Day 529 - fear is an interesting emotion
fear is an interesting emotion. It is almost a consistent feeling we anticipate/expect within our realities. For example when a snake comes along people freak out, as if the response was already there in a fear just lashing out and screaming and wanting to harm and kill in Fear of what the person fear can maybe happen. I have observed fear in slow motion, specifically with a snake and me handling a wild snake. The fear isn't my own as I can see it come from a pre response that I integrated from my parents and others when I was young, yet I accepted the fear as my own. You should see how a snake respond to people who has fear. The more fear the more the snake becomes aggressive and actually only then put everyone in danger. Blaming the snake. Meantime our fear creates what we fear and it isn't even our fear. We were taught the fear. If we react about or towards something with fear then we can know that we have been living in fear the whole time. That something is just revealing what we exist as
Day 528 - We live in a system that is out of service
We live in a system that is out of service. It isn't serving us. In fact we are serving the system even when it cons us into believing it is here to serve us. For example a Bank. I work all month for the end result to receive money. My money goes into a bank where it is kept save. Yet the bank steals little by little of my money every time I want to use some, besides already paying monthly banking fees. And in the other hand even if I do not want a bank account the system is forcing me to have one. All I am saying is take a moment to consider what service means and see how the system manipulates and cons everyone to pay for something that claims to serve us. Without money you are fucked by this system. Yet we all seem.to be okay with the idea that if you have no money you are fucked. No service
Day 527 - Living inside of oneself
Living inside of oneself all the time, holding the past against self in the hope/fear that by not letting go of the past the future might look different, only to have the past with you in each moment to create the past over and over. To keep assessing and to keep fearing the past only creates a resentful mind and thus a angry way of living. This anger does not show as we expect. It rather turns into other expressions such as not caring, depression, spite, nastiness, name it. As anger is a creation of feeling powerless. In this instance keeping the past as your thoughts/feeling/emotions with you everyday only creating the past again everyday. We do become first powerless than angry and then we either change or we submit to our own creation of self defeat
Day 526 - Walk the talk.
Walk the talk. It is easy to talk and to say things and make things sound right and good and to use words on and on, but what is the meaning of the words that I speak if I am not applying and living them for real for myself first. This is the case that I found with me and my son. I must live what I speak. Not in terms of making promises and keeping them. Promises are always a lie. I am talking about what is Here in each moment and living what I stand for. Being an example. And the speaking comes later that I add to my actions. So that there is no bias. This also helps me to always check and make sure that I am living and breathing in each moment as my son takes it all in. Even if I just sit and do nothing. Its a matter of who I am within it. I realized I must be an example to myself first and not do it just for my son as that will still be a bias and not sustainable to real change
Day 525 - What I enjoy doing versus what I have to do
What I enjoy versus what I have to do. Or let me change that to taking what I have to do and taking what I enjoy doing and creating a supportive way for me to always enjoy myself in what ever I do. Thus who I am in what I do becomes the enjoyment. See we have it backwards - we do things that we enjoy because they bring joy as an experience inside ourselves which is nice and comfortable. So if it is about how we initially experience ourselves within what we do then we can realize that our experiences are our own and we can thus decide our experiences in what ever we do. If we allow ourselves to let go of the judgements and ideas/beliefs/opinions inside of our minds that we recieved and accepted and allowed from others to become our thinking about everything. But this does not mean accepting and allowing any abuse or harm for self or another. That is a physical experience that needs to be addressed with others or seeking help support. I went from doing what I enjoy most as working outside building and being in nature to doing office work and being indoors and driving all the time as I needed to. So here I decided to change who I am withon it all to make it an expression of myself instead of a limitation.
Day 524 - Solitary confinement
Solitary confinement has been seen as a method of apparently teaching someone something. May it be with prisoners or with mental institutes or children. I remember as a child being send to sit in the corner of the class room for speaking out of tern and thus missing the rest of the class room tome. Or by my parents being send to my room for being 'bad' - yet all I learned was that adults are stupid and I still do not understand their reasoning. So how was I to prevent in the future or at least understand to know my responsibility. As l only created more mental issues. And this kind of 'punishment' is actually a reflection of how we deal and live in our own prisons inside of ourselfs called the mind. And how we deal with ourselves inside of ourselves. Keeping everything in and punishing ourselves for the things inside of ourselves as thoughts feelings and emotions. Never rather pushing to expose and talk and gain perspective and understanding and supporting ourselves or others. its a matter of doing onto another as you would like to be done onto. Solitary confinement used as punishment is a reflection of how we are doing onto ourselves. We must change.
Day 523 - Thinking versus doing
It seems that most of my life has been happening in my mind. I am always thinking about my potential and living it, I can see what I must do and live to achieve this utmost potential. But the thought of I am not ready yet always seem to catch me when I am unaware so I postpone the living till tomorrow. But this just becomes habitual and always end up in thought. Which in the future leads to me creating a relationship with myself of "I am a fuck up" a loser, I cant trust myself, I am worthless and useless. These believes aren't necessarily spoken or being thought of. They are more so implied in the act of postponing and not living my utmost potential. The further consequences of these actions are now me leading into destructive behavior. The opposite. Which leads to cool realization. Which is that the initial thoughts I had/ have of living my utmost potential were based on a polarity construct of positive and negative and so ot is for me to stop ALL thoughts and to forgive myself to participate in thoughts no matter how positive or negative they are and to instead focus on what is here as my practical living in each breath which is the utmost potential of me here.
