The Trap of forgiveness from another, Day 7 of 21 – Day 592

Why is Forgiveness from others not the answer to ourselves and changing ourselves?

I have lived this point over and over, where I have done something that upsets another person, or that involved another person and to cause harm to not only myself, but the other person, and then the other person would forgive me. YET, I have not forgiven myself, so what happens next – I do it again. Because I was forgiven, I felt that I am now free, I have nothing to worry about, because the other person could forgive me, it probably means that what I have done wasn’t that bad, regardless of me KNOWING that is it bad, this point of forgiveness from another BUT no self-forgiveness becomes a reason and excuse to just do it again, because the other person can just forgive me again, I mean, why not, and so it becomes an evil cycle of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else forgive me for what I have done that wasn’t best for all life, for myself or the other person, to use that forgiveness as an excuse, a reason within my mind to simply do what I have done again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the forgiveness of another through using that forgiveness to only make myself feel better about myself as a FEELING to relieve the shame and guilt and regret from what I have done, and to after this relief of the shame, guilt and regret feel more open and clear and to within this find within me the space to again fall into the abusive pattern as before, as I have not forgiven myself or taken into account the measure of my actions in fact on my personal life and a global scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that another forgives me just so that I can feel better about myself, feel lighter, to release me from the emotions I am experiencing within me, and to within this enforce a believe within me that because the other person could forgive me it must mean I didn’t do such a bad things, and so I start justifying what I am doing as not so bad, as actually good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEEK forgiveness from another after I have been bad, as to find evidence, proof from people/others outside of myself that I can be forgiven, that I am not as bad as I think I am, and thus within not forgiving myself, I go back to recreate the same abusive pattern as a curiosity, to find out, if the forgiveness that I received from the other person was real, if it was actually real, as I find it so hard within me to believe that I am a good person, and so use the forgiveness of others after and of my abusive habits/patterns to Uplift myself and how I feel about myself, what I belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as Long as the believe that defines me, where in this case the believe of me as being inherently being bad, defines me within any part of my beingness, and that I do not forgive myself and eradicate this belief of myself from the roots of which it came, that I will always fall back into the habits/patterns and seek redemption from outside of myself just so that I can again recreate and LIVE the belief of myself as being bad to then CONFIRM it through how others react and respond to me and then forgive me for me as to for a moment feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the belief of me being a bad person proven right through deliberately participating in the actions of the habits/patterns that is abusive to me and others, so that I can get specific reaction that are created specifically within the specific actions I take within the habits/patterns from other people to “relive” a certain experience within me, the experience that I have defined myself according to since I was a child, since before I could remember. Just to confirm I am bad, and to live that definition of myself as confirmed, as I have not forgiven myself and only seek LOVE as forgiveness from others, indicating that as a child, within my first seven years, where I was programmed mostly, I have had experiences, moments, where I defined myself as bad, as shit, as not worthy of life, and not being loved, cared for, and to within this start participating in self-abusive patterns that simulate what happened with me as a child, as reliving the confirmation to why I have accepted and allowed myself to be who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else FORGIVES me for what I have done, to feel like it cannot be real, it isn’t possible, I am not forgivable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am so bad, so lost, so screwed that forgiveness even from another to me is impossible and thus how can I even forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it impossible that someone else could find it within themselves to forgive me, when I cannot even find it within myself to forgive myself, and thus I see and realize that I must find it within myself to forgive myself, as I will simply re-create and abuse myself and others as to attempt to PROOF to myself and others to why I cannot be forgiven, as I cannot even forgive myself, and to use that as a reason, as a justification to