Day 272 – CONfidence (con the evidence) in our heads, NO such thing as Justified back Chat.



Day 272 – CONfidence (con the evidence) in our heads, NO such thing as Justified back Chat.

Back-chat is where a person talks to him/herself in his/her head about others/things I mean fucking everything.

So back-chat in short is gossiping in our heads with ourselves, sipping the poison we rotate within our heads about others/things in general, mostly others/comparisons

Back chat is a Bitch, it is like this other self we have created within our heads that we LOVE to talk to, as we know love is a suppressor for fear, so we talk and talk to this other self we create in the back of our heads and we believe EVERYTHING we tell ourselves as the other self.

Take a look, that YOU, that talks to you in your head is a bit different then who you are when you actually speak to others, it is always more confident in the head speaking to self. like selling it to yourself.

So we have a confident little fucker in our heads as ourselves that we like to use to gossip and to reason and to justify and to blame and to compare and to play games with.

And as we know someone with confidence is always the dominant one, we have confidence in our heads because we know it is in secret, and we believe NO one can see us talking to ourselves in our heads, so we can give ourselves what we believe we miss in reality in our heads, this is dangerous because we are and have now made the fictional voice in the back of our heads the preferred voice we LOVE to hear and listen to over the real voice we talk daily to with others.

This Back chat is always Visible within our physical behaviors and how we move and how we talk, not the sound that comes out as per say, but how the body movements is and the facial expressions and the now and again reactions which is actually mostly constantly.

The back chat is clearly visible when one acts on it in a direct way, then everyone knows what the fuck is going on in a persons head – but most of the time the back chat will always do what is best for "self interest always" in secret little ways/things, such as spitefulness and nastiness and how we use words with secret intention.

Back chat will fuck with Self because it is self listening to self about others where instead of Growing and expanding and living LIFE and breathing and moving and doing what we can do within what requires to be done we will instead try and play games of FAIRNESS and to be spiteful and to blame and judge and to just constantly limit ourselves for the sake of doing those things to others to feel we have achieved something, REALLY!!

I have been taking on this point for years now face on everyday on the Farm, I have become someone I never saw myself to be, I can move myself I can work when I have previously made myself  believed I can not do so anymore till I did it lol, I can built things and make things and move thing sand direct things I previously never did, because I was for instance done with my working time, or I was apparently to busy already, or I have worked so hard already before, I mean the back chat piles it all up and just crushes self from living.

I have walked this many times in many cycles and I am in a new cycle now, I have thus far improved with every cycle, I have made commitments and live them to in each cycle to take on each point that presents itself where I can expand myself instead of looking for fairness and taken it on and do it, those that fell within, I know they will come again and I will stand.

I was told once " when you drive in the road and you hit a pot hole, the car will have minimal damage, but is okay, learn from it and when you have to drive the same road you will know what to look out for and not hit the pot hole, or take a different road, someone has to be really stupid to hit the pothole again"

so I use this, I learn to know myself, I know my reactions I know my back chat I see the potholes I have created for myself, so when the moments arrive I already have a new route prepared to take, a different road or a way to not hit the pot hole, it always starts with first stopping all back chat that one catches having in a moment of awareness here, and to then see what was already created within the back chat (potholes) and see whats the next practical step. I say yes, this is how I have grown.

I say yes where before I would have done anything to get out of a job or why not to do it immediately, I avoid the pothole, I take a different road, and then I see, I realize.its no about what others do or do not do, its about me in the moment as who I am.

I have realize the one point that has made me and sometime still a walking Zombie, what is a walking Zombie, it is where the same shit/points of back chat repeats itself everyday in defending self own ideas of fairness and only to create limitations for self in the name of some weird Idea that fairness exists, take a look around, fairness is none existent. We have to take self responsibility for ourselves and not compare and fight others the whole time in our heads to be fair within what we do. Each being takes on self responsibility for themselves and so we move in the equality of that.

The real question i had to ask myself was, when and where can I stop, I have found my limit yet because it seems that I am able to break through and push through all back chat and just keep doing it, and I am still alive, Fuck previously I thought I would die of tiredness or not have time and fail at other things or that I am to busy already.

It turned out it was a BIG NOT!! Joke. Where you say something and ends it off with NOT!! Hahaha.
Those were simple all along all my cleaver disguised justifications/reasoning/manipulations I used and actually created myself as them to make them real so others should believe me. Fuck it is weird shit.
To be continued.



Day 271 –No I cannot do This


What I am about to do isn’t professional!! I am going to do the one thing I always avoid doing just because I have a Idea/Believe in my head about it.

I am going to write a short blog – it is so unprofessional in my head, I have been writing blogs daily for 271 days now, and not one of my blogs is shorter than one page and they go usually to one thousand words as a aim I have set for myself.

