Day 256 – The Patterns of Who I am Every Day Part 5




Why do I take the time and spend the time in my head in secret to talk about other people, to judge other people and to categorize other people and to label other people and to place things on and over other people in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my Time in my head gossiping/back-chatting about others, seeing and realizing that I am actually giving time to be evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the Evil within actually gicing time inside my head to gossip and have back-chat about others/things within my mind in secret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that within the act of gossiping having back-chat about others in my mind in secret is deceptive and dishonest and nasty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally “spend” physical resources of my body as the physical energy resources my body has to transform that energy into “mind” energy through gossiping and having back chat about others/things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am abusing my body and the resources my body has and have made within participating within my mind in secret as gossip and back chat towards/about others/things just to be nasty/spiteful/evil/cruel all in the name of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I gossip and have back chat about within my mind in secret towards/about others is in fact me projecting things I Judge/gossip and have back-chat about myself onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear within me as my insecurities and self judgments is the things I project onto others and then have gossip/back-chat about it in my mind to make it all seem real and separate from me just so that I can feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip and to have back-chat about others within my mind in secret just to always end up making myself feel better about myself even if it means always being nasty/spiteful/mean/judgmental/evil/cruel within my mind about others/things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the seeking and wanting for happiness comes at the cost of me being evil towards others just so that I may always seem like the better person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am existing within self interest as always only wanting to be happy and have a positive experience that I will even sell myself for it through being evil/nasty/spiteful/mean within my mind in secret towards others/thing just to make myself seem better as I cast the light onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others/things, not seeing and realizing that judgment is always from self interest as judgment is in itself as its meaning/purpose is to rather look at others and not to look at self as it is a way of placing everything on something out there away from me, seeing and realizing that I do this because I know that it is with me that the judgment starts first and thus I am the one that must correct myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I judge myself as I have judges others and as I have been judge by those that has gone before me and that judgment is always of the mind as a interpretation of reality and not reality in fact, as reality as the physical with no mind never judge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not se and realize that what I judge of others is what I judge of myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself and to within this judgment feel bad and as if I am sinful and not good enough and through this fear these things and feel insecure about it and to within that try and do start to place judgment onto others in secret in my mind as a way to take the attention I have given the self judgment to someone else so that I may feel good again, instead of seeing and realizing that I have to stop the self judgment as the solution instead of projecting/casting it onto others and through this create a world/reality of abuse as gossip/back-chat and evil in secrets in dark places.

To be continued.

Day 255 - The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 4



Day 255 - The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 4

So why do I create nasty stuff in secret about others and about certain points? Why do I take the time and spend the time in my head in secret to talk about other people, to judge other people and to categorize other people and to label other people and to place things on and over other people in my mind.

Well that is the point where I face who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, because it is who I am that decides what I do.