continue to exist as the personality/character that I have lived as all my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR forgiving myself for the abuse I have always existed as, as the belief I have lived as myself my entire life, as this forgiveness will mean that what I have lived and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be was never real, and thus all the abuse and harm was for nothing, that my experiences was for nothing, that I have wasted my life in living out this belief of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KEEP participating within these abusive patterns/habits as wanting to give value to what I have been living my entire life as the belief that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as just to not have to suddenly give up all that value in energy and time that I spend living and defining myself as this belief of being soooo bad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that NO matter how much other people forgive me and how many times I am forgiven, that as long as I cannot find it within myself to forgive myself and to live the correction, that I will keep on accumulating the consequences till I face reality hard on and where I have finally manifested a BAD reality equal and one to the belief that I have defined myself to, and then I will face self-forgiveness regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret someone else as forgiving me that it means that what I did is okay to do again, even when there is NO common sense in the reasoning but only irrational thoughts and energies coming up within me, and to within this start the cycle of abuse all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do bad things in the search for forgiveness just so that I can feel loved, cares for, where I have separated these qualities from myself and have never even given them to myself, not even knowing how to give it to myself, and thus I see and realize I must investigate these words and to redefine them for myself, as how I am living them now is that of abuse, where I believe that I will only receive love after I was abused, or being abusive, that care will only be given to me once I Have acted out, once I have been bad, and so I always keep on falling into the habits and patterns to seek forgiveness and then receive care/attention/love whereas before when everything was seemingly OKAY, there was no love, there was no care, no affection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what I am living now as my BAD habits and patterns that is abusive is possible to trace back to its origin, within investigating the specific patterns and habits that are abusive and to simply take it back to childhood years, to where I developed myself and how I took my physical reality as WORDS that I later on imprinted into me as LIVING.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do BAD things to receive the opposite as GOOD after wards.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to go back to basics within investigating myself within breath, within checking the mind, the design of polarity and how I can use checking polarities what each point within my bad habits are representing within its polarity, where I am participating in being bad, how am I being bad, how do I prefer being caught being bad, and what is the already expected reactions and outcomes of those in my reality – as that reveals and shows the design that I am participating within.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I deem as BAD is also only bad because of How I am doing it, who I am within doing it, and thus this who and how is exposing all that is required to see what the future play-outs will manifest as the reasons for my actions, thus I can access, am I doing BAD things in secret, is it bad or just bad because I am doing it in secret, is it bad because it is actually bad, what does it mean to do something in secret, what changes the point of view when I am doing it openly, will I still want to do it, will it still be bad, will I then simply find something else to be bad about, must what I do be in secret to be bad, and why? How did I come to this conclusion, was I punished as a child for doing things openly and so I started doing things in secret, and then wanting to be caught out.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I do not take full self-responsibility for myself within giving to myself the understanding of WHY am I and HOW am I to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be that NO amount of forgiveness from others for my actions will ever solve anything, as I must forgive myself as TRUTH will set me FREE, within self-forgiveness, and thus I can STOP that which I do not like and do not want to keep doing within full understanding, by actually giving myself the time to write and to investigate myself through writing self-forgiveness. And unless I do so, I will be a slave to my patterns and habits, as they are here to support me to find myself, to understand myself, and unless I use that help, support to stop, I will mindlessly participate in abusive habits and patterns that is NO good to anyone.