Day 522 - Sadness
Sadness -I have grown up as most of us, to always live and show happiness and never to expose the sadness. As soon as sadness is shown or expressed people try and make you happy. Because sadness has been judged as wrong as bad as negative, thus it is feared to be and show sadness, you will become a party pooper or make others feel uncomfortable. So I learned to pretend. I became an expert at pretending to be just happiness. But the truth behind the smiles is this face. Because this face expresses Life on earth currently. While we party and be happy and keep pretending for the same of others, our lives are sad. We are bound to money, to be slaves to money in a system we keep alive but we here did not create it, we suffer and all life on this planet suffers for it and everything it truly sad. Yet we do not dare live this truth. But I have realized this truth, and because of this realization I am able to live in self honesty - that for real happiness, for my face to truly change - this world must change and I m7st actively take responsibility to change it and to truly create REAL happiness. Where no smile ever hides anything as we will in this new world know for a fact that all parts of LIFE is happy equally within their part of this Life. If we all can come to terms with realty and that it is sad. Perhaps then we can come together and say This is not how we would like to live life so lets fucking change it and bring true unchangeable happiness to this WORLD and all parts in it.
Day 521 – let’s see where this goes – unexpected writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself for who I am within myself as the experience of myself consistently tip toeing through life not wanting to do something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this irritation to be expressed as anger towards the world and to blame the world for me experiencing myself as being irritated with myself as if I am tip toeing through life in fear of doing something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tip toe through life in fear of doing something wrong and that this wrong doing will define me and my self-value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards the system and the people within the system and to keep this resentfulness against the people within the system as a way to blame them for how I am experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and tired at the system and to within this just want it to fucking disappear, even if it means through chaos and destruction, as a I don’t care anymore attitude that has taken over my mind as a point of me giving up my self-responsibilities and seeking an easy way out of this fucked up world that is here as the system , that enslaves me to fucking money and a life of not doing what I enjoy or can be capable of doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in BLAME towards the system and to within this blame go and live in a state of self-victimization and self-pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in spitefulness towards the system within just giving everything my middle finger and saying go to hell and fuck yourself, you want to be blind and deaf, not hearing the screams and the cries of misery, so now you will just have to suffer the same, go ahead and suffer, at least this means the world will end and this stupid ridiculous system that is pointless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE the system for destroying me as a child and enslaving me into a fearful mind being that can only live limitations that has been forced onto me through a fucked up system, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and to define myself as, seeing and realizing that I made those decisions and that I could have instead NOT have chosen fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately live in a consistent mood towards the system as me being against it secretly and thus resisting everything within the system even while I have to participate within it to make money for survival and to become more and earn more than just survival and to use what I make to change this world, as I would like to be done onto others as I have been done onto, BUT first I must change what has been done onto me by myself and thus change the path for those that come after to not have to be done onto them as I didn’t want to be done onto, loving thy neighbor as thy self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Love and HATE money at the same time, as money is a fucked up limitation that decides everything in a very weird manner currently, yet I love it when I have it – a typical mind design of a polarity game. Never moving beyond the control of money and to be able to use money as what is best for all, but always riding a roller coaster with money and it being available or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to wish I was different and not me so that I could just be someone that is already perfect and live everything every breath that is necessary to bring change to this world instead of consistently falling into the mind and the cycles of self-harm and abuse and compromise and sabotaging every moment that might have had potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the perfect self that I see in myself that is possible as something that is out there, seeing and realizing that creating this perfect self is a process of physical application and the mind is fucking with me by wanting it NOW and thus if I am not achieving it now then I must be a failure and will never reach the goals/change that is required. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated by this energy game of polarity that goes from positive and negative in sudden moment as if I just cannot help it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not worthy of the best, and thus the best that is for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am a fucking bad person and thus I do not deserve a world that is best for all including myself and that I just deserve a world that is going into darkness and being eaten alive by the demons as man’s MIND.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired and irritated and angry at myself for giving this personality of I do not deserve anything good consistent attention and living it as a resonant seed within me even while I am doing things that is in the best interest of all , yet my mood/personality of I do not deserve it is fucking up everything resonantly, yet I keep on living it within this irritation mind pattern that just keep putting me down, even though I know its bullshit and not real. – seeing the point of why I can see it and yet do nothing about it is annoying as shit.
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “ I do not know” as an excuse for why I am not changing and thus waiting for information to change me where it must first make sense and why I must change, either through fear of consequences instead of me seeing and thus knowing the change and living it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a false Idea of caring that fucks me over as I care to much about the mind and the system and the consciousness of others and thus holding myself back in fear of not seeming like I am caring and compromising my entire process and movement believing that holding myself f back is caring for others. Meantime I am destroying myself and my potential by being so fucken self-conscious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live pretend in the name of self-preservation.
