I commit myself to when and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I can not do better, to stop and to breathe and to see within self honesty and common sense that it is only a belief that I have created and played out in my life as real, and to within this push myself to do better than what I have accepted and allowed myself to do within applying myself in daily tasks as to get things quickly done even if it is sabotaging me and compromising my environment and others and to stop the abuse and push myself to expand and grow and to be here within and as the physical within all physical consideration of how I can actually do/apply what I am doing with what is here to the best as the best as that which I would like for myself in all ways and all others.
I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into Excuses/reasons/justification of why I can not do better to to stop, to be self honest with myself that I KNOW that I could have done better or do better because I know I am only within the justifications/excuses/reasons defending a character and self created beliefs to defend the characteristics of “I do not want to do more than I have to, I want to get is done with quickly, I have more important things to do somewhere else etc” and to stop these characteristics within actually living the application of doing better, being patient and genuine within my application of myself and to stop the self imposing limitations.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself defending the character of “I can not do better” to look within myself at all the judgements/beliefs/opinions/ideas I have about myself that I have created about myself that I use to limit myself as the character.To realize that it is only Beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions based on past memories/experiences that I have/am holding onto as an energetic experience either emotional/negative or feeling/positive and to see and realize that within and as the actuality of the physical here and not as the experiences as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I can in the moment change the past to be here as me breathing and applying myself to re-create myself and not be a slave to the mind to the past as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I belief must be real and that it must determine what I can and can not do, while in fact it is the physical that shows what is possible and what is not and the mind can only have beliefs/judgments/opinions/ideas about it while the physical is showing what it is in fact.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself limiting myself within the character of “I can not do Better” to actually for real test myself and this character in and as the physical to see if it is true or not, so when I have to build a Desk I will test myself and this character and I will do better, my best that I can and then see if the character is valid or not, and I can see within common sense and self honesty that this character is already not real and only a limitation and a creation of the past of the mind as memories/experiences as enslavement, enslaving me to the past as engraved characters that I belief is real and has meaning, yet only I can in each moment decide if I give them meaning and power to enslave me, or I can breathe and be here in and as the physical in consideration of all that is here to do what is best for all life and myself.
I commit myself to show that “I can not do better” characters are a creation of a system that is based on self interest such as capitalism where children are creations of consumerism where products are not made to last a life time and where everything is designed on profit and not real actual value of LIFE where thing are made to last and withstand lifetimes, and thus as the children grows up in such environments that can but only be products of such environments where they will not give their best and only do things that last a while till it breaks and thus capitalism is creating children that will never be able to do their best as LIFE as the physical as that which is real but only be able to live as creations that exist for a short while so the next thing can be made to make profit.
I commit myself to show that the “I can’t do better” character is a character that supports Capitalism and that Capitalist want people that can’t do better so that people/children can rely on the services of Capitalism to make profit and and thus the human will and can never truly evolve to the best life there is till Capitalism ends and a new world that Is best for all LIFE can come forth with the Equal Money System where as a Life that is BEST for all life can only create and educate and manifest children and thus adults that is the BEST in all ways.
