Day 608 - Stubbornness



Stubbornness

I have been a very stubborn person throughout my life, right up in people’s faces I would be stubborn, someone would offer me their help and I would say NO, I can do this by myself, or I would be struggling with something for weeks, even months, and I will NOT ask for help, because I must face this alone, I must get this all by myself.

Since I started walking my Desteni process, the tools and the material in all the blogs and vlogs and interviews has been challenging a whole different level of stubbornness within me.

I NEVER enjoyed anyone giving me the answer that is RIGHT, I would rather hold onto my own answer with my own added values that I see is the “right” way, even when I know it is just an opinion or a believe or idea – even when the answer given to me as the “right” answer has already been lived by someone and has already been proven by someone and can be explained to me in detail, whereas I with my answer cannot, I will hold onto my answer, being stubborn, unwilling to give up MY way as my Ego, going where my energy is, and not letting GO of it and taking on humility and seeing the new information as it is and to actually apply myself. NO, I would rather struggle for weeks and months and then learn it by myself, maybe. Or I would rather be stuck in MY WAY forever than rather giving it up and letting the ego GO.

This has changed a lot during my time walking with Desteni, and I have seen almost immediate improvements in my life, first of all, I learned that I am alone yet together alone with other people. Secondly if someone else gives me an answer that is “right” compared to mine, It doesn’t mean they see me as less, in fact it means they see me as more and that’s why the answer or new information is provided, because the other person wishes for me to be my utmost potential and for me to stop struggling within myself, yet with stubbornness that struggle can be very real and LONG.

Thirdly, I realized how much I reacted towards other people challenging my IDEA I have of myself, and how this challenge that others are giving me puts up this WALL of stubbornness and where I now MUST be more clever, or have a correct answer, or one that is even MORE better and saying those things as to show the other people I do not need your advice or help, which is again stubbornness, unwillingness to change, unwilling to admit that my way isn’t the way, and that if someone gives me a different way that takes out all the struggling, then I can simply take it – BUT NO, stubborn people, as myself want to be special, you see. Stubborn people want to be able to say SEE I did it all by myself, therefore I have all the credit, I was right, I am the winner of ME, but really?

This stubborn point has been challenged within me to its utmost through starting my Desteni Process, to be humble, to not be the all-knowing person, to be the inflexible self-righteous person that is always in conflict with everyone because LOOK I have a better answer, look I am saying this, YOU didn’t have to, I didn’t need any help from yo, even when what I say was inspired fom the other person, I mold it to my own.

one of the biggest stubborn indicators is to be part of a group, to walk as a group and within one principle, because then there is no MY way. it is best for all always, the group comes first. 

And this character can be sneaky, I have noticed how I can even listen to someone and SEE what they are saying and how it makes sense, and the practicality within what they are saying is HERE, yet I will walk away from such a conversation and then I will go in myself – ok, let me IMPROVE this what I was given and make it even better, and this I do because if I change what was told to me or what I heard, into my OWN version, then I can use it and tell the other person I still did it all by myself, LOOK I have an even better way of saying it, of doing it, I found this way, not you, I didn’t need your help. The stubborn character LOVES credit for itself no matter what, as long as someone else wasn’t right or helping or giving better information than the stubborn character.

I will be going into the stubborn character in more detail within my next blog through self-forgiveness.

This blog is on sex and private parts, adult's only , the BIG surprise – Day 607 day 10 of 21


This blog is for adults, well, should it be? I mean let’s be honest, we all got introduced to sex and everything about sex the day we were made, I mean a penis and a vagina was involved, but to be more serious, fuck media made sure I knew about vaginas and penises before my system assigned appropriate age which is 18, by the time I was 13, I have seen hard core porn, by accident of course. Visiting a friend by surprise, standing at the entrance of the door at his home, I heard weird noises coming from the house and looked in and saw on two computer screens hard core porn playing. I was fucking shocked. Before that I of course have seen naked women and men, I mean I am a man, but I saw naked women on TV, all the time, with my family, especially when sex scenes were coming up, but the private parts are always hidden then. And I got hold of a lot of “sexy” magazines, those perfect brainwashing tools being distributed all around, and they all were basically just teasing, not showing anything “private” once again, 90% was left to the imagination. And this is the part I am coming to within this blog.

