Day 310 – She is Pregnant, what do I do Now??





So when my partner told me that she is pregnant I was very cool about it, there was nothing running through my head, I was sticking to the principals: practicality and common sense within self honesty doing what is best for all life.

This made everything SOOO easier, because that removes “personal” crap from the equation, it removes the fears and limitations and all the shit latched to the “having a baby”.

So after me and my partner looked at the whole point practically and within what’s best for all life within our actions within what is here, it was decided (no reacted upon, as it would have been if there was “personal” involved) to have a Baby, this changes the entire “experience”. It is actually pretty cool and enjoyable.

I have come to now wonder a nit afterwards what do I do now?? Lol, I mean my partner is carrying the baby and she is the one having the pains and having to feel like throwing up and having head aches, but I am not having any of that at all, so what can I do? I asked myself.

I kind of feel useless in this stage of my partner being pregnant, obviously I am here for her as support and assistance and to talk to and to share and express with, but that doesn’t change the physical changes, I kind of feel guilty to – because I am having it easy to bring a child into this world, my partner has to carry a baby for nine months and then give birth, the giving birth part is actually called going into Labor, no one gets paid over time for that labor, in fact it will cost us a shit load.

I will do SF here on the Useless point and feeling guilty and then continue the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel useless within being of any actual help for my partner while she is Pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being useless while my partner is pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel that I must be able to do more then what I really physically can for her within the desire of not feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not feel bad about being useless within not being able to help my partner with the carrying of the baby and to through this judge myself as being useless to make myself feel better about myself, seeing and realizing that it is really a waste of time and energy playing games like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel Guilty for being part of getting my partner pregnant and not equally carrying the baby and going through the physical symptoms and pains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for Being at work all day and not being home supporting my partner in this time, seeing and realizing that currently this is not practical and possible as we all have to work to feed and support our lives in this system and thus feeling guilty is a way of self manipulation to not tale full self responsibility within changing this world to a place that is best for all life as a real solution to the problem.

Continuing with the story.

I am now daily looking at Everything in my current place and state in the physical reality where I must bring my child into and where I must raise my Child, I now see things as dangerous that I did not before, Like I would walk outside and see my child running or crawling around and then I see a bush with a thorn hanging to low, and I would go, THAT needs to be trimmed lol. Stuff like that.

So it is interesting how I also now see the world within considering bringing a “innocent” child into this world where there is ALL these fucking things around. So I am breathing and taking it one step at a time, cancelling out the mind and looking at it practically not going into over drive within looking at things, YES changes must be made for the child where we can prevent what is possible in all ways.

BUT the prevention cannot come from fear; it must come from actually physically considering it all. If it is done from fear then there will be consequences on those actions, so NO fear, breathing and walking step by step.

Where I have seen my house as clean before now looks like shit still lol, and where I have seen stuff as being practical I now see it was only practical in terms of Adults living here, and not all life.

I now see what patterns and what habits I have that I must deal with and work with, because a child will learn from who we are as LIVING beings, the words come later, the sentences come later, the reading comes later, the Physical actions we do right here in each moment is what is Instant for the child to learn from, Nine months is a lot of Breathes to fix the shit, the sins of the fathers, and to correct, to prepare, to see where I was lazy before and now to really take the patterns and habits and change them to what’s best for all life.

To be continued with self forgiveness (SF) and (SCS)

Day 309 – Is the world a place for a baby?



A Baby, a Child, another being entering this world.

When I say world, I am talking about the Systems that is here, the Human created “things” that is everywhere, when I say world I am not saying Earth, earth isn’t a problem, earth isn’t the concern when bringing a child into this world, the world is what we humans have created on earth.

So I have been looking at bringing another human into this world, there is many reasons to Not have children and then there is a few to have children.

You see children – specifically the Human race’s children, MUST be educated to live and always do what is best for all life, living principals with common sense and self honesty, so this is the one reason to have children, IF the support is Here, which is money that gives you all the other things that is a NEED, not wants and desires, and that the child that is brought into this world must be educated to be the correction that is needed within this world.

The world that we have created and live in is one hundred percent dependent on the Earth, the earth gives the natural resources and revives them, it takes long periods of time for certain resources to be what they are today but then you have the really basic needs that is quite fast, such as food and water.

So you see, if we do not start with our children to be the correction that is required to create a world that is best for all life then we will inevitable fall. Because when we all die it is our children that remain and then they are the ones running things and they will and can only run things here on earth the way we showed them, and love will not change anything, teach a child how things work and the problem will be clear and the solution will be clear, because it is clear that our systems is destroying earth.

