Day 261 – The Pattern of Who I Am Part 9



Continuing from Part 1 till here and more.

Taking the Parts from Part 1 to 3 and applying Self Forgiveness on them one at a time, each point.

Today’s Point: “see how I have used the back chat within my mind as a way to reason and make it all seem so True and real and that it is so tempting to just use that as a weapon to burst out at someone when they ask me to do something for them, so that they can feel bad and shit”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/use back chat within my mind in secret to reason with myself as a way to create reason/opinions that I can use towards/against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a evil professor sitting in the back of my head talking to myself and making options and poisons up inside my head as the backchat and the gossip and the thinking as weapons to attack and harm and WIN against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the secret mind as back chat where I sit in the dark in my head by myself talking to myself and having conversations with myself where I actually argue and reason with myself and even play scenarios where I win against myself as a way to test my secret weapons I am creating with the words I use and place as a way to win even if it means I have to use nuclear words against others as any means to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I participate within back chat and gossip within my mind where I am all by myself that I am actually having no cross-reference at all what so ever and that such bullshit can never be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I reason with myself within my mind where I pretend in my mind that it is actually reasoning, LOL seeing and realizing that it is just me fucking with myself as reasoning requires two people talking for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any kind/type of reason I come to within my mind is actually valid, as the reason I create within my mind with myself cannot be reasoning as it was created from me talking to myself??? Mental problem it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the difference between any “normal” person and a mentally ill person is that the mentally ill person simply say what’s in their head out loud and thus they are actually more honest then any normal person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can reason and create reasoning skills and create “new” reasoning skills within my mind talking to myself in secret where I will play out scenarios where I always win arguments and fights and so forth as a way to prepare myself for the real thing, not seeing and realizing that this is always in my disadvantage as it always gives me a false everything of reality as it was/is constructed within a alternate reality that is of energy and fuzzy logic and not the facts in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to have back chat when and as someone asks me to do something for them and to within this back chat always first defend my limitations and to then quickly look for ways to fight with my words to Win even if it means I limit myself and enslave myself to the limitations of the minds reasoning of weird logic based on self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I react when someone asks me to do something for them to Immediately create of bring up the “reasoning” I prepared within my mind as a weapon to attack someone that I deliberately tested and tried within my mind to see if it will hurt the other person or make them feel shit/bad and like crap for asking just to feel that I have a sense of power back where I am not a slave that simply do what I am asked and to feel that I have no authority to decide if I will do what I am asked or not, not seeing and realizing that I am abusing other people and myself and that in fact all that is required of me in situations such as this is for me to breathe and to consider what is here in and as the physical and make a decision of yes or no accordingly and do it or not or arrange other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the evil within me that I have created myself as when and as I sit by myself back-chatting gossiping by myself where I deliberately test and try out reasoning skills towards/about/against another being to deliberately with the intention to harm them when and as I use the reasoning I create within my mind just to win or have some sick self interest feeling/emotion to be fulfilled as energy rush of winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to make others feel shit/bad just for asking me a simple things such as doing something for them just because I have some personal issues I have to sort out within myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be bad to create myself as, as it all exist within me all the time and thus I am always responsible and cannot take it out on others or myself but that I must forgive myself and see what I am doing in the moment and to breathe and to then take a deep breath and decide based on the principal of what is best for all in all ways.

To be continued

Day 260 – The Pattern Of Who I Am Every Day Part 8



I have in my Mind only defended and fought for my own limitations just for the sake of proving my Fear was right?? What’s that all about??

