Day 34 - Equal as the bully creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the bully within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as the creator of the bully within me and without through separating myself from it as being better than it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better than my own creation as the creator of the bully within me and with outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I have to take responsibility as the creator of the bully with in me to not separate the bully within or without, instead to stand one and equal as both polarities to be the director of what I accept and allow within myself and without.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I created myself as the bully through what I accepted and allowed with in me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am the creator of the bully within me and to separate myself form my own creation is allowing myself to be subject to it instead of being the director of it as me to stand one and equal as it to not allow anything to direct me as an outside force as I have taken it within and as me as the creator in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others within the believe that they were responsible for me being a bully, realizing that I could only have done and become what I was/am as the bully through creating it as who I am through my own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame family for their behaviors towards me as being bullying and so to use that as a justification for why I bullied other beings, realizing through doing that I am giving all my authority as creator away to outside forces and thus I believe I am not able to stop and change as the creator in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame parents for the way they behaved and treated me in certain events situations where I had an experience within myself that I did not like and so I took it on as who I must be, realizing within this self judgement I created myself as the bully, as I now have defined myself as bad and as a kid that does wrong things and so  I play out and do things to other being that is bad and wrong according to my self judgment as the bully within my own self belief that I have identified myself with through the actions of others, realizing that I could have decided in those moments to change and to not be who I believed I had to be and to instead correct myself and take self responsibility and rather decide who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that family and I was innocent in our actions as no one was actually ever educated in raising children and only has to go on what was don onto them as the sins of the fathers and so I take self responsibility within this as the creator where I decide who I am as that which is best for all life and to live it in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the bully within the idea of shame and regret, realizing that the separation is what keeps the bully alive, as I hide the bully in a closet within me and thus never knows when the bully will come out, realizing that when I stand as the bully within me in oneness and equality I will have no surprises and that I can direct and be self responsible and to live what is best for all life.

I commit myself to stop the separation as the bully within me and to take self responsibility through standing one and equal as the bully as myself so that I am living in awareness of all creations within me and with outside of me so that I am able to be the creator in each moment and to direct and move instead of being directed and moved by feelings/emotion/thoughts

I commit myself to when I see I am separating myself from the bully to breathe and to stand and see why I am separating myself, to then apply myself in writing and self forgiveness to end all fear and separation so that I can stop the abuse of life and instead stand as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I separate myself from the bully that it will go away, realizing that I am actually only allowing more space for the bully to grow and become bigger as I am ignoring it and not dealing with it as the creator in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is easier to just ignore the bully I have created within me, realizing that to follow the easy way will have its price as something else must be sacrificed for it to be easier ad that it will come back with a dept to pay as consequences.

I commit myself to end the separation and take self responsibility as creator so that I am able to stand a the authority and director of myself to not be influenced and harm, to instead be here in breathe as that which is best for all life.

Day 33 - The control Bully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control my fear and reactions instead of dealing with who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as contained fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contain the fear with in me as a way of control, within the believe that as long as I am able to control my contained fear that I am in control, realizing that the fear is in control and thus have side effects such as bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take all the fear that I allow within myself and to bottle it up within myself from the believe that fear is wrong and bad and that I am weak if I show fear - realizing that within the attempt to control the fear within me I am as Who I accept and allow myself to be and to try and control life outside of me within ever moment, realizing this causes me  to live within fear and anticipation and thus I live with in constant reactions and abusive behavioral patterns that is a side effect from holding in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i can control reality and all situations/scenarios - realizing that through time in the past it has been proven and shown to me that I can not control all of reality and that which is outside of me, but that I can only decide outcomes as who I am within situations/scenarios coming up/happening and to accordingly act with in the best interest of all life as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as mind control over myself with in containing fear and play outs on reality - realizing that with in existing as a controlled self I am not allowing myself to deal with points such as fear effectively and thus suppress the point with in control and so create my own limitations and reactions in life as I project and anticipate the contained fear with in me manifesting with outside of me, which leads to external release points such as bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the point of control with in me as a reason/justification for reacting and getting angry when I see other beings aren't controlling themselves as I do, as this is a jealousy point because I see that my fear that I am controlling isn't real and thus I fear the fear isn't real and so want to get angry and impose my fear onto others so that I may feel save and right and in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose my point of self contained fear of life within and as control onto other life forms/beings either through physical abuse or emotional abuse as to feel things are fair, giving reason for why other must fear and feel the same as me even if it isn't real and thus feeling in control, realizing this isn't best for all life or self at all - as what I am imposing onto life as my own control through my actions is creating fear with in other life forms/beings and thus more danger for myself and others and actually creating my own fear through my fear.

