16 Days of no Coffee – answering some questions and sharing

Today is the 16^th day of not drinking Coffee. 

Why? 

I will start with the WHY because every time I say I stopped drinking coffee people seem to freak out and make it as if I am stupid for doing so, or as if I am weak for being able to stop drinking coffee, almost as if I decided not to be part of a cult and take part in this cults rituals anymore and now the cult is kind of turning on me as a previous member. 

So, let me say why in many dimensions of the question. 

I stopped because I am walking a process of purifying myself within and through self-forgiveness in writing self-forgiveness and taking self-responsibility for what exist here as me, yet I have seen and realized that I must also at the same time purify my outer, what I do and participate within as my habits, patterns and addictions. 

Because I have come to realize that drinking coffee isn’t MY decision anymore, it has become a decision that was being made for me, this is obviously a problem. 

It is a Problem because it has become habitual, thus controlling my behaviors, my habits and even forming them all according to coffee. Thus coffee became my master and I the slave. This has placed a massive restriction on my movement, flexibility on a daily basis, like driving on the road and finding there are unnecessary bumps/humps in the road to slow down the car from moving, and eventually causing damage to the car, consuming more fuel, all the stopping or slowing down and going, drinking coffee became exhausting and at times compromised me and my body where coffee would overwrite drinking water or having a meal. 

I would generally drink 6 cups a day and on some days I would even push it to 12. This has been so for YEARS and I would sometimes joke and say, I am 70% water and literally see drinking coffee as me fueling up, filling up. This has exposed my addiction that I judged as normal and okay. 

When I look at the money spend on coffee at home and the amount of precious water consumed for making coffee, not to mention the milk and electronics and electricity on a daily basis multiple times, the addiction did not just harm me but in the end it is having a consequence on reality – Imagine billions of people doing this daily all around the world. 

Now, coffee isn’t bad, it can be enjoyed daily, I would say one or two cups as a support for the body in times that it is required, like a medicine, but at the rate I have been consuming it and seeing and knowing how others also do it, it is an overdose for all of us humans, not to mention how much each and every person is spending when they go out on their coffees and their chinos and all the other types of coffees. 

I once asked a lady that works at Seattle which specializes in coffees – almost like a Star Bucks, how much milk they use daily for making all the peoples coffees and other orders that is coffee, and she replied, the most has been 600 Liters a day. This was but one shop making coffee of the dozens in the same area I know of. I asked this because the coffee usage was obviously a LOT, but I was curious about the milk, so I realized I also had a milk addiction with my coffee. 

I also know about the coffee industry and the abuse that is taking place there with the people actually working in the fields, harvesting the great beans that we grind up and then drink away and piss out, not to mention the abuse of the earth and the soil, the amount of land and natural habitats that had to be destroyed and most probably that are being destroyed right now to keep up with our demands for coffee. The earth is truly losing. 

Back to self – I am re-birthing myself, and I have stopped many addictions over the years, and I find myself stuck with a few, and these few are truly over powering my daily living to a certain degree. I was only able to see to what degree it was once I stopped and pushed through the initial pain of stopping which I experienced. 

The extent to which this one particular addiction was in control of my life, my daily movement and living is something that I would not be able to place in words as I experienced the Freedom after day three for others, but I can say, it was as if a chain has been loosened from my leg and I could more freely direct and move myself within space time. 

This is but the more daily experience, not to mention the bodily changes. I started feeling a lot more stable, grounded and I was less high on energy but had more energy that was moving at a practical pace instead of like a racing car. 

Day 1 – on day 1 when I stopped I went through the initial I want one, just one more for today, maybe tomorrow it will be better and then I can stop fully, but I breathed and stopped that thought and experience, to not lead myself into temptation and deceive myself, as I have faced this multiple times and I know it never works for me, so I had to go full out and embrace whatever comes my way and to trust that it will NOT be for ever, and so I walked with that trust that it will not be forever, simply breathe and move myself. I drank a lot more water and ate quite a bit more and different foods, which in return supported my body a lot more than having a quick coffee. I had MASSIVE headaches and did not talk about them at all on day one but simply breathed. I also did not talk about quitting coffee with anyone till I knew I have lived it and pushed through, thus on day three I was clear and spoke out. 

Day 2 – This was the worst, I went to bed the previous night with a headache and slept with it and woke up with it and so I worked as usual all day in the sun with laborious work with this massive headache. After the day was over with work, I decided to get some support with this massive headache, and thus I took one headache pill. Within 15min the headache was gone and I felt amazing, this allowed me to have a great sleep that night and then I woke up Feeling refreshed and coffee free.

I started smelling coffee more and noticing the smell in the house from others making a pot, my body had a natural reaction on a physical level of feeling repelled to it.  This supported me even further. For the next couple of days I had a small moment of a headache every now and then, but drank some water or some juice and then it was all good. 

