Day 155 - Am I ready.

Today Things in my life took a unexpected change of events, well it is planned to change, I made the decision to Go out into the matrix and do some work to make money.

I decided that I am going to investigate and see if it is possible for me to become a Truck Driver.

The first question that came up was - Am I ready to do this?

When I asked myself the question many things came up that revealed why I belief I am not ready, and Fear came in, not a lot or fear, just a general fear of something new, which should not be general lol.

The points that came.

Will I be accepted for such a job?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be accepted for such a job due to how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that how I look is important in relation to if I am able to do the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that others will judge if I can do the job or not due to how I look, seeing and realizing that this is my own judgment of myself where I have judged myself as looking to "young" to be able to be trusted with a job that is delegate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself due to my oneself judgment of I look to young and not mature enough to do the jobs that is meant for grown up people, or rather people that looks grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that how I look is just how I look, it isn’t who I am and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that only men that looks tough and strong and rough can get a job to drive a truck, as I have judged driving a truck as being a poor man’s job and where all poor people are tough as they have endured more suffering and pain in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to had suffered and endured pain in my life to become tough and strong and rough so that I can handle a job such as driving a truck where I have to live in a truck for days on the road and meeting and interacting with strangers and with the possibility of danger around every corner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a truck driver as there will always be the possibility of danger and that I fear I cannot handle it as I did not grow up in poor conditions that could have conditioned me to handle more abuse suck as being robbed/attacked/harmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when a person looks at me that has to hire me for the job of driving trucks will give me one look and say " you look to soft to handle such a job" and not give me the job just because of that, even though I know I am more than capable of doing such a job because of the process I have walked with Desteni for the last 4 years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by a person that employs people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be all excited about being a truck driver and when I go to apply for the job the person will say - sorry there isn’t any work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there will not be any work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make driving a truck the only option for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I am to young to do work such a driving a truck and having the responsibility of all the stuff in the truck and to get it to the delivery points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get my hopes up instead of breathing and walking in each breathe practicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of " I am failing me truck driver license and losing all hope of getting the job" to exist within me and to through this already fear not making it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the future in and as the mind in projecting what might happen or not and thus compromise myself and sabotaging myself, instead of breathing here looking at the practical steps in each breathe in space and time and moving myself accordingly to get the job.

To be continued.

Day 154 – Walking with straight shoulders.

I have been working on walking straight for over 4 years now, as I have a kind of a hunch back anc avery weird forward neck.

It isnt supportive at all for my body and only causes pain and discomfort, yet WHY am I just not getting it, why do I keep lowering myself to LIFE and me being here, why do I belief within myself that I do not deserve to keep my head high and walk with self respect and honor.