The imagination and Vaginas

Please, consider this blog is written from me as a male point of view and it is going to be quite honest and open, so don’t make it personal towards me or anyone or anything else. I want to share my experiences and what I learned as a young man in his teens and before that and up until now.

consider - everything except porn is designed to make us focus on everything as an image other than the actual private parts, so we are left to connect the real point with the imagination stimulus designed around the people and images presented, such as the ass, legs, eyes, arms, figure, to totally disregard the actual point in discussion - sex, which is the vagina and the penis really.

I was sold an Idea about sex that was contradicting reality regarding sex, yes it is and was my responsibility to not accept and allow all the shit I was told and sold about sex, but I did, it was a curious thing, as I was in the stages of still understanding sex and my own male parts and the curious secretive female parts.

From TV and Media, I got this perfect picture, beautiful clean women idea, and then also that women are good for sex, really, that’s all I saw women good for in my youth, to get sex, perhaps I am one of the guys that wanted that idea to be sold to me because I was so insecure, perhaps all guys had this idea and hid it better, but my point is, this used to be my ideas, not the Ideal at all.

Yet I also had this Idea mixed up with women are perfect, somehow I was mind fucked by two polarities like a beautiful nice respected girl is somehow a prostitute underneath it all to be fucked hard. This is simply how it was programmed within me through what I saw on TV and Media and magazines, all those pictures and moving pictures really influences a guy at that age (age 7 and onward).

Now I knew one thing, a Dick is an ugly thing, I mean, geeze, just look at it, and never mind the smell sometimes, they look like one eyed monsters, in the showers or dressing rooms with a bunch of other guys, there are all kinds of weird one eyed monsters, all competing with each other, who’s got a meaner and stronger monster, checking and looking, even teasing and laughing at those who’s monsters weren’t in a certain range, not to mention the size and the different ways of direction all these one eyed monsters have. The point I want to make will come soon for mentioning this.

I remember feeling insecure after a few times having this competition in the dressing rooms for buys and not wanting to get dressed or naked in front of other boys, because the possibility of teasing might come up, so I avoided that, even though it never happened to me, but other kids got it hard, not that kind of hard.

Then you have the public toilets, and here, sometimes there are up to 10 standing urinals next to each other, and while pissing you try and avoid others from looking or seeing but if there are two other guys next to you, you just have to give u and piss quick and get it over, unless you are not shy and have some kind of an idea about your size one eye monster, then some guys will like swing that thing out and proudly piss for all to see. So now, here I am with a reality check always around me, and here comes my point that had me confused and that I took to myself as a male.

When I watch movies, or hear songs, where the girls just cannot wait to give a guy a blow job or touch his dick, I go in my mind WHAT?? Does this girl even know what she is wanting? I mean, the weird shit that goes on in men’s pans and the smells, Girls want that? Shit, there must be something wrong with women then to want that shit. Now at this point in time I still had NO clue what a vagina really looks like, feels like or if it also smells – and god dammit I was going with my imagination, because if I had to be real with myself that Vaginas will also smell, or feel weird, or have weird looks, then what I have in my imagination about girls will quickly change to becoming real and not this clean perfect image that is pure and smooth and just fucking perfect, and I went as far as even imagining that the picture of these models on TV and in magazines must fit what their vaginas will be like, I mean it must be??

Now the only “real” feedback I got on what Vaginas are about and how they are was from my trust worthy friends – and all the stories they have heard and later on all the stories that they have created “apparently” before me – and NEVER was anything mentioned about smells or tastes, even though they claimed they have been down there, all I heard was about wetness, extreme wetness, this surprised me because I never imagined that, of course imagination attempts to be far away from reality. Never mind all the hair, or mentioning about hair flossing your teeth potentially.

I discovered all of this myself over the years in my teenage years, and it was a surprise – not that there was smells, and hair and lots of juices, but that even after that and everyone knowing about the reality of vaginas and penises, among ourselves we will always only talk superficial as to keep the imagination intact, that which isn’t real, we do not talk about the real stuff, all of it, like while you have sex, farting is a possibility, mmm.

So this is my blog on sharing a bit more about how if we are real with ourselves in terms of reality and the sexual organs and stop making everything in our minds as pretty, as clean, as nice as perfect and get down to the actuality of it all, we can actually start seeing more clearly when something is literally deceiving us with pictures and selling using sex mixed with perfection, I mean, you will encounter ass hair, or some weird shit downstairs, it just is part of the human design and we can trip and cut and do plastic surgery all we want but it isn’t solving eh problem of the imagination and how it run people’s lives, I mean, after discovering the reality of sex for myself the first time and what’s involved, besides just intercourse, but like playing, you know, four play – I still have the Imagination to imagine it different and more perfect with some other girl, that this other girls will be more perfect, or have it right as I have imagined it, I mean just take a look at your own dick/penis, there is no perfect.

