so having this experience within myself towards another person clealry shows that it is a point that I am tired of within myself or within my reality that I am not direction = communicating.
usually this is a cause of back chat that occurs in my secret mind towards a particular person within the same situations, this back chat is literally just my perception of or towards the other, I just keep it to myself and as the same situation comes up over and over the back chat is the same, till one day - this grows into a tiredness.
this tiredness that I have experienced towards another comes out in different expressions towards the other person, such as anger, or frustration, or irritation, or spitefullness - there are many ways that I can attempt to make the other person see that what they are doing is happening over and over and nothing is changing, and this then happens to create a certain experience within me as I am actually not the one changing, well I create the experience and I accept and allow it, because I try all those methods of emotional manipulation to try and make the person see, except direct communication to clarify what I see and what is really happening so that I can stop my bullshit back chat and rather support myself and the other person if needed.
the end result is never pretty, it is unnecessary conflict that becomes harmful, it inst constructive conflict or communication - as both parties will come from a blind side within communication, as each one has been participating within secret thoughts/backchat that has accumulated over a long period of time, and then if such patterns keep on occurring one or both will snap, and there is no time to suddenly justify or explain ALL the accumulated back chat, or there is simply no way one can, because in the end it is now only revealing itself as a feeling/emotion/possession.
So this is a point that I am dealing with in my reality of my relationships towards people that I have know for a long time, may it be friends/family/co-workers, I understand the cause of my experience and that I must take self responsibility and that NO one else is to blame for how I experience myself in any given moment - yet If I do not change my course of action and develop my communication skills with those around me - I will end up possessing myself.
communication isn't enough, clear and effective communication is whats needed, even if you do not have the vocabulary or skills, take the time to sit and develop them, with a friend, with a family member, but make sure all communication starts with the starting point of what is best for all - and that you are taking self responsibility, if those points aren't coming through then you will feel the manipulation or games that is being played as there will be this dishonest secret self feeling like self interest is met and everything is back in its comfort zone.
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