Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Day 549 – Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the Mother construct within me as me being a child that belongs to another person, seeing and realizing that this mother construct within me and wanting to hold onto the idea that I belong to another person is keeping me form being my own person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother is more special than any other mothers in this world, and thus within this believe praise my mother and make me “special” and more than other children, creating and continuing the inequality within this world as ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mother construct within me as I fear that I will lose something of myself, seeing and realizing that I cannot possibly lose my mother unless I have self-interest points invested within her that only serves me and my will as the ego.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the love a mother and a child proclaim for one another ha got nothing to do with one another within this world as it is purely self-interest driven for survival and money in a world where fear drives everything, and as one can see within placing oneself within a perfect world where all is equally taken care of and has a guaranteed life of dignity on this planet that mothers and fathers and children will suddenly have no worries of fears of letting go of each other and living their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within making myself believe that a mothers love for a child has to be an emotional one, where the mother and child can manipulate each other and make sure each one is surviving in this world by leaching off one another, through using a secret system of debt, where the mother gave everything and now later on the child owns the mother everything, seeing and realizing that such emotional relationships is a disease of the current world system that forces people to be leaches for the sake of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive my mother in her innocence in the sense that this world makes no sense and to within such a world create relationships of nonsense that isn’t best for all in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to take on and stand within this world that I require to keep such relationships on the emotional level with my parents for the sake of a safety net, seeing and realizing that keeping such a safety net is simply holding me back as there is a back door, knowing that if I keep an emotional relationship with my mother that she will still benefit from me as being her son as I am feeding her some sort of energy and thus she will at any time catch me when I fall, thus already creating the fall, yet seeing and realizing that a clear physical communication relationship within common sense can be established and kept, as such a relationship will be equal and one to all other relationships that is best for all life, and to stop the mind games once and for all and for each one to face themselves sooner than later till it is too late and we have sucked the life out of life and no one stood up for life as reality was/is still being kept in a veil for survival.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the facts/truth of what is here, we all die and after death no one is someone’s family or friends and that we are all one and equal and thus must already be walked this life and to not have to face the shame and regret in the afterlife for only protecting and keeping save one’s own “blood” and disregarding all other life as your entire family, on your home planet called earth, just for some emotional relationships that is kept in place for self-interest and to survive till death.

Day 531 - My Son is my example

 

my son is my example. He is so amazing in giving his everything in all the things he do. The way he focus the way he is here completely present with the task at hand. Something as simple as him sitting by himself independently away from me by his own table. Climbing on and off and sitting as I do. I am not allowed to help yet I must be available. He tests this out over and over. Where "I", sit down.... without EVER!! considering how I got to sit at a table. But this is just one instance. While I might be thinking and wondering in the mind, my son is showing me that only through real time physical application and testing can development happen. And to be consistent till there is a result that is best and stick with it.

Day 526 - Walk the talk.

 

 Walk the talk. It is easy to talk and to say things and make things sound right and good and to use words on and on, but what is the meaning of the words that I speak if I am not applying and living them for real for myself first. This is the case that I found with me and my son. I must live what I speak. Not in terms of making promises and keeping them. Promises are always a lie. I am talking about what is Here in each moment and living what I stand for. Being an example. And the speaking comes later that I add to my actions. So that there is no bias. This also helps me to always check and make sure that I am living and breathing in each moment as my son takes it all in. Even if I just sit and do nothing. Its a matter of who I am within it. I realized I must be an example to myself first and not do it just for my son as that will still be a bias and not sustainable to real change