This is a continuation of Day 112.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind fuck myself within participating in the “I can’t do better” character through making myself belief I can not do better within all the reasons/justifications/excuses I make up and actually validate within my mind as “making sense” within the inner secret conversations as back chat within myself and to within this when the time comes and I have to do something I do it half way instead of expanding myself in learning and becoming better through more effort, and thus seeing and realizing that the “I can’t do better” character is simply a character that is afraid of doing a bit more work and giving it more effort because of the love I have for myself as the character because I have learned in the past where I say or tell someone “I can’t do better” and giving them all the excuses/reasons/justification to defend my own limitations and got away with it and through this learned that it is okay to do thing half way and like an ASS ASSlong as I have the right backup/ammunition for my statement as the character and so fell in love with this character because I felt like I won, I got away with it, I am excused and free because I simply can not do better and everyone else now also beliefs that of me and so I belief that of myself and so my LOVE for my character FUCKED me into limitation and to be a slave to the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am applying myself within doing something and as I apply myself and thoughts come up as to why I CAN’T to give value to these thoughts as real and that they must have meaning and so limit myself as a thought and to remain a slave to my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self honest with myself within the situation of when and as I am applying myself in doing something that I am aware of all solutions and ways to do better as I have the insight in the moments of application, and that when I do not apply what I see is here and what is shown to me in the moment I go into a state of self diminishing myself and self hatred and then all the reasons/justification/excuses starts as I create them to justify why I was so deliberate in not doing better as I was able to see in the moments, and through this actually create myself as the limited Character that becomes a walking excuse/justification that is always only limiting me instead of expanding me in and as the physical as that which is here as LIFE one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am aware of why I do things and when I do them and how I do then and that I actually in each moment make deliberate decisions to not follow through in doing better and so only end up sabotaging myself and my life and my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to have have identified myself as the character of “I can not do better” and that it is who I am and will always be who I am, not seeing and realizing within identifying myself as the character as set in stone I am the only one keeping myself limited and trapped within all the self hatred/sabotaging/limitations and diminishing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as long as I continue to participate within the “I can not do better” character that I will always live in fear and anxiety of other asking me to do things because I know I will act out the character in self defense of do not ask me you know I can t do it, I am not good at doing it, I am not worthy of doing it because I can t do anything good or make anything better and thus I will live in my own pool of emotions/fear/stress/anxiety/reactions because I have automated the self created belief of myself as “I can not do better” and thus created a character out of it to show and live a character that always shows people I can not do better just to not be asked to do thing because of the initial point of energy/experience being in love with the idea of not doing much or even just the bear minimal because I got and saw that I got away with it in the past and that I have connected a feeling of winning to it that I believed gave me power as manipulation of myself and others, not realizing that I only fucked myself in ever expanding and growing and being able to act and express myself in and as the physical one and equal as LIFE as true freedom as breath to be able as that which I create myself as, as WHO I Decide I AM.
to be continued on Self corrective statements.
Oh yes – This character is a real mind fuck. I have lived in this Character for so long within so many things, giving this character all the good justification to why I just can’t do Better, really I just can’t, look at it, I have tried everything, really, I can’t do better, Oh wait I am just making myself belief that and so within ALL my efforts I am literally sabotaging myself to not do better.
Why would I sabotage myself to not really do better and to rather give into the easy way of not doing better – well there is my answer- to have it easy, to not have to be ABLE to take Responsibility – to develop the ability to respond, so I am within this wanting to only have things easy “reacting the whole time instead of responding.
And so within this reaction I am having the whole time backed up with all these awesome great excuses such as Back-chat conversations in my head and secret mind (thoughts) to why I am reacting and not doing better I am only reacting to what the real reason is that is hidden.
I have to build a wooden desk – the task was given to me to build a wooden desk and I accepted it. I started working on the desk and a day or two later I was done.
The desk looked like shit and the structure is shit and I felt I accomplished something. Then the judgment day arrived where others now will see what I made and obviously they will question what I did and why I did it the way I did it and so forth.
So as I await the judgment I have already BEFOREHAND while I was working on the desk and as I worked on the desk and as I SAW what I can do as making a awesome desk BUT instead I did not do it even as I saw it was possible because I saw that it would have required me to be more patient and do more work, so I ended up doing it the quick and easy way and that was easy. And while I saw and ignored the Better way, as the ability to response to what I see needs to be done and that is practical and best for all, I immediately created reasons and Justifications and excused in my mind within secret conversations within myself that I KNEW I was going to use when others see what I saw and that they will not hesitate to question my actions, and I will have all the ammunition ready (excuses/reasons/justifications) to why I did it the way I did it while I clearly know it is a fucking LIE.
So I have done this hundreds of times and I have seen my ass many times and I always ended up with a bag that I carry around with me that is invisible filled with self HATRED and self diminishing characteristics as I always only sabotaged myself and compromised others.
And The best part is – a few years later which is last year and this year – I have made a decision within myself to do things properly and to not sabotage myself and to not compromise the group/environment within how I am using my ability to respond responsibly, and I have learned a couple of things.