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear within me that I might be asked to do something for someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this fear within me that I might be misused or abused by others for my abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my abilities special and unique within my mind, seeing and realizing that as I have made my abilities special I fear that others will abuse it and use it only because they can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I have abilities that I can apply where others cannot and that when they ask me for help to feel like I am being abused and used, not seeing and realizing the fact as the physical that I am capable and able to do certain things others can yet what they need to get done still remains and that it is my responsibility as the one with the abilities to help them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear of maybe they will/are abusing me for what I can do just so that they do not have to train and learn how to do the things by themselves as I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “ if I could do it with hard work and training so can they” to exist within me, not seeing and realizing that everyone had different physical bodies that is specific and also a result of genetics that they cannot always help for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others when they ask me to do something for them within the fear of that they might now just be taking advantage, seeing and realizing that I am the only one not taking advantage of myself to test and upgrade my abilities in that moment to push myself beyond my own limitations of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fear others will take advantage/abuse my abilities because I fear pushing myself and getting out of my comfort zone within my mind where I have this abilities but never use them to bring myself to my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I only fear myself and that I might abuse myself when and as I use my abilities to their fullest as I know myself and that I can never stop even when it is required as my ego kicks in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as my abilities through only wanting to limit them within not applying myself as my abilities equally for all when and where it is possible and to only remain a slave to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that it is abusing myself when and as I am not using my abilities that others do not equally have as the physical points through trying and attempting to hold myself/abilities from others as a way of spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards others when and as they ask me for help through reacting and wanting to make myself un available to them as to achieve a goal where I can say look what I have and you can’t have it just to feel more special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my behavior as the result of my back-cat and inner gossip is a result of me attempting to be spiteful which is always self abusing within holding myself back and limiting myself and remaining a slave to energy as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me powerful and strong to have abilities others need/want and that I can withhold it from them if I feel like it, not seeing and realizing that what I do onto another is what I want to be done onto me will be in play at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I live in fear of others asking me to do something for them as I have already judged that others will not do anything for me within my mind through gossip and back chat from once upon a time in the past where it was done so onto me and now I place this judgment onto all.

To be continued.

Day 259 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 7



Here I continue with the last Blogs I stopped at just before the power went off here for three days and two nights – thanks for understanding if you are a reader of this blog.

Last time I was doing Self forgiveness on the points I discussed in Part 1 and Part two.
“I believe that in my mind I can prepare myself to face this fear.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I can prepare myself within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions to Face my Fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that it is within the Mind that I create Fear in the first place, as I always take things from reality as the physical and place it into a energy experience through the mind through how I perceive/judge reality which then turns into a reaction and fear as the mind tends to always make something more then what it is in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have a fear and that I am trying/attempting to “prepare” myself to face this fear that I am actually just keeping the fear alive within me as I am giving it recognition and validation as if it requires special attention and thus it must be real, making it real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have fear within me towards/about others/things that it is always about me as it is only within me and not about the others/things as I am the one creating the fear within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within me towards about others/things through the back chat and judgments and gossip I have with myself in my own mind where I generate energy which usually ends up as fear as it is dishonest because I know I am doing it all in secret in the dark and that what goes on in my mind I do not dare expose or live because I know it is all lies and only abusive in its nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about the fears I have through believing that it is created within me through what others do and say and think when and as I can see that I am the one with the fear and that when and as I participate within secret as back-chat and gossip in my mind that I am creating the fears and the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the fear that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others responsible for the fear that I have within me, seeing and realizing that I fear admitting that I am the one that created the fear and that I can thus stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for my fears as the creator of my fears, seeing and realizing that I have created the fears as a way to not to have to take responsibility for myself as Who I Am within and as myself and what I accept and allow within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fears within me as a way to excuse myself from having to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fears within me as a way to justify and reason my way out of having to take self responsibility for myself and this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with myself about my fears and why I have created them and that I have created them myself through participating within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions and as all the Back-chat and gossip I do in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that all fear is from existing within self interest and the believe/idea that I am separate from everything else.

To be continued.

Day 258 - In The Dark on Desteni Farm



I am sitting here in the Dark, we have been out of power for a long time here at the farm, It has been two nights now, it is quite fascinating to see what changes within ones environment.

Electricity is everything, it is fucking LIFE, let me rather say ENERGY, and not the energy one would experience inside ourselves, I am talking here about real physical energy that moves things, it is what keeps your fridges and freezers going so that there can be food stored in it, the food itself is a scary point to look at when the power is out, I asked myself what if the power never comes back?? The food in my fridge is all from somewhere else, I don’t have it in my garden, and the food in my fridge/freezer is designed to have to stay cold or it goes to waste.

