Day 5 – Reactive behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad when and as I go into reactive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into reactive behavior judge myself as already being too late to stop the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into reactive behavior of what some has said, where I got triggered to react and to in that moment not feel like I can hold myself back, go into the energy and possession of the energy and to follow the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I follow the energy of being in a reactive possession believe that it is good, that it has a point and to within that get carried away and speak and behave in a way that I cannot take back what I have said or done, and so go into the feeling of now it is too late, I have fucked up, and to start identifying myself with the reactive behavior as who I am and that I am now bad and cannot change and so already create the next reactive behavior moment where I will now trust this behavior and believe that behavior is good for me, because it allowed me to let a lot of things out where I feel good yet disregarded the other person or people within my behavior. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in reactive behavior to believe that this reactive behavior has come up for a reason and thus it must have a point, and thus act out the point and impose this reactive behavior onto others, when in fact the point was for me to stop the reactive behavior and to take a look at what someone else has said and why that made me react and what is the point within me that I need to look at and that it has nothing to do with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into a reaction where my behavior changes, my voice changes, my beingness changes and I start resonating off a certain energy of dominance, self-righteousness to FLAG this as a red flag, to not go into it, to not speak further, to rather stop, breathe and low down, see what is here within me, and to within this FIRST sort out myself and then only speak, if I find I am unable to in that moment stop, I commit myself to not speak, to not say a thing until I have taken the point back to myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm and hurt others with my words and my physical behaviors that change in how I hold myself with my words and through what I am saying by accepting and allowing to take on this reactive behavior as who I am and that it means something, that it has a point. 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the harm that I cause when and as I go into reactive behavior when and as someone else says something that activated reactions within me, that is of me inherently, and to within that take my personal point and super impose it onto the other person and to within this disregard the other person completely and thus hurt them, harm them in ways that I do not understand as I was possessed and consumed only within y own energies only thinking about myself and not what is best for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mean and ugly when and as I go into the reactive behavior and to within this take on a totally new and different character that I do not like, yet I play the character and afterwards I do not know myself and can only them play into a polarity game of how I feel and how I make others feel the whole time, always trapping myself between good and bad and never standing as me as life one and equal as clarity and as best for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and believe that when and as I am within a reactive point as my behavior that I am acting out that I am in some point of power and thus within this attach and learn and believe that this reactive behavior gives me power and so start to enjoy and fear it at the same time, as it can be unpredictable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within the point of playing out reactive behavior and to allow it, to go into it, to NOT stop it, and to then create consequences that I yet do not understand but will have to live through and feel it and learn and see it, instead of seeing and realizing that real power is here within me t STOP the reactive behavior and to breathe and to rather be still till I am clear and only speak once I am here as what is best for all and not my own personal reaction and personal points of flushing my shit out onto another.

The Fear you have before you have the Ability to Respond Day 605, Day 8 of 21

This is a follow up on my previous blog, I simply pinpointed the exact phrase that placed everything in perspective for me on what I need to focus on within today's self – forgiveness.

