Forcefulness and Fear

As I am staying and moving in with Kelly and Adrian on their land here in Panama, which is surrounded by rivers and forests all around. I have been going into the wild for a few hours a day, something I have never been able to do. Even living on the Desteni Farm in South-Africa, there wasn’t really WILD nature around.

With this, I have been able to go to the woods/rivers and just BE HERE, breathing. Yet, I know as this is a new environment I have to be aware of the wildlife I am unfamiliar with, as most frogs and snakes here are poisonous and who knows what else. I am still learning.

This combination of me placing the direction and commitment for myself on what I am living in the wild with the wild being here I am accessing a very interesting part of myself, a part that has become automatic in the sense of survival/fear responses.

I know in South-Africa with the high crime/rape/murder there I had this point as an obvious point within me, but now that it is not with me any more, I feel I am reaching deeper roots of this point within me, I was looking at it while being by the river and I kind of named it for myself as the ancient fear - where humans generally could not just live with nature, unlike wild animals, we had to make shelter and weapons and all kinds of things that lead to where we are now, we have always felt inferior to nature and thus FORCED our way onto and through this earth by ravaging nature, destroying it just to feel secure and safe from the wild animals, and thus came full circle to humans now fearing themselves the most and what we do to ourselves, as nature is kind of out of the way right.

My experience in particular was strange, catching the ever so slight thoughts of destruction within me while being in this beautiful, peaceful environment coming up in a seemingly random moment. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river, the rock was smooth and big, so I wanted to lay on it, but there was this one piece of grass that somehow against all odds grew on this rock in a crack, and I caught myself with a thought of ripping it out and throwing it away into the water, as only then I would find this rock perfect and clean/safe, forcing my way onto the environment.

I stopped myself, I breathed and I asked for forgiveness for this piece of grass, and instead I saw myself in the grass growing there on this rock. I said to the grass, look at you, you grew here, look at me, I am also here but I only want to diminish you and myself. I then embraced myself as that piece of grass and sat with it on the rock, right next to it.

As I stood up from the rock, not having lived out this forcefulness towards this piece of grass sharing this rock with me as I was the visitor there, I noticed this more and more, I found myself with a stick in my hand and two rocks in my pocket, I saw then how my behaviour of having the stick and two rocks was to HARM, thus force my way onto nature, as the reason I had the stick and two rocks was for my protection right? In case there is a snake or a wild animal lurking in the forest surrounding me. Now, yes it can be practical in case there is a snake I can use the stick to move it, or the rocks to chase an animal off. BUT this post is not focussed on the practical side of this, it is to see what MOVED within me, as the starting point matters as that will determine my action in an unexpected moment.

I then took the two rocks out of my pocket and I put them down, I then took the stick and placed it down. I then had a moment of wondering/looking at the point for myself. Here I am in nature, it is SOO calm and peaceful, it is amazing, the sounds and the feeling of the place as the wind, fresh air, all is good, and I found myself being the ONLY threat there which was scary to see me in that moment, a complete system of fear and paranoia manifested as a justification of self-survival/defence, yet whit just me being who i am in the first, I am the only one there placing everything else in defensive mode, as they all need to now protect themselves from me, THUS my very starting point in who I am in the forest is thus making everything else dangerous.

I got up after putting my weapons down, I stood still for a moment taking in the fresh air and I said to myself, OK Gian, now, stop the mind, and be HERE in breathe moving one step at a time, do not consistently look around, following every small sound, or going into my mind of what is something jumps out of the bushes, and I started moving forward further down the river and the trees, I then started feeling my body relax, I then started feeling in tune so to say with my environment, I then started feeling actually aware of my environment without having to use my eyes and ears the whole time. I had to embrace a TRUST within me and so start resonating that trust into my environment as who I am.

This was a test for me on a personal level, and I would not recommend everyone doing it considering now the practical side of things and your environment, yet the point stands to always check WHO AM I and to look to the small things we stop that is forceful, catching those thoughts that rush through our head and places us into survival and fear/paranoia that leads to us becoming exactly what we fear and miss out on a whole different level of existence for ourselves and others that is possible.

I went much further, as I saw this point in a simple point such as going on a relaxed walk into the forest, I took the signature and I pulled it all the way into my life, my relationships and movement in my reality, my creation points, seeing where am I in this forcefulness, realizing it is not working, it is to be HERE, breathe and move myself as myself as expression from me, not something outside of me.

Trauma - A Deeply Distressing or Disturbing Experience.

The road back to self.

When we look at Trauma, it can be many things to any given person in any moment, as long as we look at the definition we can see that depending on so many circumstances in our lives from the time of birth, we can experience trauma from the smallest to the biggest things. 

