Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Fear of being BEATEN, and the Truth of truth - Day 659

Story: I am 6 years old, there is a party of some sorts at my home. Lots of people have shown up. Everyone is walking around or sitting and talking. There were no kids of my age, just me among the bigger people.

Between all the partying, I found myself looking for a place I can hang out, so I naturally went to my mother. She was busy talking to other ladies, so I was told to not interrupt. I decided to stand there and rather listen, to some degree that was entertaining, to hear what people talk about and say.

As I was standing on the grass listening to my mother speaking, I noticed they were speaking about other people, my mother said something about something, I could not remember, At that moment something came over me in relation to what my mother said, I knew she was LYING, and it slipped out of my mouth, I interrupted my mothers conversation and I said directly to her, you are lying!!

My mother, very quickly corrected me, through threatening me in her words and her presence, telling me, YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, she looked like she was going to assault me, I had a massive rush of fear coming over me - the next thing my mother said, GO to your room before I slap you. I turned away and I did not know what to make of what just happened.

I was told to not speak the truth or I will be beaten and threatened and possibly die. I walked away to my room crying by myself. I part me felt broken at that point, a new fear arose within me, a fear of control.

I remember from that point on, I never said the "truth" again, I always stayed quiet where I could, not saying what I knew or saw, but rather see how I could make a story up, or simply avoid anything that placed me in a position where I knew "better" and had to deal with myself and my fears to not speak what I knew. As a Kid at that age, I did not have any alternative motives to not speak the truth, so now an alternative motive became my very own fear of talking the truth, and now, how to NOT speak the truth (truth is to not deny what is here) but rather say nothing or make up an excuse, or to paint a different picture instead.

Present moment:

So now, many many years later, I have found myself "lost" within how do I speak what I see, in the fear of the person or people involved might react, revolt, or even go further and BEAT me, now when I say the word beat here, I am referring to either physically or with words/knowledge - as both can harm, the sword or the tongue. I get overwhelmed with this fear, especially when I know what I see, and so instead of speaking, I become my mother - I react just as she did at that moment when I was 6, I become possessed, I have no way of directing the fear, and so I rather go into anger and let my shit out that way, as I suppressed truth over time, I created a demon that will never allow me to speak truth, as it possesses me before I could ever say what I truly wanted to say and end up saying all the backchat and thoughts that accumulated in fear.

Through the Desteni Message and principles, with all the tools available, I have now come to see even more, as I have learned about self-honesty, I have come to also see the difference between what is TRUTH as in honesty as deception, and what is Truth as in self-honesty and self -assessment.

Truth can be the truth, if someone is lying and I call it out, then I am speaking the truth, yet am I speaking out from the starting point of what is best for all? or for a self-interested point? as I reflected on that moment/memory, when I was 6 years old, I saw that I said out loud to my mother that she is lying, because I myself wanted to get back at my mother for not allowing me to participate in the conversation, so I used the truth to give myself a winning moment, this was very subtle, but damn was this truth of myself hiding deep down and years of hate and resentment took place, and only through walking my process in self-forgiveness and investigating my past, was I able to see how I have used this memory for years to hold something against my mother, and ignoring the truth of who I was within doing what I did, thus blaming and not seeing the equal and one participation of both sides that took place.

I used I was just a child, I was a child was pure and innocent, so I was right, I was broken by your words mother, for years this ran in my head because I used it to NOT have to take responsibility and to get away with my own shit within myself.

I share this story and moment to once again give the point forward of how important it is to walk your process and to stop the games playing our lives, and so LOOk at the truth of who I am, who you are in fact, really slow down and see into your memories for real, see the points, and realize the truth of who I am must be life, not some game of minds.

This walking of this point for myself, brought forgiveness to me and for me to my mother, as it gave understanding (disclosure). I also realized how easily I am my mother, and she me.