Day 300 - Not good enough character.

After a few weeks now at my new job I have come to see allot of myself, who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. It is quite revealing to see the characters come out to play, and they come out without even me being able to stop them, it is 'natural ‘to who I am so to say, but it is obviously not natural.



I am at work I am having fun, I have confidence and I trust myself, I am moving and directing myself, I am doing my job good, not yet perfect, I am still training, I am direct with the people around me and I am standing equal to them.



Then the manager comes, suddenly I turn into the Goofy guy, I lose focus and I keep on smiling and 'pretend ‘A lot more to be 'happy'- like this will impress the boss/manager.



For the manager I will do anything he asks of me, without question, like I MUST do it to keep him happy, I must be obedient at all costs, and look so willing, I have talked about this point before and written about it, but the point that I see here is that it isn’t specific to one person, it is to all the people in the world that I have given this power to over me, and It is irritating.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to certain people in my life to define me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give the power to certain other people in my world to define me as I know that if I give them that power then they will accept me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those who accept me.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance from authority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically built my characters according to that which I have observed that the authority accepts and allows just so that I can be accepted and thus be in the good books.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my integrity to bend and fold myself according to what the authorities want to be happy with me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the presence of authority to go into fear of not being liked and thus being in danger of losing my job.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see authority to fear not being accepted and to thus go into compromise to for a moment PLAY a role that is submissive and obedient in all ways.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show myself as weak in the presence of authority so that the authority can feel like the authority and thus be happy.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in the presence of authority and that being myself will not be accepted.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my strong stable side and independence to authority in the fear that the authority might find it intense.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving off an intense presence of who I am.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose my job if I am not happy around the authority and that the authority might find me useless if I am not



I can’t seem to find that one point, the point I am missing, the character has become me to such an extent.



It is a point of not being good enough. That I can see, maybe I am looking for to much and thus confusing myself. I will stick to this one point for now.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am in the presence of authority that the Idea/belief I have of myself as not being good enough intensifies as I see authority as people that is experts and can see anything of me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make my fears and insecurities about the authorities and thus give the power to change myself away to authorities.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can never be good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am incapable of ever being good at anything and thus fear the authority as being able to see this and then within this give into the fear and submit like a puppy to authority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into being submissive when and as I see I lack confidence as a way to protect myself from being seen as having no confidence as the character of submissiveness will do anything that is pleasing and as long as I am pleasing everyone is happy and thus will not see my low self confidence which is a weakness.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having not self confidence when and as I am in the eyes of authority.



To be continued, more investigation will come into this point.

Day 299 – Do this Do that Do this Do that...

Today I had a reaction, more of a built up, a guy at work told me a week ago that I must not do everything all the other salesmen are asking me, they will take advantage of me, and once I give into helping them they will make it a habit, this advise I took, because he said, you are here to learn from this one guy, so don’t go doing everything for all the other salesmen, I said ok, but doing things for others is good training so that I will know I am able to do everything that is required to do and I will know how to do it best and that I can always do it, he Said NO, you must say No.

So the reaction from today came from a week long period after he told me that, HE has been asking me to do everything he can for him, even though I am not under his training, it is interesting to observe how he is doing exactly what he warned me to Not do for the others and now it seems he got me to himself LOL.

So the example will be as follow, he comes to work with his car, he parks it in a certain spot, later during the day he has to move it, literally like ten meters away, so he is standing outside doing nothing at that moment but he will call me and then when I come he will say, can you move that car for me, he puts the keys in my hands and he will say, just put it right over there, so I reacted, this has been happening daily a lot, He will ask me to do things like this all the time, I am not training with him but he is in the same office as me and the other guy, so it seems it has become a convenience for him.

