Day 494 - My weirdest love fantasy story Part 2

From part 1:

But this was never going be in MY MIND, because there are other boys that are way cooler than me in school and they will probably take the cake, so this explains the shame I felt for if I even had to ask the girls out, like all the girls and guys would laugh at me and say – HAHAHA Gian, you and HER!!! Never lololol.

So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2 -

Part 2
– Now at the age of twelve, I have had MANY crushes on girls, and I can promise you NONE of them know or ever knew, it was all happening secret, even when I could tell the girl really likes me as-well, I would just not do anything, but I found a solution, I wanted to become Jesus.

Jesus was a man who had no one, he didn’t have family, or a wife or kids or any of that, and he could do all these awesome stuff that normal people cannot do, so I started focusing my attention more away from having a girlfriend in real life and rather do some miracle things in real life, becoming just like Jesus was now my excuse and reason to not face the fear or insecurities of asking a girl out.

But I kept the secret relationships in my mind, I didn’t want to let go of that, playing these fantasies out gave me a nice energetic experience that I started getting high on, the LOVE energy, like I would deliberately fall in love/like a girl a LOT and just do nothing but play with the mind and thoughts and feelings and emotions for a while till I gave up on that girl (as was my plan) and then move on to the next girl, obviously there were physical application needed to keep the mind fantasy alive, these physical application was me in reality interacting in weird energetic ways towards girls that was always cute/funny or just weird, which they liked, as weird really leaves an impression. And make the girl like me just to have the hope of them liking me which would keep the mind fantasy going.

As time went by I realized that I was falling in love and then losing the love, falling in love and losing the love, and this ended up creating another kind of weird fantasy relationship.

This one would now be the long term one, where I would be in love, I would have this massive crush on a girl and already in my mind tell myself “I know I am not good enough for you right now, but ONE day I will be, and then I will have the guts, and then I will be able to tell you how much I loved you when we were young and at school, and how much I wanted to be with you, but I just never said anything – and this one day image/picture of me is this handsome guy, with a sexy beard and big muscles and clean look, with money and style etc sweeping the “lost love off her feet” and then we would be so freaken in love and live to freaken happily ever after that it is the perfect story to play out.

BUT this started now getting even weirder – Because I didn’t have any real relationships at this age with girls and only within my mind, I started creating relationships towards pictures – and falling in love with the mind more than with reality and what is real, this crated a deep separation within me from actual living and living in my mind, existing within my mind.

And thus later on when I got introduced to more magazines and porn, things got a bit out of hand, but again not as one might think.

Because I placed women on a pedestal within my mind due to early introduction of certain magazines, I could not handle porn, as I felt it was degrading women and making the perfect picture, well disgusting and abusive (which it is) but from my starting point what I was doing in my mind wasn’t that different – just a polarity, an nothing real.

So I started creating an alternative reality within my mind, (still at the age of 12 here) which had nothing to do with real girls – I started liking or seeking out the perfect girl for me according to ANIME cartoons – which I discovered in magazines (specifically gaming magazines) where I would find these drawing of short anime stories of fantasy characters living in fantasy worlds, with such completely different personalities from real girls, that I found these personalities appealing/attractive – as I I was comfortable with such personalities, and specifically how they dressed and physically looked, like NOTHING as real women of the girls in my school at that time, and I believed that it was awesome to have a cartoon to place my fantasy relationship within because it isn’t a real women, and thus not degrading or anything towards women ) none of this was ever sexual FYI) – sexual things only came into my life at the age of 14.

So now I was letting go of all the girls I liked at school, and now I was starting to look for very very specific girls before I even started liking them or creating a relationship within my mind – they had to at least resemble something from an Anime character from the stories and also have the same kind of personalities/character to them – how they dress, look, speak, act, and their looks obviously – I set up an ultimate love fantasy relationship for myself to find, but what do you know. Something happened that fit exactly that description.

