I have been a bit sick for the past three days, with a saw throat, a slight headache and some throat pains and many body pains all over. At first, I thought it was just the seasons changing here in Panama, but then I came across another video today where the whole Burning of the Amazon is shown when I saw this my headache increased and my eyes hurt.
I then looked back the days before I was sickish (I am not sick like laying in bed and cannot move) I saw that in the days before I was watching headlines of the Amazon burning and then Africa and how I was within seeing all of this, who I was. For those of you that know me, and this was a hectic storm in my mind of thoughts and emotions and played a big part in my sickness now, Nature and Animals are my thing (another self-belief to deal with as an emotional stance instead of physical) – check out https://www.patreon.com/earthhaven where we are now in the process of immigrating to Panama and then looking for a new location to run our operations from. It is moving slowly as we have not yet completely got our residence here, and no work permits, etc. it is in the process.
I forgive myself for going into an emotional reaction of despair and anger seeing videos and footage of the Amazon and Africa burning.
I forgive myself for going into an emotional reaction of RAGE towards the money system and the humans on earth where I just want to say fuck it all, let us fuck ourselves up and get it done with, as a form of spite and easy way to not have to take responsibility for what is here as ourselves and this planet.
I forgive myself for going into an emotional reaction towards myself as feeling powerless, feeling like I fucked up, I did not do my best, I am too late and so go into blaming everyone else who did not do anything as I did and wanting to be spiteful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see images and footage of nature and animals as the creatures of the earth being harmed for money and human survival only, to go into a demon possession of rage where I want to simply destroy everything and say fuck it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see footage of nature burning down by men plan on this planet for profits and money, to wish for the end of the world of man and to end man and his time on this planet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to entertain the thoughts and emotions of rage/anger towards other humans where I take the position of assumption in believing that those who are burning the amazon and Africa are pure evil, and so miss the point that they are as I am only wanting to survive and support their families in a system that forces people to be evil as we are all slaves to money and where money is the only thing that can feed a family and so reason and common sense goes out the window as survival is short-sighted and everyone is tuck in survival.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those who are involved in the burning of the forests and nature around the world and so wish ill and evil onto them and thus onto myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that my shortcoming in who I am and thus what I do within this world is the same as most of humanity, where we all want to do something but we never moved ourselves to practically be able and capable, as I am now only able to sit in my house, write a blog and nothing else, I do not have a group that is politically active, or that has any power or say in this reality, no funds that can possibly move a single thing in this world, and so this is what most people will experience and thus feel powerless and useless, thus going to the streets and blaming others and screaming at people to change things is the only option which is a non-effective option and never changes anything, as the real solution is a political and economic change globally.
I forgive myself for when and as I see footage of the Amazon burning and Africa, to go into the mindset and emotional state of it is too late, we are fucked and doomed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me and us as this life on earth to be fucked and doomed and too late.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fight the consequences and wish for the consequences to not be real, to not manifest, and so I fight with myself in my mind and with my emotions as I am attempting to fight reality and how things actually work in reality in oneness and equality where we will be one and equal to ourselves and collectively and there is nothing that can stop that no matter how emotional I become, I have to stop and breathe and work with what is here as reality even when reality changes drastically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the suffering and consequences that the animals and plants and other people are going through as I know what is being done onto others will be done onto self as it is to give and so receive, and what is accepted and allowed for one part of life is accepted and allowed for all other parts of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in separation of pain and suffering and destruction and so fear it, instead of standing equal and one t it, as who I am as life, where I do not stand in the way of what is needed in oneness and equality for life to be rebirthed but rather with and like it and not to judge what is happening, to stand as who I am to breathe and direct me as best as I can in each breath with what is here practically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am changing anything about the fired and destruction of nature and all the animals through being emotional about it, to be angry and enraged and overthinking and fearing for what happening, and as I can see all I am doing it harming myself and making myself ineffective through getting sick and headaches.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if I did not have internet or computers or any modern tech, I would never have known the Amazon is burning or Africa and so what is real to me? Not to use this reasoning as to not be updated but simply showing that I can be stable and here within it all.
I commit myself to stop the thoughts, feelings and emotions within me through focusing on my breathing and being here, even when I see nature burning down on videos and earth being raped and killed, as I know that I can not do a single thing at this moment and need to keep moving me, keep standing, keep being here and not compromise me to become ineffective and useless through harming my body with HIGH emotions and thoughts that harm the body.
