Day 637 – 32 words, ANNOYED word 2 - (for Parents)

I am annoyed right now, it is this feeling of just wanting to STOP whatever is annoying me.

The situation right now is, I want to write a blog, it is me in my room with my partner and my 4,5-year-old son. My partner and I are sitting at our computers busy with work, my son is sitting on a cupboard with his rat in a blanket, he is wrapped in the blanket and the rat is running around him on the cupboard, now my son has something he is doing with this blanket around him, how he is wrapping himself in this blanket, he is playing a game. Now, as I am sitting here wanting to write a blog and my wife is sitting at her computer, my son is CONSTANTLY calling out to us to look, I am not exaggerating here, every 5 seconds he says my partners name to look at him so he can show her what he is doing, it is as if his doing is his showing at the same time, Now I have to hear this as well while focussing on my writing, but I just can’t, it is CREEPING into me, this consistent Leila, Leila, Leila, Leila, and my partner does not direct every call, she is also focussed, so he does this till he gets attention, So, now I am also getting annoyed at my partner for not directing it immediately, I do not want to say a thing, because I know I am in reaction, I know my son is calling my partner, so me saying anything would be strange and obvious for what it is, a reaction from me, and I hold myself back when I know I will speak from reaction (sometimes I let one or two slip, this is when I have accepted and allowed the annoyance to become reasonable and motivated by anger to control(to control to hid what??) Then even if you give him attention, then it just continues to the next thing.

While I am now sitting at my computer ready to write my blog, this feeling of annoyance just gets bigger, I breathe and I focus, I breathe and I focus, but it continues, and then this feeling comes up of just wanting to say “””CESAR, ENOUGH!! Please focus on your game for a bit, at least longer than 5 seconds before asking us to look, us looking at you constantly isn’t fun and not part of playing, what is the POINT of us looking at everything you do all the time, you must enjoy your play, us looking does not change anything”””<--al of that is mind reasoning/justification, thus invalid) – I want to STOP this, I want to end it, I want to get rid of it, because I want to get rid of the experience within me, how I experience myself, I HATE the experience within me, it is like something is scratching within me, and I don’t know how to get it out, I don’t know what is it that is scratching within me – all I know is this experience of annoyance.

So, now it is time to scratch this open myself, time to slow down and go within, and see within what is here. I am literally doing this live so to say, as it happens right now. Thanks to my wife that is now granting me the time to have the time to do this as she is now with our son, talking about why the rat does not have babies, and that there is a man rat needed and so on.

Not having things as I WANT it to be – so how do I want to have things? I am asking this question because it is in direct conflict with my reality and within myself and what I have to work with, which means, I am looking for the RIGHT circumstances for me to not have to face or deal with me and what is hidden behind the annoyance, my past, were I can just relax and believe that nothing is wrong, there is nothing within me to deal with. These circumstances would mean I have to live completely alone, away from other people, away from people and animals and any responsibilities that is more than me, this means I would have to literally just have me and my life, and care about what I do next, where I go next and nothing else must exist within my reality that might ever come into my space. This will be the best setup for my MIND to have, to never deal with my annoyance, where annoyance is obviously just the cover-up for something else within me, annoyance is like the bodyguards defending what is behind the annoyance.

I see that I needed some extra information on this word to really go deeper, as I need more words to give me a key to go through the door, and I have found this just now on Google, which makes a ton of sense and really opens up another door for me into understanding annoyance, this scratching within me.

Definition - Middle English (in the sense ‘be hateful to’): from Old French anoier (verb), anoi (noun), based on Latin in odio in the phrase mihi in odio est ‘it is hateful to me’

Now, since I got that definition and also more of the root of the word, I immediately connected to the “it is hateful to me” here I interpreted it in the way that I am annoyed at things that I BELIEVE are hateful TOWARDS me, so I have this defence mechanism within me where anything in my reality that I perceive as being hateful towards me, which is like being deliberate towards me, to harm me, to teas me, to take advantage of me – I go into annoyance to charge myself up, to then generate this energy within me to build up a defence force to defend me against what  am currently perceiving as being an attack on me deliberately, to spite me, to cripple me.

