Why is Forgiveness from others not the answer to ourselves and changing ourselves?
I have lived this point over and over, where I have done something that upsets another person, or that involved another person and to cause harm to not only myself, but the other person, and then the other person would forgive me. YET, I have not forgiven myself, so what happens next – I do it again. Because I was forgiven, I felt that I am now free, I have nothing to worry about, because the other person could forgive me, it probably means that what I have done wasn’t that bad, regardless of me KNOWING that is it bad, this point of forgiveness from another BUT no self-forgiveness becomes a reason and excuse to just do it again, because the other person can just forgive me again, I mean, why not, and so it becomes an evil cycle of abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else forgive me for what I have done that wasn’t best for all life, for myself or the other person, to use that forgiveness as an excuse, a reason within my mind to simply do what I have done again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the forgiveness of another through using that forgiveness to only make myself feel better about myself as a FEELING to relieve the shame and guilt and regret from what I have done, and to after this relief of the shame, guilt and regret feel more open and clear and to within this find within me the space to again fall into the abusive pattern as before, as I have not forgiven myself or taken into account the measure of my actions in fact on my personal life and a global scale.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that another forgives me just so that I can feel better about myself, feel lighter, to release me from the emotions I am experiencing within me, and to within this enforce a believe within me that because the other person could forgive me it must mean I didn’t do such a bad things, and so I start justifying what I am doing as not so bad, as actually good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEEK forgiveness from another after I have been bad, as to find evidence, proof from people/others outside of myself that I can be forgiven, that I am not as bad as I think I am, and thus within not forgiving myself, I go back to recreate the same abusive pattern as a curiosity, to find out, if the forgiveness that I received from the other person was real, if it was actually real, as I find it so hard within me to believe that I am a good person, and so use the forgiveness of others after and of my abusive habits/patterns to Uplift myself and how I feel about myself, what I belief of myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as Long as the believe that defines me, where in this case the believe of me as being inherently being bad, defines me within any part of my beingness, and that I do not forgive myself and eradicate this belief of myself from the roots of which it came, that I will always fall back into the habits/patterns and seek redemption from outside of myself just so that I can again recreate and LIVE the belief of myself as being bad to then CONFIRM it through how others react and respond to me and then forgive me for me as to for a moment feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the belief of me being a bad person proven right through deliberately participating in the actions of the habits/patterns that is abusive to me and others, so that I can get specific reaction that are created specifically within the specific actions I take within the habits/patterns from other people to “relive” a certain experience within me, the experience that I have defined myself according to since I was a child, since before I could remember. Just to confirm I am bad, and to live that definition of myself as confirmed, as I have not forgiven myself and only seek LOVE as forgiveness from others, indicating that as a child, within my first seven years, where I was programmed mostly, I have had experiences, moments, where I defined myself as bad, as shit, as not worthy of life, and not being loved, cared for, and to within this start participating in self-abusive patterns that simulate what happened with me as a child, as reliving the confirmation to why I have accepted and allowed myself to be who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone else FORGIVES me for what I have done, to feel like it cannot be real, it isn’t possible, I am not forgivable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am so bad, so lost, so screwed that forgiveness even from another to me is impossible and thus how can I even forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it impossible that someone else could find it within themselves to forgive me, when I cannot even find it within myself to forgive myself, and thus I see and realize that I must find it within myself to forgive myself, as I will simply re-create and abuse myself and others as to attempt to PROOF to myself and others to why I cannot be forgiven, as I cannot even forgive myself, and to use that as a reason, as a justification to continue to exist as the personality/character that I have lived as all my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR forgiving myself for the abuse I have always existed as, as the belief I have lived as myself my entire life, as this forgiveness will mean that what I have lived and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be was never real, and thus all the abuse and harm was for nothing, that my experiences was for nothing, that I have wasted my life in living out this belief of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KEEP participating within these abusive patterns/habits as wanting to give value to what I have been living my entire life as the belief that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as just to not have to suddenly give up all that value in energy and time that I spend living and defining myself as this belief of being soooo bad.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that NO matter how much other people forgive me and how many times I am forgiven, that as long as I cannot find it within myself to forgive myself and to live the correction, that I will keep on accumulating the consequences till I face reality hard on and where I have finally manifested a BAD reality equal and one to the belief that I have defined myself to, and then I will face self-forgiveness regardless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret someone else as forgiving me that it means that what I did is okay to do again, even when there is NO common sense in the reasoning but only irrational thoughts and energies coming up within me, and to within this start the cycle of abuse all over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do bad things in the search for forgiveness just so that I can feel loved, cares for, where I have separated these qualities from myself and have never even given them to myself, not even knowing how to give it to myself, and thus I see and realize I must investigate these words and to redefine them for myself, as how I am living them now is that of abuse, where I believe that I will only receive love after I was abused, or being abusive, that care will only be given to me once I Have acted out, once I have been bad, and so I always keep on falling into the habits and patterns to seek forgiveness and then receive care/attention/love whereas before when everything was seemingly OKAY, there was no love, there was no care, no affection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what I am living now as my BAD habits and patterns that is abusive is possible to trace back to its origin, within investigating the specific patterns and habits that are abusive and to simply take it back to childhood years, to where I developed myself and how I took my physical reality as WORDS that I later on imprinted into me as LIVING.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do BAD things to receive the opposite as GOOD after wards.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to go back to basics within investigating myself within breath, within checking the mind, the design of polarity and how I can use checking polarities what each point within my bad habits are representing within its polarity, where I am participating in being bad, how am I being bad, how do I prefer being caught being bad, and what is the already expected reactions and outcomes of those in my reality – as that reveals and shows the design that I am participating within.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that what I deem as BAD is also only bad because of How I am doing it, who I am within doing it, and thus this who and how is exposing all that is required to see what the future play-outs will manifest as the reasons for my actions, thus I can access, am I doing BAD things in secret, is it bad or just bad because I am doing it in secret, is it bad because it is actually bad, what does it mean to do something in secret, what changes the point of view when I am doing it openly, will I still want to do it, will it still be bad, will I then simply find something else to be bad about, must what I do be in secret to be bad, and why? How did I come to this conclusion, was I punished as a child for doing things openly and so I started doing things in secret, and then wanting to be caught out.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I do not take full self-responsibility for myself within giving to myself the understanding of WHY am I and HOW am I to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be that NO amount of forgiveness from others for my actions will ever solve anything, as I must forgive myself as TRUTH will set me FREE, within self-forgiveness, and thus I can STOP that which I do not like and do not want to keep doing within full understanding, by actually giving myself the time to write and to investigate myself through writing self-forgiveness. And unless I do so, I will be a slave to my patterns and habits, as they are here to support me to find myself, to understand myself, and unless I use that help, support to stop, I will mindlessly participate in abusive habits and patterns that is NO good to anyone.