Day 242 – The Death of My Horse Titan Part 1

Today Titan had to be put down; the decision was easy because it was what is best practical and the common sense thing to do.
Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of today here – Day 146: Death of a Horse 

Also to see the process of horses here with us, check out the interviews from Eqafe.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part  1

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2 

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

  

What I am going to share is, the process of me and Titan.


I came to Desteni Farm in 2008, this was the same time I started walking my Desteni Process, in the next few months in that same year I have met many new people and I have learned a lot from everyone on the farm including myself.

After being on the farm for about three months Cerise and Andrea had a talk with me in Andreas room, they were busy on the PC checking out a website with horses for sale and they came across Titan which was said to be a 8 year old horse.

They asked me if I will be willing to take responsibility for Titan if they decide to get him, they wanted to get him because they saw within the picture that he wasn’t doing so good where he was at and the story on the website was showing he wasn’t being cared for and just been transported all around and stuck in between peoples business with money.

I took a moment to decide and I said Okay I will do it, I was a bit excited and I felt within me that I was helping a horse, I was going to have my own horse!! This I never expected for myself in my life.
For a while I had some day dreaming for when I will get my horse, I saw myself training with the horse and riding the horse and being all happy with my horse, in my head it was all sunshine and good.

When the day Came that Titan arrived I was anxious, I was nervous, I did not know what to expect, I have only had cats and dogs and rats and mice and hamsters and birds during my life, they were all small and easy to take care of, this was different, it’s a big animal.

On the day of Titans arrival I saw the cars coming down the road with the trailer, as they arrived at the gate we got all the dogs locked up and opening gates, the cars came to a standstill and everyone was looking at and some into the trailer, I for some reason kept a distance and stood back and watched, mainly because to me it was the unknown and it involved me.

They then got a halter on Titan in the trailer and they placed a ramp for Titan to walk down on, then as the trailer was opened I saw this Big Skinny Wild looking horse blowing/pumping air through his nose quite hard and coming out of the back, my eyes widens and I knew that was nothing that I was expecting.

Titan was neighing quite loud, I saw his eyes in that moment, he looked straight into my eyes, I felt a sudden rush of extreme emotion, mostly sadness, and I did not even know where it came from - the sadness within me, I knew then Titan was going to reveal me back to myself a lot. Something resonated with us, and it wasn’t bad or good, it was a realness.

Titan was all Big and High with his head and like ready to take people on, it was a new environment for him, with new people and everything, I could understand that.

I kept my distance for a while and allowed other people to rather handle him while he was still new in a alert mode the whole time, I did not feel ready to work with a horse as the realness hit me, or I should say with Titan as the fantasy became real and it wasn’t the same.

After a hour or so he settled in and was calmer, we started introducing other horses to him, the other horses did not like Titan and Titan felt threatened by them, they either attacked him or he attacked them, but they ended in a seemingly good mood.

We then tried the next step after introducing Titan to the whole group all at ones - after the individual introductions that we assessed as being cool.

Then came chaos – I was all new to this, working with big animals and being direct and leading them and feeding them and cleaning them and keeping them to a lead/halter and at the same time always working on internal points such as anxiety/fear/morality/ideas/self judgments/insecurities/beliefs etc etc, because the horse wants leadership and at the same time simple companion ship.

The Chaos that came was putting Titan in the Big field with all the other horses. They all Started chasing Titan and basically hunting him down, I grabbed a stick and ran into the field chasing all the other horses quite forcefully to stop hurting Titan.

They would corner him and bite and kick him and he would try and defend himself, I was extremely emotional that day and sad. I did not know what to do, I feared it would not work out and obviously through all that happened I could see what Titan has been through in his life.

As this Chaos was happening and I was running in the field with s stick I felt powerless, because the horse run ten times faster than me, they are ten times stronger then me and I can really not stop them.

But I saw Titan in fear and stress running and all the other horse behind him and kicking at him, I knew I had to stand up for myself in that moment, I had to stand up for Titan, No one probably ever did that for him.

We eventually got it all to stop as Cerise and I and others helped, we ended it and got Titan back into Isolation from the others.

