Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 2.




Day 456 – Being comfortable with myself Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I can and am allowed to be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be comfortable with myself I must wear clothes that are accepted by everyone else, instead of wearing clothes that are practical and comfortable for my body/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I wear will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the cloths I wear will change how I experience myself inside, seeing and realizing that the inside experience I must change from within by breathing in air instead of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how big my physical body is and how muscular it looks will make me comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more manly I look the more comfortable I will feel with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more LOUD I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more silent I am the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when other people look at me that I must become self-aware of myself to be aware of what other people might think about me so that I can start defending myself already within my head and within this then become uncomfortable within myself, seeing that it is the thought and the back chat that is making me uncomfortable and not that other people are looking at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge others for looking at me as if they have the power to make me feel a certain way within myself, when I am in fact the only one who decides what is happening within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must feel/experience something within myself when other people are looking at me, within the believe that I must be self-aware to prove that I am aware of myself and how I look and all that to the other person, as in judging myself before they can judge me so that if something happens like they confront me I can already have an excuse or a justification for why the back chat and thoughts were accepted and allowed to compromise me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that comfortablility comes from within, from breathing and that any thought or back chat will compromise the point of being comfortable and thus go into reactions and the mind, seeing and realizing that if there is back chat or thoughts about myself as judgements that I have that can and will come up in sudden moments to compromise me, I must investigate my physical participation as what I live and my inner and align them within self-honesty and practicality and thus live within that starting point instead of making it about a self-conscious point of being in others heads as my own judgments out of fear.

To be continued.

Day 455 – being comfortable with myself Part 1





What is it to be comfortable with myself? I have been working on this point for years, and yet it is still within me, no matter how small or how big the point is within me, it is still here.

Today I was in a new neighborhood; I faced two specific points that showed me that the point was still within me of not being completely comfortable with myself. 

I was walking across a soccer field to go to the bathrooms at one point, within this there were kids playing soccer and a couple of dozens sitting on the side-line watching, but not really watching, as they were simply talking among each other and playing.

As I was walking I had to cross the field with the kids playing, and as I was crossing all the kids were watching me, the kids were between the age of 10 to 13, so I am seen as the adult within their eyes being there, yet within myself I do not feel like the adult, I feel just like one of the kids.

So within me this created a conflict within me that started making me feel uncomfortable within myself, and thus I started walking weird and I I kept on looking downwards to the ground, also within this I noticed how I suddenly became very self-aware of the cloths I am wearing and the way I am walking and each part of my body became a point of self-awareness in this long walk, it was like a 200m walk to the toilet.

I weren’t comfortable with myself feeling uncomfortable in a sense of being self-aware in a states of self-judgement. 

Another scenario was now at night, in a new town for the first time with different people and areas and malls and so forth, within this we went to get food me and two other people on a road trip, within this we were standing outside of the restaurant waiting for our food to be prepared.

As we were standing outside by the tables, there were a group of men standing across from us on the other side of the road, they were laughing and talking and they stood around their cars in the parking lot, they looked our way a few times and as they looked they then started talking and laughing.

Within this I assumed it was about us, so I looked at the guys for a while and within this I saw them as being men, they have cars and they have money and they look like MEN, this definition is a contaminated one as it has nothing to do with being a man, where they were big, they had bellies and big arms and they were tall, everything I am not, so I started feeling like the kid. 

This then became uncomfortable within myself, not the scenario, because it is all about what went on within me, the judgements I made and placed, and this all obviously comes from how I have defined myself and the value I have placed within certain points.
Self-forgiveness in next blog, stay tuned.

Day 454 – Hierarchy systems, the great illusion Part 3



Regardless of where I am within a hierarchy system, I need to take authority of myself. This is important because in hierarchy systems there is authority and the authority is the people at the top, so say we all. Yes they cannot have authority over me but only within the specific line of work or position they are within, in a business sense, not a global sense.

Most if not all accept and allowed the people at the top of the hierarchy systems in the world to have authority over them and their life’s, this is a mistake.

This is why things such as war, poverty, famine, minimum wage, etc. exist without change, because someone up stairs, that someone that is at the top of the command chain is making decisions and has the Authority to make the decisions that not only influence and affect them but billions of lives on earth, because they have received the authority over everyone below them through every ones permission through the “beliefs” the bottom feeders have of the top dogs as the hierarchy systems’ to do so, without the bottom eaters doing anything or saying anything, the bottom eaters mostly don’t even see themselves as existent and thus don’t care.

This is a pyramid, this is a hierarchy system, it functions as a way of control and control is gained through fear, not fear of war or fear of famine or fear of a global environmental disaster, but through the fear of personal self-interest not being met, which equals fear of survival for self.