Do you know of what emotion I am speaking of, an ever so slight reaction that become so sharp as if it is taking your breath away, piercing from your solar plexus through into your chest, especially if there is a point of conflict coming, or perceived, as if an expectation will come to life that you feared. Not fearing the other people or person, but rather your ability to respond, where when this experience comes up within you, it is as if you lose all confidence, all common sense, all basics and the mind goes into reactive behavior, a flight or fight mode, as if everything of and about you is on the line. Even basic principles one stand and live by as a guideline is missing. Well this is the experience that I have had for a very long time in my life, since I was a young child. And now I have finally seen that all it is, is me not breathing and giving the mind Authority, and this giving takes a split second to happen and then its downhill from there, as showing that before I wasn’t breathing already, I was existing as a character, a personality already before that has everything to lose as a mind consciousness system. So here I go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the sudden sharp reactive emotion that comes up within me in moments that is of fear of my ability to respond and stand, where I see I hate this sudden sharp reaction because it is showing to me that I am in the mind and not breathing within the physical here walking real time, even when I believe I am not in the mind, this experience is showing to me what I am still accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t seen and realized that this sudden sharp reaction that starts subtle but then become sharp is but only supporting me and not actually meaning anything in terms of what I am connecting the experience to, but that it is simply showing me that I am in the mind and thus of the mind as personality and thus have something to fear, and so I see and realize that when and as this reaction comes up that I do not have to participate within it, I can simply breathe and let go of the mind and the experience and to the Give to me in and as the physical the ability to respond through anchoring myself within principle, within basics, within breath and all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to the mind when and as the mind is telling me that I am not able to respond, that I am weak, that I am lesser, that I must now fear my words as they will be in defense of my personality, and so respond within a reactive manner that bears only word of self-interest and ego, no matter how good they may sound, no matter how much reasoning they have, they are done so in the name of the mind and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on actually breathing as soon as I start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not focus on my breathing and to not actually stop any and all thoughts feelings and emotions, where I have taken on a certain emotion of being and defined that as me being in breathe, until I have a moment where this is revealed to me that is of a sudden sharp reaction going through my solar plexus into my chest (breath) and where I am completely dis-empowered and actually harming myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually breathe and focus on breathing as my process walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I have again created a certain character that can be called the pretending to breathe character” where this character stakes on a stance of I am breathing, yet it is just a character and not breathing in fact, as this character is till protecting and participating in ‘JUST” thoughts and feelings and emotions that is seen as okay to have and give attention to and that nothing will come of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into characters that I have seen as “me breathing” and to not question these characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must walk and talk and act a certain way to be in this breathing character to be able to say YES I am breathing because look I am in this character. As if I am following a image of myself as being the physical representation of a mind within my mind, that must be still looking, quiet and so forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify any character that I take on for why I am not breathing in fact for real dealing with my internal reality within self-forgiveness consistently as my rebirth process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT consider the actual implications of actually breathing and that the characters I play and take on now as if they are Breathing characters are not real and still enslavement and that to actually breathe has no pre-programming, it has no style, no habit, no pattern, not thoughts, feelings and emotions guiding anything, it does not even have time. Yet functions perfectly normal within the physical reality because breathe is actually in alignment with physical reality and NOT the mind.

Day 529 - fear is an interesting emotion

 

fear is an interesting emotion. It is almost a consistent feeling we anticipate/expect within our realities. For example when a snake comes along people freak out, as if the response was already there in a fear just lashing out and screaming and wanting to harm and kill in Fear of what the person fear can maybe happen. I have observed fear in slow motion, specifically with a snake and me handling a wild snake. The fear isn't my own as I can see it come from a pre response that I integrated from my parents and others when I was young, yet I accepted the fear as my own. You should see how a snake respond to people who has fear. The more fear the more the snake becomes aggressive and actually only then put everyone in danger. Blaming the snake. Meantime our fear creates what we fear and it isn't even our fear. We were taught the fear. If we react about or towards something with fear then we can know that we have been living in fear the whole time. That something is just revealing what we exist as

Day 520 - A state of reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any reaction I have towards someone else is or can be valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards others and what they say or how they say it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I have a reaction towards someone that I must follow the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take self-responsibility for my reactions within me towards others when they either say or do something that I find offensive, believing that I must defend myself and thus react from a starting point of vengeance, getting back at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally that is being discussed or said about me and to within this “taking it personally” as me defining myself through what others say about or towards me and to within this react in fear of what is being said towards or about me being true and/or correct – as the reaction is showing me that I must breathe and be here physically as only the mind as energy wants to defend itself and its self-definition as a personality that relies on others only seeing certain parts of me and not the whole of me that I also belief as the mind that this “whole” of me is true and correct and thus if anything anyone else says about me can or may expose this “whole” of me – the mind, and thus a reaction as a defense mechanism takes place to give way for energy as the mind to take over the physical and to remove all common sense and self-honesty and only to keep the mind in place as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reactions to be normal within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reactions as something that is pointing out to me that I must act NOW because this feeling inside of me is telling me to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that the words that is within me when I am within a reaction that I see as reason and logic MUST be spoken or this reaction within me that is holding all this seemingly valid information will be lost and that I will lose if I do not let the reaction out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I am within a reaction that the words that I want to speak is what the reaction is all about, seeing and realizing that the reaction is actually something deeper, and if I give to myself a moment to breath and let go of the reaction that I can see what is beneath the surface that the reaction is actually coming from, and that if I speak the words that is within/from the reaction then I miss the opportunity to actually see what is here and for me to correct myself and take self-responsibility for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and to within this react – seeing and realizing that reactions is showing me where I am still existent within self-interest as a personality that can take things personally and that exist only to defend itself and its own interest at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal towards a certain person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against someone when they say something that I am reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about the other person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying or doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty and create gossip about/towards someone that has said or done something that I reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of anticipating my environment to “make me react, seeing and realizing that this is actually my living in a consistent state of reaction within and towards my environment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me living within a consistent subtle movement of energy within me makes me by nature reactive, and thus anything and anyone can at any time activate the reaction that is already existent within me, which comes from me existing within a BUBBLE of my mind that is my space and my personal wants and needs and whenever the environment enters this bubble there is something going to pop within me.

