I have to share the following story which I have been denying and suppressing for a long time, since Bernard Poolmans death back in 2013.
I am writing this to get it out in the open, it isn’t a secret or something to hide or to be shy about. In fact I see it as a strengthening point, a self-empowering point. As I have never shared this with anyone except my partner, but only about 2 months ago, when it came pouring out of me as a long term suppression and a denial. I also resisted looking at this point and admitting that it has in deed affected me, and what we resist persist. So let me begin sharing.
How much I have placed on Bernard, only revealed after his death.
I was eighteen years old when my Father brought me to the Desteni farm to work here and to do Process, due to my parents being long term friends with Bernard Poolman and we/I was familiar with process, and I specifically wanted to come to join and walk my process and be part of changing this world, but first I had to and still have to walk a very long process while bringing solutions to this world (all at the same times) – where Desteni in itself is the solution really.
So at 18 years of age, quite a young age, and I must admit not very mature, even after many years of education in the system, surprisingly no real maturity took place, just ego. (Which I am only now able to see), I came to the farm. BUT, even before I lived on the farm I always saw Bernard throughout my life as a mentor, as someone I really looked up to, I deeply respected Bernard and saw him as my Teacher in everything and anything, from whom I will learn and listen and apply and change and take advise and with whom I could ask anything and share anything and the advice would always be exactly what I needed, not what I wanted per say, but it changed my life, it changed everything about me, the fabric of my beingness changed, my thinking lessened, and my living and doing and common sense expanded, I actually matured. This was all on a personal level and within a personal capacity.
Bernard always had direction, no matter what, Bernard always moved things, he always had a goal and nothing will stop him from reaching that goal, which was clear in each and every breath he took – creating heaven on earth for all living beings, all life. Within This Bernard focused on people, because he truly as himself understood that people are the system, people are the ones that must change, people are the ones that must bring change, and within focusing on people Bernard pushed people into directions for world change, change that would be best for all life, and how he pushed people, how he guided people, how he did those things were amazing, we had so many global points opening up and emerging within a year and a half since the farm started, we had courses, we had interviews/videos/vlogs/articles/blogs, we had new ways for politics and economics, we had set up multiple websites and we were moving like a rocket, we were growing, we were reaching people and we were really getting out there.
At the same time, we had dozens of people from all over the world visiting the farm, we had so much fun and really awesome discussions, we were talking and socializing and we were learning human nature, we were building/gardening and cleaning up, taking care of the land and nature and using our hands and learning to breath and be HERE and support one another, and we were learning a new way of LIFE that is possible for all right here on the Desteni Farm and thus the world if only we dared, Bernard showed so many people what could be possible, what life for all could be, as heaven on earth, obviously after we all worked with each other on points and possessions and limitations and pushing through the matrixes of the mind consciousness system, which isn’t always nice, but afterwards it is, as we walk self-forgiveness and forgiveness.
Things were looking great, even though we had haters/trolls, which are the first signs of success/succeeding – as they say jealousy is nasty, even though some of them were hired to deliberately sabotage us, which showed our effectiveness, fear is always the weapon of mass destruction - divide and conquer. We had system attacks and we walked through those quite nicely, newspapers attacking us, people attacking us, it always felt like the universe being re-aligned, which is what was happening - Obviously with Bernard in the front line.
We were already looking at expanding Desteni, getting bigger facilities and getting more people within the Desteni group to come over and do research and development, to implement systems and to test them out, where we could take the science currently in this world that is bias and actually do the tests ourselves and have unbiased results that is best for all life, where we would test out self-sustainability commuinty living, off the grid for real and real time, where we could take social science and psychology and everything that needs to be researched and to find solutions to, to bring about real actual change in this world – real time after people have walked the courses first, specifically the how’s and whys and where’s etc, but only with Desteni can we find real solutions as it is always done from the starting point of what is best for all life, not about who is right or who is wrong, who can make money and who won’t, we had support and support was coming in/growing (during those times) - and yet again, relying on Bernard.
Bernard’s presence removed fear and always embraced that point of you can believe in yourself, you can do this, confidence, in a much grounded real practical no bullshit way.
For years, Bernard told me over and over, I want you right next to me, not in front of me or behind me, right next to me walking equally, I do not want followers, if you are a follower, then you can go find yourself a positive thinking group or a spiritual group, or a guru, or a religion.
Then Bernard Died.
