Day 512 – Helping others but not myself Part 2

Where the last post ended: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an irrational IDEA/belief/opinion within my mind of what a good person is, where this irrational idea/belief/opinion of being a good person is me pleasing EVERY single person, which by a mathematical equation is literally impossible, yet I try every day and thus fail every day and thus the end result of every day is me being a failure, but I keep trying hoping that I can master/learn each and every person’s idea/belief/opinion of what a good person is and to when I am in their presence I can live that IDEA/belief/opinion - and fail.

So the word FAIL – has come up as the opposite within me regarding this point of wanting to please everyone, it is a mind consciousness design so it works in polarities, to simply keep the mind consciousness alive.

Success and failure are the two opposites, I have taken success and replaces that with “pleasing everyone/being a good person” and then the failure polarity is that of “upsetting everyone/not being a good person.

Here I have to go back to my early childhood memories where I was being programmed through my environment and how I interpreted the moments/experiences – as a child born into this world already as a being, as someone – this being/Someone as me starts to now living in this world where there are already BILLIONS of conditions set/in place, and as I as the being starts moving myself through this reality I encounter countless moments/experiences – with me not being born with any information about this reality I am now interpreting these moments by following those who has been here before me, unconditionally and how they respond to the moments.

This is happening from the moment of birth, and as I can say I do not remember anything from my birth till about the age of three – YET this is the time in which I learned almost everything I know today, my mobility as my body and all the parts of it, my language and speaking/speech and how I now look at the world through the formal education I have received from my parents/people in the environment(s) – then as I have now developed a language and a general level or vocabulary to communicate and interact with my reality and those within it, I can now start living by myself, but only according to what I have already now acquired as my education/words/vocabulary – which can be very limited and with all the wrong meanings or with emotional conditions to words and what they mean, and then also the amount of environments I am exposed to learn new things outside of the normal setup where I was born and raised in within the first three years – or it can be the opposite where I was enriched with a wide vocabulary to make sense of my reality more and to be able to communicate and talk more and to interact more with the right meanings of words/understanding of them and no emotional connections which decided how I interpret new information within my mind and thus how I in tern respond.

Now – it is obvious through me not remembering any of my first three years of life on earth, I cannot YET go back and find the main programming right now, but as I can see, everything that exist as me here in each moment stems from that, it is an outflow and thus actually still the same, it just looks different and I have over time made it my own as if it all is ME in fact, when in fact I was taught everything from someone else – not who I am.

So understanding this is easy, seeing this point is easy, and coming to terms with even if I know it isn’t me and that I was taught everything I belief myself to be and living it right now as if it is me, I have accepted and allowed it and thus I am it right now but It does not mean it is real and actually who I must be.

Yet back to the point, I learned morality from those that has gone before me, I learned what is good and what is bad through peoples actions and words and how they used those words and actions, and I took it on as the right way, and even if it was towards me, I would unconditionally take it on and become the moralities, the good and the bad, even if only the good was enforced within me by those that raised me, the good always implied the bad, the opposite, and thus if only the good was enforced within me then I made the obvious now conclusion, what is so bad about me that everyone only enforces the good in me, what is it that people think of me that I need to only hear the good, is there something that is bad about me that is being covered by all the good praise.

So as I can see ZI created the polarity point within myself within understanding the construct of good and bad from the system design as the mind consciousness, that if I am good then there must be dad, and I interpret the bad with my limited vocabulary by myself – and so the bad would become to BIG in my mind because the good has been praised to BIG/much from others, that I later on feared keeping up with all the good and always living the good and always keeping up to everyone’s standard of me being good in their eyes, this fear of now being bad became my internal reality, it became my fear – and as curiosity works, I had to every now and then push the point of testing out the bad, the opposite of my goodness, just to see if it is real, it others will notice it, and if it will bring different reaction, and so it did, I brought out reactions/actions that I did not enjoy, I did not want to be seen as bad because what comes from that is bad lol.