This will come in the next blog – Part 3

Day 493 - My weirdest love fantasy story Part 1

As a young boy, growing up lonely in a small town, I never really got to build a lot of confidence around girls.

I build a lot of confidence within myself in nature and being alone, but a side effect of this was developing a strong mind relationship with me, how I communicate with myself.

Within this, the communication I developed with girls was kind of out of my “reach” – in the sense that I am a boy, and me communicating with me as being a boy showed me how boys think, how boys respond, how we act, but NOT girls.

So interacting with others boys was okay, still not the best, as I only knew boys from school time and not from any other time outside of school, and my communication with girls always felt like ALIEN, like I was an alien communicating with another specie.

This was at a young age, around the age of seven years. At that age I did already have a girlfriend, but very unaware of it, as she asked me out, that went as follow:

Girl: Hey Gian! Will you be my boyfriend?
Me: umm, what is that??
Girl: well it is like me and you being a couple?
Me: what is that?
Girl: here take this I made it for you!! (girl handing me a piece of paper, drawn on it a heart with my name and her name in it)
Me: I take it, and I say oh.. ok, I placed the paper in my bag, my mom discovers it and shows me five years later that I had a girlfriend, I remember that moment and now realized at the age of twelve what it meant. I feel stupid, like I lost out on something.

I suddenly remember something else (still me at the age of twelve) that when I was seven I had another girlfriend, she was six years older than me, I believe we played a game, she pretended that I was her little boyfriend, and I really enjoyed it, I would visit her every day, she was way bigger than me, but I really enjoyed being around her and making jokes with her and letting her friends be silly with me (in a teasing way, the attention), I would tell her we will marry one day – remember, I now had this girl that asked me out and to be her boyfriend, but was oblivious to the moment, and it never registered and left my consciousness, yet in the same year this 13 year old girl afterwards started giving me a lot of attention, and calling me her little boyfriend, me still being oblivious to the term boyfriend or being together, till later on that same year it started making sense, it meant we are together, yet she meant it as a game we were playing, meantime I was serious about it, I started to really like this girl, I did not care if she was way older or bigger than me, me at age seven still.

I remember a physical experience I had around this older girl and her maturity versus the girls my own age, and how much I enjoyed her stability and expression, she would sometimes grab me and let me sit on her lap, in her mind I was just a tiny kid, nothing serious, but in my mind I started learning a few things, GIRLS are awesome.

She made sad remarks while this “relationship” was going on, that she will be going to high school the following year and that means we will never see each other again, which was the case, I have NO clue who she is or anything at all to this day, I have memories of her, her face and her hair and her physical form, but it is all vague, nothing clear.

Now back to me being twelve years old and my mom just showed me this love letter and me having this flash back, at this age I have now gone through quite a few times of having a liking towards certain girls in my life, girls that I met and enjoyed being around and found myself being comfortable with and the expressions, BUT never did anything about it, as I never knew how to do something about it, I expected it to come/be natural – just like when I was seven years old, I didn’t do any effort and girls came to me at that age.

So with my history of my mind relationship that I have developed with myself with how to handle myself and how to direct myself and my world, I didn’t have any GPS input on how to direct myself with asking a girl out, or how to become a couple, be together. This led to me creating more relationships in my mind, but now not just with myself, but with the girls that I liked.

I would for instance now at this age (twelve) like a girl in my grade and I would literally develop the relationship JUST in my mind, I would sit and think and play out scenarios in my mind day after day about me and the girl hanging out or watching a movie together (nothing sexual) and how I would ask the girl out, and once I ask her out how magical shit will happen, sometimes even ascending lol.

