Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 2

 

This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html

 

From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations. 

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control. 

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out. 

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security. 

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table. 

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself. 

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time. 

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time. 

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff. 

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do. 

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,  am somewhere else. 

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. 

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

To be continued.

Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 1

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is my mother going??

I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.

My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.

In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with, even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out there. 

How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes it lead to weird things, or not so cool things. 

I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be there. 

For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something. 

Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing out, I fear missing something. Back at square one. 

When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense and self-honesty within my reasons. 

For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say, just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the fields today before the rain comes.

This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way, YET, he caught me each time. 

This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town, someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could do best and get things done. 

So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after other things in the fear of missing out. 

After those three months and a bit more, I started going to town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm support. 

Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind consciousness systems. 

This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was doing to myself, selling myself out. 

Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to town as I was. 

I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time. 

I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.

Defending self to not change

When and as I see I have made a mistake, I commit myself to not go into defense of what I missed, or did not consider, but to instead take a breath, see the points, drop the energy that I within my body, my chest, and to relax, stop all words that want to come out of my mouth in a natural way, to instead look within, see who I am within this, and allow growth, expansion by admitting my miss take and to take it in and to make it part of my consideration. 

My weaknesses are exposed through others giving feedback, when I take it personal I know I must take breath, see and realize that I am facing a weakness, the defensive mechanism activating within me to want to TELL why and how I made the mistake, is defending the mistake, it is to justify the mistake, and so I cannot learn from the mistake, I will only keep on missing it, not taking it, not expanding and learning. 

When I react to others words and how I take them, I know it is MY interpretation of what their words are meaning, how I am taking them, how the words are hitting the notes within me, the notes that are already existent within me, I am an instrument, If I am not tuned in to SOUND, but rather tuned in to EGO as energy and personality, then words will activate the energy, the personality and the through my reactive behaviors I will play music accordingly, where I can play the SOUND of life as self-responsibility, or I can play the Sound of energy and characters where the words are swords, meant to get back, defend and not grow and expand. 

When and as I read or hear the words of another that is directed to me, that is meant for me, and I pick up a “feeling” that there is something else behind their words, such as frustrations, anger, annoyance or a certain energy that is sharp as to stab me, to then stop this “feeling” that Is a defensive mechanism of MY personality/Ego already having a military grade defense system build in that is already ready to attack, where the energy then possess my body and shakes my body to possess my words, where my reaction isn’t a direction as a direct action of me anymore, but rather fulled with energy as something else that now in return will have a sharp energy to stab the other person back with anger, frustration or annoyance, thus not standing as self-redirected principle as breath, but rather only existing as a limited organic robot with automatic responses enforcing an abusing cycle. 

When I react and find myself possessed within an energy of self-righteousness, I stop the words that are ready made, ready to just slip out and respond, I give to myself the moment, the breath, to swallow those words and to stop that energy through breathing, to then remove the personal, to embrace LIFE, where I am an instrument of LIFE, and the music as the words I play stand as SOUND and not energy, I remove the emotions and the personal, I look within and I calm my waters, the storm that has been stirred, I see and realize in the moment that this storm isn’t who I am, the lightning and thunder does not have to be the answer, I can instead tell the storm to remove itself, and what remains is me, here calm, standing, as the E-motions, the motion of energy is gone, and I remain as the motion of LIFE, so I speak words that is self-responsible as creator, not blamer, justifier or manipulator, I embrace change, that who I am as the energy ends and I can reborn myself within that moment as a new me, as the moment is here, the opportunity, and this I am grateful for, no matter how hard it can be or is, I embrace absolute self-responsibility and to change, as that is the way forward, living self-forgiveness to drop the ego, energy and be humble. 

Time manifested reactions. When I find within myself, that I have created a certain perspective, opinion about another Peron and what I believe their perception is of me, where I believe their perception of me is that of lesser, of inferior, of not capable, of not able, due to how I take their words, how I receive their words, how I FEEL their words. I allow myself to stop the stereo typing of another and how I FEEL them being towards me in relation to me within me, as I am the holder and beholder of the perception I have of them as to what perception they have of me, as every word, every action I take around or in relation to that person or persons will always be to try and defend my own perception of myself against their perception of me as what I perceive them to have a perception of me, and thus I always walk in defense and control, never allowing me to drop all perceptions, to drop all expectations and to actually breathe and live. 

THUS – I see and realize that I hold perception of others within my mind and who they are based on believes and assumptions of what perceptions they are holding of me, and so I am creating and manifesting these perceptions in reality, as my words and actions are a reaction to the perceptions and thus creating them, manifesting them, so when someone comes to me and says something to me, I already have a ready-made answer, reaction towards that person, as I believe their words and actions towards me is coming from the perception they have of me – which comes from the perception I have of them and what they have of me, so I react and act in ways that makes no sense to them, yet I feel I have to constantly defend myself, my perception of myself. I see this is a battle of illusions. 

When someone points out something about me, and I see myself reacting to the person pointing out the point to me, I stop and I breathe, as I realize and SEE that I am only reacting because of the believe I have of that person and what I believe their relationship is within themselves towards me, so I always find their words and actions as an attack towards me, because of hat I am holding within me as the STORY, where I have placed the CHARACTERS in my story as always being the bad guys and I am the good guy, and thus everyone is out to get me and I must fight this great battle to just make it through, to make it to the end of the story. 

When I fuck up, make a mistake and it is noticed by others, I commit myself to not make it personal as to what the responses will be, I see and realize that it is always about self-forgiveness and not others forgiving me, as I must change in fact to stop making the mistake, using shame and guild as a defensive mechanism will not change anything but accumulate a negative ball of energy that will manifest the same shit again, and so I see and realize that if confrontation occurs of a mistake or fuck up that I have created/made, that it can never be personal, as I can never actually in fact change by defending myself with others, by justifying myself, but to instead admit the mistake and take self-responsibility, and that It must be TRUE to me, self-honest that I will change, and not something based on how I am feeling by being confronted, by being pointed out a mistake I have made, or how the mistake has made others feel, or what their perception or idea is about me making the mistake, as such starting point for change isn’t valid and based on nothing more than energy that in due time disappears. I see that I must make the consequences REAL for myself, to not avoid them, to face them, to change and to stand up and know that I WILLED myself to change, by my directive principle and decisions to stand for LIFE as all life as who I am to be that which is best for all life.