Day 175 – My room never stays Clean!! Part 1

Every weekend on Saturdays and Sundays I clean my room – I sweep and I mop, I pick up a shit load of cloths from the floor and replace the bedding and I do the laundry, remove all the dishes and I wash them and I pack all the random stuff away and clean my desk and I do the parrot cages such as cleaning them, and I make my room neat and tidy so that it is practical to walk and live in. And after I am done I look at the room and I like it, it works, then Monday comes, and within one or two days it looks exactly the same again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I clean the room to have back chat within my mind of how dirty the room is, making statements within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comment on the dirtiness of my room within my mind to myself, instead of seeing within myself what actions I have taken within not being here as breathe as awareness to create a dirty/messy room, using the commenting as justification and blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that cleaning the room is useless as it will just look the same again as all messy and crap everywhere in a matter of two days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that the room can never stay clean and in “order” that works practically at all times, and within this acceptance not correcting myself in my actions that prevent the room from being a fucking mess again and not seeing and realizing that is it what I accept and allow within myself as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the room gets as messy and dirty within two days because of Patterns that I and my partner follow and do not correct and thus simply creating the same thing over and over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept such patterns as normal and harmless, not considering the consequences of daily living such as finding socks or looking for my jacket for ten minutes and not finding certain tools which waists time and only creates frustration and anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see all the cloths laying on the floor get mad as the basket is literally two meters away, not seeing and relating that I am only mad at myself from not taking that one second that one breathe that it did require in the moment to be effective and here in awareness as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself mad within participating within wants/needs/desires of how the room must look like in my mind and in reality it isn’t how it looks like and so get mad and to within this act out as not giving a shit till the weekend and not breathe and perfecting my every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I clean the room have a picture Idea within and as my mind of what the room must look like for it to be classified as being clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that it is not to achieve a picture Idea of what clean is, but to keep it practical and in consideration of all that has to come into my room and live within my room, such as parrots living in my room and they will chew on anything the can, and thus when I leave a jacket on the floor and they chew off the zip then I cannot get mad as I was/am existing in the mind where I did not within y actions consider all that is here such as placing my jacket in my closet and preventing costing myself more money to fix the jacket and from me reacting and getting angry as myself and projecting it onto the parrot as being stupid when in fact I am the responsible being that should have used my ability to respond before nay consequences in the best interest of all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see my Dirty room react with anger and being mad at myself with the back chat of “fuck me it is the same again, I Told myself it would be different this time and it isn’t” and to within that reaction not consider how I am re-creating a dirty room the whole time over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what is within my room and how it looks and how I take care of it is a reflection of who I am, showing me that who I currently am is still as the mind as I am living in the mind during my day where I disregard the physical such as my room and thus when I enter my room and take off my socks or jacket that I simply through it on the floor or over a chair, and that this also shows me how I respect myself as the things I wear that currently support me within this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my room is a reflection of my mind as my mind is living in my room, seeing and realizing that when and as I live in breathe in each moment I will consider the physical and not the mind as energy and thus throw my socks in the laundry basket or hang my jacket up or take my dishes back to the kitchen and wash it and throw the paper/rubbish in the bins as I will within and as breathe realize that it take only one breathe to do one more action that is best for all life, and that the mind will only live in the moment based on how one feels and thus act accordingly such as I want my socks off and that is it and throw them on the floor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that change start within myself and at home and so once change is sufficient and effective within self and at home change as the world will follow, and as my room is but a small extension of who I am and how I live in my room and thus reflecting my effectiveness and application as Breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I enter my room go into a state of mind that it is now my space and I can do what I want, not considering that even if it is my space I have to take care of my space as I would like others to take care of my space if they had to one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and consider that my room is a reflection of Who I am, and not as a picture but as a physical consideration of all points of myself as who I am determines what I do.

To be continued.

