Day 521 – let’s see where this goes – unexpected writing.

This blog isn’t specific, let’s see where this goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated with myself for who I am within myself as the experience of myself consistently tip toeing through life not wanting to do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this irritation to be expressed as anger towards the world and to blame the world for me experiencing myself as being irritated with myself as if I am tip toeing through life in fear of doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tip toe through life in fear of doing something wrong and that this wrong doing will define me and my self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful towards the system and the people within the system and to keep this resentfulness against the people within the system as a way to blame them for how I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and tired at the system and to within this just want it to fucking disappear, even if it means through chaos and destruction, as a I don’t care anymore attitude that has taken over my mind as a point of me giving up my self-responsibilities and seeking an easy way out of this fucked up world that is here as the system , that enslaves me to fucking money and a life of not doing what I enjoy or can be capable of doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in BLAME towards the system and to within this blame go and live in a state of self-victimization and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in spitefulness towards the system within just giving everything my middle finger and saying go to hell and fuck yourself, you want to be blind and deaf, not hearing the screams and the cries of misery, so now you will just have to suffer the same, go ahead and suffer, at least this means the world will end and this stupid ridiculous system that is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE the system for destroying me as a child and enslaving me into a fearful mind being that can only live limitations that has been forced onto me through a fucked up system, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and to define myself as, seeing and realizing that I made those decisions and that I could have instead NOT have chosen fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately live in a consistent mood towards the system as me being against it secretly and thus resisting everything within the system even while I have to participate within it to make money for survival and to become more and earn more than just survival and to use what I make to change this world, as I would like to be done onto others as I have been done onto, BUT first I must change what has been done onto me by myself and thus change the path for those that come after to not have to be done onto them as I didn’t want to be done onto, loving thy neighbor as thy self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Love and HATE money at the same time, as money is a fucked up limitation that decides everything in a very weird manner currently, yet I love it when I have it – a typical mind design of a polarity game. Never moving beyond the control of money and to be able to use money as what is best for all, but always riding a roller coaster with money and it being available or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to wish I was different and not me so that I could just be someone that is already perfect and live everything every breath that is necessary to bring change to this world instead of consistently falling into the mind and the cycles of self-harm and abuse and compromise and sabotaging every moment that might have had potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the perfect self that I see in myself that is possible as something that is out there, seeing and realizing that creating this perfect self is a process of physical application and the mind is fucking with me by wanting it NOW and thus if I am not achieving it now then I must be a failure and will never reach the goals/change that is required. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated by this energy game of polarity that goes from positive and negative in sudden moment as if I just cannot help it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not worthy of the best, and thus the best that is for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am a fucking bad person and thus I do not deserve a world that is best for all including myself and that I just deserve a world that is going into darkness and being eaten alive by the demons as man’s MIND.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired and irritated and angry at myself for giving this personality of I do not deserve anything good consistent attention and living it as a resonant seed within me even while I am doing things that is in the best interest of all , yet my mood/personality of I do not deserve it is fucking up everything resonantly, yet I keep on living it within this irritation mind pattern that just keep putting me down, even though I know its bullshit and not real. – seeing the point of why I can see it and yet do nothing about it is annoying as shit.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “ I do not know” as an excuse for why I am not changing and thus waiting for information to change me where it must first make sense and why I must change, either through fear of consequences instead of me seeing and thus knowing the change and living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a false Idea of caring that fucks me over as I care to much about the mind and the system and the consciousness of others and thus holding myself back in fear of not seeming like I am caring and compromising my entire process and movement believing that holding myself f back is caring for others. Meantime I am destroying myself and my potential by being so fucken self-conscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live pretend in the name of self-preservation.

Day 46 - I am a Bad Boy

I remember when certain events happened in my life as a young child and as a teenager where I did certain things, I was seen/judged as bad and how people reacted and looked at me after what I have done.

From the system perspective I was bad, I did do something wrong in the eyes of the people - for instance, when I was 16 I went to the movies with a couple of friends, I asked a certain girl to come with me, I had to ask her parents first, they agreed on the condition that I must look after her and make sure nothing happen.

So we all went to the movies, a couple of minute before the movies started me and another friend decided to go and buy cigarettes and quickly smoke them, we ask the other friends to stay and wait we will be back, they did not know we were going to go buy smokes and smoke.

We were underage and wasn't allowed to smoke, we went to the little shop that sold cigarettes to who ever, we bough two, as I exchanged the money for the cigarettes, I hear my name from outside of the shop, the girl who I asked to come whit's parents were there, they also decided to come, they now saw me with cigarettes in my hand.

I was frightened to what the parents would say to me and how they will react, I was cold for a few seconds because I was secretly smoking and underage, so no one knew I was smoking except my friend that was with me.

The parents asked me in a angry voice, what are you doing, is that cigarettes, they reacted immediately and grabbed the girls arm and said, come we are taking you home, the parents then told me, Gian we did not expect you to be this kind of person, we trusted you with our daughter, I said yes, but they are not for me, we quickly bought them for some other friend, the parents said okay we will come with you to see you give the cigarettes to the other friend, we knew we were fucked (caught out).