Day 520 - A state of reaction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards others and what they say or how they say it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I have a reaction towards someone that I must follow the reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take self-responsibility for my reactions within me towards others when they either say or do something that I find offensive, believing that I must defend myself and thus react from a starting point of vengeance, getting back at them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally that is being discussed or said about me and to within this “taking it personally” as me defining myself through what others say about or towards me and to within this react in fear of what is being said towards or about me being true and/or correct – as the reaction is showing me that I must breathe and be here physically as only the mind as energy wants to defend itself and its self-definition as a personality that relies on others only seeing certain parts of me and not the whole of me that I also belief as the mind that this “whole” of me is true and correct and thus if anything anyone else says about me can or may expose this “whole” of me – the mind, and thus a reaction as a defense mechanism takes place to give way for energy as the mind to take over the physical and to remove all common sense and self-honesty and only to keep the mind in place as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reactions to be normal within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reactions as something that is pointing out to me that I must act NOW because this feeling inside of me is telling me to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that the words that is within me when I am within a reaction that I see as reason and logic MUST be spoken or this reaction within me that is holding all this seemingly valid information will be lost and that I will lose if I do not let the reaction out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I am within a reaction that the words that I want to speak is what the reaction is all about, seeing and realizing that the reaction is actually something deeper, and if I give to myself a moment to breath and let go of the reaction that I can see what is beneath the surface that the reaction is actually coming from, and that if I speak the words that is within/from the reaction then I miss the opportunity to actually see what is here and for me to correct myself and take self-responsibility for my reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and to within this react – seeing and realizing that reactions is showing me where I am still existent within self-interest as a personality that can take things personally and that exist only to defend itself and its own interest at any cost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal towards a certain person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against someone when they say something that I am reacting to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about the other person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying or doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty and create gossip about/towards someone that has said or done something that I reacted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of anticipating my environment to “make me react, seeing and realizing that this is actually my living in a consistent state of reaction within and towards my environment.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me living within a consistent subtle movement of energy within me makes me by nature reactive, and thus anything and anyone can at any time activate the reaction that is already existent within me, which comes from me existing within a BUBBLE of my mind that is my space and my personal wants and needs and whenever the environment enters this bubble there is something going to pop within me.
I commit myself, to check myself, to check if I am here breathing, or if I am within a state of energy as self-interest, from the moment I wake up, and to within this align myself to open myself to LIFE and all that is here and all and any possibilities in any given moment, and to be flexible and expand myself to move myself and to give myself the ability to respond to my environment instead of reacting within my environment as a personality attempting to remain within self-interest.
I commit myself to change, change that is actual change where take the stance of BEING able to respond within my reality instead of reacting towards and within my reality to anything or anything or anyone that might just come into my bubble, and to remove my bubble by myself and to stop this forceful way of others bursting my bubble just because I am keeping it there instead of removing it, and to make life a FLOW for myself and my environment.
I commit myself to give myself to LIFE and to let go of personal, to stand as life and to respond in each moment as LIFE would do and not as how I as a mind as a sensitive bubble would do that only causes discord.
I commit myself to burst my own bubble of “personal and to open myself up to life and to receive LIFE in each moment as what is here as life and to respond within my ability accordingly within self-honesty and common sense.
I commit myself to let go of all my own rules and laws and logic within my mind that keeps up my bubble as my personal mind personality and to fucking really be free, to give this freedom to myself where I am able to response within my reality as ME as me being the director and not to be directed by all these mind logic/reasons and thinking of why I must be so limited and protecting myself and preserving myself for something else and to what others are allowed to ask of me or not or say about me or towards me or not, all these petty things that I place onto myself to limit myself and create this secret internal reality that inflates this bubble that surrounds me that keeps LIFE out and the mind in.
Day 519 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 9
Every time I open my wallet, I would look through my notes (money) just to generate this feeling of freedom and security within me, it made me feel like I have power, I have free will and choice.
After the first two weeks on the farm, all my money was gone, it was finished – I smoked back then, so smokes and essentials took my money quickly.
So, suddenly I had NO money, I had this consistent fear/anxiety within me regarding my stance within this world and who I am. I felt powerless and bound, basically the opposite to how I felt when I had money.
So I learned a lot of lessons quickly – first of all I realized I have NO idea what money is and how it works, I do not even know the value of money, I mean, I saw R700 as a lot, what does that reveal about my training from home and school regarding money, once I hit the real world by myself – POOF my money is gone, see my parents used to buy almost everything for me, and I used to only use my money for partying and my own entertainment. This quickly changed.
So in my crisis of having no money, I had a discussion with Bernard – Bernard said that I can stay and live on the farm if I work on the farm, do labor and maintenance as a start, and for this a room is provided, food is provided and reasonable comfortable life, plus pocket money, all basics will be met and a little bit more. I agreed to this with a massive smile – Because I LOVE physical work, I enjoy it, I live for it, so here I was able to do what I enjoy and have no worry about my basics being met – But Bernard added in, everything you see here and what we are building, comes from money that I made, I worked my ass off to start this and so that we can fucking change this world (with my dad present still at this time)
So here I was, with nothing, no money, and there is Bernard the complete opposite – my mind was blown once again, as my idea about money got changed very quickly.
One man worked his ass off, for many years in a business that he started, then stopped it, changed his course in life 180 degrees and have enough money to start a movement that will change the world forever. Even allow others from all over the world to come and visit and stay here for months and even years, being supported by the farm, by money Bernard made in the past – but every person that came/comes here, came/comes with a purpose, as the purpose of the farm was/is to support and assist as many as possible and to create a centered point for this movement that IS global, as a foundation and stability point.
But Bernard said, the only way to test if the people that start walking their process and that commit to changing this world to a place that is best for all life is and will be REAL in fact, is if the money I have created to start all of this runs out, and that this (Desteni) and all its branches continues by each and every individuals self-honest participation and understanding of how money works. If not then at least we know we have removed those that pretend and didn’t mean to change anything.
Back then it was kind of confusing what Bernard said, but after his money ran out and after his death – Desteni is still here, alive and moving forward by the will and participation of dozens/hundreds of individuals around the world. Now that’s what you can call real growth. I mean it must be proven in the physical.
It’s like removing the training wheels from a child’s bike and the child just continues driving – the development from there on is limitless.
I learned that Money is required to do anything and to bring change to this world, without it I will only be begging for change on the corner of a street – I also learned that R700 is NOTHING, I require at least 700 Billion to really impact this world.