Day 174 – Postponing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have something to do such as replying to an email that I just got, to within my mind think “ I will attend this email later with a proper reply” as a justification to why I am not breathing and doing immediately just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I receive an email to postpone the email within using the justification of “ I will attend this email later with a proper reply” just because I do not feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I receive an email to postpone the email just because I do not feel like it right now and to within this forget about the email and later on when I am reminded of the email again have the justification of “ It is to late now I will respond to the email tomorrow as there is still enough time” .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I postpone the first time that I have accepted and allowed within myself to see it as justifiable to postpone the email again and again and that my justification will seem only reasonable within and a my mind to fit how I feel, not considering everyone equally involved within the email and how it will affect them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to not be able to immediately act and direct a point in the moment through postponement and where I tend to forget as the justifications become more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that postponing my emails is but one point that is visible within my world, and that this one point is only showing me that I am accepting and allowing it to exist within all areas of my life as self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within postponing things within my life through dragging it out and causing more stress and anxiety within myself through holding onto one point all day and for even many day that i must still get to it and that never get to it and thus create more thoughts and feeling that I am slipping away from the point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I get an email and reply to the email through breathing and being here that it is over and done and the point is directed and that is the end of the story.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I create extra tension and stress for myself through postponement and how I PILE things up in my life where something become neglected and comes back to kick me in the ass with consequences that I have to face and walk that takes even more time and effort, where it could have only been a few minutes long if I did not postpone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make postponement acceptable within and as me, not seeing and realizing that I am not just postponing myself, I am in fact postponing everything that it effects and LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acting in the moment and to within the fear rather postpone till I feel ready, not seeing and realizing that depending on how I feel can take up to a billion years, and thus it is to move and direct myself in and as breathe here and get it done and to prevent any consequences that is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things dependent on how I feel, not seeing and realizing that if I rely on a feeling to move and direct me that I will and might never get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow postponement within and as me and for me to be directed by how I feel that I am accepting and allowing it within others, not seeing and realizing that consequences of my actions and others, as I see that what if a doctor had to do surgery and me and he suddenly feels like not doing it and postpones rather – how would I like that?

I commit myself to when and as I see myself postponing to consider any and all outflows that is possible within my actions and to within that make a decision to direct and move myself that is not based on a feeling or fear or insecurity but to move and direct myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Day 173 – The Hulk in me.

Why do I enjoy the movie the Hulk?

When I investigate the point I see a specific energy within me that I connect to the movie when I watch it, this energy is power a feeling of being indestructible, and I enjoy seeing the hulk getting all powerful and strong and being able to do things that physically is impossible, and a power that isnt physically possible is unique and makes the hulk indestructible, bullets cant hurt him, bombs cant hurt him, nothing can hurt him and he just gets stronger and breaks free and keeps on fighting.

So here I investigate the point within myself of the fear of getting hurt, as the hulk is the complete polarity of this fear, and this is why I enjoy the hulk movie – he can simply become the hulk and not get hurt.

So this is the main point that motivates the other points to exist such as wanting to be indestructible and seeking power and being strong and to want to do things that is physically impossible for others as a way of feeling secured with myself.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Fear of getting hurt to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting physically hurt by other people/animals/objects/forces from outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fear of getting hurt to generate energy within and as me as a force of anger that I can use when and as I feel threatened and to unleashes the anger as a way of dominating with strength and power, not seeing and realizing that within this I harm others based on how I feel and not what is in fact here, as the fear of being harmed is created within and as my mind within irrational thoughts/backchat that I create and the act upon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Hulk feeling within myself where I generate energy within and as me to feel/belief and give myself the illusion that I have a hidden power within me that I can use at any time that I feel threatened by another and defend myself, not seeing and realizing that such a feeling/belief is an illusion and not how reality as the physical in fact works and that I am only setting myself up for abuse/harm if I act on this illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I feel as an energy within and as me isn’t strength as the physical, but an illusion of who I desire and want to be within and as the mind, and that when and as I act out this illusion from the mind within and as the physical as I feel threatened but others such and acting it out such as starting a fight, that I will Harm myself and set myself up for manifesting my own fear of getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge within the idea/illusion of myself within and as my mind as being able and capable of doing things like the Hulk just because I have a self righteous feeling of anger within me that I feel can explode, not seeing and realizing that it is just a feeling and not real, and thus if I act put on the feeling that isn’t in consideration of how things in fact physically work, I will abuse myself and only harm myself and hurt myself as I attempt to act out the mind energy within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself that what I see in a movie can be made real in life in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to gain physical strength as the hulk to be able to fight and defend myself when I feel threatened and to be able to harm other first before they can harm me, not seeing and realizing that within my actions as such that I am the only one harming and being the harm to myself as I physically harm others for something that exists within my mind as my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be super strong such as the hulk to be able to go against physical laws and to be able to be special and not to be fucked with by others, seeing and realizing that within such desires I am only confirming my fears and for them to exist and control my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of getting hurt seek power at any cost to prevent any harm to come to me as my own self interest, not seeing and realizing that this is the behavior of all humans in the world currently where everyone is fighting and trying to prevent any harm to come to them even if it means creating wars and killing billions of other people and destroying wildlife just because they seem dangerous and end up destroying the whole planet and harming everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of getting hurt harm others first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I give the fear of getting hurt attention through my actions that I am giving permission for others to do so as well and for the current world to keep existing as it does, thus realizing it is to prevent harm but not from the starting point of fear, to prevent harm for self from the starting point of common sense which will allow one to see how other and all life is currently harmed and thus instead of harming others first before self gets harmed to stop and look at a solution that is best for all life in all ways where no life is harmed and no one has to ever be harmed to not harm such as the Equal Money System solution.

