Day 565 – Personal Persona Person Prison

On the word Personal

Word Play
Person – all
Persona – l

Here I am taking on the word Personal – where it is currently existing within and as me from and as a system definition. Where Personal has become personal to ME.

So when we take a look at the current definition that we are all living as Personal, here is a dictionary definition for you and me.

- of, affecting, or belonging to a particular person rather than to anyone else.

- of or concerning one's private life, relationships, and emotions rather than matters connected with one's public or professional career.

So when I look at those definition I can say within self-honesty that I exist mostly within and as that definition(s) – I have defined my life around the “personal” and completely missed LIFE. So by breaking up the word I came to see two more hidden meanings/revelations
In the word personal we have Persona, and Persona is the following from the good old Dictionary:
- the aspect of someone's character that is presented to or perceived by others.

It is quite fascinating because here I can see how I have lived a certain personal lifestyle where everything is about me and my personal – and within that I have created a Persona, which others are perceiving me with, and I also have come to LIKE this persona, in fact throughout my life I have lived to actively advertise my personal life as to create a certain persona as to feed the EGO.

The part that I have never lived, which is also in the word Personal, is once again hidden in breaking up the word and playing with the sounds.

Personal should be “Person ALL” – a person that lives for ALL – where one moves from the personal to the ALL/LIFE – it is fascinating to see how this one word hold the system/mind living of the word in the word and yet also have the reverse process/correction within the same word, the key to live the word in the correct way that is best for all life.

So now how to take this word and to physically integrate this word into and as me, to become a LIVING word as who I am, where I stop the personal and start living as a person that lives for ALL, this one words takes on all og me, every aspect of me – as I have defined myself and all of me throughout my life as Personal to ME, I never considered to live and consider things for ALL as who I am as my actions, my words my life.

So the first question I am asking myself now is, should there be something that is personal?
Well to investigate this point for myself right here and now, I must consider all, everything – and looking at my body, looking at what is here, NOTHING belongs to me, nothing is personal to me, not even a single cell in my body is mine, not the air I breathe Is mine, not even the food I eat is mine, everything return to substance/life, so what is personal? How have I lived this personal as such an absolute within myself, within my life, yet the physical is always showing me that nothing is personal, nothing is just for ME as mine. Everything belongs to LIFE.

How come all my life have I made everything about me and my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my experience, my life, everything was about me personally. When someone says something to me that I don’t like, I take it personal, how do I take it personal, where does this personal GO? Do I have a little bank somewhere in another dimension where I collect everything that is personal to me, what I have as belongings, what I experience, what I react to or take personal? So that I can do what with it? What is the point of taking things personally? To take things personally my ego gets hurt? Thus my self-value is hurt? What I personally have on this earth as material things determine how my ego feels? How I define myself? What is the point of personal?

Did I just realize that I wasted my life on something that makes no sense yet I lived it as an absolute thing? I mean it makes way more sense be a person for ALL/Life this is living in a way where what I do is “giving” instead of collecting or hording, may it be material things or mind/emotional/feelings/thoughts that results in nothing as who I am as a being/life– and instead live to give, as my giving will be to life.

So that’s all good in theory and to really set up the word new for myself – person-ALL – so now every time I see myself focusing on “personal” I can identify that I am within a persona, I am within EGO, I am within self-interest, I am in the Prison/person that can only focus on itself and have limited capabilities to look at LIFE and to act and direct myself, the thinking of focus of “personal” is very limited – but when I expand myself in those moments from persona to person for All I remove the inner and I expand as the outer to include all that is HERE, in breathe.

Day 541 – Investigating Ego Part 1

I was once told by an old school friend, Gian, You have a big ego, while this person wasn’t looking at me with a smiley face, it was more of a concerned and disgust face, but in micro expressions almost, because it was a friend and the friend didn’t want to “insult” me, so to say. 

So my first impression was, EGO means, when someone thinks a lot of or about themselves, as in general, everyone thinks about themselves and only themselves, but if you have an ego, then you think a LOT about or of yourself.

After this friend said those words to me, I was a bit angry, because I could not properly distinguish between him and me and why only I have a BIG ego, the main reason for my anger was, because I did not actually understand the word ego, I assumed what ego means due to the moment we had, I was talking about girls and parties and so on, which included me a lot, and my friend was talking about girls differently, he was more the romantic type, and I was more the player type as I can recall, so my way of talking about “girl’s” was insulting to him in a way, and thus he reacted and said to me I have a Big ego, basically only thinking about myself.