On day 15 I took a small cup of coffee out of curiosity what it would be like to have some now. I took a few sips and I did not enjoy it at all, it was bitter and not as I remembered it LOL. So this I found interesting, I drank the entire small cup (100ml cup) and then I felt disgusted in my body by the coffee. Five minutes later I started noticing my entire body was vibrating and mostly in my solar plexus area, this I focused on to see what was happening, it was as if I just injected adrenaline into my veins and I started experiencing a physical anxiety within me.  I did not enjoy this experience as I felt more disconnected with my body and not grounded, I got easily more triggered. Within this I also noticed how I was abusing my body by not being able to be in tune with my body and what’s going on with my body to being on this adrenaline rush. 

This has been my journey thus far, and still continuing with no coffee, there is no set limit or amount of time that I will not be drinking coffee. Maybe forever, maybe I will have a cup every now and then in the future. 

Thanks for reading and enjoy.

Day 547 – Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite, Self- Forgiveness

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having ever really finished something that I started doing and to always somewhere along the line either stop or just let it fade away into nothingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the experience of guilt due to how old I am now and how much I could have accomplished throughout my life if only I ever finished something I started and to within this have this wondering emotional body of what could have been if only I didn’t quit or stop or just let something fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this regret of not finishing something throughout my life build up anxiety and fear within me within what I am doing now, as I have over time only proven to myself that I cannot finish something that is long term and thus I haven’t yet established real dependent commitment within myself of myself as who I am within what I am doing as the starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for how I have taken on only her patterns and way of living and doing things, never going in fullheartedly and giving it my all no matter how long it takes and to push to the end till it is done, and to not do anything for energy as time has proven to me that energy as emotions/feelings/thoughts isn’t sustainable and thus cannot function within the physical reality and how things actually work within space and time and thus the process of manifestation/creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother for making me her favorite son and that I was placed under that pressure of having to always keep my mother happy and thus my focus became my mother and short term goals/achievement that always only kept my mother happy, seeing and realizing that this is me victimizing myself and blaming my mother as placing the responsibility onto her for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me accepting and allowing myself to take on that role as her son and to always wanting to please her, thus seeing and realizing my participation/creation within this role, where I also played a self-interest game of always getting my way to feel good and to manipulate and take chances/advantage of my position as being the favorite child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as much as my mother enjoyed me taking on the role of always pleasing her and being her favorite I also enjoyed it equally because I played the role and thus no one is to blame, and thus this means I must stand up from this design within me and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how not only did my mother place a certain role I must play over me and me accepting and allowing that, but how through me taking on that role I placed my mother within a certain role, where she had to always not seem or be happy, where my mother didn’t have to take self-responsibility for her own happiness/joy and thus we became dependent on each others characters to keep the show going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always do things in my live whereas the end result must be me pleasing my mother, making her happy, seeing and realizing that even after many years of not being home or in my mother’s presence there is still a resonant point within me where I hope that what I am doing is making my mother happy and proud and that no matter what I do will show my mother what I did and that she will smile and say I am happy my child, thus seeing and realizing that within this resonant point within me and my life I can never truly do anything for myself and to truly take self-responsibility as everything I do then will inherent this pattern that I have developed with my mother of not finishing something and only doing things to achieve a momentary feeling of achieving/completing/creating something but was only a milestone, not the end and run with that to my mother to show her she can be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the internal relationship I have created towards my mother within and as the fear of losing my mother and thus losing a part of me, seeing and realizing that my mother is her own person and that she has given me many many years of her life, as it was her responsibility as she brought me into this world and thus wasn’t a favor, it was her responsibility and thus also not something I own her, as I am grateful, but I am not in debt to her for doing so, that’s not how life is supposed to work otherwise we will always exist in debt on a personal level and a global level as the money system based on some fairness logic that does not exist and thus no one will ever get on with their lives and LIVE, yet she has her own life to continue living after me and to keep such a relationship within me and to sustain such a relationship toward my mother on a resonant level only keep us enslaved to this pattern of never truly living our own lives but keep waiting on each other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly let go of my mother as the energetic relationship that I have built with her over many years and that I haven’t given to myself MY life to live and to freely make choices that are truly my own and not based in bias where the bias is to secretly make my mother happy and to not disappoint her, and to truly develop myself for myself to be my utmost potential and do things that is in alignment with what makes my mother happy but to do things that I actually have genuine interest in, such as changing this god for saken world and do whatever it takes no matter if that makes my mother happy or not with what I must do, such as going against social conformity and brainwashing and calling out the bullshit in religion and not being the son she wants to to be just to keep her happy, but to free myself and her from this lifelong energetic bondage that is simply not serving either one, YET have a relationship with my mother is based on respect/honor and care/love based on the common ground of how all humans must be towards one another.

To be continued.