Day 172 – giving Courage to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I lack courage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define courage as something that has to be done that is always life threatening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that courage is is to push through and breathe and to move self where self never thought self could go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that self change would not require me to push through and that I must give to myself the courage to push through.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am less then courage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that for me to must have courage to push through point means that I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that courage is something I am born with, seeing and realizing that courage is what I give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear courage as I belief that when courage is required that there is a point of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that courage is when I am faced with myself at a point of change as that which is best for all life where I have to make the decision to birth myself as Life and to walk the decision.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give courage to myself within walking my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give courage to myself within walking this process of absolute self change as that which is best for all life in all ways within the understanding that what I am doing is against all my programming and limitations and fears and to stop them all and that is has never been done and that this will require courage to breathe and move and direct myself through points physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am faced with a point and it is to easy and that I did not have to give myself the courage to breathe and push through the point, that I have in fact not walked the point as myself entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that doing things with courage means it will be easy, seeing and realizing that courage is when one has made the decision no matter what and to walk it and to face what ever might come as self and breathe and to always do what is best for all life.

I commit myself to give to myself the courage to walk my process of re-birthing myself as life and to instead of turning a blind eye or walking away to stand and to breathe and face who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and to walk the point in and as breathe and to rebirth myself as life as that which is best for all life.

Day 171 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 3 Final.

Day 169 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 1

Day 170 – Anticipating Walking my Horse Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of anticipation to exist within and as me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe and make the experience real within me of expectation when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that anything I experience within myself while walking my horse is real, seeing and realizing that what I am experiencing within me while walking my horse is in contradiction to the reality of what is here and thus only self sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within believing that the experience of expectation is real within me when and as I walk my horse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage my Breathe and stability through accepting and allowing any thought within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself thought accepting and allowing a thought to continue within and as me and to give it attention and energy build up through back chat and thus create an experience within my body that only sabotage myself from what is here in fact as reality as what I experience is always in contradiction to what is here and thus giving away my ability to respond and instead become reactive where my actions is that of survival and within self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Follow thoughts within the belief of that they are real – seeing and realizing that all my life I have only followed thoughts and to trust thought even if they are always wrong and to within this realize that thoughts are in fact not real and CAN be Stopped in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create memories out of events from which I create thought and thus connect positive or negative to these thought and to within this create characters and experiences that become automatic within my behavior and to define myself according to the past events/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I experience something such as anticipation with walking my horse that It means I must define myself as the experience through the reasoning of “because I experienced it, it must be who I am” not seeing and realizing that The experience is NOT who I am as reality shows me that what I experience is never what is here in reality and thus can not be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Validate experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I Divine myself according to an experience that is enslavement and FUCK myself within it as I make myself subject to experiences instead of Breathing here as the physical where I can move and direct myself freely as breath as that which is best for all LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel powerless within stopping any and all experiences I exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a negative energy charge of that I will never be able to stop the general FEAR that I exist as that is always keeping me as the limited me that I have always known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my horse and the dog is only amplifying with sound the general experience of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as, as a slave to fear/stress/anxiety/anticipation and to never step beyond and live and Be here as Breathe as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the animals are supporting and assisting me within my process within birthing myself as life as that which is best for all life, and that I have blamed them for my experiences not seeing and realizing that they are only showing me who I have become as a slave to the mind as experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I first accept any experience as who I am that I will always allow it, and thus it is to stop the acceptance and to breathe and bring myself here as breathe and to always realize that experience isnt real at ALL ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall fr the trap of how I experience myself must be who I am, not seeing and realizing that I am in that moment making it so, instead of breathing and realizing myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear and experiences as ways to not take self responsibility yet I hate experiencing myself as fear and experiences where I am controlled by them and thus I see and realize that I have to decide within myself to take full responsibility and Breathe and to stop the MIND and stop mining my body for energy to create experiences I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that experiences are set in stone and thus I see and realize that it is just a belief and that I an in and as breathe release myself from the chains of these experiences and realize myself as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breathe as a way to not experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the wanting to stop any and all experiences from the starting point of not having to experience what I have accepted nd allowed as self abuse.