After this interaction, I walked away and I was now concerned about this ego thing, in fact I didn’t know how personal I took it till later on the same day, I was thinking about this ego thing so much that I built up more and more anger towards my friend saying I have a big ego, my back chat started running where I would think things like, “how can you say I am only thinking about myself, any guy in this world wants sex and no matter how you play the game it Is ALL about yourself, the male, the sex, I simply approached it less intimately and more in a cold way, so the separation part is easier for both.

I basically reacted to my friend saying what he is doing is all about the “girl” yet he knows as a guy as ME that it is never about the girl, the girl has what the man wants, simple.

So I created a grudge towards this friend, but secretly, in fact I made it my goal to PROOF to this friend that what he is doing as a “romantic guy” that his way is still JUST a game and nothing different from mine, and thus also EGO because it is only about HIM and HIS wants/desires.

As the days in school went by, I obviously interacted with this friend normally, but whenever I got the opportunity, I would say things to him to “test” his mind and where it is, very subtly, I will say things that only me “type” and ego will like, and not his romantic type, but I said the things I did in such a clever way that I could show him that he is no different.

For example, I would go sit next to this friend that has now labeled me as a BIG EGO guy because I talk about women as sex objects, where he does not do those things because he is so much better and mature and apparently has a deeper connection and understand women more and knows it isn’t all about sex and blab bla bla (the mind of a sixteen year old) and I would just sit there, quite next to him, and then I would ask him simple questions, like – what girl do you like? And he would say, no one at the moment, and then I would look at a girl that is walking around on the school grounds that is judged as not so pretty and outcast, and I would point and ask him, do you like that girl? And there, on his face, a face of disgust, the frown, and he would then look at me and say, Gian, why are you asking me this, and I would say, I am just checking if you as a “romantic guy” that do not see girls as just sex objects but that there is more and something emotional apply his rules to any women, or only pretty women, he reacted, stood up and walked away.

See, my point was, I wanted to proof to him that he is full of bullshit and just EGO as well, no matter how pretty he painted the picture in his mind, because if it is about beauty, and that you can only be a romantic to someone that is seen as a “sex symbol” – well, then you are only thinking about yourself and or of yourself in the whole picture, no different than me, I just did it openly.
The story of Ego to be continued.

Day 520 - A state of reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any reaction I have towards someone else is or can be valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards others and what they say or how they say it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I have a reaction towards someone that I must follow the reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take self-responsibility for my reactions within me towards others when they either say or do something that I find offensive, believing that I must defend myself and thus react from a starting point of vengeance, getting back at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally that is being discussed or said about me and to within this “taking it personally” as me defining myself through what others say about or towards me and to within this react in fear of what is being said towards or about me being true and/or correct – as the reaction is showing me that I must breathe and be here physically as only the mind as energy wants to defend itself and its self-definition as a personality that relies on others only seeing certain parts of me and not the whole of me that I also belief as the mind that this “whole” of me is true and correct and thus if anything anyone else says about me can or may expose this “whole” of me – the mind, and thus a reaction as a defense mechanism takes place to give way for energy as the mind to take over the physical and to remove all common sense and self-honesty and only to keep the mind in place as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reactions to be normal within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reactions as something that is pointing out to me that I must act NOW because this feeling inside of me is telling me to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Belief that the words that is within me when I am within a reaction that I see as reason and logic MUST be spoken or this reaction within me that is holding all this seemingly valid information will be lost and that I will lose if I do not let the reaction out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I am within a reaction that the words that I want to speak is what the reaction is all about, seeing and realizing that the reaction is actually something deeper, and if I give to myself a moment to breath and let go of the reaction that I can see what is beneath the surface that the reaction is actually coming from, and that if I speak the words that is within/from the reaction then I miss the opportunity to actually see what is here and for me to correct myself and take self-responsibility for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and to within this react – seeing and realizing that reactions is showing me where I am still existent within self-interest as a personality that can take things personally and that exist only to defend itself and its own interest at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal towards a certain person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against someone when they say something that I am reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about the other person when I am reacting towards something that they are saying or doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty and create gossip about/towards someone that has said or done something that I reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of anticipating my environment to “make me react, seeing and realizing that this is actually my living in a consistent state of reaction within and towards my environment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that me living within a consistent subtle movement of energy within me makes me by nature reactive, and thus anything and anyone can at any time activate the reaction that is already existent within me, which comes from me existing within a BUBBLE of my mind that is my space and my personal wants and needs and whenever the environment enters this bubble there is something going to pop within me.

