Father to be - Define father Day 327 Part 2

Continuing from Define Father Day 325 part 1

To be clear, these blogs about fatherhood and looking into my past isn’t to define what is a bad father or a good father, it is to look at where does the father construct in me come from, it is to learn and see those that has gone before me so that I can see myself and what I have learned. This is not about my father, or other fathers, it’s about me and my inner process and to change that.
Continuing from my previous blog on this topic, I am now going to take a look at when I was still a kid and I had friends and how their fathers sounded like through how the kids talked about their fathers and what their fathers is in comparison to how my father was,,,, as this created a lot of new definitions that I connected to what a father must be or can be or should be.

I remember in school as a young child kids used to come from the weekends and they would share with the other kids what they did, and a lot of the stories would be what the boys did with their fathers, this would be activities like camping and fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boat rides and all the things that dads would do with their sons, like teaching their kids what and how to do things, and usually my weekend stories would out using barbeque or just being at home or me walking in the streets and exploring the town I lived in by myself.

Through this interactions I felt that I was missing out on a lot, i did not get any of that from my dad every weekend, we went camping, but once a year maybe, and the other activities like fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boats never happened, we did not have all those things to start off with in the first place, this in general made me feel less than the others, like I was less skilled and less of a Man, inferior if you will.

I remember saving up money that I got every month that wasn’t a lot, to go and buy myself fishing equipment, because I wanted to see what it is to fish and how it is done, I knew so little about fishing that I saved up very little money, I had just enough to buy a roll of fishing line and a hook and sinker, I went to the shop with my dad, because I asked him and thought this is how it is supposed to be, me and my dad getting fishing stuff, it ended up with my dad staying in the car and me going into the shop and buying what I thought I needed, I got the stuff and I once again thought it was good, my dadjust asked if I got everything, your line and hook, I said yes, and he said ok so now you must just go and see if you can catch a fish, I then took my fishing equipment one weekend to the dam that was but a hundred meters away from our house at the harbor, I put the hook on the like and the I put it in the water, I sat there for at least an hour and said to myself it isn’t really working and quite, never went back.

I learned how to ride bike from my dad and my grandfather, and I learned how to swim from my father and other family members, but I can say within those basic lines my dad helped a lot.

Overall the point I am exposing within these writings are what I have seen and defined as to what a father must be, and it isn’t a fact, it isn’t something written in a book somewhere of what a father must be, this all comes from observations and from interactions within my world.
My father was a good father in terms of what one knows about being a father the way I learned, we all learn from those that has gone before us. My Life was easy and nice and wonderful, if I compare it to what other people have/had in this world.
Is it the right way? Is it the wrong way? No it isn’t, there is no right or wrong, there is doing what’s best for all life, raising a child must be raising a human being to live what’s best for all life, and that means that the child must be all the child can be. And this is where the Mother/Father roles come in, to be the example. A living example.
Back to the topic, what I noticed here as well is, I never saw as a kid the awesome skills I learned from being on my own, from hanging out with myself a lot and keeping myself occupied and learning about things by myself, how to be creative and how to not have fear. How to stand on my own and how to be responsible for myself to a certain point though.
So my dad did teach me through not teaching me all the things other dad’s apparently taught their children, I say apparently because I don’t know for fact, it was always just hear/told from and by the other kids.
So now fatherhood becomes a comparison, a competition, can I be the best dad, a better dad, will my child be all knowing and strong and independent and knowing how to do all these things, and this is what I can see I created through all the observations, because through the observations I create fears within myself and within that I have already made decisions on how I am going to raise my child one day or not, according to my fear, which is not best for all.
To be continued.

Late for work, NEVER - Day 326

I am early at work every Day, not just five minutes, but half an hour, I just hang around there,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going "there" and to be late for work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my response to being late at work towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I will be seen for being late at work by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it ass NOT being within my Character to be late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so early every morning out of the fear of being in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be as a reaction/energy experience of myself when I might be in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself for being very defensive when I might be in trouble in trouble and unpleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about being late and that if I am late I am less then who I can be as an Idea of being perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do, instead of seeing and realizing that Who I am determines what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and to create myself through my actions while I still leave who I am as the same, seeing and realizing how this will always pull me back to the same path as before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up for the mere possibility of being late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job just for being late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am late I will not be able to be there to be handy within doing something such as opening the doors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I want to be early so that I can feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that I am attempting to control my entire life and everything happening in it, which is not possible and why I tense up and stress as soon as I am just 5 more minutes late then usual. Because I fear losing that Idea of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a control freak, seeing and realizing that it is irrational Fear hat leads to irrational actions, which is self compromising, instead of taking simple physical actions of prevention for being late that does not require fear but common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within irrational thoughts/behaviors from and as what I fear that is from past experiences as memories, which is the past.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in fear of being late to stop and to breathe and to instead asses the physical and take presentational actions.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am attempting to take physical actions that is from and as irrational thoughts of fear to stop and to breathe within the realization that I am attempting to control things outside of myself, instead of having the self control to stop fear and to move myself one and equal within and as the physical.