Self Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create nasty stuff in secret within my mind about other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the imagination as the mind as NOT reality where I judge and gossip and do all kinds of nasty in my head about others and everything that is always secret, not seeing and realizing that the fact that it is happening in my mind is already all the proof I need to show me that I am making it all up and that it is never real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that anything going on in my head that isn’t darkness and emptiness is nasty, even if it seems positive or negative, the fact that its happening in secret shows that is itself interest and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within secret in my mind as gossip as back-chat and thoughts towards and about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conversations in my mind about other people and or things, seeing and realizing how I create my own beliefs/ideas/opinions within my mind which is always made up and not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others and to within this create and make gossip within my mind towards them as if they are always on the wrong and where i am always right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people and that they might abuse me or misuse me or take advantage of me and to within this create separation within my mind through gossiping and having back chat and nasty thought about them to make the separation seem real to validate the fear I have, not seeing and realizing that the separation in reality in seeing with my real eyes is and can never be real and that it is only a illusion kept alive in the mind through the constant gossip/back-chat in the mind.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am the one creating what I fear of other humans through the act of participating in my mind as back-chat and gossip towards them and about them, making things up in my mind based on assumptions and mind interpreting observations which is always limited to my own Mind and what in there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear of others within my mind as abusing me or misusing me or taking advantage of me is exactly what i am doing onto them first through participating in my mind in gossip and back-chat about them, seeing and realizing what a hypocrite I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within secret thoughts towards other people or things in my world as a way of always defending my own fears, not seeing and realizing that I am the problem and the creator of my own fear and that it isn’t the other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am responsible for how i experience myself through what I accept and allow within me and that I can always only be the one responsible for what’s inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I react towards other people when they ask me something or talk to me that it is not them creating the reaction but that it is all my secret thoughts/back-chat/gossip that I have had in my mind previously that now comes to surface, seeing and realizing how I have created the reaction and the fear and the anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I react when someone asks of me something to do for them that they are not abusing me or misusing me or taking advantage of me for simply asking something of me, but that it is the mind that will feel this way to fight for limitations and fears and to always be the winner to do the least work as a way to fuel the mind with more back chat and gossip and thoughts that keeps the enslavement of energy going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question why is it that the mind wants to react and defend and fight for limitations and to always want to win and confirm the fears that I have as being real, and that i simply accepted and allowed it as normal behavior without any questioning and Why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the mind does not need any specific reason to win that makes sense, as all that mind wants is energy to feel something, either good or bad as it is a addiction the physical body has been forced to be addicted to through acceptances and allowances and thus the back chat and gossip and thought that happen in secret is like building secret weapons to fight for anything to win to get a rush or energy even if it is for one’s own limitation and enslavement to energy as the mind.

To be continued.

Day 254 - The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 3



Who am I every day, there are so many characters and then there is the personality – the baseline so to say of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

This baseline is what I am looking at, the general “me” that I have defined myself as and have lived, the characters that I play come from this baseline/foundation.

I will now take a closer look at this baseline of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as through taking myself and looking at myself when I am all alone.

They say you can learn to know a person and who they really are through getting them angry, because then their real face shows, well all that is showing when you make someone angry is their back chat, their thoughts that they have in secret.

And this is what I am looking at without having to become angry first to see it, or to react or whatever, I take myself and I place myself alone in the dark, and I see what is here as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be through investigating myself as who I am in secret, seeing the thoughts and seeing the secret mind.

Because it is as we all fear to admit within the mind that we think and talk to ourselfs about others and things and then make decisions, and we all know how limited it is for every human to do decision making this way, because we are all limited to ONLY the judgments of our knowledge and information we have in our minds about stuff that we got from those that has gone before us, and this is why we all Fear so much what other think of us for instance, and why it is a problem, because it is always dishonest, it is always happening in secret in the mind as thinking and having thoughts and chatting/gossip to ourselves in our minds.

We can change this world if we all stop the mind, stop living in two worlds while we all clearly share one, to stop living in secret thoughts and back chat about others and ourselves and everything, it is called opinions for a reason, it is a opinion and not a fact, it is something made up within a person’s own mind within the limits of their own knowledge and information stored within them that was taught to them and repeated over and over till it sank in and then eventually the person believe the opinion is their own free speech.

So I am saying out a pretty simple example of what I am walking here as me in secret as the baseline of who I am every day, it is those repetitive thoughts and back chat that comes up every day, they might seem a bit different at times but yet it is really all the same.

So who am I in general every day, looking at the points where I repeat myself everyday regardless of what I do or try and act out these points keep coming up.

I am now looking at a very prominent point which is me reacting when someone is asking me to do something for them.

I face this point daily living in a community, we all live in a Big community called earth, we only like to care for only a certain part of the community that we call family, while the rest is neglected, here where I live there is no family, we are all people equally made of flesh and bone and mostly water and so we recognize the basics needs of each being and how we all can live together functioning in harmony, this requires a lot of communication and considering things and really facing yourself in those moments.