I also learned that it is about HOW I use money, is it for what is best for all life in support of all life, or just for my entertainment, that’s the value I give the money, I can spend R20 here on smokes and R50 on sweets and R70 on a pizza, Or I can spend that money on supporting life and I will see the Value of the money suddenly meaning something more than my entertainment – because as long as money remains a point of entertainment within my mind, for my own self-interest, the value of money will always seem like nothing, but the moment I am seeing the value of money as the key to changing this world, Money suddenly has a value far beyond my own self-interest. And thus I will stop aiming for just the next pay check to buy smokes or candy or a drink, but to push myself to make millions/billions as it will contribute to changing this world. My aim naturally goes to LIFE.
As long as I do not understand money and how to deal/work with it and the effects ever cent has, I will always be a slave to money and my self-interest points towards it, looking at money as only a source for consumption for self-interest.
I also learned that as long as I live in scarcity towards money as my relationship towards money I will hold on to money and start having less and less – as I become self-preservative instead of expanding and promoting abundance within myself and not fear/stress – as who I am within/towards money starts reflecting in my reality. Because when we live in fear of not having money we start to spend our money stupid and can’t seem to see where it goes.
NO matter what, I must have NO feelings or emotions towards money – I must always stand in self-honesty and common sense within and towards money within myself and see it for what it actually is and to make decision with money that is always best for all life, promoting growth and expansion that is best for all life.
Day 518 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 8
In the beginning of my process I had many struggles, but like all guys in the system, our minds are wired and intertwined with and for sex, so this was an obvious point I was facing in my reality.
So me going into an agreement back then, my first Agreement and still my one and only agreement (smiles) – I had to face many points within my agreement with my partner, especially sex.
So the point I faced within sex was the “image” point – as my partner didn’t meet the Image of my MIND and what my mind wanted and find stimulating.
So sex within my agreement wasn’t nessasarely flowing, as the image I needed to stimulate me for sex wasn’t met.
So this became a depressing point within me, and within my agreement, and it was quit noticeable.
So one day, Bernard walked into my room while I was sitting by my computer – and he just asked as usual, what’s up, and I as usual said, oh nothing much (me assuming Bernard is asking me what I am physically doing) and thus giving a response to what I assume. Then Bernard out of the blue started talking to me about what is attraction, what is an Image – my mind was blown, WOW, how did Bernard know to talk about this point, like I haven’t mentioned anything, in fact I made it a point within myself to hide it and make sure Bernard does not see it lol.
But he did, and in a quick few moment Bernard asked me straight forward, IS that which you are attracted to within women truly your Decision? I paused for a moment and I said, NO within self-honesty, Because I looked at the question of is it truly my decision, and all I could see within my mind was Media/porn/TV/magazines and influences from men/males that has gone before me.
And then Bernard asked me straight forward again – so where does your LIKES and DISLIKES come form towards women then? And I said well, magazines/TV/porn/media etc
Then Bernard said to me – so it is clearly not YOU that made the decision of what you like, NOW realize that if you see this, you still have that decision to make – just look at when you were a child, even a baby – there was NO judgment and enjoyment in playfulness was possible with anyone, no matter their size or shape.
So within sex, you can really decide in every moment what you like, you can as a suggestion decide to LIKE all shapes and sizes, NO limitation, NO judgments – then you can truly enjoy yourself – isn’t that actually the only decision you can make.
After Bernard said all that, my mind was still blown, so simple YET so fucking true, the common sense is staggering, the self-honesty is so simple and direct – how could I not have seen this before.
Then Bernard said, to support yourself to walk through the point of falling for the attractions of the mind, imagine everyone as skeletons, realize that if the flesh is removed what remains is skeleton, and if everyone is a skeleton, how would you make a decision on what you like or dislike, you can’t, you simple walk what is best for all and enjoy yourself.
This moment took like 5min, and it changed my life forever – I realized I can decide, and I said fuck media and all the past influences, I want to enjoy myself, I got angry for a moment at the system for all the bullshit influences that has limited and screwed with all my relationships for such a long time, but I realized soon enough I was just angry at myself, took a breath and moved on, I was now in the authority point of just enjoying myself in sex as a physical expression, it took practice and time, but it was fun and I got over any and all other attraction that would usually have distracted me or that was needed to stimulate me, now what was my stimulation was ME – physical touch and breathing, not the form of a body size or image.
Day 517 – more on the point of expectation/expectations
after the basics of showing how expectations are in literally everything and behind our every belief/Idea/opinion and that it isn’t good or bad, remove that motion, this is about understanding the point, and then I will get to the creational point where expectations INSIDE ourselves in our immediate reality/moment create the moment realities without us even knowing it or being fully aware of the secret shit.
Every belief is an expectation
Every opinion is an expectation
Every Idea is an expectation
Isn’t it?
It cannot be that way, it is impossible – a belief is a belief, an opinion is an opinion, an Idea is an Idea – really?
Quickly belief something or in something - Obviously the reason behind the belief is to expect something?
Quickly have an opinion for me - Obviously the reason for an opinion is the expect something; why else do you have the opinion? Don’t tell me just to have an opinion, you are expectation to win or to gain or to feel or something.
Quickly have an Idea for me (about ANYTHING) – now obviously you are having an Idea with an expectation behind it, why else do you have the idea, just to have an idea?
Let’s go a bit deeper – I have an opinion about smoking is bad – first of all is it an opinion or a fact? – if you claim it is a fact then you are also expecting something from that fact, if it is an opinion then obviously you are expecting something from that opinion – either way you are expecting something for why you say for example smoking is bad or not bad – you are expecting something, either it means you can smoke and it reliefs you from dreadful thoughts on what the smoke might do to your lungs – well there is your expectation for having for example an opinion on why smoking isn’t bad – if you go with that it is a fact that smoking is bad, well you are expecting for example for others to now stop smoking and look to you for example as being an example of the one knowing better and their “facts” so to say.