Because I have noticed within my “attempts” to walk straight. I can do what I want but as long as Who I am and what I accept and allow within me does not change I will not walk Proper.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am with other people to think “ I am not allowed to Fill the room with my presence” as it will only be ego and that I will get judged for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect walking straight and with my body in proportion as being EGO as I have in the past only abused my body for the purpose of ego in walking straight and thus now as I am walking my process of self honesty and change where I have realized the points of EGO. I have connected EGO as bad and thus also the posture of my body as it always being EGO.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge walking straight and respecting my body and honoring my body as EGO, seeing and realizing that the moment I judge my body and the way I walk in posture as Ego I make it Ego, instead of breathing and stopping all EGO as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I am attempting to be more than others within walking straight and supporting my body and to within this lower my shoulders and making myself less than, instead of equal as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I walk through the Farm while having my shoulders pulled back to think “ I must look stupid attempting to change my body posture” and to within this become self conscious about what I am doing and to then have thoughts of certain people “ where I walk by them or where I am in their presence and they say stuff to me like – why are you walking so weird, or wow you have a big ego because of the way you walk, so high and mighty of yourself” and to then give up and give in and lower my shoulders slowly but surely and compromise my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I Physically adjust my body to a form of “perfect: structure in proportion of the physical object as my body to achieve perfection with and as my body – to judge myself and to think “ what if my body seems better than everyone else’s and they will feel inferior or less than because they cannot achieve perfection with their bodies” and to the within that have the thoughts of “ me being next to someone else and they act in their behavior towards me as inferior than me because of my dedication and success of change with my body while they are not achieving it” and to then simply give up on the effort to support my body, not seeing and realizing that the thinking and the thoughts id the EGO suppressing the body from actually change, so that I can be stuck within the mind within the same patterns over and over with the same thoughts/feelings/emotions coming up trapping myself within it all everyday doing the same procedure and so continue for years and years never actually taking the point on and changing it for myself and stop the pattern and all the mind fucks that go with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am trying to be more than others when I change my posture of my body to that which is supportive and equal and one with the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine what I am willing to do for myself through looking at others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately lower my shoulders and my head when I am in other peoples presence out of the fear of my own thoughts/judgments I have of myself and that others might say it out loud and then I am confronted with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my body has manifested the way it is now where my back is extremely bent and my shoulders are way to forward and my heck looks like a chicken neck and that it is all a manifestation of the mind Controlling the body through impulses such as thoughts/feelings/emotions and me validating them as true and acting on them, and thus resulting in no self respect and no self honor as the physical and thus always letting the mind win where I lower the physical body as if I am bowing down to the mind, saying yes MIND you are god and I obey and thus fucking up my body and my self-support.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself lowering myself when I am faced with other beings to stop and breathe and keep myself high/straight and support myself in those moments to STAND and not obey to the mind control over the body and to breathe and to give myself back to myself with real Will power, no matter what the mind throws at me as thoughts/feelings/emotions and BREATH.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself lowering myself to stop and realize that I am in the mind and not here as the physical as the body where I decide how the body must be and not the mind. As only giving power to the mind will result in my body physically mutating and deforming.

Day 153 oops I forgot to act appropriately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL bad when I did not ACT”

appropriately" in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel Bad when I ask someone for
Something and I did not smile or show a happy face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like I did something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I "forget" to act when I am with other people either interacting or speaking that the Who I Am as the real me that I have to change is revealed, as the me that I actually hide when I act and play characters and thus feel bad or as If I did wrong when I am not acting and hiding the main character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I reveal Who I Am through not Acting or being in character is the part of me that I have judged as wrong and bad and thus I feel bad and as if I did something wrong when I forget to Act, and thus I see and realize that it is the main character that I fear revealing that I need to Change/Stop and to rebirth myself as the flesh and to not hide within acting and Characters as this only
Suppresses the main character I fear revealing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the characters I am acting out in play is the opposite of the character I am hiding/fearing to reveal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I feel bad or as if I did something wrong when I forget to act or be in character because I know that the
character that is revealed is the one that must be changed as it is a character that is based on self interest and NOT what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am aware of the main character as I can only play the many characters I do everyday due to the awareness of the main character I want to hide, and thus I keep the main character in my secret mind where I feed it and keep it alive as the thoughts/judgments/opinions I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear living as me as the real character and to within that work with what is here and that is relevant instead of continuously creating sub characters to hide the main character and to then having to first work through the sub characters and then only the main one, and all of this just because I fear what others will think of me facing Who I am in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my process about others, instead of seeing and realizing that my process is about myself and that who i am includes all live and thus others as me, so it is to work with myself as ALL that is here one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me as the main character in real time in breathe where I can face my main character without it effecting others around me in a harmful way, seeing and realizing that as long as I always take everything back to self and direct my reality practically and within common sense and not on thoughts/feelings/emotions then I will be able to walk myself effectively in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the character that always pops up when I forget to Act or play my role where I am protected and approved of, as I know and see that the character that always pop up is that of fairness/self righteousness/frustration/anger/depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as the characters that i hide, and to within this hide the characters and never facing them real time to transcend them in and as breathe within self honesty and common sense and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stress myself out within the idea/belief that I MUST no matter what always be in character and acting appropriately or I will DIE somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being questioned when I am not in character as I know and see that when I stop the characters that hide the character I fear exposing that people will definitely see another side to me and that I will have to explain, as I see and realize that the explanation is what I fear, as I will have to admit that all I was and have presented myself to be is a lie and that the character I am exposing is also a still a lie, as the only real truth as Who I am is here as Life as the physical and not characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that any state of mind/experience I am within s a character as part of the polarity games of energy, and thus the only real truth is here as the breath where there is no thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will create a EVIL character when I let go of all the other characters that hide the "evil" character Idea I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret hidden Evil character within me from the fear of having an evil hidden character within me if I had to stop all the other pretentious characters that always present themselves as happy and smiling and okay and good and so forth, seeing and realizing that this is all but a polarity play out of the same coin - as I Play out Positive Characters MOST of the time I generate all the negative energy I deny I create within me in secret creating a hidden monster that I fear, because I know I am hiding the other half of the coin as the negative form most people and that it has to go somewhere. As this is most of the time taken to a secret place it will grow and grow as I do not attend to it within self forgiveness and STOP.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself play out a positive character to stop and see why and to take a deep breath and to not play out any one of the polarities and to not deny any polarity, and to breathe through the experiences and to investigate the points and how I create them, to stop and bring myself back to what is here as Life as the physical one and equal, and to not Fare being exposed as I see and realize that the Good character is just as bad as the bad character and vice verse, as they both require each other and that my opinion I have of "it is better to play out the good characters rather than the bad ones is misguided as both are the same simply a different experience and that it is not Best for all life in all ways to play out either one polarity as both feed and nourish each other. Thus it is to breathe and remain here with no
Judgment.