I commit myself, to check myself, to check if I am here breathing, or if I am within a state of energy as self-interest, from the moment I wake up, and to within this align myself to open myself to LIFE and all that is here and all and any possibilities in any given moment, and to be flexible and expand myself to move myself and to give myself the ability to respond to my environment instead of reacting within my environment as a personality attempting to remain within self-interest.

I commit myself to change, change that is actual change where take the stance of BEING able to respond within my reality instead of reacting towards and within my reality to anything or anything or anyone that might just come into my bubble, and to remove my bubble by myself and to stop this forceful way of others bursting my bubble just because I am keeping it there instead of removing it, and to make life a FLOW for myself and my environment.

I commit myself to give myself to LIFE and to let go of personal, to stand as life and to respond in each moment as LIFE would do and not as how I as a mind as a sensitive bubble would do that only causes discord.

I commit myself to burst my own bubble of “personal and to open myself up to life and to receive LIFE in each moment as what is here as life and to respond within my ability accordingly within self-honesty and common sense.

I commit myself to let go of all my own rules and laws and logic within my mind that keeps up my bubble as my personal mind personality and to fucking really be free, to give this freedom to myself where I am able to response within my reality as ME as me being the director and not to be directed by all these mind logic/reasons and thinking of why I must be so limited and protecting myself and preserving myself for something else and to what others are allowed to ask of me or not or say about me or towards me or not, all these petty things that I place onto myself to limit myself and create this secret internal reality that inflates this bubble that surrounds me that keeps LIFE out and the mind in.

Day 519 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 9

When I came to the Farm back in 2008 in June, I brought with me R700 as pocket money. This was money I worked for, I earned it the hard way, I used to be a waiter, and I always tried to get double shifts to make extra money, so to me this last R700 was a lot of money.

Every time I open my wallet, I would look through my notes (money) just to generate this feeling of freedom and security within me, it made me feel like I have power, I have free will and choice.
After the first two weeks on the farm, all my money was gone, it was finished – I smoked back then, so smokes and essentials took my money quickly.

So, suddenly I had NO money, I had this consistent fear/anxiety within me regarding my stance within this world and who I am. I felt powerless and bound, basically the opposite to how I felt when I had money.

So I learned a lot of lessons quickly – first of all I realized I have NO idea what money is and how it works, I do not even know the value of money, I mean, I saw R700 as a lot, what does that reveal about my training from home and school regarding money, once I hit the real world by myself – POOF my money is gone, see my parents used to buy almost everything for me, and I used to only use my money for partying and my own entertainment. This quickly changed.

So in my crisis of having no money, I had a discussion with Bernard – Bernard said that I can stay and live on the farm if I work on the farm, do labor and maintenance as a start, and for this a room is provided, food is provided and reasonable comfortable life, plus pocket money, all basics will be met and a little bit more. I agreed to this with a massive smile – Because I LOVE physical work, I enjoy it, I live for it, so here I was able to do what I enjoy and have no worry about my basics being met – But Bernard added in, everything you see here and what we are building, comes from money that I made, I worked my ass off to start this and so that we can fucking change this world (with my dad present still at this time)

So here I was, with nothing, no money, and there is Bernard the complete opposite – my mind was blown once again, as my idea about money got changed very quickly.