Blank mind- Day 6 of 21 – Day 591

Today is a short blog. Yet a very relevant one, as I have encountered this point many times, and it is part of the process. Hitting a blank.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blank in the moment of sitting down to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the moment of going blank within me on what to write about as meaning “there must be nothing then” – yet within self-honesty I know I am not yet standing one and equal as all life and have dealt with every point within me, not am I aware as all LIFE yet, and thus I am still mind enslaved as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the blank mind thought that the mind is throwing at me as to prevent me from forgiving myself for what is here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize in the moment that when I have a blank thought that it is still a very obvious indication that I am not the authority of me yet as the mind is able to shut me down from seeing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have a Blank thought like the idea of not having anything to write about and to jut use it as an excuse to sit and do nothing, or to just indulge within self-interest as there is nothing right now to write on or apply self-forgiveness on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the thought of the idea attention to NOT write today as my thoughts are blank and wanting to be led into that temptation of just being directed and remaining a slave to the mind and how I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ALMOST live the regret of not writing and to make it okay again and to just go with it, within the justification of “Oh well, it is just for tonight” and so knowing how this usually works, it will then snowball effect and I will end up using this excuse over and over as I know I am getting away with it, as I know no one else can say anything different from me not taking self-responsibility for myself and that it will only effect and harm me so no harm done, and thus not considering reality and how things work in fact as we are all inter connected and in fact effect everything in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ALMOST give into the temptation of the mind as accepting and allowing myself to empower my least potential and to become okay with that and to then always live within that least potential as my own burden I will carry and thus it is “okay” – not seeing and realizing that the burdens I place and carry on me effects EVERYTHING I do in and during my day, and thus my reality, even when I think it will not and thus the consequences is always long term, and where later in life I will ask, but how did my life and all life on earth come to this, this fucked up point that isn’t best for all life. Yet I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create every excuse and justification available in the book to NOT write and YET will never do the same for writing, for supporting myself and assisting myself and taking self-responsibility and birthing myself as LIFE and what is best for all life, and thus this brings the question to – what the fuck is going on that for that which does NOT support all life as myself is always placed last and will never be fought for, yet for abuse and the lesser we can come up with every single excuse and justification in the universe to why it is that way and must be that way and why it must never change = we are fucked.

The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

You are just a stupid Child Day 4 of 21 (day 589)

An interesting memory came up today, I first had shoulder pain, so I asked my partner to just touch my shoulders, so that I can see what information was within my shoulders as it is being release, so as I stood there and my partner pressed on my shoulders for a minute, I got a pain in my neck on the left side, which showed me a point of expression and the shoulders was burdened and self-judgement, as I was breathing, I saw a memory coming up, as this memory came up and I started talking about it my shoulders started relaxing and the pain in my neck, but the points are still there. So here I go with the memory. 

This memory isn’t very specific, it is many memories blurred into one experience within me, like the impression of my entire childhood, where the impression I got as a child living and expressing myself was that everything or anything I wanted to just do, that was different, that wasn’t “normal” was seen as me just being a child, and the definition of a child in general society, especially in my county, is that a child is stupid, so I got the “feeling” always that I was stupid, in adequate – that I must rather listen to the adults and do as they say, do as they do and then I will be seen as intelligent, as good enough, as smart. YET, I had a conflict within me to why can’t I do what I want to do and express that. 

Now this has become part of me as an adult, where I now always feel when I am doing something different, outside of the “norms” of what other adults are doing, that I am stupid, that I do not know what I am doing, that I am just messing around, that I am not serious, that I am just going through a phase, that I will come to my senses later on, that what I am doing is a joke. 

This created a massive ego problem later on as an adult, where I as an adult become very aggressive, very angry, and I want to PROVE what I am doing isn’t stupid, that I know what I am doing, that this isn’t just a phase, that I am capable, and so I become a very sensitive person actually, very emotional, where anyone that might challenge me to make me experience myself as that child again, will trigger some nasty shit, some fire being thrown at them. And this makes me a very reactive and unpleasant person to be around, even though what I am presenting as my face and behavior is calm and cool and confident, all this is a manipulation technique developed to “keep face” as a way of showing the world that world was wrong, the world here being the adults, their believes, their cultures, their “ways” and so forth, and so I become very stubborn over time, very difficult to change anything within me, as I fear losing this life long battle as me as the child against the adults. 

Even now where I am an adult, I still see myself as a Child that is fighting the adults, that is here to prove the adults wrong, and this creates a lot of stress, tension and a massive Burden that I have created for myself to carry and to accomplish for myself, as I am always walking in-between winning or losing, never walking actually in stability as this is a polarity based “game” that I have created within me, and as a teenager did rebel, did attempt to break up my family and relationships in abusive emotional ways. 

And so the battle of the Ego’s commenced for eternity, where both sides perceive themselves as the good side, yet each opposite sees the other side as the evil, and thus a losing battle begun of knowledge and information, who is right and who is wrong, completely missing common sense, self-honesty and the physical reality, as the it is and can only be a battle of MIND as energy and a winner and a loser. 

