So the word FAIL – has come up as the opposite within me regarding this point of wanting to please everyone, it is a mind consciousness design so it works in polarities, to simply keep the mind consciousness alive.
Success and failure are the two opposites, I have taken success and replaces that with “pleasing everyone/being a good person” and then the failure polarity is that of “upsetting everyone/not being a good person.
Here I have to go back to my early childhood memories where I was being programmed through my environment and how I interpreted the moments/experiences – as a child born into this world already as a being, as someone – this being/Someone as me starts to now living in this world where there are already BILLIONS of conditions set/in place, and as I as the being starts moving myself through this reality I encounter countless moments/experiences – with me not being born with any information about this reality I am now interpreting these moments by following those who has been here before me, unconditionally and how they respond to the moments.
This is happening from the moment of birth, and as I can say I do not remember anything from my birth till about the age of three – YET this is the time in which I learned almost everything I know today, my mobility as my body and all the parts of it, my language and speaking/speech and how I now look at the world through the formal education I have received from my parents/people in the environment(s) – then as I have now developed a language and a general level or vocabulary to communicate and interact with my reality and those within it, I can now start living by myself, but only according to what I have already now acquired as my education/words/vocabulary – which can be very limited and with all the wrong meanings or with emotional conditions to words and what they mean, and then also the amount of environments I am exposed to learn new things outside of the normal setup where I was born and raised in within the first three years – or it can be the opposite where I was enriched with a wide vocabulary to make sense of my reality more and to be able to communicate and talk more and to interact more with the right meanings of words/understanding of them and no emotional connections which decided how I interpret new information within my mind and thus how I in tern respond.
Now – it is obvious through me not remembering any of my first three years of life on earth, I cannot YET go back and find the main programming right now, but as I can see, everything that exist as me here in each moment stems from that, it is an outflow and thus actually still the same, it just looks different and I have over time made it my own as if it all is ME in fact, when in fact I was taught everything from someone else – not who I am.
So understanding this is easy, seeing this point is easy, and coming to terms with even if I know it isn’t me and that I was taught everything I belief myself to be and living it right now as if it is me, I have accepted and allowed it and thus I am it right now but It does not mean it is real and actually who I must be.
Yet back to the point, I learned morality from those that has gone before me, I learned what is good and what is bad through peoples actions and words and how they used those words and actions, and I took it on as the right way, and even if it was towards me, I would unconditionally take it on and become the moralities, the good and the bad, even if only the good was enforced within me by those that raised me, the good always implied the bad, the opposite, and thus if only the good was enforced within me then I made the obvious now conclusion, what is so bad about me that everyone only enforces the good in me, what is it that people think of me that I need to only hear the good, is there something that is bad about me that is being covered by all the good praise.
So as I can see ZI created the polarity point within myself within understanding the construct of good and bad from the system design as the mind consciousness, that if I am good then there must be dad, and I interpret the bad with my limited vocabulary by myself – and so the bad would become to BIG in my mind because the good has been praised to BIG/much from others, that I later on feared keeping up with all the good and always living the good and always keeping up to everyone’s standard of me being good in their eyes, this fear of now being bad became my internal reality, it became my fear – and as curiosity works, I had to every now and then push the point of testing out the bad, the opposite of my goodness, just to see if it is real, it others will notice it, and if it will bring different reaction, and so it did, I brought out reactions/actions that I did not enjoy, I did not want to be seen as bad because what comes from that is bad lol.
BUT – how did I interpret the reactions/actions of others when I did something “bad” in the eyes of other mind consciousness systems? The action has always been in the nature of suppression, suppress what the child is doing, hide it, in fear of the child becoming evil or being a bad person and only keep/reveal the good, which now became a belief inside of me as the child that there is something terrible inside of me, something great and evil that others fear seeing and so I must fear seeing it as well, I must be every afraid, I must never show it – because society will react in a way to suppress and kill this evil, this evil has NO place in society and I am this evil, it was confirmed by the actions/reaction of others towards me when I exposed/tested out the point.
So now in time, I have lived as a very good person, I have proven to be the opposite of this evil/bad that I belief lives inside of me, I have gone the extra mile to always help people and to always PROOF my goodness, while suppressing the real issues that I have developed through my limited mind interpretation of events back then and how other responded in ignorance and fear. BUT what do I know, with this belief that I am evil/bad growing and growing within me year after year, I started playing things out in my life that I deliberately did within this BELIEF (not real) that I now started using as my own evidence to proof that I am evil, and to proof my parents right that there was a great evil that they SAW in me as a child based on how they responded to me as a child acting in curiosity – and to have this last point of failing and being bad and to just proof that my parents was right, they had to enforce all the good in me all those years, they had to only motivate me positively, they had to only always come forth as happy around me, because if they didn’t, I would have ended up as a evil mother fucker, so the consequences isn’t nessasarely me going out and being evil – as it is all internalized.
It starts out with thoughts of failure, thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of me not being what everyone expected of me, as the physical reality exposes polarities with consequences that reveals us to ourselves and the polarities that has been created and lived so that we can have a moment to SEE and to change, to move out of the polarity constructs that enslave us the mind consciousness systems of energy with the purpose of one thing, to generate energy and to let self-interest prevail as a personality that wanted to be right/win, even if it means self-proofing and winning in being evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is an evil within me that I do not understand, because as a child no one else was able to explain to me what it was that I saw or acted out, but instead reacted and taught me to rather suppress and hide what is going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the belief and Ideas and opinions of others of what is good and what is bad and to within this classify myself as BOTH and to live out both, where I chose according to my environment and circumstances to live out the good and to hide the evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the evil MORE than what it is within me due to a lack of vocabulary to place it in common sense and assessing it and to rather go into irrational thinking that is based on emotions/feelings that then become actions that I myself to not understand yet justify as being ME.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a polarity of good and bad within myself and within this world, where I ONLY do good in front of others and do evil in secret as I have judged myself as evil and as good and that only the good can be exposed and the evil must remain hidden, yet the evil ALWAYS exposes itself at some point – which then can enforce the belief of oneself of being evil/bad and this personality comes out more where one starts participating within destructive behavior/patterns just to proof self and others right that self was evil all this time, as the good part of self later on do not get recognition anymore and it starts to just become normal and thus no more energy is being received from being good, so a polarity shift is required to generate energy again for the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this Good and Evil construct isn’t me, it is something that I was shown and taught.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this polarity of good and evil within myself as two extreme part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to belief myself to be.
To be continued