In the end it is really simple, regardless of the body image, one has a penis and the other has a vagina, or in more simpler terms, one has a rod and the other has a hole, that’s what it is all about, and to make these parts fit, is simple, in and out, with of course the required lubrication's and that will cause certain smells, like a car gives off a smell from the oil and petrol because of all the ins and outs happening, and then there will be gasses release, and we have exhausts pipes, our assholes, and shit will take place, we have to be real about this or the imagination and what is in movies, TV’s series and general media will keep playing on this “perfect imaginary world of sex in our minds”.

And the saddest part is, we are all actually believing and thinking that we can achieve this perfection image and are willing to go to great lengths to change our bodies, but if you are going to sweat and stink during sex, or if your penis or vagina is going to produce a certain smell while in action, you better hope you can breathe and be here in the physical, or you will be turned off, and then a sexual problem is coming.

Being real about this, you will find NO women or man in the streets will be attractive to you as an image anymore and you will empower yourself to already there not get distracted or fall in the trap of being attracted by an image.

Imagine that hot Vampire lady you saw in a movie or guy and then realizing, shit they have stinky dicks and vaginas just like me, they fart just like me, they have imperfect vaginas and dicks just like me, there is nothing special, just the outer image, they also probably far and have ass hair while in that intimate moment, and when things get really hot those smelly armpits will just make things bloom even more and there is nothing special.

The physical has the same way of expressing itself within the same things within all of us. These are some pointers I integrated for myself to stop the addiction of looking, of desire ring, of being distracted and following the lady in the red dress so to say, now I can truly embrace me as my body and there is NO imagination interfering and I am in breath. Then every moment is perfect and not seeking it somewhere out there as sold to us. Let’s all grow leg hair and armpit hair, destroy the illusions that keeps the systems alive and in attraction.



When Lethargy sinks in Day 606 - 9 of 21


Many years ago I went through a state of lethargy, for months I was tired and exhausted and felt like sitting and zoning out, not doing or participating in anything, where the thought and thinking in my mind would be telling me over and over “ relax, you need to just sit down and relax, do nothing for a while, you have been working hard, you deserve to just sit still and do nothing, just zone out for a while, then you will feel alive and awake again, just give it time” – But then it continues, for days and then weeks and then months and then it becomes Me, this new habit and pattern. 

BUT lucky me, I Listened to the Eqafe interviews on Lethargy a while back, and this enabled me to see when I was entering Lethargy, but that’s now all, because of the interviews I was not only able to see what I am in but also HOW I have created it for myself, it all took place in a short period of 30min, where I felt lethargic and suddenly I saw the construct that was described in the interviews, and I was like, wow, this is how I created it and why I am experiencing this. In that moment I could view who I was in the past few weeks and then how that specific doing/living ended up in a state I could not explain and just experienced and then have lethargy. 

It is for me difficult to write it all specifically down, as this requires the knowledge of the interviews to fully understand, but I will do the Self-forgiveness none the less on my personal points of creation up until this point. 

Here are the interviews for your interest:

 
My Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the past few weeks take on a character within me of “advancement” where the point of advancement and growing wasn’t the problem, but that I took on a character within energy, where the mind made me believe that I require a certain character to face the changes of advancing and expanding based on expectations of what is to come, where I in the current moment already generate and create all the energy that I believe I will need as this character for when and as the moment arrives that these changes and advancements take place, and so within time as I advance, the expectations isn’t met, yet I have already generated and gathered all this energy within me for a certain moment, and as this moment never arrives my body still need to use this energy or do something with it, and thus I go into a lethargic state where all this energy is now weighing on me, making me feel tired as It never got to be expressed, and so it now needs to filter through my body and all the systems designed within the mind, and so I sit and wait for myself to feel awake again, to beef alive again to move and direct myself, yet as I wait for this to happen I am forming and creating new habits and patterns set within lethargy, and thus I become lethargy as a self-propelling cycle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a high energy character for any change or advancement that MIGHT take place and to within this prepare the character within acclimating energy beforehand as to set myself up for success, without actually knowing the outcome of the actual time it will take before any advancement or change will actually take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be someone else other than me to be ready, to handle any advancement or change that is to come or might come.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the non-common sense approach this is to take on a character and to generate all the required energy I believe I will required for something that might or might not happen and to within this act upon it within energy within me, not even checking physical reality and walking real time change, just following everything and anything my mind is throwing at me to follow according to an expectation I made up within my mind about what I want and not haw reality works.

