Day 344 – Kids at work.




It has happened a few times now that there are kids at my work around the show room. While the parents are looking for cars the kids aged around 2-4 will be walking with and around the place, I as usual will be walking around or standing somewhere. Before I know it the kids are around me and they want to play, or they simply like to be around me.

Kids are comfortable around me since I could remember, they enjoy me for some reason, I can’t say what the difference is because I am surely not familiar with it yet, it is most probably my resonance that I have always had, people Trust me, as I am trust worthy.

So today there was a Kid at work, the third one recently that literally leaves their mom/dad to be around me, and I experienced myself as becoming uncomfortable after a while, because here is this kid, another person’s kid, and he trusts me, and he is comfortable around me, not with the other 5 people standing around as well, but with me.

I find that I then feel like I must do something, why else is the kid here with me, the kid is probably expecting something of me, should I entertain the kid, should I take the kid back to his parents, what does the kid want from ME specifically, this only came up today because it is the third kid in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as a child is within my presence that I must become an entertainer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children only wants entertainment, not considering that maybe all they want is some stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as not being able to entertain a kid when and as I assume that a kid wants entertainment from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I am only entertainment for kids when and as they are around/with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as only being able to give entertainment to kids otherwise I am useless beyond that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as useless when and as I have nothing more to give other than my entertainment to kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that kids only seek entertainment and that entertainment is the only need kids have for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way kids can like me is if I am entertaining, not seeing and realizing that the kids came to me before I ever seemed entertaining and thus I created that point within me and towards the kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all I am good for is entertainment, not seeing and realizing that I am also stability and not your daily person as within the system, as I do not create a child as less than me or place them as incapable of anything within me and that kids will see this quality within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my qualities that I have within me that will draw kids to me for stability and some realness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear my ability that I have that makes it literally instant for kids to trust me and to be comfortable around me, enough that I will have instant effect on them within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deny my natural ability that I have with kids (the same as what I have with animals) because I fear the responsibility that comes with it, seeing and realizing that I only fear the responsibility of the point because I judge it as bad and not good for the parents side of that child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids and animals in the fear that others will feel less then or inferior to me for when the child/animal chooses me over them even when it is their own kid/owner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself with the kids/animals with my natural ability as who I am but to instead give into fear as the mind as consciousness and to limit and suppress and hide myself away from it all out of the fear of facing conflict with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear jealousy from others within my natural abilities that I have towards kids and animals, seeing and realizing that the fear of jealousy is coming from knowing myself when and as I am jealous and who I become when I am jealous seeing others applying their abilities without holding themselves back and that I then am only jealous because of myself holding myself back within my natural abilities and applying it effectively as others are.

Day 343 – Getting home from work, the Fly trap.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home to sit down for a LONG time and just watch shows and drink coffee and stand around and waist time, instead of doing what I know I have to do and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not do what I have sat out for myself to do once I get home from work and to instead fall into the MIND as the thoughts as the back chat of “ I had a long day I deserve to do nothing for a while” seeing and realizing that it is a excuse/justification for what I am not doing what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do and get done once I get home through falling into the mind instead of remaining in breathe and doing physically what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home and see others are watching something to GET distracted and to then sit down and also just watch something I don’t really want to watch for the sake of doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by what is going on at home once I get home and to then fall into the pattern of staying within the distraction from the fear of missing out, instead of seeing and realizing that I can simply stand up and go away and do what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make LESS time for myself and what I want to do through being distracted by what others are doing and busy with once I get home from work within the fear of Missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do ir set myself out to do through and within the fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I get home from work that the Lounge is a Fly trap and that I am the fly and that if I get distracted and fly into the fly trap that I will trap myself, and not see the opening till it is too late and I have missed all the time I had to get the things done I wanted to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rush hour for myself through wasting my time being distracted by what others are doing and busy with and wanting to just be around within the attempt to feel that I am not missing out within the excuse within myself, I was out working all day, I can sit down and do nothing now for a long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and create myself as one big excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that work during the day is hard and that it does take my energy, but once I get home after an hour of driving and doing nothing I have recovered and thus I have all the energy I need to do more and more and that breathing is a tool I have that does not require energy to move myself and thus can always be used to see what’s real and not and thus I see how I create the excuses through using the past and creating it in the present just to have an excuse of “ I am still tired” I must sit down and watch this episode, and the next one, and drink two coffees, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern for a couple of weeks now as a actual decision I make within myself every time, seeing and realizing that compromise and self-sabotage and the level of doing that to myself I am still at and how disturbing it really is for myself that I still haven’t corrected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone correcting myself within the excuse that I have already not corrected myself for a couple of days now what is one more day going to change, not seeing and realizing that that one more day has turned out to be a couple of weeks now and that I have created a pattern that is now controlling me and directing me and making decisions for me and thus compromising myself entirely as the mind as energy as limitation to what I am truly capable of when I breathe and push myself to my potential I know I am if applied for myself in self honesty.

