I am becoming more and more aware of how I have this resistance within me to be intimate with myself, to be with ME in silence, I see that this resistance is here consistently, like a ghost on my heels in everything I do, this ghost is representing the “past” – how this works is, in each and every moment that I am living “externally” the moment for me to truly express myself as myself as who I am, becomes a ghost, and the more and more I do this, the ghost is getting bigger and bigger, and eventually I will push myself to a point of “breaking” – this is where I will have to make the only decision that is actually a real decision, to be with me here in breath, or not exist basically. The reason I see for this resistance to be with ME/Myself, to be intimate with myself, is due to ALL that I have already done, and I know (this is important, because this is actually not the fear of the unknown, but actually the fear of I KNOW, yes resist and postpone) that the moment I am with me here in BREATH – then all I have even been, lived and done, GOOD or BAD would be forgiven, and thus I will have to release myself of my own Debt, why would I do that if I have literally defined myself according to my debt, my wrongs and rights, mostly my wrongs. I thrive on the self-definition that I have created in my own eyes and that I believe I have created in the eyes of others, this is building interest each day, and there is a lot of value on it as I make myself belief and others – the value is based on belief, I can’t suddenly change…. Then I would lose it all, my investments, I have spent my whole life creating/building up.
So, how is this eating me up to constantly give into the resistance instead of pushing through to be with myself? It is through the habit’s and patterns that I have established as external parts of my reality where I have to constantly participate within to keep defining myself according to my investment, my interest, to grow. I have to keep on compound the interest by participating within the habits and patterns, even if all of them are not best for me, or others. But to enforce the belief and try and give it REAL value I have to constantly manifest and create the exact same consequences within my life that are real, based off the belief/value/interest, to eventually grow the apparent real proof that this belief is real, this value of mine is real, that this is who I am, because now I can show people real things, I am my gold, and to proof that I as my own gold/resource needs to have proven value, so I keep on proving my value through consistently patriating in the habits and patterns to manifest the same shit over and over – even if it means I end up with total destruction of myself, at least I can then be with myself and say, SEE this is my value, my worth.
How did this get so messed up? That my worth and value of myself is that which is external from me, even if it good or bad. Why do I not see value in MYSELF as life, which is always the same value and needs no proof, I am already that proof by breathing, being here, it is self-evident, so why do I keep on insisting my value is something else by participating in ALL these external things to proof a point about some irrational point of value?
Here I look at the interest that has been planted within me, I say planted because I went through my first 18 years of life through a factory called the system of money, well there we have it, I have literally been living the exact same way within me as the money system, I have no value as long as I do not make money, I have no purpose and no one will be interested in me if I do not have money value, if I do not have a home, car, family, food, as proven by the billions in poverty, no one has an interest in them. So, I have to consistently create this character/personality that has value and an interest for others to be interested within and to see value, so that I can externally have the same, a fear driven force, and most of the cases all of this is a struggle, because it is in direct conflict with who I am in fact as life that is a total full and complete value always, so this fake value point starts taking over, where I start functioning exactly like the money system, giving LIFE no value and always only valuing the external (how I am, what I do), profiting, and this isn’t necessarily good, because of the conflict.
Bad, and shitty habits form, we can see across the world, Alcohol, drugs, porn and many many other addictions are existent here, as a way to release all the build-up stress, anxiety and fear that we have for ourselves as not bearing enough value and thus interest for others and thus surviving within this system of money.
So, going back to more personal points. Instead of writing self-forgiveness or breathing and letting go, and getting to just be with me in silence, I will instead drink more coffee, sit down and start bench watching videos on local politics, UFO’s, conspiracies, or I will simply start to THINK a ton, a lot, about everything, about life, about making connections, about people in my life, about all the small things and everything I can possible think about, In the fear of it all, as I’m actually through the thinking as the mind consciousness system checking and evaluating if my value and interests are still protected, that I still have value, if anything shows me that I might lose value, that I am insecure, I almost immediately break down and this leads to insecure habits and patterns of self-destruction that is self-harm and harm to others. Like the markets just crashed and a massive economic collapse just took place within me, and so all is running for their lives, and everyone is panicking and then after the self- destructive patterns and habits, I will find myself a new way, a new characteristic trait that might save me, my interest/value – and so I will test that part out, play it out and in a few days, weeks, I will have feedback, and usually it fails according to my mind consciousness system, so all repeats and same old points play out, and so it goes in circles, and as this continue the value of myself is going down and down, because in reality shit is getting worse, and since my value is externally placed, I can never be stable, and so I see, I have to come to a point of stopping and living what I know – Who I am.