Father to be- Define Father - Day 325 Part 1

I realized after the self-forgiveness that I am writing in circles because I haven’t written out my actual experience in relation to becoming a father, and what my reaction are towards the word father and why.

I am going to write all of that out tonight and then continue on the self-forgiveness then as it will be more specific and not just based on floating information but constructive.

Currently I am not yet realizing the facts YET about what it means to be a father, I still only have Ideas and beliefs and definitions from my past of what it should be, or what it is supposed to be to be a father.

I have all these fears and definitions but it is useless writing them out if I cannot see how I have created them and where they come from and why I made them.

The first impression I had from what it means to be a father is obviously from my own father, the person I was raised to call father, and what I learned and how I have defined father and being a father was from my own father's actions and secondly his words, I connected action to the words that was used, it is how i remember how I defined them, not using words to define actions, that is impossible actually lol. You can’t hear a word and live it, there must be an example first.

here is my first definition of what a father is supposed to be, an Example for the child, An example is a living thing, a action, it is what one show to another what you have and are living and why/how/when/where/who/what etc. from my memories and what i can recall from my father and how he was as a example, he wasn’t really much around for us, so my definition from my father of father is where the father isn’t really around much, the father does not play a big role in raising the child, the father is out and working and bringing money into the home for us to be able to be raised and have a home and all those things, I only saw my father late at nights, and usually when he comes home I did not see him, I was either sleeping or playing with my brothers, this was during the week.

Part of the definition is that the father must obey the mother's words and that the father will always obey what is asked from the mother, this part comes in where my mom used to threaten us with my father and for when he comes home, so I have defined part of being a father as being the scary one, the one that must discipline and hit the children when it is asked of the mother, I have also defined father as being the person you fear, the person you don’t want to come home, the person that is consequences, the person that makes everything serious.

I see it like this, my father was never home but when he was home it was like a stranger that now suddenly has to punish you for what your mother asked of him.

I remember when I used to get saw of hurt myself that I would only call for my mom, even when my father was right there and ready to help, I would run past him or scream past him for my mother.

Here I can see fears coming to surface as i write the fear of being in my father’s position, not by choice but because of work and all the physical things that is taking place that forms such relationships.

I fear not being there for my child and that all I will be seen as will be a unpleasant experience, a fear, a consequence, a hurt, a stranger, and that my child will forget about me and not even know me till much later when the child is older and have been brainwashed to understand what a father is (the person who’s sperm created you with the mothers egg).

My father was busy all the time at work, I knew who he was as a symbol, not as a being, I know he smiled and looked tired all the time and just wanted piece and quite when he came home, I know he was in arguments with my mom quite a lot, My dad was always the one that had to only hear what happened during the day while my mother was taking care of the three of us (boys) and how my mother would tell my dad what we did and how we must be discipline and punished, and how my father would defend us and not really want to punish us, but my mother always won for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad as it might sound, what I mean is - the words being used that people have defined as evil and criminal and abusive such as “punish” – “discipline” – “screaming”. It was quite okay, but yet the example was all the things I observed from my father’s actions/words and what a father is then, and my mother, but I am focusing on the father point.

From this I have learned that mothers are always right and fathers are always wrong, fathers must keep the mother happy or there is hell on earth, fathers must work all day and come home and listen to the mother even though the father really does not care lol.

I have learned by example that the father is the good guy in being the bad buy, like a weapon, you fear it because of the fact it can be used as a weapon by somone else, and all the actions from the father is forced by the mother and that the father does not really want to do it, but has to.

The mother will have peace if the children are crying after punishment from the father. I started seeing more and more of my father as I grew up, as I was able to go to bed later and later and have more time during the day to do stuff, well night.