That’s why the poor man will do nothing but live his poor live, because even within being poor humans find self-interest, a poor man will not sacrifice his life to show and to expose the system and to not give up until he is heard and change is in place, because doing so will mean he will have to give up his self-interest, which he created/found for himself in his poor life, may it be alcohol or drugs or simply to be lazy or do nothing, even a poor man in the face of having nothing and in the face of dying of starvation or because of not having all basic needs met such as shelter and safety, he has found his fear.

The fear can be fear of not having alcohol, the fear can be fear of not having glue to sniff, the fear can be fear of having to work for the food he is begging for, the fear can be fear of having to give up the comfort of doing nothing even while starving, the fear can be fear of having to now change, because if the poor man had to change to challenge the hierarchy system he will have to give up those points of fear to stand as what he is asking for.

I am not saying ALL poor people are like this or that any poor man is like this, I am showing how fear control anyone’s life and how fear can control even the poorest – and how a hierarchy system has got everyone screwed through implementing fear, even if it is a invisible being in the sky that we make up as the highest of high levels in a hierarchy system to justify why we fear the top dogs and to justify it.

It is god’s plan, he has a plan, god is the top of the pyramid so he makes the decisions, he has planned this for me, he has a plan for me, I cannot interfere with his plan, it is impossible to change the plan god has for me, this is one more example to see how even a poor human on the verge of dying of starvation can justify why they did not do anything, rather than to challenge the hierarchy systems. Because that would just be uncomfortable, who challenges god? I do..

See how the hierarchy system is but one big excuse as well ,for people not to take self-responsibility and to have a place to go to and blame or point fingers and to keep that fear in place to remain in self interest in a state of only caring for self and survival for self, and this survival of self isn’t even the real self, it is the mind, the top dog in the hierarchy system within self. Protecting itself.

So how do we take back the Authority in a world controlled by hierarchy systems, a world that is entangled by hierarchy systems – these systems are literally created to only confuse people to create fear to have control to enslave?

Imagine seeing millions of pyramids made from sticks, the pyramids are all different sizes and the Biggest ones is so high you cannot see their tips, they are all also entangled within one another, like they were built into one another as if there wasn’t enough space on the ground, and each pyramid has massive open levels on them with each level containing a number of people, may it be a million on the lowest becoming less and less till at each pyramid at the top there are only one standing.

The few BIG pyramids are built to stand over ALL the other smaller ones, yet only the big ones touch one another and together stand over all the rest, so the millions of bottom pyramids cannot see the few big pyramids at all at the top, yet the few at the top are smiling and waving at each other.
If you can see this picture I painted then you will have a better understanding, now how do we take back authority?

Realize that the pyramids mean nothing; they are but pyramids that are bigger and smaller in size, and the authority each pyramid has is given to them by the beliefs each human has created within their mind about each pyramid they see/saw according to their size, and then the authority and power is given to the human at the top, so realize the top guy is but a human and that our beliefs as a collective gives them and the pyramid they run the power they can have.

So we are the ones with authority, so we must realize we have the authority already, they just manipulated us to belief they have it, by making themselves standing high and unseen and on top of something that LOOKS big to the rest, yet it’s just a man on top and use in our minds making up/assuming and creating beliefs that gives them all the power they need from us.

Day 453 – working with Hierarchy systems - the inner system - Part 2


I ended off with my previous blog: Day 451 Hierarchy systems Part 1, sharing how I have never done research or investigations on how people say hierarchy systems work, but how I in fact face them in my daily life within my business, not all of them, but the way it is structured in real time and how interactions take place within such systems.

So today I want to go back to self, to investigate this point for myself to see the inner and how we created it as an outer system.

First of all, I had to realize that hierarchy systems exist for real lol, and then I had to realize that I am living in one and part of thousands of hierarchy systems on a daily basis.

The first hierarchy system I face and live with daily is ME, I have my own mini hierarchy system within me, and I can call it Mind, body and spirit.

I have a mind – which currently is the top of the ME hierarchy system as my mind is in control, my mind is giving direction and orders and all that a BOSS does, then my spirit comes into play, after the mind has made a direction there is now something else required to make this happen, which is spirit, I will say spirit is the energy that the mind uses to kind of pay/bribe the body into doing whatever the mind wants the body to do.

The mind obviously exist within a few layers within itself, which is the conscious, subconscious and the unconscious mind, and they are a hierarchy system within themselves, the unconscious takes lead over the subconscious and the subconscious over the conscious, as the conscious is merely an outflow of the subconscious and the sub conscious is constructed on top of the unconscious.

The unconscious is the world systems and beliefs and all that is running in the Bigger scheme of things that we are not aware, and then our subconscious is the behaviors/patterns that we live out that is constructed from viewing the world in order to survive, then we have the conscious that is all the thinking and thoughts and pictures we have daily and that entertain us and keeps us occupied/brainwashed, its literally like laundry falling around in your eye balls, unable to see reality.

