Within this blog, I want to clarify that I am sharing the
points Bernard supported me in as to give back, to share so that the reader can
get the story, the events and flow of things as I did to a degree.
This isn’t
to say Bernard is special or that I am holding onto anything. I am being honest
within this sharing that I did NOT get to where I am, who I am and what I have
learned and how by my own. Giving credit where it must be given, otherwise I am
misleading people and praising myself. The consequences for that is something
unnecessary.
I owe most of everything I have faced and learned and
changed within to Bernard, from my relationship with my partner and everything
that entails, to who I am and understanding common sense, self-honesty and
LIFE.
Continuing to the Final chapter now.
Previously “This occurred and continued throughout my life
over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything.
From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and
everything. “read the previous one here - http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard_18.html
On the Farm (Desteni farm), at many points in time there
were lots of people here, from 15 to 30 people at a time, people visiting from
all over the world. With many visitors that came to visit, many interesting and
really cool and deep discussions took place, some of them were shattering and
intense, some were very personal for individuals and others were fun and pretty
cool.
But, what would I know. Most of the time I was outside
working, building something somewhere or doing some maintenance work. Bernard
Made sure I was up every morning at 6am, or when the birds started singing, he
would sing outside my room (not really singing) but make noise and call out my
name over and over, till I got up, he would specifically say Giantjie,
giantjie, ARE YOU AWAKE, and I would miserably wake up with not having enough
sleep. As I go outside my room looking like I am waking up with a hangover,
Bernard would say BREATH, and then he would say to me, Be HERE, no need to wake
up, be awake. I would try that but yhea….. Then he would push me to get things
done, he would start with asking, are you finishing these rooms today(we were
building rooms for a while) or something else, I would say well not today, but
we are getting there. But the point is, Bernard made sure I got to things and
needed to be done on the Farm.
The visitors didn’t have to work as I did, they helped and
worked together in specific things, but me, LJ and Fidelis had to do things
every day and had responsibilities to keep things functioning and moving on a
Farm.
So, Bernard had any chats with people and he also had quit
some intense moments with people, these things would occur in the kitchen when
people were there together or in the lounge or on the porch, But I always
missed out, sometimes I would walk in halfway through the discussions, and stay
for a while just to hear something, or to pick up on something, or to get some
cool information I could use. But I was just a little bit too late.
I would hear from Leila or someone else what Bernard just
now shared with everyone something on these points, or those points, or Bernard
did some Tarot card readings for people, or he just explained the universe to
people or someone lol. I would always feel like I missed something out, all the
discussions, all the chats, as I was just outside doing work, building or
maintenance stuff most of my time.
Here, I faced a different dimension of Fear of missing out.
In my first post on fear of missing out I basically say it all, but I am
sharing something deeper here, how I physically had to change my behaviors, my
actions to actually stop the fear of missing out, to see who I am without participating
within those actions, those behaviors.
In 2013, this point was pushed for me, within me one more
time from Bernard just before the time he died. On a day, like any other,
Bernard was planning to have a get together with everyone on the farm that
night to have a nice chat/talk about some very important points, they involved
peoples individual peoples process points and direction and also opening up
more dimensions within existence and what’s at play.
I was all day curious and looking forward to this get
together, as I was expecting something big, I was hoping to hear about
something about me, my process and my direction, where Bernard gives on
guidance, or a brutal self-honesty check. As the evening approached us all
more, Bernard made his way through the farm on a slow passed walk, and he came
to our house, where I was standing in the garden. He was telling people to get
ready and go down in the meantime. Then he said to me, you must stay here and
look after the dogs, they cannot be left alone, plus you need to deal with this
fear of missing out, so you will now miss out… That part, where he mentions the
fear of missing out hit home, I knew I had the fear the moment he said I need
to stay and look after the dogs.
What Bernard said to me made perfect sense, I agreed with a
massive resistance, as I really did not want to stay with the dogs, I wanted to
be IN, I wanted to hear what’s happening at the meeting, I do not want to miss
something cool that could be shared with me or about me. Everyone has gone to
the get together, and I just stood in the garden, trying to listen and hear
what is being said from far away, but the distance was just enough that all I could
hear was mumbling and every time everyone started laughing at once.
Hours went by, and the get together was still going on, I
heard all the talking and conversations in the mumbling form I received them, I
sat outside paranoid and frustrated. It got late and I knew I wasn’t going to
get feedback from anyone tonight, I went to bed to get some sleep, instead of
just sitting there and trying to hear something. I already anticipated that the
next day I will get feedback from Leila and others on what was said, and what
happened, but it will be second hand as my judgement goes.
The following morning, as I woke up and others were awake, I
went to Leila to ask her what happened as that was a long get together. Now I wanted
to fish out anything important, or if anything was said about me, or if there
are some cool new dimensions that opened up I should know about. Her first
words to me was, nothing much, but there was this point on characters that
opened up.
I already felt the pain of what I have missed according to
my perception. Then in that moment what Bernard told me, that I need to work
with this point of fear of missing out, came to me, and I within myself decided
that I don’t care what happened, what I missed out or not, and I made this I don’t
care not to not care for me, but in fact a decision to care about me, and to
stop caring for the mind and the fears. I also had a realization in that moment
that I am walking in this believe that I am less than, I am weak and useless,
that I am vulnerable, that I am not good enough, that I need all the knowledge
and information in the world before I can ever be ready to trust myself,
instead of trusting myself.
I then took it upon myself to MISS out as much as possible
where I knew I was going to go for something or someone just because of a
curiosity to find something, and I started living HERE direct with what is
here, it was challenging, as I stopped making everything personal to me what is
said or done, and I started trusting that I am okay, even if I had to live in a
dark cage and all I ever could hear from this dark cage was mumbling from the
outside and never being able to reach it, I have to be able to be here still,
to breathe and focus on me, trust me, even if something is said about me or
not, it does not define me, I define me in every moment and if I use any and
all information I get and hear to define me, than I am fucked. As I have proven
already how I fuck myself up with what I hear or do not hear, about me or that
involves me, may it be fear, survival, money, relationships.
I am tired of seeking drama, seeking a story, seeking things
that create bullshit and participating within it, defining myself this way is
torture, living according to the information I receive if torture, as nothing
is ever practical or common sense then, it is all emotion based, fear based and
personality based, nothing real, just chasing illusions and creating more illusions,
I am missing reality in fact.