I commit myself to breath and to check myself and to see if I am in a manifested pattern of abuse such as imposing my control onto other life/beings though my own fears and insecurities, and to stop through writing and applying self forgiveness and to live the correction as to stop the mind created control and to remain here with in and as the physical with in what is practical and common sense as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to take self responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me as my own fears and to not suppress them or judge them, to walk the points with in writing, self forgiveness and to release myself from the bottled up fears and to stop manifesting a world in fear through control.

Day 32 part 1 - A Bully spawns from Family.

Hard to swallow and to admit, all bullies are created at home, from within the family, it should be quite obvious that bullies can only be created at home, all children spend most of their time learning in their first seven years of their lives at home from parents and older siblings if they have, as the first seven years are the most crucial time's of a child's life, because it is with in the first seven years that a child is decided who he/she will be.

Here is my example through my own experience with being the bully!, when I was 6 years old and still in kinder garden I used to bully certain kids, not all kids, only those that I could see through observation and physical behaviors that I could bully.

I remember there was this one kid that I "enjoyed" bullying, I loved making him cry, I felt a certain level of power. Like I was draining the other kid and taking his energy, I find it fascinating that I knew exactly what to do to this kid to make him cry, this specific kid was very emotional, I could always see it in his eyes and I loved teasing him on an emotional level, for example.

There was a slide on the school yard, all the kids would go on it during break time, I would get to the top and I would allow who ever I chose to go down and give them passage way, when this kid came to the top I would say, NO you can not go, and he would ask me why. Then I would say just because, he would feel shit about himself, then I said, Ok you can go, as he sits down to go down the slide, I start pushing him in the back with my foot, like I was going to push him down really hard and fast, I would say stop, the more he says stop the harder I push till I could feel and see he was feeling powerless, he would then get tears in his yes, not yet crying

Then as he goes down the slide I would jump on and slide with my feet  into his back, like I was being spiteful and nasty to him for going down the slide.

So this was one of my experiences as the bully, I made this kid cry at least a few times a week, it became a habit and I started enjoying it more and more, the bullying stopped when I went to primary school.

So now it is time to investigate the whole scenery here and see for myself what is here with in all of this, I was six years old, I did not have influential friends yet where I could have learned this from, I only had parents and siblings, so the obvious place to start the self honest investigation would be at Home, and how it all happened.

Here is a play out I see happened at home, I used to tease my siblings and my parents would say Gian stop it, I would then stop it and not continue out of the fear of getting punished.

So my next question would be why did I tease my brothers, I was actually daring them through being annoying to them and giving a random kick or irritating them and bothering them and saying stuff to them, and so I see I did that because I was Jealous at my siblings.

Why was I jealous of them?, as I was the middle child I saw my two siblings always as getting all the attention from the parents and they were heard and listened to, I had to be naughty to get attention, I had to do things that no one likes to get the attention, as my older sibling got a lot of attention first of all for being the older one and was there first, and then I was just the next one and my younger sibling was  the one that got everything because he was the parents chance to make things right, I was felt like a kid stuck in the middle being suffocated by the other two. (obviously this was all from my own perception at that age)

So now my next question would be how did all of this come out as me bullying some other kid.

The kid that I bullied was a older sibling to a  younger one, and this kid was a resemble of my older sibling and that I could now take out my jealousy on him, I always did it in secret, you know, the adults can not see what I am doing, it was okay for other kids to see it!! And so I would end up using the kid as a punching bag for all my bottled up emotions, and seeing the kid crying was like a empowerment of myself, to feel that I had power when at home I feel like I had none, no one heard me, no one believed me, no one gave me attention, I was screamed at, I was yelled at because I was nasty, I felt powerless at home, no one ever took me serious saying it is only another stage he is going through. Thus I seek the opposite in secret, this was me being a bully.