This is where I also started having more fun with my dad in weekends and having talks with my dad and sitting with my dad outside and just wonder about the universe, and how he would play music and smoke or read a book most of the time.

My dad started sharing with me more and more stuff, mostly about what he has red and his philosophies and theories and politics and so forth, I never really understood it, but that is what I got from my father, a father must be knowledgeable. A father must be reading a lot and be quite and be stable and be able to talk and be open about any conversation and even be inviting to expand on what to talk about and how to see the world and everything. I observed that my father was always very clean and neat, he kept his stuff always on a certain spot where he knew he would find it, he would be very organized and have routines, it worked for him and he stick to them, my dad also had a dancing side, he would listen rock and roll music and dance around a bit, well move his body and just enjoy the music. my father was able to cook and clean and he was very loose on raising us, he basically allowed us to do what we want with certain conditions that was purely precautions, after having talks with my mother first lol, he did not like to go out much, every now and again he would like to go to a movie, but mostly my dad was on saving money and not spending it on stuff that does not really matter but is purely for pleasure, although as a father that must be given to the mother to have a happy life lol – from this I can see I have defined this as being responsible.

To be continued. .

Day 324 – The Word father and Me Part 1

Father, or in Afrikaans it is Fader. I used to call my Father Dad or as it is in Afrikaans Pa. now I am soon to be a Father/dad and I am reacting to the word Father, as being called father. Reacting is either a Positive or a negative. So I will look at both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word Father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative energetic emotion to the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a Positive energetic feeling to the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word father in relation to me through connecting a negatively charged energetic emotion within and as the world in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I hear the word father in relation to me through connecting a positively charged energetic feeling within and as the word in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to other people calling me father.
Ok so now that was focused just on the word father. Now I am going to go into my relationship towards the word father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear the word father to react within and as a negative energetic experience of myself as not being capable of being a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative Idea/perception of the word father to being responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being incapable of being a responsible father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create Ideas and beliefs about being a father that is of the mind as energy as projections and not based on reality as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create ideas/Beliefs/projection of what it means to be a father as being responsible for a child that to be a father I must be a Statue, a Picture, an Idea to my child that isn’t real/true but to be this False Image to present to my child for what I want my child to think of me instead of being a real responsible father through being HERE in and as the physical supporting and assisting my child as being the example within Who I am so that my child can create who He/she will be within what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be a cold statue that presents an image of who I am to my child such as what I am doing such as working and making money and being away from home all day and coming home late and not having the energy and time for my child as that is what a father is and must be and to connect this and already create this within what father means and what I must teach my child for what father means, seeing and realizing that this is the System Father figure/image and thus only a pre-programmed design to enslave and control people and that I do not have to fallow or live this father image/idea, I can breathe and be here as the physical and move and direct myself in each breathe and not as a system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that for me to be a father I must be following the Idea/image of what fathers currently are within the world, the providers and the ones always away, and the one that does not raise the child and have that much time for the child and that must rest when home and not spend time with the child and that has too much work and things on his mind and that as long as the father brings home money then the child will be happy. Seeing and realizing that it is all practical within the current system as what the father does, YET I do not have to define myself as it as who9 I am and that I do not have to follow it all as what I see it might be, that I can decide who I am within it all.

To be continued.

Day 323 – I want to do something NOW – what activates activists.

I am what people will call an Animal lover, I would acre for animals before I care for humans, I would put animals before humans basically, I would put nature and forests and rivers and the ocean before I put anything about humans first.

This came to me since a child, since I was very young, I found poisonous snakes better to play with then with humans, I enjoyed finding bugs and animals and playing with them before I would go for a human, humans always had this extra thing to them, they weren’t what they seemed. With animals I knew what I got. Because they did not hide it, they did not have to hide it, they were simply animals.
Nature was always fun to be with, playing with the trees and climbing them and crawling in the grass and playing in the mud and in the sand, nature was/is always cool, don's get airy faily ideas about nature now, there is dangers/harshness.

But I got over my shit I had with and towards humans, I started making friends pretty late and I always found it hard, I did not know how to be and mostly felt out of place. With nature I could smell, I could be wild and natural which is not having to car about what cloths I have on (if any lol) what my hair looks like, how I behave and acted, how I make noises and all those things)and that in itself takes away any extra stress and fears and all the bullshit I now think of daily and have to deal with, since I now only am around humans.

