Misunderstood Living - Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with myself in such a way that I misunderstand myself, without taking a moment to breathe and be clear within myself and the communication I have with myself to be clear and direct as an expression of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I communicate with myself to fall for the emotions/feelings and thoughts that come up within me and to follow them, instead of sticking to what is truly within me as my self-expression and clarifying that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out by following the thoughts/feelings and emotions that come up within me, to take them and communicate them, instead of taking a moment to stop the thoughts/feelings and emotions and to see what they are trying to hide form me, my true expression and to find words to place with my expression and live that, seeing and realizing that the mind as me fear expressing myself truly as it is unknown, different and much deeper on a substance level. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be ready in any given moment to respond and communicate as a way of defending myself, my ego, to show that I do know, I know myself, I can speak instantly and at will, I do not need to look at anything before speaking, and so implying in the moment that I am already right, not taking the time to see all the dimensions, to see who I am within all the dimensions that are here and to place me within consideration of all dimensions that is here as my expression and see what I will say and do as the path forward that is best for all as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience fear/anxiety/nervousness to go into instant speaking as a way of hiding the fear/anxiety/nervousness, instead of slowing down, taking a breath, forgive myself and look inside to myself (not the thoughts/feelings/emotions) as my expression and who I am and thus what I want to express truly as me as all dimensions considered in the moment, to bring out my true utmost potential as life as expression one and equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing in a conversation, to fear taking too much time, to fear missing the window for me to speak, and so go into speaking without checking, without placing the words correctly first as who I am, so that my words reflect me one and equal inside and out, and so to stop cycles of regret. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how I have throughout my life only ever spoken from thoughts/feelings and emotions and never truly considered where they come from, why they show up and how they work, yet I spoke them and acted on them, and so in return created a reality for myself of always feeling and being misunderstood. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for misunderstanding me, for not hearing me, for not seeing me, never considering that I have a world of my own within me, based on how I was raised and brought up within the education system, and this world within me is limited to the vocabulary I was taught/given and so the same for every other being on this planet, and thus when I communicate from my thoughts/feelings and emotions I am in a position assuming that everyone else have those thoughts/feelings and emotions the same within them as me, and thus that they must simply understand me and I do not have to be specific or take the time to specify myself, and so create more conflict and distance and feeling like I am all alone within my world when I communicate with others. Seeing and realizing that it is my responsibility to be clear on my inner world, to know myself truly and to place the words with me as my expression to express myself one and equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to lazy to specify myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that laziness is self-judgement, and so exposing myself within the point of change, that I simply judge myself as not being able to change, or that it isn’t possible, so I go into laziness to sit in self-judgement and do nothing about what I clearly know needs to change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression within me must simply come from me naturally and that everyone and everything must simply get me, accept me as I am, knowing that what I am expression without specifying it, clarifying it for myself in thought word and deed, that I am not even accepting myself and getting to know myself for real, or creating myself for real for when I find something is needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to change before I can change, seeing and realizing that I will wait forever, and thus such though is but a point of postponement and justification for not taking the time to change myself for myself first and foremost. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I feel misunderstood, and when I am misunderstood and I become emotional about it, that I am revealing only to myself that I do not actually yet understand me, and so I can not go into blaming others for not understanding me, as I myself need to first understand myself to be able to fully express myself in clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that emotional responses/communication is an indication of lacking self-clarification within myself, and not about what I am reacting to about others/things within this world. Thus I see and realize that when I have a reaction, emotional or feeling where an energy takes over my thoughts and thinking and I want to respond with that to another or about things, That the emotion/feeling is a contamination that took the place of self-clarification, and so I must remove the contamination through clarifying myself with words, as to align my thought and words with my deeds as a living expression of me, and not a reactive responsive expression with no actual standing/foundation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make everyone and everything else a problem, how people react to me, what they say to me as them being at fault to the things I say from thoughts/feelings/emotions, not seeing and realizing that the responses are in fact proper responses, as a thought/feeling/emotion will only bring more of the same, and thus no clarity, simply energy bouncing around creating friction in a fiction of minds communicating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character/personality of myself that I define myself as, as who I am, from the thoughts/feeling and emotions I have, as a way to justify why I am not specified, why I do not actually know myself, why I have not taken the time to take what is within me and clarify me within all that is within me and outside of me as to know myself as an actual being and not just a personality disorder of thoughts/feelings and emotions that react to life and living, but rather be the directive principle and living example of what it means to be ones utmost potential and so create a world that is best for all as self where all personality disorders end and each being lives in clarity of who they are and where nothing can manipulate, deceive and justify anything, especially ourselves, thus creating a world that is best for all as who I am, who we are, being the living word. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that what ever my GOOD intentions may be, if I am not clear within me, self-specified within my words/worlds that my intentions will never manifest one and equal, as my living and words will always come out much different then the intentions I have/had as I myself do not even know how and what to live to manifest my own intentions, as I exist as randomness within me, randomness will manifest outside of me, and no intention can find its way within such an environment to manifest as the intention, and so I see and realize that as long as I do not specify myself, place words to my expression and living in details, clarifying myself in each breath and moment, that I am always within the intention to deceive/manipulate and justify myself and nothing else. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I must change myself, specify my self-expression within what is best for all, all ways, as this is the only way to actually specify, as all life, and not within self-interest, as that is only self-fish from the point of not expanding self to all life as who I am, and so the only specification that can exist is that which is always within what is best for all life and so me as my best version of myself in living and communication with myself and others where my words are always within consideration of all dimensions that exist here. 