Let me now show what I see with the event that took place and how this new perspective on the word opened up quite a nice and clear understanding for me to NEXT time when I get annoyed to stop myself, to then remind myself to LOOK for where am I perceiving and accessing a BELIEF that whatever is happening is deliberate, an attack on me in a spiteful way to kind of diminish me and make me react, when in fact it isn’t, it is me accessing past memories, as past experiences where I had situations that carried similar setups and are now projecting it onto my reality in the current moment so I can relax, breathe and realize that NO ONE is deliberately attacking me to be spiteful or nasty or doing something to me to harm me and being hateful towards me in an indirect way.

So, before the annoyance started with my son saying Leila, Leila, Leila the whole time to get her attention, we told him that we need some time now to get to some of our things, so he understood that and that we will not be able to sit with him and play with him, as we will need to be busy to get certain things done. So, now after communicating this to our son, he gets on with playing on his own, but he starts calling out my partners name the whole time to now LOOK at how he is paying and what he is doing, which is still now taking our time and not granting us the moment to get to our things. This is where I then Take it as a deliberate attack on me/us, I perceive it as my son now taking advantage of the fact that he can simply call our names and get our attention anyway through us looking, but not having to actually play with him, and this is what then scratches within me, that he is playing us, taking advantage and being deliberate in sort of “outsmarting us, like he is saying, hahaha, you don’t want to play with me, sit with me, then I will still take your time but in a different “annoying” way. Maybe then you will give in and anyway come play with me and stop what you are doing.

What happened is (occording to my perception still) – we communicated with him that we will not be able to play with him, by being with him, and will be busy on our PC’s – we did not say anything about - we will also not be able to give you attention though looking at everything you do as we will be focussed on writing and checking assignments and so on, so even if you call our names out for an hour, we will not be able to look as we will be focussed, unless it is an emergency or something urgent, then we will.

So, the annoyance is with ME 100%, as I did not communicate effectively with my son, I did not take the time to lay it out for him (as he does understand what we are saying) I wasn’t specific, and neither did I actually communicate with my partner about what she meant with needing time, with what she is okay with, so my son did Call out for my partner, as she only said to him, not playing with him, but she didn’t say anything about speaking, so he spoke to her, I, on the other hand, assumed that all of it meant, he must be quiet as well to a certain extent to let us focus (not like totally quiet, he can scream and so forth – I am referring to him wanting our specific focus the whole time) here I see that I am also not on the same page with my partner with what is she okay with when she needs to focus, as we both have different levels of focus, I need some serious quiet time, and she does not so much (I assume again lol).

Solution – when and as I am experiencing Annoyance, I remind myself of the new deeper definition of the word I have discovered of – it is hateful to me” where I have changed it to ‘ it is hateful towards me” as I then can access where am I accessing the belief/perception/assumption and experience of what is happening to me currently is hateful towards me from the other individual or the situation/circumstances” to then check where in my reality have I not communicated and aligned myself with my reality within the specific point I am finding myself experiencing “annoyance” within – to then sort out the assumptions I am functioning within myself and my reality, to then according to the feedback I get realign my communications/movement to be more specific and in detail to be that which is in consideration of all involved.

It is like when I was about eleven years old, and my older cousins pinned me down and tickled me, I assumed they would stop after I ask, but they didn’t, they contused till I could not breathe, till I peed my pants, this created an experience of someone being hatful towards me, deliberate harm that did not start out as harm, so now whenever something takes place where I am being tickled, I get annoyed to be able to get angry, build up that energy to be able to then take on control mode, to take on a stance of fury and to destroy this thing I interpret as some hidden deliberate harm.

Day 636 - Tense Jaw and Bad teeth within my process

Who would have thought there could ever be a connection between a tense jaw and bad teeth? Well, I am going to share my own personal experience with my tense jaw and my bad teeth (yes bad teeth, breaking, chipping and just not strong). As always I will also share what I have uncovered with the tense jaw point.

When I started to become a “man” and my jawline started developing and became visible to the ladies, I got some comments that my jawline is great. I also saw the older guys who had jawlines that were visible that they got more attention, and some of them just looked tough/hard and thus was respected.

I remember I started focussing on popping out my jawline more by making my jaw tense, this I did though biting down on my back teeth, kind of like letting my teeth hold onto each other real tight. This allowed for my jaw muscles to pop out and be more visible, to be more pronounced.

