Today was interesting – I actually - during my day focused on breathing as the commitment I made to myself, to stop the mind and birth myself as LIFE.
BUT there were very interesting points that revealed itself more clearly and that I could now see within breathing more effectively.
The first Point that I saw was I had less thoughts and internal Movements as energy as emotions/feelings – so the interesting point(s) I noticed was that there were moments when I completely stopped breathing and went into a immediate State of thoughts (possession) of Fear/anxiety/survival.
This was triggered in specific moments when I was in different areas of my day with different people.
So when I was alone or working on my own, the breathing was stable and I was able to stop any thoughts immediately, as a thought came up I said out loud to myself I commit myself to breathe – and I breathed instead of thinking and participating in the thoughts, I did not suppress it, I made sure I breathed through it.
So I saw that ALL the thoughts I have during my day(s) was/is but distractions of/from the MAIN points that I am actually physically walking and living as the patterns/characters I have become, thus I realized that I over load myself with so many thoughts that I “hide’ the main points such as fear/anxiety/secret-mind that I have manifested as the living me in the flesh, pre-occupying myself to not face these points.
I breathe – I walk – I am committed to this one point till it is done.
Main Point number 1 – this is one of the Characters/patterns that I am living as -- and that I have manifested myself as, as the walking me in my application resonantly and in all behaviours and words.
“The -- I am ALWAYS a bad person Character”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always live and move myself within the behavioural patterns of I am a bad Peron.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I live in a resonantly possessed state of I am a bad person that reflect within all my words/actions and that it shows in everything I do as Who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being bad compared to being good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have manifested myself as the flesh within the self judgment of always being bad to such an extent that I even belief I do not have the right to stand up for that which is best for all life because apparently I am just too bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resonate with the self judgment as the thoughts I had/have in my mind about myself and to through this create a character within and as the living flesh that lives the words/thoughts that I resonated with in every detail of my life that end up as consequences such as always not pushing though points or not to commit to something because I have already judged myself as being bad and thus already failed within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to define myself according to past/memories where I did not finish something or stayed committed to something and got judged by people/system such as in school and that I have within this created a character of myself that I have made in such a way to never have the “right” to change and to actually be Good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad from past experiences within and from school/parents/friends that is of the money system that is designed on Good and bad People and that requires good and bad people to exist the way as it does now for it to function – realizing that I blindly took on the role of the bad character that would end up working in mines or on the streets doing all the shit jobs because I have accepted and allowed myself as shit, realizing that this is exactly what the system wants because who else would do the shit jobs unless there are people that judge themselves as shit/bad and thus the system deliberately make/create good and bad to serve the system on both ends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as good or bad in s world that is based on money and not real value as LIFE where all is equal in fact and where good and bad is that of simply doing what is best for all life and not defined according to social and intellectual levels designed only to make profit in the name of self interest and the abuse of life, realizing that I have labelled myself as being bad for not complying to a system that Abuses LIFE, because I did not “fit in” or met the standards that was required.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a system of abuse towards LIFE and to actually feel bad about myself for it. Realizing it is not to now not comply and suddenly be BAD, as that is also what the system wants as it is simply a part of the system that forces the rest into being good and never seeing the abuse as a example will be made of me then as being bad within the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad due to how I was treated by those that has gone before me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad according to the words and the manners that was used on and towards me by those that has gone before me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what those that has gone before me in their behaviours and words as facts and real and thus it must be who I am and what I am. Realizing that me accepting that is making it so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up from this character of “I am always bad” and to take a self honest self movement walk and stand for LIFE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD it against myself that I was judged as bad in the past and to make it so and part of my future and to within this feel insecure and less than and in valid and not worthy and full of self hatred and resentment and so act it out or trying to make it better through being a good guy that still always mess up, as the fear of being bad is the driving force of each finger and each word -- and thus it is but all a pretense and a lie and not real but characters upon characters playing their roles to avoid being bad, yet only the bad prevails, realizing that this is not the solutions as the hatred grows and the resentment grow, but that to take self responsibility for myself is the first and only step I must take and walk
TO BE CONTINUED ON THE PARTS BELOW – with self forgiveness.
This Character activates around people that I have placed in my mind as “authority” and as better than me – as people that always do better.
So when I am for instance working and doing my stuff and a person comes in that I have placed in my mind as authority and they say something I freeze inside myself and I literally stop breathing, I am in complete anticipation of getting yelled at or being told how bad I am or that I am doing something wrong, this character is so intense that I will literally do “Nothing wrong” for months and when someone comes to me and say something that I have judged as authority in my mind – I will within myself stop and beam all of me into the mind – like taking on battle positions.