Here I am with the news and with the actuality of it, my partner is pregnant and it is still early stages, but it is happening and I have to already now look at all these points to have clarity to have stability within it, it is simply a matter of preparation, yet I cannot prepare for it actually here, I can lay down scripts for myself and clarity on how to walk breathe and direct.

It is cool to see all the points that come up considering that I will have a child in the near future, I will be responsible for another human being and the support and assistance this being will get within this “world” so that this being can develop him/herself. Isn’t that the point?

I was never given the understanding that I create ME, I was always given the IDEAS and impressions that I was already who I am now at birth, like it came with the packaging. But that isn’t true, in fact there is no common sense within such Idea, I mean I speak the languages I was taught, I believe in the things I do and so forth that I was taught, If I was taught the earth is flat then that is what i would have believes. and thus who I am was simply me accepting and allowing everything around me to create me.

So I once again met Desteni and thank you, Here I am with much more understanding and that I created myself, I create myself through what I accept and allow, and what I do not accept and allow, so I must stop accepting and allowing and start creating, making decisions and move myself towards it and create myself as Living words.

And the words I define as what is best for all life will be the words I then live as what’s best for all life. And here I am with a baby coming, I am seeing now how the WORLD isn’t prepared, the world isn’t ready for ANY child to come here, yet we must have children if we have the support for them, and we must use what we have while we have it to Be that correction that is best for all life.

This world is scary, it is evil, it is amazing that so many people have babies ALL the time in all different situations and all different parts of the world with everything that can be evil being all around all the time lurking around every corner, and that the parents of the children are not doing a single thing to make the entire world a save place for them, but only try and make their personal space and homes save, I mean we do not live in bubbles.

I leave my house everyday to go to work, I can get stabbed, raped, brutally abused, hijacked any day at any given moment when I am out there, it is South Africa, the possibility for each person is probably more than 50% high daily. And then there are even worse parts on earth then here. How is changing the world not immediately each and every parents biggest purpose to do/achieve as soon as there is a child and also consider that here we are talking about already where people/we are forced to look at change through having a baby, we should anyway change the world for ALL LIFE, I mean something must be terribly wrong that it is not so...

Day 308 - When she told me – “She is Pregnant.”



I came home from work one day and as I was sitting in the kitchen there were people talking, my partner and her sister was talking about having late periods, and since both of them were late it all seemed to make sense that its just a change in their cycles, I did not think anything of it. We joked about them both being late and how it might be funny if they both were pregnant on the same time.

So the next day after work when I got home I heard that My partners sister got her periods, my partner then started to look concerned and said she still haven’t gotten her period and that it has been two weeks or more.

So during the day that I was at work I send my partner a message asking her if I should buy a pregnancy testing stick, she said ok, I found a gap at work to go out and to go buy the stick.

At the Pharmacy I walked in and I was hanging around looking for the stuff, the girl behind the counter asked me if I need help, I looked at her and I said YES, I am looking for those sticks that you can test if you are pregnant with, she said Oh they are right here, we keep them behind the counter locked up.

I walked towards the counter and I said: can I have one? She said yes you can it is twenty five rand's, I thought it would be cheaper since in the movies sometimes women uses like ten to test to make sure, but I could only afford one. She gave it to me and I gave her the money, as I took the stuff she then had a little grin smile on her face, I saw that lol.

I went back to work and I furnished the day off at five thirty, I went home and I placed the bag with the stuff in it in my room and did not say anything to my partner. But she went into the room and she found it and she red the instructions on it, she then told me she will only be able to test tomorrow morning since you need to do it early when something is more.

So I waiter, I was curious and I have been thinking about it all day lol, I drive cars around and I work a lot in situations where I am alone like driving very long distances.

So the discussions/considerations I had with myself was what if it is a YES or a NO - I knew I had to look at these point within myself, I had to be clear and make sure there is no Fear, I have a little book with a pen always on me, so I opened up the book and I wrote down, This isn’t a Point to Fear, it is to Breathe and take self responsibility either way - I also wrote down what I saw was the Fear, the fear was that if it is a Yes, we haven’t prepared and that the HOW it happened frightened me as I wasn’t sure on How it happened at all.

So as I was driving around and looking at the scenarios I saw that I would like to have a child, I would enjoy to have a child, especially since I have been with Desteni and that I am busy with the Equal Money System. As my participation with Desteni I have developed myself a lot more effective and to be self disciplined and to trust myself in all and any situations.

But my biggest concern was the economy, the world and the way things are going, so I questioned having a child in this time and age and with everything happening. This was my ONLY reason for not wanting to have a child right now. I got a Job and I am working full time and I can make a lot of money, so I saw that this was already a upgrade within being able to have a child as being able to support the child.

But an even better point was that I was living on the farm and on the farm is the best support and the environment is great, so that part is set and cool.

