Day 38 - I looked up to you - till now.

I use to have a friend that I looked up to a lot, like I would actually be in competition with this friend, because I saw him as more than me and that he had more friends, people liked him, he was strong, and the whole group would decide on what his decisions were.

He could make jokes about anyone in the group that was downgrading, nasty or mean and he would get away with it as everyone would simply laugh at it, I became the same as I started mimicking his techniques and ways of behavior, I obviously added me own bits of ego to make it seem better and more.

Within all of this I have actually created fear and anxiety being in this friends presence, because I allowe3d him to make jokes of me, call me names and make me seem less than him, I accepted it as part of the relationship, that this is how it is, I will just have to take the punches, because I looked up to him.

I could have stopped it through not laughing at the jokes he make about me and feeding it, I could have stopped it through saying, that isn't funny, I could have stopped it through having a bit of conflict within taking the points on, but I did not, I allowe4d my friend to see himself as more than me, just so I can be his friend, I knew that if I did not allow it he would have tried to find different friends where h can be the Alfa so to say, but I wante3d him as a friend for my own self interest, he was my competition.

The only way I could have allowed it all within me was because I made myself believe it must be who I am, every time he made a comment on my physical design, or every time he would tease my intelligence or tease me for being bad in relationships or at sex, I knew none of it was true and everything he was saying was his interpretation and what he projected onto me from h8imself, but the fact that I allowed it shows me that I did identify myself with all those things in some way, and later on actually started manifesting myself according to his judgments towards me that I accepted first and then allowed as my own judgments.

So it did not matter what he said to me , it was about who I am, if I knew who I am then what he said would have had no influence on me at all, as who I am was already stable and standing as who I am, and thus as who I am could not be moved or influenced unless I accepted it and allowed it.

So the point is to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the separation and judgments as me, as believing it must be who I am if he says so, yet I always decide in the end.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to someone else as if they are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some humans are more than others, realizing that this can only exist if oneself judge oneself a certain way as being less than, instead of remaining here in the physical where all humans are exactly the same, made from flesh and bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place certain people more than myself and certain people as less than me, realizing that through this I am accepting and allowing those that I see as more than me to abuse and use me as they please and so I do the same with those that I see as less than me, Thus I realize it is to not create more or less according to ego and personalities as they are all simply energy formed entities that will die the same way at death, realizing it is to consider the physical where all humans are equal in all ways to the exact same physical elements and limitations with in the flesh and to accordingly live from this starting point as equals in all ways as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give some people that I judge as having special ego's due to observations I make in their lives as having more friends, having more jokes and better hair or more women/men as more than myself and others, thus I realize I am giving permission for such people through my own believes that I have created about them to abuse and use me and others as they please with out consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be humiliated in front of others within the starting point of ego as allowing myself to be downgraded by a friend that I judged and saw as being more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of friends/people that I have created as more than myself within my own mid, realizing that it is not real but created within me as my own opinions/judgments/ideas/believes and so lived in and as the physical through my actions based on my judgments.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that through accepting and allowing myself to create someone more than me or others I am giving them power over me and others to do what they want as their ego's and thus I realize I am the continuation of the ego that does not see live as equals but as more than life, and thus I realize i am the cause and affect of inequality through not realizing myself as equals to all that is here as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others and to judge others as less then myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that only I can be the creator of equality or inequality due to what I accept and allow to exist within me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed both ego's as mine and the other persons through my own self judgments of myself that supports both sides of the coin as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own fear within others through what I accept and allow within myself so to manifest within others through my behaviors as accepted and allowed self created nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create both polarities of the same coin as superior and inferior through my own self interest and survival as what I accept and allow within me to survive within this world and so to manifest outside of me in self interest, creating ego's that exist only for themselves no matter who they hurt or have to use to survive, even if you call them friends for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotional connection to the people I look up to in order to be able to use these emotion when i feel the relationship as my self interest if threatened to keep the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I can trust the people I look up to, realizing that I look up to them because I do not trust myself in the first place and so the thrust I place within them is emotional and not real trust that is based in space and time in and as the physical as that which is real that can be trusted through the test of time, and so I realize that those that I look up to is simply a point in my life that I have created to separate myself for them as being more so that I do not have to take full self responsibility for myself as who I am as I have created people I look up to, to define who I am for me, as this is un acceptable and not trust worthy as I must trust myself and define myself as life as that which I am in fact as life one and equal that is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop the separation of inferiority and superiority and to take self responsibility for myself as who I am as equals in and as the physical in all ways and to stop feeding the egos that is in disregard of life and only serve in self interest that is not best for all life but only seeking self fulfillment and energy to feed on.

