Day 548 – Shaving my Head Bald, and what changed – Self Honesty

Yesterday I shaved ALL my hair off once again, plus putting a razor to my head so that it is smooth and shiny. My head is still very white and has to adapt to the rest of my bodies skin tone, so it looks a bit funny at first, like it really is sticking out. 

I sat in the bathroom in front of a mirror on a chair with the hair clippers in my hand, I was a bit nervous doing it, But I made a decision and I followed through, I turned the shaver on and started buzzing all my hair off, then I cleaned up and went to the sink to start and now really getting all my hair off with the raiser, this was fun.

 When I started shaving I could feel a sense of comfort within myself after the initial nervousness, and I got really relaxed within doing so, as I have returned to some part of myself that I have been suppressing or hiding from the world.

This I found quit interesting, because I used to be bald for a long time before, for at least 5 years or so, but I started growing my hair back about a year and a half ago when I started a new business venture. Initially I was bald starting this business venture and I did this for about 6 months, I was extremely comfortable with myself, and what was more fascinating was that everyone noticed me and remembered me and enjoyed me being bald, may it be business people or just normal people from all walks of life, BUT kids found me most fascinating and always wanted to touch my head and feel it, because they do not usually see a guy that is bald.

The whole reason for me being bald previously was because of a stance I made, a decision I made and where shaving my hair and keeping it shaved was for LIFE, a commitment to life, to when I always shave my hair there is this deep connection I have formed, like a reminder of why I am here, what I am doing and that I will do this till it is done, to walk my process and to change myself and rebirth myself as life and to within this process accumulate global change with everyone else that takes on this active journey together one and equal.

So now, back then when I was fist bald, I really got used to it and it was way more practical for daily living and just better I have found, which I enjoyed a lot, but there was now dozens of other people around the world with Desteni that has made the same stance and commitment within shaving their hair, some only did it to get over it and face some real deep shit attached to hair, which can be social, family, society I mean hair goes deep within what the human has made out of it, mostly sexuality, and with me starting a business the fear arise within others in my environment (that wasn’t part of Desteni) that me being bald and the reason for it might affect business and what I do.

So I made the decision to grow my hair back and to see if having hair makes a difference, but this decision didn’t compromise my commitment or stance at all. I remained the same. So after 6 months of doing business bald and then a year and a half of doing business with hair, I have found that there was absolutely no difference for me. Because I didn’t change, it was always about whom I am and thus what I do and how I express myself. Even if people did find it interesting or different at first, it was actually an amazing connection point I have found within Business, because NO one forgets me, no one confuses me, and everyone can recognize me from afar, this changed as soon as I grew hair, people found it difficult to make that initial connection and remember me, but I kept going with it, trying to “fit” into the system more, and in fact I fit in so much that I just became one of the system people again.

So, while I was Bald and had a shaved head, people always asked me why are you bald, and I would answer them, saying that I do this as a commitment to self-change and changing the world, plus it is way more practical, and guess what, people LOVE to see other people that is committed and to what lengths one is willing to go to live for something, it shows a certain “character” that isn’t seen much in this world.

Here I am, bald again – I tested out both side of the same coin for myself, I have realized it is always about who I am and how I define and stand within points/challenges – and that people’s reactions is always one and equal to the stance that I have within me as who I am, if I am insecure or feel there is something to hide or to not get people’s attention to something that I have judged as Bad, then that is exactly what people will do, If I see myself standing in a group that is global and having a shaved head with dozens of others for the same principle as bad, or cultist, guess what, that is what it becomes and shows me that I am not clear within myself and that I haven absolutely taken a stance. This is the principle of the universe, oneness and equality, and this isn’t about image and looks, that’s not what the universe stand one and equal to, but with the substance of everything here and how we are using/directing the substance as ourselves within ourselves.

This is my experience within the point, I have tested all things within this point and keeping what is best for all life, including myself to be at my utmost potential.