Desteni is failing, we are not going to make it anymore, everyone is going to scatter, and people will be back on the fence sitting, these were my first thoughts and that continued for a while after Bernard's death, with visitors on the farm and thousands of people out there in the world that was kind of just following Bernard in the back ground (those that never showed their faces or stood with openly), without Bernard it is like losing the head, because the first response of Bernard’s Death was fear instead of walking equally next to him, I admit I was following, yet trying/attempting to walk next to Bernard, but it was so much more convenient to just let someone else do it, to not have to stand as that absolute point without choice, without having excuses and reasons to only do it half way. (obviously over time the opposite of what was happening in my mind took place physically, Desteni is standing strong because of the people that are actually walking their process and standing by principle, which proves what is real over time)
So for the past 2 years since Bernard’s death, there has been an ominous feeling within me, a resonant point of everyone is seeking that confidence, that trust, that drive, the direction and movement that Bernard had, that he created as himself, that push and trusting that push, the common sense and self-honesty, and where one can always see and cross reference within everything Bernard said and do and that is was aligned within what is best for all life, as It always included and considered all life – but it just wasn't there without Bernard. it was US, we all had to find our feet and everything Bernard stood as and did as ourselves.
Almost 8 years ago, I was asked if I am willing to give up my life for the purpose of bringing forth equality and oneness, this meant committing myself to the Farm/Desteni 100%, and that there will be NO future for me in the system, as this is and will be the only way to push and do what is required to be done to bring forth actual change, as the farm is the central point, the volcano of the Desteni message, The home base for all Destonians that has proven and shown their commitment, to come and to unplug for a while, and to push their process a bit further with each visit, and to take part in all the activities and see what it means to live as a Destonian in each moment, to learn from one another, exchange skills and abilities, to take that back home as a upgrade so to say, or enhance, where questions can be answered and lovely discussions can take place. And obviously where we develop programs/course and do research real time if resources allow us and the websites and the home of the portal, and where most of the support comes form to all the people out there and which is expected to become much more in the near future (2016 onward), this means working with people one on one in chats, their assignments, daily support and assistance (which takes hours) where we in the future with a bigger farm will start, and first of all, be able to do so much more, the more the support is for Desteni, and thus need more people here at home base to do the things. BUt again, we were hopeing Bernard would be here to take care of it all.
So after Bernard gave me the layout of what’s involved within committing myself to living/working and creating on the Desteni farm, and I agreed and committed myself – it was all done within the Idea that Bernard will be here till this is done, till we have created all the amazing and awesome future points that we were busy laying out and developing to change this world, to implement the points, to push the points, to get it done and moving.
Plus, my partner and I were expecting a baby, really planting ourselves into the Desteni farm as a full on commitment and that this will be done, this will work out, there is no failure possible, because we have Bernard, or now it is a “had Bernard”.
So here was (2 years ago after Bernard death) – a child coming, I put my everything in the committing of myself to do this till it is done by giving up all and any possible future in the system, safety/security – as my life literally depends on the self-honesty of others, how they walk their process and of course how the group grows, which is all kind of scary without Bernard. (2 years ago feeling)
So I have seen the death of Bernard as a failure, to an extent I have failed, I didn’t walk one and equal next to Bernard, I was always one foot behind him deliberately, I didn’t give myself that chance, I didn’t stand up from the comfort zone, I didn’t push through my insecurities and my limitations and I allowed thoughts and the mind to be my director, my story writer, while Bernard was here, and for this Bernard had to remove himself to literally live by what he stood as – oneness and equality, always doing what is best for all life, and because most if not everyone was following, he had to remove himself/die – and once Bernard died – I had to step out of all those things I was holding onto and till today I am still pushing through them all and standing, and the commitment never changed. I will stand and do this till it is done, even if I am still figuring things out, I stand by Principle, by what is Bets for all life in all ways . Bernard made it very clear to me, what it will mean to commit myself Full time on the Desteni farm, and I made this decision from within me as myself and I never once blamed Bernard or ever held anything against him. I can only thank him and keep moving forward.
It was like, the Plan died and those that were building and making the plan real in different parts of the same plan was left behind, and now all the parts have to come together and see what was the plan, the big plan that Bernard had, and I am only now realizing that the big plans has always been here, we simply had to stand up and move it as ourselves and to even change and create more ways, which we are obviously doing currently. but I find it supportive to see what I have placed on Bernard and to take it back to myself. to equalize myself and start standing, moving, directing.
I must however apply self-forgiveness and take back my self-responsibility for all the things I placed on Bernard as what needed and as going to be done, so that I can take full force on what is HERE and push and direct it as myself working with what is HERE and letting go of the past.
Next Up – self forgiveness on ALL the relevant point.