Today Titan had to be put down; the decision was easy because it was what is best practical and the common sense thing to do.Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of today here – Day 146: Death of a Horse
Also to see the process of horses here with us, check out the interviews from Eqafe.
What I am going to share is, the process of me and Titan.
I came to Desteni Farm in 2008, this was the same time I started walking my Desteni Process, in the next few months in that same year I have met many new people and I have learned a lot from everyone on the farm including myself.
After being on the farm for about three months Cerise and Andrea had a talk with me in Andreas room, they were busy on the PC checking out a website with horses for sale and they came across Titan which was said to be a 8 year old horse.
They asked me if I will be willing to take responsibility for Titan if they decide to get him, they wanted to get him because they saw within the picture that he wasn’t doing so good where he was at and the story on the website was showing he wasn’t being cared for and just been transported all around and stuck in between peoples business with money.
I took a moment to decide and I said Okay I will do it, I was a bit excited and I felt within me that I was helping a horse, I was going to have my own horse!! This I never expected for myself in my life.
For a while I had some day dreaming for when I will get my horse, I saw myself training with the horse and riding the horse and being all happy with my horse, in my head it was all sunshine and good.
When the day Came that Titan arrived I was anxious, I was nervous, I did not know what to expect, I have only had cats and dogs and rats and mice and hamsters and birds during my life, they were all small and easy to take care of, this was different, it’s a big animal.
On the day of Titans arrival I saw the cars coming down the road with the trailer, as they arrived at the gate we got all the dogs locked up and opening gates, the cars came to a standstill and everyone was looking at and some into the trailer, I for some reason kept a distance and stood back and watched, mainly because to me it was the unknown and it involved me.
They then got a halter on Titan in the trailer and they placed a ramp for Titan to walk down on, then as the trailer was opened I saw this Big Skinny Wild looking horse blowing/pumping air through his nose quite hard and coming out of the back, my eyes widens and I knew that was nothing that I was expecting.
Titan was neighing quite loud, I saw his eyes in that moment, he looked straight into my eyes, I felt a sudden rush of extreme emotion, mostly sadness, and I did not even know where it came from - the sadness within me, I knew then Titan was going to reveal me back to myself a lot. Something resonated with us, and it wasn’t bad or good, it was a realness.
Titan was all Big and High with his head and like ready to take people on, it was a new environment for him, with new people and everything, I could understand that.
I kept my distance for a while and allowed other people to rather handle him while he was still new in a alert mode the whole time, I did not feel ready to work with a horse as the realness hit me, or I should say with Titan as the fantasy became real and it wasn’t the same.
After a hour or so he settled in and was calmer, we started introducing other horses to him, the other horses did not like Titan and Titan felt threatened by them, they either attacked him or he attacked them, but they ended in a seemingly good mood.
We then tried the next step after introducing Titan to the whole group all at ones - after the individual introductions that we assessed as being cool.
Then came chaos – I was all new to this, working with big animals and being direct and leading them and feeding them and cleaning them and keeping them to a lead/halter and at the same time always working on internal points such as anxiety/fear/morality/ideas/self judgments/insecurities/beliefs etc etc, because the horse wants leadership and at the same time simple companion ship.
The Chaos that came was putting Titan in the Big field with all the other horses. They all Started chasing Titan and basically hunting him down, I grabbed a stick and ran into the field chasing all the other horses quite forcefully to stop hurting Titan.
They would corner him and bite and kick him and he would try and defend himself, I was extremely emotional that day and sad. I did not know what to do, I feared it would not work out and obviously through all that happened I could see what Titan has been through in his life.
As this Chaos was happening and I was running in the field with s stick I felt powerless, because the horse run ten times faster than me, they are ten times stronger then me and I can really not stop them.
But I saw Titan in fear and stress running and all the other horse behind him and kicking at him, I knew I had to stand up for myself in that moment, I had to stand up for Titan, No one probably ever did that for him.
We eventually got it all to stop as Cerise and I and others helped, we ended it and got Titan back into Isolation from the others.
To be continued.