I commit myself to when and as I am within an experience to Breathe and look at who I am within stopping the experience and to clear myself of any starting point that is within self interest and to breathe and stop and change the starting point to that which is best for all life as who I am as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I have and experience within me of fear/anxiety/stress/anticipation to realize that it is NEVER real and to give myself breathe instead as LIFE as that which is best for all life.
I commit myself to when and as I am feeling “stuck” and “trapped” within and experience to realize it is NEVER real and that it is okay to let go of it and Breathe.

I commit myself to see and realize that any and all experiences are NOT real when and as I face walking with my horse and or any other situation/moment in my life and that I can let the experience GO and to hold onto any experience is but self sabotage in fact and not WHO I am in and as the physical as life.

I commit myself to STOP myself when and as I see that I am going into an experience and to Breathe and to realize in Fact that any experience isnt real and now who I am, as any and all experiences is of the past from memories and thus not who I have to be in the present as I define who I am in each Moment through what I accept and allow, and to instead give myself BREATH and rebirth myself as Life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself giving any or all thoughts acceptance to stop and realize that i am accepting them and thus giving them permission to direct and control me unless I STOP and breath instead.

I commit myself to Give breathe a chance as I see and realize that all my live I have only given thoughts/experiences chances and it has only led to suffering and pain and shit upon shit and where I experience most of my life as FEAR and stress and anticipation of abuse, and thus To breath.

I commit myself to stop justifying thoughts and experiences through using external influences as to why I am experiencing myself the way I do and to take self responsibility as Breath as that which is best for all life.

Day 170 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 2 Self forgiveness.

