How did I then develop self doubt through my life and why did I in particular accept and allow the doubting part of myself, the negative parts mostly/more.
This goes deeper as self doubt is a outflow of something else – Here I have to look at the bigger picture/reality of things, this means I have to go way back to the beginning where I was a baby and to within common sense assess for myself how this came to be.
In the beginning I was empty, I had genetics already that was passed on but in terms of my mind development there was nothing yet as thoughts/feelings/emotions, as they are all rooted from experiences that form memories that is stored within the physical body.
So now I can see it is a educational point, a point of how I was raised and what my environment impulse me with.
Since those are the first things that have “influence on me the moment I am born into this world.
So how as a child was doubt imprinted within me through my environment, I can assume and make things up and think about things that might have been, but I cannot remember YET!!
So I move back to basics, work with what is HERE, why is this the basics, because what is HERE as me as ALL of me is also the past, and my past present and my past futures and here I am as all of it the current manifestation, so I can see that who I am/have accepted and allowed myself to be as my past as the totality pf my past from the beginning of birth is still here as me.
So I will look at the present moment which includes my past and see direct.
I doubt myself in learning something new and that I will get it, I doubt myself as a Living being, I doubt myself within being able to handle LIFE, I doubt myself within expressing myself here, I doubt myself to let go, to breathe and to live, I doubt that I am more then what I am currently as I have always been who I am currently.
THERE is the point, I doubt that I can ever be more then who I am currently as I have always been who I am currently.
So here I see this part of me that is in doubt, I doubt that who I am as insecure will ever change, I doubt that who I am as fear will ever change, I doubt that who I am as all the thoughts/back chat I have will ever change, I doubt that I can even change as it always only feel like I have been adjusting instead of actually change.
So the doubt is rooted in all of me from birth till HERE, it is a general way of how I was raised and what was within my environment as the people and their behaviors towards me and the words they used and the attitudes and the set up of my environment I grew up in.
I see a point of when I was small – that those that has gone before me and that raised me always already had an IDEA/Belief and desired picture concept of me inside their heads that was constantly acted out towards me as who I should be as what they wanted me to be, expected me to be, and thus I was in those that raised me already molded to their Ideas/believes/hopes in their heads and could not be anything else already at that age.
I see the picture/memory – I am a little child standing in front of a bunch of adults, they are all looking at me and expecting something from me, I am supposed to sing and make them laugh/happy and I am apparently a good singer and cute they say, I do not want to do it, yet they are forcing me through creating Ideas in the group about me and how they believe me to be, so I believe it must be who I am thus I must now sing for the adults and make them happy/entertain them. I sing and I here remarks, It was great they say, they are laughing, I feel small and used – I don’t want to do that again.
In that memory I see how I can now create NO confidence in singing and where doubt is created in my ability to sing – this created no confidence over all and doubt within myself over all - as who I now have defined myself to be and Who I am, a good singer but yet I am laughed at and cute. The experiences was left within me to do with as I please as no one ever educated me on what feelings and emotions are and how they are created and where they come from. It’s a mess.
To be continued.