To be continued.

Day 241 – Trusting the Intelligent people looking after the human race Part 1


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there are people looking after the human race and the planet we live on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are intelligent people that will say when we must stop what we are doing on earth when they see it is time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue living my life here on earth as being normal within the belief that as long as the intelligent people of this world do not say stop to me or the rest of the world that everything must be okay and I can continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people out there checking everything we are doing and that they will say STOP and that we must change when they see it is time and that before that happens I am okay and con continue living my life as if it is normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that there is no intelligent people sitting somewhere monitoring what we are doing and that will say stop when the time is ready, as we all can see we have already gone too far and nothing is being said about US that has to change, we are all simply accepting and allowing to continue destroying our earth believing we are not because there is no intelligent person saying anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the governments running the countries that run the world knows what they are doing and as long as they are not raising voice or concern we are okay and may continue abusing earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be raise in school and in life by the adults to believe that the authorities always knows best and will always speak up when it is a matter of importance, seeing and realizing that this is not so and that everything is about money so no one will speak up even in the face of our planets extinction that we are causing ourselves because that would mean losing money and power for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the life I am living in the current world to be normal just because no one intelligent is saying otherwise, seeing and realizing that within this I am abdicating my own common sense and self honesty to someone else to have the power over me and to be subject to their words as if it is always truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that everything happening on earth such as the oil usage and deforestation and ocean pollution and over fishing is being monitored by intelligent people with power and that only once they say something will it mean that we must stop and change, seeing and realizing that it is not happening and everyone is waiting for this higher intelligence to tell us to change while we can clearly see the abuse without them and to simply continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that there is no higher intelligent humans looking over us and that we are living in a monstrous system that is swallowing itself whole because there is no one driving this train and no one has ever bothered to check the driving seat and have only thus far trusted that there is someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that we are all on a train ride in this world and that we are all stuck in the idea that someone is driving this train because we know that should be common sense, yet no one bothers to check and simply HOPE that it is so and within this continue the ride as if everything will be okay, seeing and realizing that the train ride must stop somewhere as it started somewhere, but there is no one to put the brakes and we all will simply continue into our own doom of ignorance and blissfulness.

To be continued.

Day 240 – Hope


Check out my Video on Hope as-well - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjTLuIIQptM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that hope makes me blind to see what is here as reality as the facts and that no amount of hope can change that, as hope is literally the opposite of actually doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hope just to make me feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the face of facts and reality place my trust in hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that hope literally doesn’t change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that participating in hope is giving myself false ideas/beliefs about what is here and what is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within hope with the intent to not to have to see what is here in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that hope is blinding myself deliberately to that which is here, because I know what is here and that is what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within feeling and making myself feel/belief that I am powerless and cannot do anything about that which is here on earth to instead of doing something create hope as a way to hide the fear and make myself feel better about myself instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the moment I have hope I became paralyzed and Blind to see what is here and to do anything as one moment of hope will delete any and all realizations of the facts and that we need to change as hope gives the illusion that there is still time and that there is still lots of ways to get out of the shit we are in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that hope is a very dangerous thing to play with as it makes people as myself believe that we do not have to change and can still exist as we do as there is till hope apparently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that hope is a myth and not something real, as hope is implying within itself that we are not responsible and may abuse as we please because there is always a way back, not seeing and realizing that as long as hope exist we will always hope and never change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the stupidity of hoping, as hoping is saying – I can randomly do stuff even if there are practical ways to do stuff that will give results that is based on mathematical equations that can be determined - but freely choose not to do so and instead HOPE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that HOPE is a form of laziness, because instead of taking the practical time within space to do the math and to apply the math and to then live the math it is to instead skip all of that and go on hope within whatever I/you/we do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I was taught to hope instead of prevent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attaches a positive energy to the word hope s that I can get a good feeling from hoping and get addicted to hope all in the name of energy and consuming the energy of hope, because hope is like playing a daredevil game of chance that can always go either way that creates fear interpreted as excitement that is addictive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prescribe to the drug called HOPE for the sake of the experience of when hope is given/implied/indoctrinated into me which to me is saying that I am going for a ride and thus I do not have to do anything and just wait and see what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the consequences of a human race living in and of HOPE within all they do when there is facts to work with and math to calculate things with which does not require hope and will give the outcome that is wanted, yet not applied for some fucking reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as soon as hope is given I become in active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Living and participating in HOPE is actually the way and the consequence of destroying any or all changes of actual hope that was here because when there was hope and hope was given everyone was happy that there is hope and because there is hope it is implying that we are not to late yet and because we are not to late yet we do not have to change anything till it is too late and there is no hope because everyone had hope, seeing and realizing that we are at the point of NO HOPE and that it is very important that everyone understands this, so that we can stop hoping and wasting hope and start living practical ways that is mathematically equated to a solution that will fix what is here to bring about a world that is best for all life and that will and all abuse and create a world that can continue for the children of our children’s children etc etc.