This was an interesting test for myself to see and realize I am the source, the master, the creator and as long as I give the system power over me, then that is what I will create and manifest (bad things), if I accept and allow the system to over throw my stance within who I am as standing as Life as what is best for all, even in the slightest reason/justification and not standing, then the system continues, I cannot con the system as long as I am conning myself, deceiving myself, living in perceptions and ideas of society.

Self-Honesty

If you can be bald and make/create it to affect your reality in a way that is best for all, Do so, take the stance, go baldly where no one has gone before. It is what I/you make of it - but be self-honest about your decision, which one ever it is.

Side note: All the women and men in the world should go bald – this way we can really get men and women on a “equal” eye view, wouldn’t that be interesting, how will men change towards women and women toward men? By removing a major part of the image for real, of the mind, and lets deal with each other as BEINGS, not things – and of course dress the same (most practical clothing for both human forms that is the same). Real empowerment. Love the person for who they are and not how they look, putting that saying into practical living application globally.

Day 547 – Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite, Self- Forgiveness

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having ever really finished something that I started doing and to always somewhere along the line either stop or just let it fade away into nothingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the experience of guilt due to how old I am now and how much I could have accomplished throughout my life if only I ever finished something I started and to within this have this wondering emotional body of what could have been if only I didn’t quit or stop or just let something fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this regret of not finishing something throughout my life build up anxiety and fear within me within what I am doing now, as I have over time only proven to myself that I cannot finish something that is long term and thus I haven’t yet established real dependent commitment within myself of myself as who I am within what I am doing as the starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for how I have taken on only her patterns and way of living and doing things, never going in fullheartedly and giving it my all no matter how long it takes and to push to the end till it is done, and to not do anything for energy as time has proven to me that energy as emotions/feelings/thoughts isn’t sustainable and thus cannot function within the physical reality and how things actually work within space and time and thus the process of manifestation/creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mother for making me her favorite son and that I was placed under that pressure of having to always keep my mother happy and thus my focus became my mother and short term goals/achievement that always only kept my mother happy, seeing and realizing that this is me victimizing myself and blaming my mother as placing the responsibility onto her for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for me accepting and allowing myself to take on that role as her son and to always wanting to please her, thus seeing and realizing my participation/creation within this role, where I also played a self-interest game of always getting my way to feel good and to manipulate and take chances/advantage of my position as being the favorite child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as much as my mother enjoyed me taking on the role of always pleasing her and being her favorite I also enjoyed it equally because I played the role and thus no one is to blame, and thus this means I must stand up from this design within me and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how not only did my mother place a certain role I must play over me and me accepting and allowing that, but how through me taking on that role I placed my mother within a certain role, where she had to always not seem or be happy, where my mother didn’t have to take self-responsibility for her own happiness/joy and thus we became dependent on each others characters to keep the show going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always do things in my live whereas the end result must be me pleasing my mother, making her happy, seeing and realizing that even after many years of not being home or in my mother’s presence there is still a resonant point within me where I hope that what I am doing is making my mother happy and proud and that no matter what I do will show my mother what I did and that she will smile and say I am happy my child, thus seeing and realizing that within this resonant point within me and my life I can never truly do anything for myself and to truly take self-responsibility as everything I do then will inherent this pattern that I have developed with my mother of not finishing something and only doing things to achieve a momentary feeling of achieving/completing/creating something but was only a milestone, not the end and run with that to my mother to show her she can be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the internal relationship I have created towards my mother within and as the fear of losing my mother and thus losing a part of me, seeing and realizing that my mother is her own person and that she has given me many many years of her life, as it was her responsibility as she brought me into this world and thus wasn’t a favor, it was her responsibility and thus also not something I own her, as I am grateful, but I am not in debt to her for doing so, that’s not how life is supposed to work otherwise we will always exist in debt on a personal level and a global level as the money system based on some fairness logic that does not exist and thus no one will ever get on with their lives and LIVE, yet she has her own life to continue living after me and to keep such a relationship within me and to sustain such a relationship toward my mother on a resonant level only keep us enslaved to this pattern of never truly living our own lives but keep waiting on each other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly let go of my mother as the energetic relationship that I have built with her over many years and that I haven’t given to myself MY life to live and to freely make choices that are truly my own and not based in bias where the bias is to secretly make my mother happy and to not disappoint her, and to truly develop myself for myself to be my utmost potential and do things that is in alignment with what makes my mother happy but to do things that I actually have genuine interest in, such as changing this god for saken world and do whatever it takes no matter if that makes my mother happy or not with what I must do, such as going against social conformity and brainwashing and calling out the bullshit in religion and not being the son she wants to to be just to keep her happy, but to free myself and her from this lifelong energetic bondage that is simply not serving either one, YET have a relationship with my mother is based on respect/honor and care/love based on the common ground of how all humans must be towards one another.