This is looking at all points, no blame, no judgment, seeing what evil the family as it exist as today is, any and all bullies are created through family, no matter how nice parents are or how nasty, both  are equally creating bullies to enter this world, I am a perfect example of how I child that comes from a "good" loving and caring family can still turn out to be a bully.

I also have been bullied in my life, by at least four different people directly and a couple indirectly to cause me harm, and where I have been harmed, I knew all the kids that bullied me in my primary school years and they all had good families, enough money, and some had bad, yet a bully is a bully.

We need to understand that we do not know how we are creating reality and how we are actually teaching our children, that is why what we teach them through words and actions isn't the only way they learn and will not be what they do/become only, as there are resonances to consider and pre-programming , as there are other influences at play yet to be understood by all - Desteni gives the tools/information/courses etc.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking at the current way that family exist as as not being the right way as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have blindly accepted and allowed myself to believe that the current way family exist as as being the only true way.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realize that the family construct/system as it exist today is the reason for why the world is the way it is currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see and realize that because of the way family exist today is the reason the world is the way it is today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that everything that exist in the world comes from a starting point first, and that starting point is currently the family, as all children are born and raised in a family first for the first seven years and only then are they exposed to outside where they have already been programmed an thus now they are only using what they have already learned from family and how to apply it practically in and as living it physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way family exist now as it has been passed on from generation to generation as being the right way, realizing that what I am actually accepting and allowing is the sins of the fathers with and as me as being the right way, realizing that I have to stop walking in the footsteps of my father to end the sins of my fathers through actual change, change that is not the opposite but that is best for all life in all ways to actually stop and not to create a polarity in energy movement, but to stop both polarities as myself as the family construct with in me and to re-birth myself as life so that life can be what is born from all families and live one and equal here on earth as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to refuse to change for what is best for all life in all ways because of LOVE for my family and believing it is the ultimate things, realizing no matter how much I pretend to love my family putting all the hate aside and all the arguments and resentments and irritations etc, Family is where the humans are born from that run the world and that the current world is dying and not blooming and expressing, thus it is in my face that love for my family is actually killing the world and earth as the evidence is actual physical and can not be denied even if one has to poke their eyes out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way I was raised was the right way, yet the proof that I am evil is who I am with in my secret mind and actions, showing to me constantly that I as the manifestation as my family is in fact not what is best for all life or the right way of raising a child, otherwise I would have been at peace with myself from the start of birth till death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disrespecting parents through not accepting and allowing what was thought to me as a child and to decide for myself with in common sense and self honesty what is best and practical and actually real as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at Family as the starting point of where all evil originate from as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pain family with beautiful ideas and promises and believes while in reality I know as a fact that it isn't what I make it up to be and thus I am praying and holding on to false gods instead of trusting the one true god as the physical as me one and equal and what is in my face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the idea of family something so so so much more than what it is just so that I can cope with family and feel that I belong somewhere in a world where each family is for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that family is where I learned and trained myself to be who I am as all the evil that exist with in me as my mind as secret thoughts and behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I call myself evil, realizing that it is only the mind defending itself in the face of confrontation, as I know I am not evil as who I am as LIFE but only as me that I have accepted and allowed with in the mind as thoughts/feeling and emotions in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to call a spade by its name and rather hide behind beautiful ideas and believes in my mind about family and to not have to face what I have created and accepted and allowed as myself, realizing that I will at death or here have to face who I am in each breath ad thus to take self responsibility here while I can still do something is much better and more practical and where I can stop and have feedback and cross-reference the results to see what is real and what is not and to do what is bets for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to investigate my first seven years of my live as thoroughly as I can so that I cna see and understand how I created myself as the family construct/system - so that I can in clarity expose the family construct/system as it exist currently for the evil it is and creating in this world as what the world is showing us everyday in clarity in all ways.