I must remove this reaction and the built up which is through the back chat I have and which starts with the observations I make that is always already set within Judgment. Because I can see that if I continue the reaction/built-up that I will compromise and sabotage myself at some point within reacting, and not even towards him maybe, but towards someone else, like the boss or manager when they ask me to do something that I judge as stupid with the back chat that I have already trained to sound justifiable and full of reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the reactions about the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reaction Is within me and thus I must deal with the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards the other person when and as he asks me to do something for him that I judge as Stupid and that he can do it himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take it personal when and as the other person asks of me to do something that I judge as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what the other person ask of me as stupid and to within that have the back chat of @why can’t he do it himself he must be lazy@.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the other person that asks of me to do things that I judge as stupid and small as being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of 'why can’t he do it himself, he must be lazy ‘to exist within me and to move and direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of seeing the other guy just using me so that he can do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret back chat of @he must be using me just because he knows he can@ to exist within me and to direct me as reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a irritating feeling/emotion towards the other guys and so every time he calls me I am already within a reaction towards him as a preparation of a defence system for him to NOT ask me anything, seeing and realizing how this is compromising me and my effectiveness for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance towards work and being at work in the expectation anticipation of him asking me to just do stupid little thing she whole time that I find to be tiring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is all the small things that is asked of to do that is tiring me out, seeing and realizing that it is not the things I am doing but that Thoughts and the back chat and the experiences I create that tire me out as a excuse and a way of seeking attention to say LOOK I worked hard and you tired me out, that I can and may later on use as a excuse when I react and have an argument to use as @look you make me tired asking me to do all these small things you can do yourself all the time while I am here to learn from the other guy and you just use me all the time and now I am losing out on learning, seeing and realizing that this is revealing my true nature as me not being able to handle myself and my job within and as breathe and thus I must breath and stop all mind participation before it is too late and consequences will be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is the work I am doing that tires me out, seeing and realizing it is the secret work I am doing in my Mind while I am doing nothing that is actually tiring me out and thus already within that compromising and sabotaging myself from being effective and successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that being tired all the time is already a consequence of participating within the mind.

I commit myself to when and as I wake up to Breathe and to let go of all expectations/anticipations and to clear myself effectively from all thoughts/projections of the day so that I can be here and start fresh every breathe and move myself effectively as myself for myself.

I commit myself to when and as the other guy asks of me to do something to take a deep breath and to look within me what is here as the energy/reactions which only takes a few seconds and to NOT give them any attention as being real, but to be self honest about them and to forgive myself and let it go, and to within that move myself and breathe. Till i can see and practically know I can do it as much as possible as long as possible without ever reacting or being moved by reaction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that if I do react to take a deep breath and to within self honesty realize that it is NOT real and that it is MY own experience of myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the limitation and a pre-programmed being that has a set of programmes within me that always compromise and sabotage me from moving within the system and becoming successful and changing this fucking world once and for all.

I commit myself to let go of all self interest that I face during the day and to apply myself within NO morality when and as I see that I am faced with pre-programming and to effectively direct myself to move within the best interest of all life and that this movement isn’t limited to time and space and to what I can do and cannot do and what I like to do or not like to do but that this movement is always doing what needs to be done till it is done (change the human and change the world to that which is best for all life).

Day 298 – To soft To Kind for the Job, Commitments Part 3.

 Day 296 - To Soft To Kind for the Job part 2

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am accessing the Kind and soft character to stop and to breathe and to look at why I am doing it, to assess the point self honestly and what the consequences of my actions will be.

I commit myself to when and as I have assessed myself to direct myself within common sense and self honesty without any energy movement within me and to do what requires to be done.

I commit myself to when and as I access the character playing the roles of being kind and soft to be self honest with myself in the moment to see the consequences of my actions in the moment and to direct myself rather to act where the consequences is what is best and not that of self sabotaging.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into fear of confrontation to stop and to breathe and to trust my breathe and to let go of the experience within the moment to not avoid going into the character of soft and kind but to prevent myself from blindly going with it.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into the fear of facing conflict to use the knowledge and information I have of “knowing thy self” and to practically apply myself in the moment to prevent myself from falling into the same potholes as the “soft/kind Character” that always have to consequences of me being used and taken advantage of and not standing by principal, seeing and realizing that within playing the character of soft and kind as manipulation I am giving everything else permission to equally manipulate me, give as you would like to receive.

I commit to when and as I see that I am about to open myself up for manipulation through my own actions/words of manipulation to stop and to breathe within the realization that I do not like to be manipulated and thus I must not manipulate but to simply be direct and straight forward.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself confusing being direct and straight forward with being mean and reactive and loud to stop and to breathe and to correct myself through stopping all inner experiences and to focus on the physical here as movement and words and not as energy and reactions that in itself is still manipulation.

I commit myself to when and as I see that there is conflict/confrontations to breathe and to not let any energy move within me, to within this instead focus on resolving the conflict or to face the confrontation.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I want to win a conversation where there is conflict or confrontation to stop and to breathe and to face the reality of what’s going on and not the back chat inner conversation or to follow the energy reactions within me.