Trauma can be something as simple as your parents telling you NO, when you ask them something, or when you want something, all the way to the extremes of being in an accident, starving to death, losing your house/family. 

Our current world system is a trauma inducing system, it induces trauma from birth till death, the way the system is designed, justified and set up in all aspects is to create trauma, a shock to our systems/expressions as human beings. We are born into distressed families surviving, making money, losing jobs, looking for jobs, always stressed and busy, always running around or already living in a state of shock and coping from trauma/distress of how the system mules us in its design and functionality. 

Take a simple example of trauma that occurs for most humans at birth, we are born and immediately ripped from our mother and put through a system of “cleaning us up” which is to take us as a baby and use these unknown materials such as cloth and cold water to splash and rub and scrub the blood off of us and make us clean, then to be placed back into our mothers hands, only to be taken away a few moment later for more checkups and examinations, then to be placed back into our mothers arms. it is all good and so considering, yet how we are handled isn't always best, I speak here form personal experience and seeing my son being born.

This is but one example, the Trauma already started before that, from simple traumas of the system and how it is designed, where our parents had to ask themselves questions such as, could they afford a hospital, a good one, did our parents have the money, did they meet the right person/doctor to give birth to us that cares and treats us with care, did our birth cause a family disturbance at home, is home stable, do the family I am born into have stability emotionally and physically. ALL of this determines how we are within the womb and what we experience when we come out. Since our system is designed on uncertainty of HUMAN value and life, the trauma of just existing here is consistent.

All of the system is trauma inducing if it is not a system designed of the utmost potential of human life, where there is a system/systems that supports all life equally with true care in place, where money isn’t and does not play any factor in our creation, or birth, or growing up and living in this world, as Money effects every single aspect of everything, from our thoughts, words and deeds, as we are BORN from and within money, and the existence of it, all of our existence is trauma, as it is an unequal GREED, POWER, CONTROL system, the very air we are born into isn't pure, that in itself is traumatizing, not to mention our food and water, the very basics needs we depend on has been traumatized and destroyed to be like a slow poison for our bodies, not to mention even withheld from 50% of humans to a degree. 

This is why reality and life on earth is beautiful as the physical plain of nature and what is here as nature, and when we look towards the human’s existence here, it is disturbing, we are disturbed, everything about us is out of place, it does not just seem that way, you can feel it in your gut that there is something deeply disturbing, and the secret to why we all have this feeling in our stomachs isn’t a complicated one, it is because we have woven money into the fabric of our very existence and lives. 

Take a moment to see how traumatizing this is for life on earth, and so for us each as individuals on the planet, the earth is traumatized and it is obvious when we look to nature and what is going on there/here. It is a reflection of US, who we are as humans, what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves and so in this world, and so for each and every child to be born into this traumatizing world keeps manifesting traumatized humans and so the world.

We are all traumatized, and it is very important that we see this, admit this, to a degree we are all in some form of shell-shock, from being born, how we are born and brought into this world, to being send off to school like little soldier getting ready to go fight for our very survival after the schooling system, and school is all about getting you ready to handle shock/trauma by constantly shocking you, traumatizing you with authority, with rules, with standards and with the whole system of children running together, bullying, fighting and comparing themselves to one another to see who can beat down who to get on top and the school system thrives on this, who is the losers and who are the winners, traumatizing each other on behalf of the system, this obviously is but part of it all, then there is the other half of the world living in poverty, famine, war and in extreme circumstances of abuse within this world, from prostitution, sex slave trafficking, violence, torture and rape, murder, which is in itself extremely traumatizing and used as a way to blackmail and induce fear into those that live a quit “normal life” to again create distress/trauma as a way of control, manipulating and get no one to do anything, to change nothing.

Because you are traumatized, a consistent state of being traumatized and hypnotized, living in a shell of shock, not able to know, what the fuck is going on, who am I, where are we going, why is this life, what happened to my life, and so on we go with the question of a traumatized person.

I write this blog, because I had a recent realization about myself within the word trauma, my trauma. I had a blind spot where I have been denying and pushing aside past experiences, past moments that has happened within my life, I have been looking at these moment and I got all the way to my birth and this system that exist on earth we humans have created above the natural system as nature. and call this system natural, a natural human economic system would be in alignment with nature, and it most definitely isn’t, thus made up bullshit system. 

