I have been dealing with quit a big part of myself as who I have defined myself as, and this part has got to do with me seeing and helping other people with their potential, helping others through self destructive patterns and seeing the better, becoming the better part of self.str
Yet, I have never done this for myself, in fact I have a shit load of problems that I need to deal with, but I occupy myself and my time with always helping others and forgetting myself so to say.
I have been doing so for a while now, and this is coming back to bite me in my ass, in the past few weeks I have been dealing with some mayor internal conflicts (the mind) in other words, where these points do as always effect the physical reality.
I see within myself that I can help others, YET they always in the end have to help themselves, I can not always just be on stand by waiting, this is simply me distracting myself from really facing my myself and my internal points and thus my reality.
so as a base design of my personality as what I have always done is the savior construct, only in this story there is now happy ending, because while I am out saving I am doing this from a starting point of self-sacrifice, which will lead slowly but surely to a sacrifice, where all my suppression, all my problems just accumulate and accumulate till they have no where else to go but OUT.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care about myself and to give focus and attention to "saving others" and forgetting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important and that I do not matter and do not need saving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as less than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a good life in comparison to others and thus I do not deserve to push myself to reach and be my utmost potential as it isn't fair towards those that isn't in the same situation as me with the same opportunity and thus I must sacrifice myself to rather help others, while I sink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I do not deserve any help or that I am not worthy being helped as I will just waste other peoples time, and thus I might as well waste my own time by forgetting about myself and focusing on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and to within this neglecting my life and effecting everyone in my life/reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ABUSE myself though the believes that I have about myself and to within this secretly abuse others that isnt "intentionally" yet it happens through my actions/beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I focus on myself and bettering myself as what is best for all LIFE and to reach my utmost potential that I will come forth as selfish and as a bad person, because I am now not focusing on pleasing others and caring for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sour and angry and resentful towards the world and the people within this world due to my belief that everyone is keeping me hostage within their perception of me as being a good person and because of ME living within the expectation of others perception of me as MUST be good, I always believe that I must do everything good as much as possible and never care for myself, and thus create a blame game that shifts my responsibility towards the world and thus the world now becomes the problem instead of seeing and realize that this perception, this belief, Idea is all but in my head and I am living it as if it is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being seen as a bad guy, a person that isn't doing good and the best he can to help others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others having a bad perception of me and how that will influence my world and who I am within this reality that I share with billions of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an irrational IDEA/belief/opinion within my mind of what a good person is, where this irrational idea/belief/opinion of being a good person is me pleasing EVERY single person, which by a mathematical equation is literally impossible, yet I try everyday and thus fail every day and thus the end result of every day is me being a failure, but I keep trying hoping that I can master/learn each and every persons idea/belief/opinion of what a good person is and to when I am in their presence I can live that IDEA/belief/opinion - and fail.
to be continued
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