Day 428 – Is this Possible, Standing as all Characters Part 1

Why do I fear a murderer or a rapist or a gangster or a gym buff or a weird looking person standing on the corner of the street, or a homeless guy? Why do I fear these characters?

It is simple, to first realize that it is all only characters – as a character is someone that plays a certain role in a movie/film or a performance, and we are currently living in a show called capitalism, and capitalism requires characters to play certain roles so that capitalism can be capitalism.

If the People/Characters that exist today did not exist the show called capitalism could not have been possible, each and every role of each and every character is specific and simply a creation from the system/environment.

The characters are each unique and special within how they were created since birth, the character that is built and designed how to act/speak/move and then what to do is all formed and trained how to act accordingly to the input from the environment and thus the memory implants, the characters aren’t the being that was born, it is literally an actor playing its role, unaware that it’s a role and calling if Life, this is simply how life is.

So why do I fear these characters? I myself am a character, so as my character I must play the roles that I have learned since I was a child and then the roles I have assigned myself through what was taught to me as a child, so all other characters are obviously acting with me in this BIG play we call life, only the things we act out are REAL based on fictional creations in our minds, that’s one scary point, so the other point is, as my character I am not allowed to ever BREAK character, otherwise I will lose my job, I will get fired from my role and who knows where I will end up.

So standing in the shoes of others as their characters is breaking character, I am stepping out of my acting shoes and standing in someone else’s acting shoes. Which goes against the script I got from those that have gone before me!

So I always stay in my shoes and rather judge all the other characters and separate myself from all the other characters just so that I can keep my character, through judging all the other characters I am defining my character as everything I don’t want to be judged as as what I judged others as, because I see the evil within me through the act of judging and thus fear this act of evil to be done onto me, it’s like I fear judging myself the same way I judge others, how ridiculous, because apparently at the end of the show we call life, there will be a reward for the best character, this reward comes in many forms as many different parts of life assume it will be after death and claim it as truth.

So I am facing a few characters and will be facing a lot more coming, many I have never even met yet, because each character is circumstantial in a way.

Its like when I was sixteen and I went with a friend to a petrol station and he introduced me to this Nigerian guy that is his drug dealer, this was a mean motherfucker, I was shit scared of him, he was massive with BIG muscles and he had lots of chains and gold rings and tooth and a sidearm on him, in the open, this guy had the whole Character of gangster and that he has been in some shit I have never even thought of, who Knows, I feared this character and till today I fear anyone that might resemble such character, yet why do I fear him?

I never took the time to place myself in this characters shoe and to walk in his shoes and see for myself, I immediately went into first Judging and thus separating and thus creating fear.

Same with once I stopped drinking alcohol, everyone else drinking alcohol is scary, yes I was that character before, I played that role a few times, I fucked up badly with this character, yet Now I suddenly am faced with these characters in my life and I don’t know what to do, I still fear them, they are unpredictable and drunk/possessed.

This reveals to me that even when I was that character I never investigated myself as the character even, I even separated myself from the characters that I played, and now I have to revisit these characters and face myself as the character and stop the fear/separation within me, stopping the judgments.

Journey to be continued.

Day 427 – Mornings, evenings and Night time

A pattern that I have noticed within myself and my day that is of limitation is where I have this weird belief that there are specific things that are best to do ONLY in the morning and then there are things that’s Best to do ONLY in the evenings and then there are things that I can only do at nights, which leads to me not doing a lot of things – Because it’s not the right time, I am not in the right mood – which means I have created Moods for each time such as the morning/evening/night – and this is working against me instead of me working with what’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit what I can do dependent on the time of day and to within this have created a mood for each time of the day that will be the justification of why I am doing certain things or not.
When and as I see myself NOT doing something just because its something I have judged as doing at night when it is still morning and thus postponing, I stop, I breathe and I push myself to move from this point/pattern of self-limitation and to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine what I do dependent on the MOOD I am in that I have created and connected to the time of the day and to within this NOT move myself and get things done.

When and as I see myself being in a mood at a certain time of day – I stop, I breathe, I realize that the mood isn’t real but only a belief that I have created of how I must be experiencing myself dependent on the certain time of day, and to within this realization stop the mood and move myself within practicality and the physical as what’s here to do and get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a lazy mood of not doing anything till I have done small things first and then go bigger as a way of “waking up and to only then in the afternoon get to bigger things and then at night get to the things I resist doing, seeing and realizing that this is the justification I use for postponing what’s needed to be done according to the time Construct connected with moods as self-limitation/sabotage.

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of “I must first wake up by doing small things before I get to the bigger things and then the things I resist doing” I stop and I breathe – I realize it’s just a justification and not real and just to postpone the resistance of doing what’s needed to be done, I move myself to do what’s needed to be done though going there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use TIME and the time of day as an excuse/justification for why I am not doing certain things within the belief that if I do the things that needs to be done at this time of the day I will not be doing it effectively or just half way and that it’s not worth it, seeing and realizing that this is also a justification for not Being here in my body breathing but instead in my mind thinking and creating problems/reasons for why I am not moving myself, seeing and realizing that this is also a lack of self-commitment within my daily responsibilities.

When and as I see myself using time and the time of the day as an excuse/justification for why I am not doing certain things – I stop – I breathe I realize it’s a self-limitation that I have constructed and played out as a pattern to a point where I belief its real, and I forgive myself and move myself within forgiveness to stop the pattern and to move forward in my life.

When and as I see myself Using the excuse/justification based on the belief that if I do something a certain time of the day I will not be as effective as later on or in a different time – I stop, I breathe I realize that it is not real and only a self-created limitation within my participation in my world and so I push myself to prove to myself that I am not the limitation.