For instance I had a crush on this one girl when I was in grade 7 (age 13) – and she didn’t have a clue, but I would make sure that I see her each and every day, and have some sort of a interaction with her, like a joke or me just helping her out, or just by accident walk next to her to the next class, and it got so intense, me holding this crush completely secret to myself never exposing it, as I was afraid of being rejected and not also being liked by her or her finding me strange for liking her, or just me being fucking weird lol, so one day I was sitting at an athletic even, I saw her and I just wished I would be her boyfriend, be with her, that night I dreamed that I asked her out in front of the entire class, and she said yes, and as she took my hand, we suddenly started glowing and turning white, like angels, and we then started floating into the air, holding hands – and before you knew it we were free to just fly where we want to, escape this reality together in our togetherness.

So where did this come from, this weird relationship I created with myself, to never ask a girl out and always keep it top secret, and to live/play out the relationship within my mind only? At such a young age, meaning at the age of 7 I was way comfortable with girls, and then suddenly somewhere along the line I just became this shy kid that not has no guts to ask any girl out and to just hold it all in and keep it to myself as if I should be ashamed of it.

Well – I discovered some weird magazines, NOT porn as in all naked and sex, just magazines with a LOT of “sexy” women posing in all kinds of positions with all kinds of things in their hands or within their surroundings, with big boobs and skinny bodies, and tanned skin and beautiful hair and eyes and just fucking perfect.

But how did this influence my behaviors towards girls? Well this might surprise you, started seeing girls/women/female as being the perfect Beings, I placed women on pedestals, I started making women holy in my mind, I made women so holy that I never saw myself as even being of any value to a women, unless I looked like a dame god myself, and had money and toys real men play with.

Even though the girls at school looked nothing like the women in the magazines, I places the value of the perfect ladies in the magazines within the value of “women” – and if I like a girl, or have a crush on a girl, I have to remember that they will become like those women in the magazines, I better be prepared, to look dame hot myself, to have dame money and to be fucking cool as shit.

But this was never going be in MY MIND, because there are other boys that are way cooler than me in school and they will probably take the cake, so this explains the shame I felt for if I even had to ask the girls out, like all the girls and guys would laugh at me and say – HAHAHA Gian, you and HER!!! Never lololol.

So the relationships stayed within my mind – BUT this isn’t the weird part yet, stay tuned for the rest.. coming in Part 2

Day 492 – Being myself, being natural within work

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I can in fact decide how I experience myself when I need to do something that I have labelled as “work” – where as I can decide to make this “work” an expression of myself, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are only a certain amount of things within this world that I can express myself within and that allows my expression to show, and thus all others things that isn’t within this category of “my expression” that still needs to be done, becomes a burden, a chore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that who I am as an expression of LIFE can express myself in anything that is here, as my expression is who I am and it isn’t decided by what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according what I do and thus what I do must decide how I experience myself, seeing and realizing that this is a personality design, part of the Identity crises that we face on this planet, where we have entities that decide for us what we can and cannot do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when there is something in my reality that I must do or that needs doing and I do not nessasarely enjoy it, that I cannot express myself within doing it. Seeing and realizing that this is me separating myself from what needs to be done as something outside of me, yet I am the one that has to do it, I might as well let go of all the mind point and all the thoughts and back chat and the emotions and feelings that is deciding my experience and thus how I do the task and make it part of my expression where doing the task is then one of no effort as who I am is natural to me and to within this do everything I do naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expressions as not suitable for this world and to within this seek out only certain things within this world that I believe will accept me expression and to limit myself to my own judgement of my own expression to what I can and cannot do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression as who I am naturally is wrong and that I always need to fix myself and work on myself as my expression to fit more into this world where everyone else is doing the exact same, instead of just being myself and trusting myself as who I am and to show passion and realness through who I am instead of fakeness and pretense.

Thus I see and realize that I must also align my expression at all times within what is best for all life to make sure that my expression is abusive or harmful to others, not changing who I am but adjusting and realigning myself to be the expression that is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know who I am within all the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat clouding me, who I am and within this have a contaminated expression of myself that is always lost within my own mind and thus always acting out in a certain way that seems to confirm that there is something off with my expression, not seeing and realizing that it is my expression that is naturally here without the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat as the MIND, and to let go of the mind I will know who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance as my expressions, but to always fall into the mind as believes/ideas/opinions of who I must and thus what I can do, based on EVERYTHING around me since birth that has conditioned me through my acceptances and allowances of it.