BUT – how did I interpret the reactions/actions of others when I did something “bad” in the eyes of other mind consciousness systems? The action has always been in the nature of suppression, suppress what the child is doing, hide it, in fear of the child becoming evil or being a bad person and only keep/reveal the good, which now became a belief inside of me as the child that there is something terrible inside of me, something great and evil that others fear seeing and so I must fear seeing it as well, I must be every afraid, I must never show it – because society will react in a way to suppress and kill this evil, this evil has NO place in society and I am this evil, it was confirmed by the actions/reaction of others towards me when I exposed/tested out the point.

So now in time, I have lived as a very good person, I have proven to be the opposite of this evil/bad that I belief lives inside of me, I have gone the extra mile to always help people and to always PROOF my goodness, while suppressing the real issues that I have developed through my limited mind interpretation of events back then and how other responded in ignorance and fear. BUT what do I know, with this belief that I am evil/bad growing and growing within me year after year, I started playing things out in my life that I deliberately did within this BELIEF (not real) that I now started using as my own evidence to proof that I am evil, and to proof my parents right that there was a great evil that they SAW in me as a child based on how they responded to me as a child acting in curiosity – and to have this last point of failing and being bad and to just proof that my parents was right, they had to enforce all the good in me all those years, they had to only motivate me positively, they had to only always come forth as happy around me, because if they didn’t, I would have ended up as a evil mother fucker, so the consequences isn’t nessasarely me going out and being evil – as it is all internalized.

It starts out with thoughts of failure, thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of me not being what everyone expected of me, as the physical reality exposes polarities with consequences that reveals us to ourselves and the polarities that has been created and lived so that we can have a moment to SEE and to change, to move out of the polarity constructs that enslave us the mind consciousness systems of energy with the purpose of one thing, to generate energy and to let self-interest prevail as a personality that wanted to be right/win, even if it means self-proofing and winning in being evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is an evil within me that I do not understand, because as a child no one else was able to explain to me what it was that I saw or acted out, but instead reacted and taught me to rather suppress and hide what is going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the belief and Ideas and opinions of others of what is good and what is bad and to within this classify myself as BOTH and to live out both, where I chose according to my environment and circumstances to live out the good and to hide the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the evil MORE than what it is within me due to a lack of vocabulary to place it in common sense and assessing it and to rather go into irrational thinking that is based on emotions/feelings that then become actions that I myself to not understand yet justify as being ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a polarity of good and bad within myself and within this world, where I ONLY do good in front of others and do evil in secret as I have judged myself as evil and as good and that only the good can be exposed and the evil must remain hidden, yet the evil ALWAYS exposes itself at some point – which then can enforce the belief of oneself of being evil/bad and this personality comes out more where one starts participating within destructive behavior/patterns just to proof self and others right that self was evil all this time, as the good part of self later on do not get recognition anymore and it starts to just become normal and thus no more energy is being received from being good, so a polarity shift is required to generate energy again for the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this Good and Evil construct isn’t me, it is something that I was shown and taught.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this polarity of good and evil within myself as two extreme part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to belief myself to be.

To be continued

Day 511 - helping others but not myself

I have been dealing with quit a big part of myself as who I have defined myself as, and this part has got to do with me seeing and helping other people with their potential, helping others through self destructive patterns and seeing the better, becoming the better part of self.str
Yet, I have never done this for myself, in fact I have a shit load of problems that I need to deal with, but I occupy myself and my time with always helping others and forgetting myself so to say.

I have been doing so for a while now, and this is coming back to bite me in my ass, in the past few weeks I have been dealing with some mayor internal conflicts (the mind) in other words, where these points do as always effect the physical reality.