I commit myself to keep pushing the points I stand by this life and to not fall for the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and if I do to write, to forgive to change to purify me here as all as one and equals to stand clear, even if the world ends, we are still here and we still need to deal with ourselves and what is here.
This blog has some cool points in general for someone not familiar with Desteni, I write this blog mostly for the community I am within and those to come to our community of Destonians. So if you are not familiar, please take a look at desteni.org - as this blog is process specific and for those that have done their research and work for years within Desteni to come to the point of self-honest investigation and self into me I see.
Jesus was amazing in being and living the word as who he is in expression when he was here on earth. He demonstrated not only in his words and living the way forward for life/humanity but he also showed us that anyone can do it, stand as life, as we are all the same, from the same substance, equal and one, and so absolutely responsible for ourselves and what is here on earth.
Jesus as amazing as he was, and still he did not get it fully (so yes, you can stand as expression of life and still fuckup and even more enhances the problem), to the full extent of what is here as this existence, the mind/consciousness and most of all self-honesty, and neither do I yet, but it is clear for all to see that Jesus showed us who we are as life, and he at the same time showed us how FUCKED we are, we can literally have a GOD walk among us as an example of WHO WE ARE and we will Crucify that god for doing so. This is the one point where Jesus fell, being crucified instead of pushing through all the way as much as possible, it was his (personal) downfall, yet for us all, it was a gift still to show us the extent of the problem that is here if we dare see.
How easy is it to fall for the idea in our heads of rather sacrificing ourselves for others and hoping they would make it, they would get it, and give up on ourselves personally to transcend and rebirth as life one and equal as life here? it is very easy, because it is nice to think that if I sacrifice myself and give up on myself but not others, then they will make it, YET what I do know is, people follow by example, so in the end we have everyone sacrificing themselves for others and no one making it, because no one is pushing all the way through, breathing, self-forgiveness, living and walking brutal self honesty within a specific principle of what is best for all life, standing up and changing self and so effect the world in ways unthinkable to the mind. I mean, Jesus' time was two thousand years ago, and in that time no one has stood up as he hoped fro crucifying himself.
Have you crossed that path in your life? as the gross of Jesus symbolizes, the cross roads, where you either crucify yourself, give yourself up, give up on yourself due to reasons such as age, time, commitments, "responsibilities", stress, fears, insecurities, ideas and believes or plain out just not caring anymore and just want to be happy in an illusion till death pops that bubble?, OR where you climb off the cross as the BURDENS you belief you carry, lay them down and say, NO, I do not accept and allow the MIND as the cross to burden me, I stay with my feet on the ground and walk the path until it is done? This is a point everyone needs to and will face in their life, unexpectedly, subtly, or quit openly/direct, and a decision will have to be made, and once a person faces this point and decides to walk instead of crucifying themselves, it becomes a path that can only be walked in-breath, or the cross is simply lifted and carried again till an appropriate spot is found for it to crucify self on it, give up on self.
In our heads it can sound so nice when we tell ourselves that "I will sacrifice/crucify myself" for the sake of my family, children, or for others to have a chance this life, and we really sell it to ourselves to justify our actual FEAR of really facing the self-honesty of what exists here and how fucked we truly are within and without of what is HERE accepted and allowed as LIFE. It is truly a difficult path, and if Jesus could not make it, then how can I? take a look at how hard christianity sells the idea that Jesus is still alive, somewhere on a cloud, and they do this because they must have HOPE. but inside everyone really knows he is dead and did not make it, because he isn't here now in his flesh as they say. We all can see that. and thus we all know deep inside, fuck, if Jesus could not make it, how can I? and what does the path then truly entail.
Luckily Desteni is here to give clarity on this path for all, and the message, the educational material, and most of all the tools to walk this path, and Bernard who walked as an example to show. But, what can we learn from ourselves, even when a support structure such as Desteni is HERE, giving the process and the way on a plate for all to see, to walk and to live, it still seems no one is making it. have you made it? I have not yet made it..
Especially, when we look at ourselves, and we have had these tools and all the information that is needed 100% for free online, open for all, all given clearly in what is needed, the principles, the message, the understanding, and the tools, we find ourselves falling and failing and crawling and struggling and giving up on a yearly, monthly, weekly basis for the smallest challenges, obstacles, reasons and 99% they are mind related, not real. This creates the desire for a cross for oneself, even more, to rather pick that cross up and carry it, find a spot for it and place ourselves on it, and then hope that this suicidal crucification will somehow symbolize to our children, friends, peers HOPE!! that they can do it, but rather it is in return symbolizing we are fucked, gave up, and not what you think or want it to be. I mean a cross is a torturing device that kills someone slowly with crows picking out your eyes.
