The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

Day 534 - Saving for the future when there is no future to save for, unless we save the future

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that money is currently the life force within this world that provides people with the necessary resource to buy and or move other resources to gain a portion of life to sustain themselves as a life force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more than money in the sense that I am better than the money system that exist here and now and to within this disregard the power money currently have within and on this reality as I am placing myself “above” money and that I am morally better than money, yet when I am hungry I require money to buy food to sustain me, the same as everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the design of money and what money currently “means” according to the believe in money that we have given it power with, within this world, where money literally decides everything as it exist now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the “power of believe” we have given money within this world, within me and to within this blind myself from seeing and realizing that money has the value according to the believe we as humans have given it, and when I look around me I can see that the believe invested within me in relation to money is literally Between LIFE and Death, as I know money currently gives me the “right” to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can have a love hate relationship towards money as my free will/choice, yet money does not care if I love it or hate it, it is currently required to do anything in this reality, including using money to change this system/world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist embracing money and accepting the current believed “fact” that money has the value of life, and to within this create a struggle within me and within m life working/dealing with money as believe it is evil and that I must not have lots of it, thus compromising myself from actually doing something practical with money to bring world change through the use of money within what its current power is within this world according to the humans believe given to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the money I have is MY money and to within this believe hold onto money as if it is MINE and to not share the money (life substance) with all equally – seeing and realizing that it is because I haven’t embraced the current believed fact that humans have created and connected to money as the substance of LIFE, that if we start seeing money as the manifestation of life force within this world we can look at money differently where LIFE force is the right to all life equally, and thus we must take money as the current life force and give to all freely to also have their life force to live within this world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I hold on to money in fear and paranoia of the future as MY money, that I am actually holding onto life force that should be moving towards and back into life to support and assist all life, and that in my actions of holding onto “life force” as money in fear of not having it, I am manifesting that exact fear for others to life and experience, thus doing exactly onto others as I would not like to be done onto me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with and towards money of fear, instead of movement and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with money of MY money instead of creating a relationship towards money as in LIFE force and that where I place/put my money as life force, that is what I am supporting as LIFE and for life to grow and to expand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by saving and keeping money to myself as MY money for a future that isn’t here yet, that I will be save, even when considering the state of the world and where we are heading, that there is no future for anyone, unless all the people in the world put their life force together and to push this life force in the same direction to change this world, then, that can really be the only way we must spend the money/life force we have to secure an actual future.

Day 527 - Living inside of oneself

 

 Living inside of oneself all the time, holding the past against self in the hope/fear that by not letting go of the past the future might look different, only to have the past with you in each moment to create the past over and over. To keep assessing and to keep fearing the past only creates a resentful mind and thus a angry way of living. This anger does not show as we expect. It rather turns into other expressions such as not caring, depression, spite, nastiness, name it. As anger is a creation of feeling powerless. In this instance keeping the past as your thoughts/feeling/emotions with you everyday only creating the past again everyday. We do become first powerless than angry and then we either change or we submit to our own creation of self defeat

Day 510 - Regret, Regret, Regret...

Making Decisions in regret creates more regret, how come living and seeking redemption from regret be self-destructive 

 

Day 89 – Anger and Me – Fairness Game part 2.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek fairness within what I do and what is done towards me, instead of realizing that Who I am determines what I do, thus seeking fairness is showing me that I am an unfair person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I seek fairness within what I do or what is done towards me I will always end up angry at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a scenario within my day/life through always seeking fairness, that it is set up in such a way that there will always be unfairness and thus me being angry.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the fairness I seek and judge within my life is only based on MY Idea of fairness and not actual fairness in fact, as fairness can only exist once all has it equally on earth, until then fairness is to take self responsibility for those that can not because I have the opportunity and the ability, and thus it is only fair that I do what can be done till equality for all life exist in all ways, it simply is fair.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I see something as unfair and react and have a energy movement within me towards the “unfairness” based on my idea of fairness, that it will only be fair that I face the point of unfairness till I can stand in and as the physical one and equal as the creator with no limitation and enslavement of any energy/mind possession such as fairness and to simple be a living being as who I am as life one and equal as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that fairness is what I create within my mind as Ideas/beliefs/opinions towards things in my life, and that this is not based on the actual physical reality of how things work, and so I react and get angry when I feel reality isnt matching up with my mind as a alternate reality not one and equal as the physical. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I experience something not being fair and getting angry, that I am actually only reacting toward my own mind as I have already planned my future in my mind according to my “like” and “dislikes” and when the physical reality isnt moving according to my mind I experience unfairness – which isnt real but only me experiencing my own fuck up of participating in the mind instead of the actual world as the physical one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a “save” folder within my mind of all the things I have done during my day and to store all the things I have done during the day within this folder, and so when I see my folder looks full I cna say I did a lot, and as soon as I judge I already did a lot according to my save folder anything else that is asked of me seems unfair toward me, realizing that only I am aware of this unfairness as only I created it within my mind – thus it is proof that it isnt real, if the unfairness was real then everyone would have known it to be so without me having to convince anyone, as we all can see – what starving children is going through and people in poverty and all of NATURE – that is fucking unfair and they do not have to convince anyone, it is in our faces.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a folder within my mind of the future – where I look at what I have to do in the future such as in an hour, in a day or a week, and to then save and store all I still have to do within this folder and then judge it as being full, and that what I still have to do seems so unfair that I have to do all these things, and so when someone asks me something more to do, I react, I get angry, because I have already in my mind (not real) filled myself up with stuff to do making it seem a lot, not living in each breathe!! And to overwhelm myself with things that isnt here yet and then blame and feel like everything is unfair as soon as I am asked to do more. Realizing it isnt real, it is all compounded in my mind into one folder, yet when the time comes I will see I have more than enough time as in the physical things move a lot slower than in the mind and thus more time, yet it is to move as breathe and not time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past and the future in a constant comparison of each other to see when things isnt fair, realizing that within this I am constantly making thing unfair for myself as I place the past and the future in the present and giving it power over what is here and actually possible for me to do and how to apply myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep and eye on people in my environment, to see what they are doing... and through this compare what they are doing with what I am doing, and within this I will deliberately make myself try and look better just not to be the unfair point, thus obviously making them the unfair point, and so live in a constant reaction towards all the people in my environment as a judgement of unfairness – not realizing that I made it all unfair though my deliberate actions to just not be the unfair point but not reacting towards everyone else as being the unfair point. 