So I have made it in my mind a believe/idea that I must always write at least one thousand words to have a blog worth being a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the worth of my blogs in how many words I can write, seeing and realizing that the worth is not in how much words I place but how I place myself as the words as the worth I give it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within writing to have to always meet a self created idea/believe about writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out every time I write a blog that I MUST reach a thousand or more words for it to be a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that if I write a thousand or more words then I am professional in others eyes and especially my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my worth in how others see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek worth from others through how I present myself as something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my blogs have less then a thousand words that I will be seen as someone that doesn’t know how to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of meeting what I believe others want to see or even just what It might seem like when others see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my words as the words I live and write through always stretching my words just to meet an idea/believe of how much words I must write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to credited such a believe/idea from comparing myself to others instead of focusing on myself and what is here as me writing the words till it is done and not to just meet a dead line I created in my mind.

I commit myself to when and as I write a blog to stop looking at the word count and to focus on what is here and to write here as breathe till it is done and I am satisfied with myself as who I am as writing myself.

I commit myself to check my starting point before I write and to change it to write what is best for all which is me writing till points are clear and done.

Day 270 – To Start is a Good Start self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a point that requires to be done to first think about it and to wonder about it and to go into the world of imagination and to lose myself within it and to only end up not getting to the point or to postpone it till later when I am forced to do it anyway, instead of seeing and realizing that simplicity of Starting and to move from there, which requires no thinking or imagination as the feedback is real time and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I have to do something that to wonder about it will not get the thing done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to go into the mind as Imagination about something that requires to be done is completely useless as it will not get it done and only postpone and create resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always first think about what I need to do even if and when I have already seen what needs to be done directly and to instead just start, which requires no thinking about it as I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see what I need to do and what I can do within the principal of what is best for all life always to first think about it and to only maybe later do it or even never, seeing and realizing that I have sabotaged myself and actually limited myself within thinking about it instead of taking that one first step of starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see what is required to do in the moment that really only takes that one step of starting in the moment to first stop and to consider and think and wonder on my fears about it and to then based on my fears make a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on fear as if they are valid and real, when and as I can always first make the decision to start first and to then check what is here as real feedback and not as the mind and how the mind interoperate reality which is always based on my own personal fears and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to start is a good start as a way to get things done is me actually giving myself in the moments that present themselves the courage to step out of my own self created limitations and fears and to expand and learn and to always move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the opportunity is here for me to start something to first sit back and think about it, seeing and realizing that in the act of sitting back and thinking about it first I am actually setting myself back already within a decision of first considering my fears and desires before acting which is me limiting myself first and only then maybe expand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if and when I see and realize something in the moment that the only act that is required of me is to start and to not think about it, because once I start thinking about it I bring in the past and my experiences with it that will set me back and thus creating fear/stress and anxiety, giving away the clarity of what I see in the moment with fogging it up with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping in the moment forward and to start something new or to get something done or to do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting in the moment when the point is here and the opportunity within making maybe a mistake, not seeing and realizing that if I make a mistake or if the point does not work out at least I will know for a fact instead of sitting for months thinking about it or imagining shit about it and never knowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting to act and do what is best for all life within and as what is here currently and what requires to be done as I fear that I might not be able to make it or be good enough, not seeing and realizing that I will never know if I do not start and starting with a unconditional starting point of willingness to do what needs to be done to make it work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting as I know my fear within starting implied me giving up that comfort zone of never starting and always being in a save zone where I take no risks and where I do not challenge myself as what and who I have accepted and allowed myself to become/be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting what I see needs to be done as that which is best for all life as myself within my daily living within the idea that I will start and not be able to finish, seeing and realizing that it is the mind wanting to keep me limited and enslaved so that I can be trapped in energy of which the mind feeds.

I commit myself to give myself in the moment that present themselves the courage of saying yes to starting and to make that starting point unconditional where I am open to what needs to be done as that which is best for all life in each breathe within self honesty.

I commit myself to give myself the courage of using and living the statement “to start is a good start” within anything that needs to be done where I experience resistance to push myself out of my own fears and to see and realize them and to stop all self imposed limitations created within the mind within self interest and to break free from the prison of my mind.

Day 269 – To Start is a Good Start.


Day 269 – To Start is a Good Start.
Within yesterdays blog I wrote down these few words a few times “starting is a good start”, and it is within this that I saw simplicity and how things get done.

Whenevera I have to write a blog or built a cupboard or cut the grass or read a book or write a blog or make money – I always first sit and thing and wonder how am I going to do it, how is it going to get done, when will I get it done can I even do it. Usually it ends up that I postpone the point till way later and then I am forced into doing it which is then a situation of stress instead of self movement.
Lets take the most recent point I am walking.

I am in the process of changing myself and so changing the world, this is what I am doing daily within my living and participation with Desteni and Equal Money System.

I have realized within my four and a half years doing/living/walking this that there is one point that is missing, it is like a final ingredient to how we can in fact make a difference within this world.

And this is with LOTS of people that care and understand and that see what we are doing and so support and assist the solution to become real this LIFE.

Now this is a big point within the current state that the world is within, the world is in big shit with money and money is tight, and people that do want to change the world don’t have money usually, or just enough, or they are in starvation/poverty/famine and can’t even move one arm to change the world because I guarantee they all want to change the world.