The first thing I learned was when I made another few desks is that it is actually much easier to make but more time and to learn much more skills and how to use them to built a much better stronger bigger desk that last long and is stable and then having all these skills to apply everywhere else.
The second thing I told myself was – WHY THE FUCK DID I LIMIT MYSELF, the third thing was – How did I accept and allow such useless Limitations of myself and how the fuck did I convince myself they were so real that I myself believed I could not get past it and that my reasons and justifications were made to be so big I thoughts they were actual mountains and cannot be moved, here I am moving mountains everyday because it isn’t mountains once I stopped the Back-Chat and all the
excuses/reasons/justifications and my Life actually is so much easier and I have less headaches and I am less tired, and I now know that all the other points in my life where I go “I cannot do better” was and is created by myself because of all the times I fucked around and made it so real as myself as a Character that I believed is me and that it is just who I am built out of thoughts/feelings/emotions and obviously from memories/past experiences.
And this was/is but only one point in relation to building desks.
There are much more, such as me reading, writing, speaking, making art, working on the internet, making money, doing jobs, making videos, studying, etc.
Next up – Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me being attracted and giving into the feeling of attraction and calling it love towards girls who looks broken in character and that has a past/memories of where they have been hurt and how they have as the “hurt” created and manifested themselves into specific characters that shows the past/memories of abuse in who they are created as themselves and to connect this broken character within my mind as someone I must Save and thus I will be loved by this broken character and so I can love the broken character back, realizing that within this romantic deep feeling relationship of emotional turmoil and inner conflicts that I have as the savior character actually calling such a relationship tough love accepted and allowed the world to remain and continue existing the way it does – a world where people are broken and where heroes rely and wait on people getting hurt just to have a purpose in life – and thus I see and realize we that this is not love, this is two people that came together as their characters In fear – as the broken character needed someone that will not break them anymore and as the hero character needed someone to give him purpose as the hero character fears having no purpose and then they both come together In great FEAR and call it love because they support each other in their accepted and allowed ways as limited characters, instead of seeing and realizing that it is to STOP these characters and to not live as these characters of past and memory and to keep on creating the world as the past/memories and to birth self as new, as ALL LIFE one and equal and to realize how your past was created and that you never want to create it again for any other being on earth and so change the world for that which is best for all life in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I fall in love or have any attraction towards broken characters that I am within that attraction And loving and liking saying – I am happy this Girl got beaten up or raped or molested or abused and smacked down because now she gives me purpose and so accepting the very evil in this world through the thing called love.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that The Character I have created for myself of my own past memories/experiences are a creation and can only be a creation of the current world that is pure evil as all life is abused in all ways, and thus if I give any value to my character as love and good and helping and caring while the world stays the way it is than I must realize my love my caring and my goodness is but a psychopathically love and validating all evil so that my love may have value and purpose.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I “love” am attracted to Broken characters that I am accepting and allowing them to exist as broken as I made and created my character to feed of their character like a vampire and thus in fact abusing the being and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me being attracted and falling for broken characters is supporting the creation of broken characters and thus abuse within this world as the creation of the broken characters and a broken world.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me seeking validation and acceptance as love in this world through broken girls that is in need of validating and accepting a hero character in their live I am keeping the world the way it is as my character and the characters I desire and “love” and their creation is dependent on a broken world in need of saving.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that my insecurities and fear of not being accepted and validated by others is dependent on other people as Broken characters to be broken so that I may built a character such as the savior/hero character that will save the broken characters that then will get Love as being accepted and validated, thus realizing that my fear hidden as love is creating and maintaining the world as it currently is here 90% of the planet is abused for self interest out of fear justified as love.
I commit myself to show that love is fear hidden in plain sight and that the love I/humans have for each other is dependent on a broken world that is not best for all life.