Let’s look at belief – I belief that there is a god – this should be quite obvious what the expectations are, either go to heaven or go to hell, those are the two expectations – or another belief rather – I belief that this person in front of me is short, the expectation obviously is that you now expect others to see you are tall or taller, why else would you have a random belief of someone being short, or it the person in fact short? I mean fact or belief, there is an expectation, if the person is in fact short, then you must as yourself in comparison to what? 7 billion other people all being different in size? So what’s the expectation from such a fact, well I expect myself to be considered tall then and not as short, therefore I am better – the expectation being “I am better” or perhaps I am more lucky.
Now lets look at Ideas – I have an Idea, lets change the world – well that expectation is pretty obvious, the expectation it a better world – I have an idea about how to build a car port better, with the expectation obviously being that the car port will be better – Ideas is quit an easy one, every single Idea leads to an expectation.
SO the major question then remains, what is behind the expectation, why do we have beliefs or Ideas or opinions about or over any and everything – but more importantly – how does expectations for example determine how you pick up a spoon to eat your cereal, how your expectations literally can influence and create physical vents and manifestation in your immediate reality, ones that you aren’t even aware of.
Stay tuned for the next Blog going in deeper.
Day 516 – One word changed my life
Before I give you the word, I need to first say the following: ALL my life I have lived in fear, I have blamed fear and I have believed fear to be the one thing that keeps me back that is creating my world and thus not creating what I actually want to create, because fear is just there around every corner – so it seems that fear is the culprit.
BUT – never have I really looked at what is behind fear, what is there behind fear pushing fear in front of my eyes and inside of me, I mean fear doesn’t just happen, it is something that is created.
So one day I was just looking at this point in a moment with my son, it really took me a moment to breath and to really see inside of myself, my son was about to do something that was deemed wrong or not good from inside my mind as what I was programmed with – so I was preparing myself to stop my son, to say NO – and what happened? Exactly what I EXPECTED from my son.
There is the word – EXPECTATIONS/expect
SO I noticed this moment in slow motion, I truly lived it and I was present in the participation of it, But I did not say stop or no, I instead talked to my son about what is happening. But this story isnt the point, it is the realization the moment of clarity that I had and opened up my reality to a whole new level of interaction.
EXPECTATIONS
Before you have any reaction or any fear you first have an expectation within yourself, a thought, a memory – then the fear backs it up, making it so real, fear is like the reinforcement of the expectation. It will happen, most expectations do not happen that you are having consciously, but it is the unconscious one, these are the ones I am looking at, breathing slowly and catching them, taking a moment to see what’s really underneath, and they are all about YOU and what you can practically live and do, not about what the next lotto ticket is or who will win a soccer game.
Expectation is simply the word that describe this, it is the word that you can hold inside of yourself throughout your day and see how you are creating your day EXACTLY as you are expecting it to be, no more and no less – then you have two polarities that back the expectation up, reinforce it, either a positive or a negative, the fear or the love, without the expectation there is nothing the fear or love can latch onto, so then it is just simply you have breathing and dealing with HERE.
I have now taken the word expectation and I have applied it within every moment of my day as a cross reference – when I wake up, what is my first expectation of the morning/day – when I start moving and doing things, it is literally everywhere and I have now seen for myself, what I expect is what I get/create – unfortunately I am like everyone else programmed mostly in the negative and polarized by a positive, so it usually jumps between the two, I simply have to see my creation process in between and I am using the word expectation to highlight each and every moment to show my.
What is expectation, it is the past reoccurring literally, you expect it you create it, and it’s always the past, so it is always reinforced by fear.
So let me make it more clear, why use the word expectation/expectations to reflect and see the point, take a look, whatever you do or before you do it, there is behind the fear an expectation/expectations, and if you take each expectation it is as if you are opening up a story book, you can see what is going to happen and when and where and what characters must be involved and how the interactions must take place and then what the outcome will be as expected. Basically you can already SEE within your expectation the LINE of creation that you are about to live and this gives you the insight to change, stop and realize your expectation is literally creating what is happening or what is going to happen you have already written the story within the expectation.
So just for one day, wake up and hold the word expectation within you, and see what it reveals in each moment and see how you can decide from there on NOT to live that expectation and change. Using breathing common sense and self-honesty always within what is best for all life.
This is why the world isn’t changing, because we all have secretly already created the expectation that the world is going to end, and just look at it, we are literally living that expectation, I mean how can you live anything else than what you are expecting. So do not focus too much on fear, it is what is behind the fear as the expectation that needs addressing.
Day 515 - I am tired of YOU
so having this experience within myself towards another person clealry shows that it is a point that I am tired of within myself or within my reality that I am not direction = communicating.
usually this is a cause of back chat that occurs in my secret mind towards a particular person within the same situations, this back chat is literally just my perception of or towards the other, I just keep it to myself and as the same situation comes up over and over the back chat is the same, till one day - this grows into a tiredness.
this tiredness that I have experienced towards another comes out in different expressions towards the other person, such as anger, or frustration, or irritation, or spitefullness - there are many ways that I can attempt to make the other person see that what they are doing is happening over and over and nothing is changing, and this then happens to create a certain experience within me as I am actually not the one changing, well I create the experience and I accept and allow it, because I try all those methods of emotional manipulation to try and make the person see, except direct communication to clarify what I see and what is really happening so that I can stop my bullshit back chat and rather support myself and the other person if needed.
the end result is never pretty, it is unnecessary conflict that becomes harmful, it inst constructive conflict or communication - as both parties will come from a blind side within communication, as each one has been participating within secret thoughts/backchat that has accumulated over a long period of time, and then if such patterns keep on occurring one or both will snap, and there is no time to suddenly justify or explain ALL the accumulated back chat, or there is simply no way one can, because in the end it is now only revealing itself as a feeling/emotion/possession.
