Day 468 – Part 2 What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

Continuing from previous Blog - Day 467 - What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

"From previous Blog: Yet with every breathe I take there is a reaction, the reaction sets off motion’s within me, these motions become emotions, motions of energy, the moment of content is lost and the breathing is shallow and has no flow. The essence of the present as self as the here is now everywhere undirected, following an irrational influence of some energy brought up by a single thought, a single memory bred from the past and brought into the present only to contaminate the moment, the simplicity of living has now been made complicated."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow the slightest reaction/s within me as normal and that I just have to live with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the reaction/s that come up within me and to within this fighting have an outcome of win or lose, where I end up losing as the fighting only creates more energy and thus more reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see any reaction that comes up within me as separate from me, and thus give away my authority to direct and to within this accept and allow the reaction within me to contaminate my direction.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be at peace with the reaction and to within this work with the reaction as myself to deal with the reaction when the reaction is here/presented in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the reaction that is within me, and to within this have a reaction upon a reaction that simply does not stop.

I forgive myself for that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have been approaching facing my reaction from the starting point of trying, seeing and realizing that trying is a construct of “I don’t really want to” – and thus within this not actually doing anything but just pretending to look like I am doing something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my self-honesty from myself and to within this react towards everything I have to do and face in reality, even though the reaction isn’t visible it is slight, like a candle burning in the far distance, as the reaction is showing my self-dishonesty – where I am hiding what I know about myself and to live the opposite of the self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my self-honesty in each and every moment, and to fear my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self-honesty and to question my self-honesty from the starting point of morality and to within this walk honesty instead within morality and to within this create friction within myself and my reality and thus a consistent reaction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live anything less than my self- honesty in each and every moment, and to within this accepting and allowing the lesser me of my true potential to move and direct my reality and to within this know I am living in self-dishonesty and so create a consistent reaction within me of what I am doing or not doing and what I am supposed to do or not do and yet not trusting my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my self-honesty and to live my self-honesty and to apply myself within self-honesty as I know I should yet I do the morality magic trick in the believe that it is the right way of deceiving others through morality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself, to fear who I know I can be in my full/true potential and to hold back because of the morality that I have within me and through what I am judging reality and living within this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within believing that morality exist and for me to follow morality within this world through living honestly in others eyes is but me deceiving myself, never being self-honest with myself and what is here and to instead attempt/TRY to find a way around reality through making all my actions that of trying instead of doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone living my full and utmost potential in every breath within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do without self-honesty and to hide my self-honesty and to not work with my self-honesty and to instead take the path of trying/attempting to live within the limitations of my own mind set out by my own morality within my own mind. Instead of sticking to reality and what is here taking all into consideration and not just myself.

To be really honest with myself, I can see that when I am honest with myself in each moment that I have a reaction or where I am facing a fear or where I am anxious or where I am finding a limitation within myself or reality, that the real truth that I am hiding from myself through the TRYING character is that in reality I personally do not have a fear or anxiety or stress or a limitation for what is ahead of me, it is what OTHERS will perceive of me that I believe will care so I MAKE myself have this anxiety/reaction/stress within me through the trying character – because if you look at it, the trying character is designed to create energy/friction and thus to have emotional problems, where the doing living being has none of that, and that is the self-honest being, the being that is here – and that is what I self honestly will do/see in those moments – DOING it, breathing and directing reality.

So now I must come back to reality, I have now in self-dishonesty created this character of trying and I have designed many systems around it and I have lived this trying character into all my behaviors and patterns for the sake of others seeing me living, which ends up back to self with the point of self-interest, it is self-interest that cares what others think about self, for the sake of self-survival and comforts and not having to face reality, the reality of things, not the opposite, just reality.

So the trying character is a character whose role is that of self-enslavement,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way in self-interest that I am attempting to serve all other humans interest of what I believe is expected from me to be a good and obedient citizen that remains enslaved and controlled by the mind just like everyone else, and to within this never step out of character, and just like placing a shock collar around a dogs neck for whenever the dog is DOING something he isn’t supposed to do according to the moralities/believes that humans has placed – I have placed a trying character within me to create a consistent reaction within me to SHOCK me whenever I am DOING something that according to MY own morality/beliefs from society is seen as not right to stop me from DOING and to scare me back into just trying and attempting – terrorizing myself with my own mind to stay in my place.
Starting specifics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone with a lot of confidence is seen as arrogant and having a big ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people with a lot of confidence as being arrogant and having a big ego, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people with high confidence as being arrogant and having a big ego and to within this create a point of morality within me of what is accepted and allowed from me within society placed by my own judgment.