More to come….

Day 642 - Haha, I lost my Marbles - The Marble Example

When someone says “they have lost their marbles” it is an indication of they had something collected and then that collectedness is now not there anymore, it is scattered, everywhere. This is usually when someone goes a bit mad, or have an anger fit – I would just say it is when I react, I lose my marbles.

The GOOD thing about losing my marbles in a moment of reaction is, I choose what I want to pick up again after losing them all, and scattering them all over the place, it is a deliberate action from me that is required to now pick up these marbles, so I have now scattered this collection of spheres, spheres of information/characters/personality name it all, each sphere has something within it that I have defined myself as. This is what I am saying the marbles represent and how it is possible to lose it or scatter it because it isn’t real – it isn’t real within the fact that when I get angry or react I can lose them. So, why pick them back up at all?

I had a moment today of reacting, a very deep reaction. A deep reaction is different from an obvious reaction, an obvious reaction is when someone calls me a name and I react to that as an example, a deep reaction is when I react and I just cannot put my finger on it, what am I reacting to within myself, what is it that I am not getting, or seeing within the “external point that is bringing up my inherent point within me through the reaction, so a deep reaction is one that I can’t see in the moment of reaction, the actual reason.

Practical imagination for support

Imagine you are holding ten thousand tiny marbles in your hands, your hands are cupped together and held in front of your chest, you walk around with these marbles every day, these marbles DEFINE you, each and every marble has a word on it, and each word is a definition of who you have defined yourself as, one marble will say Loving, the other will say introvert, then angry, depressed, drunk, addict, dancer, family, mom, dad, I mean the words go on and on, BUT within all these marbles you have a whole bunch that are just emotional and feeling marbles and now all these marbles are all mixed, and you carry it around you all day, you are these marbles and you have to make sure you keep these marbles together or you will lose yourself, if only one goes missing, chaos....

Now imagine as you are walking around with these marbles you bump into people, people bump into you, or certain events/situations occur, these marbles are shaking each and every time in your hands, some might even slip a bit, as if they were almost going to fall out, and you will in a moment react and get it all together somehow quickly, in fear of the unknown.

Then, on some days, these marbles, and carrying these marbles EVERYWHERE with you gets a bit heavy, you feel like just putting them down somewhere and not having to carry them, you know a marbles is heavy, thousands of them are very heavy, and now you can imagine carrying them around within everything you do... what weight that places on you, the efforts, the struggles to not drop them, lose them.