It is hard to let this go, to stop participating within the internal economic system of interest and valuing self through thinking and the calculating and accessing process of what habits and patterns one has invested in to FEED ones betting systems, the videos, articles, recordings about anything and everything and to actually start taking this process fully internal, till my own self-value is that equal and one to life and noting externally changes anything of me, so I stand clear. The thinking is extreme, it has to stop, the calculating is extreme, and it has to stop.
Can I sit on my bed for hours and breathe and be here with me, letting go, be silent, instead of giving into participating in distractions that feeds my thinking/betting systems.
When someone says “they have lost their marbles” it is an indication of they had something collected and then that collectedness is now not there anymore, it is scattered, everywhere. This is usually when someone goes a bit mad, or have an anger fit – I would just say it is when I react, I lose my marbles.
The GOOD thing about losing my marbles in a moment of reaction is, I choose what I want to pick up again after losing them all, and scattering them all over the place, it is a deliberate action from me that is required to now pick up these marbles, so I have now scattered this collection of spheres, spheres of information/characters/personality name it all, each sphere has something within it that I have defined myself as. This is what I am saying the marbles represent and how it is possible to lose it or scatter it because it isn’t real – it isn’t real within the fact that when I get angry or react I can lose them. So, why pick them back up at all?
I had a moment today of reacting, a very deep reaction. A deep reaction is different from an obvious reaction, an obvious reaction is when someone calls me a name and I react to that as an example, a deep reaction is when I react and I just cannot put my finger on it, what am I reacting to within myself, what is it that I am not getting, or seeing within the “external point that is bringing up my inherent point within me through the reaction, so a deep reaction is one that I can’t see in the moment of reaction, the actual reason.
Practical imagination for support
Imagine you are holding ten thousand tiny marbles in your hands, your hands are cupped together and held in front of your chest, you walk around with these marbles every day, these marbles DEFINE you, each and every marble has a word on it, and each word is a definition of who you have defined yourself as, one marble will say Loving, the other will say introvert, then angry, depressed, drunk, addict, dancer, family, mom, dad, I mean the words go on and on, BUT within all these marbles you have a whole bunch that are just emotional and feeling marbles and now all these marbles are all mixed, and you carry it around you all day, you are these marbles and you have to make sure you keep these marbles together or you will lose yourself, if only one goes missing, chaos....
Now imagine as you are walking around with these marbles you bump into people, people bump into you, or certain events/situations occur, these marbles are shaking each and every time in your hands, some might even slip a bit, as if they were almost going to fall out, and you will in a moment react and get it all together somehow quickly, in fear of the unknown.
Then, on some days, these marbles, and carrying these marbles EVERYWHERE with you gets a bit heavy, you feel like just putting them down somewhere and not having to carry them, you know a marbles is heavy, thousands of them are very heavy, and now you can imagine carrying them around within everything you do... what weight that places on you, the efforts, the struggles to not drop them, lose them.
With all this great effort to walk around with these marbles you have invested a LOT of your labour and time in collecting them over years, and now carrying them with you, so the value of these marbles has become very high, they DEFINE you in all ways, they are all very well equipped to support you in your life, your way of living life, it is how you collected your specific marbles over time to be exactly relevant to your life, to build your personality with these marbles.
