This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html
From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”
Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations.
I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control.
I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out.
Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security.
Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table.
Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself.
I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time.
This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time.
When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff.
Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do.
I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it, am somewhere else.
This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything.
If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.
To be continued.