One man worked his ass off, for many years in a business that he started, then stopped it, changed his course in life 180 degrees and have enough money to start a movement that will change the world forever. Even allow others from all over the world to come and visit and stay here for months and even years, being supported by the farm, by money Bernard made in the past – but every person that came/comes here, came/comes with a purpose, as the purpose of the farm was/is to support and assist as many as possible and to create a centered point for this movement that IS global, as a foundation and stability point.

But Bernard said, the only way to test if the people that start walking their process and that commit to changing this world to a place that is best for all life is and will be REAL in fact, is if the money I have created to start all of this runs out, and that this (Desteni) and all its branches continues by each and every individuals self-honest participation and understanding of how money works. If not then at least we know we have removed those that pretend and didn’t mean to change anything.

Back then it was kind of confusing what Bernard said, but after his money ran out and after his death – Desteni is still here, alive and moving forward by the will and participation of dozens/hundreds of individuals around the world. Now that’s what you can call real growth. I mean it must be proven in the physical.

It’s like removing the training wheels from a child’s bike and the child just continues driving – the development from there on is limitless.

I learned that Money is required to do anything and to bring change to this world, without it I will only be begging for change on the corner of a street – I also learned that R700 is NOTHING, I require at least 700 Billion to really impact this world.

I also learned that it is about HOW I use money, is it for what is best for all life in support of all life, or just for my entertainment, that’s the value I give the money, I can spend R20 here on smokes and R50 on sweets and R70 on a pizza, Or I can spend that money on supporting life and I will see the Value of the money suddenly meaning something more than my entertainment – because as long as money remains a point of entertainment within my mind, for my own self-interest, the value of money will always seem like nothing, but the moment I am seeing the value of money as the key to changing this world, Money suddenly has a value far beyond my own self-interest. And thus I will stop aiming for just the next pay check to buy smokes or candy or a drink, but to push myself to make millions/billions as it will contribute to changing this world. My aim naturally goes to LIFE.

As long as I do not understand money and how to deal/work with it and the effects ever cent has, I will always be a slave to money and my self-interest points towards it, looking at money as only a source for consumption for self-interest.

I also learned that as long as I live in scarcity towards money as my relationship towards money I will hold on to money and start having less and less – as I become self-preservative instead of expanding and promoting abundance within myself and not fear/stress – as who I am within/towards money starts reflecting in my reality. Because when we live in fear of not having money we start to spend our money stupid and can’t seem to see where it goes.

NO matter what, I must have NO feelings or emotions towards money – I must always stand in self-honesty and common sense within and towards money within myself and see it for what it actually is and to make decision with money that is always best for all life, promoting growth and expansion that is best for all life.

Day 518 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 8

In the beginning of my process I had many struggles, but like all guys in the system, our minds are wired and intertwined with and for sex, so this was an obvious point I was facing in my reality.

The point in relation to sex wasn’t just sex, but with what “type” of girls I would like to have sex with.
So me going into an agreement back then, my first Agreement and still my one and only agreement (smiles) – I had to face many points within my agreement with my partner, especially sex.
So the point I faced within sex was the “image” point – as my partner didn’t meet the Image of my MIND and what my mind wanted and find stimulating.

So sex within my agreement wasn’t nessasarely flowing, as the image I needed to stimulate me for sex wasn’t met.

So this became a depressing point within me, and within my agreement, and it was quit noticeable.
So one day, Bernard walked into my room while I was sitting by my computer – and he just asked as usual, what’s up, and I as usual said, oh nothing much (me assuming Bernard is asking me what I am physically doing) and thus giving a response to what I assume. Then Bernard out of the blue started talking to me about what is attraction, what is an Image – my mind was blown, WOW, how did Bernard know to talk about this point, like I haven’t mentioned anything, in fact I made it a point within myself to hide it and make sure Bernard does not see it lol.