To be continued.

Day 7 - Using memories to remind me as untrustworthy.

Many time I have a very busy schedule in relation to thing happening during the day, I would in the morning tell myself OK I have to do this, then that, then that, then that and then I also have to remember to switch the pumps at that time, and switching the pumps includes flicking two switches, then pouring bleach in the water tanks then making sure the water ball it down so it can start pumping again. I use memories to remind me to do it, instead of simply seeing I have to do it. (much simpler)

Now I have to use my memory to remember all of those things, and I actually trust myself to remember it all the time, yet I still forget stuff. So this is showing me I am not breathing effectively and being here in consideration of my environment as the physical, moving as the physical with in full common sense and understanding, but moving as memory instead, which proved to me again and again that it does not work and can not be reliable.

Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on memory to do things, to remember things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memory as if I can trust it to remind me of the duties that I have to attend, or tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my mind as memories, when I am aware that with in the mind memories get lost, switched, changed and that they never stay the same as the mind interprets and add or take out parts, and that this is not reliable at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on memories instead of trusting myself in each breathe with in awareness of my surroundings in consideration of all that is here as me in my current environment and the world, and to with in that in each breathe move myself in the physical with in understanding that if I participate in the mind at looking at memories to remember what I have to do that I will confuse myself, not all the time but sometimes, and that this is compromising me and my ability to move effectively, as it takes time to look with in memories instead of seeing here in the physical with in common sense what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself with in and as the physical to be able to have and develop the skill to see and be aware of my surroundings and to act accordingly, realizing that if I participate with in the mind I can not possible consider my physical reality in space time but only interpret it as the past and not what is here presently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create layers of memories with in me to carry around with me just to remember things, instead of living here in the physical in each breath in awareness to consider my physical world at all times, and thus it is unnecessary to remember as you can simply see with in and as the physical that is required in the moment with in what your daily tasks/responsibilities are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the mind is more reliable than the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to use my mind as memories to remember things, as I can see and realize that I can simply see with in reality what is required as this requires no memory, no mind but physical direct actuality of using my eyes and seeing in awareness with common sense and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my memories time and time again, even after all the evidence that shows me I can not trust my memories but only me with in the physical with in awareness of me in consideration to all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memory to remind me of things just because I am to lazy to breathe and be aware in each moment of my physical reality, that witch is here in front of me the whole time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as memory as the past as a interpreted past by the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create memories with in me to work as a clock that goes off (hopefully) to remind me of things i need to do, instead of breathing and directing myself in each breath o do the things and not to postpone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memory as a excuse that I will remember it to postpone and to not take immediate responsibility and act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill myself up with memories that I designed with in myself as clock's that must go off to remind me that I need to do something, leaving me under pressure and stress the whole time, and thus storing all the extra memories with in me as time and keeping me under stressful conditions and a time bomb, as memories actually get stored in the physical body in the cellular levels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself under stress through postponement and keeping what I had to do as a memory to remind me later, rushing my day and getting frustrated at things because I have the memory the whole time of what I still have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own frustration through postponement and creating the past into memories with in me to remind me of what i still have to do, instead I realize that I can stop creating all the unnecessary stress and frustrations by simply being here and acting in the moments with in awareness and common sense in and as the physical and thus no memory needed.

I realize that if I have to do something later, that no memory is needed, only awareness and simply physical considerations with in my world with in each breath bringing all that is here as me.

Commitments.

I commit myself to stop when I see I am using memory to remind me of what I need to do later, and to consider in the moment why I am doing so, and to with in that see if I am actually postponing and creating extra stress and frustration for myself, and to correct myself and to instead act and o in each breathe here in and as the physical as that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to write out and to forgive myself for all points of memories that I have created with in and as me to remind me of what I have to do and that has proven to me that it can not be reliable, and that I have to consider that if I do this with in my world then I am accepting it with in the whole world and so I am accepting a doctor to use his memory to do operations on people, and that he can at any moment simply just not remember as that puts peoples life's at stake, and to realize that is simple common sense and awareness is achieved that no memories is needed, but only what is here in practicality and common sense, and so a doctor needs only to see what he needs to do instead of trying to remember.

I commit myself to focus on breathing and to write and do self forgiveness on all points where I fall and go into memories, till I have stopped the pattern and be here in awareness with in and as the physical.