So this is a point that I am dealing with in my reality of my relationships towards people that I have know for a long time, may it be friends/family/co-workers, I understand the cause of my experience and that I must take self responsibility and that NO one else is to blame for how I experience myself in any given moment - yet If I do not change my course of action and develop my communication skills with those around me - I will end up possessing myself.
communication isn't enough, clear and effective communication is whats needed, even if you do not have the vocabulary or skills, take the time to sit and develop them, with a friend, with a family member, but make sure all communication starts with the starting point of what is best for all - and that you are taking self responsibility, if those points aren't coming through then you will feel the manipulation or games that is being played as there will be this dishonest secret self feeling like self interest is met and everything is back in its comfort zone.
Day 514 – SLEEEEEEEP
Maybe if I sleep a little bit I will feel better.
After a good nap I will feel alive and good to do things again.
If I can just get some DEEP sleep I will reboot and feel fresh.
Tonight I must go to bed early to start the day fresh and alive tomorrow.
I must catch up with sleep to not be in this mood.
I will be more effective if ONLY I had a good sleep last night, but I didn’t.
Today is going to suck, I barely slept last night.
I went to bed SOO late last night, that’s why today is going to be though.
WOW the nap I had really helped, but why am I so tired again, I probably need more sleep.
Those are but some thoughts that I have had regarding sleep and what revolves around sleep, I have noticed how sleep can take over my day to day life, to be more precise, the belief I have around sleep and how I have given away my self-responsibility to WHY I am experiencing myself as tired as what is happening within me, through making sleep the excuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough or a certain type of sleep for why I experience myself as tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame how little I have slept for why I am experiencing myself within my mind set as being tired/exhausted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having enough sleep as a justification for how I experience myself as not mobile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having enough sleep as a justification/excuse to why I am not HERE present breathing but rather in certain moods.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use not having enough sleep as a justification for why I am the way I am as being gloomy, tired looking, not alive, not moving myself effectively, why I am sitting around, why I am always chilling instead of breathing and being here directing each moment within practicality and clarity.
So the questioning must once again go deeper, why even if I got sleep, or a nap – does tiredness sink in at some point that is ONLY felt in the eyes, the head section. This leads down an interesting path, as tiredness isn’t a mental point, it is a physical point that we reference to as being tired – as the body is the vessel that does literally everything, the mind as a tool is supposed to just give like GPS direction.
So firt, understanding the mind as a tool and not who you are and how this tool works, as a GPS, how can one get tired from using the tool as the mind? Well over use, using the GPS to not just direct but to actually get lost and to then having to get new input the whole time or old input and scrambling the direction and getting lost within the mess within the GPS system as the mind, in fact we get so lost within it finding direction that we are now even thinking we are this mess, we are this GPS system, forgetting that someone else placed the info into the GPS before it even started getting active – and this input wasn’t even from who I am, it was from my parents, as they already claimed to know this world and thus what direction I must take to secure survival, and Hench why we get lost using this GPS system, because we never placed the info/directions within it, someone else did and we are just trying to make sense of it all and get lost in it.
So the tiredness comes from a simple explanation – direction, setting a direction and living it, using the GPS once and then moving to the locations/taking the direction, but as long as I am all up in my GPS/mind I will be tired, I will feel tired and moody, I will not be able to move and be effective. I am jumping from one place to another – I am attempting to follow all the paths that has been programmed into my GPS – and not finding my own path/direction and living that.
To be continued.
Day 513 – Fear of leaving my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that I fear death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that ALL the fears that I have comes from the one fear, the fear of death, as all fears is based on the end result of my end/death as a personality to be more specific.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR death as the end of ME, which shows quite a point to look at, who is this ME?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I know that I am not real and that at death the truth will be revealed and that I will have to face myself as my own self dishonesty as I never pushed myself to my limits, to birth myself as life and to stand up for and as life a myself for all that is here one and equal as I was busy protecting a personality design that is living within self-interest and only looking after my own ass as the MIND/energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death as the SHAME that I will face for all the excuses and reasons and all the things that I deliberately placed in front of myself to NOT stand up to not stand up for myself as LIFE and to accept and allow myself to be suppressed through the mind as energy and to have deliberately given into it as a way of excusing myself from taking a real stand within myself where I do it for myself as myself as LIFE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and facing what is real as the PHYSICAL as that which is real and to stand in the face of what is here and what is real and to not be seen as worthy of life as I will find myself unable to communicate and to stand one and equal as the physical as LIFE.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question why I actually within self-honesty FEAR death and what death will expose to ME.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Death stares me in the eyes every day at any moment and I do not decide that moment of death and I know that when death comes from me – I will not stand as LIFE yet and thus I cannot stand death, thus showing me true fear of death as that of knowing that I am not standing one and equal as LIFE YET as death is still a fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR death as I fear the regret that I will face of myself, as to why I did nothing despite ALL the evidence that I should act and stand yet did nothing but crawl up inside myself into a bundle of excuses and reasons that seem so right and justifiable., which I know death will proof my mind wrong in all possible ways and I will face the truth of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the illusion that I can excuse myself from death and what comes after death.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live in a way where I know that I am standing and that even death is welcomed as I know who I am and that it is nothing more or less one and equal as LIFE.