Sometimes someone will push you, you will drop a marble and you will go fanatic to find it, because to you it now feels like you are losing a piece of you, so you must find it, and this person that pushed you are now to blame, because if they did not do what they did, you would not have dropped this marble and possibly lose it, and you would not have had to go through all the efforts of looking and finding this marble to put it back with all the other marbles, and so you do this so you can feel secure in knowing who you are, who you have defined yourself to be, the weight of the marbles should always be an exact weight you carry around, so you must have them all, you know the weight very well. yet, you didnt have to carry the marbles in the first place, so the person bumping you is simple giving a moment to show you what exist within you, a window to see what is real and what isnt, but we do not see it this way at all yet. (if it is physical abuse taking place, stop that shit, then you take real actions that are best for all)
So, Every night when you go to sleep, you lay down in bed with all these marbles in your hands holding them tight, you think about them, you assess them, as many as possible through thinking and as you start falling asleep your hands start relaxing, your marbles gently roll and fall out of your hands, the weight of the marbles leaves your body, and so for about 6 to 8 hours you can have rest, every night, as the marbles weight isn’t with you anymore. But, each morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is quickly gather all the marbles in fear of if you do not do it fast enough you will not get through the day, not knowing who you are, so you place the weight of the marbles on you as fast as possible, so you can feel secure with this weight on you, within who you are. You get up and go through the day again like every day, with all the marbles accounted for.
Remember, when you were born you had No marbles, but from day one you have been given a hand full of marbles by your parents, a special collection that they have picked for you and that they saw fit for you, this is your basic marbles, from culture to religion and all the way to your name and who they think you are and should be, and they make sure that every day they train you to hold the marbles, they show you and even force you to hold these marbles, you don’t understand, but you trust them unconditionally. By the time you are seven you have taken and made all the marbles yours and who you think and believe you are, you have picked up quite a bit of marbles from all other parts of your life, you can't even remember from where and whom, but you are now an addicted collector in your sector of marbles, and possessed collector, and you will only collect marbles that are in alignment with those first marbles that were given to you and forced onto you, you are now a collector. Good and Bad marbles.
As you get/got older and your collection of tiny marbles has accumulated into thousands, all held in your hands, just fitting between your hands, anything that does not agree with your marble collection cannot fit in there or the marbles will fall out and splatter everywhere, so whenever something or someone comes along that has a totally different marble collection than you and tries to give you some of their marbles, you will either accept or reject, but either way, your marbles are rattling and things do not feel so stable, so you will even fight to stop the other person or even try and prevent them from entering your reality, because you fear losing your marbles, you fear losing it all and not knowing who you are.
The scariest thing for yourself is that you have no clue actually how many marbles you have any more in your hands and what is really in there, you just keep holding onto all of them in the fear of losing one that might be important, or in the fear of, if you try and look through them you can make a mistake and lose them all, so you start avoiding at all costs looking into your marble collection, you even start and try to control your environment and reality to live a certain way that makes sure you only go and DO things that is safe for you to be in to not lose your marbles.
But, this creates a very sensitive reality, a very fragile reality, because within this setup you now believe the whole world is evil and everyone is after you to get your marbles, your special collection, and this creates a paranoid experience within which you live consistently, of losing your marble, which is you fearing losing yourself and who you think you are according to these marbles.
One day, someone comes along, and this someone does something or say something, and as their words and actions represent threir marbles, because everyone is limited to their marbles and what they have, it is like they are trying to force their marbles that does not fit into your collection into your collection, and so with this pushing and shoving you let your grip lose a bit and you drop a couple of marbles, lets imagine you drop a third of all your marbles, and in the fright, the reaction of your marbles being shaken and falling out from this other person, you freak out, you react and you start scattering everywhere to find your marbles in the fear of losing yourself, within this scattering around of finding your marbles you are also trying to now force your marbles onto this other person, to defend yourself, to protect yourself, or even from them stealing the marbles you have now dropped, so at all cost you will go at them, according to what at all cost means in your marble collection and if that marble is even still in there after losing it to use it. This can be in the form of word or actions as the marbles you are using.
After such an event you will find yourself in n interesting position, you will for a moment look at yourself and wonder, who was I just now, losing my marbles really turned me into someone else for a moment, maybe that’s because, within all those hidden marbles of which you have no idea anymore at this point what is in there, something came up that was in there and you just don’t know what it is, but you suppress it as fast as possible, and you have now recollected all your marbles that have fallen, so you are okay, you now know who you are again, you hold on tighter to the marbles and now have added an extra marble, you collected another one that is specific to that event and how to handle it next time, if the unknown marbles does not take over and decide for you again (possession).