I commit myself to when and as I see I go into savior/hero character to stop and look at what the fuck is really going on and why I am accessing such a character that is in need of having to save someone and what does it actually imply in terms of the effects and acceptances and allowances and requirements in this world for such a character to exist and to justify such a character as being loving and how it is justifying the world to exist the way it currently is as abuse to Life and where abuse is accepted and allowed as character building blocks..
check out the Agreement course and support yourself and to walk a agreed relationship that is best for all life - investigate - Desteni I Process Relationship course, I have been in a agreement/relationship for 4 years now walking these principals and what I learned.
All my Life whenever I fell for a girl or liked a girl of when ever I had a crush on a Girl due to certain characteristics I saw within them and how they are, I always discovered something Broken in them.
Now what is the coincidence I ask myself, I mean it happened all the time, every-time, when I fall in love or like or am attracted to a girl there is a Past with this girl that basically fucked the girl up.
So this proves one thing, Characters are created from of memory as Past experiences, I mean it has now been proven to me over and over again, the characteristics I look for in a girl as the character she is ended up having a source as an fucked up past.
And the fact that I could read the characteristically points in the girls (as we all can) and they all ended up with the same point as some past that was horrible or disastrous or some stuff even still happening in their live, and this also shows that it is possible to read a persons past in their characteristics and behaviors and words etc.
And what I find weird is, that I loved these broken characters, because they gave my Life and Who I was as my character meaning/value and so my character was supported by their characters and thus my character was supporting their characters.
This is Love Hate and Hate Love relationships – this is why the world is fucked up and can never change till we change for real.
Because looking at this character I was playing of being the “super hero” saving the girl or giving her a reason to live or to help her with her problems or to be there for her where the rest of the world is only against her, or where I am the loving awesome boyfriends because the rest of the world is so fucked up.
And the girl is this character of being all submissive and always so attached and in need for me and wanting to be with me and mysterious looking and with strong opinions and a bit insecure but not to much and shy and funny and cute at the same time, yet emotional a lot of the time and full of stress towards the world and the future.
Clearly I can see within this how both characters are supporting each other and calling it “love” and how these two characters then support the continuation of the world and the fucked up state it is within, and because there is love, the two characters will not want to change the world because that will mean the love will have no more purpose and simply not be real anymore.
The character I played was depending on Girls getting fucked up in this world by men and the world system and just about everything and so they are in need of a savior and so that my savior character that is always in need of acceptance will need girls that gets fucked up by other men and the world can be needed and so support and accept and allow each others existence as Love. This is such abuse and not a solution for anything and only continuing the abuse in this world as long as such characters exist.
So yes, changing the world and stopping the characters go hand in hand because the characters are creation of the Abuse and destruction and Hate and all the evil in this world, so obviously the characters NEED the fucked up world to exist and as long as we call it love, we will never see this point and change the world to that which is best for all life.-
Self Forgiveness Coming next – Stay Tuned.
I ended in the previous Blog Day 108 on where I saw how within self forgiveness how it is within parenting that the parents raise children/me in such a way that all we are taught is Fear and then how to run/hide from the fear, and through this we/I built characters that is specifically designed to always avoid/run/hide form the fear that is within, and how Love as the ultimate fear is what is sued to justify all fear.
I have come to see within myself how Love as fear can be presented – Lets say there is a Ball of red darkness mixed and it is a ball of fear, so now love is when you take paint and you paint rainbow colors over the ball and suddenly beliefs it is something different, but yet the harsh truth is, the ball of fear still remains a ball of fear you now just cant/don't want to see it as you have PAINted it with colors called love – it really only makes it look different.
So Now within the previous Blogs I can see I have gone on a bit of a ranting and raving on the points of the social survivor character as so many point opened up within it all, new points and I had to write them out.
So first things first – The social survivor character is/was created at Home, even before school and friends, because the first thing a kid learns is how to survive living with the parents, this is a obvious point.
When I look at it as a child I was born into this world, then suddenly within my learning environment with the teachers (parents) there was rules and do and don'ts and yes and no and there was all the things that was imposed onto me as a kid of which i Had no idea about.
For example – a parent will dress their baby/child a certain way to already Fit in with what is acceptable by society – where as the baby has no idea that such thing exist, the parents already force expectations from society onto the child to make sure the child fits in.