Day 152 - Fear of Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here in breathe where there is no mind that controls my every movement, instead of me living in and as my movement in awareness of me here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect living to an energetic experience of either good or bad, not seeing and realizing that as long as I rely on being alive to be based on a feeling then I can never live as the feelings/emotions is always dependent on the input. And thus I see and realize that I am LIFE and thus always Life and that the fear of living is me holding me back as LIFE as the mind as thoughts feeling and emotions that puts limits on Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I move and direct my day to do so dependent on how I feel, and that I will only enjoy my day if I feel alive, instead of realizing I am LIFE and thus as LIFE I am here living as the physical and thus feelings and emotions and thoughts are but limiting me from expressing myself in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control all my movements in my
Daily participation with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through controlling all my life thought thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am here and that waiting for a feeling or an emotion to make me feel alive is me only hiding in fear of living here and seeing what is actually here as me as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD myself back within life as LIFE through the thoughts/feelings/emotions I participate within that only controls my behavior
according to fear and survival of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive my expression must always be BIG and wonderful and remember able.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being alive to a energetic experience that feels BIG and that take over my body, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact only limiting myself to that experience to be able to feel alive and thus enslave myself to a lifelong search to feel alive for this energetic experience and thus never living here as the breathe that is always here as LIFE and not subject or limited to any or only one thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the thoughts/feeling/emotions that control my everyday movements and behaviors in the name of survival and to actually live here as the breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mind control as the thoughts/feelings/emotions where my mind controls my body in complete limitation and enslavement to energy and to fear who I will be without the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, where I let go of knowing as the three of knowledge of good and evil, and where I decide t eat from the tree of life that is neither good not evil but only what is best for all life in all ways and thus not knowledge or information needed to LIVE but to simply LIVE as LIFE one and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and aso I am within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I am actually literally mind control myself as the body and thus not living but controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control I have limited myself to as a belief of what life is and to actually live here in each breathe that is unknown yet known.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive means I must be doing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be alive I just do out of the ordinary things, not seeing and realizing that through such a belief I am only validating the belief that I am not alive when I am not doing something out of the ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make living difficult for myself through placing being alive outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make living a feeling and thus to within this always being in search of life instead of seeing and realizing that I am literally already LIFE as the physical and thus I am here alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm life as I seek to be alive outside of myself as separate from life here through taking what is here and to turn it all into a energy experience at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within the belief of I must feel alive to be alive I am actually only contradicting myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I place being alive in a feeling/emotion that I am actually telling myself I am a zombie walking around in search of/and feasting of LIFE and devouring LIFE to feed myself just to feel alive, and thus create a system that is no different such as capitalism where the system keeps on feeding on earth just to keep it alive even at the cost of earth (life).