I commit myself to show that hope is a drug that paralyzes people from moving themselves to bring about actual real change.

I commit myself to show that hope is a illusion in the face of the facts that people prefer to belief rather then the facts because it is simply easier and that within this actions everything only becomes worse and then in fact all hope is lost, and that we are at this point now

I commit myself to stop any and all points of hope that I am living within my daily life and to teach and learn how to instead take self responsibility for what is here through not hoping but instead checking and making sure and fixing shit and doing stuff that is required practically so that when I live my life I will never live in fear as I will be 100% sure of the things I do in awareness and thus hope will not be required.

I commit myself to show that it is possible to live without hope and that hope is simply a lie that is sold to the people and the people sell it to themselves because they know there isn’t hope.

I commit myself to show that the act of hoping is eradicating all hope.

I commit myself to show that there is something much better then hoping and that is acting.

I commit myself to show that hoping isn’t real and not necessary because we do in fact have the ability and capability to do things practically and physically and that does not ever require hope.
I commit myself to show that hoping to change the world and changing the world in fact is two different things and that only the one way can change the world and that on isn’t hope.

I commit myself to show that hope is something that is taught to children because of fear, and that this fear comes from people that isn’t educated on how thing function and work within the reality that we all share and are from and as.

I commit myself to show that hope is the act of not doing the things you are hoping for yourself when you know it is possible to do it in fact yet it is not done.

I commit myself to show that hope is the easy answer to doing things and handling things while being fully aware that there is ways that isn’t hoping but actually doing it in fact and that hope isn’t required.

I commit myself to show that only once we all give up hope can we change things, as we are the not hoping but doing and that means what we are hoping for is happening ad when it is happening hoping isn’t required and but only a escape from taking full self responsibility for what s here as all as one and equals

Day 239 – The voice in my head is me Part 3

Day 237 – The voice in my head is me –But it cant be!! Part 1
 Day 238 – The voice in my Head is me Part 2

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I speak to myself in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly participate within speaking to myself in secret in my head and to not see and realize that this isn’t Normal, because if I am self honest with myself, I will never want to speak what goes on in my head to another person because I know I will be seen as a threat or be exposed for the evil within me, o why am I doing i to myself then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I need the voice in my head to exist and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the voice in my head is normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that speaking to myself isn’t healthy as it only creates hell for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that ninety percent of all my problems come from me talking to myself an making shit up in my head about anything and everything which is never based on facts but on assumptions/interpretations/perceptions/ideas/beliefs/opinions that is always only limited and defined within my own ways that always only fit me and thus can never be trusted and because I follow the shit I create shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as problems arise in my reality that I have to deal with, that me participating within the secret conversations with myself ONLY always make the problems worse and that if I had to stop the back chat and inner voices of myself, that the problem cannot grow from there and only be solved with practicality which is ALL it in fact requires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the voice in my head is a outflow from memory and experiences that I have accumulated over my life-time as knowledge and information as words and their definitions that was taught to me and shown to me how to be lived as my limitations/enslavement, and that this proof is revealed when I look back at when I was a baby and that there was no thoughts and no inner voices and other bullshit – showing me that the voice in my head isn’t real first of all and just ME and that it is not normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which isn’t normal as something bad and wrong and that it must mean that I am bad and wrong and evil, seeing and realizing that it is not to judge it as good or evil, it is to see what is real and what is not and to stop the illusions and anything that isn’t best for all, because what isn’t best for all can obviously not be best for me as I am part of ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I hear voices in my head, that it is simply memories of me or others playing out inside my mind that is ME playing it yet hearing it as separate, seeing and realizing that it isn’t anything to fear or to belief or make real, but to breathe and realize it isn’t real and thus I can simply stop it.