The girl then started fighting with her parents and said, mom,dad please leave it alone, our movie is starting in a few minutes, I then gave the cigarettes to the other friend and he put them in his pocket, I felt like shit, I am such a bad person. The parents trusted me.

So what happened next was interesting.

I started becoming bad, more and more, and in secret - because through the even that happened I learned how parents react and how they handle situations, they were mean and downgrading me, playing the guilt game making me feel bad deliberately, instead of breathing and seeing what is happening and accordingly act as to what is supportive, this is what I would have done, because now there was no lesson learned, there was only suppression and fear implanted.

Obviously I also did not know about breathing and remaining here in self honesty, if I did, this would have never happened.

That same night I decided I was bad, I can not be trusted, I am a bad boy, I had kind of a exciting feeling about it, I then took the bad boy acceptance and I started becoming a asshole, I pretended to be the awesome guy in-front of everyone and at night in secret I am bad, I take advantage, I drink, I use weed, I use girls, I started developing this more and more, I started skipping on school and classes, I got caught out and the same happened, no one gave me a valuable lesson to learn through common sense and understanding, they all just yelled, put fear into me and tried to suppress me, I obviously accepted and allowed all of this as me as who i am, which wasn't true if self honesty was applied.

I found Desteni at the age of 18, I was lucky, I would have probably not made it past 20 because of all the drinking and the secret thoughts and back chat of the things I was going to do, luckily I never got to do those things because of Desteni - I was judging myself as being bad to bad that I was abusing myself to become it, to live it, we live in a world of space and time - thank goodness

It is actually quite simple to see, if I breathed at that one scenario and instead of judging myself as bad and accepting and allowing myself as it and if I did not define myself as that in that moment, things would have been completely different, yet I did, thus self forgiveness.

Self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past experiences as who I am, realizing that who I am I decide in each breathe.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person due to past experiences as memories as who I am, realizing that I am actually deciding who I am in each breath, and that the past experiences is the past,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad due to past experiences that I judged as bad within my mind, through the accepted and allowed definitions of what is good and bad within society or within others eyes, realizing that if I am self honest I will see and realize that what is best for all life as a living principal in all ways is all that matters, as everything is self created ideas/believes of what is good and bad and forced onto one another through fear to have control, instead of simply living what is best for all life, buying cigarettes at the age of 16 doesn't mean anything when you live within what is best for all life, it is simply me smoking. (of course to be self honest one would see underage within the system can bear consequences so do not compromise self to prove a point, be self honest and not fearful as we are still within a system of control and fear based till we have the equal money system 2020.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on others reactions and words towards me as being a response to who I am as bad and to give it value as who I am, realizing within accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad and to live out my live as being bad I create and manifest consequences for myself where I punish myself as self abuse as telling myself the whole time, you are bad, you are bad, you deserve this punishment. Not realizing that I am creating and manifesting it all for myself in each moment as my own self judgment as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the ideas and believes of myself that I have accepted and allowed as who I am through accepting and allowing myself to give value to others words as the truth about me and to accordingly live my life in self judgment and self abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm others through my own self judgment as being bad and doing certain things within the believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the believe and self judgment of I am bad with me as a burden and living it out within doing certain things that is harmful to myself and others on a physical level and/or emotional level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am the creator of who I am in each breathe and as I accept and allow myself to judge myself as bad in each moment that I am creating it as myself and thus no one is to blame, only I can stop and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something bad in others eyes, realizing it isnt about others but Who I am as I create myself and decide as myself in each breath WHO I AM.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can only be bad if I am not living what is best for all life in all ways, as I am accepting and allowing a life of good and bad where both are needed for the other to exist, instead of simply living what is best for all life in all ways as Desteni has shown me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drug use within my own self created believe/self judgment of I am bad through accepting and allowing others words and actions as having value to who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself that other believe I am a bad person and to act it out as self punishment within my actions and words and to within this abuse myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a bad person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bad person in secret because of the fear that others will see me as bad for what I am doing, realizing that when I do things in secret I am actually abusing others and myself through my own acceptance and allowance of the self judgment as being bad within my head as back chat and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is wrong to be bad, realizing that living within the principal of what is best for all life in all ways isnt defined by good or bad, but by what is best for all life in all ways through common sense and self honesty.

Redefining bad - not living who you are as life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Redefining good - living what is best for all life in all ways as who you are as life.

I commit myself to expose the deception of good and bad created within the current way of life in society where good and bad is used to control people through fear and a reward system

I commit myself to expose that the good people require the bad people to be good and that the bad people require the good people to be bad, and that both are just the same thing of the same coin keeping people enslaved to the mind as the tree of knowledge and information so that no one can ever realize themselves as life, as that which is best for all life or even see that the constant battle of good and bad is only to occupy peoples minds to not stop and stand as life as that which is best for all life as Who I am