I commit myself to stop blame/judgment through self forgiveness and writing and to take self responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist in this world as me as the manifestation of family input/output, and to change as that which is best for all life in all ways and to become the living example in each breathe by breathe.

I commit myself to take a stand and to end the sins of the fathers through educating myself and others about how we have create and manifested this world together with in common sense and to bring awareness to people as I give it to myself through self forgiveness as that is what is best for all life and to change the world as the family system as that which is best for all life.

Day 31 - why do I hold back.

Why do I hold back when I see I need to act, this is a pattern that I am working with now in terms of participating in my world, within what I can do in and as space and time.

As an example, I have been wanting to do vlogs about many points for the last couple of months, yet I haven't even come to do one or tow on the points.

Every time The point comes up that I am going to do a vlog today, I end up just thinking about it and looking at when I can do it, I see I use the environment as an excuse, I use the sounds in the environment as an excuse, I use the camera I am going to use as an excuse, I use my voice not sounding good enough as an excuse, I use "I will sound dumb as an excuse" yet I know I can do it all - so I hold back, I sit down and I become silent, this silence is actually a suppression of my expression.

I see that the problem starts with -  first of all thinking, secondly thinking I will do it today instead of now ( postponing), obviously if I can and not like being at work or so on, make a note!

So even if I do see what is causing me to not do it and why, I am still holding back, I am the manifestation of the judgments I have towards the myself regarding the point, I* have become the accumulated consequences of my own mind participation, where I have given the mind power over me a what I am able to do with in and as the physical. If I stop the mind then I become living actions with no limitations with in what is here.

 I see I have trapped myself with in an energetic experience (resonance) of fear and anxiety through self judgment, I have to now release myself from this,

The Mind is a trap, if you follow what it presents to you it will trap you, the trap is unique as you will not realize the trap unless you show the trap to yourself, this is where self forgiveness comes in.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in applying myself in certain areas of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in the principal of what is best for all life through judging myself in those certain areas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with in certain areas in my life of applying myself with in the principal of what is best for all life as not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough in certain areas in my life with in expressing myself with in what is best for all life because I believe I lack the knowledge and information to be specific enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being smart enough with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life with in what is best for all life, realizing that If I never push myself to express myself in those areas in my life that I will not find out or ever be able to see what is real and what is not so that I can work on it accordingly instead of judging myself and paralyzing myself from doing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back with in expressing myself in certain areas in my life through accepting and allowing the fear of making mistakes to direct me instead of me directing me in each breath where I direct the mind as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about expressing myself in moments when I see a point is here and end up only generating thoughts/judgments/believes/opinions/ideas in my mind instead of expressing myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back because of conversations that I have in my mind and through this create believes/opinions/ideas based on my own self judgment that is not real but created of the mind in a secret room in my head, realizing it is all self created and what is real is yet to be discovered through me to in the moment express myself as that which is best for all life in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe what I tell myself in my head in secret and to follow what I make up as justifications and reasons to not express myself in the moment as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be held back by fear as self judgment as future projections that I create in my head, that isn't real at all yet I believe it as to be true, realizing that in and as the physical as silence there is nothing but me here in and as the physical moving me as Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I am not held back any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear who i am when I am not holding myself back any longer to not express myself as LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for holding myself back through participating in the mind as thoughts/feeling/emotions and to trap myself deliberately with in and as the thoughts/feeling and emotions to not have to take the extra steps in change, as I realize I see this as to much effort and that I will actually have to dedicate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear dedicating myself to be here in each breath and to not postpone or hold myself back from expressing myself As Life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I express myself with in what is best for all life in all ways that I will draw more peoples attention that will hate me and attack me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that hate and get aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attract people that is aggressive and haters through my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I will do when I get haters or people that get aggressive toward me with in expressing myself fully with in what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react when I express myself in each breathe as that which is best for all life in all ways and to not postpone and to not give power to all the thoughts/feeling and emotions but to breathe and realize I am here and I am responsible for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back with in waiting for approval from my environment and others first before I can express myself, realizing with in this I am compromising and sabotaging myself and might wait for eternity, thus it is up to me in each breathe when I express myself as I choose who I am in each breath and that it is all me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as one big excuse, realizing that I decide in each and every breathe, as the mind and as the physical who I am and thus there is actually no excuse in the end and I will have no excuse at death either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing to myself that there is no excuse which will reveal to me that all the time I have wasted is gone and can never be retrieved or re-gained and thus I now have to in and as breathe make up and do extra to get to where I should be and to get out of the trap of the mind that I have set myself and trapped myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my mind deliberately just so that I can have an excuse for why I did not express myself as LIFE as that which is best for all in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ME.