So when someone asks me to do something for them I react, this isn’t normal because the reaction shows to me that I had secret thoughts and back chat previously about this point, and now that the point is here in the present I react to it as all the past back chat and thoughts come in rushing, the past flooding the present.

So what is it I talk to about myself in secret so that when I am asked to so something I react instead of simply seeing t for what it is as someone asking me to do something for them, I see that the back chat and thoughts come in and make it a WHOLE other point and takes a simple asking to do something for someone and place it out of context within me which creates a lot of energy friction that then builds up, If I am not breathing some nasty stuff can come out, because it is this nasty stuff that I created in secret.

So why do I create nasty stuff in secret about others and about certain points? Why do I take the time and spend the time in my head in secret to talk about other people, to judge other people and to categorize other people and to label other people and to place things on and over other people in my mind.

Well that is the point where I face who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, because it is who I am that decides what I do.

I see within this one point that I do it again out of fear, I have back chat and gossip and thoughts in my mind about other people because I fear something and within my mind I believe I am building a case to defend myself, I believe that in my mind I am setting things right, I believe that in my mind I can prepare myself to face this fear.

So in relation to this Point I see the fears, the fear is being used, abused and that it is all unfair that someone is asking me to do something for THEM – I highlight THEM because that is the separation point I see in my mind.

Now I am going to look at the inner conversations/back-chat that takes place within me as a response to the fear I have which originated from the believe that I am separate from Them. Separation is always fear.

Back-Chat points.
Them being out there, them being the other people, them being the people that want to abuse and use me and that want to only sit back and do nothing, them being the people thinking they are more than me, them being the people that is lazy and wanting to use my hard labor/work for their own purposes while they can if they want to, really do it themselves, or at least try before asking. Why do they always just jump to asking first instead of trying to do it themselves, that’s what I always do first, so why can’t they, they always thing I have so much spare time on my hands to do everything they ask, I am already so busy why do they not consider that, I have other things to do that is more important then their little requests. Cant they consider it.

See the back chat, see how I have used the back chat within my mind as a way to reason and make it all seem so True and real and that it is so tempting to just use that as a weapon to burst out at someone when they ask me to do something for them, so that they can feel bad and shit for only abusing me and using me and that they are not willing to do so themselves, proving that they are only abusing, haha I am so cleaver, look at how I figured this out, I saw their game, I can now play them back.

Ok so realize that everything I wrote from Back-Chat till here is always the mind fucking with you, it is never real, it is always based on pure assumption and interpretation and beliefs of self and others and self judgments and judging others, it is always not real, so Breathe and walk through the resistances, stop that shit, stop that limitations, because in the back-chat points I gave one should and must clearly see how I have in my Mind only defended and fought for my own limitations just for the sake of proving my Fear was right?? What’s that all about??

So here it is to now look deeper, what happened in my Life that I created such a big point in relation to this point of being asked to do something for someone else and reacting to it every-time – everyday I walk around in this anxiety/fear that someone will suddenly ask me to do something for them.

I have written about this point before, I have walked it as many words, for instance the one old blog I wrote was called “ fear of unfairness” which is this exact point, and another one was on reacting when I am asked to do something” and the other one is “fear of being misused/abused” so it is showing me that I am still walking this point, it’s like ruling my every day and my every movement and it is going to stop, because it is abusive and not best for all life quite obviously.

Here is a lot of cool point I will walk in self forgiveness and corrective statements next.

Next up self forgiveness. .




Day 253 – The Trap of Who I am Every Day Part 2 – I am Fear



Continuing - from Day 252 – The Trap of Who I Am Every Day.

