continuing from day 473 - insecurity and part of my story part 1
In my previous blog I gave a brief example of how I have come to realize my insecurity within me through certain events happening within my environment.
Now I want to touch on the point of what is here with me now as insecurity. Something off topic that I would like to share as well.
When we accept and allow any feeling/emotion or experience within as true and valid, we don’t just accept and allow that feeling/emotion or experience as just that, we are in that moment accepting and allowing ourselves to not literally shape and create ourselves and our reality according to that acceptances and allowance.
So looking at insecurity I can see within myself and within my reality how I have Limited myself to quite an extend within what I do, how I live, what I am willing to do and how I have through the acceptance and allowance of the insecurity to literally create my life.
I am going to share a few general points that one can maybe relate to to see how this effects one’s life within accepting and allowing any feeling/emotion or experience to be taken as real and valid and given power.
From my past decisions I had to make in life I made them from a point of first accessing myself, if I like a certain girl or sport or hobby or friend for example in school, I will first access myself and then see if I am a fit within myself for the topic, the assessment that I make is bias as it is based on personal self-created opinions I have about myself, of which one of the influences of decision making will be insecurity, am I insecure or not.
Now what within one’s own mind determines the insecurities? How did the insecurities end up in there, how were they determined, what made them real within one’s own mind.
This is what I want to explore and get to, why am I insecure within certain parts of my life, in fact the most important parts of life.
When I look self –honestly at how and why I am insecure within certain parts of my life I can see the word comparison – for me to be insecure I had to have something outside of myself that influenced me which I then accepted and allowed obviously to be the influence, and then I used that comparison.
Lets take sport for example – I see hundreds of other kids doing sports, I now compare myself to how they are doing it and how I am doing it, within this I then create a comparison where I scale myself, either low medium or high, and if its in the low I will be insecure about the certain sport and doing it – thus make a decision to not do it, even if the point of the sport is for fun and not always winning. Thus limiting my life to what I can and can not do, and thus really making life decisions in that instance that effect my entire life just within the sporting region.
If I look at girls within my schooling years – how come I was insecure around girls and thus shy to ask them out or to just be with them, because there was always a few boys who seemed to dame comfortable – and they usually had money and things and status just by the family they come from, or it could be the other way around, a poor guy that has a lot of confidence because he has nothing to lose for example so he takes the chances.
So I had many instance to compare and to in the moment judge myself and to then decide within myself – am I going to be insecure or confident and do it.
I usually chose insecure at this age, later on it changed. But it changed in a deceptive way.
I will expand on the relationship point a bit more because it is such a big point in this world. I never went for the girls I liked – because I liked them from afar lol – and in my mind I always liked the pretty girls with a good status in school, suppose it’s like that for many. So in my mind the girl is everything I am not, because it’s all judgments and comparisons within my mind based on assumption, contact never happened.
So I will just spy and look and become a Intel guy, finding everything out I can about the girl, to compare myself even more and more, to make sure that what I fear is true, that she is too good for me. Deliberately creating the insecurity through, to use the insecurity to never act, I am just not confident, the other guys can do it, just look at them, they just know how to, the girls just like them naturally, I feel like I have to work for it and prove it, it isn’t naturally me as it seems like to be for the other guys.
So I create this entire mind job for myself, where all my Intel and information is literally just gathered from observation and then speaking to myself within my own mind – well that’s pretty stupid isnt it, because my own perspective on things is really limited, I can only give myself perspective as far as my own knowledge and information go, which is dame limited – yet that’s also not the point, why speculate and compare in one’s own mind when it would take five minutes to face reality and find out for real the facts – see that’s the point I feared.
Because reality isn’t just reality – it comes with me facing my internal reality as well, it comes with facing what’s happening within me while I am physically facing the point – like actually talking to the girl, so much back chat on what could happen, what if, should I or should I not, it is intense inside, yet if the internal shit did not exist I do see how it would be completely different, this is what I realized later on the other guys have already realized, but through their parents. Because each house hold is different a lot of boys already at a young age interacted with girls through social events, families and their friends, I never got that, yet this could have also just happened at the social event.
To be continued.