I commit myself to when ever I see a point comes up where I want to make a vlog to see if it is practical in the moment to do one immediately with out postponement and to do so, if I can not I make a note and I live my words as Who I am.

I commit myself to write and to apply self forgiveness when I see I am feeling trapped and to free myself from my own trap of the mind and to see what remains as me here as who I decide I am in and as the physical and to apply myself with in the certain area of my life.

I commit myself to when I see I judge myself or have any mind bullshit going on when I want to express myself in a certain area in my life are such as making music, doing a vlog, building a bird house, that I will write and clear myself and to look and consider all the points with in common sense and self honesty and to see if it real or not and to then accordingly apply myself with in self honesty.

Day 30 - Tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that every time I am tired that I must sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am feeling tired that I am tired, lol it is only a feeling, realizing that when I breathe effectively and move myself that I actually will notice an interesting thing, I wake up, proving that the tiredness wasn't real but a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired when I go into resistance of something and want to rather hide away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping when I suddenly feel tired as a way to hide, realizing that all I need is my 6 to 4 hours of sleep every night that is more than enough as I have proven to myself for 3 months now with doing full time work physically and mentally and thus realizing that any other tiredness is not real but an indication to where I am with in the mind as a resistance/hiding/seeking comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I sometimes get tired it is when I am doing nothing, realizing that the tiredness has nothing to do with what I did but is a side effect of laziness and being in the mind as thoughts and back chat, draining the body of physical energy to fuel a alternate reality that isn't real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I feel tired and wanting to sleep, realizing it is a point of self honesty with in considering the starting point as who you are in that moment in breath t6hat determines what you do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to stop- being tired with out sleeping first, realizing that I have in the past had many physical events that showed me when sleep is real and when not and that I can simply wake from the sleep or "get over it" through doing physical things and moving myself and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse I am tired to not have to do things.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that me saying I am tired the whole time is making me tired only to be able to use the excuse as a valid excuse that I am tired and cant/wont/don't want to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept feeling with in me as the truth with out questioning it such as feeling tired and with in that see what si real and what is not through physically testing it for myself if possible with in what is best for all life as myself in common sense and self honesty as who you are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be tired to avoid doing things, deliberately limiting myself and my world and my participation with in it and enslaving myself to the mind and saying that the mind may have power over me as I am no self will to move myself but the mind moves me as a energetic input5 as a robot.

I commit myself to when I feel a sudden tiredness to stop and question why, to look at the practical points, and thus with in that breathe and move myself or write about the point and to check if it is a mind fuck or actual physical tiredness where my body needs rest, as I will know when it is my mind that needs rest then I am in for a mind fuck, as that will be my indicator that I gave away my authority and power to the mind, to my tool, to my servant, and made the mind as my servant my master, as I as the physical is the master that uses the mind as a tool one and equal in functionality in and as the physical and to stop the mind tiredness through directing myself in movement, in breath as that which is best for all life as a self willed human in and as the physical.

 Bernard Poolman - Virus Free Mind

 Life Review - When the Mind Falls in the Face of Reality

Day 29 - Is it a Sin to be a Virgin.

Being a Virgin always felt like a sin, I could not tell my friends I was still a virgin, I made up stories and lied about it, mostly avoided it, when I watched movies like American Pie or Road Trip or Euro Trip and many other movies that are the same type, where with in the movies they would literally make it the goal in the movie to get someone to lose their virginity before a certain age or event, and that the person would be a loser if they do not get to have sex before the certain set time and date.

This really played a big part in my brainwashing as a teenager, I became obsessed with having to lose my virginity before I leave school, before I turn eighteen.