So, I saw me going into the BIGGER picture of the trauma that exist inherently within this world was me again avoiding my trauma and dealing with my trauma YET I see it important to have the bigger picture and thus sharing it here for others and support. I went into self-judgment about my trauma, my experiences that I experienced and stored/defined within me as trauma as not being valid as I am not starving or living in poverty. This is where I saw I was creating blind spots for myself that keeps me in a loop and in the past. Not wanting to deal with myself in certain aspects of myself and my life, justified by the back chat of “others are in worse situations than me” they have true trauma, my points are just petty shit, I must get over it. Seeing how I have been brainwashed to remain in place = ).

So, I wrote this out first, as I am in my blogs to come going to do introspection into MY trauma, to stop judging my traumas and denying them, no matter how small they are, as I do not want to live with BLIND-SPOTS directing my life, when all I have to do is look in the side mirror to see what is coming and take self-responsibility. Because I want to be the directive principle in my life and to be as effective as I can be within this life.

I must STOP existing in a state of trauma/victimization and GET up, for and as myself. Enough denying and suppressing, we must all stop traumatizing and dramatizing our lives, we must look into the blind spots, admit them, forgive them, see them, take self-responsibility and walk clear as ourselves.

More to come on MY trauma

Day 641 – LIFE is so GOD DAMN SERIOUS

Life is so god damn serious (sour)!! Really? Is it life that is serious? Ok, I will take this back to myself – I am so GOD DAMN SERIOUS!!

Why am I so serious? And when do I get so serious? I mean, it sometimes feels like everything is just serious, like I am walking on sharp stones that is LIFE or DEATH, if I just take one single step wrong on these rocks I will fall into DEEP SHIT, shit that I can’t handle? Shit where others will make things shit/hell for me?

All my ACTIONS and WORDS are connected directly or indirectly to the one thing, the one ring that binds us ALL – MONEY. Every word I utter/speak, every action I take or make leads to consequences with MONEY – may it be positive or negative, that’s the point of the word consequences.

Did I say the right thing? Or the wrong thing? Who LIKES what I said/say and who does not? Did I do or am I doing something someone does not like, or like, I mean fuck, what is this, my survival/life is literally dependant on what others think of me, or is it?

We go deeper. Reason can be YES, if your boss does not like you, or your clients does not like you, FUCK it, you can suffer, get fired or have no customers, regardless of what you have to offer – If the opinions of others are against you, you lost, and you will feel the wrath of opinions through how your very survival is threatened, like a deep spitefulness, a knife used to show you are disliked, so suffer.

Ok, expressing the seriousness as the feeling, the emotion within is what’s coming up, the imagery and the words, sentences, which are sentencing me to my own convictions of me as my own judgments of myself and onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BE and ACT so serious in everything I do, as if life or death hangs at the balance of if I am being serious or not in my appearances, in my acting. Am I acting the right way, if this character convincing enough to be on the edge of being right, this sharp edge of a knife that I can so easily slip off from and cut myself in half, who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I have been TOLD and thus to HOLD onto as the MOST important things in life, which is MONEY and people liking you to be the MOST serious of things, and thus within these two points find myself in a prison as people are everywhere and money is all I see in this world, so apparently everything is important except me, so I must take this very serious.

Anything that has to do with MONEY must be so fucking serious, so fucking fragile, it is like handling fucking god, be careful with money, take care of money, protect your money, make sure you have enough money to retire, make sure you have insurance, it is VERY serious issues, because you can die, well you will die. But still be so oh so serious about this, but please be so reckless with how you treat the planet and animals and nature and all else that exist here, that is less serious.

Talk about taking things personally, so many people, so many colours, so many histories, so many different pasts, so many of everything, always be serious, because you might just not be serious one time and DIE.

There is a major difference between being serious and respect, consideration and understanding. Seriousness is the part where everything is personal, say the wrong word, write something wrong, and you are in serious shit, better to always be serious to avoid serious shit, be the serious shit to give the serious shit, just be serious.

Reckless isn’t the opposite of seriousness, reckless is the opposite of consideration, the opposite of seriousness is actually RELAX and breathe, stop your fear and insecurities.

Now – serious exists, the ENERGY that we take on within serious is the problem, the serious energy that consumes us with the emotion of burden, the emotion of life or death is on the line here in every single things we do, big or small, that our very essence is on the line.

This is revealing a “problem” – wait, I am getting serious again, I just cannot stop myself, I MUST be serious, because then everyone else will take me serious, and then I will have value, wait I am anyway getting to my point of what the problem is through exposing my serious approach on what the problem is haha.

Your hair is falling out - Serious

Your teeth are bad – Serious

You don’t look so healthy – serious

Your relationship – serious

Your job/business – serious

Solving global issues – serious

ANYTHING to do with MONEY – serious

Serious – sourness

How can we solve or do ANYTHING in this world when we take on the essence/spirit of SOUR to solve things, to take things head on, with the sourness attitude and approach.

