I commit myself to when and as I have a question to ask someone, to stop all back chat and to stop all inner conversations, and to focus on the physical where it simply requires me to speak, and not to think about what can or may happen before the conversation starts, to rather focus on being direct and straight to the point as the physical and to not ad anything extra within my mind.
I commit myself to when and as I want to speak to someone to stop and to breathe and to not give validation to the inner reality as my fear and insecurities.
I commit myself to speak up when and as I see what I have to say is clear and valid, and to not want to speak up because of back-chat or from reaction.
I commit myself to when and as I have a question or if I have to speak to someone that is a authority figure to me within my mind, to stop and to breathe within the realization that it is all in my head and that the fear or insecurities that I am experiencing isn’t real, as all men are equal in and as the flesh and that only the opinions/ideas/beliefs that I and society have given certain definitions to certain people due to their position in this world in relation to money is creating the separation and thus fear within me, and thus it is simply to let breathe and to stop those Ideas/beliefs/opinions within myself to stop the separation and thus stand equal and one as the physical where the physical communication is simple and direct.
I commit myself to push myself to breathe and to approach someone that I have a resistance to approach and to go to them and to Speak up.
I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within fear or reaction when and as I want to have a chat with someone or ask a question, to look at what the fear is or the reaction and to see if the question or conversation I want to have with someone is still valid or not after removing the fear/reaction and to clear myself within of all energy and back chat before I decide if the question/conversation is real or not.
I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within myself participating within self-judgment and self-diminishing patterns to stop and to breathe, to walk up to the person that I want to talk to or ask a question about something and to physically do it rather than validating my self-judgments and self-diminishing patterns.
I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in fear of talking to someone or just to be around them and getting into conversations with them to stop and to breathe and to focus on my breathing, not to suppress or hide what I am experiencing within me, but to breathe through it and to let go and to not hold on and create it and make it real, and to instead focus on what is real such as my breathe and the reality here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I may say when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking without permission from someone that is an authority figure to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the authority when and as I speak without the authority figures permission.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I speak and that what I say is not important.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking someone a question.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone else’s response towards me when and as I speak or ask something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself towards what I want to say or ask of someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a conversation within my head where I already play everything out according to my fears and expectation and to within that already react and have a set way of how the question can sound or come off as and thus have a set way already of how the other person might or will respond according to my own judgments of the other person within my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am already playing out all the possible scenarios within my head of how a conversation can or may go, that such a conversation in my head is totally based only on my own fears and insecurities and thus it is and can never be valid or real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I want to talk/ask a question to someone and I have already decided within my head how the other person will react/respond that it is actually just me sabotaging myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back-chat and internal conversations within my head about and towards another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I want to ask a question or ask for perspective or to simply ask anything or talk about anything with another to create the reactions and answers they will give me already in my head, and thus already creating my question in such a way that it will have the outcome of the reactions/response that I am anticipating, thus creating what I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up within participating within my head within secret conversation as projections of the conversation I want to have before it ever happens and thus already pre-create the outcome through basing the conversations in my head only on my own fears/insecurities and self-interest, seeing and realizing that this way I can only approach the boss or anyone else in fear and anticipation as I have already scared myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I scare myself within participating within back-chat and internal conversations through already in my head playing out all the scenarios I fear or feel insecure about, just before I go into an actual real conversation with someone. as a way or pre-paring myself to protect my self-interest and thus my own limitations, seeing and realizing how scaring myself is part of the fight or flight mode of survival and where I will always put myself back into a position of security, even if it means never moving forward and always just remaining within my limitations that I create for myself within my mind, all made up. Simply to survive, even if it means making myself as little as possible, as good as not existing and just going by, sabotaging myself to protect my own fears as I have come to believe I can trust fear as I have come to believe that fear is keeping me save, et it is the prison I have created for myself in my mind.
To be continued.
I have come to see this pattern a few time now, where I want to speak, say something. but I am waiting till I have the attention of someone first and then speak, or walk away and compromise myself.
When this happens I feel like a little kid, waiting to get the permission of the adults to speak, like I have to put my hand up and only if I am given the right of way may I speak, and if there is no one to give me the right of way to speak I simply walk away or suppress what I wanted to say, and while I wait to get permission to speak I built up anxiety.
I have to look at this a different way, I am anxious before I even go to speak/talk, the anxiety is what keeps me back from simply speaking or making people attentive when I want to say something.
Here is a walk though of an even as such:
I am in need of a bakkie, I need to get a bakkie to go pick up the stuff from the Royal show that is over, I have limited time as the boss wants me back for a meeting, he told me they will wait for me, I have been searching for a car/bakkie to use for almost fifteen minutes, I decide to go to the boss and ask him, my question is short and needs a simple answer for me to go ahead on my task, I locate the boss and go to him, he is busy talking to the manager, I stand right next to them to show that I need their attention, they are talking, they are mostly talking crap, I have something important to ask because my question has purpose. I stand there and I wait, I see they don’t care, they are probably assuming I am simply there to listen to their wise reasoning skills, I don’t want to interFEAR, it is rude, I don’t want to be seen as rude, so I wait a bit more, I wait for the moment they both stop talking, it isn’t happening, time is running out, it is lunch time, I will miss lunch again today. There are people waiting for me at the Show grounds as well, they boss is done talking, I try my luck, I say Boss, I have to go back to the show grounds to pick the rest of the stuff up, what car/bakkie can I use, probably not a new one, he says NO get a second hand one from the back, this will take me another half an hour to do, I say fuck it, that was useless, I go the other manager, he is on the phone as-well, I sit at his desk and wait, this is really getting ridiculous, he is talking to a buddy on the phone, laughing and wasting talk and time, I have something to ask that actually matters, that needs to be done, he keep talking, I wait, I walk up and down and don’t know what to do with myself, he says good bye, I am glad, I ask him if I can use his bakkie, he says wait, where is the bakkie you did use, I say the other guy ran off with it to a client, he says wait till he is back, I think Fuck this, I go and make myself some tea and have biscuits, this is my breakfast I am having at lunch.
The other guy hasn’t shown up yet, It has been twenty minutes, the other guys are still waiting for me at the show grounds, I have the car jumpers that they need to start one of the cars, so they can load them onto a truck and get moving, I am stranded, I also have two guys we hired for the day to help me out waiting on the side, I say fuck this, I find the manager, he is on the phone again, I wait again, I am really getting inpatient, I wait around, he is done talking, I ask him for his bakkie, he asks if the other guy isn’t back yet, I say no, he says ok, here is the keys, I take them and move out, I go with the manager to his bakkie, he gets his lunch out, I climb in and go to the front, I pick up the other two guys as we are ready to go, someone is calling me, they say the boss is looking for you and the girl t the reception, the boss wants you to go fetch his lunch, the girl at the reception wants you to go do Licensing, I say fuck it, I am gone, I am already busy, I drive off.
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