I commit myself to when and as I see that others are manipulating me or using me to NOT react or to make it personal for myself, but to breathe and to do the job till it is done. To not compromise myself or my job for the sake of self interest.

I commit myself to when and as I see that others are attacking me in their words or being nasty or mean to NOT take it personal but to breathe and to see within myself what’s within me instead of making it personal and to resolve that which is within me and to breathe till I am clear and standing.

I commit myself to NOT be taken for a fool and to stand up for myself when and as I see that what’s happening isn’t part of the job but simply abuse of and from people, to speak with common sense and not with reactions and FEAR.

I commit myself to when and as I I have to do a job to do everything to get the Job done without morality or personal Ideas/beliefs about myself to keep me from finishing the job.

I commit myself to be assertive within speaking to people.

I commit myself to Not have morality within the system and to try and attempt to play by my rules while I am within the systems rules, seeing and realizing how this compromises and sabotages my effectiveness within the system.

Day 297 – Bubble worlds of escape.

I am diverting from Yesterdays blog to bring about this point that I have noticed and have been aware of for a long time, I haven’t been ready to write about it till today.

I woke up Half Past Four this morning to leave at Quarter past five for a Long trip to the Harbor of Durban, as a request from work to pick up certain people and bring them back to our shop.

So as always I like to ride in silence, meaning NO radio or Music or anything, and to be aware of my surroundings rather, me breathing and checking myself and whatever I am accepting and allowing within me and to purify with breathe as stopping.

I then decided to turn on the music; this was half an hour into the trip, since it was going to be a long trip still, and I listen to music without words mostly, which is what I prefer.

But as it turns out the CD was scratched and the music did not want to play, so I turned on the Radio instead – I breathe and listen to whatever they bring on.

It turns out they LOVE LOVE and LOVE playing the same songs over and over and over and over and keep saying that it is YOUR favorite songs that you voted on, obviously that isn’t so, but after a while I felt forced to like the song, I felt that I was not starting to experience the song.

I realized almost instantly hat i is a mind fuck happening, but as I saw that I wanted to PULL myself from it, I instead went into it, because I trust myself to be able to get out of whatever mind fuck I set myself into, I did this deliberately with me being the one directing it, I wanted to do it so that I can see what is here.

I accepted and allowed the music to flow through me, I allowed myself to go into the music and whatever experience it brings up.

I felt the song, i enjoyed the song, I was creating fantasy worlds and relationships and HOPES and dreams and Beliefs and Ideas and I was going nuts with this song and how I created this WHOLE picture for me.

After a while of driving and going through this I found myself Living in another world, my mind, I was driving a bit more un-aware so to say, I was less focused, but I was feeling good, I was dancing to the music and taking on characters of the imagination, I was just letting it all flow, letting myself go unconditionally to see.

THEN, I came to my destination – I climbed out of the car and BOOM – reality hit me, the MUSIC stopped, Live outside of the car seems to dull and boring and just all the same as always, full of crap and peoples shit and dirty streets and bad air and all this shit.

I just wanted to climb back into the car and let myself go, I wanted to escape to that different world.
But I could not, I had to wait for the people, I waited for another hour there, it was a long day, they came and we climbed in the car and off we went.

We arrived at the destination and we did not listen to the radio or anything all the way back, it was easy as I was again breathing here focused.

So at the Shop i was asked again to go somewhere, I then got the stuff that was requested of me, it if a hustle and dealing with people and walking and doing all the physical daily things that builds stress and that makes a person Zombie like, then there is the Car, the little Bubble I can go to, there is entertainment, there is another world I can go to, the people on the radio is always laughing and happy and they always have only good music and the best shit.

It is like the people on radio lives a life I do not know of, the music sings and speaks of worlds I have never seen, But I want it, I need it, it makes me feel so good and different.

So I climb into the car, there it is the radio, I knew what I was doing and decided it’s enough investigation for one day, I did not turn the music on or anything, I drove off breathing.

Then I realize, there is so many BUBBLES in this world, there is people’s homes, there is the private office of each person, there is cell phones, people walking with earphones in all the time, there is Malls where music plays all the time and shiny lights are always around and there is distractions around each and every corner, it isn’t like the rest of your day there, you can go an escape, get away from the Reality.