Then I will in quantum time check the “past/memories” to see what I did wrong and what this person possible can/will take out on me now, and I will not find anything, and then as the mind I will even go as far as Believing that it must have happened when I wasn’t aware or conscience, which is kind of impossible – like I did something where I got possessed and came back and do not remember anything – this is the mind as Fear looking at all possible scenarios to be ready to defend/justify/reason/fight.
So breathing all day surely has shown me the real points to work with, actual physical living characters/patters instead of daily mind bubbling pre-occupying thoughts as distractions – I am not saying Ignore and suppress the thoughts and do not Self forgive them, always Self forgive for any and all thoughts, I am simply saying the main points open up for me.
Also within breathing all day more consistently I have had lots of pains in my legs, especially in my Knees and shins and my movement was compromised at times and I had to slow down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the self judgment of being Bad, realizing within living as the self judgment of being bad I am always in search of doing the right/goof thing as to make up for how I judge myself, realizing that within always wanting to do the good thing I am only confirming the self judgment of myself as being bad.
To be continued on as-well..
Ok so I was about to do my Commitment statements on the previous blogs I did on Being skinny – The Machine Within, and as I started writing the commitments I stopped, I red the one commitment I did and I asked myself – did I write this commitment as Myself in fact where I will live this commitment. Then the next question came up – Have I live even one commitment I wrote in all the blogs?
Self honestly I haven't lived on commitment, I have only written them and placed them in blogs, I realize I had to do this to come to this point of realizing I have to physically live what I commit myself to.
Then the next question came to me – What does it mean to commit myself to something. Now realizing that I have been in this process for four years and I have been doing what I am doing for a long time, I should by now know what commitment is and LIVING it physically in fact.
Then Came the next point after the self investigation – I looked at what I have committed myself to the most in my written words – the words I have written the most was – I commit myself to when and as I see myself...... and then it ends with to breathe and be here.
Now came the real test, where I could not ignore this point and postpone it for later – I had to ask myself once again – Have I ever gone ONE day where I live this commitment to the fullest of simply BREATHING – as living my commitment in fact – NO I haven't, I told myself, well you know it is a process, it takes time, then I realized it is a simple commitment – and this means that once I commit I LIVE, as simple as that.
So here I am going to take myself on – I am going to be strict with myself and my words and what I write.
Thus I am going to for the next 21 Days and beyond, do Self forgiveness on the one commitment – the commitment to “breathe and be here” and to ACTUALLY within the 21 days willingly breathe as a commitment to live one commitment I committed myself to. To keep myself to my own words and live it.
Because this is a PATTERN – where I commit and forget and commit and forget and commit and forget and so it goes on.
I can not recall one commitment I have made from previous blogs, because I never lived it in fact, I never integrated it as the flesh as who I am as the living words I am.
Here I am taking on one commitment and applying Self forgiveness on the point. Breaking the pattern, because this is not just in relation to blogging and so forth and my process since I have been participating with Desteni – this pattern has played out all my life in everything I do, never finishing a book I started, not finishing school, not finishing a video game I started, not finishing any relationship, I always only made these awesome statements in my life and never lived it.
So here I start with the basic Commitment on Breathing in awareness – the foundation for myself as Breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living one commitment for real daily.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living one commitment as myself daily.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of “seeing myself already failing, standing outside tomorrow morning after waking up already forgotten the commitment to life and to just continue as thoughts”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already judge myself as a failure due to past/memories of where I stated I am going to do something and never did and completely forgot and in the end feel even worse and more like a failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disbelief in myself through self judgement of past memories/experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this a competition, realizing I am only competing with my mind that is energy and not real, and thus I see and realize as breathe I am here doing this for myself as an actual self movement that is not part of my pre-programmed life and thus I have to be deliberate and self moving and be strict with myself for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on “hope”, Hoping that tomorrow I will do it, realizing that it is a self movement where I have to in fact move myself and LIVE it and DO it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and judge myself as incapable of moving myself constantly in breathe all day in awareness of myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that if I have to commit myself to breathe all day in awareness tomorrow that it will compromise my life and I will move slow and not get anywhere with doing things, realizing this is the mind moving and giving all and the best excuses it can to not go there where the mind can not exist in breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually doing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me when I suddenly tomorrow change in my movement and behavior as breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas within my mind as to what it means to live in and as breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and be in the mind as fear, fear of losing the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the mind as the mind is all that I have ever known and lived as, and thus I see and realize that I have created and manifested my live according to the mind and thus I see and realize that as I move as the breathe the mind created reality will slow down and I will not be able to sustain the mind reality I manifested for myself as patterns/characters and thus I see and realize why the mind fears moving as breathe as the physical.
To be Continued.
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