I want to be free – freedom is to understand how everything works in LIFE, to not have thoughts/feelings/emotions chaining one down t a limited mind perspective – to be free isn’t to have no rules, it isn’t to not have any restrictions, it is to be able to freely express oneself as who you are within what is HERE without the mind trapping on within what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give thoughts power over my expressions, to let thoughts decide how I am going to approach a certain situation, instead of naturally walking in and expressing myself within what is here as REALITY, what I can see and direct one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back up my thoughts with back chat as reason and logic, to keep myself save from expressing myself, in the fear that my expression will be judged by others, seeing and realizing that it is and has always only be me judging me and through my own judgment decide and make certain actions that then show/reveal these internal judgement point where other are also now seeing it and thus doing onto me as I have done onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR expressing myself as who I naturally am and to TRUST who I am not matter what – seeing and realizing that this trust has been lost (since I was a baby) due to me accepting and allowing thoughts/feelings/emotions/back chat to govern my LIFE that as based on the mind as deception of LIFE as the slave creator, as the web of my own enslavement to energy.

Day 491 - Identity

Who am I, for as long as I can remember, I have been identifying myself with the system, with society and all the constructs that is here. I have identified myself with everything my eyes can see that is seen as acceptable within society, within the system, I have live many identities, I have changed my identities year after year to fit in with society, to become a part of society that is accepted within the majority of society. I have been Identifying myself with emotions and feelings, with the thoughts I have that I had to create to fit in with society, I have over time come to believe that I am this Identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself establish my identity based on things that are outside of me, such as images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an Identity for myself that limits me to this identity and thus what I can do and cannot do according to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity for myself based on the idea that I was born without one.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the Identity I was born with was that of LIFE, and not a personality, as I can clearly state that I do not know or remember who I was when I was born, and thus my evidence that the Identity of who I am isn’t based on life experience or memories, as I already existed at birth as someone, as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that who I am now as an Identity isn’t me, isn’t who I am but simply accumulated experiences/memories that I have accepted and allowed to define me, where I have given it value, and thus devalue myself from LIFE to something less, to a personality that is imperfect, and to within this imperfect personality as my identity walk in self-judgement consistently, never reaching my utmost potential as LIFE, as who I am in fact but has forgotten, that lies underneath all the memories (me more lies) and entangled within thoughts that occupies my mind consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am now as a MIND as a personality as the identity that I have given myself is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I have become since birth is the real me, not seeing and realizing that who I have become is actually the suppression of the real me from birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to hold onto the Identity that I have become in fear that I will lose myself, seeing and realizing that I will lose the identity but in return I will realize myself, layer by layer back to LIFE as the real identity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of Identifying myself as the personality/mind that I am now , as a state of self-judgement and limitation, where this state is in fact De-manning myself, as a demon, where I do not see myself worthy as LIFE anymore and thus within this mind set abuse life and do not care for life, but now only to sustain this false identity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize holding onto this false Identity that isn’t me from birth and thus will not be me at death, holds everything that isn’t real and thus I live in a way within this identity that is sustain a world/system that isn’t real, which is thus abusing all life that is real to create a world that uses what is real to create the false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize HOW damaging it is towards myself and all LIFE to hold on to a Identity, as an Identity has a certain mind set, and if this identity’s mind set is that of NOT change, of not caring, of only being interested about itself and its existence then the possibility for change and for ending all abuse of life is nil.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Identity is and ID ENTITY – a Entity that has an ID, a license to live in me, where I have given this entity permission to exist for me, to decide for me, to take direction for me, while I sit paralyzed not able t do anything, as the entity has been given full control of my LIFE by my permission in the believe that this is the way things are and supposed to be, this entity is the MIND.