I see within myself that I can help others, YET they always in the end have to help themselves, I can not always just be on stand by waiting, this is simply me distracting myself from really facing my myself and my internal points and thus my reality.

so as a base design of my personality as what I have always done is the savior construct, only in this story there is now happy ending, because while I am out saving I am doing this from a starting point of self-sacrifice, which will lead slowly but surely to a sacrifice, where all my suppression, all my problems just accumulate and accumulate till they have no where else to go but OUT.  

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care about myself and to give focus and attention to "saving others" and forgetting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important and that I do not matter and do not need saving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a good life in comparison to others and thus I do not deserve to push myself to reach and be my utmost potential as it isn't fair towards those that isn't in the same situation as me with the same opportunity and thus I must sacrifice myself to rather help others, while I sink.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I do not deserve any help or that I am not worthy being helped as I will just waste other peoples time, and thus I might as well waste my own time by forgetting about myself and focusing on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and to within this neglecting my life and effecting everyone in my life/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ABUSE myself though the believes that I have about myself and to within this secretly abuse others that isnt "intentionally" yet it happens through my actions/beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I focus on myself and bettering myself as what is best for all LIFE and to reach my utmost potential that I will come forth as selfish and as a bad person, because I am now not focusing on pleasing others and caring for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sour and angry and resentful towards the world and the people within this world due to my belief that everyone is keeping me hostage within their perception of me as being a good person and because of ME living within the expectation of others perception of me as MUST be good, I always believe that I must do everything good as much as possible and never care for myself, and thus create a blame game that shifts my responsibility towards the world and thus the world now becomes the problem instead of seeing and realize that this perception, this belief, Idea is all but in my head and I am living it as if it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being seen as a bad guy, a person that isn't doing good and the best he can to help others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others having a bad perception of me and how that will influence my world and who I am within this reality that I share with billions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an irrational IDEA/belief/opinion within my mind of what a good person is, where this irrational idea/belief/opinion of being a good person is me pleasing EVERY single person, which by a mathematical equation is literally impossible, yet I try everyday and thus fail every day and thus the end result of every day is me being a failure, but I keep trying hoping that I can master/learn each and every persons idea/belief/opinion of what a good person is and to when I am in their presence I can live that IDEA/belief/opinion - and fail.

to be continued
 

Day 129 – Living a Commitment Day 1 of 21.

Today was interesting – I actually - during my day focused on breathing as the commitment I made to myself, to stop the mind and birth myself as LIFE.

BUT there were very interesting points that revealed itself more clearly and that I could now see within breathing more effectively.

The first Point that I saw was I had less thoughts and internal Movements as energy as emotions/feelings – so the interesting point(s) I noticed was that there were moments when I completely stopped breathing and went into a immediate State of thoughts (possession) of Fear/anxiety/survival.

This was triggered in specific moments when I was in different areas of my day with different people.

So when I was alone or working on my own, the breathing was stable and I was able to stop any thoughts immediately, as a thought came up I said out loud to myself I commit myself to breathe – and I breathed instead of thinking and participating in the thoughts, I did not suppress it, I made sure I breathed through it.

So I saw that ALL the thoughts I have during my day(s) was/is but distractions of/from the MAIN points that I am actually physically walking and living as the patterns/characters I have become, thus I realized that I over load myself with so many thoughts that I “hide’ the main points such as fear/anxiety/secret-mind that I have manifested as the living me in the flesh, pre-occupying myself to not face these points.

I breathe – I walk – I am committed to this one point till it is done.

Main Point number 1 – this is one of the Characters/patterns that I am living as -- and that I have manifested myself as, as the walking me in my application resonantly and in all behaviours and words.