Day 426 – Be silent this conversation isn’t for you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “just” be silent when and as people are speaking in a conversation with the Belief dwelling within me that I can’t take part and that what I have to say isn’t of importance and I will just not be able to have an Intellectual participation with them.

When and as I see myself seeing a point that others might need to look at or see within a conversation happening and I decide within myself to NOT speak and just be silent from the belief that I will just sound stupid and not meet their intellectual standard of communication – I stop, I breathe and I check myself what I want to say and I give to myself in the moment the chance to speak and to voice the common sense or perspective within me from and as the starting point of clarity within me first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from conversations through being “just” silent as a a way so that when the conversation goes Bad or does not meet end’s I can have the Justification for myself at least I was silent and did not say anything as to wash my hands off from the outcome either way.

When and as I see I am in the pattern of just sitting in a conversation and leaving the conversation up to the other people to have and to communicate and thus indirectly making it ONLY the other peoples responsibility of what’s being discussed and thus the outcomes, I stop, I breathe and I realize that either way I am responsible in all conversations I am in if I am speaking or not as I am a witness and thus a direct/indirect participant and that being silent when I know I have something to say within clarity and common sense and yet keep quiet I am in fact responsible for that outcome as I had the key to a different one yet kept quit due to some mental self-belief and Idea I have about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a Lesser position in relation to other when there is a conversation happening or a meeting as a deliberate way just not to feel responsible and thus taking responsibility and to take on the character of being silent and just Judging and pointing fingers in my own mind at those who are actually participating and taking a stand.

When and as I see myself just sitting and being silent and judging and pointing fingers at those who are within the conversation taking a stand as a position to be a speaker/representative for a moment as a perspective – I stop, I breathe and I’d look at what it is I am judging and pointing fingers at within those doing the speaking as those will/are the points that I am holding within me as the fears/reasons for why I have taken on the position of inferiority and thus the silent character to not speak and strand equally and being a participant of the direct outcome of the words/actions where its directed to what’s best for all in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that before I can speak/talk about anything that I require to have a point of authority as knowledge and information within me to be able to speak, I stop and I realize that within such an approach I will wait forever and it will take forever to obtain such a point of knowledge and information to be able to partake, and thus it’s a mental Block that isolates me in a prison of fear/anxiety of being lesser than or inferior , and thus I can rely on myself and what’s here as the common sense as the ability to learn naturally in the moment within actually taking part and not just accept the outsider waiting to someday becoming superior to only then built the courage to learn.

When and as I see myself stuck within the belief of myself of that I do not have the current knowledge and information to take part in this conversation that might even determine the future of my life or the life on earth and thus I can’t say anything and must just be SILENT like a kid not allowed to talk with adults and adult things even though they talk about everything that includes you, I stop, I breathe – I push myself to speak and to be like WATER to be flexible to learn in the moment and to use and utilize what I learn within common sense and what’s best for all life as the common grounds that we are all living on, and to not be limited by the moment and to go beyond my own self-belief and to push myself beyond any belief and remain here in breathe.

Day 425 – I am breaking a habit tonight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify not doing my responsibilities through saying I was/am too busy without even taking the time to consider my time and my priorities and to see if I really am busy or not or if it’s all just here in the mind at the moment.

When and as I see myself wanting to justify why I haven’t been doing my responsibilities through saying I am too busy – I stop, I breathe and I take a moment o consider myself here in the moment and what I am doing and what I have planned to do and to actually check and see if I am too busy or not and to then move and direct myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be occupied with the mind and to keep myself busy with the mind within thinking and planning and worrying and building fear and anxiety and back chat and to miss out on the real time I have here to do things and to then claim I was busy, seeing and realizing that being busy in the mind isn’t being busy, it is a distractions from what is here that needs to get done.

When and as I see myself Believing that I am busy where I am only busy within thought/mind I stop, I breathe and I look at what I am busy with, am I creating limitation as energy/mind as the fears/worrying or am I actually busy using my body and my hands and my words and all that is here that matters and actually doing something real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use casual things that I do as a way of keeping me busy through repeating doing them over and over such as having a coffee or quickly checking up on something or watching one episode casually to much or talking to other people casually too much and to use this as a way of saying I was busy as an excuse for me to get to actual things that require to get done.

When and as I see myself doing something that is seen as casual “to much” as a way of distractions for myself and to have a justification/reason for why I did not attend my responsibilities – I stop, I breathe and I get my ass out of the Casual routine before I become a casualty of my own self sabotaging patterns and to move myself to do what’s needed to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself “just this one more” before I get to my responsibilities as a way of repeating the same pattern over again such as having another coffee/drink/food etc and to postpone getting to the duties because I have created an Idea of getting to them and that they are difficult things to do while these small minute patterns are easy and better and thus lose all my time that I had through repeating the small easy patterns over and over and not getting to the realness of the other duties, and thus the Idea of the other duties grow bigger and bigger in my head and thus I get stuck in the small patterns more and more and never really seeing what’s real or not anymore, and that the only way out in the end is to simply move myself to see/find out for myself the reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself repeating the small patterns over and over where I will do small minded things like having three coffees in a row and talk small pity things with others that’s useless, or spend my time just sitting on the stoop as If I just came from working hard and I am resting as a way/reason for why I am sitting there and not moving myself to do things that matter and that’s is of moving forward, I STOP, I BREATHE and I stand up from the pattern and I go to that point of resistance and I push myself to breathe and do it, and to stop wasting time where I keep myself busy with mind/minute things and to actually do things that matter and that’s best for all.