Lol where to begin the Self forgiveness?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight adults or people that I see as “adults” and to within this fighting which can come through as general speaking want to “win” the conversation as to feel that I am not stupid, that I am not lacking, that I am not in the wrong and to make the adults feel like they are in the wrong and to make them feel as if they are a child that is stupid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling or experiencing myself as a stupid child where I am corrected or said to be wrong or to not be taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously even when I am within all seriousness expressing myself, yet I believe and perceive that people see me still as a child. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive me and to within this perception they have of me hold that against me within anything I do or say and where this perception of me that I believe people have of me is always negative, as inferior, as less than, as just Gian being funny. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned of what others people have as a perception of me within their minds and to act within that concern and to always wanting to proof that concern that I have wrong to others, when in fact I am actually attempting to proof myself wrong, as the concern is existent within me as my experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be concerned about how people see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that people always see me as only the best qualities that is that of right and intelligent and wise and full of knowledge. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the perception of myself as not being smart to exist within me as a conflict within me that I have with myself where I am always fighting myself and attempting to proof to myself that I am smart, yet finding this impossible as I am fighting a believer of myself that I am not smart which will always be there no matter how smart I get, and thus my smartness will never be enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid and not capable and to within this self-judgement FEAR that others will judge me the same, or see that I am judging myself as that and then take advantage of that judgement I have of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience I had a “just being a child” to take hold and effect on me throughout my life and to infect everything I as an experience of never being enough, of never being creative or an individual that can express himself, and to within that always Blame those that I have deemed as being responsible for my experience and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold an impression of my childhood experiences within me of that I am not normal, as just being a child, as stupid, inadequate, not capable, not serious, that I must always listen to adults, and do as adults say, those with “experience” and that have lived longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the impressions I got from family, society, that I am not smart, that I am not intelligent, that I am not good enough, and to within this form an inner conflict within myself of self-hatred, where I started blaming and judging myself for “missing” all those things and so always fight with myself within myself and started developing self-hatred and anger issues also towards others that would make me experience myself as all those things that I am “missing” and take the fight/conflict outward to make the other person/people feel the same way as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make others feel the same way as I experience myself just to get back at them, as to blame them for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I communicate with other people over the internet or in real life, to always have a defense system up where I am ready to protect myself for in case I am challenged in the fear of feeling like a stupid child again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist as the insecurity of and as a child of and as the system definition of a child, instead of standing by my physical child as the confidence of ME as the physical, and to within this separate myself from the expression of the physical into the mind as a energy program that works/function on polarities as reactions, as winning and losing, and to within this create a religion of myself that I must fight for, that I must protect, where I am in fact always only protecting the ideas/believes/opinions of myself of being a stupid child and never actually changing myself as the problem within me through corrective living. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto having to fight everyone in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that I must defend myself against everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea/believe that I must always prove myself to everyone or I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the fear of losing, where I believe that if I have to even lose in a conversation or in a talk or any form of communication with others or the world or where I do not know something yet, that I am less, that I am not worthy of life, of being me, or expressing me, and that I should rather then shut up and sit in the corner as I was taught to do in school. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back on my expression and common sense in the fear of that anyone might challenge it, and that I might have been wrong and need to re-look at what I looked at and to within this actually only fear knowing my ego and that I will be unwilling to admit I have missed a point and so rather not express myself in the fear of facing all my ego points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation as I fear feeling like a child that is stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be able to right now as I am, know everything in existence before I can express myself, seeing and realizing that this comes from the ego point of fearing being wrong, losing and thus I want to prepare myself to ONLY win, and so I lose all common sense and rather focusing on knowledge and information as reason as weapons to defend myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for doing something different than what adults advised me to do, where I fear that the adults will laugh at me and see me as being stupid and funny again and thus not being taken serious. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this “being taken seriously” such a big point where I can actually become possessed by anger and wanting control people and events for the sake of feeling that I am being taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add so much value of who I am within needing to be taken seriously. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I must take myself seriously first and even when I do take myself serious to take it kindheartedly, where I attach nothing personal to what I say and do, but to walk it within principle, within self-honesty and common sense, to simply always make sure that I am checking my words to be within common sense, supportive and best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be tense within myself expecting the worse responses from people within what I do and what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tense within myself when and as I am being serious, seeing and realizing that I am tense because I am writing from the starting point of “people MUST take this what I am saying serious or there will be shit” and to within this place heavy expectations on myself through how I have placed the word in writing or speaking and thus create a In Tenseness within me through how I have placed the sentences that now hold me to them and their expectations as the intentions I had behind them, which was and is still based on self-interest to PROOF myself to others as being serious, instead of my starting point being clear, a realization and insight of a real moment as a living being walking within Principle and expressing the insight, realization as is and to not ADD on the extra bit that comes from where I believe I am lacking and requires to WIN and seen as serious and thus always exaggerate my words to make up for what I believe I am lacking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT check myself in slow motion breathing and what is HERE as personality and to stop and all personality/character that interFEAR with what I have seen as a realization or insight and where the message remains clear and thus supportive for all one and equal as the physical, no mind added, no secret agenda, no tail, no intention, no Bias. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast aside simplicity, direct hereness, seeing and to add biased messages and values within my words that supports the mind, as my characters, personalities that are always from and as a negative starting point, even if the message is “positive”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see a person say something or comment on something which contains a lot of information and knowledge to cast aside my simplicity and t take what the person has said as a personal attack/challenge to see if I can beat this person, if I can win with my knowledge and information and so chase away people, and so create wards and fight and conflicts that are unnecessary and very personal and not what is best for all life, and not for myself, or I would not have had any personal connections to my words as they are as and for all life, and not for a personal agenda. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up as I am about to say something in the fear of saying the wrong things that makes me sound and seem like a loser and thus not win, instead of breathing and trusting my simplicity, my direct seeing, my common sense and to speak that no matter how I “think” others will receive it, as long as I check my words and know they are clear and in alignment with what’s best for all life, expression common sense, expressing NO emotion, no feelings no personal attachments that then contaminates and renders the message useless. 