Death reveals a lot, it exposes what is HERE – most people have pity things that they fear they will meet at their death bed, I also had these pity things, like not having sex with as many women as I would have wanted to, not traveling the world, not partying as hard as I can, never taking chances, never doing certain drugs, never choosing a correct career path, for not loving my family more, for not caring more for my parents etc tec. There are so many – but while those are our distracting thoughts at our death bed there is something completely missed – there is NO heaven or HELL after death, there is only one thing awaiting – dust to dust, not from dust to heaven or to hell.
And the problem is – from dust to dust means after death we remain RIGHT HERE, simply in another form – this form is the physical, and we as humans are currently living as the mind as energy, as illusions of what is here – now illusions aren’t real, and if we exist as the mind and we die, the mind dies – the illusion stops existing, yet you will be here – now if you created and lived your entire life as the mind which ends at death, you have NO possible way of living after death, of directing yourself as the physical, because we never even learned how to communicate with what is real (the physical) we have only always communicated as the mind, so NO thoughts will be there after death to guide you, NO thinking, no memories – so who the fuck am I then? Well I simply do not exist then after death, and that’s it, it isn’t a matter of fear now – now it is a matter of making a decision, do I stand as LIFE do I rebirth myself as the physical as LIFE and amalgamate myself with LIFE and stand one and equal as life, already now this life before death live without the thoughts/thinking/memories and live as LIFE/physical so that at death I know who the fuck I am and nothing changes.
This is also not a matter of separating myself from the mind, the mind is HERE I have to stand one and equal as the mind, as the tool the mind is – which is in reverse of what we have done, we made the tool who we are, see the shit storm we are in – how did we end up making a tool called the mind WHO we are, who I am, it is the same as me deciding to make one of my fingers who I am, imagine how that would have looked like or worked out, pretty fucked up I would say, now that should answer your question to why the world is fucked up if you take a moment to look at the whole of EVERYTHING that is here.
To be continued – death
Day 512 – Helping others but not myself Part 2
So the word FAIL – has come up as the opposite within me regarding this point of wanting to please everyone, it is a mind consciousness design so it works in polarities, to simply keep the mind consciousness alive.
Success and failure are the two opposites, I have taken success and replaces that with “pleasing everyone/being a good person” and then the failure polarity is that of “upsetting everyone/not being a good person.
Here I have to go back to my early childhood memories where I was being programmed through my environment and how I interpreted the moments/experiences – as a child born into this world already as a being, as someone – this being/Someone as me starts to now living in this world where there are already BILLIONS of conditions set/in place, and as I as the being starts moving myself through this reality I encounter countless moments/experiences – with me not being born with any information about this reality I am now interpreting these moments by following those who has been here before me, unconditionally and how they respond to the moments.
This is happening from the moment of birth, and as I can say I do not remember anything from my birth till about the age of three – YET this is the time in which I learned almost everything I know today, my mobility as my body and all the parts of it, my language and speaking/speech and how I now look at the world through the formal education I have received from my parents/people in the environment(s) – then as I have now developed a language and a general level or vocabulary to communicate and interact with my reality and those within it, I can now start living by myself, but only according to what I have already now acquired as my education/words/vocabulary – which can be very limited and with all the wrong meanings or with emotional conditions to words and what they mean, and then also the amount of environments I am exposed to learn new things outside of the normal setup where I was born and raised in within the first three years – or it can be the opposite where I was enriched with a wide vocabulary to make sense of my reality more and to be able to communicate and talk more and to interact more with the right meanings of words/understanding of them and no emotional connections which decided how I interpret new information within my mind and thus how I in tern respond.
Now – it is obvious through me not remembering any of my first three years of life on earth, I cannot YET go back and find the main programming right now, but as I can see, everything that exist as me here in each moment stems from that, it is an outflow and thus actually still the same, it just looks different and I have over time made it my own as if it all is ME in fact, when in fact I was taught everything from someone else – not who I am.
So understanding this is easy, seeing this point is easy, and coming to terms with even if I know it isn’t me and that I was taught everything I belief myself to be and living it right now as if it is me, I have accepted and allowed it and thus I am it right now but It does not mean it is real and actually who I must be.
Yet back to the point, I learned morality from those that has gone before me, I learned what is good and what is bad through peoples actions and words and how they used those words and actions, and I took it on as the right way, and even if it was towards me, I would unconditionally take it on and become the moralities, the good and the bad, even if only the good was enforced within me by those that raised me, the good always implied the bad, the opposite, and thus if only the good was enforced within me then I made the obvious now conclusion, what is so bad about me that everyone only enforces the good in me, what is it that people think of me that I need to only hear the good, is there something that is bad about me that is being covered by all the good praise.
So as I can see ZI created the polarity point within myself within understanding the construct of good and bad from the system design as the mind consciousness, that if I am good then there must be dad, and I interpret the bad with my limited vocabulary by myself – and so the bad would become to BIG in my mind because the good has been praised to BIG/much from others, that I later on feared keeping up with all the good and always living the good and always keeping up to everyone’s standard of me being good in their eyes, this fear of now being bad became my internal reality, it became my fear – and as curiosity works, I had to every now and then push the point of testing out the bad, the opposite of my goodness, just to see if it is real, it others will notice it, and if it will bring different reaction, and so it did, I brought out reactions/actions that I did not enjoy, I did not want to be seen as bad because what comes from that is bad lol.