So, as we can see, these marbles (characters, personality, feelings, emotions, experiences, thoughts, thinking etc) are not really real, they feel real, you spend a lot of time on them, you designed your whole life around them, you have designed yourself as them, the collection, you have literally decided to hold onto them and make them you for decades, so they must be real, yet when someone pushes you, or gives you a shove, or just do something, you are able to lose grip and lose them, drop them – which means they are not you, as they are able to be lost and you are able to the suddenly become someone else for a moment.
So, what if you decided to one day just relax your hands, hang them down, stop holding onto all these marbles that places so much weight on you as who you believe you must be, how you must be, what you must be, I mean everything, and just breathe and NOT collect marbles, not play in the marble collecting game, who will you be? That is the thing that NO ONE knows, that is the fear, in the end, to remove the conditioning and deciding a clean slate, the unknown.
Losing all your marbles through events is what we call going mad/crazy/insane – someone that suddenly has a breaking point, the weight of their marbles are just too much, drops it immediately in a sudden moment and they go crazy, this is losing your marbles, and this is the instability that exists as a whole for everyone in this world at any time, and this is what death brings, when we die, we cannot take our marbles with us, they stay behind ( our riches stay behind). And as the good old saying goes, as above so below, so we don’t really at all know who we are here except some marbles, so if we die with the marbles in our hands, we won’t know who we are hereafter, so we have an opportunity here, to let go of the marbles in a supportive manner where we can one by one understand the marbles and in its place as we remove it create ourselves, get to really know yourself here without any marbles, and so death does not exist really, or more so the fear of it.
Now, I want you to really consider this. When you go to sleep you let go of all your marbles, that’s how you can sleep, yet where are you when you sleep, when you are not your marbles? Why aren’t you aware of where you are when your body goes to sleep, do you even then exist? Will this not be a great indication of what is in the hereafter if we die, why would it be any different? It is about YOU here, not if the body is dead or alive. You aren’t aware of your body if it is dead or alive when you sleep, it is not in your awareness at all.
So now, taking it back to more practical terms. Have you ever lost your marbles? Has anyone ever made you react and then you become someone else? The first thing you must realize here is that the marbles as who you believe you are, isn’t real at all, even if it feels real, they are just marbles, a collection of stuff that makes up apparently you, that you play with, but not who you are.
So what I do for myself is the following, whenever there is a moment when I feel shaken, when I feel and find that I am within a reaction of anger, love, NAME it all, all emotional states or feeling states, (thoughts/thinking is you accessing the marbles, the spheres of contained information labelled by words for access) so when you CAN"T have a CLEAR mind because you are in an emotional or feeling state, like love or anger, it means you are being shaken and can’t access your collection of marbles to “think” straight. Thus you are possessed. And in these cases I find myself always afterwards looking for all my marbles again, who I am, to feel safe and secure, BUT this is where I stop myself, I see and realize that if I lost marbles here, then they aren’t real, so I rather breathe and let it go completely, and whatever marbles I find myself looking for or did look for in the moment of being shaken, I also breathe and let it go, I realize they are just marbles, not me. I do not have to pay them at all, Stop completely.
This way I start letting go of the weight I carry as who I believe I am, whatever it may be, and in its place, I place breathing and a principle, the principle I live by. If I did find a marble and acted that marble out through throwing it at another or doing something with it towards another that leaves a feeling and emotions of regret/shame or any trace of abuse, I forgive myself and I let that marble go, sometimes there are many of the same marbles and I will go and I will find them and take them out myself, this is through the process of writing myself to freedom and self-forgiveness.
Through this process, I am becoming who I am, by removing and letting go, nothing to add on. What I do is, I place supportive commitment statements that I deliberately place in to live in the marbles place that is always within the principle I live by, which is living what is best for all life.
Every time you see your marbles are being shaken, or falling apart, know that they are just marbles (thoughts, feelings, emotions, rections, experiences, memories etc), not really real, they were made real and kept real, all you have to do is drop the marbles and not participate in anything that comes up in your experience, thoughts/thinking. This leaves you HERE breathing as the directive principle that moves as the physical, real-time within what is best for all life including yourself.
