Dark Mind - I do more than you, So fuck off.. Part 1



Clarification before reading.. This is a point I am actively still walking. I knew once I hit a spot in the blog, I had to keep going. So it is a long one and exposes some dark mind points, and consider this isn't ALL the time, it is in moments..yet in the background sub-consciously it is lurking always.
Support - Future of consciousness - The dark mind - https://eqafe.com/p/the-dark-mind-the-future-of-consciousness-part-80

I have this point within me, It gets me every single time in any negative moment where there is a very specific type of interaction with a person, especially with the people I share an environment with. I have struggled to clearly identify the cause of this problem, but I know I know the problem, it simply requires me to write it out.

I know for a fact that I judge people, I judge people through the disguise of "analyzing" them and placing them a certain way in my mind, a way to feel secure and safe, as if I know that person based on the data I have accumulated from them simply through observation, and what I observe I filter through MY mind and how I see things, not how they truly are.

So what is my filter through which I analyze people? and place people in my world, I want to feel that I am in control of my world and so the people, I want to feel that I know the people in my world, Even when that knowing is completely fabricated in my mind based on my observations that are deemed as viable through my filers of judgements and perspective of reality (which is my brainwashing) This also means that I want to be seen as a certain person in my world, which is to always be LIKED, to have a NICE relationship with people, a good one that does not cause any conflict.

BUT, I know that in my judgments as "analyzing" others I tent to only do the negative aspects of analyzing a person, as this is how I know what NOT to do or say and so avoid those points completely. I want the good and nice things, so no point in analyzing that as that can come anytime and I welcome it, so really all I have to do is control myself and act in a way where I always avoid the negatives and thus all that will remain is the positives right??? No, completely wrong.

Sure living this way creates a lot of neutral interactions and calm looking living environments, but underneath it inside I carry this massive database of NEGATIVE judgements of all the people around me, which in essence is me actually saying I am surrounded by enemies to myself, everyone is out to get me, to hurt me, to take me down, and all it will take is one wrong move to trigger anyone and everyone.

So what happens when I do make a wrong move, or when something does come up, like a confrontation from another person? well, a ton of bricks come down on me and everyone else, that is what happens.ALL the back chat, all the mannerisms and behaviors and actions I have ever judged and observed from another person as negative and held within me as their wrong doing comes up.

Here is the trick, while I am in the position of having a confrontation or something being pointed out to me as being wrong, and then all the points of the other person of people comes up within me as a way of now defending myself and attacking them to deflect the points brought to me, I go into an absolute reaction, my heart PUMPS with adrenaline, as i have so much ammunition to throw at them, I have no idea where to start, what to say or how to say it, and so within this I lose all perspective, even on my own points and what is being shown to me.

My heart pumps so heavy I can see my shirt bouncing on my chest and my eyes even start vibrating, I have no control and the only thing I can do is breathe, as every word I want to say simply makes it worse, like i might have a heart attack. Because I put so much value into defending myself, into not being wrong as the identity I have given myself that even the slightest thing that can point to me as being wrong, breaks that entire identity, and thus my world and control.