But he did, and in a quick few moment Bernard asked me straight forward, IS that which you are attracted to within women truly your Decision? I paused for a moment and I said, NO within self-honesty, Because I looked at the question of is it truly my decision, and all I could see within my mind was Media/porn/TV/magazines and influences from men/males that has gone before me.

And then Bernard asked me straight forward again – so where does your LIKES and DISLIKES come form towards women then? And I said well, magazines/TV/porn/media etc

Then Bernard said to me – so it is clearly not YOU that made the decision of what you like, NOW realize that if you see this, you still have that decision to make – just look at when you were a child, even a baby – there was NO judgment and enjoyment in playfulness was possible with anyone, no matter their size or shape.

So within sex, you can really decide in every moment what you like, you can as a suggestion decide to LIKE all shapes and sizes, NO limitation, NO judgments – then you can truly enjoy yourself – isn’t that actually the only decision you can make.

After Bernard said all that, my mind was still blown, so simple YET so fucking true, the common sense is staggering, the self-honesty is so simple and direct – how could I not have seen this before.
Then Bernard said, to support yourself to walk through the point of falling for the attractions of the mind, imagine everyone as skeletons, realize that if the flesh is removed what remains is skeleton, and if everyone is a skeleton, how would you make a decision on what you like or dislike, you can’t, you simple walk what is best for all and enjoy yourself.

This moment took like 5min, and it changed my life forever – I realized I can decide, and I said fuck media and all the past influences, I want to enjoy myself, I got angry for a moment at the system for all the bullshit influences that has limited and screwed with all my relationships for such a long time, but I realized soon enough I was just angry at myself, took a breath and moved on, I was now in the authority point of just enjoying myself in sex as a physical expression, it took practice and time, but it was fun and I got over any and all other attraction that would usually have distracted me or that was needed to stimulate me, now what was my stimulation was ME – physical touch and breathing, not the form of a body size or image.

Day 517 – more on the point of expectation/expectations

Let’s start with basics

after the basics of showing how expectations are in literally everything and behind our every belief/Idea/opinion and that it isn’t good or bad, remove that motion, this is about understanding the point, and then I will get to the creational point where expectations INSIDE ourselves in our immediate reality/moment create the moment realities without us even knowing it or being fully aware of the secret shit.

Every belief is an expectation
Every opinion is an expectation
Every Idea is an expectation

Isn’t it?

It cannot be that way, it is impossible – a belief is a belief, an opinion is an opinion, an Idea is an Idea – really?

Quickly belief something or in something - Obviously the reason behind the belief is to expect something?

Quickly have an opinion for me - Obviously the reason for an opinion is the expect something; why else do you have the opinion? Don’t tell me just to have an opinion, you are expectation to win or to gain or to feel or something.

Quickly have an Idea for me (about ANYTHING) – now obviously you are having an Idea with an expectation behind it, why else do you have the idea, just to have an idea?

Let’s go a bit deeper – I have an opinion about smoking is bad – first of all is it an opinion or a fact? – if you claim it is a fact then you are also expecting something from that fact, if it is an opinion then obviously you are expecting something from that opinion – either way you are expecting something for why you say for example smoking is bad or not bad – you are expecting something, either it means you can smoke and it reliefs you from dreadful thoughts on what the smoke might do to your lungs – well there is your expectation for having for example an opinion on why smoking isn’t bad – if you go with that it is a fact that smoking is bad, well you are expecting for example for others to now stop smoking and look to you for example as being an example of the one knowing better and their “facts” so to say.

Let’s look at belief – I belief that there is a god – this should be quite obvious what the expectations are, either go to heaven or go to hell, those are the two expectations – or another belief rather – I belief that this person in front of me is short, the expectation obviously is that you now expect others to see you are tall or taller, why else would you have a random belief of someone being short, or it the person in fact short? I mean fact or belief, there is an expectation, if the person is in fact short, then you must as yourself in comparison to what? 7 billion other people all being different in size? So what’s the expectation from such a fact, well I expect myself to be considered tall then and not as short, therefore I am better – the expectation being “I am better” or perhaps I am more lucky.