A self crucification can come in many forms, it mostly will symbolize in either two polarities, one of negativity or one of positivity in how we present our self crucification to others, to still create the Illusion of it being good, or meaningfull, just like what religion is doing to Jesus crucification and how it becomes a massive selling point, we sell our crucification to others, as if giving hope to others to keep moving on, keep pushing on, is all that is needed, but we ourselves are unwilling, we would rather parade around looking happy, or saticfied with ourselves in a world of dispair, or try and demonise everything and everyone instead of really being an example of walking the walk, facing our shit, being real about the shit that is here, walk a very specific process of educatio, and using tools of writing, self-forgiveness, corrective statements, sharing that openly where it is supportive and best for all, being very specific with a principle we live by and stand by, and so become a living example of change is HERE, not in a hope, not in our children, not in others, in ourselves, and so self crucification is a made up fantasy of change, a self-rightcious approach to change.
I have found and identified the point for me that indicated I am carrying my cross and readying myself for self-crucification within this process, and so I use these markers to check myself, as picking up the cross/mind is subtle, it is self-deceptive, it is cunning, it is planned in a manner that seems like it isn't a crucification.
These points are as follows, and they are real and physical.
- I stop writing, personal writing, or blogs..
- I do not speak my written self-forgiveness to myself.
- I stop listening to Desteni interviews, recording and forget about them
- I stop reading and educating myself, and clarifying for myself information that is available on the Desteni Website and only consume bullshit elsewhere leading to only knowledge and information that satisfy a conspiracy, a feeling, an energy that restarts by the engine of the mind and nothing else, feeding personalities and characters.
- I stop participating in group events, chats, forums, making videos/vlogs, sharing my process in the channels available such as FB, not being visible for cross-referencing. as the cross is then already planted for me to hang on, not in sight for others to see my action of self0crucification coming.
- I more and more lean to do things of entertainment rather than my process.
- Process is last on my list to give attention, instead of it being my living and sharing and fist priority as who I am as life.
- making money and relationships a focus point as an excuse to why I am not yet getting to my process.
- Concerned about what others think more and more and so retract myself from expressing myself.
- Making my process a burden instead of a living expression of who I am, as the burden indicates there is already a cross on my back, the mind.
Ok, those are some indicators I use and check out for, priorities, focus on one's process naturally becomes first once the realization of reality and what is here as who we are really sinking in, within the consideration of eternity and all life within it.
Clarification before reading.. This is a point I am actively still walking. I knew once I hit a spot in the blog, I had to keep going. So it is a long one and exposes some dark mind points, and consider this isn't ALL the time, it is in moments..yet in the background sub-consciously it is lurking always.
Support - Future of consciousness - The dark mind - https://eqafe.com/p/the-dark-mind-the-future-of-consciousness-part-80
I have this point within me, It gets me every single time in any negative moment where there is a very specific type of interaction with a person, especially with the people I share an environment with. I have struggled to clearly identify the cause of this problem, but I know I know the problem, it simply requires me to write it out.
I know for a fact that I judge people, I judge people through the disguise of "analyzing" them and placing them a certain way in my mind, a way to feel secure and safe, as if I know that person based on the data I have accumulated from them simply through observation, and what I observe I filter through MY mind and how I see things, not how they truly are.
So what is my filter through which I analyze people? and place people in my world, I want to feel that I am in control of my world and so the people, I want to feel that I know the people in my world, Even when that knowing is completely fabricated in my mind based on my observations that are deemed as viable through my filers of judgements and perspective of reality (which is my brainwashing) This also means that I want to be seen as a certain person in my world, which is to always be LIKED, to have a NICE relationship with people, a good one that does not cause any conflict.
BUT, I know that in my judgments as "analyzing" others I tent to only do the negative aspects of analyzing a person, as this is how I know what NOT to do or say and so avoid those points completely. I want the good and nice things, so no point in analyzing that as that can come anytime and I welcome it, so really all I have to do is control myself and act in a way where I always avoid the negatives and thus all that will remain is the positives right??? No, completely wrong.
Sure living this way creates a lot of neutral interactions and calm looking living environments, but underneath it inside I carry this massive database of NEGATIVE judgements of all the people around me, which in essence is me actually saying I am surrounded by enemies to myself, everyone is out to get me, to hurt me, to take me down, and all it will take is one wrong move to trigger anyone and everyone.
