Desteni - a Trip into South Africa, and some Dance Music (7 songs)

Day 564 – I don’t want to take the time to be Specific

All my life I enjoyed just opening up my mouth and speak, I loved not having to consider things in time and then speak about it. I enjoyed this because It asked little to not effort from me. Man did I hate making effort to be specific. It did not matter if it was school work, if it was doing sport, if it was talking to people on subjects. Me shooting out words, or styles of doing things that required no effort, no time to sit and actually figure things out, see things differently, to come to a common understanding within points or how to do things which can be transferred to others in specificity.
Ever since I started my Process I have struggled to be specific within any of my writings, even though I see the points clearly, putting it on writing or explaining it to someone else has been such a struggle and it always feel like I am just missing the point. This obviously has to do with my level of vocabulary and my school years of development. But that’s no longer an excuse, and yet I find this pattern that I have lived for so long to still creep in to most of what I want to express myself within.

So ones again I am facing myself as my patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having to give/spend my time on becoming and being specific within everything I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am busy with something new to only take in the Idea/concept and to within that run with what I make of it, not giving myself the time and space to actually sit down or go run or jump or whatever is required of me to really get specific and to really test out the concept/idea till I can live/express it within specificity to be able to give over what I have learned and seen to others equally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t seen and realized that me not specifying myself is me making myself special within my mind as I have develop an unspecified character that I cannot explain or give over to others in words or skills, as a way of remaining within self-interest and unique.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain nonspecific without ever questions myself why or how I have come to create myself that way and to keep on living within such a character and placing a feeling of enjoyment within being such a character, seeing and realizing that this is me abdicating self-responsibility and my responsibility to the c=greater good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be specific within myself and what I do, how I create myself is as long and boring unnecessary process and that I can just keep winging it till I get it, seeing and realizing that this is the mind sabotaging me from stopping the mind having control and authority over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR losing the comfort of my current character that is nonspecific through actually focusing on myself in each breathe as how I am creating myself and who I am within each moment within living the principles of Desteni and to actually make it a mathematical equation that I can show/teach and give to others to do/live the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is impossible for me to be specific.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing within developing myself to be specific and to within this lose a lot of time that could have been spend me just winging things and getting the same results as failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up for failure within myself within my definition of myself as what I have accepted and allowed as the mind for so long and to project that within the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the challenges that I might and will face on my way within specifying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself within my journey of specifying myself and that I can do it – and that there is help, support and assistance all around me if I ask.

Day 563 - Hating to be around People/humans

Ok, so I must admit, I do not enjoy being around other people, that’s just me being honest – OH wait, Honesty is actually me lying to myself, because when I really look at it, I do not hate being around other people, I must now really get to being self-honest with myself, to dig deeper than that feeling I am hiding behind and keep using as excuses and reasons and justification for why I am the way I am, OH yes, being self-honest is looking beyond those comforting points, if you dare you might have a moments scare, but I am telling you that if you push through to being self-honest, to look beyond the feelings and emotions and thoughts and to see what is really the issue here. It comes back to MYSELF always.

So I have an experience inside of MYSELF when I am around other people, that is the first indication, the feeling/emotions/experience is within me, my thoughts are keeping it there in place, and some random memory that I have no clue of is running in the back ground where I defined myself within a certain moment within around people/humans in the past that is now still playing out in the present. So what is it that I have created within me as not liking and thus hating about being around other human beings? Answering those questions for myself, I will find that it will reveal points within me that I have separated myself from and thus created friction within my reality, which started first within me. So let’s dig in with Self forgiveness to get to see creation being undone as what isn’t best for all including myself in action and re-birthing self as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed This HATE to just exist within me when and as I am around other people, seeing it as normal and just as who I am naturally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question this “natural me” that I have been living for a long time as not liking and thus hating being around other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this “not liking” and thus hating being around other human being about other human beings instead of taking the point back to myself and to see who I am within being around other human beings that create this hate within me of being around them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other human beings within myself as being so different and not the same, that when I am around other human being I am in a constant state of denial and separation, which I know is me not standing one and equal as others and to face myself as others and thus I create a friction within me of hating other human beings for what they are showing of me to myself that exist within this world that I must equally take self-responsibility for within myself as all life, to truly be able to stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that me hating being around other human beings is me hating myself as who I am around other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my inner conflicts and mind bullshit onto other human beings, no matter how bad or shit other humans may be, what I am experiencing within myself as judgment and gossip is what is making human beings shit and bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am around other people to not want to hear them gossip and talk about other people as it tires me out and becomes a burden within me to have to listen to this. Not seeing and realizing that when and as I am listening to other human gossiping or talking about other people that I am in my mind doing exactly the same thing as what I am judging them for, thus I am not liking who I am within such a situation.