I commit myself to when and as I see myself seeking to be alive, to stop and breathe and realize I am here already LIFE in and as the physical as plain simple common sense can show me in all ways possible and that seeking to be alive is a symptom of brainwashing and mind control that has been deliberately created within the world to make people BUY buy and BUY so that money can be made and so that a very few people can become stinking rich because everyone is in search for LIFE, while it is a search that can never be achieved as long as everyone do not see the obvious and look to self and what is HERE. The perfect scam..

Day 151 – Asking for Milk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when our house runs out of milk and I have to go to the other house to ask for more milk, to feel guilty for asking for more milk, as I believe that me asking for more milk is me taking their milk just so that I may have for instance a cup of coffee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the guilt is only a feeling I have when asking for milk because I was raised and brought up in a system where LIFE cost money and within that I have developed guilt when I ask for something simple as milk for coffee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others when I go to them asking for more milk, within the fear that they will judge me for using lots of milk and only making the monthly expenses more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that asking for more milk DOES make the monthly expensed more and thus more money must be spend for me to have more milk, I see and realize that it is not a point to feel guilty about but to check Who I am when I ask for milk and what thoughts/back chat I participated within to have accumulated fear when asking for milk and guilt when I receive milk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use milk daily from the starting point of indulging in drinking milk because I resist drinking water as i have judged water as not “tasting” like anything and so instead of drinking what worse and what is here I down a litre of milk a day that does cost more money, all for the sake of a thought/belief in my mind that I have about water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink milk every time I open the fridge till it is finished, and to then when it is finished -- I know I did it purposely not considering the actual reasons/purposes we bought milk for, such as coffee or cereal, and now that I finished it I have to now go and get more milk for the rest of the house for the coffee and cereal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I created the guilt and fear when I ask for milk through my actions in the past where I made decisions within the secret mind that is always based on self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I pen the fridge and I see the milk and I think in my mind “ OH just a few sips quickly” and then take a few sips that it ads up to me finishing a whole bottle a day as I entertained the thought that was backed up with justifications such as “ a few sips will not make a difference”, “I deserve a few sips”, “ I am hot and the cold milk will cool me down” and to then play out the actions of drinking the milk till it is done at the end of the day, knowing we ALL still had to use milk for purposes that includes the whole group, and now I have to go to another house and ask for milk that they have and did not finish in self interest like I did and take their milk from them and to within this as the fear – fear that my actions would be questioned for why we run out of so much milk so fast, that I also then know costs more money and that the money could have been spend on something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I keep on entertaining the thought every time I open the fridge to drink the milk and to then act out on it because I refuse to actually re-hydrate my body through drinking water, due to the judgments/opinions I have created around water and so have all the outflows of all the consequences JUST within my life within this one situation on this one point, not yet looking at my life where all points is playing out like this and costing literally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop and breathe and simply drink a glass of water and to see what is real and not - and obviously to be most practical within the current reality of this world where everything functions with money and where everything costs money that I do, even opening the fridge door every time I just want to take one sip of milk and that it is not to judge or demonize the milk or from having a sip, but to stop the part where I am literally only consuming for the sake of it and not addressing the point practically and thus only cost money and compromise the house and other houses all because I was following one thought.

I commit myself to when and as I open the fridge for any reason and I see the milk to not drink the milk, and to instead go and fill up a cup of water and drink the water and to stop the attempt to quench my first with everything I can BUT water - and to actually support my body with water as 70% of me is water and thus it is but only common sense and to stop wasting money on mind bullshit that isn’t real but only self indulgence.