I commit myself to to show and reveal the deception that friendship is based on within self interest and that all friendships are in fact based on abuse and jealousy of each other, as fiend use each other for their own self interest goals, as the proof is that people only make friends with people who have the same level of money within the system. As money determines friendships currently and friendships is where you seek out potential weaker people than yourself to only boost your won ego of self interest.

I commit myself to stop the separation of looking up and looking down on people and to instead stop the separation with8in myself and to live it as with outside of myself so that I may create that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop praising some egos as more than others and to judge some egos as being more than the physical, as the physical shows to use in all ways that all humans and life in its essence are the same, and thus the ego as the mind is irrelevant as it dies at death where the physical lives on, thus I commit myself to expose the ego as the illusion it is as the mind own self created delusion.

Day 37 - happy, do I have to pretend for you.

I have noticed a general point through out my life, when I am alone with myself or not around people I  know I can be okay,  but as soon as I am in a group of people or with family or friends, I have this weird expectation that I MUST BE HAPPY, like I have to be happy or everyone is going to think something terrible is wrong with me.

So I have come to put on a mask, pretending to be happy every time I am in the presence of others I know, I have to be alive and moving and talking and laughing, It really tires a person out and actually leads to depression after a while, also I experience fear when I am around people I know and that I might not "LOOK" happy, just because I do not look happy does mean I have to be sad, what If I am not either, this is actually better because then I can actually enjoy myself as myself and others and not having to maintain and sustain a feeling the whole fucking time to look happy for others for some reason.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am happy everything is okay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use happiness as a way to hide the sadness just so that others will not feel I am spoiling their day and end up having people avoiding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe happiness is real  when I am clearly pretending to be happy just for others sake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and compromise myself through pretending to be happy just for the sake of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am pretending to be happy then that means most people must be doing the same because we all live in the same world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you can be happy in a world that is clearly fucked up that you have a special ability, realizing that special ability is called suppression and denial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use happiness as a way to avoid what is here in my face as reality everyday, instead of dealing with it and to deny it and let it grow bigger and bigger in the darkness like fungi.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my real experience of myself from other through pretending to be happy, realizing that through this I am accepting and allowing them to also continue pretending and to live a false and fake life where we all keep on pretending till the world ends by our own doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe hat if I am not happy something is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by movies and television where they always portray that if you are not happy something is wrong with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness is all that life is about,  realizing that I can actually grow tired of being happy as an energetic experience and thus it is not withstanding the test of space and time, and thus I realize that it is to be here with myself in each breath with in a physical enjoyment of myself as all life equally as a expression of life one and equal, doing what is best for all life in all ways, as this can with stand the test of time in all ways as it is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear that others will see I am not "happy" because of the expectation I have created that other only want to see me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear/anxiety when I do not meet up with other peoples expectations of me as being happy, and that they will see that I am not expressing myself as being happy and feel sad and down themselves, realizing that I am not responsible for how other people experience themselves within themselves but only for myself, and so as all do this we will have a stable reliable society where we all can be true to one another as we are true to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to present myself to others in a happy mood just to be polite.

I commit myself to be happy for myself as who I am, not within a energetic mind set of happiness that relies on polarity that only feeds the mind consciousness system that supports the current way of life that is abusive and destructive, to live a happiness as being comfortable with myself as I am true with myself as breathe in and as the physical one and equal as the creator.

I commit myself to stop pretending to be happy just for others, and to also not go into polarity as sadness but to remain here with myself as breath as physical enjoyment with what is here.

I commit myself to expose the false happiness that we as a human race has created as a living CON- dition where we pretend in each others faces every day that everything is okay, yet we all die inside because we know we are slaves to a system and that we are actually not happy with what we have accepted and allowed to exist in thisworld, and to end the happy face where we say in each others faces, I am fucking with you right now because I do not dare say, everything is not okay.