Now lets look at Ideas – I have an Idea, lets change the world – well that expectation is pretty obvious, the expectation it a better world – I have an idea about how to build a car port better, with the expectation obviously being that the car port will be better – Ideas is quit an easy one, every single Idea leads to an expectation.

SO the major question then remains, what is behind the expectation, why do we have beliefs or Ideas or opinions about or over any and everything – but more importantly – how does expectations for example determine how you pick up a spoon to eat your cereal, how your expectations literally can influence and create physical vents and manifestation in your immediate reality, ones that you aren’t even aware of.

Stay tuned for the next Blog going in deeper.

Day 516 – One word changed my life

For the past three weeks I have walked this point every single day – I have successfully incorporated and still doing so one word that has changed my life in the most unexpected ways. I will convey this in this blog and perhaps you can do the same.

Before I give you the word, I need to first say the following: ALL my life I have lived in fear, I have blamed fear and I have believed fear to be the one thing that keeps me back that is creating my world and thus not creating what I actually want to create, because fear is just there around every corner – so it seems that fear is the culprit.

BUT – never have I really looked at what is behind fear, what is there behind fear pushing fear in front of my eyes and inside of me, I mean fear doesn’t just happen, it is something that is created.
So one day I was just looking at this point in a moment with my son, it really took me a moment to breath and to really see inside of myself, my son was about to do something that was deemed wrong or not good from inside my mind as what I was programmed with – so I was preparing myself to stop my son, to say NO – and what happened? Exactly what I EXPECTED from my son.

There is the word – EXPECTATIONS/expect

SO I noticed this moment in slow motion, I truly lived it and I was present in the participation of it, But I did not say stop or no, I instead talked to my son about what is happening. But this story isnt the point, it is the realization the moment of clarity that I had and opened up my reality to a whole new level of interaction.

EXPECTATIONS

Before you have any reaction or any fear you first have an expectation within yourself, a thought, a memory – then the fear backs it up, making it so real, fear is like the reinforcement of the expectation. It will happen, most expectations do not happen that you are having consciously, but it is the unconscious one, these are the ones I am looking at, breathing slowly and catching them, taking a moment to see what’s really underneath, and they are all about YOU and what you can practically live and do, not about what the next lotto ticket is or who will win a soccer game.

Expectation is simply the word that describe this, it is the word that you can hold inside of yourself throughout your day and see how you are creating your day EXACTLY as you are expecting it to be, no more and no less – then you have two polarities that back the expectation up, reinforce it, either a positive or a negative, the fear or the love, without the expectation there is nothing the fear or love can latch onto, so then it is just simply you have breathing and dealing with HERE.

I have now taken the word expectation and I have applied it within every moment of my day as a cross reference – when I wake up, what is my first expectation of the morning/day – when I start moving and doing things, it is literally everywhere and I have now seen for myself, what I expect is what I get/create – unfortunately I am like everyone else programmed mostly in the negative and polarized by a positive, so it usually jumps between the two, I simply have to see my creation process in between and I am using the word expectation to highlight each and every moment to show my.

What is expectation, it is the past reoccurring literally, you expect it you create it, and it’s always the past, so it is always reinforced by fear.

So let me make it more clear, why use the word expectation/expectations to reflect and see the point, take a look, whatever you do or before you do it, there is behind the fear an expectation/expectations, and if you take each expectation it is as if you are opening up a story book, you can see what is going to happen and when and where and what characters must be involved and how the interactions must take place and then what the outcome will be as expected. Basically you can already SEE within your expectation the LINE of creation that you are about to live and this gives you the insight to change, stop and realize your expectation is literally creating what is happening or what is going to happen you have already written the story within the expectation.

So just for one day, wake up and hold the word expectation within you, and see what it reveals in each moment and see how you can decide from there on NOT to live that expectation and change. Using breathing common sense and self-honesty always within what is best for all life.

This is why the world isn’t changing, because we all have secretly already created the expectation that the world is going to end, and just look at it, we are literally living that expectation, I mean how can you live anything else than what you are expecting. So do not focus too much on fear, it is what is behind the fear as the expectation that needs addressing.

Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

A pattern that keeps on crawling out whenever I am in conversations, either within commenting or speaking, I go into defensive mode. Why do I always do it, I ask myself, I always fuck up the conversations I have when and as I respond to someone’s - well more of react, and then there is regret. Regret is when it is to late and the consequences is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what other people say when and as I interact with them in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people within conversations I have with them within the expectation of that I will not be understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what other people say when and as I interact with them in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start conversations with other people from the starting point of defending what I am saying, seeing and realizing that within this starting point I am showing other people thaat there is a point to attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to defend myself within conversations I have with people, seeing and realizing that this has a origin point of why I have a belief that I must defend myself always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this pattern was created within my past as memories/experiences that I have had within the past that I have defined myself as.

Memory:

Here I see the general memory where as a child when and as I brought up issues or things within my life the people that looked after me simply shoved off whatever I said, because I am just a kid, I do not know what I am talking about, I just have to stay quiet, I have no say because the adults are talking, I am just me @gian@ and nothing more and thus my voice does not matter.

And through this I see how I have created the pattern of having to make things personal and dramatic and as it turns out it always only ended up being emotional conflict situations, I have through this learned to fear these situations because they always ended up only leaving me a loser or disappointed and not directing points, It became a battle of who wins and who loses and the prize was feeling good, empowered and like I have achieved something, yet it was actually to the contrary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being shoved off as being irrelevant within conversations and to within this fear respond to people in conversations within a reactive way to make myself seem bigger and impose what I am saying onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a dramatic entrance into conversations to make myself bigger and to not be shoved off as being irrelevant and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as worthless and not worthy to be part of conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a worthless component within the conversation on the topic I am participating within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and identify my word as being worthless within conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond within conversations from the fear of that my fears might come true as being seen as worthless and not worthy within the conversations taking place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have been reacting towards thoughts of fear within my mind that comes from memories/experiences of the past, seeing and realizing that as I react to the thoughts and then respond to them that I am re-creating the past in the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have created experiences/memories through past events as a child and a teenager that I have attached negative energetic emotions to that I have placed within my mind as something to fear and avoid, and to within this when and as I have the thought of where I see myself being brushed of as not being worthy and being worthless within the conversation to respond in a way that attempts to avoid me being seen as worthless and to within this make it a dramatic and personal conversation instead of sticking to common sense and what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have experienced within the past within confrontational conversations must be who I am, seeing and realizing that I decide if that is so or not and thus I can stop and forgive myself and re-create myself and re-align myself within what is best for all life and re-design myself through removing the experiences and the energy connections I have made and to stop the thoughts when and as they come up and to not follow the thoughts as being real, as they are not.



Ok I am going to write out the pattern to see it, so that I can stop this self sabotaging pattern that isn’t best for me or all life, as what I am talking about and always responding about is the world and the problems and shining the light on that which people do not want to hear - equality and oneness as the solution.

Pattern.

I am sitting in front of my PC, I go on facebook to see what is happening, I see a link to a news website - I am curious to what is happening in the world today, I think of how ridiculous the news can be sometimes and how stupid people can be, I see it is a south African news website, I fear participating on south African websites in discussion, south Africans are so set in stone in their cultural and religious way there is no way to get through to them.