The Fear you have before you have the Ability to Respond Day 605, Day 8 of 21




This is a follow up on my previous blog, I simply pinpointed the exact phrase that placed everything in perspective for me on what I need to focus on within today's self – forgiveness.

Do you know of what emotion I am speaking of, an ever so slight reaction that become so sharp as if it is taking your breath away, piercing from your solar plexus through into your chest, especially if there is a point of conflict coming, or perceived, as if an expectation will come to life that you feared. Not fearing the other people or person, but rather your ability to respond, where when this experience comes up within you, it is as if you lose all confidence, all common sense, all basics and the mind goes into reactive behavior, a flight or fight mode, as if everything of and about you is on the line. Even basic principles one stand and live by as a guideline is missing. Well this is the experience that I have had for a very long time in my life, since I was a young child. And now I have finally seen that all it is, is me not breathing and giving the mind Authority, and this giving takes a split second to happen and then its downhill from there, as showing that before I wasn’t breathing already, I was existing as a character, a personality already before that has everything to lose as a mind consciousness system. So here I go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the sudden sharp reactive emotion that comes up within me in moments that is of fear of my ability to respond and stand, where I see I hate this sudden sharp reaction because it is showing to me that I am in the mind and not breathing within the physical here walking real time, even when I believe I am not in the mind, this experience is showing to me what I am still accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t seen and realized that this sudden sharp reaction that starts subtle but then become sharp is but only supporting me and not actually meaning anything in terms of what I am connecting the experience to, but that it is simply showing me that I am in the mind and thus of the mind as personality and thus have something to fear, and so I see and realize that when and as this reaction comes up that I do not have to participate within it, I can simply breathe and let go of the mind and the experience and to the Give to me in and as the physical the ability to respond through anchoring myself within principle, within basics, within breath and all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to the mind when and as the mind is telling me that I am not able to respond, that I am weak, that I am lesser, that I must now fear my words as they will be in defense of my personality, and so respond within a reactive manner that bears only word of self-interest and ego, no matter how good they may sound, no matter how much reasoning they have, they are done so in the name of the mind and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on actually breathing as soon as I start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not focus on my breathing and to not actually stop any and all thoughts feelings and emotions, where I have taken on a certain emotion of being and defined that as me being in breathe, until I have a moment where this is revealed to me that is of a sudden sharp reaction going through my solar plexus into my chest (breath) and where I am completely dis-empowered and actually harming myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually breathe and focus on breathing as my process walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I have again created a certain character that can be called the pretending to breathe character” where this character stakes on a stance of I am breathing, yet it is just a character and not breathing in fact, as this character is till protecting and participating in ‘JUST” thoughts and feelings and emotions that is seen as okay to have and give attention to and that nothing will come of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into characters that I have seen as “me breathing” and to not question these characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must walk and talk and act a certain way to be in this breathing character to be able to say YES I am breathing because look I am in this character. As if I am following a image of myself as being the physical representation of a mind within my mind, that must be still looking, quiet and so forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify any character that I take on for why I am not breathing in fact for real dealing with my internal reality within self-forgiveness consistently as my rebirth process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider the actual implications of actually breathing and that the characters I play and take on now as if they are Breathing characters are not real and still enslavement and that to actually breathe has no pre-programming, it has no style, no habit, no pattern, not thoughts, feelings and emotions guiding anything, it does not even have time. Yet functions perfectly normal within the physical reality because breathe is actually in alignment with physical reality and NOT the mind.

LIFE and Wishing for Support, Day 604 – Day 7 of 21



a bit of sharing on my process in here as well. enjoy

Behold the world upon you and let your vision see its potential as what is best for all life, now move as required to ensure that every action you take no matter what that it is or who you must be and stand as to manifest that vision, break every limitation and move through every fear as you know they are but programs – Wishing will only diminish the vision as it will never meet reality to become real.

These are but empty words as they have no backup, no walking backing the talking, they float in the air as potential still, they are here to LIVE, am I willing, can I WILL myself to push myself beyond what I believe is possible, can I face my fears and insecurities and BE that of LIFE and stand as that principle to mold and shape myself as what is here and required.