So who is the boss in all of this, the conscious the sub-conscious or the unconscious? Well the unconscious obviously, because we live in a world consistent of billions of other humans and beings and all kinds of world systems our very lives depends on knowing the world and surviving within it, but we can obviously not be aware of it all consciously all the time so we place it in the back and let it run freely for us so that we can simply follow the behaviors and patterns we have set/created for ourselves in space and time to follow through the world systems/unconscious and then we have the conscious mind that keeps occupying us to distract us from looking at the systems running us like hamsters in a wheel.

So after this hierarchy system has been created, now it needs fuel, something to get the worker to move and do what it wants it to do, which is like money/gold/resources etc, and this is SPIRIT, these days we can literally say people are driven by spirits, we call it alcohol, but the alcohol needs money to be in hand, so the mind is mining energy from the body to create feelings/emotions, taking resources from the body to pay the body back, to get the body to belief its being rewarded or getting something to do something for the MIND. Because the mind is always only wanting to survive, as its aware its self-awareness is limited and will end, so it seeks an eternal LIFE, which is where we came with the ideas of heaven and hell to entertain the mind into believing it has a chance at eternal life.

Unfortunately the mind as Lucifer got Jealous of God as the physical because god is eternal and does not need anything outside of itself to live/exist or any necessary form, as god/physical is everything/here and thus LIFE.

So now the mind is attempting to punish the body/the physical though enslaving the body to energy and trapping the body in a hierarchy system within itself, where the body completely forgot over centuries of genetic coding and living in systems that only support the mind, that the body is god, that the physical of which the body is, is god, so now the mind sitting at the top of this hierarchy system has made the body belief its inferior to the mind and for the body to get to the top of this INNER hierarchy system is almost impossible, yet all the body as the physical needs to realize is, that it is god.

The same way as the hierarchy system is created within we have created it without….

To be continued.

Day 452 – One Year later since Bernard Poolman’s Death





Wow, a year flies by like it was nothing, yet so much has happened in the past year since Bernard Poolman’s death. 

I am writing this blog tonight because this is the night a year ago that we all at the farm found out that Bernard just passed, and what a massive change this brought to the lives of all Destonians, all those that has been walking with Desteni and the principles of LIFE, as the example that Bernard stood as for us all to see that it is in fact possible for each one to do the same, in the most simplest ways.

Bernard Poolman stood as the point of evidence that change is possible, a change that is best for all life, a change that does not change once it is in place, a change that only moves to change what isn’t best for all life YET. 

and Bernard influenced Thousands of people, only a few came forth to walk this process openly and to change to be that living example, and I can say we are all still in this process of change, where we apply daily the simple tools of writing and self-forgiveness and living the change that is best for all life practically and moving ourselves to stand as the pillars of life, till all stand as life.

I lived with Bernard Poolman for just over five years and I have known him all my life, and through knowing Bernard Poolman not as a man but as a being walking a principle absolute in each and every breathe, I can say one thing. The example that I saw every day for five years in any sudden moment was so absolute I have never seen it anywhere else.

In the past year since Bernard’s Death I have faced challenges within myself, and in my life, where I used to get a simple common sense answer that is standing within what’s best for all life to help me and to support me through the points I am faced with from Bernard, I now had to do this all by myself, I had to take self-responsibility for myself in fact and live the example, become the example. 

I have fallen and I have stood and standing, I have seen that the way forward isn’t difficult but only one breathe at a time, it is to let go of all mind and to be here physically moving, it is to be that absolute point in each moment that is always here, which is the physical and to not falter within the mind.

After one year living without Bernard on the Farm I have greatly missed him and his presence, I am realizing that I only miss Bernard as I haven’t yet embraced all that he stood as, as myself in fact.

YET after one full year without Bernard the points that he shared with me and the understanding he showed me and the directions he gave me STILL stands the same, and these are the simple points I use to push myself to change myself to move forward.

I haven’t lost sight of what I am doing and why I am doing it as it is impossible to do so having had an example such as Bernard Poolman and to have seen him daily in any circumstances and within any sudden moment remaining the same and standing solid as the example of LIFE.

We as a group are still here after one year without Bernard Poolman, because we have seen the example, it is unchangeable, many got shit scared and their application within walking the journey to life has slowed down, many had gone, and many has come, many will never know Bernard or who he was and what he in fact did/started – there will only be a few who has known him directly and who has experienced and seen the example as life walking and moving as it. 

It is a responsibility to have had this opportunity to have lived and known Bernard and it is a responsibility not to praise or promote Bernard, but to stand as that living example in fact, because we had a taste of the cake we must now keep on changing our selves till we are the same cake, till we stand in fact and be the example for others to have the same opportunity, to have a taste of the cake and live to stand equal and one with and as it. Nothing less or more.

I am eternally grateful for Bernard Poolman and for myself that I have stood and walked, and I will not stop till what is best for all life exists within and as me as who I am as a living example and within the world. This is my life style, and I cannot accept anything less than what’s best for all life.

Thank you, we are dame okay.


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