It felt like it was a sin to be a virgin, and that speaking it would curse my name and that people would see as if something was wrong with me.

I was successful, but the cost was high, I had to turn myself into someone I was not, someone that was  even more deceptive and manipulative to get a girl and to have sex, all for the idea that I had to lose my virginity before a certain age or time period otherwise I would have been a loser (according to who?), and to be frank, not one fucking thing changed after having sex multiple times, I was still me with myself, only now I was more of a monster inside, I became a asshole, a bastard, I misused many women, I abused them emotionally and myself, I made many promises and I said many things just to get to that one point, I was fading away, the child with in me, and I became a possessed human, a robot to fulfill only one goal as if was my entire life purpose. How freaking useless.

Time to take self responsibility and stop the abuse.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a virgin is a sin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as something being wrong with me if I am a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being labelled as a virgin, as someone that is incapable of having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not lose my virginity before a certain age that it will be to late for me and I will die a virgin, realizing this is mind created bullshit that I accepted as brainwashing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not lose my virginity before I leave school that no girl will ever want to have me then with in the believe that I will be inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to those that has had lots of sex while I am still a virgin, realizing that this is all mind created bullshit based on self judgments, believes and ideas with in having conversations with myself in my secret space called the mind, realizing it is all self created with in what I accept and allow with in me as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing the point of having sex with someone with in the principal of what is best for all life with in an agreed relationship where there is not deception, no manipulation, no ego, none of the bullshit, real communication and self forgiveness .

Life review - Ego + sex = Catastrophe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will say about me if they have to find out I am still a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and directed by movies and the ideas and believes that movies portrayed as being right and wrong with in being a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by friends and their opinions/believes/judgments/ideas about being a virgin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about being a virgin as if it sinful and wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being incapable of having sex just because I am a virgin, realizing that I have not yet became a complete possessed robot that is only after sex through extensive deception and manipulation just to lose my virginity, and that I still am able to rather direct myself with in a agreed relationship where I can be self honest and direct with in the point of having sex, thus not having to degrade myself to a level of being an asshole and where I have to abuse women emotionally though promises and nice words to only get sex and in the end break their harts after I got my reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a virgin is a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being a virgin is a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in my mind as ideas and believe in relation to being a virgin, realizing that it inst about what is right or wrong, but that it is about self honesty with in directing myself first with in establishing myself as who I am as that which is best for all life, so that when the time comes that I have sex, that is not with in the starting point of ones own self gain tha always end up in abusive situations for both partners, but to rather first establish a agreement that is best for all so that the sex will be with in an agreed term that is directed and not through deception and manipulations as abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to lose my virginity according to fulfilling a mind idea/believe, realizing that this as the starting point is abuse and not what is best for all life as myself and will in the end only be harmful .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my virginity with in a direct confrontation situation where the opportunity is presented to me where no manipulation or deception is required, and to go into feeling insecure and not come to an agreement but to rather manipulate and deceive someone so that I may feel secure and in control and causing harm and abuse towards the other being and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make losing my virginity something sacred and special, realizing it is only what people brainwashed me to believe as their starting point of teaching us this is based on fear and judgments, instead of common sense and self honesty that is based on the principal of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mountain out of a ant's nest with in the idea and believe of losing my virginity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by porn and the ideas and believes around having sex and with in this literally MIND FUCK myself about losing my virginity as I now have created something more out of sex than what it 4really is, as two human being expressing themselves physically together with in an agreed relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge people that are virgins as being losers. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are virgins as losers because I fear me being judged as a loser.

I commit myself to stop the chase for wanting to lose my virginity and to stop and breathe and to first look at myself and my starting point, is it with in what is best for all life or is it deception and manipulation and abusive and harmful to me or the other, and to first work on myself to clear myself from all mind created brainwashing Crap and to not be a clueless zombie that only wants to lose my virginity because of some pre-programmed ideas and believes with in me that wants me to do it, and to instead direct myself with in writing and self forgiveness and to get a clear understanding on what sex is and how it works and to not rush into a MINd Fuck, and to with in this stop all porn and pictures with in my mind that abuse and supports abuse and to first be clear, so that when I have sex that it will be a physical act with in what is best for all life with in an agreed relationship where there is no need for deception or manipulation, only breathing and moving with in agreement. 