So what happens when I do make a wrong move, or when something does come up, like a confrontation from another person? well, a ton of bricks come down on me and everyone else, that is what happens.ALL the back chat, all the mannerisms and behaviors and actions I have ever judged and observed from another person as negative and held within me as their wrong doing comes up.
Here is the trick, while I am in the position of having a confrontation or something being pointed out to me as being wrong, and then all the points of the other person of people comes up within me as a way of now defending myself and attacking them to deflect the points brought to me, I go into an absolute reaction, my heart PUMPS with adrenaline, as i have so much ammunition to throw at them, I have no idea where to start, what to say or how to say it, and so within this I lose all perspective, even on my own points and what is being shown to me.
My heart pumps so heavy I can see my shirt bouncing on my chest and my eyes even start vibrating, I have no control and the only thing I can do is breathe, as every word I want to say simply makes it worse, like i might have a heart attack. Because I put so much value into defending myself, into not being wrong as the identity I have given myself that even the slightest thing that can point to me as being wrong, breaks that entire identity, and thus my world and control.
I still find it hard to really put it into words, as I must still fully understand this point within me. Thus moving on to self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear someone/people talking about me, or wanting to talk to me in a confronting manner, to go into an immediate state of self-defense, where I in that moment make all my thoughts and thinking about all the wrong's the other person/people have done to prepare myself for a defensive attack on them as to not have to deal with what could possibly be said to me or brought up for/about me to look at, deal with, to be wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of WAR when and as I feel like someone might confront me, or if they are confronting me in the fear of being wrong, of being shown how wrong I am, or useless I am, or incompetent I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give myself the value of nothing/zero.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am wrong, I am always wrong, and always in the wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a wrong being, that me being here is wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a wrong person, someone that will always be wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the fear of being wrong, in the wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that MY perspective on any feedback or issues about me is wrong, how I do things, see things, and so react within the fear of no one will understand me and pre-amtivetly already lose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen and judged as being incompetent, or being blind sided by something I did not consider and thus judged for as being incompetent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself as being incompetent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being incompetent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate state of assumption that if someone wants to talk to me about something that they are confronting me to show me how bad I am, or what I did wrong, or to get me to feel bad, to look bad, to bring me down, and so pre-maturely already go into full on attack mode and raise my heart and temperature up so high I cant even speak or do anything properly even after hearing it is something else than what I assumed and attack anyway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are out to make me feel bad, and so always feel like I must not allow them the opportunity and in return make the other person feel bad first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others feel bad and shitty before they can even put their points forth and have a normal conversation about a point that might be about an issues regarding me or where I am involved in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do onto others FIRST what I do not want to be done onto me in the fear of them doing it to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling bad, looking bad or being wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge feeling bad, or being wrong as being bad and wrong and so go in circles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brought down, to be taken down, to lose in a conversation or argument where I am the loser and so must change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be shown and for it to be revealed to me that I must change, especially when I know it and have been hiding from the fact.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place an illusion of myself in my mind where in my mind I am "doing everything I can, and everyone else isn't" and so always within my mind I am standing in a state of comparison to see if everyone is doing as much as I am, and always in my mind I am doing the most, and so when I am being confronted with not doing enough here or there, not doing my best, I take it super personal as I feel inferior people doing not as much as I am is pointing things out to me while they should be the ones doing more and stop looking at what I am doing. <--- this one hit a nail on the head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and see others as inferior to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a consistent EGO trip in my mind where I am apparently more and everyone else is less, and so must learn from me, and if I am ever given a lesson by someone else I react and immediately seek to destroy that person by pointing out their wrongs, bad things, and bring them down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DESIRE to destroy others emotionally by pointing out their lack, weaknesses, and make them feel bad and wrong just so that I can feel better about myself (here it is a desire, I do not act on it, stop it/suppress it, to clarify) as back chat in sudden moments will come up where I see opportunity in my direct reality to make a point, where the point I usually want to make is to hurt the other person, as a way of getting back at them from previous times, with pictures and emotions of anger and reactions running within me, I stop this and usually suppress it, breathe and move on, yet it accumulates into me not connecting or actually getting to know others (distance).
