Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

Dictionary Definition for mirage is.
Something that appears to be real or possible but is not.

Is who I present myself to be really who I am, or is it just how I appear to be, do I appear the way I make myself appear to others to give the Impression that I am possible of doing specific certain things, as a way to impose onto others.

I have been observing myself for years, I am participated as myself for years while being aware of all the inner realities and whats happening while participating in the real reality as the physical.

What I have notices is that when and as I face reality as the physical in each and every moment that I am in a constant friction, this friction is always me attempting to keep up a mirage.

This mirage is to hide what is going on inside, it is to protect the inner experience and ultimately my self interest which is my inner reality as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

The friction is interesting, because I experience myself one way within me while I am attempting to keep the mirage of the opposite of that which is within me, for instance, if I experience myself as unstable.emotional within me, I will give the mirage of me being stable and strong as being able to handle certain specific fears within me.

For instance, when and as I am in fear of conflict within me, I will pull a though face, and I will start speaking more and louder and making manly sound when I speak, to make me sound like conflict as to say to everyone in my environment that I am conflict, I can handle conflict and then I also start walking tougher, and I will stand straighter and chin up and all kinds of physical things to create the mirage.

The mirage is proven to be NOT real and Not possible once an actual event/scenario takes place where there is for instance conflict, and suddenly I lose it all and I become the experience within me, the fear and the emotions and the unstable.

This is only one mirage, because the entirety of me is a mirage, I fear myself and who I am within me as my feelings/emotions and thoughts so I really do not want them to come out, I really don't like to be moved and controlled by my feelings/emotions and thoughts, and the only way I have ever learned to keep it hidden throughout my life was to create a mirage to hide it all, and through the mirage I avoid having to face my inner reality, because I believe that as long as I keep the mirage and avoid facing the inner me, then I am save.

This keeps going in circles and the mirage simply upgrade or install new information to change and to mutilate and to change according to the environments input.

For example, I face conflict and I fail to live up to the mirage that gives the illusion that I am capable of facing conflict and after the event the mirage will simply change to something else to make myself seem still capable of facing conflict and that i am OKAY, I am fine, the conflict did not effect me. This isn't helping as I never face who I am within it, but instead hide behind a mirage.

Day 348 – Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am busy with work and something happens and I have for instance the thought of calling someone to get input on the situation to Ignore such a moment within the believe that it isn’t necessary and that I don’t have to do it if I don’t want to, seeing and realizing such a moment is me as the quantum physical assessing everything at once and that already a common sense solution for me was made and presented to me to follow thought, and I can asses the solution presented to me and make a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Ignore the obvious points presented to me in the moment that is of common sense and a solution to the problem just because I do not feel like making the extra effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the extra effort within the moment no matter if it is necessary or not, as long as I check all options and solutions and that I can always know I wasn’t limited and did not limit myself within my capabilities and that I stand clear and at peace with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself stupid to the obvious points to follow in moments that they are here and to then when and as I am questioned or taken on about the problem and questioned on what I did to solve it to now have to create and make up all these stories and lies and excuses to why I did not follow the obvious point in the moment that was here, and get shit for that and make myself feel stupid and be made stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my limitations of not following all points through that is here to make sure there is not come backs on the points I am working with through ignoring the obvious moments of correction/solutions I see here and to continue forth within deliberate ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on living as excuses instead of solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the excuses I create for myself through not following through on the points that present themselves within moments as possible solutions to a problem/scenario to me and rather create them as regrets/could haves and thus excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest towards myself within moments of clarity within what needs to be done through not doing it within excuses and fears and all kinds of bullfrogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I create my own anger within myself towards myself for keep on making myself seem stupid because of those moments I did not trust myself when and as the points of possible solutions present themselves here and I do not follow through on it and just let it go and then face the stupidity of me doing that when and as someone else is throwing it in my face, seeing and realizing that I am creating distrust within myself f myself through my own actions instead of building confidence and self-respect and honor.

I commit myself to when and as I am in a situation and there is a problem that arise and I can see the problem and when and s that instant moment is HEE where I see the possible solution, to Stop and to breathe and to follow through on it, to trust myself and to also check that what I see does make sense and that it is a common sense solution and not just a quick fix, as the quick fix usually leaves out the fixing part. And to follow through even if it is for nothing, I know I will be clear and standing at peace and self-respect and honor within myself. And that NO excuses and no justifications and no dishonesty is crawling and lurking within me which creates consciousness and feeds it and thus only have limitations instead of expansions as myself to self-perfection.

Day 347 – Sorry, I can Not save you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to save everyone I meet personally that is in need and that I can see is being abused on some level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realizing that the people that I want to save is but only me seeing and realizing that there are humans/people living in this world in conditions that I would never want for myself and thus I want to help, but I cannot because I know I help one now and then there are Billions more all around the world, and only a real solution is a solution and a real solution is a solution that works for each and every one at the same time all round the world and that is permanent and consistent and that is stable and sustainable and thus trustworthy of LIFE forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that I am only one person and that I personally cannot save everyone that I meet daily from their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by wanting and desiring to save each person I meet at a time, not seeing and realizing that this kind of a distraction will take up my entire life and all my money and everything I have and YET will not achieve anything because the ROOT problem is still existent, and that is the System itself.