I commit myself to show that the voice in people’s heads is them and nothing more.

I commit myself to show that the voices people have in their heads can be stopped equal and one as they were created through writing and self forgiveness and living the corrections practically as that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as the voice in my head comes us to stand firm and to not let it be normal as I realize it isn’t and that it is a side effect/outflow of something else, and to instead investigate why I talk to myself within the specifics of the inner conversations so that I can see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become so that I can stand one and equal as me as the voice and stop it, till there is no voice and only me here breathing as a self willed self directed being that stands as Life with no secrets and no hidden self’s (characters/personalities)

I commit myself to when and as I catch myself talking to myself to not finish the conversation in my head and to take a deep breath instead and STOP.

I commit myself to live these commitments as myself first to be the actual practical example of that it can be done and that we are in fact the creators of the voices and thus can un-create it and do not have to be subject to it or define ourselves as it.


Day 238 – The voice in my Head is me Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within manipulating myself to make t seem that the voice in my head cannot be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within making myself belief that the voice in my head cannot be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the voice in my head as a way to deceive and manipulate myself to belief that it isn’t me, seeing and realizing that I do this because then i do not feel responsible for what is existent within me and can always blame the voice as saying but I thought or I forgot or I assumed or I interpreted and as if the voice in the mind can be excused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the voice in my head and all the it says, seeing and realizing that as long as I separate myself from the voice in my head I will fear it as I am not standing one and equal as the creator as the voice in fact and thus giving away all my power to as the creator as the direct participant to stop and breathe and give myself back to myself where there is no voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify and call me speaking to myself in my head as “the voice” in my head, seeing and realizing that within saying the voice in my head I am claiming and making me speaking to myself as not being me when in fact it is MY VOICE and not the voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I voice myself to myself within my own head to not see the obvious, that I am the voice in my head and that I am the voices and what they say from and as thoughts or interaction in my reality as thoughts to what I react towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am always the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself deliberately within saying that others create the voice in my head, or motivates me to say things I say in my head to myself as a way to blame and to not have to take self responsibility for what I say and have conversations about in my head that is always evil as it is in secret and hidden from the rest in a dark space called my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is going on in my head towards other and about others and even myself where I have evil vile disgusting and brutal conversations with myself that is of abuse and to within knowing this try and hide it even from myself and separating myself from this voice making myself belief it cannot be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realized that I am giving away ALL my power and the ability I have as the creator and direct participant of the voice in my head through saying and making myself belief that it isn’t me and that it cannot be me to STOP it and to stand one and equal as my own voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I have to admit that the voice in my head is me in fact that I will within this go insane and not know who I am, thus I see and realize that I decide who I am and therefore I can within taking self responsibility for the voice in my head as being me doing it still be here breathing and not lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I admit the fact that I am the voice in my head that I now have to live it out and become the voice to be honest with myself, seeing and realizing that it not being honest with myself as the voice in my head as me isn’t real and just me making shit up in my head that is always of self interest and thus I do not have to become it or belief I must live it, but that self honesty is that I must stop it as it isn’t real and only fucking up my actual life and life here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I am the direct creator and participant of the voice in my head that it is really not necessary to separate myself in fear from it as it is me thus I can simply as MYSELF stop it, one and equal as being the creator of it I can stop it.

To be continued.

