Day 253 – The Trap of Who I am Every Day Part 2 – I am Fear



Continuing - from Day 252 – The Trap of Who I Am Every Day.

Knowing is useless, applying is the key.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have used FEAR in my life to create a red light within me to stop me from doing certain things or from facing certain things and to only keep me trapped within my mind as all the reasons/justifications I have attached to each and every fear I have and why I have it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I use fear as a way to manipulate and control myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I use fear to deceive myself within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a way to control and manipulate myself into doing certain things or to not doing certain things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to direct me as a energy experience that scares me, where I scare myself. Instead of using common sense and self honesty within the principal of what is best for all life in all ways that never requires fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify all the fear I have created within me through space and time within past experiences stored as memories within my body as JUST who I am and thus cannot change it, seeing and realizing that it is JUST a JUSTification, as all justification is just a fiction of the mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to always follow fear no matter what it is or I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that all I fear losing is the fear itself and that I will then realize that the fear was never real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself t fear losing all the fear I have within the fear of what I already know being confirmed – that all the fear isn’t real and just made up in my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that the fear i have existed as all my life to not be real, seeing and realizing that I have thus created myself as fear all my life and that what I actually fear losing is myself as I have built and created myself through space and time on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself within the realization that all I have ever known as myself was my fear and that i will not know who I will be without the fear, seeing and realizing that stopping the fear also means that now I have to make the decisions and not rely on pre-programmed fear to direct me as a energy that i give power to scare me into making certain decisions.

Ok so here I am making cool discovery, I have and am still only ever made decisions from fear, so I have have defined myself and built my characters and thus my entire personality on fear, so if I remove the fear as the foundation then all of me that I have defined as me through all my life will be revealed as not real, as it has always only been fear – so who the fuck am I then if not FEAR.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my foundations of who i am currently is built from fear, seeing and realizing that if I remove the fear than I will suddenly not have ALL those limitations and moralities and all the shit I have always hated about myself any more and that I then have to make actual real decisions for myself in each moment that is one hundred percent me deciding it all and thus I am then self responsible for everything all the time in awareness of it all, which is the part I am scared of. You know, removing the whole ignorance is bliss point, where I use fear to be apparently ignorant to always be able to say, I was scared as something that is again apparently justifiable.

To be continued.

Day 252 – The Trap of Who I am Every Day.



I have seen and realize this point over and over and over, and yet I haven’t changed it at all, the Fear is simply too great to change it.

What am I talking about? Every day I assume a Character that I expect everyone wants to see of me, I assume that this is the only character that is acceptable by everyone around me, I have played this character every day of my life for so long because I have thus far been “save” with this Character.
This Character I am talking about is the Character that I always put on in front of other people, I even wear it when I am alone in my room in the fear that if someone else comes in they will see me without my mask, but I have done this for so long now that I have forgotten that I am wearing a mask/character.

I know I have to take the mask/character off and I have to really get rid of it, and not to only bring out that what I am trying to hide, that isn’t the point, I have done my self-forgiveness, I have placed my commitments and I have realized myself in many ways, but now I have to actually LIVE these commitments as that which is best for all LIFE.

This is where the scary part comes in – I do not know what to find underneath the mask, I do not know who I will be once I stop playing this character – or to be more clear on the point, I do know what to expect from me – that is why I fear taking it all, because I know once I take off the mask, once I stop the character I will change not just me, But I will change everyone and everything around me.

This is what I fear – what will happen when I stop pretending the character, what will happen once I stop putting on the masks that has been keeping me save.

I know who I can be, I know what I must do as that which is best for all life, But this Idea/belief that i have of myself as this Gian character that I play every day is so integrated into my actions/movements and my words and my habits and behaviors that I seem to just not to be able to stop it in time and to change.

Why can’t I stop it in time? there is FEAR, the fear gives it all away, the fear directs it all, the fear is the fucker that wins every time, the fear is what makes the shit in my head seem so fucking real that i act on it without considering a thing, the Fear that i give all my power to is doing exactly what fear does, it keeps me in my box called the mind.

Why is there fear? I know that there is a extremely very thin line between change and no change, all it requires is that one tiny step over the line to the other side and then there is no stopping the consequences of that, so I actually fear the consequences of change, and I am not here connecting consequences to a negative emotion, consequences is simply the outflow of your actions, it can either be best for all life or not, it isn’t judged as good or bad, it is what it is to bring about a world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the correction that is required of me to set myself free from and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear that I give power to every time when that moment is here of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I break the chains of fear that I give power to through participating within the mind that makes it seem so real within all the future projections and ideas and beliefs I create from and as the fear that might happen if I break the chains to direct me and to keep me enslaved to the fear as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself into the unknown of breaking the chains of fear and that i will support myself effectively with whatever happens and come my way if it is either good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that breaking the chains of fear and acting within the best interest of all life as myself, that it must either be a good or a bad consequential outflow that occurs, instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I act within the best interest of all life that the outflow of my actions can always only be best for all life no matter how it seems to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the chains of fear as it is all I have ever known and even come to trust, trusting the fear and the chains and that these chains are keeping me save, when in fact they are keeping me enslaved and limited and in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when i take that one step that is always too late to take back that i will not be able to follow through and fall, seeing and realizing that this is what the fear wants me to fear to keep me in fear LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief and make all the justifications/reasons that come up why not to change that comes from fear to be valid and real and that I must stick to them with good reason, seeing and realizing that this good reason is to only keep the fear alive while I die and burn in the fear slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that fear can and will never be an excuse for why I did not do what is best for all life in all ways and why I did not stand up in the moments that I saw I had to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I am within each moment is decided by me and that if and when I give fear permission to be who I am that is exactly who i will be, seeing and realizing that I am the only one that can decide in every moment/breathe to not live and exist as fear and to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that who i am everyday in the face of others is who i am have to remain to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the character of who I am daily through blindly believing that it is all I can ever be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the trap of who i am daily is not the same as who i am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the character I am everyday just to be save from facing msyelf and standing a life and what is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change who i am daily that everyone else is sued to that I will only face negative consequences, not seeing and realizing that the change that takes place must be self honest in each breathe to what is here in consideration of others here walking their processes, and thus accordingly I act within the best interest of all and not within the self interest of only changing myself just for the sake of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change from the starting point of not having to face myself anymore as the fear, seeing and realizing that the fear will always be here till I stand one and equal as it and not to separate myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and idea about change and that it must be dramatic and life changing like a bomb going off, seeing and realizing that the change I am talking about as self change to that which is best for all life is a living change where I become the example and not where I now change and go an bash other people and suddenly being all different as that isn’t how it works in terms of best for all life as it will only serve my self interest of wanting change for the sake of change instead of real change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will say and do once they notice change within me as a living example.