I still find it hard to really put it into words, as I must still fully understand this point within me. Thus moving on to self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear someone/people talking about me, or wanting to talk to me in a confronting manner, to go into an immediate state of self-defense, where I in that moment make all my thoughts and thinking about all the wrong's the other person/people have done to prepare myself for a defensive attack on them as to not have to deal with what could possibly be said to me or brought up for/about me to look at, deal with, to be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of WAR when and as I feel like someone might confront me, or if they are confronting me in the fear of being wrong, of being shown how wrong I am, or useless I am, or incompetent I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give myself the value of nothing/zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am wrong, I am always wrong, and always in the wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a wrong being, that me being here is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a wrong person, someone that will always be wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the fear of being wrong, in the wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that MY perspective on any feedback or issues about me is wrong, how I do things, see things, and so react within the fear of no one will understand me and pre-amtivetly already lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen and judged as being incompetent, or being blind sided by something I did not consider and thus judged for as being incompetent.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself as being incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being incompetent.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate state of assumption that if someone wants to talk to me about something that they are confronting me to show me how bad I am, or what I did wrong, or to get me to feel bad, to look bad, to bring me down, and so pre-maturely already go into full on attack mode and raise my heart and temperature up so high I cant even speak or do anything properly even after hearing it is something else than what I assumed and attack anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are out to make me feel bad, and so always feel like I must not allow them the opportunity and in return make the other person feel bad first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others feel bad and shitty before they can even put their points forth and have a normal conversation about a point that might be about an issues regarding me or where  I am involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do onto others FIRST what I do not want to be done onto me in the fear of them doing it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling bad, looking bad or being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge feeling bad, or being wrong as being bad and wrong and so go in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brought down, to be taken down, to lose in a conversation or argument where I am the loser and so must change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be shown and for it to be revealed to me that I must change, especially when I know it and have been hiding from the fact.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place an illusion of myself in my mind where in my mind I am "doing everything I can, and everyone else isn't" and so always within my mind I am standing in a state of comparison to see if everyone is doing as much as I am, and always in my mind I am doing the most, and so when I am being confronted with not doing enough here or there, not doing my best, I take it super personal as I feel inferior people doing not as much as I am is pointing things out to me while they should be the ones doing more and stop looking at what I am doing. <--- this one hit a nail on the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and see others as inferior to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a consistent EGO trip in my mind where I am apparently more and everyone else is less, and so must learn from me, and if I am ever given a lesson by someone else I react and immediately seek to destroy that person by pointing out their wrongs, bad things, and bring them down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DESIRE to destroy others emotionally by pointing out their lack, weaknesses, and make them feel bad and wrong just so that I can feel better about myself (here it is a desire, I do not act on it, stop it/suppress it, to clarify) as back chat in sudden moments will come up where I see opportunity in my direct reality to make a point, where the point I usually want to make is to hurt the other person, as a way of getting back at them from previous times, with pictures and emotions of anger and reactions running within me, I stop this and usually suppress it, breathe and move on, yet it accumulates into me not connecting or actually getting to know others (distance). 


I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how much I am still living as the ego within my mind as my thoughts, back chat and the emotions and feelings that go with it, where I am always within myself standing above others, feeling I am more, better and have a certain RIGHT, and so always walking around in a state of being a tyrant, a sensitive land mind ready to explode if anyone dares step on me, yet believe that I am good, I am a person that is good and humble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the VISION and Projection of me to be a false LIE within my head where I place myself in a state of being burdened with all the work I do, all the EXTRA apparent work I do, and that I am doing soooo much more than everyone else, that this lie has become a state of privilege within me to only boost my EGO and so create a soup scenario where I apparently have advantage over others by just throwing my burdened life onto them when ever they want to talk to me about something to get our of jail free card.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how nasty it is to have the thoughts in my mind of comparison towards others of where I am always in a consistent state of seeing others through my mind in my imaginary world not doing enough, not doing as much I am (as a believe of myself) and within doing so make them less than me in my mind, and so when I am confronted by others about the things I do or do not do, I react very badly as I feel weaklings have the balls to tell me where I am not doing good enough, or enough or my best while I hole the illusion within my mind that they still struggle with primitive points or barely find it in themselves to push themselves, when I do it all the time according to my own self-belief, and now still being confronted??

Thus I see and realize that I react in this manner because I believe that no matter how much I do I will never be enough, or be appreciated, when others confront me, and so I go into even deeper and darker back chat of spite, where I ask myself, why am I even doing this, I do not have to do what I am doing, I can just fuck off and I will be fine, but will they? as a way of kind of now going into a mindset of wanting to punish and show others that I am fine, it is themselves they must look at.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things, anything from the starting point of wanting something back, in return, where I feel I do this and I get that back, and so all I do is always like planting landmines all over, as they are with condition and not unconditional, and if the wrong buttons are pushed within me I will explode and the nature of myself and the things I do, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do things for the reason of self interest in the mannerism of gaining some form of control over others by making myself important in what I do and thus relevant from a starting point of fear and keeping others hostage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to even writing the statements above, as I see just writing that statement has brought up an enraging anger within me towards myself from moments in the past, where I felt like destroying others for their perceived weaknesses, while they are in the process according to my assumption of exposing my weakness, and thus wanting to attempt to emotionally manipulate and break down others before they can even try to break me down, because I am so fragile as the ego. (note, lower back pain emerged here from anger within me, and slight irritation).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind fuck and separation to exist within me of thinking and holding onto the perception of others being weaker than me and so inferior, and so within this kind of always see everyone else as useless and not worthy of being around with, of not deserving of my time and space, as I am already far more advanced and they will and are only holding me back. Not seeing and realizing that this is in fact a weakness of me and has nothing to do with others as I use this outlook onto others to justify my position and location and why I am where and how I am, and thus not seeing and realizing that I am creating a disaster for myself where everyone else will see no use for me as I am standing and living outside of the group up in a cloud not contributing, but waiting to contribute somewhere in the future with someone else that I see and feel are equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it to be hard to change this point within me, where I see myself naturally as better, not weak, more than others, as I have lived with this for so long, for so many many years, I do not know how else to see myself, see the world, be humble, caring, gentle and compassionate and to own my shit real time and to not make it personal but rather an event that support and assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this world as CRUEL and EVIL and so within that judgement became cruel and evil as the ego in the idea and perception that this is how I will survive and make it, to become the thing I feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the things I always feared and disliked and did not enjoy within this world, the cruelty, the coldness, the disconnect, competition, comparison and all the deception, instead of seeing it, realizing is is here but I can and must stand as an example. 