So here I see the problem is that I/children are literally raised as Social survivors without being consciously aware of it, as it is only made known through limited conversations and behaviors.
For example – when going to the mall the mother will dress the boy up in blue cloths because according to society a boy must wear blue and not pink, if the boy had to wear pink then the boy would not be accepted by society and be called names and seen as gay and not as a real boy and not taught and not as a real man – yet the boy is but only a bot and yet have no concept of what games the adults are playing, it is only made known through the behaviors and actions – and now here come the interesting part of why parents would do this.
It is all because of FEAR – so the parents raise the child in complete fear and then call it LOVE, because the parents FEAR that the boy will be called names and not seen as a real boy or as gay or as not a tough boy if he had to wear pink, the say Because we love you we dress you in blue clothes so that you will not be abused by society. Yet the love is clearly only fear, and the fear isnt even necessarily always towards the child, it will be the parents own FEAR of not being seen as Good Parents, not raising their child to the expectations of society as dressing him in Blue.
And now the child grows up with this behavior and acceptance, because the child will see within others behaviors towards him with wearing blue that they are accepting him, being nice to him, playing with him, giving him attention etc, and so as the boy see/learn through the behavior he learns that it has to do with how he is dressed.
And bam there is one dimension of how the kid is now fucked into never being able to live freely as the boy will now always dress and built dressing characters to be accepted/loved by others, because obviously within the environmental behavior it was/is also seen how he will not be accepted and that people fear the opposite/polarity.
So here we have one character of the social survivor characters of dressing nicely or according to what the community/society accepts.
And this goes on, now as the boy have built this character it must be understood that this character is now a product of capitalism and dependent on how the world currently exist, so this character will enforce this abuse/behavior onto others. And as the character is built From love from the parents out of fear the child/boy will defend this character in the name of love – saying my parents did it because they love me, not because they feared for themselves and me, and so as the love as the fear in fact is defended the boy is in fact defending the current way the world exist as IN FEAR so that the LOVE that is justified can remain justified.
If the boy have to ever realize that he was taught to FEAR and then to Hide the fear with love just to be accepted in how he dresses and so create a world of fear that leads only to abuse and that there was in FACT a different way of life possible without fear and where a world can be created that is without fear, he would not have the love anymore or the fear, and the fear of losing love is the proof that love is fear and is that which man will always defend and the world can thus not change.
To Be Continued on Self Forgiveness...
So here I am still continuing on the How’s of how the social character comes into play as a continuation of Day 107 and Day 106.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I go into fear of not being accepted by a group/people and fitting in as not being “loved” to create a character that is acceptable by the others through actually imitating the others in behavior and characteristics of what is accepted by the group based on fear with the intention to be loved.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that seeking approval and love from others is all based on fear, and thus in the name of fear of not being accepted and allowed I will accept and allow the abuse that is currently existent within this world as the characters that I created that is dependent on the fear to be loved even if it means being a bully or calling other kids names, and thus seeing and realizing that through this seeking for love out of fear of not being accepted and to Justify the world the way it exist now because my character is now dependent on the way the world exist and because I get love from the character I created I do not want to change the world out of the fear of losing my love that the character needs to be accepted to not have to face the fear and the world that is here as all the abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the way the world currently is/exist as for teh sake of being loved out of the fear of that if the world changes that I will lose the reasons/justifications/excuses for why I am loved as the characters that I built from the abused world and not to lose the characters out of fear of losing the love, realizing that the love is based on fear and that they both are one of the same and thus realize that I am using love to hide the fear that is always here as me as that which i have separated myself from, instead of facing myself as the fear and to not create a world that is based on fear where people hide behind love and so create more fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this behavior comes from childhood where parents teach their children fear and love the whole time, and thus when and as I grow up all I seek is fear and love to hide the fear, to run away from the fear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the fear for not being accepted by others was taught to me by parents within their behavior, where they taught me what to fear and then how to act/behave and built characters to run away from the fer, never teaching me, showing me how to instead walk through the fear and to stop living in fear.
To be continued.
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