Latest on Eqafe - Shocking secret of masturbation  

VISIT Desteni.org and see the Agreement course. investigate and see what it is about, it is great support for self with in this course,

here is a interview on Agreements. for some perspective.

Day 28 - conversations with myself.

The never ending conversations we have with ourselves, it is really stupid and unnecessary, talking about stuff and making decisions about stuff while talking to yourself about it, how can anything be relevant then, you are giving yourself feedback in your own mind, it is like the devil asking the devil for help lol.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe and act as if talking to myself in my mind is "normal".

I forgive myself that I have not considered that as a child I did not have the conversations in my mind and that the conversations I have currently was/is created through me participating in my mind as past experiences and memories, as the conversations in my mind is actually the past playing out where I talk to myself scheming/planning/determining and gossiping about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to entertain myself with having conversations with in my mind, realizing that with in this I am creating split personalities for myself that can with in space and time end up as some disease where I forget who I am and simply fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversations in my head is good for me, as I have proven to myself over time that the conversations in my head only leads to postponements, justifications, reasons and limitations with in my world, instead of acting in the physical with in the principal of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the conversations in my head and that they are relevant, realizing that I am talking to myself and giving myself advice and feedback with no real physical feedback with different perspectives and actual common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the conversations in my head is good for me, realizing that when I talk to myself in my head I can easily create mind traps for myself where I get lost and will have no way of getting out because I trapped myself with in a limited space of information and limited concepts/ideas/common sense and thus I can not really ever help myself but only go in circles and occupy my mind and never really move with in and as the physical in this reality effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge with in the mind as having conversations with myself where I am always right and where the ego thrive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the ego through having conversations with it in my mind where I can always win and be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in conversations with myself as the ego with in my mind where I can feel unchallenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to addicted to the conversations within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what I have accepted and allowed with in my life that has created a voice in my mind with whom I have conversations with and to take self responsibility for it and forgive myself to end the separation and the limitation and enslavement of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through talking to myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through having conversations with in my mind with myself where I end up judging myself, creating fear with in myself, creating expectations with in myself, postponing doing things in my world, justifying things, gossiping and blaming and hate speech and everything that basically exist in this world that is fucking up this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to have a secret world with in my mind where only I can talk to myself and have conversations, that no one else can see or hear, not realizing that this should have been a BIG indicator that there is something terribly wrong, that something such as this exists, as it creates a world where no trust can exist or actual real relationships with real communication as there is always secret conversations that gives direction in a physical world that is real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that having secret conversations in my mind with myself as the mind is actually a big red light that must show me something isn't right as I am existing as two being while presenting only one tow others as this is deception and evil.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that with i having conversations in my mind with myself I am giving permission for my mind to create demons with in me that can take over through only my consent and harm others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where all humans have secret conversations with in their minds, and for not seeing and realizing that this is why the world is the way it is, everyone for themselves and a world full of demon possessed people, as they present themselves one way but have a secret someone inside of themselves that never reveals itself till it is to late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power and relevance to the conversations in my mind.

I commit myself to when ever I see I am talking to myself to look at what it is I am talking about and to look within myself why? And to question the conversation and to stop the pattern through applying the tools that I have such as writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and using common sense to stop and to birth myself in and as the physical where I am a living being and not a thinking being, one and equal as life in and as the physical as that which is real.

I commit myself to when I find myself thinking and having conversations with myself to stop and to bring myself back here to the physical, either through moving myself or doing something practical, playing with the dogs or walking, and to with in these actions birth myself here, to not exist as a thought that will fade away, but to be life one and equal as actual living being where I am one and not two separate being.

I commit myself to breathe and to stop the conversations with in my mind, and when I find I can not to use the tools I have and write it out so that I can see me in front of me, and to then self forgive myself to stop the pattern and rebirth myself, to be the child as I was where I ahd no thoughts, no conversations in my mind but to express myself in and as the physical one and equal in each breathe unconditional.