Music/TV/Radio makes Relationships always sound so awesome/shiny and I am talking here about YOU/ME in our Relationships towards everything, not just the one of a male female.

This is scary, because everyone hates their jobs and hates Mondays and hates the rest of the week, we all put on fake masks and Play a role for the day, till we can climb in the car and Forget, create another world for ourselves in there till tomorrow, and do the same at home, or even attempt to do it while working.

Here is a summary:
WE start our days with waking up and thinking about the shitty day ahead the same day waiting ahead, we get ready and then we move into a Bubble such as our car, in the car we use the entertainment there to gives us a high, to give us a different Feeling of the day, to get happy, to get ready to pretend, to get ready to follow dreams and pursuits, and then we get out and we get hit by reality, then we do this all day, we find these Bubbles somewhere – buying candy from the shop or listening to music or making a joke here or there or whatever, to give us a boost in Positive energy (since the whole day is really a negative, we can’t ignore the fact, surviving to feed yourself through having to comply to a system where we must be enslaved to money isn’t positive at all) a moment of Hiding to keep ourselves going till the day ends.

dare yourself to not listening to the radio for 21 days, and watching TV for 21 days do exclusive intenet things to find out the weather or news., and not going to the movies for a entire month, or putting earphones in your ears for 21 days, or being on your phone all day but only for calls for 21 days, and don’t go clubbing or partying or anything that is a form of entertainment for 21 days, and see what’s here for yourself, stop the habits/pattern of hiding through creating inner realities of hopes and dreams to squander in. face the music of life rather – it is best to not ignore the shit that is here and to join in to change it rather than to ignore it for the rest of your days till it consumes us all, and eventually our planet the way we live exist here.

Investigate Desteni and Equal Money System. spend your time rather on this.

Day 296 – To soft, To Kind for the Job P2

Continuing from Day 295 Charming Character on the Job P1.

So here I am looking at the two words and how I live them, Soft and Kind, I see and I realize that I have lived these two words as a way to Protect myself, within the believe that being Kind and Soft will always shelter me from conflict or being hated or bad gossip or nasty people, I was raised to fear it, I was raised to do those things I fear. So I understand why I fear it and why I have created the Soft and kind characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the soft character as manipulating others to “like” me as if I am a facebook page, to avoid conflict and confrontations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontations from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as the fears and why and how I have accepted and allowed these fears to direct me and drive my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I play the soft character as not in fear of being hard on others, that it is actually just me attempting to manipulate the other being to never be hard on me, because I justify it through the back chat of, If I am not hard on you then you cannot be hard on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hard on people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others being hard on me and through this fear never be hard on others even when it is necessary and so compromise myself and the other being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hard on others within the believe that I must first know how to be hard on others, seeing and realizing that this is just a justification and a way of manipulating myself to not go there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as the hard guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being talked about as the hard guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse being hard on people and being hard on myself as being harsh on others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I must move and direct myself in each breathe here and not within each fear as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to USE Kindness as a way to get people on my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see being kind as the only way of getting people on my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that only through manipulation can I get people on my side and thus use kindness and abuse it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a moral belief that if I am kind I cannot be unkind and have no mercy, seeing and realizing that this is a limitation within what I have to do and that this is a sabotaging point in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unkind to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feedback from others if I had to be unkind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the minds of others changing about me once I am unkind, seen as being unkind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I do not approach people in a kind matter that they will reject me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that to be normal as myself here as not kind or soft isn’t allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a defense system up when I communicate with others and that they will see right through me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself to that which is best for all life and that will make a machine ut of me that gets things done where I have no morality and simply common sense and NO fear and simply self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use kindness and softness to hide me from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use kindness and softness to hide me as the physical from the world as that which is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I use kindness and softness around others that it is to protect them from my reactions and what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I play the kind soft character that I am in polarity creating a monster within me. Because the feedback I will get from the kind/soft character will not always be that which I expect back and this creates a lot of doors for demons to crawl into and create back chat and gossip in the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I create the inner experiences I have of fear and anger and hatred within me through the characters I play in reverse during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be me and to instead play characters that create more characters that create demons in the head that is dangerous to myself and others and that this is what I try and avoid more and more within playing these characters more and more and every time the character fails The demon grows, because I am creating it, INSTEAD of living self honesty as who I am as the physical not needing a character but myself doing everything breathe by breathe.

To be Continued with Commitments statements next.