To be continued.

Day 546 - Jack of all trades, But nothing special, Mommys Favorite

All throughout my life, or as far as I can remember, I never really “finished” something that I started, thus I never actually build a skill, I never really specialized in anything, I would always stop, or what I was busy with/doing would simply start fading away and I would just not be doing it anymore. This has been a pattern that I can see I have created and trapped myself within for a very long time and it is one of my most difficult patterns to work through. Because I developed a character that always starts something with a good and positive energy, even if this energy isn’t visible as in me looking exciting and all jumping around, but within myself there is this positive energy, where I have convinced myself and where I have within myself made a decision to do this, that I am going to not quit and finish this. So it has become quite a tricky pattern I have set up for myself to trap myself, because even within walking my process I seem to have simply modified and changed a few things here and there to make It “look” like I am starting something and finishing something, I am here referring to long term things.

Where did I develop this pattern and why? When I look at my childhood years and as I grew up, I didn’t necessarily have this pattern within me that I was living out back then, but something throughout my early years did give me this influence, impression on how to take things on – so here I am investigating my mother, because I see and saw that she had this exact same pattern, My mother was amazing at doing short term things like cleaning the house and doing all the quick odds things, which surprisingly I am as well, But she never did anything that was long term, so here I didn’t per say see my mother (the most influential person in my life back then) NOT finishing what she started, I just didn’t see her do anything that is long term, only short term things, thus My father who was the one doing the long term living such as working day in and out providing for us, was unseen, I was unable to learn that part from him, so I copied my mother’s short term living, where I always want satisfaction after each thing I do, preferable the same day or week.

And let me be clear, I didn’t even finish any PC games or PS2 games; I played them for temporary satisfaction, but never got the end, so this pattern wasn’t developed just in relation to doing “hard work” but also in relation to play and fun, anything that took time and patience, breathing, physical application, one plus one accumulating and end result.

But why did I take on this pattern from observing my mother but for example my older brother didn’t to my extent, neither did my younger brother? Well this is the cold hard truth of family dynamics and what takes place within families, that as the middle child or three boys, I was Favorited by my mother and I knew this, and thus I wanted to copy and be just like my mother, this in a way gave my brother space to NOT be influenced by my mother as much as I was, so they had space to find different role models, or develop more of an independent view of reality and what they want to do.

My focus was on being my mother’s son, which meant I had to copy her in ways that would make me more like her, thus being her favorite even more, I never considered ANY of the physical and developmental consequences that would manifest within myself and thus my life through these actions, because as a child I was totally free from the responsibilities of what exist outside of school and home and those kind of long term responsibilities weren’t really placed within me through education or anyone to really understand where my focus should be in developing myself, thus I did focus all my time and energy and development on “energy, feelings, emotions, highs and lows” and develop myself in an energetic way that fit my current childhood years and to survive at home and school, but once I had to go out into the world, what happened? My mother was removed from the equation and I was left with myself with all these behaviors and patterns that had No use in the long run, and did not support me constructively to develop and enhance myself effectively to be my utmost potential.

So I became a Jack of many/all trades, I have many skills, but they all end at some point, I am great at my short term skills, in fact amazing, but pushing them into a long term point and it becomes a problem, because energy only stretches so far.
To be continued with Self Forgiveness