Day 150 – Living Commitment – Day 21 of 21 – False Image Stability Final.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on breathing that I started to focus on my breathing as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my breathing limited to a certain idea of breathing where I only breathe and do not live HERE in and as the physical where my breathe expands into al that is here as awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I focus on my breathing within in me I compromise myself within interacting in my reality as the breathing becomes a Thought within me where I breathe in reaction to a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have made breathing an obsession where I breathe as the mind instead of breathing HERE as all that is here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I walk around in my day to focus so much on breathing that I am not aware as my breath as all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I make breathing my only focus then I cannot interact or be aware of LIFE HERE as breath as the breathe becomes internal instead of expanding me as life in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe as a mind awareness instead of a physical one and equal breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have created a breathing character as the mind, where I play the role of "I am focusing on breathing now" and that this role becomes the main characters only role and thus I see and realize I have trapped myself/limited myself to only play this role of "breathing" instead of breathing in fact here as a living expression of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make breathing role I must play, instead of breathing here as the physical naturally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so in fear of not breathing and having thoughts that I have become breath obsessed and within this literally only internalize my reality instead of expanding me in each breath as LIE here, where my in breathe is bring all LIFE here and my out breathe is me expanding myself into and as all LIFE one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I focus on my breath internally I am only validating the breathe as having to work on the internal reality and thus never truly expand as LIFE as what is here in and as the physical in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my breathe only on breathing through mind possessions and internal energies and thoughts and stopping them, and through only doing this I have programmed and patterned my breathe to only function for this reason and so I will only breathe to work on the internal reality and never become aware of what is here as all life as I train my breathe to not be expansive but only limited to working with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have for so long focused on breathing just WITHIN me that my breath has become a inner reality anticipating the next inner conflict, and thus I see and realize that I have only been breathing and literally trained my breathe to only anticipate the mind and the energetic experiences, instead of moving from the mind as the breathe expanding me here as life as the physical where the breath is not longer subject to only be a function of working through mind fucks, but to be here as LIFE where a mind fuck is simply a breathe to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I walk everyday all day only breathing to get through points that I am only telling my body that I am breathing only to work through the same patterns every day, instead of training my breathe HERE out of the mind in and as the physical in actual awareness of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my breathe through being so focused on stopping my inner reality that I have not considered to actually breathe here as the physical reality, and thus the compromise is me breathing inward instead of outwards as all life only re-creating the inner reality as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative energy experience to breathing as I have only used my breathe to work on stopping the mind and everything I have judged as the mind as negative and bad and wrong, and so I have also judged the breathing as a implication of I must be in the wrong now as I need to focus on breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a judgment/experience to breathing that creates and generate fear and anxiety within me the whole time as I belief I am only now breathing because I am fucked or will be fucked or that I am bad, instead of breathing to actually in fact be here out of the mind and as the physical reality, where I am aware of everything here as me, that I can be aware of a fly on the wall.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself breathing only to generate inner experiences to stop and realize I am not breathing as breathing isn’t a focus on the mind as a mind focus and that breathing is breathing here as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself breathing to stop a thought and the thought does not stop here instantly, that I am not breathing but actually in breathe only focusing on the thought and thus keeping the thought here, as breathing is a physical act where a thought can come and simply in a single breath go, as the breathe is a breathe and not a focus on the thoughts/feeling/emotion.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself within a energetic experience of myself of emotion/feeling/thought and I am breathing to breathe through the experience and the experience isn’t stopping but continue, to see and realize for myself that my breathing is actually giving/participating in the experience as a mind breathing, and so to BREATH here as the physical where I breath all LIFE here and breathe myself our into life as life as to make that the actual focus of my breathing here.