I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how much I am still living as the ego within my mind as my thoughts, back chat and the emotions and feelings that go with it, where I am always within myself standing above others, feeling I am more, better and have a certain RIGHT, and so always walking around in a state of being a tyrant, a sensitive land mind ready to explode if anyone dares step on me, yet believe that I am good, I am a person that is good and humble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the VISION and Projection of me to be a false LIE within my head where I place myself in a state of being burdened with all the work I do, all the EXTRA apparent work I do, and that I am doing soooo much more than everyone else, that this lie has become a state of privilege within me to only boost my EGO and so create a soup scenario where I apparently have advantage over others by just throwing my burdened life onto them when ever they want to talk to me about something to get our of jail free card.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how nasty it is to have the thoughts in my mind of comparison towards others of where I am always in a consistent state of seeing others through my mind in my imaginary world not doing enough, not doing as much I am (as a believe of myself) and within doing so make them less than me in my mind, and so when I am confronted by others about the things I do or do not do, I react very badly as I feel weaklings have the balls to tell me where I am not doing good enough, or enough or my best while I hole the illusion within my mind that they still struggle with primitive points or barely find it in themselves to push themselves, when I do it all the time according to my own self-belief, and now still being confronted??
Thus I see and realize that I react in this manner because I believe that no matter how much I do I will never be enough, or be appreciated, when others confront me, and so I go into even deeper and darker back chat of spite, where I ask myself, why am I even doing this, I do not have to do what I am doing, I can just fuck off and I will be fine, but will they? as a way of kind of now going into a mindset of wanting to punish and show others that I am fine, it is themselves they must look at.
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things, anything from the starting point of wanting something back, in return, where I feel I do this and I get that back, and so all I do is always like planting landmines all over, as they are with condition and not unconditional, and if the wrong buttons are pushed within me I will explode and the nature of myself and the things I do, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do things for the reason of self interest in the mannerism of gaining some form of control over others by making myself important in what I do and thus relevant from a starting point of fear and keeping others hostage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to even writing the statements above, as I see just writing that statement has brought up an enraging anger within me towards myself from moments in the past, where I felt like destroying others for their perceived weaknesses, while they are in the process according to my assumption of exposing my weakness, and thus wanting to attempt to emotionally manipulate and break down others before they can even try to break me down, because I am so fragile as the ego. (note, lower back pain emerged here from anger within me, and slight irritation).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind fuck and separation to exist within me of thinking and holding onto the perception of others being weaker than me and so inferior, and so within this kind of always see everyone else as useless and not worthy of being around with, of not deserving of my time and space, as I am already far more advanced and they will and are only holding me back. Not seeing and realizing that this is in fact a weakness of me and has nothing to do with others as I use this outlook onto others to justify my position and location and why I am where and how I am, and thus not seeing and realizing that I am creating a disaster for myself where everyone else will see no use for me as I am standing and living outside of the group up in a cloud not contributing, but waiting to contribute somewhere in the future with someone else that I see and feel are equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it to be hard to change this point within me, where I see myself naturally as better, not weak, more than others, as I have lived with this for so long, for so many many years, I do not know how else to see myself, see the world, be humble, caring, gentle and compassionate and to own my shit real time and to not make it personal but rather an event that support and assist me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this world as CRUEL and EVIL and so within that judgement became cruel and evil as the ego in the idea and perception that this is how I will survive and make it, to become the thing I feared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the things I always feared and disliked and did not enjoy within this world, the cruelty, the coldness, the disconnect, competition, comparison and all the deception, instead of seeing it, realizing is is here but I can and must stand as an example.
I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how deep the ego as the rabbit hole still goes and how far I must go within me to truly see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as nasty thoughts, evil intentions and back chat that flashes like a horror movie in my mind and speaks in tongues to me in the most unusual moments and events, memories and projections coming as if I am in an action thriller movie while speaking normally to someone, or see their actions and behaviors that has become my triggers for evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what is here as me and to within that reaction place a judgement as good or bad, and in this particular moment as bad, and so judge myself as bad, not seeing and realizing that this is all programs and energy being exposed and not who I am as life, and by forgiving myself and to see what I have accepted and allowed so I can and will change.
To be continued.
This blog might come forth as me being hard on myself, as I know I place a certain expectation onto myself, but I do this to shoot for the starts and reach the moon kind of thing, it helps for me to really SEE what is here, I do consider my practical living points currently even when in my writing it might look to the reader that I am just sitting and doing nothing, yet it is the exact opposite, all my time is full, so the point I am making is, in that I must stop the COPING character and take on the ACTIVE living of process stance as ME.