I commit myself to stop denying the truth of my accepted and allowed world and to stop the suppression of my experiences through pasting on a happy fake face to everyone in my world, and to rather stand up for life one and equal as that which is best for all life so that true happiness can be born for all equally, where I know my happiness isn't a feeling energy that relies on a deceptive life style but that it is a happiness of self honor and respect where I know all life is the same as me here, as this can only be achieved within a equal money system, and thus I commit myself to create true happiness for all through supporting, establishing the equal money system in my life time here on earth.

Day 36 - The hesitation invasion

Today I was working with the wood cutting table/machine, it has a sharp round blade that spins extremely fast, then it has a small flat surface around where you lay the wood on, you have to then take the wood you want to cut and push it through and the blade cuts it.

As I was working with the table, which I have used many times before, so I was confident, I started looking at my actions while I was using the table, I saw that every time I am done cutting a piece of wood I swing my arm over and near the blade to chuck the wood on the other side, I then suddenly realized I can cut my finger/hand/arm off anytime I am not aware of what I am doing or if I simply just the one time do not lift my arm high enough over the table.

So  I saw the point of that my hand/arm can get cut through the way I was working as a practical observation and instead of simply correcting myself I went into thoughts and I had fear. The fear wasn't there when I made the observation, it only came once the mind as thoughts kicked in. (allowing it)

As I continued cutting I now had fear within me and thoughts, the thoughts was based on projections of what could happen, how can it happen, and through having these thoughts I started getting uncomfortable with my body and how I am positioned, how I am using it and so the compromising started.

As I was compromised within the fear I started hesitating in ever cut I made in the wood, what happened next was the wood started getting stuck in the machine and kicking back at me and shooting pieces of wood at my face.

This I where I stood still and  realized I have now created something happening, such as me hurting myself.

I stopped and I breathed and this is when the word came to me "hesitation" as I realized the word I started looking at myself and where I hesitate, as the hesitation was allowing and accepting the fear and  everything else that came with it.

I was successful in stopping the hesitation and the fear through breathing and applying myself in the moments as I was doing it in my actions, this was great, I started working in consideration of myself and my actions and so released my actions of the fear and hesitation, I became better in cutting the wood than I ever was, I was cutting wood twice as fast and as I wanted it, because I have practically changed the point within me and without, thus as I was able to stop the fear I was able to stop the hesitation and so I was able to see practically what to do and apply.

I finished all the firewood cuttings before work time was done and I bagged it all and carried it to the house. As before I would have probably taken another hour more.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts when and as I observe a practical point of consideration, instead of breathing and simply correcting myself, realizing that through going into thoughts and thinking about the point and imagining what could happen and how that I am creating fear.

I forgive myself that have not realized that when I go into thoughts and thinking and imagining things I am actually creating the fear within myself, realizing that it is not necessary as I can simply through the physical observation see what I practically have to apply and change with out using the mind or any fear to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to make myself fearful of something through participating in the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagination to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself through participating in the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagining about events/scenarios that can play out with in the event of observing a specific point that holds potential abuse/danger/destruction to myself or others, instead of realizing that imagining or thinking or going into thoughts isn't necessary as I have already physically observed it with in common sense and thus through that understanding I can change and re direct what I am doing to be save and in consideration of myself and what I am doing in awareness.

Hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I participate with in thought/thinking and the imagination of future events/scenarios that can play out and I accept and allow fear to be created within in my participation that I am in fact creating hesitation with in me and as my actions within the fear of the thoughts or imagined events playing out, realizing that through the hesitation I become clumsy and do not stay focused as I am possessed by fear/thoughts/thinking/imagination and so I give permission for the events to happen take place and manifest as real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe and remain here in and as the physical with in awareness when I observe a certain play out or event or scenario that could happen through my UN-aware actions and to simply stop and change to that which is practical with in common sense and best for all life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in my actions through what I have created with in and as participating in my mind as thoughts/thinking/imagination and thus fear, realizing that I gave away my trust to the mind as saying that the mind is real and right and that it will probably happen and so hesitate in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to stop and change in a single moment and that I require to create scenarios/events within myself to create fear and to only change once I have fear, realizing that through creating the fear my actions are poisoned an thus it will infect what I do and open up opportunities for the fear to manifest as I hesitate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal as the minds creator to give myself the authority to stop the mind as the creator in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from the mid, realizing that I am the creator and thus I must take self responsibility one and equal as the creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that happens in the mind is happening to me, realizing that I as the creator is accepting and allowing it to be so, as it is my mind in my head who I am.

