I have been a bit sick for the past three days, with a saw throat, a slight headache and some throat pains and many body pains all over. At first, I thought it was just the seasons changing here in Panama, but then I came across another video today where the whole Burning of the Amazon is shown when I saw this my headache increased and my eyes hurt.
I then looked back the days before I was sickish (I am not sick like laying in bed and cannot move) I saw that in the days before I was watching headlines of the Amazon burning and then Africa and how I was within seeing all of this, who I was. For those of you that know me, and this was a hectic storm in my mind of thoughts and emotions and played a big part in my sickness now, Nature and Animals are my thing (another self-belief to deal with as an emotional stance instead of physical) – check out https://www.patreon.com/earthhaven where we are now in the process of immigrating to Panama and then looking for a new location to run our operations from. It is moving slowly as we have not yet completely got our residence here, and no work permits, etc. it is in the process.
Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself for going into an emotional reaction of despair and anger seeing videos and footage of the Amazon and Africa burning.
I forgive myself for going into an emotional reaction of RAGE towards the money system and the humans on earth where I just want to say fuck it all, let us fuck ourselves up and get it done with, as a form of spite and easy way to not have to take responsibility for what is here as ourselves and this planet.
I forgive myself for going into an emotional reaction towards myself as feeling powerless, feeling like I fucked up, I did not do my best, I am too late and so go into blaming everyone else who did not do anything as I did and wanting to be spiteful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see images and footage of nature and animals as the creatures of the earth being harmed for money and human survival only, to go into a demon possession of rage where I want to simply destroy everything and say fuck it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see footage of nature burning down by men plan on this planet for profits and money, to wish for the end of the world of man and to end man and his time on this planet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to entertain the thoughts and emotions of rage/anger towards other humans where I take the position of assumption in believing that those who are burning the amazon and Africa are pure evil, and so miss the point that they are as I am only wanting to survive and support their families in a system that forces people to be evil as we are all slaves to money and where money is the only thing that can feed a family and so reason and common sense goes out the window as survival is short-sighted and everyone is tuck in survival.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those who are involved in the burning of the forests and nature around the world and so wish ill and evil onto them and thus onto myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that my shortcoming in who I am and thus what I do within this world is the same as most of humanity, where we all want to do something but we never moved ourselves to practically be able and capable, as I am now only able to sit in my house, write a blog and nothing else, I do not have a group that is politically active, or that has any power or say in this reality, no funds that can possibly move a single thing in this world, and so this is what most people will experience and thus feel powerless and useless, thus going to the streets and blaming others and screaming at people to change things is the only option which is a non-effective option and never changes anything, as the real solution is a political and economic change globally.
I forgive myself for when and as I see footage of the Amazon burning and Africa, to go into the mindset and emotional state of it is too late, we are fucked and doomed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me and us as this life on earth to be fucked and doomed and too late.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight the consequences and wish for the consequences to not be real, to not manifest, and so I fight with myself in my mind and with my emotions as I am attempting to fight reality and how things actually work in reality in oneness and equality where we will be one and equal to ourselves and collectively and there is nothing that can stop that no matter how emotional I become, I have to stop and breathe and work with what is here as reality even when reality changes drastically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the suffering and consequences that the animals and plants and other people are going through as I know what is being done onto others will be done onto self as it is to give and so receive, and what is accepted and allowed for one part of life is accepted and allowed for all other parts of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in separation of pain and suffering and destruction and so fear it, instead of standing equal and one t it, as who I am as life, where I do not stand in the way of what is needed in oneness and equality for life to be rebirthed but rather with and like it and not to judge what is happening, to stand as who I am to breathe and direct me as best as I can in each breath with what is here practically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am changing anything about the fired and destruction of nature and all the animals through being emotional about it, to be angry and enraged and overthinking and fearing for what happening, and as I can see all I am doing it harming myself and making myself ineffective through getting sick and headaches.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if I did not have internet or computers or any modern tech, I would never have known the Amazon is burning or Africa and so what is real to me? Not to use this reasoning as to not be updated but simply showing that I can be stable and here within it all.
I commit myself to stop the thoughts, feelings and emotions within me through focusing on my breathing and being here, even when I see nature burning down on videos and earth being raped and killed, as I know that I can not do a single thing at this moment and need to keep moving me, keep standing, keep being here and not compromise me to become ineffective and useless through harming my body with HIGH emotions and thoughts that harm the body.
I commit myself to keep pushing the points I stand by this life and to not fall for the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and if I do to write, to forgive to change to purify me here as all as one and equals to stand clear, even if the world ends, we are still here and we still need to deal with ourselves and what is here.