I remember specifically when there was a male type of moment of competition or challenge sub-consciously going on, where I would specifically focus on popping out my jaw muscles to look tougher, to look like a man that is hard, like my jaw can take a punch, this game was played out for a long time during my school years, and there were ample opportunities to play this jaw popping game.

Besides the male ego challenge point, for the ladies, I would basically keep it popped all the time, as to show a little something manly.

Playing this jaw popping game meant I had to place a lot of pressure on my teeth for many years and within this, I also had to not just bite down on my teeth to pop the jaw muscles, but I also had to grind on my teeth to move it. It was NO different than how bodybuilders compete, you have to pop the muscles and move them, show them, those actions in themselves are stressful on the jaw and teeth.

NOW, after reading that we have to take a step back and look at WHY oh why did I participate within that construct to be a man, to be seen as hard and tough and having something manly or nice, like a sculpture. The answer goes a bit deeper, it goes to an insecure point within myself that has two sides to it, where this one point was an outlet for these two points.

The first point is, I felt insecure within my environment as a man that can handle the other men, to compete and to not lose, and thus to not be bullied, to not be harmed, this placed a LOT of stress on me specifically in the line of survival – Biting on my teeth and grinding my teeth was an outlet, and also participating within the manly construct and winning sometimes made me feel more relaxed and thus I could release some stress, I felt safe and secure, unless I lost. So I already taught myself that tightening my jaw and biting on my teeth was a great way to deal with stress in relation to survival.

The other dimension is even deeper and this one goes way back to the point where it eventually led to me feeling insecure and playing this game and participating in this construct. This goes back to when I was young when I was still just a child, and this point of when I was still a child is still now playing out as it is now obvious since I stopped the male ego game of jaw popping.

I cannot pinpoint the exact age and what happened when I was young, but I know it is ancient this point, and all I can do is explain how I experience it right now, the design is right or wrong, where I am mostly living in the anticipation/stress of doing the wrong thing, doing something for what I will be shouted at, or get spanked for (again survival). I am always in this state of “fuck I did it again”, I am doing something wrong, I am in someone’s books not doing things the right way, and I am probably going to hear about it later or in some form or another.

I have a great example of today, where there was an accident. I was wearing slip on shoes to go walk in the field, I knew my partner was going to wear these shoes later on, so I went out to walk in the fields, within this I noticed the whole fields were wet and there were lots of puddles of water everywhere, and so the WHOLE time I was walking with the clenched and stressed jaw around, in the anticipation that I am going to do something wrong with these shoes, and so it happened, I stepped in a puddle of water and the shoes got all wet inside. After that, my jaws and teeth were so tight against each other that even after making myself aware of it, breathing and relaxing them, it took two seconds and there it was back to how it was, it has become so normal for my body to just have my jaw tense and my teeth grinding and biting down.

That is but one example, now take that and place it throughout an entire day, all day, all the time, with anything I do. That is the state my jaw is in, and the pressure my teeth is under. It feels like I am constantly under camera surveillance and god is watching, and god is fucking ready to tell me what I did wrong and that I am and will never do the right thing.

The imagery I have is of me as a child literally playing with my toys in fear of even playing wrong with them, and getting punished for playing with my toys, never mind playing wrong with them, so I am a child that simply does not play with his toys because of fear of playing wrong with them, even though no one ever came to me and said, you are playing WRONG with your toys, it came from other parts I feel in my reality as a child, the impression and signature I feel within me is that of I can only do wrong.

The Jaw is a fascinating design. By just having my jaw muscles tight I am clamping down my teeth, and within this grinding them, placing incredible pressure on my back teeth, and within that, I am tensing and tightening the muscles around my jaw that leads to pain and stiffness, I also form mini headaches because of the constant tension. It does not stop there, it now goes to food, not wanting to spend time eating or taking food in with my mouth, and throughout the years from all the jaw clenching and grinding I have made my teeth sensitive, so eating solid food becomes an annoyance. It can also be painful sometimes, especially if a piece of the tooth has broken off. This overall effects my health, my body, everything, so the jaw really has a lot of power. so here we see how I play out this point/illusion of strength and how the physical is showing me the consequences of being weakened.