The question is, how much can I sit and wish for change, how long can I wait till I am out of time, shall my fears and programmed believes of what is possible and what isn’t determine my time? Sit and think about them, place myself already in the future of failure as the current character I am? Or shall I walk the talk, the vision in living, is it possible, this is the first thought to cloud me already, will I be able to? Perhaps wishing and waiting is a better option, I might as well fail before starting.

Have I forsaken the one principle? Have I but only become a man in flesh that has no part or access to the whole of who I am as LIFE? Why can I not trust LIFE as me, the universe, the mind has me, I am inside the mind, I have thoughts, I feel with energies even though what I feel with my hands are more real and relevant. I am not aware of the child starving to death on the other side of the planet, or in this case not so far from here in Africa.

There is a ONE, this one moves in equality at all times, this equality is not necessarily as what I might perceive, it isn’t a polarity based equality, it is a equality of standing as who I am, this equality is a frightening one, but yet it can be the utmost potential as well. It is a matter of stopping the mind. I am always one and equal to what I stand as, as ME as who I am, and the One as the Principle as the universe as LIFE as ME that I have separated myself from through a mind consciousness system, directs every and all in accordance with my standing and every other co-creator. This is mathematics.

How do I know this? I was there once, I was shown by a man I knew, he gave me the moment, the breathe to experience LIFE, I was but a teenager, innocent of the mind I existed as and still do. I had abilities beyond what I have now, I could feel physically everything, I could see what systems and designs existed within peoples around me, I could show them I could see beyond the veil of what is here as our current perceptions of reality that is literally built and based on brainwashing and we cannot see anything further than that. I know it possible, I lost it all as I gave into one moment of fear.

For a moment in time, I stood not as a personality or a mind, I stood as something else, yet in the amarute stage of learning and getting to know who I was without a mind consciousness system, I stood as LIFE, all of existence, I could communicate with life, the chair and the curtain in a living room, the rocks laying on the floor, everything is ME and I am IT = LIFE. I had no knowledge or information on what I was living, I lived it, NO fear, no emotions or feelings, the connection as LIFE transcends all pitiful experiences and brings a TRUE feeling forth that is actually genuine and real it cannot be moved, it isn’t energy based, it is to actually be one and equal with all that is HERE.

I fell not because I had a mind, I fell because I as the being gave permission for the mind consciousness system to set back within me, this I know was deliberate, I made that decision in that moment, afer but only a few weeks of walking this new way as LIFE – I realize only much later in my journey with Desteni that what I have done is what I am still doing, every day is a deliberate decision to walk as the mind and to validate fear, any thought is fear, any emotion is fear, any thought is fear, any memory is fear, take a look for yourself – why else would they just come up” it is survival programming, and that’s the only reason they exist and that we give it attention and allowance and acceptance and we miss life completely.

I share this in this way not because I know more, not because I have a secret about it, not because I have something special, it is to share part of my journey, many will not understand or see what I am saying, but the following point I want to bring up is – I was able to do that, to live that, to be that LIFE in oneness and equality, I am my own proof that it is possible to live without a mind consciousness system and that through living in oneness and equality as LIFE brings forth gifts, it brings forth something that isn’t possible to be comprehended by the mind, the mind is a total and absolute limitation – YET even with all that now as knowledge and information, why do I still choose the mind every day? Not as much as I used to, but just enough to keep me a mind consciousness system, as if I am afraid to give myself over to myself as LIFE as existence, as the universe.

And back to my point, if I am afraid to give myself over to LIFE and to move and live and stand as LIFE without the mind consciousness system, then within the principle of oneness and equality I will receive as I give, I will be done onto as I am doing onto, so LIFE will not give to me, I am not willing to give myself to LIFE absolutely.

So I end up wishing that LIFE will care for me, that other part of me that I am abandoning, and fear returning too, already before death. So I want to stay save as a mind, as a thought, as a fear, and wish that LIFE will see my intentions and give to me as I feel, as I want, yet not willing to GIVE all of me back to ME/LIFE. Even having the knowledge and information of having been there, stood there, lived it and know it’s possible.

When living is traded in for postponement it turns into a currency called knowledge and information, and so the living is lost between all the knowledge and information and the information and knowledge now has the value and the living has lost all its potential. This is the trap of the mind and what I have seen, how I seek a way through knowledge and information to live and stand as LIFE one and equal as I have/did once in an amateur way, but I was there, as a way to do it save, as I am fearful of the unknown as I know life has no fear, life has no limitations, life isn’t personal, it is all inclusive and one and equal to and as all, and that’s the part of me I fear.