So Here I am facing this point as myself, we need money, the group and everyone walking as the group needs money, we need to get money to move we need to have money to stand for what is best for all life and support and assist ourselves within doing so effectively. As we are all slaves to money still and so nothing can happen without money, its a cold fact.

And I have been wondering for a long time now How can I make LOTS of money to put towards standing for life, how can I move myself and direct myself to make money in a world that is shit, where money is mostly already within the rich people’s hands, how will I get my hands on that.


Well that isn’t the point, because when I look around me going to town or the mall every now and again and I see the people around me and what they are doing, I see that those that still have money spends it on a lot of CRAP, I mean really – money is spend on bullshit. And here I am worried about how will we make money to do what is necessary to be done to change the world for that which is best for all life. Even in a tough economy people still send money on shit.

So I have been using this fear of where will I get the money in a shot economy and how will I get it to not move myself to not START.

And because I did not start way back I never found out, so I have been keeping it all inside my head as ideas and beliefs and really just sabotaging myself and compromising my life and the entire group as a whole to get to money to actually start moving.

I know we need to be a Million Destoninas to have this journey easy, but getting people to understand is like trying to tell a rock he is a rock, lol, so we are a few that has to carry the load till we have a million carry one stone each as a group, instead of a millions stones each as a tiny group.

So here I am facing this point still and I am now actually walking this point, I had a job interview to become a car salesmen, I first wanted to become a truck driver and ear money that way, as a means of funding a world/life that is best for All life in the long run within establishing the EMC/EMS.

And I am now awaiting a call from the car company I went to, they will call me in a week or so and let me know what is happening and then I will see if it works out or not, does it make money or will it be a slow slave driving job with no results. And from there take a different way.

So what i found within this point was how easy it is really to START, and through starting I start to see and I start to realize points and I have realize how the mind cannot interprate reality really at all, lol in my mind there was no jobs since my country has a fifty parent unemployment, yet Here was a opening, and then I realize that if there is job opening there is still money that can be put to salaries for people, please it must be obvious that there is a opening for me because I already have money and education and the exception is that I already knew the people as well..

All I had to do was to stop thinking about it and go out there and start, to not fear any answer or expectation and to simply unconditionally start, it makes it so easy and simple to move myself within all of this.

It is the same way I started with Desteni and walking self forgiveness and learning self honesty and so first - I decided to unconditionally start and to do it, here I am and I am doing it, I started and I started with a clean open slate to learn and to grow and to see things for myself.

Don’t think and worry about things, go out and start to check the point physically for yourself and to then have a clear answer that gives a clear direction to take, if one has truly followed through on checking the real answer/reality of the situation.

Next Self forgiveness.

Day 268 – from weakness to strength – writing/reading using knowledge and information


Day 268 – from weakness to strength – writing/reading using knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see I do not know how to do something to go into a experience of irritation with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated with myself when and as I do not know how to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated when and as I feel that I cannot do something and to then get up and move or do something else and to “ignore” the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to start a new way of writing to give up within myself of ever being able to write a different style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Limit myself within and as the mind as interpretation what the new task may or may not have in store and to within that interpretation already burden myself with the effort that may or may not be required and to then already within me make a decision to give up and not to even start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to Start is a start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist starting something new as I fear losing the time it will take to learn the new methods etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself as not already being able with the methods abilities capacity to just write a new way/style of blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the whole process of learning new things that requires intellect such as reading/writing/and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make reading more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words within books as more than me and something to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear forgetting what I read and that I will thus be unable to write a blog that is required to have information that comes from somewhere else and thus not start but to instead ignore and avoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for not being capable/able to writ like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry and frustrated with myself fro not starting but instead postpone and let the point grow bigger and bigger all because I have created everything within my mind already, which is always just a interpretation and not how it is in fact in reality, and thus I see and realize that I have to stop the mind participation and focus on the physical actions of doing it and breathing till I am done and I am capable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this is a point of myself that I must face as a weakness that I have accepted and allowed all my life, and that it is also the point of transformation for myself where I make my weakness my strength.

I commit myself to when and as I have to write blogs a certain way to stop thinking about it and to stop being concerned about if I can or cannot do it and to sit down take a deep breath and to Start writing.

I commit myself to when and as I have to write a blog that requires me to write a certain way to get the information through a certain way to stop judging myself as incapable and unable and to stupid through Starting to write unconditionally after I have done my research first and to unconditionally learn and see what I need to do and change while writing to get it done even if it takes time, yet to start and push myself and the point.

I commit myself to when and as I Fear writing a new way where the blogs have to be based on knowledge and information from other sources as evidence to stop the fear and to stop the limitation through physically moving myself where I haven’t gone before.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I fear that I will not be able to present the knowledge and information in a way that is supportive and effective due to my weakness I have created throughout my live of not being able to “remember” things effectively and to read effectively and write effectively to stop and to breathe and to see and realize my weakness and that I must take my weakness and make it my strength through doing those things of reading/writing and learning to remember unconditionally.

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