Back to hearing the news, after a while considering everything and investigating points within myself I was quite stable with the answer going either way, but at How my partner/wife seemed a bit concerned - so I made myself concerned as well lol, instead of breathing and being self honest within it all.

Late night came and we all went to sleep. The next morning I was woken by my partner laying over the bed looking at me and saying Gian - it I positive, I am pregnant, my partner sounded concerned, like she was giving me heavy news, like it was expected from me to not be happy about such news, so I had a sudden response - I said REALLY, and I looked at her in her eyes she said yes the strip had to stripes, I then said, and that means you are pregnant, she said yes it says so on the box or paper, and I said okay and how accurate is this test? I was diverting the conversation towards certainty to convince myself lol.

Since it was morning and I had to get ready for work and go to work we would not talk, we agreed to have a talk when I come back, and to not yet mention anything to anyone.

To be continued.

Day 307 – Not Being heard, Aggression and annoyance Part 2



Day 306 – Not Being heard, Aggression and annoyance Part1

I commit myself to when and as I react to others not hearing me to stop and to breathe and to wait a while till I see the person is focused more and here and then speak again.

I commit myself to when and as I get aggressive and loud within my communication towards others to be heard, to stop and to breathe within the realization that it is Not best for all life as i am starting to now treat others as I would Like to NOT be treated.

I commit myself to when and as I see that there is aggression coming up from within me to know myself in that moment and that I cannot trust myself to speak or act, thus I see and realize that I must commit myself to take a deep breath and to let go of the aggression and only speak once the aggression is stopped.

I commit myself to when and as I see back chat or thoughts coming up where I project what I am experiencing as aggression or annoyance from within me onto the other person to within the obvious common sense that it is within me to stop and to breathe and to take self responsibility for how I am experiencing myself and to check why and how I am creating these experiences and to change.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am making the other person the problem to stop and to breathe and and to make sure I am breathing and not giving attention to the experience within me.

I commit myself to when and as I experience anything in me that I am projecting towards another to make breathing my first priority within and as such a scenario.

I commit myself to when and as i see that I am in fear of who I am becoming when and as I am possessed by aggression and annoyance that I have already attached to another being as being the cause which is a dangerous scenario to sit down or to walk away or to direct my focus on touching something or anything physical while breathing to direct myself back to the physical out of the energy experience till I am stable and can walk to the other person and talk to them in clarity and have taken full self responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am a danger to others to take self responsibility through removing myself temporarily from the scenario if possible and to stabilize myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see a scenario that will and possibly can occur when I know I have to speak or ask questions to already place a foundation of prevention for myself where I give myself the breath that I may not be heard and that I will have to repeat myself and that I must be OKAY with it and not take it personal and simply do those actions over and over without any reactions or energy till I am heard and it is done.

Day 306 – Not being heard aggressive and annoyed. Part 1



Day 306 – Not being heard aggressive and annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I find that others are not hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when someone else are not hearing me that I must react and become loud and aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aggressive when and as someone isn’t hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when and as someone isn’t hearing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Stop breathing and to go into the mind where I hear myself and then to within that get aggressive and annoyed with the other person not hearing me as I see that in my head I sound clear and loud enough and thus the other person must be the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the other person the problem for what I am experiencing within me as aggression and annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I am getting aggressive with myself for not being patient and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I get annoyed with myself fro getting angry instead of breathing and being patient and to wait till the person is here and I am here and we can talk clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Get annoyed when and as I have to repeat myself three or more times with what I had to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must be able to say something ten to a billion times without reacting or experiencing anything within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear who I become when and as I am aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own behavior when and as I get aggressive and annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I can or might do when and as I am getting annoyed and the annoyance turns into aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear myself, seeing and realizing that I know myself and thus it is myself responsibility to direct myself in ways that is that of prevention and not avoidance but prevention as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me if I lose my cool and show my aggression and annoyed side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting fear in others when and as my aggression shows or comes out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I can do to myself, as I have never gone there fully but see that the energy behind it is strong and my body hardens up and I become really intense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget breathing when and as I see a situation coming up where I might have agr4ession or become annoyed and to prevent that from coming here through seeing the prediction and breathing and stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold it against the other person when and as I experience aggression and annoyance within me, seeing and realizing that is manipulation and me not taking self responsibility for myself but instead trying to have power over another so that they must change for me instead of me changing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate others through becoming aggressive and annoyed to induce fear with intensity and so NOT having to take self responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the consequences of what I am doing when and as I become aggressive and annoyed and to act on that, that i am creating fearful people around me. And fearful people usually will and want to get rid of the fear and thus I am opening myself for harm or whatever consequences, equal and one to what I am accepting and allowing within me.

To be Continued on Self commitments.

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