There is still a very long way to walk I know, yet it is always HERE in breathe. My process with Desteni and the tools and the message and all the research and support and assistance through Eqafe, I know I have no excuse, as I always choose in fact.

To be continued with SF next blog.

War and Beheading - Day 603 Day 6 of 21




I saw a documentary today called only the dead 2015, where it is about a journalist who was in Iraq and when America invaded Iraq and made/declared war and this journalist spend seven years documenting parts of what’s going on, on the ground, and from both sides.

During watching this Documentary there are almost all the time people dying, being shot, dead, and being beheaded. For a while I had to remind myself while watching that this is REAL deaths, these people actually died as I was watching it, it isn’t a movie. And then it hit me, a sickening feeling in my stomach and a realization of what war actually is. It isn’t pretty at all. In fact, there are no rules in war, it is a mission and at any means get the mission done, and then there is the mental state of the people actually participating, they lose it, they can even become mad and they do lose their humanity so to say where murder and killing becomes more later on, it becomes personal and so suicides take place and what soldiers from either side do to each other has later on no limits, such as torturing, abusing, raping and name it all.

The once scene in the documentary that really got me was that of a man who’s head was cut off, and I watched it happen, right after this man introduced himself and where is from, his name, his family and then BAM, as he is sitting there on the floor tied up, men grab him from behind and with a big knife starts to saw off his head and then after the head if sawed off they pick it up and showcase it to the camera.

It got me because I place myself in everyone’s shoes always that I am watching or seeing, I do not choose sides either. I take all in as me and check who I am within that and to breathe and stand one and equal, because it happened to another part of me, and another part of me did it, I am responsible for all of it, so I cannot separate myself and feel bad and guilty, I must stand up and see where I must change and to move as.

It is clear that this is unacceptable to even exist, War and the reasons for war must end, it must stop and we must stop within ourselves FIRST, if there is any kind of movement within us, as you and me where we see fighting, war as a solution, we are still the problem and cause as a vote for the existence that is here that isn’t best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to see any form of violence as a solution to my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes wish for violence as a quick solution and not having to actually deal with the under current cause of the problems or even unwillingness to want to change the actual cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as long as I am in good intentions within me seeking to use violence to solve a problem or problems that I am not good, and my intention is that of evil as against life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that violence must exist as a point of solving problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of being violent in moments of anger or where something or someone provoked something within me, and that I believe someone else can make me experience something within me, when it is literally impossible as it is within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these thoughts feelings and emotions of wanting to harm or be violent as natural and a possible solution within me, where this violence of wanting to hurt someone is always a point of EGO and self-interest directly about me and now wanting to harm another for ME taking something personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize violence is when we are clouded by the lens of the mind that is out to violate the physical to mould and shape the physical through violating the physical as what is real to fit the minds perception of our own beliefs, ideas and opinions based on ego, to make what isn’t real a reality through breaking and forcing a certain outcome for self-interest.

Idea versus Ideal Day 602 – Day 5 of 21




I have so many ideas during my everyday living – my ideas are always inspired for world change, how I as an individual can start something, make it big and make it happen. I write down many of my ideas and some I post on social networks, where they get some feedback. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Ideas come and go, this is what I have seen for myself, and sometimes I act on these ideas, to physically practically check it out. These Ideas I act on are usually small things that are possible right now, so it is easy and I have feedback quit quickly and can thus change my idea and test it out again.

One of the Key points I have realized within acting on small ideas is to take and idea and to mold and shape that idea into an Ideal, not an Idol, then we will have a problem.

I always align my ideas that are BIG to group activity and efforts, and always in alignment with the principles I live by to benefit and support and assist all those equally that I can currently reach and that stand equally as me. As I know it will only then spread out more and more.

The problem I face is a Fear, where I get an Idea that isn’t something that can be done right here and now, it is something that requires time and effort, to set the IDEAL of the idea already in the planning without having the opportunity first to just test it and then correct it. Because any BIG Idea that goes public effects that idea and how that idea is manifested, so a second chance is very hard after that, an unfortunate consequence of living in a system where there are winners and losers.

I have been in the process of bringing a BIG Idea to live, to manifest it, it is taking time, the planning, the research and all the practical points that is required to be in place before even exposing or revealing this idea to not have any assumptions already made, and that is of course part of and in alignment with my process and living and standing as a Destonian and the Desteni Principles and group. As the group always comes first.