I go to the news website, I scroll down and look around to see what is happening, I see a article about animals, the heading is interesting, I click the link and I start reading the article, as I read the article I react to certain parts I am reading about, I react to how people view animals and the comments that people leave that is so inconsiderate towards animals, all they are is bags of meat to hunt and make money off, I get pissed and angry, I feel compelled to leave a comment, I do realize that I have reacted and that I must breathe and make sure that there is no emotional reaction when I comment, I breathe and start writing a comment. As i write the comment I find myself wanting to say to much, or that there is to much I have to say in a single comment, I fear if I leave something out people won’t understand and get what I am saying and that it will end up being a mess and conflict - I try and place as much information into one comment to cover most points. I find myself feeling like I am leaving something out - I start to lose my words and the comment becomes like many points in one even off topic - I have spend some time on this comment now, I need to get going, In the time rush I click post and the comment it there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach the news with a judgmental state of mind, instead of breathing and to be here and clear so that I can see direct here and not my own judgments that is limited to my own reactions and perception as the mind as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people and how stupid they can be, seeing and realizing that this is me projecting my fear of people seeing me as stupid onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having conversations with people from my country as I have judge them a certain way and that I have set them in stone within my mind as being a certain way, seeing and realizing how I have limited myself to communicate effectively with others and all people due to the beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions I have created of them within my mind as back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I read articles to react to certain parts of the article, seeing and realizing that the reaction comes from where I have separated myself from the information and to within this write in response to the article in separation instead of one and equal as the article within that which is best for all life and not personal as a reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I react within what I read/hear within a article/conversation to feel compelled to reply or leave a comment, seeing and realizing that this is me following the energy instead of breathing and clearing myself to write a response that is best for all life within consideration of hat is here in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I feel compelled to reply or leave a comment that I am actually following through in creating and manifesting what I fear as me not being worthy of the conversation, as the response will be of a reaction and making it personal because it comes from a thought/energy movement that will create resistance and make me seem like someone that is simply rambling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I feel a energy movement within myself within a conversation to say something to make a response to rely that the energy is seeking energy and not a solution that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify making conversation just because I felt compelled to do so as I have justified within my mind that because the feeling is so strong it must mean something, seeing and realizing that only I give it meaning and thus I create it, and that I can stop the feeling/energy and instead direct myself within commenting, where the commenting isn’t based on energy that is random and our bursting but as breathe stable and here and clear and within what is best for all life.

After a while I go back to check the comment, I see the comment has a lot of likes and even more dislikes and people posting their opinions, I fear people’s opinions - I belief personal opinions of people are dangerous and poisonous because I understand that they are all based on self interest and not real, yet everyone approves of it because it supports their own point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear peoples opinions, seeing and realizing that I fear other people’s opinions because I have based my conversation on opinions instead of common sense and thus I give all opinions the power to overpower my opinion as I did not make my conversation based on what is best for all life where the conversation stands no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to conversations/articles from the starting point of personal views as opinions instead of what is best for all life, as that which is best for all life will always stand and thus as I respond with my own personal opinions on the subjects I give away my authority within the conversation to stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I fear other people’s opinions as I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as opinion instead of standing as that which is best for all life within common sense and self honesty that is always best for all life.

I react to the opinions and all the people that supported the opinions, I write another comment that is now quite personal, this is where I make my mistake, yet I continue, I feel I have to be mean to get through to them, I press post, I realize my mistakes, it is too late and I realize I have lost this battle, I wasn’t standing within common sense and what is best for all life, it has become personal and reactive, now no one will hear or see but only fight and defend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I will create a battle within any or all conversations with people when and as I challenge their beliefs/opinions and thus it is not avoidable yet I can remain stable and not make it personal and worse which is giving the other people a second chance a new slate every time to also see what I am saying and stand with or re consider their beliefs/opinions that is based on self interest and not what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize fully that my words and what I write and say will have effects and consequences either way, either within what is best for all life or against life, thus I see it is important that I stand always within what is best for all life and to not create consequences that is against life as resistance or miss-information on the topics in conversations where I am not clear.

I tell myself I will not do that again, it is not cool and is only abusive to myself and sabotaging myself, it kills the opportunity to have conversation, there may be conflict but that is still part of the actual conversation, and not just reacting and defending the whole time from both sides.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through not breathing and instead react and respond to internal experiences within conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that conversations must not have any conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid conflict within conversations and thus sabotage my words and compromise my stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and create conversations according to the desired outcome I want as a thought within my mind that is of the opposite of the fear I have, thus creating a internal struggle first within me of two polarities, seeing and realizing that all I have to do is breathe and remain here and always stand within what is best for all life and not follow internal experiences/reactions that is of self interest and not best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that all and any conversation is to win or lose, seeing and realizing that what is best for all life isn’t about winning or losing, it is to get the point across, regardless if the person listens or not, as long as the message is getting through and I stand within what I say as what is best for all life and the point isn’t open for debate of losing or winning, it is best for all life period, Yet I must stand clear within that what I speak and say is in fact best for all life and not my opinion.