I commit myself, to check myself, to check if I am here breathing, or if I am within a state of energy as self-interest, from the moment I wake up, and to within this align myself to open myself to LIFE and all that is here and all and any possibilities in any given moment, and to be flexible and expand myself to move myself and to give myself the ability to respond to my environment instead of reacting within my environment as a personality attempting to remain within self-interest.

I commit myself to change, change that is actual change where take the stance of BEING able to respond within my reality instead of reacting towards and within my reality to anything or anything or anyone that might just come into my bubble, and to remove my bubble by myself and to stop this forceful way of others bursting my bubble just because I am keeping it there instead of removing it, and to make life a FLOW for myself and my environment.

I commit myself to give myself to LIFE and to let go of personal, to stand as life and to respond in each moment as LIFE would do and not as how I as a mind as a sensitive bubble would do that only causes discord.

I commit myself to burst my own bubble of “personal and to open myself up to life and to receive LIFE in each moment as what is here as life and to respond within my ability accordingly within self-honesty and common sense.

I commit myself to let go of all my own rules and laws and logic within my mind that keeps up my bubble as my personal mind personality and to fucking really be free, to give this freedom to myself where I am able to response within my reality as ME as me being the director and not to be directed by all these mind logic/reasons and thinking of why I must be so limited and protecting myself and preserving myself for something else and to what others are allowed to ask of me or not or say about me or towards me or not, all these petty things that I place onto myself to limit myself and create this secret internal reality that inflates this bubble that surrounds me that keeps LIFE out and the mind in.

Day 67 – The Personality Suit Part 2 - behavior 1

Ok so in part two I am going to go more into detail with my personality and certain traits that I have designed myself as the personality, these traits will be focused on the personality points that I have identified myself as, as the personality.

These are the traits that I will always make sure that when I meat people they must know me as these traits of my personality – you know the things you always do not matter with who you are as the main YOU (personality) that is imposed onto others as this is who I am, then all the small personality traits will always change and be different according to what is required in the situation environment. 

These personality traits is mostly in behaviors, you cannot help yourself but to live, be this personality because look it is in your behavior so it must be who you are, well it is to realize that it is who you have created yourself as. As the personality suit that you cannot even see you have a suit on anymore.

My first point will be on always being the “stable” guy in presentation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as stable when I meet new people as the personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as stable and quite when meeting new people in order to lurk them in, into feeling save around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a image of myself as the personality of stability when around people or meeting new people to not “impose: on them in the fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive others and myself within giving forth the presentation that I am stable and quite while in fact I am talking and scanning and observing and creating all kinds of evil shit in my head towards them and the environment, realizing that I am only deceiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give forth a personality as energy that gives the impression that I am stable to get others to accept me and to trust me, realizing that I do not even trust myself as I have to wear a personality suite to give forth a false picture/idea/impression of myself to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on the personality suit of looking and giving the impression I am stable instead of actually being stable, realizing that if I take self responsibility for what goes on within me through writing and self forgiveness I can birth myself as stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on/wear the personality suite that gives a impression I am stable in the fear of that if others do not see me as stable that they will reject me, realizing that the image of stability I am presenting is but only a image that society have accepted and how stability looks like, reali9zing that stability is to have the ability to stand stand/stay still within any situation as breathe, as standing in the middle of a storm and to know Who I am as breath as life one and equal as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify stability as a personality one must have that presents a certain picture to people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize stability as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself in to as me and as a personality just to not to have to face who I am with or without others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at why I have created a personality trait that gives the impression to people that I am stable and that it is not acceptable as I still allow myself to not be stable in fact as breathe as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I require a personality to hide what is going on within me to give the impression that I am stable, realizing that I do not have to hide it from myself and that I can actually take what goes on within me as the storm and still stand as breathe and to look and self forgive what is within me and to birth myself as breathe as stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the behavioral pattern as stability within my personality so that when I am around people I restrict myself from expressing myself and being here until I have found I am save and can let go of the stability trait and only then express myself.

I realize it isn’t to create a whole personality at all and that personality isn’t necessary, as the personality is actually that which allowed one to be unstable as the personality always changes, it is to breathe and be here within and as the physical moving, directing expressing self honesty and to live practically as that which is best for all life all ways, it is so much simpler and can be trusted by self and thus self stability. 

To Be Continued.