I commit myself to when and as I am around other people that gossip and talk about other people To stop any form of judgment within me toward them and what they are doing and to breathe an focus on being here as the correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to how people talk about other people in the open or in secret towards me or with others and to within this reaction that I have not like myself and thus not like giving away my authority as Breath to stand as the solution and thus to not like myself being around other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am around other people and their behavior is that of the mind, which is sexual, degrading, or very blunt with what is going on in their mind within their behavior, to feel intimidated as I have judged them within my mind as less than me and as not ‘decent” human beings – where I gossip in my mind and placing myself above them, where their behavior is attempting to bring me down within my mind, seeing and realizing that this is me separating myself from the accepted and allowed nature of the human within myself where I have sunned away those parts within myself and thus have not yet dealt with myself as who I am as that behavior to effectively direct and deal with others within such a behavior and thus create the idea/belief that I hate being around other people/humans as a way to hide from that part of myself that I must still stand one and equal to as myself.

I commit myself to when and as I am within a situation where people are within behaviors that I have judged as not decent and that isn’t nice, to take such a moment and to stop the point within me as separation, to now not participate but to take the points of reactions I see and to see why I react, to realize that they are showing me a part of me that I can now challenge within myself to forgive and to stand from within and to live as the correction where I enable myself to also help others to correct themselves as I live it for myself, to stop all judgment and to actually take on myself as all life that is here one and equal.

Day 562 - Going to/into the City

 when I am at home, I am more "myself" so to say, I can be relaxed and move myself accordingly. I can be aware of my breathing and my thoughts and I can stop them quite well and direct myself in moments where I am facing conflict with my internal reality and my external to equalize myself. yet when I am scheduled to go into the City and the time has arrived for me to go, there is a change within all of me, not any specific energy that I can pinpoint, but I do know it is a character that is in a way an entity takeover, so besides me changing my cloths and what I wear to go to the city, there is also a change of myself. this is obviously not trust worthy. as this is unpredictable and not me directing me in clarity within principles of Desteni/Life.

so it must be questioned and Self forgiveness must take place to change this pattern and to remove this character that is NOT for me but against me, not for LIFE or even a seed/creation of Life, but of and as the mind, the life sucking virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity from and of survival where I make it a positive experience within myself to go to the city, to suppress the negative/fear of who I am when I am in the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience within myself of being in the city and who I am within the city and to within this seek out only the positive when I am in the city, thus consuming and finding entertainment and distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a bipolar character within who I am when and as I go to the city, as a love hate relationship and thus having both polarities as my experience towards the system that is deceptive and abuse yet have all these fun things that money only can afford and only some, and thus deceive myself within experiencing one thing and living out another. I see and realize that I can live and be in a city and at the same time be absolutely real with myself and do not need to hide anything form myself and that this will in fact empower me to take authority and be the directive principle of who I am and how I direct myself within this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an Idea that the city is a great place to just get away from myself to lose myself in all the distractions that the system has placed so nicely for the humans to be distracted even if abuse and harm is happening all around everyone all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brutally self-honest with myself and my participation as who I am within being in the city and to see everything for what is actually is, a mind created system to feed off of everyone. Imagine here the human batteries in the Matrix movie all stacked like in a city formation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel saver to just deceive myself within looking at a city and being in a city that there is "good" within it, because it looks beautiful and gives me good feelings and comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just go into the city but to also go into a character of the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a character without notice when and as I am going into the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my breathe awareness when and as I go into the city, as if the city is making me lose my breath, seeing and realizing that I am losing my focus, my awareness within going into the IDEA of the city within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into Survival mode when and as I go into the city, within the IDEA that when one is within the city that it is an all-out survival game that one must participate within to survive as an energetic experience and within ones behaviors of the body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “feel” as if the City is pressuring me to go into a character that fits into the city within the Idea of the City and that the city is an all-out survival game that I must take part in to survive in the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this Idea within my mind due to how I observe the City and what is happening within the city and to within this observation act out on what IDEA I have created and thus create a City Idea Character that takes over as I go into the City and to lose focus on my breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my breath and to within this give trust over to an entity that I have created to take me over through my authority of acceptance and allowance within energy as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I focus on breathing instead of on living a character of the City, that I will lose, that I will not survive and that I will be abused and harmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the City and everything within the City as against me as Breath, as all the people, distractions and the general energy of fear and survival and to within this rather give into the distractions, energies through letting the character as the City entity take me over where Breath is shallow and barely living, taking on the zombie mode of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as breath where ever I am, in the City or not, and to move myself as breathe as life, as the correction that is sorely needed in this world, and that I must live this change, because who else will If I simply accept and allow a city character/entity to take over and live for me just like everyone else.

I commit myself to when and as I go to the city to go as breath, as me here and to remain within awareness, and to through walking this correction prove to myself first that me here as breath is in fact best and practical.

I commit myself to when and as I see any form of energy come over me as I go to the city, as I climb into a car to drive towards the city, or even when I have the thought of I am going to the city. To stop such energy, IDEA of what it means to go to the city and everything implicated, and to breathe and remain here.

I commit myself to when and as I am in the City, to not fall for the fears that come up to drag me back into character to play the game of the mind and to not stand up for me, for life as a living example that change is possible in each breath.