Within this blog, I want to clarify that I am sharing the points Bernard supported me in as to give back, to share so that the reader can get the story, the events and flow of things as I did to a degree.
This isn’t to say Bernard is special or that I am holding onto anything. I am being honest within this sharing that I did NOT get to where I am, who I am and what I have learned and how by my own. Giving credit where it must be given, otherwise I am misleading people and praising myself. The consequences for that is something unnecessary.
I owe most of everything I have faced and learned and changed within to Bernard, from my relationship with my partner and everything that entails, to who I am and understanding common sense, self-honesty and LIFE.
Continuing to the Final chapter now.
Previously “This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. “read the previous one here - http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard_18.html
On the Farm (Desteni farm), at many points in time there were lots of people here, from 15 to 30 people at a time, people visiting from all over the world. With many visitors that came to visit, many interesting and really cool and deep discussions took place, some of them were shattering and intense, some were very personal for individuals and others were fun and pretty cool.
But, what would I know. Most of the time I was outside working, building something somewhere or doing some maintenance work. Bernard Made sure I was up every morning at 6am, or when the birds started singing, he would sing outside my room (not really singing) but make noise and call out my name over and over, till I got up, he would specifically say Giantjie, giantjie, ARE YOU AWAKE, and I would miserably wake up with not having enough sleep. As I go outside my room looking like I am waking up with a hangover, Bernard would say BREATH, and then he would say to me, Be HERE, no need to wake up, be awake. I would try that but yhea….. Then he would push me to get things done, he would start with asking, are you finishing these rooms today(we were building rooms for a while) or something else, I would say well not today, but we are getting there. But the point is, Bernard made sure I got to things and needed to be done on the Farm.
The visitors didn’t have to work as I did, they helped and worked together in specific things, but me, LJ and Fidelis had to do things every day and had responsibilities to keep things functioning and moving on a Farm.
So, Bernard had any chats with people and he also had quit some intense moments with people, these things would occur in the kitchen when people were there together or in the lounge or on the porch, But I always missed out, sometimes I would walk in halfway through the discussions, and stay for a while just to hear something, or to pick up on something, or to get some cool information I could use. But I was just a little bit too late.
I would hear from Leila or someone else what Bernard just now shared with everyone something on these points, or those points, or Bernard did some Tarot card readings for people, or he just explained the universe to people or someone lol. I would always feel like I missed something out, all the discussions, all the chats, as I was just outside doing work, building or maintenance stuff most of my time.
Here, I faced a different dimension of Fear of missing out. In my first post on fear of missing out I basically say it all, but I am sharing something deeper here, how I physically had to change my behaviors, my actions to actually stop the fear of missing out, to see who I am without participating within those actions, those behaviors.
In 2013, this point was pushed for me, within me one more time from Bernard just before the time he died. On a day, like any other, Bernard was planning to have a get together with everyone on the farm that night to have a nice chat/talk about some very important points, they involved peoples individual peoples process points and direction and also opening up more dimensions within existence and what’s at play.
I was all day curious and looking forward to this get together, as I was expecting something big, I was hoping to hear about something about me, my process and my direction, where Bernard gives on guidance, or a brutal self-honesty check. As the evening approached us all more, Bernard made his way through the farm on a slow passed walk, and he came to our house, where I was standing in the garden. He was telling people to get ready and go down in the meantime. Then he said to me, you must stay here and look after the dogs, they cannot be left alone, plus you need to deal with this fear of missing out, so you will now miss out… That part, where he mentions the fear of missing out hit home, I knew I had the fear the moment he said I need to stay and look after the dogs.
What Bernard said to me made perfect sense, I agreed with a massive resistance, as I really did not want to stay with the dogs, I wanted to be IN, I wanted to hear what’s happening at the meeting, I do not want to miss something cool that could be shared with me or about me. Everyone has gone to the get together, and I just stood in the garden, trying to listen and hear what is being said from far away, but the distance was just enough that all I could hear was mumbling and every time everyone started laughing at once.
Hours went by, and the get together was still going on, I heard all the talking and conversations in the mumbling form I received them, I sat outside paranoid and frustrated. It got late and I knew I wasn’t going to get feedback from anyone tonight, I went to bed to get some sleep, instead of just sitting there and trying to hear something. I already anticipated that the next day I will get feedback from Leila and others on what was said, and what happened, but it will be second hand as my judgement goes.
The following morning, as I woke up and others were awake, I went to Leila to ask her what happened as that was a long get together. Now I wanted to fish out anything important, or if anything was said about me, or if there are some cool new dimensions that opened up I should know about. Her first words to me was, nothing much, but there was this point on characters that opened up.
I already felt the pain of what I have missed according to my perception. Then in that moment what Bernard told me, that I need to work with this point of fear of missing out, came to me, and I within myself decided that I don’t care what happened, what I missed out or not, and I made this I don’t care not to not care for me, but in fact a decision to care about me, and to stop caring for the mind and the fears. I also had a realization in that moment that I am walking in this believe that I am less than, I am weak and useless, that I am vulnerable, that I am not good enough, that I need all the knowledge and information in the world before I can ever be ready to trust myself, instead of trusting myself.
I then took it upon myself to MISS out as much as possible where I knew I was going to go for something or someone just because of a curiosity to find something, and I started living HERE direct with what is here, it was challenging, as I stopped making everything personal to me what is said or done, and I started trusting that I am okay, even if I had to live in a dark cage and all I ever could hear from this dark cage was mumbling from the outside and never being able to reach it, I have to be able to be here still, to breathe and focus on me, trust me, even if something is said about me or not, it does not define me, I define me in every moment and if I use any and all information I get and hear to define me, than I am fucked. As I have proven already how I fuck myself up with what I hear or do not hear, about me or that involves me, may it be fear, survival, money, relationships.
I am tired of seeking drama, seeking a story, seeking things that create bullshit and participating within it, defining myself this way is torture, living according to the information I receive if torture, as nothing is ever practical or common sense then, it is all emotion based, fear based and personality based, nothing real, just chasing illusions and creating more illusions, I am missing reality in fact.