Thus seeing and realizing that I just dig into the system and learn to know the Soils and waters the system uses to FEED this root cause and to then cut it all off and take the problem out from its roots and plant a new seed, and that this new seed will not help just one man, but that this seed will help ALL LIFE all animals and plants and humans and the earth herself and that this is a solution and worth my time as I will not just help that one person in that one moment when I feel like I have to, but that I will help that personal for life and all his children and grandchildren to come, as I lay a system that is sustainable and that is always BEST for all LIFE and this seed is the Equal Money System, and giving it my daily TIME and caring and attention, it is growing, it is rooting and it is getting a constant supply of support and thus the tree of LIFE will come from the Seed of Life as a system that supports all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted with peoples personal life’s and to lose myself and my time within it as I try and attempt to help them, seeing and realizing that all I am doing in such a process is making myself feel better and not solving a real problem as what I am doing and capable of doing in such a moment is truly limited and only self-indulgence as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to first save myself and to rather distract myself through seeking to save others first. 

I am Insecure, What do you think of me – Day 346

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to CARE SOOOO much what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about self-conscious Ideas/images of what others want/prefer from me so much that I compromise my entire integrity and instead change when it isn’t necessary .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care TOO much about all the small things that is of consciousness that I make myself insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I walk around thinking and caring about what others think of me the whole time that I will feel insecure, and that it isn’t even the others doing it but me to myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Focus and care about myself as the IMAGE of myself that I have within my mind and to forget myself as the physical where there is no fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am within my mind participating within a Image and Likeness of what I think I am supposed to be by the expectations created by others through their words and actions towards me that I will Be Insecure as I am IN the mind, and to get OUT of the IN security I must live out as the physical OUT of my mind and in my breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live inwards instead of living HERE as me as my body as My sound as my movement and as the breathe in each moment where there is No Insecure where I attempt the whole time to keep myself In and secure from what I perceive that can harm my EGO, seeing and realizing that when and as I live IN side as the mind I am existing as the EGO and thus I am creating a EGO that can be harmed, when in fact it isn’t real, it is simply an image and likeness of myself, a false Idol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use submissiveness and obedience as a way to protect my Insecurity through accepting and allowing the subtle abuse happening as a way to avoid and standing up within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be easy and soft with Myself as to only protect my sensitive ego that I have created though years of mimicking my actual living with the image and likeness within myself that isn’t real, in the fear that, that image and likeness will be shattered and the true real me that I have suppressed comes out all at once as a reaction, instead of living me as the physical daily as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others have to say as Opinions/ideas/believes about anything and everything and myself and to make it a point of caring instead of keeping what is good and fucking debunking the bullshit with common sense/questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear speaking up and to voice myself within the idea that I am created of myself as the false Image and likeness of the mind I have of myself that it just isn’t me, I do not do it, seeing and realizing that it is only so because I have created it to avoid conflict, to avoid what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my entire existence around what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire that others only think good about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear other people’s reactions towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to stand within stability and common sense in the face of arguments with others, seeing and realizing that this fear only exist because I have given everyone else permission OVER me as more than me as I have given others ALL the power within my mind to define ME for me through Caring SOO much what others think of me, that they can literally create me through me not standing as my own self directive principal within and as Breathe as LIFE.

Day 345 – Prioritizing my Time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my Time through not prioritizing my tasks within the time I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave what I have to do up to chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time through doing things that does not need to be done because I do not prioritizing my tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that when and as I do prioritizing my tasks that I will have to give up my laziness and actually do what requires to be done according to my prioritizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on self-entertainment points such as just sitting around once I prioritize my time and what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear self-perfection as self-perfection requires elf discipline and living what I set myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from self-perfection through not prioritizing my tasks within the time I have and to leave everything up messy reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted as and within the mind from what matters within irrelevant thinking patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that distraction is an indication of no self will power but me following pre-programming as brainwashing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the mind as the thoughts I accept and allow within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone prioritizing my tasks within the time I have after work to be as effective as I can, setting up a SYSTEM for myself to follow and to really push myself within my effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that when and as I priorities my time that I will now not have time to relax, seeing and realizing that I must anyway always be relaxed in everything I do and not be in fear of what I am doing and that I can also add relaxing time within my schedule and also priorities relaxing time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stressful times for myself through not prioritizing my tasks and then only remembering my tasks once I have been notified of them which is a indication of being late and thus the rushing starts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blame distractions and everything else in my world for me not getting to my priorities, seeing and realizing that I blame because I am lame when I know I was the one remaining the same in the moment of change instead of standing up and moving myself and getting to what needs to be done.

Day 344 – Kids at work.