Lose your marbles the right way, dont be LIKE the marbles and lose yourself all over the place, dont carry this weight as the mind as the marbles, be LIFE be the real you. Do it deliberately and with a direction – www.desteni.org
Life is so god damn serious (sour)!! Really? Is it life that is serious? Ok, I will take this back to myself – I am so GOD DAMN SERIOUS!!
Why am I so serious? And when do I get so serious? I mean, it sometimes feels like everything is just serious, like I am walking on sharp stones that is LIFE or DEATH, if I just take one single step wrong on these rocks I will fall into DEEP SHIT, shit that I can’t handle? Shit where others will make things shit/hell for me?
All my ACTIONS and WORDS are connected directly or indirectly to the one thing, the one ring that binds us ALL – MONEY. Every word I utter/speak, every action I take or make leads to consequences with MONEY – may it be positive or negative, that’s the point of the word consequences.
Did I say the right thing? Or the wrong thing? Who LIKES what I said/say and who does not? Did I do or am I doing something someone does not like, or like, I mean fuck, what is this, my survival/life is literally dependant on what others think of me, or is it?
We go deeper. Reason can be YES, if your boss does not like you, or your clients does not like you, FUCK it, you can suffer, get fired or have no customers, regardless of what you have to offer – If the opinions of others are against you, you lost, and you will feel the wrath of opinions through how your very survival is threatened, like a deep spitefulness, a knife used to show you are disliked, so suffer.
Ok, expressing the seriousness as the feeling, the emotion within is what’s coming up, the imagery and the words, sentences, which are sentencing me to my own convictions of me as my own judgments of myself and onto others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BE and ACT so serious in everything I do, as if life or death hangs at the balance of if I am being serious or not in my appearances, in my acting. Am I acting the right way, if this character convincing enough to be on the edge of being right, this sharp edge of a knife that I can so easily slip off from and cut myself in half, who am I?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I have been TOLD and thus to HOLD onto as the MOST important things in life, which is MONEY and people liking you to be the MOST serious of things, and thus within these two points find myself in a prison as people are everywhere and money is all I see in this world, so apparently everything is important except me, so I must take this very serious.
Anything that has to do with MONEY must be so fucking serious, so fucking fragile, it is like handling fucking god, be careful with money, take care of money, protect your money, make sure you have enough money to retire, make sure you have insurance, it is VERY serious issues, because you can die, well you will die. But still be so oh so serious about this, but please be so reckless with how you treat the planet and animals and nature and all else that exist here, that is less serious.
Talk about taking things personally, so many people, so many colours, so many histories, so many different pasts, so many of everything, always be serious, because you might just not be serious one time and DIE.
There is a major difference between being serious and respect, consideration and understanding. Seriousness is the part where everything is personal, say the wrong word, write something wrong, and you are in serious shit, better to always be serious to avoid serious shit, be the serious shit to give the serious shit, just be serious.
Reckless isn’t the opposite of seriousness, reckless is the opposite of consideration, the opposite of seriousness is actually RELAX and breathe, stop your fear and insecurities.
Now – serious exists, the ENERGY that we take on within serious is the problem, the serious energy that consumes us with the emotion of burden, the emotion of life or death is on the line here in every single things we do, big or small, that our very essence is on the line.
This is revealing a “problem” – wait, I am getting serious again, I just cannot stop myself, I MUST be serious, because then everyone else will take me serious, and then I will have value, wait I am anyway getting to my point of what the problem is through exposing my serious approach on what the problem is haha.
Your hair is falling out - Serious
Your teeth are bad – Serious
You don’t look so healthy – serious
Your relationship – serious
Your job/business – serious
Solving global issues – serious
ANYTHING to do with MONEY – serious
Serious – sourness
How can we solve or do ANYTHING in this world when we take on the essence/spirit of SOUR to solve things, to take things head on, with the sourness attitude and approach.
To take things serious isn’t to take on a “character” that is possessed by a certain mind set/personality that now behaves and acts a certain way to be serious and to apparently be “genuine” – that is an illusion, which is a problem attempting to solve a problem.
