Headache - what can create one? Day 9 of 21 - Day 594

I woke up this morning with a headache, now waking up with a headache for me is very strange, and this headache was very annoying, it is heavy, every slight movement I make where my head is moving, I feel the headache. All day I had to move slowly, I had to be aware of all my movement a lot more.

I assessed what the headache can be, is it due to something physically missing or lacking in the body? Or a mind point. So I drank water and ate fruits and more meals, as I felt my body needed, yet the headache is still here. So now in Self-forgiveness I will open up my experience towards the headache.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this headache.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this headache for LIMITING my movements and participation of me during my day and to within this Blame, blame my body for creating this headache, when I know the body does not create headaches, but how I participate and use the body and thus how I accept and allow the mind to run free within doing with the body as it pleases. And thus I am responsible and I must take self-responsibility for my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think many things during my day instead of acting/living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK about what I want to do and to just keep thinking about it, not acting on it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when I SEE what is here and what I can do and I do not act on it, if I do not live what I SEE is possible here and to either direct myself to live it, do it later of right now, and to rather go and THINK more and more on it, and thus when I do not act when I SEE I turn all the potential of the physical into thinking and thoughts and regrets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this headache that compromises my physical movement as a reflection of how I have been compromising my physical movement when I do not act but rather turn the potential of me HERE into thoughts, into future and then past and to never LIVE, for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to JUDGE myself when and as I see what is HERE as the physical living potential of and as ME and to rather go into the mind and not expand myself, live creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a physical living potential where I will benefit and ALL to rather go into the mind as limitations, where I start thinking, I am not ready for this, I need to prepare more for this, I am not professional enough for this, I do not look good enough to do this, I do not have the skills right now that matches what I want to create YET so best that I do nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIVE in my mind as thinking as imagination, as I am unable to breathe and direct my reality as the physical when and as I see, and thus as time pass by I create distrust within me within what I see as I have never established trust within myself to simply trust myself and to act, to respond, to create what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a headache over so much time of living within the mind and not living, and thus now facing the consequences of my action as my physical body being compromised, where a headache is a red light for where the body is already SO full of accumulated energy that the body/brain cannot even handle it anymore, like a soda bottle that has been shaken and needs to be opene4d up, and thus I can see this is a red light and that if I continue any further the way I have been living I will accumulate more headaches and over time more other physical problems that will match my LIVING one and equal and thus my LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place high expectations on myself of what I am supposed to live, and to within this compromise what I can live and to never act or live but wait and wait and to within this waiting for the right time, when I may be able to live up to my expectations later on create within my mind a mountain of what I haven’t lived and thus must when I am ready make up for all the times and moments I haven’t lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a headache to my physical body and capabilities, where I place everything in my head and not live here what’s possible, what is best for all and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold myself back and to rather move back into the mind and so place myself in the back of LIFE and not being an active participant as a creator of me and thus this world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself and who I am and what I can say, express, do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR living – what I SEE and to act, to respond, to be responsible, and to rather give into the fear as reasons, justifications and logic to why I am not living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish this headache away without having to physical correct myself of having to investigate the headache and how its manifestation came to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the headache and to just want the headache to go away, the same way as I have dealt with creating the headache to when and as I see what is here o be done, to be lived to bring about my utmost potential, to just make it go away and to just not having to live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the headache, just as I have been fighting myself to live and to let go of fear to stop the thinking about it and to rather LIVE it and be it, to test it out to develop myself and to be HERE.

I commit myself to when and as I see what is here as to live, to be my utmost potential, to act upon it, to breathe and to push through to not accept and allow ME to become thought, to exist as thought and every other dimension that then forms and takes creation within me as thoughts/thinking and imagination, that is always of consequences that isn’t best for all, and not myself but harmful to the body and of abuse.

The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

Day 567 - Words and Who I Am

 Who am I? When I ask this short and simple question it feels like the universe is opening up to me, I see that within the question of Who am I, I am attempting to place myself in a box, through a short description, Perhaps I must take in the Universe and see who am I in reverse to this question.

Instead of Placing myself as who I am in a short description, I can rather expend myself as who I am as all that is HERE. 

I have seen and realized that in each Breath, each moment, That I am in those breathes and moments each time living a different word, not by choice, it is as if it is happening to me, a mood will come over me and I am living the word mood, or anger, or sadness, or happiness.

There are so many words that I am living and yet not aware of them, these words describe who I am in each moment. The problem I am seeing is how I am not the directive principle of who I am in each moment/breath. 