It has happened a few times now that there are kids at my work around the show room. While the parents are looking for cars the kids aged around 2-4 will be walking with and around the place, I as usual will be walking around or standing somewhere. Before I know it the kids are around me and they want to play, or they simply like to be around me.

Kids are comfortable around me since I could remember, they enjoy me for some reason, I can’t say what the difference is because I am surely not familiar with it yet, it is most probably my resonance that I have always had, people Trust me, as I am trust worthy.

So today there was a Kid at work, the third one recently that literally leaves their mom/dad to be around me, and I experienced myself as becoming uncomfortable after a while, because here is this kid, another person’s kid, and he trusts me, and he is comfortable around me, not with the other 5 people standing around as well, but with me.

I find that I then feel like I must do something, why else is the kid here with me, the kid is probably expecting something of me, should I entertain the kid, should I take the kid back to his parents, what does the kid want from ME specifically, this only came up today because it is the third kid in a row.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as a child is within my presence that I must become an entertainer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children only wants entertainment, not considering that maybe all they want is some stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as not being able to entertain a kid when and as I assume that a kid wants entertainment from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I am only entertainment for kids when and as they are around/with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as only being able to give entertainment to kids otherwise I am useless beyond that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as useless when and as I have nothing more to give other than my entertainment to kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that kids only seek entertainment and that entertainment is the only need kids have for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way kids can like me is if I am entertaining, not seeing and realizing that the kids came to me before I ever seemed entertaining and thus I created that point within me and towards the kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all I am good for is entertainment, not seeing and realizing that I am also stability and not your daily person as within the system, as I do not create a child as less than me or place them as incapable of anything within me and that kids will see this quality within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my qualities that I have within me that will draw kids to me for stability and some realness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear my ability that I have that makes it literally instant for kids to trust me and to be comfortable around me, enough that I will have instant effect on them within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deny my natural ability that I have with kids (the same as what I have with animals) because I fear the responsibility that comes with it, seeing and realizing that I only fear the responsibility of the point because I judge it as bad and not good for the parents side of that child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my ability that I have with kids and animals in the fear that others will feel less then or inferior to me for when the child/animal chooses me over them even when it is their own kid/owner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself with the kids/animals with my natural ability as who I am but to instead give into fear as the mind as consciousness and to limit and suppress and hide myself away from it all out of the fear of facing conflict with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear jealousy from others within my natural abilities that I have towards kids and animals, seeing and realizing that the fear of jealousy is coming from knowing myself when and as I am jealous and who I become when I am jealous seeing others applying their abilities without holding themselves back and that I then am only jealous because of myself holding myself back within my natural abilities and applying it effectively as others are.

Day 343 – Getting home from work, the Fly trap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home to sit down for a LONG time and just watch shows and drink coffee and stand around and waist time, instead of doing what I know I have to do and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not do what I have sat out for myself to do once I get home from work and to instead fall into the MIND as the thoughts as the back chat of “ I had a long day I deserve to do nothing for a while” seeing and realizing that it is a excuse/justification for what I am not doing what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do and get done once I get home through falling into the mind instead of remaining in breathe and doing physically what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I get home and see others are watching something to GET distracted and to then sit down and also just watch something I don’t really want to watch for the sake of doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by what is going on at home once I get home and to then fall into the pattern of staying within the distraction from the fear of missing out, instead of seeing and realizing that I can simply stand up and go away and do what I set myself out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make LESS time for myself and what I want to do through being distracted by what others are doing and busy with once I get home from work within the fear of Missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what I want to do ir set myself out to do through and within the fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I get home from work that the Lounge is a Fly trap and that I am the fly and that if I get distracted and fly into the fly trap that I will trap myself, and not see the opening till it is too late and I have missed all the time I had to get the things done I wanted to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rush hour for myself through wasting my time being distracted by what others are doing and busy with and wanting to just be around within the attempt to feel that I am not missing out within the excuse within myself, I was out working all day, I can sit down and do nothing now for a long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and create myself as one big excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that work during the day is hard and that it does take my energy, but once I get home after an hour of driving and doing nothing I have recovered and thus I have all the energy I need to do more and more and that breathing is a tool I have that does not require energy to move myself and thus can always be used to see what’s real and not and thus I see how I create the excuses through using the past and creating it in the present just to have an excuse of “ I am still tired” I must sit down and watch this episode, and the next one, and drink two coffees, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern for a couple of weeks now as a actual decision I make within myself every time, seeing and realizing that compromise and self-sabotage and the level of doing that to myself I am still at and how disturbing it really is for myself that I still haven’t corrected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone correcting myself within the excuse that I have already not corrected myself for a couple of days now what is one more day going to change, not seeing and realizing that that one more day has turned out to be a couple of weeks now and that I have created a pattern that is now controlling me and directing me and making decisions for me and thus compromising myself entirely as the mind as energy as limitation to what I am truly capable of when I breathe and push myself to my potential I know I am if applied for myself in self honesty.