Day 546 - Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite

All throughout my life, or as far as I can remember, I never really “finished” something that I started, thus I never actually build a skill, I never really specialized in anything, I would always stop, or what I was busy with/doing would simply start fading away and I would just not be doing it anymore. This has been a pattern that I can see I have created and trapped myself within for a very long time and it is one of my most difficult patterns to work through. Because I developed a character that always starts something with a good and positive energy, even if this energy isn’t visible as in me looking exciting and all jumping around, but within myself there is this positive energy, where I have convinced myself and where I have within myself made a decision to do this, that I am going to not quit and finish this. So it has become quite a tricky pattern I have set up for myself to trap myself, because even within walking my process I seem to have simply modified and changed a few things here and there to make It “look” like I am starting something and finishing something, I am here referring to long term things.

Where did I develop this pattern and why? When I look at my childhood years and as I grew up, I didn’t necessarily have this pattern within me that I was living out back then, but something throughout my early years did give me this influence, impression on how to take things on – so here I am investigating my mother, because I see and saw that she had this exact same pattern, My mother was amazing at doing short term things like cleaning the house and doing all the quick odds things, which surprisingly I am as well, But she never did anything that was long term, so here I didn’t per say see my mother (the most influential person in my life back then) NOT finishing what she started, I just didn’t see her do anything that is long term, only short term things, thus My father who was the one doing the long term living such as working day in and out providing for us, was unseen, I was unable to learn that part from him, so I copied my mother’s short term living, where I always want satisfaction after each thing I do, preferable the same day or week.

And let me be clear, I didn’t even finish any PC games or PS2 games; I played them for temporary satisfaction, but never got the end, so this pattern wasn’t developed just in relation to doing “hard work” but also in relation to play and fun, anything that took time and patience, breathing, physical application, one plus one accumulating and end result.

But why did I take on this pattern from observing my mother but for example my older brother didn’t to my extent, neither did my younger brother? Well this is the cold hard truth of family dynamics and what takes place within families, that as the middle child or three boys, I was Favorited by my mother and I knew this, and thus I wanted to copy and be just like my mother, this in a way gave my brother space to NOT be influenced by my mother as much as I was, so they had space to find different role models, or develop more of an independent view of reality and what they want to do.

My focus was on being my mother’s son, which meant I had to copy her in ways that would make me more like her, thus being her favorite even more, I never considered ANY of the physical and developmental consequences that would manifest within myself and thus my life through these actions, because as a child I was totally free from the responsibilities of what exist outside of school and home and those kind of long term responsibilities weren’t really placed within me through education or anyone to really understand where my focus should be in developing myself, thus I did focus all my time and energy and development on “energy, feelings, emotions, highs and lows” and develop myself in an energetic way that fit my current childhood years and to survive at home and school, but once I had to go out into the world, what happened? My mother was removed from the equation and I was left with myself with all these behaviors and patterns that had No use in the long run, and did not support me constructively to develop and enhance myself effectively to be my utmost potential.

So I became a Jack of many/all trades, I have many skills, but they all end at some point, I am great at my short term skills, in fact amazing, but pushing them into a long term point and it becomes a problem, because energy only stretches so far.
To be continued with Self Forgiveness

Day 445 – I just cannot change, Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and breathe the believe that I just can not change, instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a believe and not real in fact, and that the only way I can see for real and in fact if I can change is to for real and in fact change in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the excuse of “I just cannot change” is exactly that, an excuse backed up by a secret desire to not wanting to change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to change as I am holding onto secret wants/desires that is of the mind that I do not want to give up, where I know that if I actually take the first step that these secret mind wants/desires cannot exist as the changed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set in stone the believe of” I cannot change” without ever testing out if I can change for real through actual practical real change within my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change as I want to “remember” ME, as I have identified myself as memories and thus do not see a real me that does not exist as memories existing outside of the real of the mind as memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions, thus fearing the unknown, knowing that if I take the steps to real change into the unknown that I will change, thus the unknown isn’t that unknown, as it is known that one will change and not be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the me that I know as the mind within attempting to change who I am as that which is LIFE as the universe as me in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I change, yet not considering that I change myself within the principles of what is best for all life, as that which is one and equal within and as the universal principles of how everything work and thus taking my status as a co-creator, and thus I know the change will be what is best for all life as long as I cross reference myself in the physical and not through the mind to see my living and not my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who and how I will be without thought, where thoughts have been my god within my mind guiding me all my life, since I could remember, showing that before I could remember I was functioning perfectly well without thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I now exist as the mind and as a physical consequence within my behaviors and patterns has become a comfort for me within my life and thus even though I am pushing to change a part of me does not want to change as that part is of the mind and wants to remain in comfort, no matter how abusive or against me these patterns and behaviors are, as they support the mind as energy which is like a drug addict that can’t quit, thus I am stuck in the addiction of the mind patterns that is controlling my life and within this believe that I am unable to change, yet not realizing that just like a drug addict I must take a physical step in change and that it will not be what I want yet it will be best for me and everyone else.