Then the next point we constantly face which is water, it s even more important than the food, we can live without food for longer than water, and as we all know water does not just come to our houses through some miracle, it is electricity that brings it all together, unless you have a rain tank with rain water, which will run empty if there is no rain, and then we have a gravity tank which will run empty and need electricity to be filled again. And then there is everything else besides the basic needs of water such as drinking it and growing food with it which is showering and washing cloths and dishes and the use of toilets, it all becomes a problem once there is no electricity/energy to move those things.

We live on a farm so we have a vegetable garden and we have chickens and we have a dam and a tiny river and we have lots of fruit trees, BUT here is the thing, the fruit trees isn’t bearing any fruit currently, the vegetables aren’t always ready at any time, the water from the river and dam are beyond poisonous if you want to drink it, catching fish is never a guarantee, and I mean where do we all take shit’s and piss if the water can’t run.

So consider what it will be for the billions of people living in closed apartments in cramped cities with sometimes no gardens at all even close by and or anything but the system as the alternative, which isn’t a alternative if the power goes out LOL, it is a fucking mess waiting to happen, hell for all at once as everyone’s fears will take to the streets for survival, those with solar energy or wind energy will probably die first as others will kill them for it, and so a cycle will start, anyway!!

There are so many point coming up in relation to what is physically changing just because that ONE point is removed from the rest, electricity, and now I am only mentioning a few points.

If you look at it I am just giving basic NEEDS points, not yet mentioning ALL the other things we have conditioned ourselves with, such as all the entertainment points, your TV and your Music and your PC and your game consoles and Cell phones and how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live in a world where our basic needs are constantly under threat, our electricity comes from Ancient fossil fuels from within the earth from millions of years ago.

Ever since the power has gone out I haven’t been able to take a shower even when I really need to, it is simply impossible, there is no electricity, there in nothing to give me that warm shower I am so used to, so what is my alternatives? If the power has to never come back on for a hot shower, we only have a dam and a river with water that is disgusting!!

I haven’t been able to just go into my house after a day of work outside and just have a coffee, there is no electricity, I can’t even just quickly watch a movie or a episode of something, I can’t turn the music on and check my facebook or emails or whatever else it is, it is impossible, there is no electricity.

When night comes, it is dark and that is it, there are no lights and there is nothing else to do, I mean we have torch lights, but they only last a few hours, we have candles but they only last for so long.

When night comes I hear a shit load of bugs enjoying the quietness through making loads of sounds and I can even hear the bats for once, I can obviously not see anything outside, I just sit in my house.

It is like I had all of these weird connections unplugged from me and now I am here all by myself, all these points I participated within everyday within a believe that it will continue forever and ever and ever and that I will never have to change anything I do or have to ever consider anything about my daily life because it is always just here, BAM the electricity goes out and here I am suddenly looking at small things such as, where will I get food from once the food in the fridge is gone, I am not growing rice in the garden or corn flakes, its all made and comes from far away yet I eat it every day, I make myself dependant on these things in a system where that which brings it to me is determined by money and based on fossil fuels as the only way it’s getting to me.

The reason for the electricity being out is because we had a massive storm here, it blew trees over everywhere and peoples roofs and all other bunch of stuff, a guy that has been living in this area for the past twenty years say it is the worst he has seen, so the electricity company is up fixing all the shit that went wrong to bring electricity back to the people, they are under pressure lol, because everyone just wants their normal lives to return to them as quickly as possible.

So as we all know South Africa, here they strike for anything any time for good reason though, they get shit money and shit lives, so we just hope they do not decide the work is to much and strike for the next few weeks, those with the money that has always had everything that electricity/energy provides will have HELL, maybe now some people will consider what is means to not have a flushing toilet or to not be able to have anything electricity provides, or they will just want their electricity back and forget.

We have a generator, so we are currently able to generate electricity with ancient fossil fuels to power our fridges and freezers and we can pump water to our gravity tank and have gravity fed water to our houses, but that can only last as long as we have that good old OIL in there, otherwise it is over, and it cost quite a bit of money, but rather that then all the food going moldy and rot and having to re buy that.

My daily routines and patterns in terms of night - mostly is all out of place and really impossible to do, I can write this blog because I charged the Tablet with the generator, so basically I put fossil fuel energy into my Tablet and now I can write and post a blog.