Day 342 – Self transformation to be a father Part 1



I have been considering a lot of thing ever since I found out I am going to be a father of a child, a Tiny little human being coming into this world.

Everything I have been doing for the last two months since finding out have been magnified. All my bad habits and shitty patterns that I have been accepting and allowing within me for so long is now even bigger within me, because I have realize one thing.

My child WILL learn from me.

It is truly that simple, it isn’t more, so Who I am within all of me is extremely important, and when I say who I am I mean me in fact, not a pretentious me that is pretending to characters and personalities, mean me in fact, inside and out.

And I realize daily it isn’t much longer then the child will be here, The baby is already being trained/learning on a cellular level, I mean cells are alive, they are right now at this moment building the baby into a specific form with the coding DNA that is has from me and my partner, that in itself is already here as the DNA.

Every day when I see my partner I know that who I am towards her as who I am is already effecting the baby, it is common sense, the baby is literally part of her, the baby is being created within her, the baby is of her and a tiny part of me, the baby if using all of my partners body where necessary to develop him/her self.

This by itself shows that my words as the sounds that I speak when my partner is within a certain range of her will be heard by the baby, by the body, the cells and the water of the baby, it is how it works, it isn’t like the baby is protected from it all, it is all taking effects at a quantum physical level, through the sounds, through what my partner is experiencing the baby is also experiencing, they are currently still one body.

Besides that point, I now see all my habits/patterns, I see where I am lazy and where I am postponing and all those things that I know when the baby is here and I do not correct those point that it will become the child, it will be picked up, it will be taught, it will have an effect.

For example, my room has wires from the computers and stuff laying low on the floor and there are sharp table sides and there are cups standing on the tables and there are shoes and bags laying on the floor and there are open dustbins standing next to the desks and cupboards with no doors and there are little screws on the floor and coins laying at random spots and the floor isn’t really that clean, I would not lick it and all these things that I now notice.

When I see these things I KNOW that when the baby is here it cannot be that way, it must be fixed, because the baby will interact with the physical reality on all levels possible, licking and sucking and biting and touching and crawling and all those things anywhere and with all things possible.

And all the things that I am now noticing is “natural things” that is normal to lay around, it is parts of me that is laying around or still existing within my world because of who I am, to lazy to pick up the nail on the floor with a justification of it won’t hurt anyone, it is fine there for now, and the dustbin all open, it does not affect me so it’s all right for now, or the empty cups on my desk that can be thrown down and break and then cut the baby, its pure laziness for not putting it away where it is designed to be again after use.

And all the cables laying open all over, t does not matter of the baby is coming now or in ten years really, it is a matter of living a principal, always in consideration of what is here.

I was given a great perspective once, about four years ago here on the farm just as I started working outside, we were cleaning the one garden and then I said I am done. Then Bernard came to me and he said, are you sure you are done, I said yes it looks done, he said it does not matter how it looks, is it done, can you put a child/baby in this garden and you will know the child/baby is 100% save.

I then reconsidered my answer and I said NO, Bernard then said, okay make sure that is it save enough that a child can play here and nothing will be able to harm the child, isn’t that what it means to be a responsible parent, to make sure that you bring your child into a world where there is nothing that can harm your child.