BUT – how did I interpret the reactions/actions of others when I did something “bad” in the eyes of other mind consciousness systems? The action has always been in the nature of suppression, suppress what the child is doing, hide it, in fear of the child becoming evil or being a bad person and only keep/reveal the good, which now became a belief inside of me as the child that there is something terrible inside of me, something great and evil that others fear seeing and so I must fear seeing it as well, I must be every afraid, I must never show it – because society will react in a way to suppress and kill this evil, this evil has NO place in society and I am this evil, it was confirmed by the actions/reaction of others towards me when I exposed/tested out the point.
So now in time, I have lived as a very good person, I have proven to be the opposite of this evil/bad that I belief lives inside of me, I have gone the extra mile to always help people and to always PROOF my goodness, while suppressing the real issues that I have developed through my limited mind interpretation of events back then and how other responded in ignorance and fear. BUT what do I know, with this belief that I am evil/bad growing and growing within me year after year, I started playing things out in my life that I deliberately did within this BELIEF (not real) that I now started using as my own evidence to proof that I am evil, and to proof my parents right that there was a great evil that they SAW in me as a child based on how they responded to me as a child acting in curiosity – and to have this last point of failing and being bad and to just proof that my parents was right, they had to enforce all the good in me all those years, they had to only motivate me positively, they had to only always come forth as happy around me, because if they didn’t, I would have ended up as a evil mother fucker, so the consequences isn’t nessasarely me going out and being evil – as it is all internalized.
It starts out with thoughts of failure, thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of me not being what everyone expected of me, as the physical reality exposes polarities with consequences that reveals us to ourselves and the polarities that has been created and lived so that we can have a moment to SEE and to change, to move out of the polarity constructs that enslave us the mind consciousness systems of energy with the purpose of one thing, to generate energy and to let self-interest prevail as a personality that wanted to be right/win, even if it means self-proofing and winning in being evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is an evil within me that I do not understand, because as a child no one else was able to explain to me what it was that I saw or acted out, but instead reacted and taught me to rather suppress and hide what is going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the belief and Ideas and opinions of others of what is good and what is bad and to within this classify myself as BOTH and to live out both, where I chose according to my environment and circumstances to live out the good and to hide the evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the evil MORE than what it is within me due to a lack of vocabulary to place it in common sense and assessing it and to rather go into irrational thinking that is based on emotions/feelings that then become actions that I myself to not understand yet justify as being ME.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a polarity of good and bad within myself and within this world, where I ONLY do good in front of others and do evil in secret as I have judged myself as evil and as good and that only the good can be exposed and the evil must remain hidden, yet the evil ALWAYS exposes itself at some point – which then can enforce the belief of oneself of being evil/bad and this personality comes out more where one starts participating within destructive behavior/patterns just to proof self and others right that self was evil all this time, as the good part of self later on do not get recognition anymore and it starts to just become normal and thus no more energy is being received from being good, so a polarity shift is required to generate energy again for the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this Good and Evil construct isn’t me, it is something that I was shown and taught.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this polarity of good and evil within myself as two extreme part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to belief myself to be.
To be continued
Day 511 - helping others but not myself
I have been dealing with quit a big part of myself as who I have defined myself as, and this part has got to do with me seeing and helping other people with their potential, helping others through self destructive patterns and seeing the better, becoming the better part of self.str
Yet, I have never done this for myself, in fact I have a shit load of problems that I need to deal with, but I occupy myself and my time with always helping others and forgetting myself so to say.
I have been doing so for a while now, and this is coming back to bite me in my ass, in the past few weeks I have been dealing with some mayor internal conflicts (the mind) in other words, where these points do as always effect the physical reality.
I see within myself that I can help others, YET they always in the end have to help themselves, I can not always just be on stand by waiting, this is simply me distracting myself from really facing my myself and my internal points and thus my reality.
so as a base design of my personality as what I have always done is the savior construct, only in this story there is now happy ending, because while I am out saving I am doing this from a starting point of self-sacrifice, which will lead slowly but surely to a sacrifice, where all my suppression, all my problems just accumulate and accumulate till they have no where else to go but OUT.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care about myself and to give focus and attention to "saving others" and forgetting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important and that I do not matter and do not need saving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a good life in comparison to others and thus I do not deserve to push myself to reach and be my utmost potential as it isn't fair towards those that isn't in the same situation as me with the same opportunity and thus I must sacrifice myself to rather help others, while I sink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I do not deserve any help or that I am not worthy being helped as I will just waste other peoples time, and thus I might as well waste my own time by forgetting about myself and focusing on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and to within this neglecting my life and effecting everyone in my life/reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ABUSE myself though the believes that I have about myself and to within this secretly abuse others that isnt "intentionally" yet it happens through my actions/beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I focus on myself and bettering myself as what is best for all LIFE and to reach my utmost potential that I will come forth as selfish and as a bad person, because I am now not focusing on pleasing others and caring for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sour and angry and resentful towards the world and the people within this world due to my belief that everyone is keeping me hostage within their perception of me as being a good person and because of ME living within the expectation of others perception of me as MUST be good, I always believe that I must do everything good as much as possible and never care for myself, and thus create a blame game that shifts my responsibility towards the world and thus the world now becomes the problem instead of seeing and realize that this perception, this belief, Idea is all but in my head and I am living it as if it is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being seen as a bad guy, a person that isn't doing good and the best he can to help others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others having a bad perception of me and how that will influence my world and who I am within this reality that I share with billions of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an irrational IDEA/belief/opinion within my mind of what a good person is, where this irrational idea/belief/opinion of being a good person is me pleasing EVERY single person, which by a mathematical equation is literally impossible, yet I try everyday and thus fail every day and thus the end result of every day is me being a failure, but I keep trying hoping that I can master/learn each and every persons idea/belief/opinion of what a good person is and to when I am in their presence I can live that IDEA/belief/opinion - and fail.
to be continued
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