(I am writing this blog during a 12 hour work shift with the new job I got, after just having 3 hours of sleep and finishing an 8 hour shift before that, while Leila is sick and in bed with me taking care of Cesar) proofing to myself that when I am an active participant in my process there is time, there is space, I am here, and interestingly enough this actually supports a lot during my work shift, some simple good old writing. luckily it is online and gives the opportunity, 5 min here and there to write. So no more excuses for me in my position and location in my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a version of me that is coping, and so within this coping version of me feel I do not have to work more on myself as I am coping, as coping to the mind is just enough to remain in a state of survival and thus as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to COPE within and as the mind, and so not push myself further to stop me as the mind participation through implementing BREATH and self-forgiveness daily to truly transcend ME to rebirth myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of LIFE through accepting and allowing a complacent within me of coping and seeing that as enough, and so waste my time and life simply coping, making it in the system, yet not within me as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to narrow down my process to that of coping, as if that is the reason I am here, to simply cope and make it through each day, not seeing and realizing that within such a stance within myself and within life I have given up, failed in essence, and so lost the essence of this process as me, as why I am walking this process for me as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aspire for and towards small trivial gratifications in and of self interest on a daily basis to suppress my personal process and walking my personal process actively, taking on each and every point, and not just the seemingly important once, where I would on a daily basis aim for simple Matrix achievements of "I made it through the day", I have apparently done what was important (which according to the system is ONLY surviving) and then have to do nothing more but be a slave that is satisfied with his survival for the day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disturbing MYSELF through actually passionately walk my higher purpose this life of re-birthing myself as life, to stand one and equal as a true Destonian , facing my SHIT, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses and to forgive myself, to change to stand as what is best for all life, to own everything and take responsibility for all that is here as me within and without.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SHAVE my head and to keep my head shaved as a DESTONIAN as a living stance of the principals I stand by and as, YET miss the personal process I as a Destonian also committed to walk, which isn't pretty and nice, but self-honest openly, and to share this process, my process and to walk it where many others will resist and so stand as an example this one life that I have as me walking my personal process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FORGET the starting point of me being here, the point of why I am doing this without choice, and so have fallen into CHOICE as an illusion within simply coping and throwing away my time and moments of opportunity to stand and to face myself, to change myself, to stop myself as my mind and to rebirth myself as life, as what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LOSE sight of my process within the difficult times I have and am facing of real time physical change, through going into the character of coping, instead of standing breathing and seeing my process as an active living in each breathe where each and everything is a reflection of me and so an opportunity to face myself and take my process on actively, instead of my process simply running in the back ground and going the long hard route.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with everything instead of dealing with everything, and so within not dealing with everything that comes up within me as my reactions, my feelings, me experiences, I suppress and build up an entity of energy that posses me within my body, my actions, my thinking and eventually directs my life for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KNOW what I am doing through NOT writing self-forgiveness daily, through blogging as much as I can or making vlogs where I can and actively walking my process and NOT doing anything about what I know but WAIT for better days where I do not have to cope with changes and time, not seeing and realizing that through walking my process actively I solve the problem of where I feel I am stuck in and coping within, as I know this, I have done this, I have lived this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and keep myself in a consistent state of coping where I become very reactive to small things, petty things that occur in my small reality of coping as a way of finding entertainment and purpose, as I have within coping lost sight of my "higher" purpose that is me as my process, where my focus is inwards, into me I see and so walk from within outwards as a rebirth process in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I am reactive and taking things very personal in small things, as I have started to narrow my view of life within my coping bubble and so made everything personal, as I have insulated myself into a personal bubble where I believe everything is about me, losing sight of life and who I am here as life and so everything is a reflection of me to me and not something I must feel separate from and react to, take personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Lose my voice through not expressing myself and stepping out of my coping character that tells me "do not do what is here only keep things as they are" and so start to isolate myself and cut myself off, creating fear and anxiety within myself instead of confidence and self-trust as me here in breath.
I forgive myself that I have refrained from sharing myself within the coping character in fear of getting to much feedback or requests to talk and that I will not be able to cope then, instead of trusting me here breath by breath to move and direct without procrastination and burden.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from doing anything more within and as my process in the assumptive projection of expectation within my mind that I will overload myself by walking my own process and writing and sharing and making vlogs - and so have created a perfect MIND wall to not walk the very thing that supports me as to keep the mind in tact and in control ever so diminishing me.
My commitment is lived in the existence of this very blog for today = )
When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.
I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.
My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.
I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.
My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.
I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.
I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.
With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.
I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.
I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.
I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.
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