I grew up in a small town with just about 600 people, It was extremely quite in the entire town and there were still a lot of open fields next to the houses, as it wasn’t populated much, and I could run in them and play in them, I started walking the streets all alone since I was eight years old, from whenever till late and come back.

I only had to be around kids during school time, which was always weird for me, I was mostly comfortable around girls and being with girls, since they did not have that whole ego thing going such as most of the boys, I got laughed at for not playing sport and enjoying the sports they enjoyed, I was forced to play rugby by the school and group pressure, I later on enjoyed athletic a lot and tennis.
Basically I grew up with nature for the first thirteen years of my life till we moved to a different place, a city, where there are millions and only concrete during the day.

I used to get really mad/angry when I saw fields burning, since I played in the fields a lot and knew what was living in them, such as the antelopes and the bunnies and turtles and snakes and all the billions of bugs and birds eating in the fields and making nests even in the tall grass, and the moles.

I tried going to the bits of fields I saw was still available in the city, it was impossible to there without hard shoes, that has thick soles, as there was rubbish laying everywhere, glass and cans and plastic bags and all kinds of weird shit, sometimes I even found animal skin laying in the fields.

I used to built up a lot of anger, because I had a bit of a different education then those living in the city, I understood a simple thing such as a field and what it actually means and what is in it, and through seeing the fields in the city, I got really pissed, because I could see the people in the city does not CARE, but I did not consider they did not know, still that is no excuse anyway.

At a later stage in my life I would take plastic bags and I would go around and clean all the fields I could, I piled up a lot of bags in our back yard, BUT it never worked, all it took was one weekend and the exact same mess was there again.

This was only the beginning.

Then I started exploring the internet more and more, and I got to see beyond my own back yard, I got to see what’s happening all around the world, in all of the corners of our planet.

Especially now that I am with Desteni and Equal Money System, I have been more sp3ecific in my research and to also check the information I get.

The more information I am gathering of what’s happening to our planet and how fast the more and more I feel powerless, the more and more I feel there is really nothing we can do any more, the more I feel that I just want to destroy the planet and get it all over with, because all I see and all that there is for all life currently is a slow and brutal way of torture and abuse as the way of life currently is, Yet I do understand within walking with Equal Money System and to solutions that is HERE, that there is a way, There is NO HOPE, hope has already been lost, there is now only a way to FIX what we have done, to then Create a new world.

Because I specifically keep my eyes on the Natural resources of earth and what is still here on a regular basis, I can see within the past 5 years how it is getting worse and worse, for instance the Finishing of our forests and the extinction of animals and how some animals such as the Rhino/Cheetah/Lion/polar-Bear/Tigers/elephants/orangutan are closer and closer to extinction and that if Nothing happenings it will happen right in front of my eyes in my life time.

I sometimes feel like standing up and going crazy, taking myself out there and Fighting and protesting and having revolution and how I can save the animals, how I can protect them, how I can end what’s happening to them.

YET the evidence of such actions has proven itself useless within many many years of proof. So this has come a long way, since I was a kid, and now how it is escalating, how it is only getting worse, how the feeling of powerlessness and wanting to help all together creates this anger, this hate for the world (not earth) and how those two emotions can fuck it all up for me from ever truly doing anything f I had to follow them, because I now have seen the solution, it isn’t the one everyone prefer as it takes time and in time more and more animals/fish/oceans/forest will get abused/tortured and meet destruction in the time that it will take to have an actual permanent solution to the actual problem.

Human nature is the problem, human nature created money, and money now is running human nature, and because of this system we have that we all survive in, we can use money and our nature as a human to justify what we are doing for the sake of self-interest which is Fear which is fear for survival.

So we need to create a new system that is something completely different and that supports LIFE and where we live by principals – that which is best for all life in all ways, I cannot give the solution here ion one blow, I will give a links and that is where the solutions are, Investigate it and do not sacrifice your ability to change this world and to create a new world through going out and exposing yourself to the elite as who you are as an activist, that way they can control you and tag you and mark you and that way you will be made useless in the system. For instance revolutions/drastic actions/aggressive behavior etc.

There is a way and the right way and it is what most people want to fail at doing because it actually required dedication and patience and real action as a activist. Taking on the root problem the same way it controls everything, Politics/economics/government democracy.

Places for real activism to have real solutions.

Desteni
Equal Money System
Economics Journey to Life.
7 Year Journey to Life
Capitalism versus Equal Money.

and then Join us in the stand.