I have written about this point many times, but not specific as I am now in mentioning the points. Previously I took on the topics of Stress, anxiety, the bad boy character and so forth. This time I am going straight to the physical, the signs and designs and seeing what is here.

I am a very HIGH energy person (according to previous input from others), as I was referred to in my younger days, I was FULL of energy and excitement. I used to LOVE anything that had to do with adrenaline, I always thought it was a damn good thing, people enjoy it, and I deceived myself mostly with telling myself that me being that way is me being ALIVE and living. I fooled myself as I could never really see where and what the energy really was, I cloaked it as positive when in fact it was negative. This high energy was me not knowing how to deal with stress/anxiety and kind of me rebelling against it, which only, in the end, enforced it, as we can not really do anything "right" when we are in high energy, mistakes and accidents are bound to happen, and thus reinforcing the belief that nothing I do can ever be right. a vicious cycle.

Since I started applying the Desteni tools of breathing, slowing down and becoming aware of me here as the physical, as my body, dealing with the points that exist within me, I have stopped this point of seeking adrenaline, of being in high energy to a certain extent. I say certain extent because it gets reactivated each time something happens, something takes place and then it feels like I am dealing with this point all over again, just when I thought now I can be a monk walking in calm and breathing, something happens and I am right at square one, another dimension opened up at this point.

And here is where the two points of the childhood experiences and the jaw popping experiences come into play. When a situation/event takes place, may it be a big once in a life time thing, or a thing that can occur on a daily basis where I feel my survival is on the line (jawLINE) – I activate the JAW popping game of making myself feel strong in a moment where I belief I am to weak to actually do the "right" things, as the experience of myself is that of weakness, the weakness I am experiencing is that I feel I cannot make the right decision ever, so I have to be strong to make the wrong decision regardless and live with it regardless of the feedback I get from others, and to deal with others I have to be strong, I have to be able to stand for the sake of my survival.

So, while my jaw and face may look strong on the outside, on the inside my teeth and my mouth and my jaw muscles are weak and suffering. It is by the very actions of wanting to be strong or put forth a strong sense of self that I am weakening myself, as taking on this strong character that always does everything wrong I am reinforcing the belief that I am weak, and no matter what I do always make the wrong decisions.

It is like being a sponge, and believing that by putting a stone on top of yourself and squishing yourself flat so that only the stone is visible will suddenly make you the stone, just because you aren’t seen or visible, but in the meantime that pressure of the stone is destroying the sponge, you.

For an immediate correction of this jaw clenching point and releasing pressure from my teeth, I have been focussing a lot on relaxing my entire face, it is a consistent focus and awareness to do this, as it takes two seconds and I am back into the old habit, I also support myself by placing my tongue against the roof of my mouth and keeping it there in awareness. I do feel a LOT of other points being challenged within this relaxing of my entire face, I have to multi-task and correcting points within myself as energies I am holding onto, to let them go and to stop certain ways of looking at life through facial expressions that are automatic. 

To be continued.

Day 635 – 32 words, ARTICULATE part 1

Articulate - Having or showing the ability to speak fluently and coherently.

Coherently - (with reference to an argument, theory, or policy) in a logical and consistent way.
In a way that forms a unified whole.

To articulate myself, to express myself in a fluent, consistent way where my words as sentences forms a unified whole. The art of I/Me to place into words what I see within Me, one and equal.

I am basically only now familiarizing myself with this word. I have heard it before, a few times in my life, Each time I have heard of this word it was more in the sense of being a weakness of mine, I had to each time ask, what does this word mean? Someone would tell me, explain to me. I have found that I had a misalignment with this word within me each time.

The first misalignment I had within this word within me was that I believe that I must be intellectual to be articulate. This isn’t the case, as to be articulate within expressing myself, I simply have to slow Way down, look within me, see what is here within me before I speak on a certain point or matter, or respond to someone, but most important how I communicate with myself, and to within that kind of “sort” through the information/words to find the words that I do have and to place them in the best possible way to express to me/others what I see in words/sentences.

The weakness comes in where I RUSH, where I go into EMOTION/REACTION to speak either to myself or to others, within these moments as a reaction I scramble EVERYTHING within me, all information, and so the form the information takes is that of emotion, a mess of energy and words. I lose the sequence within me, or I lose the ability to place everything in a sequence as what I see.