I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how deep the ego as the rabbit hole still goes and how far I must go within me to truly see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as nasty thoughts, evil intentions and back chat that flashes like a horror movie in my mind and speaks in tongues to me in the most unusual moments and events, memories and projections coming as if I am in an action thriller movie while speaking normally to someone, or see their actions and behaviors that has become my triggers for evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what is here as me and to within that reaction place a judgement as good or bad, and in this particular moment as bad, and so judge myself as bad, not seeing and realizing that this is all programs and energy being exposed and not who I am as life, and by forgiving myself and to see what I have accepted and allowed so I can and will change.

To be continued.

My HIGHER purpose is ME re-birthed as LIFE, re-aligning myself



This blog might come forth as me being hard  on myself, as I know I place a certain expectation onto myself, but I do this to shoot for the starts and reach the moon kind of thing, it helps for me to really SEE what is here, I do consider my practical living points currently even when in my writing it might look to the reader that I am just sitting and doing nothing, yet it is the exact opposite, all my time is full, so the point I am making is, in that I must stop the COPING character and take on the ACTIVE living of process stance as ME.

(I am writing this blog during a 12 hour work shift with the new job I got, after just having 3 hours of sleep and finishing an 8 hour shift before that, while Leila is sick and in bed with me taking care of Cesar) proofing to myself that when I am an active participant in my process there is time, there is space, I am here, and interestingly enough this actually supports a lot during my work shift, some simple good old writing. luckily it is online and gives the opportunity, 5 min here and there to write. So no more excuses for me in my position and location in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a version of me that is coping, and so within this coping version of me feel I do not have to work more on myself as I am coping, as coping to the mind is just enough to remain in a state of survival and thus as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to COPE within and as the mind, and so not push myself further to stop me as the mind participation through implementing BREATH  and self-forgiveness daily to truly transcend ME to rebirth myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of LIFE through accepting and allowing a complacent within me of coping and seeing that as enough, and so waste my time and life simply coping, making it in the system, yet not within me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to narrow down my process to that of coping, as if that is the reason I am here, to simply cope and make it through each day, not seeing and realizing that within such a stance within myself and within life I have given up, failed in essence, and so lost the essence of this process as me, as why I am walking this process for me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aspire for and towards small trivial gratifications in and of self interest on a daily basis to suppress my personal process and walking my personal process actively, taking on each and every point, and not just the seemingly important once, where I would on a daily basis aim for simple Matrix achievements of "I made it through the day", I have apparently done what was important (which according to the system is ONLY surviving) and then have to do nothing more but be a slave that is satisfied with his survival for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disturbing MYSELF through actually passionately walk my higher purpose this life of re-birthing myself as life, to stand one and equal as a true Destonian , facing my SHIT, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses and to forgive myself, to change to stand as what is best for all life, to own everything and take responsibility for all that is here as me within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SHAVE my head and to keep my head shaved as a DESTONIAN as a living stance of the principals I stand by and as, YET miss the personal process I as a Destonian also committed to walk, which isn't pretty and nice, but self-honest openly, and to share this process, my process and to walk it where many others will resist and so stand as an example this one life that I have as me walking my personal process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FORGET the starting point of me being here, the point of why I am doing this without choice, and so have fallen into CHOICE as an illusion within simply coping and throwing away my time and moments of opportunity to stand and to face myself, to change myself, to stop myself as my mind and to rebirth myself as life, as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LOSE sight of my process within the difficult times I have and am facing of real time physical change, through going into the character of coping, instead of standing breathing and seeing my process as an active living in each breathe where each and everything is a reflection of me and so an opportunity to face myself and take my process on actively, instead of my process simply running in the back ground and going the long hard route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with everything instead of dealing with everything, and so within not dealing with everything that comes up within me as my reactions, my feelings, me experiences, I suppress and build up an entity of energy that posses me within my body, my actions, my thinking and eventually directs my life for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to KNOW what I am doing through NOT writing self-forgiveness daily, through blogging as much as I can or making vlogs where I can and actively walking my process and NOT doing anything about what I know but WAIT for better days where I do not have to cope with changes and time, not seeing and realizing that through walking my process actively I solve the problem of where I feel I am stuck in and coping within, as I know this, I have done this, I have lived this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and keep myself in a consistent state of coping where I become very reactive to small things, petty things that occur in my small reality of coping as a way of finding entertainment and purpose, as I have within coping lost sight of my "higher" purpose that is me as my process, where my focus is inwards, into me I see and so walk from within outwards as a rebirth process in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I am reactive and taking things very personal in small things, as I have started to narrow my view of life within my coping bubble and so made everything personal, as I have insulated myself into a personal bubble where I believe everything is about me, losing sight of life and who I am here as life and so everything is a reflection of me to me and not something I must feel separate from and react to, take personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Lose my voice through not expressing myself and stepping out of my coping character that tells me "do not do what is here only keep things as they are" and so start to isolate myself and cut myself off, creating fear and anxiety within myself instead of confidence and self-trust as me here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have refrained from sharing myself within the coping character in fear of getting to much feedback or requests to talk and that I will not be able to cope then, instead of trusting me here breath by breath to move and direct without procrastination and burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from doing anything more within and as my process in the assumptive projection of expectation within my mind that I will overload myself by walking my own process and writing and sharing and making vlogs - and so have created a perfect MIND wall to not walk the very thing that supports me as to keep the mind in tact and in control ever so diminishing me.