With all this great effort to walk around with these marbles you have invested a LOT of your labour and time in collecting them over years, and now carrying them with you, so the value of these marbles has become very high, they DEFINE you in all ways, they are all very well equipped to support you in your life, your way of living life, it is how you collected your specific marbles over time to be exactly relevant to your life, to build your personality with these marbles.

Sometimes someone will push you, you will drop a marble and you will go fanatic to find it, because to you it now feels like you are losing a piece of you, so you must find it, and this person that pushed you are now to blame, because if they did not do what they did, you would not have dropped this marble and possibly lose it, and you would not have had to go through all the efforts of looking and finding this marble to put it back with all the other marbles, and so you do this so you can feel secure in knowing who you are, who you have defined yourself to be, the weight of the marbles should always be an exact weight you carry around, so you must have them all, you know the weight very well. yet, you didnt have to carry the marbles in the first place, so the person bumping you is simple giving a moment to show you what exist within you, a window to see what is real and what isnt, but we do not see it this way at all yet. (if it is physical abuse taking place, stop that shit, then you take real actions that are best for all)

So, Every night when you go to sleep, you lay down in bed with all these marbles in your hands holding them tight, you think about them, you assess them, as many as possible through thinking and as you start falling asleep your hands start relaxing, your marbles gently roll and fall out of your hands, the weight of the marbles leaves your body, and so for about 6 to 8 hours you can have rest, every night, as the marbles weight isn’t with you anymore. But, each morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is quickly gather all the marbles in fear of if you do not do it fast enough you will not get through the day, not knowing who you are, so you place the weight of the marbles on you as fast as possible, so you can feel secure with this weight on you, within who you are. You get up and go through the day again like every day, with all the marbles accounted for.

Remember, when you were born you had No marbles, but from day one you have been given a hand full of marbles by your parents, a special collection that they have picked for you and that they saw fit for you, this is your basic marbles, from culture to religion and all the way to your name and who they think you are and should be, and they make sure that every day they train you to hold the marbles, they show you and even force you to hold these marbles, you don’t understand, but you trust them unconditionally. By the time you are seven you have taken and made all the marbles yours and who you think and believe you are, you have picked up quite a bit of marbles from all other parts of your life, you can't even remember from where and whom, but you are now an addicted collector in your sector of marbles, and possessed collector, and you will only collect marbles that are in alignment with those first marbles that were given to you and forced onto you, you are now a collector. Good and Bad marbles.

As you get/got older and your collection of tiny marbles has accumulated into thousands, all held in your hands, just fitting between your hands, anything that does not agree with your marble collection cannot fit in there or the marbles will fall out and splatter everywhere, so whenever something or someone comes along that has a totally different marble collection than you and tries to give you some of their marbles, you will either accept or reject, but either way, your marbles are rattling and things do not feel so stable, so you will even fight to stop the other person or even try and prevent them from entering your reality, because you fear losing your marbles, you fear losing it all and not knowing who you are.

The scariest thing for yourself is that you have no clue actually how many marbles you have any more in your hands and what is really in there, you just keep holding onto all of them in the fear of losing one that might be important, or in the fear of, if you try and look through them you can make a mistake and lose them all, so you start avoiding at all costs looking into your marble collection, you even start and try to control your environment and reality to live a certain way that makes sure you only go and DO things that is safe for you to be in to not lose your marbles.

But, this creates a very sensitive reality, a very fragile reality, because within this setup you now believe the whole world is evil and everyone is after you to get your marbles, your special collection, and this creates a paranoid experience within which you live consistently, of losing your marble, which is you fearing losing yourself and who you think you are according to these marbles.