I also then realize how fucked up this world is because there is ONLY harm within this world awaiting any child around all corners, and that there is NO responsible parents in this world, we can take self-responsibility currently for our own environments if we can afford it, seeing that safety is linked to money instead of a human right as it is supposed to be and then change the world so that every child of all species/races all life will have a Save environments to grow up within, and that in its obvious conclusion will create a save world, because we like to do onto others as they have done onto us (currently everyone with money is basically asking to be killed). If we are cared for we will care and then it becomes do onto others as you would like to be done onto automatically, but NO one is caring, its survival and competition and self-interest and ignorance everywhere, I was raised in a world where there was a constant threat on my life and still is, Rape/murder/war/poverty/starvation/habitat loss fucking name it.

So here I am, a father to be, I see my design, This is my design that I am taking on to change so that I know I can honor myself, have self-respect.
To be continued.

Day 341 - The man Symbol Part 1



I am watching a new series called rectified, it is about a prisoner that was on death row that now got set free after twenty years, so this is guy is now out and about in the world again and everything seems strange to him, and he has lost a lot of human interaction ability, he is slowish and quite and still old style from his time in his life, he was send to prison for raping and killing a girl and now found to not be guilty of the crime.

I am writing here about a certain scene that took place, where this guy which is the main character talk to other guy and he gives the other guy a experience of what happened in prison, this part was something that hit me and why I am writing this blog post today.

The main character was giving a play by play memory experience to the other guy of how he basically got raped in the showers in prison. It was interesting to hear this and to see the experiences that came up within me in relation to such an experience/situation.

He mentioned how he was one morning walking to the showers, and as he turned on the water and started showing a group of other men came in in, he said that you believe you can do something and stop it, yet you can not, and while it is happening you can make yourself believe that you are defending or fighting for some kind of a symbol that you hold of what a man is supposed to be. But it just continue and continue and continue, and there is nothing you can do, and then as quick as the men came in they are out and you stand up from the floor, the water is still running and you just continue showering and you put your cloths on and the guards is still near by,

I found it interesting how I actually placed myself within such a situation and I took myself there where I could see the MIND stuff that would have gone on within me if such an situation would have been happening to me, and I saw this symbol of manhood that I carry with me, and how that would have been one of the actual only fears facing within such a event, because my entire life I have defined myself and limited myself according to @manhood@ and what it is and stand for.

This is where I see that a even such as a gang rap would completely destroy such self definitions of manhood, and the symbol of manhood within me, and yet it is only of the mind once again, physically the body is abused, the body is being tortured and being raped, but anything else attached to what is happening within the mind is what creates separation as fear towards and within such an event.

To be Continued.

Day 340 - Authority complex Part 1




Why do I make every person in my Life the authority of me, let me answer my own question for myself.

As I was writing out that sentence another sentence popped up in my head, like the little naughty me saying “ because then I can manipulate people to like me, giving them power over me and then use that power once they like me to manipulate them into what I want.

Ok that came out quite clear lol, just like that, self-honesty in a moment, being honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give authority to others over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have authority over me because I have learned as a child when I do that it makes the other person almost immediately likening me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use authority as a weapon to manipulate others into liking me, because I gave them a position of power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weakness of others as their cravings for power as authority against them through giving them authority over me deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can always get away with it, not seeing and realizing that if I keep on doing this I will one day get stuck in such a position and there might be no way out .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that if I give another human being authority over me within the attempt to later on use that power and turn it against the other being as helping me/being kind to me, doing something for me, being my friend at the cost of having to be a slave for the other person that someday I might do it to the wrong person and then I might be a slave to the position for real and no way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the consequences of submitting myself to everyone in my world just to be accepted and to be liked and the long term consequences of that that I will never have and develop self-respect and self-honor as all my actions is of self-diminishment just for the purpose of being liked and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that when and as I give others authority over me that I can use that to turn the power against them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect for myself because I never took the position of authority over myself but instead give it away to others to use me and to abuse me and to within that make myself believe that after all the use and abuse it will somehow pay off as I was a good boy, and therefore good boys get rewards, seeing and realizing that once the other person has become comfortable within having authority over me that it will not stop unless I stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT develop self-honor for myself for standing as my own authority and directing and moving myself and to not do everything I do just to be liked/accepted but because I see within self-honesty that it needs to be done or said even if someone else do not like it and that I might be dislike, but at least I will have my self-honor for who I am and doing what is best for all life.

To be continued.

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