To take things serious isn’t to take on a “character” that is possessed by a certain mind set/personality that now behaves and acts a certain way to be serious and to apparently be “genuine” – that is an illusion, which is a problem attempting to solve a problem.

Take a look – ANY problem that is attempted to be taken on to a solution where a serious character is involved, shit goes sour, the sourness route, it starts to have like an acid attack on it, trying to dissolve the problem by attacking it with an acid, sourness. By taking the sweetness out of everything and anything to apparently solve a problem, dissolving the sweetness – because ones VIEW point within the serious character sis that of DEATH of LIFE, a polarity design, this or that and so REAL solutions cannot be seen or approached, the seriousness will stop anything that is “different” and not serious, not one way or the other.

In your relationship, take a look, any point that is taken on to solve a problem or to resolve conflicts of interest, to come to an agreement turns SOUR when the approach is SERIOUS – it is a fuckup.

How can we ever get really serious when we are only serious to be serious about seriousness as a way to show or hold up something about ourselves on a personal level – may it be of self-value or of self-interest intents (fears or insecurities hidden).

We are like little serious soldiers that seriously uphold an Image of who we believe we must be in certain to even all events/situations that we have accepted and allowed to be a imprint onto us from our parents/those that has gone before us. Imagine yourself being a little soldier, with your one hand by your head saluting to your two parents standing in front of you. I mean, parents do suck the fun out of anything, NO, NO, NO, don’t, do not do that, That cost money, stop it, NO you can’t, NO, I said NO and I said so, I am your parent that is why, you don’t do that, stop doing that, you are my little hero, you are my princess, you are my prince, you are adorable, you are this and that and so on, you are just everything EXCPET you, a sour childhood indeed for most. So you better be serious about living what your parents told you and programmed into you, because that shit defines you, that’s serious shit, you do not DARE breaking that shit, you do not dare failing at those programs drilled into you, you little soldier. It is NOTHING personal to parents, YOU/I accepted and allowed it, WE must change ourselves, so don’t take anything out on your parents. Although you changing you for you can seem a bit different, some friction.

We are programmed to FEAR everything, we are programmed to walk around in this serious manner about ourselves, like everything is at risk all the time, that we must and can never DARE ourselves to express, it isn’t trustworthy, because there is NO fear in expressing ourselves, so it is dangerous, we cannot cross the lines of control and be creative because that unknown, so the serious instructions in everything, from relationships to money HAS to be followed to the T.

How do we move from programmed fear driven SERIOUSNESS to actual SERIOUSNESS as life.

SERIOUS can be SEE I ROSE – how do I RISE, and see it for ME/myself – I remove myself from the eyes that I place onto myself as to what I should and should not be doing, and so I rise above the programs and step into my self-expression and creativity to be HERE fearless. I rise from fear and I SEE I am HERE.

A Simple example – if YOU ever face a situation where you will go into the typical thought of “I must fear this situation” stop the fear and see HOW can you actually direct the situation OUTSIDE of the guidelines of fear OR insecurities, yet have the BEST outcome for ALL involved.

I suggest you look at the following typical situations most people face within this world that is defined as serious, I want you to REMOVE the word serious from the situation, and remove within you the FEAR of what such a situation possible can mean, or are currently meaning for you and others.

Having a ton of Debt – serious right?

Business is failing – serious right?

Relationship issues – serious right?

Not finding a job – serious right?

Now, I am not saying they are NOT serious, I want you to see how the serious MIND SET is like having a square box in front of your face with only a small hole cut in it to see through. Removing that box/seriousness opens up a whole new view/world and removes the FEARS of possibilities and instead opens up possibilities for creative and expression of self, outside of what we were programmed to see and how it should be and will be and can be.

Do this for yourself, and see who you are without fear/insecurities and move and direct yourself with solutions within creativity and expression that is best for all as an outcome. This also means removing a lot of emotions/feelings that has been developed around this “serious view” in approaching life and situations, like depression, anxiety, stress and so forth, breathe and drop them, drop that shit, it is limiting the view and creative self. but still, don't get delusional.

Now as a side note – do not create any expectations, because that’s acting on the energy of “hope” and thus positive enforcement, instead of real practical steps – these real practical steps can surprise you if one dares to break the bondage of self to fear.

To just one last time make it clear - serious things are things that requires direction - it is the who we are within the seriousness that determines EVERYTHING - and this who we are within it, that will be HOW we are driving it, and because we all have this weird way of being serious, we tend to drive things to a negative most of the times, to a point of fear, instead of solutions and direction (direct actions)