Imagine the whole world going without electricity, we are fucked, imagine that currently no one gives a shit that our world is run by coal and oil and fossil fuels that is created of a time of millions and millions of years, it will run out and we all will not be prepared on all levels unless we apply the EMC principals and do with common sense and LIVE prevention, create a new system before oil runs out where we can start creating a new world where money does not limit us to what is possible and why we are not changing certain point ASAP.

Quickly, consider one point and look into it, right now in your home, where does the water come from and how does it get there, you will find that fossil fuels are bringing it to your home, and you do not even know how and where or anything, do you have a alternative place to get water from? If it has to ever come to it, I mean shops will run out of bottled water, people will becomes demons as fear kicks in.

Do you understand the implications and the facts of when I say Fossil fuels are running EVERYTHING, find out what oil is and where it comes from, your life depends on it currently and it should be quite a fright when you realize the shit we are in from just that one point.

I am still sitting in the dark right now, the time is 21:43, there is nothing to do still, it is impossible, we do not have equipment or abilities to go out and o shit in the dark or get work done, we need light, we need plugs, we need coffee, we need all our stuff in our house such as the PC's to be able to work and the lights and the microwave machine and the kettle and the toaster and the TV and I mean see it for yourself, it’s all dead still.

O the Animals are loving it though, there is a quietness in the air, it’s like the sound of silence, my brain hurts hearing it at times, I am so used to all these machines running and making noise and everything all the time being on, it’s weird but relaxing, my body relaxed extensively in this darkness.

Day 257 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 6



Day 257 – The Pattern of Who I Am Every Day Part 6

I see within this one point that I do it again out of fear, I have back chat and gossip and thoughts in my mind about other people because I fear something and within my mind I believe I am building a case to defend myself, I believe that in my mind I am setting things right, I believe that in my mind I can prepare myself to face this fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the gossip/back-chat within my mind that I create and participate within is from fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fear others gossiping about me, so I gossip about them first to make myself feel better just in case they are gossiping about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear others gossiping about me is my own insecurities and self-judgments that I have about myself that I project onto others as if they are talking about the judgments and fears I have of myself and so within this fear I start to gossip about others within my mind to make myself feel better and to prepare myself just for incase the gossip is real and I need something to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about others/things within my mind without seeing and realizing that simple truth that it is me that is gossiping and judging and having back chat about myself first that I then create into insecurities and fears that I now project onto others as gossiping about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I gossip about others within my mind within secret that the gossip coming out within me about others is actually the things I fear others might be gossiping about me and so I start this game of gossiping to see who wins and who loses as the best gossipers in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have back-chat within me that it is within me and thus it is always about me and that I am attempting to separate it from and as me through projecting the back-chat onto and towards others within me mind in secret just to create a energy experience that can make me feel better about myself though making shit up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as I gossip/back-chat within me mind that I am setting things straight within me as that which I always believe to be the convenient truth where I always win and seem so good and right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always deceiving myself within my mind through participating within secret as gossip/back-chat about myself/others/things as it is always based on assumption and my own limited interpretation of the physical reality and what i observe within the frame of my limited knowledge and information about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always deceiving only myself through participating within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that is always in my self interest and thus can never make a real valid calculation of reality as it is always based on me and only me winning and not having to feel bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I participate within my mind as gossip/back-chat and having thoughts about others that it is from fear and nothing else and that I am always trying to built cases within my mind towards LIFE and all that is here to defend only myself interest which in itself is utterly stupid and limited as it is never real or truth, it is simply made up crap in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything going on in my head is real or valid, when I do not even know how the mind in fact works or how energy and resonances work or how the Quantum Mind works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe anything I make up or believe to be real within my mind, seeing and realizing that I will always make anything in my mind only in my favor and that it is obvious that if everything must always be in my favor that it cannot be trusted. Its a obvious sign of malfunctioning and thus must not be used as it will only been abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have gossip/back-chat about others that it is always to bring them down and make them less and to be nasty and judgmental and spiteful and simply put evil and that within this I can see that it is obvious that I do this in defense of something I fear of myself and am trying to hide of myself as I am clearly attempting to avoid looking at myself and am only trying to place myself in the good light so no one can see me and only focus on others and that this is always only me defending my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in my mind I am always defending fear no matter how good or evil things are in my head.

To be Continued

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