I have been practicing and implementing a new way of defining myself in each moment/breathe - instead of me living and accepting and allowing certain unknown words to come to me and for me to live them, I take a word instead, and I embrace that new word in each moment, a word that I would like to live, a word that I see will support and assist me to become my utmost potential, to become living words. 

This is not to create a polarity, such as when I am sad, to now embrace and live the word Happiness, NO! I take a word that is a correction, looking at why did sadness just come over me, perhaps I need to embrace the word Alone, to be alone, to stand alone, to be okay with being alone, as the word alone within it can be ALL as ONE - so alone isn't really being alone, it is to be here with ALL life as One, redefined to become a living understanding and to embrace ME - because I may have been sad due to being hurt by someone else, which showed me that I was reliant on others to bring me happiness, and thus not satisfied with myself, perhaps I have never really looked at myself and said, hey let me be alone for a while and focus on myself to be satisfied with myself, let me first embrace me.

So, Who am I? I am the words that I live in each moment/breath - I can either choose the words, understand the words, live the words and direct and decide my own live, or I can just sit and let any and all words influence me, being a victim to life, as words create our Wor(l)d.

Day 523 - Thinking versus doing

 

 It seems that most of my life has been happening in my mind. I am always thinking about my potential and living it, I can see what I must do and live to achieve this utmost potential. But the thought of I am not ready yet always seem to catch me when I am unaware so I postpone the living till tomorrow. But this just becomes habitual and always end up in thought. Which in the future leads to me creating a relationship with myself of "I am a fuck up" a loser, I cant trust myself, I am worthless and useless. These believes aren't necessarily spoken or being thought of. They are more so implied in the act of postponing and not living my utmost potential. The further consequences of these actions are now me leading into destructive behavior. The opposite. Which leads to cool realization. Which is that the initial thoughts I had/ have of living my utmost potential were based on a polarity construct of positive and negative and so ot is for me to stop ALL thoughts and to forgive myself to participate in thoughts no matter how positive or negative they are and to instead focus on what is here as my practical living in each breath which is the utmost potential of me here.

Day 475 – Where is my Life Force?

Tonight I started writing this blog from a negative point of view, I did not slow down and I did not breathe to even notice what I was doing automatically. So I did slow down and I did breathe, I took that step after I did not take it, I deleted what I have already written and I really took a look at what am I doing right now, who am I within my mind at this moment? I noticed I was in a negative judgmental state about myself.

It is, as if every time I am assessing myself in the present moment I do so by taking my entire life, my entire past, but only all of that which is negative and bring it HERE and I place judgment onto myself, and then from within doing so I am actually placing this mountain on my shoulders, and then after I have done that I now feel I have enough to write about, I mean just LOOK at all the things wrong with me. Now I have good writing material.

I wanted to write about where is my life force – and tonight I want to write about where my life force is, I am going to write about me and my life force, instead of me and nagging about where is it, why do I not have it – because I am actually looking at it that way within my mind, so that is all that I can see, ignoring ALL my of me, denying myself as LIFE force here.

I am here, regardless of my form, I am here, in living or death, I am here, I am the life that surrounds me and that I am, I am not separate from anything here, the force of LIFE is who I am. I have not yet realized this or lived it at all, yet I am pushing myself within a process of rebirth, and as we know giving birth is a though and painful thing, taking acre of a baby can also be very hard. Yet in time, in breathe it is done eventually, we don’t know when – but I am making peach within the fact that it will be done I simply continue pushing till it’s done.

Pushing with the flow and directing the flow, not pushing as in forcing anything, to force something as I have been shown is to go against what is here and works at this moment and will only end up harming and breaking.

I have been pushing myself for the past few weeks beyond limited thinking patterns that has been conditioned onto me or by me, about how I must act or behave within or about certain topics or scenarios or events, and I have taken myself into the point of creation. Let me give an example.

Three nights ago I did not get much sleep at all, due to Cesar (my son) not sleeping well during the night due to teething and going through a lot of pain, my wife did not get much sleep either, even less than me, yet the next day I had to go to work – so in the morning I woke up very tired and a bit late, within this I felt stress coming up within me as I had to be at the office already for our usual morning meeting – this was me following my usual thinking pattern and how I must experience myself within it all.

As I go to the office I sat down and I had to wait for the others to arrive, so it turned out I wasn’t the latest – in that time I just sat there and breathed, in the moment of breathing I took my entire day within me and I could already see how it was playing out, me getting tired and feeling shitty all day, not being able to focus or take in all the required information and act upon it.