Read Day 169 – Anticipation Walking my Horse Part 1 to get the whole picture and to see where the Sf comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we reach the fence line where the dog is at to have the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” and to then go into the back chat of “the god damn dog barks every day”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the thought come up within me of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” to go into the back chat of ““the god damn dog barks every day” to divert the attention of the fear existing within and as me of the thought towards the dog being the fault/cause for my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as we take the horses to the neighbors farm and we get to the fence line where the dog barks to go into thoughts about the dog and what the dog will do and what can happen and to then react and create fear within and as me and to then participate within back chat as a response to the though that keeps generating fear/anxiety/stress within me of what Might happen – Instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I accept and allow the thought of “seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger ” to come up within me and to NOT stop it that I am giving fear and reactions permission to direct me as the thought contains the past experience as the memory stored within me that I now relive/re-create in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what will happen when we walk the horses at the fence line of the neighbors farm where the dog barks and storms up to the horses, seeing and realizing that anticipation is when and as I have given a thought and back chat permission to Possess me as energy, and thus I become jumpy and reactive within myself and towards my horse which gives my horse the signal that something is wrong when there isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that anticipation is a state of where I am constantly projecting a thought that generates fear/stress/Anxiety of what might happen or not and thus I am already experiencing the even within myself of what might happen as the fear becoming true, seeing and realizing it is to stop such a thought through realizing that it is NOT real and to breathe and be here as breathe and to deal with what ever happens in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that I must have a thought of what Might happen when and as we walk at the fence line where the dog barks to Prepare myself and to prevent what might happen, seeing and realizing that to prevent anything from happening I must first stop my own inner delusions based on fear and then to focus on the physical and practically deal with the point instead as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the thought I have of ““seeing the dog already braking at the horses and the horses freaking out and becoming a danger” is me accessing fight or flight mode and that this Possession I take on will be seen by my horse and thus he will also go into fight or flight mode and become a even greater danger that what it might be if something were to happen, as fight or flight mode is purely self interest and survival and not in consideration of what is here and how to deal with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When and as the Horses freaked out the first time we crossed the neighbors fence line where the dog strikes to have judged the scenario as Bad and as negative and to within this have created a desire of what I prefer to experience as Calm and no problem and no hassles – and thus not seeing and realizing that as I have created a Positive Idea of what I want to experience instead I have created Fear towards experiencing the negative and that this now creates friction within me of what is happening in reality towards what I desire in my mind, and so stress myself out in fear of facing reality, instead of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desired play-out within my mind of what I want to experience when walking by the neighbors fence where the dog barks that is literally in conflict with what in fact happens, and thus creating thoughts/anticipation/fear of the negative as the not desired experience and only making it worse when and as it happens where I react and get angry and just want to Control everything in fear of not having my desired experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Just before we go to horses in the morning, to already have the thought of “ Seeing the dog barking at the horses and anything can happen” and to have the back chat of : Ah Oh man The dog again” and to within this create the rest of my morning where we walk the horses in a negative energy as anxiety/fear/stress towards that moment I have already projected in my mind happening and to Physically posture and act in ways towards my horse and others in a polarity mood as being positive and stable and ready for anything as a way of attempting Manipulating myself and to suppress the stress/fear/anxiety I have for that moment to come – instead of seeing and realizing that when and as I have that first thought in the morning, to forgive myself and to STOP the thought that will stop all of the other out flows as thoughts/backchat/fear/anticipation and to BREATH and be here and work with what is here practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear what Horses can do to me when and as they get a fright.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the dog for barking every-time when we walk by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am only angry at the dog for barking because of how I am reacting and experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am angry at myself for feeling powerless to stop the dog from barking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger toward the dog as Blaming the dog for how I experience myself in that moment as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time the dog barks have the back chat of “ I knew the dog was going to bark today” as a way of Justifying why I did not stop that first thought in the morning and why I had all the fear/stress and as a way to confirm my anticipation, seeing and realizing how this keeps the cycle going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my horse when and as he reacts and where he tries to run off or run over me due to the back chat I have about my horse while I walk him as him being stupid and silly and ridiculous for reacting and being afraid of the dog, not seeing and realizing that I am actually saying that to myself as I am the one being ridiculous/stupid/silly for reacting and being afraid of the dog and to then as my horse freak out to Take it ALL out on him as a way to not to have to look at myself and who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Place my Fear as my horse, so that when and as something happens as we pass the neighbors farm and the dog barks to be able to Blame the horse for How I reacted.

To be continued.

Day 169 – Anticipation walking my Horse Part 1

For the last couple of months we here at the farm have been taking our horses to one of our neighbors farms where there is lots of green grass that they can eat, while our fields have a rest and can get some growth going.

Going to our neighbor’s farm requires us to take our horses out of our farm and into a “wild” zone, which is a space where there is open road. It is fine taking the horses in the wild zone as they are quite cool walking with us and there is a agreement between us all.

When we approach the Neighbors farm there is just this one little point that I face every day, this is when we get to the fence where we have to walk our horses as it is the only option, there is a dog, now she barks every single day.

This dog does not simply Bark and bark and bark, OH NO!! She is REALLY specific; I haven’t seen a dog that specific. In the beginning she only barked, the horse had Frights and was alarmed and jumpy and we calmed them down, over a couple of days the dog realized she cannot frighten the horses or us anymore through regular barking.

So she became clever, really clever – it is like a fucking scary Movie sometimes – the dog has learned how to SCARE the horses and the Humans using her environment.