Knowing is useless, applying is the key.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have used FEAR in my life to create a red light within me to stop me from doing certain things or from facing certain things and to only keep me trapped within my mind as all the reasons/justifications I have attached to each and every fear I have and why I have it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I use fear as a way to manipulate and control myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I use fear to deceive myself within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a way to control and manipulate myself into doing certain things or to not doing certain things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to direct me as a energy experience that scares me, where I scare myself. Instead of using common sense and self honesty within the principal of what is best for all life in all ways that never requires fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify all the fear I have created within me through space and time within past experiences stored as memories within my body as JUST who I am and thus cannot change it, seeing and realizing that it is JUST a JUSTification, as all justification is just a fiction of the mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to always follow fear no matter what it is or I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that all I fear losing is the fear itself and that I will then realize that the fear was never real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself t fear losing all the fear I have within the fear of what I already know being confirmed – that all the fear isn’t real and just made up in my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that the fear i have existed as all my life to not be real, seeing and realizing that I have thus created myself as fear all my life and that what I actually fear losing is myself as I have built and created myself through space and time on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself within the realization that all I have ever known as myself was my fear and that i will not know who I will be without the fear, seeing and realizing that stopping the fear also means that now I have to make the decisions and not rely on pre-programmed fear to direct me as a energy that i give power to scare me into making certain decisions.

Ok so here I am making cool discovery, I have and am still only ever made decisions from fear, so I have have defined myself and built my characters and thus my entire personality on fear, so if I remove the fear as the foundation then all of me that I have defined as me through all my life will be revealed as not real, as it has always only been fear – so who the fuck am I then if not FEAR.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my foundations of who i am currently is built from fear, seeing and realizing that if I remove the fear than I will suddenly not have ALL those limitations and moralities and all the shit I have always hated about myself any more and that I then have to make actual real decisions for myself in each moment that is one hundred percent me deciding it all and thus I am then self responsible for everything all the time in awareness of it all, which is the part I am scared of. You know, removing the whole ignorance is bliss point, where I use fear to be apparently ignorant to always be able to say, I was scared as something that is again apparently justifiable.

To be continued.

Day 252 – The Trap of Who I am Every Day.



I have seen and realize this point over and over and over, and yet I haven’t changed it at all, the Fear is simply too great to change it.

What am I talking about? Every day I assume a Character that I expect everyone wants to see of me, I assume that this is the only character that is acceptable by everyone around me, I have played this character every day of my life for so long because I have thus far been “save” with this Character.
This Character I am talking about is the Character that I always put on in front of other people, I even wear it when I am alone in my room in the fear that if someone else comes in they will see me without my mask, but I have done this for so long now that I have forgotten that I am wearing a mask/character.

I know I have to take the mask/character off and I have to really get rid of it, and not to only bring out that what I am trying to hide, that isn’t the point, I have done my self-forgiveness, I have placed my commitments and I have realized myself in many ways, but now I have to actually LIVE these commitments as that which is best for all LIFE.

This is where the scary part comes in – I do not know what to find underneath the mask, I do not know who I will be once I stop playing this character – or to be more clear on the point, I do know what to expect from me – that is why I fear taking it all, because I know once I take off the mask, once I stop the character I will change not just me, But I will change everyone and everything around me.

This is what I fear – what will happen when I stop pretending the character, what will happen once I stop putting on the masks that has been keeping me save.

I know who I can be, I know what I must do as that which is best for all life, But this Idea/belief that i have of myself as this Gian character that I play every day is so integrated into my actions/movements and my words and my habits and behaviors that I seem to just not to be able to stop it in time and to change.

Why can’t I stop it in time? there is FEAR, the fear gives it all away, the fear directs it all, the fear is the fucker that wins every time, the fear is what makes the shit in my head seem so fucking real that i act on it without considering a thing, the Fear that i give all my power to is doing exactly what fear does, it keeps me in my box called the mind.