To be continued.

Day 467 – What have I been doing, while trying to reach my true potential?

I realized more self investigation is required, more self honesty within this point of doing and stop trying, this is my self honest self investigation.

Take note – this blog is written out as a point of exposing the mind, the thinking and the thoughts/back-chat, it is not written with corrections yet, so the information within here is revealing the deception and the self-interest of the mind and exposing the games that is played and how it’s played. The corrections will come in the self-forgiveness to come on each point mentioned in this blog after paragraph two.

Being okay with myself, here breathing the air around me, taking it into my lungs and to then release the air. It is so simple, it is a few actions in the physical that I require to do in awareness in the present in the here. To then move myself from the HERE as breathe while directing myself within my reality one step at a time. It is so simple, the essence of these few actions are that of content.

Yet with every breathe I take there is a reaction, the reaction sets off motion’s within me, these motions become emotions, motions of energy, the moment of content is lost and the breathing is shallow and has no flow. The essence of the present as self as the here is now everywhere undirected, following an irrational influence of some energy brought up by a single thought, a single memory bred from the past and brought into the present only to contaminate the moment, the simplicity of living has now been made complicated.

Every day when I wake up I have this small reaction, it is sitting in my solar plexus, it is undefined. I just excuse it and ignore it, hoping that later in the day I will not have this small reaction within me, hoping that there will be a good experience soon that will change this reaction and make it a different kind of a reaction, a more positive one. So I wake up and I get ready for the day, I immediately go out and I have some coffee and get to my work station.

I ignore the fact of eating because I am within this reaction, this negative reaction, so my body and mind is completely focused on this small reaction that is undefined within me, and I ignore the physical and what is required for my body to function properly and to be taken care of, so I first attempt to do all the right thing according to my mind as soon as possible in the morning, the right thing is to NOT think about myself, but to care only what others think about me, so I must be at work right on time, I must be seen working and I must seem busy with work, and not with personal things like eating and doing stretches and showering, all those things I can do later after I have set my position in the good light with all the people around me.

Yet even when I do this the reaction is still here within me, it is ready to just become something bigger, so all my attempts in the morning to be the GOOD person and do the right things was for naught, but at least I now know that the bad feeling I had hasn’t become worse, so I must have prevented something, so I must keep doing it this way. Now what can the next few thing be that I must do to prevent this bad feeling from possibly becoming something worse – in terms of how I experience myself because that will determine what I think about myself, and what I think about myself will determine what I can do, and will be willing to do.

So now it has been a couple of hours’ later already, I still haven’t eaten and I have had at least five cups of coffee already, and I have been doing all my work, I have checked my emails, I have checked my schedules and I have started calling people and setting up more work for myself, so now that I have done all that, I know I am in the good light and I have done everything I can to not get reactions from anyone else, which can make the bad feeling already within me even worse and make me feel bad and make me feel like shit and that will effect what I think about myself and thus what I do and how I move myself.

So now that it is almost afternoon I can eat something, maybe a small bowl of cereal, but I don’t really feel hungry because this bad feeling is still on my stomach, but I do need to eat as my body is starving, but I don’t feel like eating as my stomach is still full of emotion/reaction.

I eventually eat and move on, but now I feel like there is something I should be doing more – this bad feeling in my stomach is still here, this bad feeling feels like it is warning me the whole day for something very bad that might happen as if today might be the day I face the truth about myself, as if there is something that I do not know about myself and that if I make someone else react towards me or voice themselves towards me that they might just see something about me, or I might just reveal something about myself that I have never known about, so I better do everything possible to prevent others from going there with me, which works against me because this isn’t me doing everything possible to actually live my day to the fullest to reach my true potential and to live each day as if it’s my last, but only to live each day to the fullest to prevent some mysterious fear come to live, so all my actions isn’t to actually accomplish anything but only to prevent ME from feeling bad/worse about myself.