On the fence where we have to walk with the horses there are bushes growing over and in-between the fence, to create a bush wall so you cannot see the house so to say, and along size this fence on the other side there is a lot of dead leaves from these trees/bushes – Now the dog has learned that she must not be visible once we come to the neighbors farm and once the first horse or the second horse has entered the fence line with the bushes trees in/over it she starts Running!!! Really fast and very quiet, sometimes you can hear a panting, but hardly, and then you suddenly hear these dead leaves cracking and moving and this very aggressive growl Barking straight at the horse next to the fence, sometimes even hitting the fence.

If you know horses – they are Big and they scare easily for anything “new” and they go into fight or flight mode quite quick – it is their natural behavior so to say, if they had to live in nature and a lion was stalking them and attacked, they require force and speed to get away quickly and/or a way to quickly attack.

So the first time this dog did this, the sneaky way! My Horse and a couple of other horses got big frights. Titan my horse the first time, Bolted forward and as I tightened my grip on the lead he turned around and then reared halfway up, then he was in Fight or Flight MODE – this is where they are Blind and deaf to your words and only concerned about themselves, it is dangerous, they breath really deeply and suddenly stand as tall as they can, it looks as if Horse can double their size suddenly in the fight or flight mode.

I had a Rush of adrenaline/energy/anxiety/fear/excitement/stress/concern fuck whatever you name it within me in that moment and afterwards only fear of what can happen, I breathed and calmed myself down first, it was almost instantly and then I got Titan next to me and it was fine. I was still a bit shaky from the energetic experience; I knew I was going to have to look at this point within myself.
So for the next couple of Weeks probably most of the time we go there, this Dog does this every time, she makes it seem like she isn’t there and that it will not happen today and that everything will be fine BAM!! She hits us.

I have created a lot of anticipation within myself since the first day it happened in fear of what Might happen, Titan gets away on the open road with a lead on and break his neck, or he just runs away and gets hit by a truck, who knows, Or he runs me over and break my back or my leg or he rears up and cracks open my skull. There are so many possibilities.

The Dog has had months now to get used to us, and She has – and that is why she is still coming after us, we still react and have energy and backchat and all this inner bullshit within us while we walk there and because of that she/the dog is getting a kick out of it to see us react. Because we are creating it lol.
How do I know this – after a couple of months there I have worked and breathed and Self forgive myself while walking on the points and I have actually stopped the anticipation many times, there is a very fine line between having the anticipation and not, it takes one thought.

Now your horse can SEE that one thought/energy reacting in/on your body and the horse which is following You will act as the leader act and React as well/Still after a couple of months – so everyone was supposed to already have gotten used to everyone but it seems we haven’t. so this is where I started questioning myself.

Here is how I got to this point – many times when I walked by the fence now I am completely breathing and calm and not even thinking or anything of the dog I am direct here walking with my horse – and when that dog comes, which you never expect – me and Titan/horse are not reacting at all and we just walk.

But this does not always happen even if I am calm, Titan has had many scares and me to, but I take one breath and direct and Titan follows immediately, it is like he forgets he had to survive and just breathe with me and walk on because I was assertive and trusted myself and did not follow ANY energy , and yes we are a group, and in the group there are many people and thus many horses, so when the person/horse in the back react or in the front or me it will have a chain reaction.

And today I saw something– I have been thinking that I was the one walking my horse and helping him work through his reaction of the dog and his fear and that I was being stable for him only.

I was wrong – because today the dog came at me and Titan and I did not even hear the panting or the leaves, the dog just barged right into the fence with this demon growling and then barking, and my horse was as solid as a brick, he did not move – I on the other hand was bending my head down with my right arm lifted up towards my horse and my arm was moved up and down in motions as to block my hose that wasn’t even blinking from running onto/over me LOL.

So I saw in that moment myself and how sad it was, I said thank you to Titan for being stable and showing me that I was in the mind participating in future fear/projection and creating energy/anticipation within me and that I was making the fear HIM. While I was the one with the fear acting out while I presented myself to him all the time as being more and being the “human” the stable one and being superior – I was just lying to myself and blamed Titan just not to look at who the fuck I am and that it is NEVER personal unless the Human makes it so. The horse won’t.

To be continued.