My commitment is lived in the existence of this very blog for today = )




Feeling Trapped - Day 660




When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Fear of being BEATEN, and the Truth of truth - Day 659



Story: I am 6 years old, there is a party of some sorts at my home. Lots of people have shown up. Everyone is walking around or sitting and talking. There were no kids of my age, just me among the bigger people.

Between all the partying, I found myself looking for a place I can hang out, so I naturally went to my mother. She was busy talking to other ladies, so I was told to not interrupt. I decided to stand there and rather listen, to some degree that was entertaining, to hear what people talk about and say.

As I was standing on the grass listening to my mother speaking, I noticed they were speaking about other people, my mother said something about something, I could not remember, At that moment something came over me in relation to what my mother said, I knew she was LYING, and it slipped out of my mouth, I interrupted my mothers conversation and I said directly to her, you are lying!!

My mother, very quickly corrected me, through threatening me in her words and her presence, telling me, YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, she looked like she was going to assault me, I had a massive rush of fear coming over me - the next thing my mother said, GO to your room before I slap you. I turned away and I did not know what to make of what just happened.

I was told to not speak the truth or I will be beaten and threatened and possibly die. I walked away to my room crying by myself. I part me felt broken at that point, a new fear arose within me, a fear of control.

I remember from that point on, I never said the "truth" again, I always stayed quiet where I could, not saying what I knew or saw, but rather see how I could make a story up, or simply avoid anything that placed me in a position where I knew "better" and had to deal with myself and my fears to not speak what I knew. As a Kid at that age, I did not have any alternative motives to not speak the truth, so now an alternative motive became my very own fear of talking the truth, and now, how to NOT speak the truth (truth is to not deny what is here) but rather say nothing or make up an excuse, or to paint a different picture instead.

Present moment:

So now, many many years later, I have found myself "lost" within how do I speak what I see, in the fear of the person or people involved might react, revolt, or even go further and BEAT me, now when I say the word beat here, I am referring to either physically or with words/knowledge - as both can harm, the sword or the tongue. I get overwhelmed with this fear, especially when I know what I see, and so instead of speaking, I become my mother - I react just as she did at that moment when I was 6, I become possessed, I have no way of directing the fear, and so I rather go into anger and let my shit out that way, as I suppressed truth over time, I created a demon that will never allow me to speak truth, as it possesses me before I could ever say what I truly wanted to say and end up saying all the backchat and thoughts that accumulated in fear.

Through the Desteni Message and principles, with all the tools available, I have now come to see even more, as I have learned about self-honesty, I have come to also see the difference between what is TRUTH as in honesty as deception, and what is Truth as in self-honesty and self -assessment.

Truth can be the truth, if someone is lying and I call it out, then I am speaking the truth, yet am I speaking out from the starting point of what is best for all? or for a self-interested point? as I reflected on that moment/memory, when I was 6 years old, I saw that I said out loud to my mother that she is lying, because I myself wanted to get back at my mother for not allowing me to participate in the conversation, so I used the truth to give myself a winning moment, this was very subtle, but damn was this truth of myself hiding deep down and years of hate and resentment took place, and only through walking my process in self-forgiveness and investigating my past, was I able to see how I have used this memory for years to hold something against my mother, and ignoring the truth of who I was within doing what I did, thus blaming and not seeing the equal and one participation of both sides that took place.