So the point I am facing is the fear of the unknown of not having that space and time to take a BIG idea and first check it out, I must basically give it one shot and that will be it for this one particular idea, and even if the idea fails, it will not mean it was a bad one, it can simply mean that I have missed a few points, and thus the Ideal isn’t met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a BIG idea and to follow through with it into manifestation and that it might not work and where the reasons will be that of missing small points within the Ideal outflow I wanted and saw within the Idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear making BIG mistakes and who I will be within that miss take, where I can already see myself getting back up and starting over, yet I fear having to go through the whole process again just because of missing a few points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush into manifesting my big idea as soon as possible just to find out if it will work or not, and to within this miss the IDEAL and what I must practically consider within the Idea as to as much as possible ensure that the Ideal of the Idea is to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flood my passion and vision and Idea with too much unnecessary information within a fear as a paranoia of messing it up and to within this take the idea and making it into a typical sales pitch and missing the passion completely of where the Idea comes from as a self-directed and creative movement within me that isn’t of knowledge and information but a physical movement of living and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going BIG and Viral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if my BIG idea actually manifest and how much of a difference it will be from what I saw within me and my mind versus reality as I had no time to first check and assess as what I do with small ideas on a daily living scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself within listening to the mind as knowledge and information as comparison where I compare myself as less than those that has made big ideas come true and were able to be flexible and moveable to adjust and make it happen, and that I am not the same, yet I know within me as my expression that I am, I can I am capable, I must simply take the lead/jump after preparation and cross reference with others and to know that in breath I am okay, I am here, I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the voices in my head of what other people will say and think about my crazy ideas and that it will not be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR my response to others when and if they might have negative responses towards me and my crazy ideas and that I might just get more crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everyone to just go with it and make it happen and then it will work, yet seeing and realizing the mind as I am facing it now will be equal within everyone else and thus as I face my point I will be able to support and assist others to also see that what seems crazy and impossible and even radical is simply pre-programming holding us back from breaking through our fears. And as long as what we are doing is within self-honesty one and equal to our expression sanding within such a point will be natural and not a fighting and reactive process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT believe in myself and my potential within me for creating change and effecting this world for a better world that is best for all life. And to within this hold back so much and so many times in fear, in self-judgement, in insecurities and so much mind shit that I have never even given myself a chance to stand up and show my head in the crowds for something different, something that will NOT immediately been smiled upon, yet if I stand as me as my expression in passion and obsolete principle of what’s best for all life, I will be guided one and equal and bear the fruits one and equal.

To end it off – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this WAY bigger than what it is within my mind, as the mind tend to already place oneself in the Famous seat in the spotlight, which is a false idea and not and Ideal way to approach anything in expectations, Be here in breathe moving direct within physical reality and no illusions.






Day 601 - My Eqafe Hangout Day 4 of 21

For tonight, I have an Eqafe Hangout that I participated in, I will post the link here.



Please, take an Hour to watch somthign different than the usual series, or movie that the system provides, also take a look at the Interview we are talking about here in the hangout.

The Quantum time illusion - https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-quantum-time-illusion-part-11

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the MIND is MINE and that I can be a MINE that mines my own physical body as much as I want to, not realizing and seeing that what I accept and allow within me, I am also accepting and allowing within this world, and If I can not even stop myself then how can I expect myself to stop what is being done on a global scale and change this world to a place that is Best for all life, as heaven on earth, as my actual true desire that I have denied myself since I was a child, but suppressed it and gave into living as a Mind Zombie only consuming life.


Day 600 – I am Capable of anything, am I? Day 3 of 21



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my imagination of what I am capable of when and as I hear the words, or read the words – you are capable of anything, where I go into an alternate reality and totally disregard the reality that is here and who I am within and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am capable of anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I am capable of anything to distract me from reality and what is here as who I am and the actual physical limitations, challenges that I deal with daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disbelieve that I am capable of anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the disbelieve more than the belief, as the disbelief enforces my limitations, yet the belief takes me beyond my limitations and into imagination, and thus I see it isn’t a matter of believing but to live the words and to check it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a struggle between what my mind shows me I am capable of and what I am actually capable of within the physical reality, where what my mind is showing me looks so easy and real and accomplish able, yet when I move and direct the physical reality there are so much more that I haven’t considered or looked at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be effected by the words – you are capable of anything – and to within this effect take myself to a positive polarity within me where I end up only hitting negatives in friction with this polarity and so give up on myself. Instead of being real with myself, seeing how can I in fact live the words – I am capable of anything, and to first and foremost realize that I am capable of anything and everything and this includes first developing, teaching and practicing and training and integrating what is necessary for me to be capable of anything and everything which includes anything and everything I must walk and face to stand as those living words.