One day, someone comes along, and this someone does something or say something, and as their words and actions represent threir marbles, because everyone is limited to their marbles and what they have, it is like they are trying to force their marbles that does not fit into your collection into your collection, and so with this pushing and shoving you let your grip lose a bit and you drop a couple of marbles, lets imagine you drop a third of all your marbles, and in the fright, the reaction of your marbles being shaken and falling out from this other person, you freak out, you react and you start scattering everywhere to find your marbles in the fear of losing yourself, within this scattering around of finding your marbles you are also trying to now force your marbles onto this other person, to defend yourself, to protect yourself, or even from them stealing the marbles you have now dropped, so at all cost you will go at them, according to what at all cost means in your marble collection and if that marble is even still in there after losing it to use it. This can be in the form of word or actions as the marbles you are using.

After such an event you will find yourself in n interesting position, you will for a moment look at yourself and wonder, who was I just now, losing my marbles really turned me into someone else for a moment, maybe that’s because, within all those hidden marbles of which you have no idea anymore at this point what is in there, something came up that was in there and you just don’t know what it is, but you suppress it as fast as possible, and you have now recollected all your marbles that have fallen, so you are okay, you now know who you are again, you hold on tighter to the marbles and now have added an extra marble, you collected another one that is specific to that event and how to handle it next time, if the unknown marbles does not take over and decide for you again (possession).

So, as we can see, these marbles (characters, personality, feelings, emotions, experiences, thoughts, thinking etc) are not really real, they feel real, you spend a lot of time on them, you designed your whole life around them, you have designed yourself as them, the collection, you have literally decided to hold onto them and make them you for decades, so they must be real, yet when someone pushes you, or gives you a shove, or just do something, you are able to lose grip and lose them, drop them – which means they are not you, as they are able to be lost and you are able to the suddenly become someone else for a moment.

So, what if you decided to one day just relax your hands, hang them down, stop holding onto all these marbles that places so much weight on you as who you believe you must be, how you must be, what you must be, I mean everything, and just breathe and NOT collect marbles, not play in the marble collecting game, who will you be? That is the thing that NO ONE knows, that is the fear, in the end, to remove the conditioning and deciding a clean slate, the unknown.

Losing all your marbles through events is what we call going mad/crazy/insane – someone that suddenly has a breaking point, the weight of their marbles are just too much, drops it immediately in a sudden moment and they go crazy, this is losing your marbles, and this is the instability that exists as a whole for everyone in this world at any time, and this is what death brings, when we die, we cannot take our marbles with us, they stay behind ( our riches stay behind). And as the good old saying goes, as above so below, so we don’t really at all know who we are here except some marbles, so if we die with the marbles in our hands, we won’t know who we are hereafter, so we have an opportunity here, to let go of the marbles in a supportive manner where we can one by one understand the marbles and in its place as we remove it create ourselves, get to really know yourself here without any marbles, and so death does not exist really, or more so the fear of it.

Now, I want you to really consider this. When you go to sleep you let go of all your marbles, that’s how you can sleep, yet where are you when you sleep, when you are not your marbles? Why aren’t you aware of where you are when your body goes to sleep, do you even then exist? Will this not be a great indication of what is in the hereafter if we die, why would it be any different? It is about YOU here, not if the body is dead or alive. You aren’t aware of your body if it is dead or alive when you sleep, it is not in your awareness at all.

So now, taking it back to more practical terms. Have you ever lost your marbles? Has anyone ever made you react and then you become someone else? The first thing you must realize here is that the marbles as who you believe you are, isn’t real at all, even if it feels real, they are just marbles, a collection of stuff that makes up apparently you, that you play with, but not who you are.

So what I do for myself is the following, whenever there is a moment when I feel shaken, when I feel and find that I am within a reaction of anger, love, NAME it all, all emotional states or feeling states, (thoughts/thinking is you accessing the marbles, the spheres of contained information labelled by words for access) so when you CAN"T have a CLEAR mind because you are in an emotional or feeling state, like love or anger, it means you are being shaken and can’t access your collection of marbles to “think” straight. Thus you are possessed. And in these cases I find myself always afterwards looking for all my marbles again, who I am, to feel safe and secure, BUT this is where I stop myself, I see and realize that if I lost marbles here, then they aren’t real, so I rather breathe and let it go completely, and whatever marbles I find myself looking for or did look for in the moment of being shaken, I also breathe and let it go, I realize they are just marbles, not me. I do not have to pay them at all, Stop completely.