I commit myself to when and as I see I am about to speak, type, write or do any form of communication, to check myself, to slow down, to remove all emotion, feelings and to forgive what is here behind my starting point for wanting to do what I am about to do, to stabilize myself and not rush into battle and to check my words, my common sense, my self-honesty and to write the words that are clear and to not attach any personal value where I feel what I am saying will give or remove any value from me, as the value of my words must stand within common sense, self-honesty and that stand in the physical and needs NO fighting, no argument, no personality, NO bias.

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Love, Sex and Relationships, Day 3 of 21 – Day 588

Note: The following self-forgiveness are from points I have walked, and still walking. Yet all are relevant, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question where the design of relationships come from and why I have accepted and allowed these ideas as normal and never questioned the actual physical feedback within this reality and what the current way of relationships has produces within this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself and the way I approached relationships with other people, especially to create a shared relationship as a partnership with another and who I am within it and from where within myself I am approaching it and where that approach comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question the design of the Desire for relationships I have within me towards women and why it is so specific, where does these specific desires come from, how did I just accept and allow them and follow them like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question why my specific Likes and Dislikes are just seemingly here within me what I like or dislike within girls, as if I was born with it, yet how can that be possible, does that mean that before birth where I had NO form no sexuality I have already had these dislikes or likes? This makes no sense and thus is nonsense, thus I see and realize that what I like and dislike is in fact NOT me but the proof of pre-programming and that I am simply an organic robot, unless I stop and breathe and actually live without judgment and direct and be responsible as a creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question my sexual urges and wants, and why they can be so specific, yet I was born without any of them, thus where do they come from, why do I make them real, why do they influence me, why does my sexual urges and desires have power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sexual Desire and urges as Normal, even when common sense proves that it cannot be normal it cannot be WHO I AM, as who I am existed before and maybe after death, and thus these sexual desires and urges cannot be mine as they are limited and bound to the form of the physical, and thus also programmed into the physical through the mind as the system as the media, family, culture, religion, society besides the physicals basic expression for erections and sexuality.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sexuality anything more than the physical design of the biology of my male body and to abuse the body through participating in the mind as images, pictures, imagination, fantasizing about others/anything and fitting my sexuality into that and giving that power as desires and urges and thus compromising myself and LIFE, as I am now contaminated by impurities as judgements and giving that energetic experiences and power of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT question anything within common sense through utilizing the physical as my reference but instead attempting to use the mind as knowledge and information to keep the illusions real and to keep myself BOUND to enslavement through the mind as energy, as attempting to be MORE than the physical which is without judgement and simply simple, direct and pure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Desire a relationship as something to fulfill me, to make me feel valuable, to give me a purpose in this life, where I want and desire a relationship to distract me from who I am, where the other person is filling and making up everything I feel I lack or am “bad” in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a relationship from the starting point of separation where the point of seeking a relationship is to find someone that will make me FEEL better about who I am and not challenge me to actually in fact change, to accept me as me without question, and where I can then share my life with this other person without being challenged and continue to be who I know I am that isn’t best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the IDEA of relationships were something that my parents, society and culture had to teach me, program me with, for me to accept it as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the person I am in a relationship within is my possession, belongs to me, and thus, I have this experience when I seek a relationship that I must be careful who I choose, who I will possess, who I will owe, who I will control, in the fear of that if I make an agreement with someone that does not fit my IDEA of a “perfect” partner, where this perfect partner is actually just perfect within fitting my IDEA/believes and opinions, and thus Fear that if I choose the wrong girl that I will be challenged and thus NOT loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on HOW relationships should work from my parents without question, and to just accept It as normal, as the way it should be, never questioning that if MY parents relationship was the IDEAL relationship as an example to me and human kind, then why is the world all fucked up? Abandoning all common sense for the sake of what my parents relationship showed me as the control, possession, deception, freedom to abuse and use in fact for the sake of how each person feels, and not how it contributes in fact to the world as a whole as creating and maintaining a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a Young kid, as a male, look at girls and feel shy, feeling like I am the Opposite of a girl, and that girls are aliens to males, and thus I must develop a method of deception and manipulation to simply interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a young kid, feel weird around girls, based on what I have heard and seen within society and culture, where males must be strong and confident and have the guts to simply TAKE a women, yet I always felt I missed those qualities, and so I found having general relationships with girls as impossible by just being me, so I had to create this game just to interact with girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of having NO support in my childhood years on what it is I am experiencing within me towards girls, the opposite sex, and why I am experiencing the things I was, and that I was left all alone to figure it out by myself, and so I would take other kids. Other males as example, what they show me, what I see ad what I hear and to within that program and train myself slowly but surely to become these other males, their examples, to find a way to define and direct what I was experiencing within me towards girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Confuse general conversation with girls as being different to what I had with Boys, simply because of what TV, media, family and society has given to me as an idea, that you need to steal a girls heart, you need to play a girls heart, you need to be a real man, where this real man Idea was so farfetched that I never felt like