My biggest challenge has always been to articulate myself in everything I see within me within what I am doing, or why I did certain things, or how I even think about things – how I process information within me.

This has been a challenge for me because of a certain believe that I have within myself that is the approach, the drive for HOW I articulate myself.

The Believe that SCRAMBLES the information within me comes from the belief that No one is hearing me or will hear me. Within this I go into the energetic experience of rushing to say what I want to say, to get it out, even if it is all mixed up and wrong, as long as I get to say this thing/point and get it out there. Within this approach I go into energy each and every time, I then go into reaction as fear, fear of not being heard.

When I take this back to myself as the origin of this point. I can see that I have played this out many times in my life, more than I count, where I go into this fear of not being heard (thus fear of not being taken serious, being taken into consideration) and now I need to look at how am I not articulating myself to myself, how I communicate to myself.

I am looking at this point right now – I see that I rush everything with myself, I do not give myself the time and space to actually sit down and to look at information, or to get more information if needed, to have a sequence, to have a unified whole in what I am looking at within myself to understand myself, and thus to work better with ME as who I am, I have LOST value within myself, I have come to see myself as not worthy to spend the time and efforts on me.

I have slight memories coming up where I am a child, where I wasn’t given moments to express me and to develop the proper words to express me. I see myself surrounded by adults that saw me as less, and what I had to express was simply a fleet of a moment of a child that has nothing important to share, I am just this child that wants to distract and take time from the adults, my observations, stories and experiences I wanted to share wasn’t important, the adults gave me maybe 50% of their attention, then they had to be busy again, get back to what they were doing. I was left with this experience, not knowing what to do with it. To adjust myself to the behaviour of the adults, I had to RUSH myself, I had to quickly share something to be heard or to get direction, I would now rather share through speaking quickly, I would become emotional and try my best to simply get it out.

This didn’t have an effect much, as the adults just gave a nob, a quick answer, they confirmed to me that they have given me a fleeting moment of their time with a smile and a word, not any real support, no clarifying and no understanding, no actual participation.

Through this over time I started giving up on sharing my stories, sharing my experiences and to articulate them openly and making it known, I did not develop an effective way of articulating within me the information as the feedback was limited to adjust and enhance myself. I started following the Emotions, where I acted on how I feel instead, how I reacted, I started trusting the energy within me how to move and direct myself, what to say and how.

This over time has given me the classification of being spontaneous in my actions, and random, it inspired people, I was given praise for being spontaneous, being random and at times even given a label of being charismatic, because everything I did and do comes from emotion/feeling, no actual structure, no unified holistic approach where everything I do makes sense, as I could never make sense of anything really. I had to follow what I feel and how I feel things and somehow through my actions express that as it was here.

I do see that it is a strong point, and why so many enjoyed me being that way, but deep down there was actually a cry for structure, for direction, for something stable to build on, which would have been the ability to articulate, to take the information I have and to place it in a sequence, where things could have steps, and outcomes that could have been planned better and where I could actually have had the ability to make sense of what’s going on in me and not assume everything as emotion, as fear, as stress and anxiety.

I see and realize that I must focus on forming the information within me in a way where I can make sense of it, where it is practical, common sense and best for all, thus me, where I can actually apply and LIVE this word within everything I do, to stop and forgive the energy that I have become addicted to, to move myself as, I have come to TRUST the energy/emotions and feelings as I have never lived articulate. My life has been very inconsistent within me, which is chaos and no plausible change that can be shown in a consistent way, even when I have the change, that change is also just a mess within me and thus I find myself unable to share it.

It was actually on the point of me wanting to SHARE myself more in videos and blogs on all the things I have faced, walked and changed and I realized I had this bloc, this energy that keeps coming up, that throws me way off and whatever I wanted to share never really came through, and I always referred in my blogs and vlogs to the point of being spontaneous and charismatic. This left me disappointed and feeling incomplete after each blog of vlog, as I knew it could have been powerful, but instead it ended up being this blob of energy.

I started this 32 words challenge as I see this will be good for me to start applying the word articulate within myself with each word that is within the list I have created. To express and share me within it.

I will do what I usually do not do, I will spend the TIME to write each blog, to give me the opportunity, and google, to google the words.