From part 1:
So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2 -
– Now at the age of twelve, I have had MANY crushes on girls, and I can promise you NONE of them know or ever knew, it was all happening secret, even when I could tell the girl really likes me as-well, I would just not do anything, but I found a solution, I wanted to become Jesus.
Jesus was a man who had no one, he didn’t have family, or a wife or kids or any of that, and he could do all these awesome stuff that normal people cannot do, so I started focusing my attention more away from having a girlfriend in real life and rather do some miracle things in real life, becoming just like Jesus was now my excuse and reason to not face the fear or insecurities of asking a girl out.
But I kept the secret relationships in my mind, I didn’t want to let go of that, playing these fantasies out gave me a nice energetic experience that I started getting high on, the LOVE energy, like I would deliberately fall in love/like a girl a LOT and just do nothing but play with the mind and thoughts and feelings and emotions for a while till I gave up on that girl (as was my plan) and then move on to the next girl, obviously there were physical application needed to keep the mind fantasy alive, these physical application was me in reality interacting in weird energetic ways towards girls that was always cute/funny or just weird, which they liked, as weird really leaves an impression. And make the girl like me just to have the hope of them liking me which would keep the mind fantasy going.
As time went by I realized that I was falling in love and then losing the love, falling in love and losing the love, and this ended up creating another kind of weird fantasy relationship.
This one would now be the long term one, where I would be in love, I would have this massive crush on a girl and already in my mind tell myself “I know I am not good enough for you right now, but ONE day I will be, and then I will have the guts, and then I will be able to tell you how much I loved you when we were young and at school, and how much I wanted to be with you, but I just never said anything – and this one day image/picture of me is this handsome guy, with a sexy beard and big muscles and clean look, with money and style etc sweeping the “lost love off her feet” and then we would be so freaken in love and live to freaken happily ever after that it is the perfect story to play out.
BUT this started now getting even weirder – Because I didn’t have any real relationships at this age with girls and only within my mind, I started creating relationships towards pictures – and falling in love with the mind more than with reality and what is real, this crated a deep separation within me from actual living and living in my mind, existing within my mind.
And thus later on when I got introduced to more magazines and porn, things got a bit out of hand, but again not as one might think.
Because I placed women on a pedestal within my mind due to early introduction of certain magazines, I could not handle porn, as I felt it was degrading women and making the perfect picture, well disgusting and abusive (which it is) but from my starting point what I was doing in my mind wasn’t that different – just a polarity, an nothing real.
So I started creating an alternative reality within my mind, (still at the age of 12 here) which had nothing to do with real girls – I started liking or seeking out the perfect girl for me according to ANIME cartoons – which I discovered in magazines (specifically gaming magazines) where I would find these drawing of short anime stories of fantasy characters living in fantasy worlds, with such completely different personalities from real girls, that I found these personalities appealing/attractive – as I I was comfortable with such personalities, and specifically how they dressed and physically looked, like NOTHING as real women of the girls in my school at that time, and I believed that it was awesome to have a cartoon to place my fantasy relationship within because it isn’t a real women, and thus not degrading or anything towards women ) none of this was ever sexual FYI) – sexual things only came into my life at the age of 14.
So now I was letting go of all the girls I liked at school, and now I was starting to look for very very specific girls before I even started liking them or creating a relationship within my mind – they had to at least resemble something from an Anime character from the stories and also have the same kind of personalities/character to them – how they dress, look, speak, act, and their looks obviously – I set up an ultimate love fantasy relationship for myself to find, but what do you know. Something happened that fit exactly that description.
This will come in the next blog – Part 3