This way I start letting go of the weight I carry as who I believe I am, whatever it may be, and in its place, I place breathing and a principle, the principle I live by. If I did find a marble and acted that marble out through throwing it at another or doing something with it towards another that leaves a feeling and emotions of regret/shame or any trace of abuse, I forgive myself and I let that marble go, sometimes there are many of the same marbles and I will go and I will find them and take them out myself, this is through the process of writing myself to freedom and self-forgiveness.

Through this process, I am becoming who I am, by removing and letting go, nothing to add on. What I do is, I place supportive commitment statements that I deliberately place in to live in the marbles place that is always within the principle I live by, which is living what is best for all life.

Every time you see your marbles are being shaken, or falling apart, know that they are just marbles (thoughts, feelings, emotions, rections, experiences, memories etc), not really real, they were made real and kept real, all you have to do is drop the marbles and not participate in anything that comes up in your experience, thoughts/thinking. This leaves you HERE breathing as the directive principle that moves as the physical, real-time within what is best for all life including yourself.

Lose your marbles the right way, dont be LIKE the marbles and lose yourself all over the place, dont carry this weight as the mind as the marbles, be LIFE be the real you. Do it deliberately and with a direction – www.desteni.org

Day 601 - My Eqafe Hangout Day 4 of 21

For tonight, I have an Eqafe Hangout that I participated in, I will post the link here.

Please, take an Hour to watch somthign different than the usual series, or movie that the system provides, also take a look at the Interview we are talking about here in the hangout.

The Quantum time illusion - https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-quantum-time-illusion-part-11

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the MIND is MINE and that I can be a MINE that mines my own physical body as much as I want to, not realizing and seeing that what I accept and allow within me, I am also accepting and allowing within this world, and If I can not even stop myself then how can I expect myself to stop what is being done on a global scale and change this world to a place that is Best for all life, as heaven on earth, as my actual true desire that I have denied myself since I was a child, but suppressed it and gave into living as a Mind Zombie only consuming life.

Day 445 – I just cannot change, Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and breathe the believe that I just can not change, instead of seeing and realizing that it is just a believe and not real in fact, and that the only way I can see for real and in fact if I can change is to for real and in fact change in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the excuse of “I just cannot change” is exactly that, an excuse backed up by a secret desire to not wanting to change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to change as I am holding onto secret wants/desires that is of the mind that I do not want to give up, where I know that if I actually take the first step that these secret mind wants/desires cannot exist as the changed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set in stone the believe of” I cannot change” without ever testing out if I can change for real through actual practical real change within my daily life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change as I want to “remember” ME, as I have identified myself as memories and thus do not see a real me that does not exist as memories existing outside of the real of the mind as memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions, thus fearing the unknown, knowing that if I take the steps to real change into the unknown that I will change, thus the unknown isn’t that unknown, as it is known that one will change and not be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the me that I know as the mind within attempting to change who I am as that which is LIFE as the universe as me in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I change, yet not considering that I change myself within the principles of what is best for all life, as that which is one and equal within and as the universal principles of how everything work and thus taking my status as a co-creator, and thus I know the change will be what is best for all life as long as I cross reference myself in the physical and not through the mind to see my living and not my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who and how I will be without thought, where thoughts have been my god within my mind guiding me all my life, since I could remember, showing that before I could remember I was functioning perfectly well without thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that who I now exist as the mind and as a physical consequence within my behaviors and patterns has become a comfort for me within my life and thus even though I am pushing to change a part of me does not want to change as that part is of the mind and wants to remain in comfort, no matter how abusive or against me these patterns and behaviors are, as they support the mind as energy which is like a drug addict that can’t quit, thus I am stuck in the addiction of the mind patterns that is controlling my life and within this believe that I am unable to change, yet not realizing that just like a drug addict I must take a physical step in change and that it will not be what I want yet it will be best for me and everyone else.