Day 237 – The voice in my head is me –But it cant be!! Part 1


Evil –this is the first word that pops up when I see that admitting to myself that the voice in my head is only me, it is who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and it is evil, when I say evil I am not saying bad as a negative experience or emotion, I am saying it from the point of what is best for all life and self honesty, and having a voice in my head in secret isnt best for all life or being self honest, we all know we fear what others thing of us and what they have going on in their heads about us all the time, so why do we not see we must stop our own voices as we would like to give as we would like to receive - NO judgment and a truly free world from secrets and inner realities that abuse others and themselves in their heads.

I have slowed down, and I have seen myself directly in the participation of the voices in my head, what I say, what I think and tell myself and how I talk about others and how I comment on things, it is pretty dame straight forward that it is me and it is evil because it isn’t within the best interest of all life, it is all abusive if one is self honest.

We all know what we say in our heads to ourselves about things/others in general, we will look at someone and then there will be a thought and a reaction and a emotions or feeling and then there will be accordingly a conversation one has with oneself, so let’s say I am in the parking lot and I see a man sleeping on the side of the street, I will say stuff to myself like – “fucking lazy shit” or “dammed this guy is making the street look bad” – or “how did this guy get here” or “he looks really badly dressed and he is dirty” – but then when I talk to the guy I am someone else, I will never say the things I just told myself in my head to the guy – we all do this every second of every day. It is a disease. It is a mental disease.

So now what happens is, this voice is kept secret from everyone, because we belief no one can see what we say to ourselves about others, so we feel save and not limited and free to tell ourselves w3hat we want and how we want and when we want and no one can do anything about that – well it is not so.

The fact that the world is the way it is today (hell on earth for most) is because that is what goes on in our heads, so now the question is, why is it that something we keep secret from everyone else is then creating and manifesting this world the way it is?

Because we might not speak it out loud but we have spoken it within, so it is who we are as acceptance and allowances and who we are determines what we do.

And we will accept and allow that which is within us within others one and equal, so people walk around daily with sickening thoughts and conversations about others and things in their heads that no one sees and that isnt done openly, but when and as someone do it for real, living out these thoughts and playing out the reactions of the conversations they had within their minds, the rest that still keep it all secret will accept and allow it as normal, because everyone knows they are having the thoughts and here is the one guy/girl that actually plays it out. So everyone knows they are guilty and just as able to play it out if the push is enough, therefore no one will really do anything but maybe try and make the guilt lighter by pointing fingers.

So back to the voice in my head.

this isn’t a bad thing, neither is it a good thing, however I have made the decision to take self responsibility for these voices within my head, oh wait I mean for myself talking to myself in my own head, being the voice itself. See how much easier that makes it, it gives oneself power back to actually stop it and to direct it instead of the other way around – so when I talk to myself I do not judge it, I breathe and I see what is here, this is how I can see for myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as who I am.

So I stop these voices through never ever following them or taking them as being real at all, I realize every time they come up, it is all a LIE every single time so I know I can look at the shit I say in my head and then I investigate the points, i will either dissolve it there and then with forgiving myself and breathing or I will sit down and write it out and do my self-forgiveness.

So to be clear – I never follow the voices because I understand that they are never real, it is me talking to myself in my head, how can that be real, it is delusion, it is like being in court but no one else is there to defend themselves or give perspective or anything, it is a major mind-fuck if one belief that what you tell yourself based on the limited knowledge and information you have in you head are ever true about anything or anyone. It is you agreeing with you LOL. No feedback that is real in any way what so ever. Just assumptions and fears and feelings and emotions guiding the voice of yourself to speak to yourself in your head, do you even understand where the thoughts/feelings/emotions come from that is starting up these internal conversations? NO – so don’t trust it at all ever.

Will you follow a voice that comes from a dark tunnel up ahead, and then there is this little creepy hand sticking out asking you to take its hand, well obviously not because you don’t know where it comes from and where it will take you and what the fuck is going on, so this is the same for self talking to self and what ewer is motivating the conversation if it is a thought/feeling/emotion you must know it is this creepy hand sticking out and telling you to follow it. We all know when we watch movies that the person always doing it should not have done it because we can see it is STUPIDITY.

Next up – self forgiveness


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