Within seeing this I decided that it isn’t necessary, because I can see it it means I can change it, I decided that I will instead experience myself differently, in fact I will decide for the rest of the day how I experience myself – thank you very much, and this did not mean that I now have to avoid or ignore or sidestep certain people, it meant that I took the responsibility of how I experience myself within me and I made it my own, as it is.

So during the day my situation changes, people change and where I am change and usually all these changes influence how I experience myself, in other words how much life force I have, because I have connected life force to how I experience myself. And every time thing change I would notice how I go into the reconditioned thinking patterns and experiences, but I made the decision to decide how I experience myself, so each time I took the moment and I decided for myself.

Eventually the day turned out okay and that night I was only able to go to bed at 12:30 pm, because I did not start my day off with a memory of the night before or let it influence my day or who I am, I stood in each moment new and breathing, even if the predetermined thinking took over for a while I eventually moved and directed myself out and stood as my own directive principle.

I am still doing this within all areas of my life, till I stand as the only thing moving me.

For instance – I make an agreement with myself – when I go home I do not turn up at home tired, I am alive and awake to participate with what is at home, and this agreement has been quite supportive and how I participate within/during my days, because it makes me re-evaluate what I am participating within as who I am, is it the mind or is it HERE as the life force that I am.

Day – 434 – Oh shit, I forgot to LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly prepare myself to live, instead of living.

When and as I see myself preparing myself to live – I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am here I am alive, and there is no need to make more out of it and to simply be here and LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a constant state of anxiety/fear as my experience while preparing my future in my thoughts all the time and how to live, instead of living here in each breathe.

When and as I am in fear/anxiety – I stop, I breathe – I check myself and what is it that I am preparing myself for to LIVE and why and to launch a full detailed self-investigation and to deconstruct the mind and what I am participating within in the moment and to bring myself back to the Physical in each breathe though understanding that what I am experiencing is NEVER real and just made up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to LIVE, to be here as breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that I have been stuck in my thoughts and my experience of myself as fear/anxiety as a result of the thoughts I have about living and what I want to live instead of being here as breathe alive/living.

When and as I see myself thinking and being in thoughts about the next moment/second or further into the future about what I want to live and how and where and when and why, I stop, I breathe – I realize that this isn’t living but just me creating fear/anxiety and a prison for myself to not live but only to protect self-interest and limitations as one’s own mind/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within the fear/anxiety, within the belief that the fear/anxiety as the result of the thoughts I have are keeping me save. Not seeing and realizing that they are actually keeping me a prisoner of my own mind.

When and as I see myself creating fear through participating within thoughts from the belief that I am doing this to keep myself save, I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am creating the fear/anxiety and thus the problem within myself first, and thus once I have created the problem as the fear/anxiety within myself, that all I can see outside myself are problems as everything I see and do will be from the point of fear – instead of physical considerations and practicality in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIVE a definition of the word live – where the definition is built on fear and limitation within the mind as the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word LIVE as something that has to happen within fear/anxiety and constant thoughts/feelings/emotions existing within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define the word LIVE from what I experience within myself as the thoughts/feelings/emotions I have within the belief that I can only live and be alive if I am experiencing something – does not matter if it’s negative or positive.

When and as I see that I am within an positive/negative experience of myself within the Idea/belief that this energy within me means I am alive, I stop, I breathe – I realize that this experience within me is actually indicating that I am not alive and just a robot reacting on the input given to me through electrical circuits within my body coming from the input I receive from outside of myself as stimulation, instead of me directing each moment as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an IDEA to the definition of the word LIVE - that LIVING must be a positive experience, otherwise I am not living.

When and as I find myself telling myself that I am alive when and as I am in a positive experience of myself, I stop, I breathe, I see and realize that this is me bullshitting myself as I know its just energy and will wear off and then what?? I am dead lol. – seeing and realizing that I am alive and living when I am here breathing and not dependent on any energy to give me a high or a low as an experience, simply hold my breath for ten seconds and see what matters the most. Energy or a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea that LIVING must be a positive experience and as long as I am not positive I am not alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIMIT myself within defining living as something that must be positive or negative, seeing and realizing that if I redefine living to a physical practical doing as who I am in each breathe and not as something where I seek Energy, then I am alive and always living and all that’s required for me is to determine myself in each moment and who I am as the directive principle instead of waiting or depending on an experience to decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to EXPECT a certain Idea about myself to become real first before I can say I am alive and living, seeing and realizing that this Idea/expectation will always change in time and never be what I seek in the moment and thus I am creating a state of depression for myself – instead of living here in each breathe within what’s HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not LIVE in each breathe as each breath’s support in the physical that’s not dependent on an experience but a physical application and movement.