Day 524 - Solitary confinement

 

Solitary confinement has been seen as a method of apparently teaching someone something. May it be with prisoners or with mental institutes or children. I remember as a child being send to sit in the corner of the class room for speaking out of tern and thus missing the rest of the class room tome. Or by my parents being send to my room for being 'bad' - yet all I learned was that adults are stupid and I still do not understand their reasoning. So how was I to prevent in the future or at least understand to know my responsibility. As l only created more mental issues. And this kind of 'punishment' is actually a reflection of how we deal and live in our own prisons inside of ourselfs called the mind. And how we deal with ourselves inside of ourselves. Keeping everything in and punishing ourselves for the things inside of ourselves as thoughts feelings and emotions. Never rather pushing to expose and talk and gain perspective and understanding and supporting ourselves or others. its a matter of doing onto another as you would like to be done onto. Solitary confinement used as punishment is a reflection of how we are doing onto ourselves. We must change.

Day 461 – Death and form.

I will die, it’s a fact, everyone will die, in a hundred or more years everyone that is on earth now will be gone and there will be new humans on earth running what we have left behind.

The new people that will run the earth and the human systems and looking after the earth (I wish) will never think or even care for that I existed, I will be dust again and that is it.

How and why am I stating these points, I was sitting the other day by myself in the lounge and waiting for food on the stove to boil, as I sat there I started massaging my hands and breathing nice and slow.

Within this my hands became very warm and soft, I could really feel my hands and I was here inside my body, no thoughts in my mind and no energy trapped within my body, everything was quiet and here, me as the physical breathing and being chilled.

I then took my hands as I was massaging them and I started to really look at my hands, I noticed the details of the hair on my hands and the sweat poor’s and the skin texture, I also noticed the veins running through my hands and where they might be going with the blood obviously flowing through them.

As I looked at my hands I then wanted to now pick up my leg and see my leg, as I picked up my leg I realized that I was picking up my leg, for some reason I did not pick up my leg using my leg muscles, I used my hand, I grabbed my leg and pulled it upwards onto the chair, within this I felt the bones and the shin and the veins running with the hair, and for but a moment It felt like I was picking up something separate. The same as me picking up a rock.

I then looked at my leg and my hands holding my leg and I realize that the body I have isn’t me, it will one day age and die, or die through other means. My body will return to the earth.

My body does not have fear, my body by itself does not experience fear of have any fear for this transition that has to yet come – where the body dies and returns to earth in its more basic form.
If I had to remove myself from my body my body would have no fear as the fear come from the mind which I use as the being to create and generate energy from.

I also realized that the fear I had of the Body dying was the mind fearing it, NOT me as the being here, because the mind knows that it requires the body to exist, as the mind takes the energy from the body to exit in energy as the feelings/emotions, yet me and my body are calm and here, we understand the process of LIFE as one and equal, as the physical and that death is real, yet not to be feared.

Because me as the being and the body as the solid physical form, we do not require energy as thoughts/feelings/emotions to exist, we are here, we simply have to breathe as the body and even when the body stops breathing each cell on its own as a being will continue living and I as the being that for a time used the physical body as the vessel to move around and to learn about the physical and life and creation and to reborn myself through using the awesome body form that is solid and thus a practical tool to self-realize, will be here – yet I also saw in that moment how I as the being have chosen the mind over the body and have lived within the mind for as long as I can remember, and thus I have created myself as a mind being that will also end with death as I would have never self-realized myself in that moment if death has to occur, I also realized that I as the being as the one with the creation powers are the one choosing between the mind and the body at all times, and the body is rarely chosen but only neglected and abused.

As the body is solid here and the mind is floating up there in energy – I am consistently always one breathe away from self-realization, and self-realization isn’t something special, it is HERE, the physical is that consistent reference as the body and the earth, even though I will not be the body after death, I will still be here as the Physical, if I create myself s the physical, choosing the physical and self-realize what is here.

