Day 476 - What are you waiting for?

This blog is inspired by a song from Nickelback called what are you waiting for. The first time I heard this song was while I was driving in the car a couple of weeks ago, It was a regular day like any other, doing what I do, but what I do has a higher purpose , and I have been walking this process of living/doing what’s best for all for seven years now, and it is has been quite a journey.

I can say within walking a certain Journey for many years has brought very interesting point to light within me and within the world we live in, especially changing how I live, changing who I am through applying myself in all ways within living a new set of principles, principles that previously in my life I have never even thought of even one of these principles as being possible, I had to be introduced to these principles and through my own application I saw for myself that they in fact work as what is best for all life.

Now within seven years of walking a journey to a new life, and re-birthing myself as new life, and thus expanding myself to do whatever I can this life, as I only have this one life, to apply myself in all possible areas to bring about a world that is best for all life, I have faced dozens of challenges.

The biggest challenge I have ever faced within my Journey, my process, IS ME. My mind and my patterns and who I am has been the greatest challenge of all, I have walked through so many layers over and over within myself. I have wondered sometimes when will this end, when will I stop the fear and the patterns constructed within self-interest (fear) and start living and start standing and moving things within the world and get things done, the things that matter to all life, so that we can change this world to what is best for all this life, I don’t have a next chance, it is now or never.

As I was driving in the car, with heavy traffic all around me, thus driving slow. I decided to turn the radio on to see if there is any news or a song that’s actually worth listening to. And with my surprise the radio presented announced that there is new song they are playing today from Nickelback. NOW I do not like Nickelback, so as I was focused on the traffic I did not switch off the radio as I wanted to do, and this new song started playing.

At first it did not sound like the usual Nickelback song, so I turned up the volume and started actually LISTENING to the words of the song, and within a minute I was in tears while driving, the song has triggered some hidden emotional buildup within me that I have been aware of, just never focused on the point and dealt with it properly.

I got emotional and did not suppress the point, I embraced the moment to actually see what is here as the point, since I wasn’t willing to look at it myself and something external had to support me to see what’s here.

While I was in tears (not sobbing or anything, just tears rolling down with my mouth doing that funny trembling thing), I felt something opening up within me, a realization.

The realization was – WHAT AM I WAITING FOR – this point of not trusting myself, not standing one hundred percent in confidence within myself within pushing what I know it real, not fearing falling but doing it, not fearing mistakes and to be willing to believe in myself, to make it happen this life, there is only this life.

I have been stuck in a BIGGER pattern hat I did not want to look at, the pattern was the seven years that has already gone by, this patterns is the pattern of time, the test of time, who I was and who I am here, why have I given up within myself halfway, doing everything halfway, why did I stop believing in what I KNOW WORKS for a fact and that is best for all life, why did I go into this waiting mode, there is truly no excuse, I am here to LIVE my life, my life is the purpose, the dream of a world that is best for all life. And I will never quite this dream, because it is real, and not a fantasy, I am living proof of this dream that can be for everyone, so what am I waiting for??

The song made me question myself, the song simply said many times, what are you waiting for, and the opening up within myself was – I am waiting for myself to actually live, to express and to be true to what I stand for.

And the tears was a forgiveness of what I have been allowing as my mind as ALL the excuses and all the fears and all insecurities and all the self-judgments, the excuses are always based on mind points, never real, not real physical things. And I even made real physical things my limitations which can simply be viewed differently with changing my perspective and overcoming the limitation to move myself to not go into a waiting lethargic state.

It has been a couple of weeks and the realization is still in action, I am living, I am breathing I am moving, I am learning and making mistakes and learning, I am moving past fear of failing, this live it the one life we have to make a change, I alone cannot do this, but as a group we can accomplish anything, as long as we are not waiting.

Please listen to the song and get perspective.

Day 475 – Where is my Life Force?

Tonight I started writing this blog from a negative point of view, I did not slow down and I did not breathe to even notice what I was doing automatically. So I did slow down and I did breathe, I took that step after I did not take it, I deleted what I have already written and I really took a look at what am I doing right now, who am I within my mind at this moment? I noticed I was in a negative judgmental state about myself.

It is, as if every time I am assessing myself in the present moment I do so by taking my entire life, my entire past, but only all of that which is negative and bring it HERE and I place judgment onto myself, and then from within doing so I am actually placing this mountain on my shoulders, and then after I have done that I now feel I have enough to write about, I mean just LOOK at all the things wrong with me. Now I have good writing material.

I wanted to write about where is my life force – and tonight I want to write about where my life force is, I am going to write about me and my life force, instead of me and nagging about where is it, why do I not have it – because I am actually looking at it that way within my mind, so that is all that I can see, ignoring ALL my of me, denying myself as LIFE force here.

I am here, regardless of my form, I am here, in living or death, I am here, I am the life that surrounds me and that I am, I am not separate from anything here, the force of LIFE is who I am. I have not yet realized this or lived it at all, yet I am pushing myself within a process of rebirth, and as we know giving birth is a though and painful thing, taking acre of a baby can also be very hard. Yet in time, in breathe it is done eventually, we don’t know when – but I am making peach within the fact that it will be done I simply continue pushing till it’s done.

Pushing with the flow and directing the flow, not pushing as in forcing anything, to force something as I have been shown is to go against what is here and works at this moment and will only end up harming and breaking.

I have been pushing myself for the past few weeks beyond limited thinking patterns that has been conditioned onto me or by me, about how I must act or behave within or about certain topics or scenarios or events, and I have taken myself into the point of creation. Let me give an example.

Three nights ago I did not get much sleep at all, due to Cesar (my son) not sleeping well during the night due to teething and going through a lot of pain, my wife did not get much sleep either, even less than me, yet the next day I had to go to work – so in the morning I woke up very tired and a bit late, within this I felt stress coming up within me as I had to be at the office already for our usual morning meeting – this was me following my usual thinking pattern and how I must experience myself within it all.

As I go to the office I sat down and I had to wait for the others to arrive, so it turned out I wasn’t the latest – in that time I just sat there and breathed, in the moment of breathing I took my entire day within me and I could already see how it was playing out, me getting tired and feeling shitty all day, not being able to focus or take in all the required information and act upon it.

Within seeing this I decided that it isn’t necessary, because I can see it it means I can change it, I decided that I will instead experience myself differently, in fact I will decide for the rest of the day how I experience myself – thank you very much, and this did not mean that I now have to avoid or ignore or sidestep certain people, it meant that I took the responsibility of how I experience myself within me and I made it my own, as it is.

So during the day my situation changes, people change and where I am change and usually all these changes influence how I experience myself, in other words how much life force I have, because I have connected life force to how I experience myself. And every time thing change I would notice how I go into the reconditioned thinking patterns and experiences, but I made the decision to decide how I experience myself, so each time I took the moment and I decided for myself.

Eventually the day turned out okay and that night I was only able to go to bed at 12:30 pm, because I did not start my day off with a memory of the night before or let it influence my day or who I am, I stood in each moment new and breathing, even if the predetermined thinking took over for a while I eventually moved and directed myself out and stood as my own directive principle.

I am still doing this within all areas of my life, till I stand as the only thing moving me.

For instance – I make an agreement with myself – when I go home I do not turn up at home tired, I am alive and awake to participate with what is at home, and this agreement has been quite supportive and how I participate within/during my days, because it makes me re-evaluate what I am participating within as who I am, is it the mind or is it HERE as the life force that I am.