I commit myself to when I see I go into the mind as thoughts/thinking and imagining future events/scenarios to stop and breathe and realize that it isn't necessary as I can simply look at the physical and consider all points as myself and to accordingly with in common sense change and apply what is practical and best for all life.

I commit myself to stop when I see I am giving my trust away to fear and to bring myself back here through breathing and seeing that it is not a point of fear but a fact, and so apply myself in practical ways within and as the physical to what works practically as that which is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to prove to myself that all fear as the ego as mind consciousness system is in fact not what is best for all life, through exposing how the mind imposes itself onto the physical and thus manifest the fears and internal realities that inst real as the physical functions and thus how we create the world and why we are in fact destroying earth and life.

Day 35 - Your truth.

I have been listening to the one song of Robot Virgins "your truth", I was walking to the tanks while I was listening to the song and I suddenly had a couple of tears, tears that did not have emotion or feeling.

I experienced the tears as a release, I did not hold back, the words hit me when I realized I have accepted my truth of myself as all my self judgements, that I never gave myself a chance to see how big I really am as life.

I saw how I have trapped myself in so many self judgments and fears that I could never have seen myself without it, as I have decided with in myself that I am the self judgments and fears, yet it isn't who I am it is what the mind believes, Who I am yet has to be born as life one and equal by myself.

The question that came up for myself was, will I ever give myself a chance to see who I really am/can be, without the fear and without the self judgments, not in separation, as the creator one and equal.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be anything else but my own self judgements and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my own self judgments and fears, realizing that as I can create myself according to my own self judgments and fears  so can I create myself as I decide who I am as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give myself a chance to see who I am without fear and self judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I have defined myself as from the past as self judgments and fear is set in stone, realizing it is only so if I say so and believe so, and thus in oneness and equality I have the same power to undo it through self forgiveness and walking the correction and re-birth myself as life as I decide who I am in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to be anyone else besides that which I have judged myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing who I have defined myself as all my self judgements and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to fear when I see the chance is here for me to change and to not take the window of opportunity to change as that which is best for all lifeas life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself small with in my own self created fears and self judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and seeing who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I really am as Life one and equal is to big for me to handle, yet I have never given myself the chance through my own self judgments and fears, realizing through self forgiveness and writing I can stand and I can see who I am as life one and equal, thus it is not an effort but who I am as an expression as life.

I forgive myself that I have only given power to fear and self judgments in the face of standing up and seeing who I really am as life one and equal and to never see the truth for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself the understanding of what it means to stand up as life one and equal with in practicality through giving myself the chance to apply myself actually, realizing that if I give into fear and self judgments I will only remain in hiding and never find out my truth, yet I understand that the truth is only the denial of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and to see how big I really am as life one and equal through the fear of what others might do to me, realizing that they can not do anything to me as life as who I am, but only that the ego and mind and self judgments and fears can get hurt as they are not real and of energy existing in polarities as positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to give myself a chance to see how big I really am as life one and equal and what I can do as life as that which is best for all life as myself.

I commit myself to reveal the mind as the evil is it as self judgments and fear, not to separate self from the mind but to stand as the creator through understanding in oneness and equality.

I commit myself to expose all fears and self judgment in the light of self honesty as I reveal the darkness of the mind where I have defined myself as, and to show that who we really are is LIFE and thus we have to take self responsibility as life one and equal as the creators.

I commit myself to give myself a real chance and not half assed chances so that I will never have an excuse to why i did not give myself a chance to set myself free from mind created delusions as self judgments and fears and thus set all life free as myself one and equals through establishing an equal money system as the real actual chance this life for all life so we all can see how big we really are as life one and equal as creators.