“The -- I am ALWAYS a bad person Character”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always live and move myself within the behavioural patterns of I am a bad Peron.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I live in a resonantly possessed state of I am a bad person that reflect within all my words/actions and that it shows in everything I do as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being bad compared to being good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have manifested myself as the flesh within the self judgment of always being bad to such an extent that I even belief I do not have the right to stand up for that which is best for all life because apparently I am just too bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resonate with the self judgment as the thoughts I had/have in my mind about myself and to through this create a character within and as the living flesh that lives the words/thoughts that I resonated with in every detail of my life that end up as consequences such as always not pushing though points or not to commit to something because I have already judged myself as being bad and thus already failed within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to define myself according to past/memories where I did not finish something or stayed committed to something and got judged by people/system such as in school and that I have within this created a character of myself that I have made in such a way to never have the “right” to change and to actually be Good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad from past experiences within and from school/parents/friends that is of the money system that is designed on Good and bad People and that requires good and bad people to exist the way as it does now for it to function – realizing that I blindly took on the role of the bad character that would end up working in mines or on the streets doing all the shit jobs because I have accepted and allowed myself as shit, realizing that this is exactly what the system wants because who else would do the shit jobs unless there are people that judge themselves as shit/bad and thus the system deliberately make/create good and bad to serve the system on both ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as good or bad in s world that is based on money and not real value as LIFE where all is equal in fact and where good and bad is that of simply doing what is best for all life and not defined according to social and intellectual levels designed only to make profit in the name of self interest and the abuse of life, realizing that I have labelled myself as being bad for not complying to a system that Abuses LIFE, because I did not “fit in” or met the standards that was required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a system of abuse towards LIFE and to actually feel bad about myself for it. Realizing it is not to now not comply and suddenly be BAD, as that is also what the system wants as it is simply a part of the system that forces the rest into being good and never seeing the abuse as a example will be made of me then as being bad within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad due to how I was treated by those that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad according to the words and the manners that was used on and towards me by those that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what those that has gone before me in their behaviours and words as facts and real and thus it must be who I am and what I am. Realizing that me accepting that is making it so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up from this character of “I am always bad” and to take a self honest self movement walk and stand for LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD it against myself that I was judged as bad in the past and to make it so and part of my future and to within this feel insecure and less than and in valid and not worthy and full of self hatred and resentment and so act it out or trying to make it better through being a good guy that still always mess up, as the fear of being bad is the driving force of each finger and each word -- and thus it is but all a pretense and a lie and not real but characters upon characters playing their roles to avoid being bad, yet only the bad prevails, realizing that this is not the solutions as the hatred grows and the resentment grow, but that to take self responsibility for myself is the first and only step I must take and walk

TO BE CONTINUED ON THE PARTS BELOW – with self forgiveness.

This Character activates around people that I have placed in my mind as “authority” and as better than me – as people that always do better.

So when I am for instance working and doing my stuff and a person comes in that I have placed in my mind as authority and they say something I freeze inside myself and I literally stop breathing, I am in complete anticipation of getting yelled at or being told how bad I am or that I am doing something wrong, this character is so intense that I will literally do “Nothing wrong” for months and when someone comes to me and say something that I have judged as authority in my mind – I will within myself stop and beam all of me into the mind – like taking on battle positions.

Then I will in quantum time check the “past/memories” to see what I did wrong and what this person possible can/will take out on me now, and I will not find anything, and then as the mind I will even go as far as Believing that it must have happened when I wasn’t aware or conscience, which is kind of impossible – like I did something where I got possessed and came back and do not remember anything – this is the mind as Fear looking at all possible scenarios to be ready to defend/justify/reason/fight.

So breathing all day surely has shown me the real points to work with, actual physical living characters/patters instead of daily mind bubbling pre-occupying thoughts as distractions – I am not saying Ignore and suppress the thoughts and do not Self forgive them, always Self forgive for any and all thoughts, I am simply saying the main points open up for me.

Also within breathing all day more consistently I have had lots of pains in my legs, especially in my Knees and shins and my movement was compromised at times and I had to slow down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the self judgment of being Bad, realizing within living as the self judgment of being bad I am always in search of doing the right/goof thing as to make up for how I judge myself, realizing that within always wanting to do the good thing I am only confirming the self judgment of myself as being bad.

To be continued on as-well..