I was reaching it, and thus always feeling like I was losing out, and so within these ideas created by society as male and female and how it “should” be confuse my experiences with what others are saying, never really understanding anything I was experiencing within me, yes giving it definitions of the SYSTEM, such as what I am experiencing towards girls is called “love” – not realizing that this was simply other people transferring their confusions to me about that experiences they had as kids to me and “explaining” it. Calling it love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I talked to a girl as a kid and experiencing myself anxious due to what I have learned and heard from others what I as a male am supposed to be and what Girls are supposed to be and to then interpret it as LOVE, yet it was simply anxiety that was heightened due to me DEFINING myself in those moments within interacting with girls based on the feedback, if I am a real MAN or not. Which came from all the opinions/ideas and believes my family, culture and society has sold me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I was a baby I had NO internal experiences within me interacting with anyone, and that only later on after a lot of programming has already taken hold on me based on my sexuality and what it is supposed to be and how it is supposed to look and act, that I started creating Ideas/believes and opinions within me which compromised ME to simply express myself around anyone equally the same, where I would now place myself in a category of what type of male I am and so start searching and finding a “girl” that fits my MALE Ideas/believes/opinions I have created of myself, as what I DO have as a male and what I lack as a male and so find a girl that just accepts me and my fears/insecurities and make me feel just at home within my own believes/ideas and opinions that I accepted and allowed to exist within me without question since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse ALL the Biased information that I have received from society, family, culture as ALL the information as the feelings/emotions and thoughts that it created within me as “attraction” as “sexuality” towards the opposite sex, and explaining it as LOVE, and to within this connect the energy that was created within me due to all the information to sex and love. Seeing and realizing that all it really was is BAD education and NO understanding and thus I was left to my own vices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at girls and to think, wow, they are so different from me, and to within this create a separation between me and girls and thus a point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret this fear as the energy experience that I have/had towards girls as being a form of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the feeling of fear/anxiety that I have/had towards girls as being something that “meant” something more than what was HERE, me and another person talking, and to take this more and to place it into two categories of love or sexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure around a girl within communication and can’t find my words or stumble or feel as if I need to say interesting things, smart things, or make jokes that it means I must like her, there must be some sort of meaning to this that is more than me, and to label it as love, instead of seeing and realizing the facts that it is what I have been taught/educated about “male/female” relationships by society and where I have placed me within those definitions according to my Looks, my social stand, my economic status, and even my “race” as a human, and to either place myself high or low or in-between, and to within this I will also have different levels of communicating to different girls based on where I have placed them within these categories that society/family/culture has placed within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am around a girl/women, to actually slow down and to realize and see that what I am experiencing within me has nothing to do with the other person, and that the other person has actually in fact NO power or possible way of making me experiencing anything within me, as if that was true then I would have practically been able to make any women fall in love with me at any time, and thus I see and realize that it is all a mind job, where I am playing myself based on programming/brainwashing/mind control that has been placed within me since birth by family/society and culture and thus what I am experiencing is inherently MINE and has nothing to do with the other person, and thus I am fully responsible for what exist in me and can never claim or say to someone else, that THEY are making me experience myself a certain way, such as LOVE OR sexual attraction. And thus it is actually blame.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I want to create a relationship with a girl, where it is ONLY me and her, together forever based on how I experienced myself when I am in the presence of this other person, then the relationship will always and only be based on how I experience myself and hold the other person responsible for this experience and thus I will in all my power and control attempt to keep the other person I am in a relationship with exactly the same and never grand change or improvement for them, as that would mean I will lose MY experience that I have within me that I have attached and blamed the other person for as my experience as love, and then also hold the person responsible for how I will experience myself as anger, hate, frustration, jealousy, name them all, if they change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I must first be in a relationship with a girl/women before I can have sex, and to within this believe as a child, start playing a game of manipulating girls, to get girls to LOVE me so that I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now use the fears and anxieties that I have labelled as LOVE to manipulate and deceive girls to fall in love with me, where my LOVE if covering ALL their fears, where MY love is now the band aid to all their insecurities and fears and where I then become the perfect match for them and so I have their Trust, and so I can have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through the early on realization in my teenage years where I realized girls fall for love more easily than boys as girls have more fears than boys based on the same programming Both boys and Girls received from child hood, where girls are fragile and weaker and more emotional and boys are the opposite, to play this programming by using LOVE as a way to get to sex and to within this abuse the girl and in the end make the fears come true as the “male” and “female” definitions that we were thought as kids and got as impressions as kids, and so continue to live out the sins of the fathers, and as I get older start looking for a girl that will give me sex and even marry for this reason and abuse and manipulate it all as being LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ENJOY using the word LOVe as an easy way to simply catch a girl and to get her to have sex, and to even justify my unconditional LOVE as being real and genuine to the world, and completely hide the sex factor so deep that not even I can admit it to myself anymore and will even now DIE for this love, as I know I want sex and will have sex before I even die and that makes this LOVE so real and pure, as it will make my very wish come true even at death, as I have through this love captured and trapped the other person/girl for eternity and she is MINE now and forever and thus sex is guaranteed even till death.