I used I was just a child, I was a child was pure and innocent, so I was right, I was broken by your words mother, for years this ran in my head because I used it to NOT have to take responsibility and to get away with my own shit within myself.

I share this story and moment to once again give the point forward of how important it is to walk your process and to stop the games playing our lives, and so LOOk at the truth of who I am, who you are in fact, really slow down and see into your memories for real, see the points, and realize the truth of who I am must be life, not some game of minds.

This walking of this point for myself, brought forgiveness to me and for me to my mother, as it gave understanding (disclosure). I also realized how easily I am my mother, and she me.

Breaking Inner and OuterBoundaries - Day 658



The word for the day for me is BOUNDARIES

My horror scope is Aries and in the word boundARIES there is this Aries, typically a symbol of a RAM, and its ruling planet is MARS, it is the element of FIRE.

BOUNd is a leaping movement towards or over something.

Now boundaries is lines marking the limits of an area, a dividing line.

So, here we have this word with two words in it, the two words within it is that of BREAKING the word they together form/make. A RAM will break boundaries and ram into it, push it, get itself on the other side, and it will do so with the movement of bound, leaping towards it or over it.
What I am doing here with this word is - I am looking at what it is opening up for me at the moment while exploring it real time here. like reading Osho cards.

What comes up within me, I see that I have the COURAGE to when I see boundaries within me that I have created towards other people, how to interact with them, and when and howto BOUND over that line, take that step to go talk to them, interact, open up what I define as "intimate" moments, YET I disregard the courage, I rather take the RAM inside of me that can easily BOUND to something new and maintain the boundaries.

I do this, as I see within me that I have a "missing piece" so to say. I do not KNOW how to be, who to be, what to say when real things open up, emotional things, I fear the worst will and can happen such as someone breaking down, and I am then to blame for breaking the boundaries and so opening the flood gates, and this leads to me instead remaining lame, not moving.

I then have this Energy (Inner G) that builds up of accumulated rage, as the couRAGE to break boundaries is denied, that then needs direction, and this is where I then become the RAm breaking the wrong boundaries so to say, boundaries that are unnecessary to break and that leads to consequences.

This is where the RAM as a MAR(S) planet comes out (mars resembles WAR) and I declare war onto myself, as I am now fighting with myself, to break the boundaries that matter that requires actual courage, versus the easy boundaries that I break out of rage that only causes self-harm and more diminishment of myself.

The reason being, I know that the boundaries I need to break with people will actually matter, not just for the sake of moving forward, but to actually support and assist each other as equals, and not just on face value. This is what matters, realness within self-honesty.

So now, I must whenever I see a point within me, where there is a window, a moment to BOUND myself forward as the RAM of Aries to LEAP over the resistance and to go into the "unknown to learn intimacy, softness, to get rid of the programmed war machine within myself, and so others.

Thus I must break the word boundaries first as in it isn't real, to then unleash the potential words to live as BOUND and the ANIMAL ram, to ram forward into actual growth and potential.

When I think about what others think about me Day 657



When we THINK about what OTHERS are thinking about US, we must realize the obvious within such a moment, we are in fact thinking it about ourselves what we think others think about us, as it is happening in our heads.

For a long time in my life, and even still today, I had the thought and a consistent perception within ME that others see me, and think of me, not so clever, bright/smart.

I used to apply self-forgiveness in a way that validated MY thinking, where I would say I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by what others think of me" - this is in fact BLAME and revealed how little I understood.

How in the first place do I know what others are thinking of me in their minds? I am not a mind reader, I can not see thoughts, and how important do I think I am that if I could see peoples thoughts, that their thoughts would be about me all the time?

Secondly, When I look at it for real, I am the one thinking about myself all the time, thinking and thinking, about myself, and I am the one thinking about how stupid/dumb I am, as I am the one constantly in my mind comparing myself to others, making myself MORE than others as to hide the comparison that I see myself as LESS than.

Thus, my self-forgiveness (when I catch myself in such thoughts of what others are thinking about me) should be - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am dumb/stupid - this way taking it back to myself, and as you can see, a LOT more opens up for me to work through and actually move forward within my process as myself.

I write this #backtoself as a reminder for myself and others that when we have thoughts about others when we think what others are thinking about us, we must realize the obvious, it is happening within us, and it is US and we must take responsibility accordingly.

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