To be continued.




Day 251 – The Death of My Horse Part 9 – The Journey to Life





Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from this part – “Seeing and realizing that as I live as Fear as who I am that all I will and can do as Fear and self interest is create and manifest my own fears, through constantly trying to dominate and control life in fear of Life being alive lol, because that has been judged as being bad and out of control.”

Ok so I am going to apply self forgiveness on all the fear points I faced daily with Titan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Losing control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear losing control of other Beings and that they might hurt me then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt if and when I lose control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I ever had control, seeing and realizing that the control I thought I had was always only a attempt and not in fact control as it is impossible to control another being as it always require their agreement first to seem like control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not control things outside of me that they will always be a threat to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other beings as always being a threat to me, seeing and realizing that within this I act out in my behavior to control and dominate which is abusive and not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being dominated and controlled by other beings, as being their bitch and having to do whatever they ask/want, thus seeing and realizing how I always attempt to do this first to other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being another beings bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as another beings bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to work with another being and to within this fear first control and dominate the other being to force the being into working with me, never considering to simply communicate and create equal agreements to walk together, and to within this destroy relationships through always first built the foundations of the relationships on fear through control and dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not have control over another being that the other being will take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not have control that I will be abused and misused by other beings, seeing and realizing how Titan showed me that within this fear all I did was create my fear onto other beings and abuse them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear something Bigger than me such as a horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to fear something when and as it is bigger than me, seeing and realizing that it is to understand and work with and not to control and dominate as that will lead to abuse and consequences and in the end in fact manifest the fears.

To be continued.

Day 250 – The Death Of My Horse Part 8 – The Journey to Life


Me and Titan in 2009 February been with Titan for about 2 months almost



Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from this Part.

Quote: “because this system and world is so big all I have ever done was trying to dominate and control to try and prevent this death I fear. “

So continuing from the point where I had this general fear around Titan. every time I was with him this fear would already be the reaction towards something else existent within me, it was always to protect self interest.

I would for instance have a thought where I see myself getting hurt, or I would Fear that Titan would not work with me and that I would Lose control, or where I see Titan taking chances with me and that I am not in control.

These type of thoughts would come up and then I would react, the reaction as a negative experience would be interpreted as Fear, and thus I create fear/anxiety within me.

But looking at what started it as the Thoughts I can see within the understanding that Thoughts come from Memories which is from Past experiences, and since Titan was my first horse and this fear and the thoughts were already here I had to look deeper into where does these thoughts come from, what memories. Because Titan was pushing these buttons of mine every day – Showing me what is existing within me and that I need to sort that out.

So I can see within looking into my past as a child How Adults was the Bigger Beings, just like Titan, and that the Adults has superior strength and everything over me, and that the Adults used this to their advantage to control and dominate me as a child, so that I do not step out of line, or so that I do not cause anything and so that everything can always just be okay all the time, and the Adults did all of this from the starting point of Fear as they were taught from those before them.

So I learned that I had to always be in control and dominate anything or anyone I can to remain in control, because losing control was shown and connected to be BAD and not good and to be dominated and controlled wasn’t nice, that’s what I experienced as the child being controlled and dominated.

So here is my Childhood experience all over again, a Bigger Being Titan as representing the adult of when I was a child that Can dominate and control me, which I have connected as BAD and negative and that I don’t want to feel small and stupid again.

So I constantly wanted and attempted and did control and Dominate Titan in this fear of it being done onto me, when the solution is obvious – it is to work together as equals in terms of what is here in and as the physical within practicality and common sense, this does not require control and dominating, it requires communication and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to control and dominate other life forms in the fear of that they might do so to me if I do not do it first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to control and dominate other life forms out of the fear that it will be done onto me if I do not do it first is stupidity and evil as I am saying it is okay if it happens to others but not be yet I fully understand how if feels and that it isn’t nice and can and will lead to abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if and when I live to control and dominate that I will never actually Live life within self honesty as that which is best for all life but that I will always only be trapped within my own fears and trying to prevent them and call that living life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to control and dominate other beings from the starting point of fear and self interest will only create fearful and self interest driven beings as that is what I am living and showing them all the time within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I all I have ever done within living in the anticipation of my fears is creating the past from which my fears were born in the present and that I am in fact creating and manifesting them within who I am as that determines what I do.

Seeing and realizing that as I live as Fear as who I am that all I will and can do as Fear and self interest is create and manifest my own fears, through constantly trying to dominate and control life in fear of Life being alive lol, because that has been judged as being bad and out of control.

To be Continued.



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