Day 320 – Tired Character the road to success Part 6

Day 318 - Reactive Character
Day 319 - Insecure Character

Fear Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people asking me to move when and as I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to Not be tired to do my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as I am tired that I will miss out on what’s happening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will think I am weak when and as I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others will think of me when and as I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to appear as lazy when and as I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear tiredness in itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the weakness in my body that I experience when I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing time when and as I am tired and moving slow and siting down for long periods.

Thought Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought where I see what I have to do to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “where I doing something I do not look forward to” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of “seeing myself doing the same stuff again for the day ahead” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of “seeing myself having to deal with the same people again and taking what they are giving” to exist within and as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of “seeing myself falling in the exact same routine as the day before and nothing changing” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of “seeing myself NOT getting to the things I want to because I will be so busy with the other stuff all day” to exist within and as me.

Imagination Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself sitting and doing nothing” while I am busy with work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imagine myself resting from working or doing what I am doing and that within this I might enjoy myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the opposite of what I am doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself Not dealing with any people for the entire day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the ideal way of spending my day where I am not working to much or where I am not dealing with people all the time when and as I am doing that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am asked to do something for someone to imagine myself not having to do anything for anyone for the entire day and how I would enjoy that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imagine change during my day where I do not have to do the same things over and over again, seeing and realizing how this creates a tiredness within me as I am in conflict with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself going to bed early and that I will then not be tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself sleeping less and less and still Not being tired and how I do all the same things during my day and even better sometimes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imagine How I have already Done all the things I wanted to do for the day and to then not have to rush or get stressed and can go to sleep without ever having a bit of tiredness and waking up feeling refreshed.
Internal conversations/backchat/voices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “I must be coming forth as being lazy because I am tired” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat of “I don’t want this day to be the same as every other day’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the internal conversation within me of “If I have to do the same shit again today I will be exhausted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the internal conversation of “ If I keep on doing this same work every day over and over I will get burned out and it will be the people giving me the works fault if I am tired and unable to work” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “ fuck I have to do this again” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the Voice in my head telling me “this isn’t your job, you should not do this, it is someone else’s job” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the voice within me saying “if the fuckers give my THEIR work to do again today I will go nuts’ to exist within and as me,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my day does not go according to how I wanted it to be as I imagined it to have the back chat of “ I am not getting anywhere, this is pointless” to exits within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I have to do the same shit over and over every day that is asked of me by someone else when it isn’t my job, to have the internal conversation of “this isn’t my work, why the fuck am I asked o do this, I will never be able to learn or to get somewhere with my own work if this continues, to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I Feel that everything I do isn’t my work to do, to have the internal conversation of ‘ This isn’t my work to do, so therefore I must be getting tired when I do this” to exist within and as me.

Reaction Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I am asked to do things that isn’t mine to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I am asked to do the same stuff over and over again every day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the reaction of feeling like I am going to explode to exist within and as me when and as the same stuff is asked of me to do over and over again as if it is a favor, like I want to do it, as if I am that kind of guy that leaves everything I have to do behind to do a favor for someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I am asked to do someone else a favor, seeing and realizing how I have made it a believe within my mind that the more favors I have to do the more I will get tired, because favors have nothing to do with work but for someone personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word favor and like it will be something that will tire me out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as my day isn’t going as I have imagined it to go and as I was intended to make it go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I am asked of a favor by the tenth person for the day as if I am a favor machine and that isn’t allowed to say NO. and to accumulate this anger I create of feeling abused and to eventually wanting to burst and instead keep it all in and becoming emotional and wanting to hide which then makes me tired and so I will hide within tiredness.