Why is there fear? I know that there is a extremely very thin line between change and no change, all it requires is that one tiny step over the line to the other side and then there is no stopping the consequences of that, so I actually fear the consequences of change, and I am not here connecting consequences to a negative emotion, consequences is simply the outflow of your actions, it can either be best for all life or not, it isn’t judged as good or bad, it is what it is to bring about a world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the correction that is required of me to set myself free from and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear that I give power to every time when that moment is here of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I break the chains of fear that I give power to through participating within the mind that makes it seem so real within all the future projections and ideas and beliefs I create from and as the fear that might happen if I break the chains to direct me and to keep me enslaved to the fear as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself into the unknown of breaking the chains of fear and that i will support myself effectively with whatever happens and come my way if it is either good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that breaking the chains of fear and acting within the best interest of all life as myself, that it must either be a good or a bad consequential outflow that occurs, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I act within the best interest of all life that the outflow of my actions can always only be best for all life no matter how it seems to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear as it is all I have ever known and even come to trust, trusting the fear and the chains and that these chains are keeping me save, when in fact they are keeping me enslaved and limited and in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when i take that one step that is always too late to take back that i will not be able to follow through and fall, seeing and realizing that this is what the fear wants me to fear to keep me in fear LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief and make all the justifications/reasons that come up why not to change that comes from fear to be valid and real and that I must stick to them with good reason, seeing and realizing that this good reason is to only keep the fear alive while I die and burn in the fear slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that fear can and will never be an excuse for why I did not do what is best for all life in all ways and why I did not stand up in the moments that I saw I had to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I am within each moment is decided by me and that if and when I give fear permission to be who I am that is exactly who i will be, seeing and realizing that I am the only one that can decide in every moment/breathe to not live and exist as fear and to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that who i am everyday in the face of others is who i am have to remain to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the character of who I am daily through blindly believing that it is all I can ever be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the trap of who i am daily is not the same as who i am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the character I am everyday just to be save from facing msyelf and standing a life and what is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change who i am daily that everyone else is sued to that I will only face negative consequences, not seeing and realizing that the change that takes place must be self honest in each breathe to what is here in consideration of others here walking their processes, and thus accordingly I act within the best interest of all and not within the self interest of only changing myself just for the sake of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change from the starting point of not having to face myself anymore as the fear, seeing and realizing that the fear will always be here till I stand one and equal as it and not to separate myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and idea about change and that it must be dramatic and life changing like a bomb going off, seeing and realizing that the change I am talking about as self change to that which is best for all life is a living change where I become the example and not where I now change and go an bash other people and suddenly being all different as that isn’t how it works in terms of best for all life as it will only serve my self interest of wanting change for the sake of change instead of real change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will say and do once they notice change within me as a living example.

To be continued.




Day 251 – The Death of My Horse Part 9 – The Journey to Life





Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from this part – “Seeing and realizing that as I live as Fear as who I am that all I will and can do as Fear and self interest is create and manifest my own fears, through constantly trying to dominate and control life in fear of Life being alive lol, because that has been judged as being bad and out of control.”

Ok so I am going to apply self forgiveness on all the fear points I faced daily with Titan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Losing control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear losing control of other Beings and that they might hurt me then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt if and when I lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I ever had control, seeing and realizing that the control I thought I had was always only a attempt and not in fact control as it is impossible to control another being as it always require their agreement first to seem like control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not control things outside of me that they will always be a threat to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other beings as always being a threat to me, seeing and realizing that within this I act out in my behavior to control and dominate which is abusive and not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being dominated and controlled by other beings, as being their bitch and having to do whatever they ask/want, thus seeing and realizing how I always attempt to do this first to other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being another beings bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as another beings bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to work with another being and to within this fear first control and dominate the other being to force the being into working with me, never considering to simply communicate and create equal agreements to walk together, and to within this destroy relationships through always first built the foundations of the relationships on fear through control and dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not have control over another being that the other being will take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not have control that I will be abused and misused by other beings, seeing and realizing how Titan showed me that within this fear all I did was create my fear onto other beings and abuse them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear something Bigger than me such as a horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to fear something when and as it is bigger than me, seeing and realizing that it is to understand and work with and not to control and dominate as that will lead to abuse and consequences and in the end in fact manifest the fears.

To be continued.

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