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

Day 149 – Living Commitment – Day 20 of 21 – False Image Stability continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant expectation of the worst to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the worse that can happen to me is being yelled at and that my "stable" calm mode will be disrupted and that I will within this have a mind fuck about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be disrupted by an outside force and that this can be the worst that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear of being disrupted, seeing and realizing that for me to be able to be disrupted like a volcano erupting is only showing me that I hide a lot of stuff within me that I keep secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I keep secret within me such as thoughts will be revealed at any moment and that I will be exposed and that within this I will not be stable and calm and at peace with myself but the opposite, and within that I do not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what I fear to come out will come out as nothing is secret but only hidden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown as who I am when I am not stable, seeing and realizing that I have seen who I am when I am not stable and since then I have only tried to hide that part of myself in the fear of this "me" showing himself when I am unstable, and thus hide all behaviours/mannerism from others and rather put on a face of stability in the hope that It will go away.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself in writing and applying self forgiveness as the Who I am when I am unstable/disrupted and to stand one and equal as me in actual stability as breathe, living self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my process on others and what they might think of me, realizing that within this I am not really facing myself in self writing and self forgiveness as I am doing everything from the starting point of only seeming to be stable, as I am trying to keep the stable image I limit myself to ever go into what is here as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as the mind and to walk for MYSELF my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process of purifying myself and standing as life on and equal in self sabotage and compromise as I limit myself within the belief that I must always only SEEM stable, yet I am not within myself stable at all, as long as I accept and allow one thought to run through me or one energetic experience I am not stable no matter what I try and present to others, thus I see and realize it isn’t what I present to others as being stable or not but that who I am as walking my process for myself, and that I do not accept and allow any thoughts/experiences within me and to not judge anything within me, as the judgment/opinion is purely me limiting myself form actually walking a point for real and stopping thoughts as the judgment only suppress or express curtain part as judgment is always based on good or bad, right or wrong and thus imitating me to actually work with all points equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that any opinion/judgment I have in relation to the experiences I have or the thought will only make the thoughts more and so the experiences as well, instead of breathing and not judging no matter what and thus not participating and giving it attention and so it is simple to breathe through the point, as I see this I yet have to actually realize it as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see thoughts/backchat happening within me to have the back chat of "Shit I am thinking I must stop" and to within this react and have a fear/anxious energy building up within me towards me having thoughts/backchat as the judgment I have when I say "shit I am thinking I must stop" is negatively charged and fear based as being wrong and that I am bad person. Realizing that yes thoughts are only abuse and not real and a lie, and this is not a point to fear/react from but to understand and to stop as breathe.

To be continued.

Day 148 – Living Commitments – Day 19 of 21 – False Image - Stability

Image of what I would Like instead of being in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be Stable as a Image of my likeness of being stable, realizing that within this I am but only am image and thus the stability isn’t real as who I am as the physical as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Focus on a Image that I like of what I belief to present stability and to only be concerned about this image and to present myself as stable to show to others that I have Changed and am stable now – look at me I am stable, seeing and realizing that within this I never look inward at myself as the thoughts/feelings/emotions and only suppress and deny all thoughts/feelings/emotions and thus create a build up of anxiety/fear/stress.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as I suppress/deny the thoughts/feeling/emotions within me just to sustain the Image of stability I become anxious/stressed as the thoughts/feelings/emotions built up and the image becomes fragile and thus I go into fight or flight mode where I attack/react to everything and everyone that threatens to break the image I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I access fight or flight mode when I have suppressed/denied what goes on within me and only bottled it up while I present an image that is seemingly stable, and that anyone or anything that can Cause Instability within me through creating more thoughts/feelings/emotions is seen as a threat and I will thus either run/hide or impose/fight to not show what is truly going on within me but to rather sustain the exclusionary image of stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through presenting an image of stability to all those around me within the suttle belief that it will make me stable, yet it is only making me more reactive/angry and irritated and thus only becoming a danger to myself as I will do anything to defend myself to keep the image instead of simply focusing on MySelf and what I accept and allow within me in each moment and to write and self forgive what is going on within me and to actually stabilize myself as breathe in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief it is wrong to “look” unstable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as “weak” when I do not seem stable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work through the points in my life that I face daily as myself unconditionally even if it means I will be unstable for a moment and not LOOK right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that seem “unstable” and thus I want to always look stable in order to not be seen as a fear factor to others, yet I become a danger to myself through pretending and not working on my daily points just to keep up with the image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that if I have thoughts and I am working through them and I look unstable – which will show all around me that I am in thoughts that I will be seen as weak and unable to stop thoughts, and to instead of working through the thoughts I instead Look stable and suppress/deny thoughts which creates a inner bomb. Thus I realize it is best for myself to rather look unstable but to at least work on the points in the moments and to purify myself so that I can be stable in fact as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself in my actions and my image as someone that is stable and better than everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that stability is not with how one looks and present themselves, stability is self here as breathe, and breathe is possible in all physical ways and not within a perfect picture Idea of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as unstable, not seeing and realizing that within the fear of not being stable I act out a character that pretends to be stable on the outside, not seeing and realizing that within doing this where I make stability a picture I do not look/focus on what is going on within me but rather on the outside, causing me to become unstable within what is going on within me and bottling it all up but never expressing it just to keep the image.

To be Continued.