Take a look – ANY problem that is attempted to be taken on to a solution where a serious character is involved, shit goes sour, the sourness route, it starts to have like an acid attack on it, trying to dissolve the problem by attacking it with an acid, sourness. By taking the sweetness out of everything and anything to apparently solve a problem, dissolving the sweetness – because ones VIEW point within the serious character sis that of DEATH of LIFE, a polarity design, this or that and so REAL solutions cannot be seen or approached, the seriousness will stop anything that is “different” and not serious, not one way or the other.
In your relationship, take a look, any point that is taken on to solve a problem or to resolve conflicts of interest, to come to an agreement turns SOUR when the approach is SERIOUS – it is a fuckup.
How can we ever get really serious when we are only serious to be serious about seriousness as a way to show or hold up something about ourselves on a personal level – may it be of self-value or of self-interest intents (fears or insecurities hidden).
We are like little serious soldiers that seriously uphold an Image of who we believe we must be in certain to even all events/situations that we have accepted and allowed to be a imprint onto us from our parents/those that has gone before us. Imagine yourself being a little soldier, with your one hand by your head saluting to your two parents standing in front of you. I mean, parents do suck the fun out of anything, NO, NO, NO, don’t, do not do that, That cost money, stop it, NO you can’t, NO, I said NO and I said so, I am your parent that is why, you don’t do that, stop doing that, you are my little hero, you are my princess, you are my prince, you are adorable, you are this and that and so on, you are just everything EXCPET you, a sour childhood indeed for most. So you better be serious about living what your parents told you and programmed into you, because that shit defines you, that’s serious shit, you do not DARE breaking that shit, you do not dare failing at those programs drilled into you, you little soldier. It is NOTHING personal to parents, YOU/I accepted and allowed it, WE must change ourselves, so don’t take anything out on your parents. Although you changing you for you can seem a bit different, some friction.
We are programmed to FEAR everything, we are programmed to walk around in this serious manner about ourselves, like everything is at risk all the time, that we must and can never DARE ourselves to express, it isn’t trustworthy, because there is NO fear in expressing ourselves, so it is dangerous, we cannot cross the lines of control and be creative because that unknown, so the serious instructions in everything, from relationships to money HAS to be followed to the T.
How do we move from programmed fear driven SERIOUSNESS to actual SERIOUSNESS as life.
SERIOUS can be SEE I ROSE – how do I RISE, and see it for ME/myself – I remove myself from the eyes that I place onto myself as to what I should and should not be doing, and so I rise above the programs and step into my self-expression and creativity to be HERE fearless. I rise from fear and I SEE I am HERE.
A Simple example – if YOU ever face a situation where you will go into the typical thought of “I must fear this situation” stop the fear and see HOW can you actually direct the situation OUTSIDE of the guidelines of fear OR insecurities, yet have the BEST outcome for ALL involved.
I suggest you look at the following typical situations most people face within this world that is defined as serious, I want you to REMOVE the word serious from the situation, and remove within you the FEAR of what such a situation possible can mean, or are currently meaning for you and others.
Having a ton of Debt – serious right?
Business is failing – serious right?
Relationship issues – serious right?
Not finding a job – serious right?
Now, I am not saying they are NOT serious, I want you to see how the serious MIND SET is like having a square box in front of your face with only a small hole cut in it to see through. Removing that box/seriousness opens up a whole new view/world and removes the FEARS of possibilities and instead opens up possibilities for creative and expression of self, outside of what we were programmed to see and how it should be and will be and can be.
Do this for yourself, and see who you are without fear/insecurities and move and direct yourself with solutions within creativity and expression that is best for all as an outcome. This also means removing a lot of emotions/feelings that has been developed around this “serious view” in approaching life and situations, like depression, anxiety, stress and so forth, breathe and drop them, drop that shit, it is limiting the view and creative self. but still, don't get delusional.
Now as a side note – do not create any expectations, because that’s acting on the energy of “hope” and thus positive enforcement, instead of real practical steps – these real practical steps can surprise you if one dares to break the bondage of self to fear.
To just one last time make it clear - serious things are things that requires direction - it is the who we are within the seriousness that determines EVERYTHING - and this who we are within it, that will be HOW we are driving it, and because we all have this weird way of being serious, we tend to drive things to a negative most of the times, to a point of fear, instead of solutions and direction (direct actions)
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