Behaviour Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defensive within my words and actions when and as I am asked of a favor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down and to start making up excuses to why I can’t do the favor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in a way to avoid specific people so that I cannot be asked to do something such as a favor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to avoid people that I know will ask of me to do thing that I did not imagine to do for the day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am given a task to do to rush myself as being a good boy that does what is asked, instead of breathing and moving within each breathe and so I see and realize that through pretending to be all good boy soldier doing what’s asked of him and rushing to do it as the polarity of what’s going on within me, is what makes me do thing Physically that tires me out and thus compromise myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aggressive when and as I am pushed out of my imagination world into having to do things, even if it is for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry within myself and so move and behave in a way that isn’t pleasant for me or others as I look like someone you want to avoid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself unnecessary just to look busy so that I cannot be asked to do something for someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk a lot around in a rushing manner to give the impression that I am busy and cannot be asked to do anything, seeing and realizing how I am tiring myself out through following the mind as the wants and needs and desires instead of actually doing what required of me which will be a lot less then what I am doing just to avoid the work lol.

Day 319 – Insecure Character – Road to Success Part 5

Day 318 - Reactive Character, Road to success Part 4

Day 319 – Insecure Character – Road To Success Part 5

Fear Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking stupid in front of other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sounding stupid in front of other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have said the wrong things in front of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking like a child when I am doing a man’s work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically inferior to others and for my age and design as being a male.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be seen as an equal in a group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear smelling dirty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my voice does not sound man enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not seem tough enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak.

Thought Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture in my head where I have already compared and judged myself to others and placed myself within a specific light as being insecure about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of me not being accepted by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of someone I am interacting with seeing me as less then them and making fun of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of me being rejected by others as not seeming to have enough knowledge and information with me as they want to have from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of me being objectified by others for the way I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of seeing myself being laughed at by others that are physically bigger than me and have real manly voices when I do not.

Imagination Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imagine myself getting bullied by others that are Physically more than me in size and in manliness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself getting laughed at by the people I am communicating with about how I communicate and sound while doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself getting frowned upon by others because of how I might smell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being rejected by others for the way I look today as how I dress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being belittled by others for being skinny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being questioned by others for how old I am as I still look sixteen but am doing real man work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being teased by girls for the way I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself standing all alone while all the girls is grouped together looking at me and laughing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself getting in a fight because of other males finding me weak and pathetic and thus making me an easy target and so abuse me.

Internal conversations/Back-chat/voices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “ Fuck that guy is Big” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “ God dammed I don’t have the info on that” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “ I hope I don’t sound stupid right now” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “dame I smell myself, please don’t let the girl’s smell me” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “I am so skinny and Thin, it must make me look weak’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “this person looks like everything I feel inferior to” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “I look like a sixteen year old when I am twenty three” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “why the fuck can’t I just look better and gain some weight” to exist within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “I must gain muscles and beard and a manlier voice to have confidence to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “I am stupid and must too stupid to’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat of “No one can take me seriously as long as I do not look my age’ to exist within and as me.

Reaction Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I am feeling stupid within a conversation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone comments on me being skinny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone else comments on my body image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I struggle to read something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone else is behaving in a way that makes me feel small.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I stand on a scale and see I haven’t gained any weight in 4 years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone else comments on how I smell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as girls say I am skinny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone else tells me I am stupid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I have to interact with someone I have compared myself to as me being the inferior one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I do not have vocabulary that seems like it should be known by all already.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own Image in the mirror.

Behaviour Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure to fold my arms.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure about my body image to stand straighter and puff out my shoulders as an attempt to hide what I am experiencing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure about how old I look to attempt to look older through facial expressions that is intimidating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel insecure about how smart I am or what knowledge and information I have to speak about thing I know more and more just to give a different impression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clamp my arms down when and as I feel insecure about how I smell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk with my head down and my shoulders bulged in when and as I feel insecure about myself in general.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make my voice deeper and more manly when and as I feel insecure about how I sound.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use laughter a lot and smiling a lot when and as I feel insecure about what is being discussed or talked about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my smile when and as I am insecure about who I am in the moment and whatever is being discussed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a lot of physical movements when and as I am insecure about who I am within a discussion or a situation.