Thus I see and realize that I missed the words completely in practicality, as I was hearing them within energy as imagination, and so when I look and see the word as living word, I can see that – I am capable of anything – implies everything that is required and inclusive of the process to be walked to actually live and stand as the words – I am capable of anything, and to not give up following an imagination as a vision of what the words imply and means as an end result, completely missing the journey that is inclusive of ANYTHING, and only through walking the journey to I become capable in fact.

Day 599 – there is NO happy ending pre-programmed Day 2 of 21




Excuse me if this blog comes through as angry or aggressive or whatever else you as the reader may experience, but this is how I talk in real life sometimes with people about these matters. Just not with energy behind it. The words and how I express them really brings the reality of the points forth for me to not fall in any illusion about what I am saying.

I found this hidden point within me, where I still believe that there is somehow a happy ending at the end of all of this, what if there is no happy ending, what if the only possible way for any happy ending is literally if everyone walks the Desteni Process? Then we are currently fucked. Haha (just a point of consideration) not to demotivate, but instead to motivate. To realize the commitment and walking and standing of myself. There is NO ending to this till we all have CREATED a happy ending, not waiting for pre-programming to lay out a happy ending that requires us to wait, which shows what? We are fucked, because then we are just going the same way as now. No different. And it starts with self-forgiveness, self –correcting, becoming the Virus of correction within one’s own life and environment for LIFE, oneness and equality as a living example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if there is going to be a fucking happy ending as the movies has taught me how shit works, no matter how shitty it gets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a happy ending for me in this story called LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if everything is going to be okay for ME ONLY, while BILLIONS suffer on this exact same planet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can live my life and forget about everything else in this world because there is apparently NO matter what I do a fucking happy ending at the end of this story of mine.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realEYES that Death is everyone’s ending and it isn’t happy, and at death we do not leave the shit behind that we have accepted and allowed as ourselves as this world, as above so below, as within so without, there is NO fucking escaping and no happy ending UNLESS I give up the mind and stand as life for all life in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the illusions that has been sold to me on TV and Movies where no matter how much war or fighting or struggling happens there is always a ending where shit is happy and working again, which is not what will happen in this planet in reality, how the fuck do you reverse the damage you have done to your MOTHER earth? It requires YEARS if not decades of correction and deliberate change, there is NO fucking magical way to fix it, there is no government that is going to fix it, there is no secret society that is going to fix it, there is YOU and me waking up and fixing it right now and HERE as we are capable but we have a problem, the mind is in the way, it is our fucking god. We can’t stop consuming, we can’t stop even the thoughts, and how are we going to change? Where is this happy ending?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a fairy tale movie that has been sold to me where the end of the world is coming closer but somehow I can remain calm, somehow I still believe that there is a fucking happy ending????

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as a happy ending at all, when a child can be sold as a sex slave and be raped to death by the age of 7, where is the fucking happy ending?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be a happy ending ONLY for me, what a selfish cunt, while my mother earth is dying, in fact I can see it, there is no place or space for a happy ending, MY fucking earth that I live on is being molested and raped by the people that gives power to the systems that are here, you and me. Take responsibility.

I forgive myself that haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the TRUE extend to what we are fucked and that there is NO happy ending in this story, it isn’t pre-programmed and I cannot rely on a pre-written script to just play on everyday as who I am as what I live and what I stand for as self-interest and the mind, I must stand up HERE not tomorrow, I must reach my fellow humans NOW not tomorrow, I must stand as the change HERE not tomorrow, I must stand as LONG as it takes till there is a fucking happy ending created and here, but the signs for that is so slim and non-visible – there is no hope at all, get real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in an isolated fairy tale where I can blind myself to reality and live only for my happy ending, yet missing everything that is burning and suffering around me, as if my happy ending is the ending LOL, after every happy “ending” the story continues and the shit is still here and I must stand up and face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE up for the sake of a happy ending just for me and to forget about all of me as earth/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about everything and to only focus on my fairy-tale happy ending. Till something happens to me, then I suddenly want to change shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that IF I do not stand and give up my fairy-tale idea/dream pre-programmed shit then I cannot expect anyone else to do so, and thus I am accepting and allowing the end of Life as we know it with everyone else, for illusion happy endings.




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