Father to be, self-commitments - Day 333 Part 7

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329
Day 330
Day 331
Day 332

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am following in the footsteps of fear within raising my child to Stop, to sit down and to write and to stop the mind energies from and as memories/thoughts of the past that I have created within my childhood, and to within the writing to find the common sense, the common ground which isn’t based on fear but that is within the best interest of all which is to find practical ways of living/teaching and being an example for the child which does not require fear but common sense and self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am projecting fears for my child onto my child to stop, to breathe and to see that fear is of the mind and thus created within the mind as energy and that the fear as the mind isn’t necessary at all, but that the practicality and common sense within this world is what is required to live here and to see what is here and to stand one and equal to what is here and to within that change what is here to that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am living in my mind as ideas/believes/opinions within and from my mind while raising my child, to stop and to breathe, to take a breathe and to see what I am doing, what I am accepting and allowing, and what I am creating as the consequential outflow of my actions/behaviors that is driven from and as the mind as energy from a place which isn’t real, and to stop and to see the obvious common sense way to go instead, and to walk that, as it is best for all life and ultimately best for the child.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am competing to be the best father, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that I am not here to be the best father within and as the win and lose construct created by society, but that I am here to be the best father within educating my child within that which matters and so that my child can develop him/herself effectively and to be the best they can be within that which is best for all life, as this life is my child’s life and that what is best for all life is always what matters.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within ideas/believes/opinions of what a father is supposed to be within the ideas/believes/opinions of and from society created as limitations and boarders to fit in with society, to stop and to breathe and to focus on actual physical living and participations that is real and applicable anywhere whether one is a father or not, and to follow the common sense and how the physical works.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressing about being here for my child when and as I am at work most of the tie to stop and to breathe, seeing and realizing that this is what one has to do currently within this world to survive, and that it is unavoidable , YET the time I do spend with my child will be the time that counts, and to not accept and allow any Mind bullshit and mindfuck’s to prevent and stop me from using the time I do have with my child to use it effectively and what is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am worried that I will not be here for my child to be a effective father, as tie is limited, to stop and to breathe and to realize that the mind will want to compromise the time I do have to spend with my child if I exist within self-interest, seeing and realizing that within self-interest I will use the time that I do have to do nothing, but if I use the time I do have within what’s best for all life then I will do so spending it with what matters, such as my child that will be the future human/adult that will run this world with the many others future adults/humans and thus it is of the utmost important to make sure the future is secure for all Life within starting where it matters, when the child is a child.

I commit myself to when and as I go into doubt within myself about what is best for all life an what is not, to stop and to breathe, within the realization that only the mind can and will doubt what is best for all life as the mind is based on energy and self-interest as the mind is rooted within only self and thus consist of only one selves shit, and thus the obvious common sense is that what is best for all life is what is for all life and that is here for all life equally, which is the physical reality that we all share equal and one, which is life and that when I doubt, to stop the doubt the mind and to bring myself back to breathing within and as the physical and focus on what is real and here that I can see with my real eyes.

Father to be – Day 332 Part 6

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take fatherhood for granted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what fathers really go thought within the current way of the world to be fathers, as the system is designed to not support LIFE but only to consume the time for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the current way of life that the human has created for himself and all life isn’t a system that supports Life and only money, and that being a father can be so much more then what it currently exist as, where fathers/mothers can actually be there for their children and enjoy the child and have the environment that supports development effectively for ll.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father within the current system/world that has been created and is still accepted and allowed to exist by the humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the human conditions that the human has created for himself to exist within in this world such as needing money to be able to eat/drink and have a home, and that it is a survival game instead of a existence that is free of fear and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child coming into this world, seeing and realizing that the main fear is what if my child end up with no money, no food, no home, no water, no safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Wish only that my child has money so that my child can buy safety and a live, seeing and realizing that this is and will and can never be a solution, as everything else around my child will still be fucked and remain a danger, and thus it is to change the entire system, that supports all equally and not just my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my child and the future of my child that is to come on this planet due to human existence here and what we are creating and no sign of change is near in sight.

Ok this is where I am ending the self-forgiveness on these points for now, next I will be doing the self-commitments on the points.

Father to be - a new way Day 331 Part 5

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329
Day 330


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fatherhood is a competition for who can be the best father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fatherhood about competition, seeing and realizing from my own life and experience that competition only rushed me and never gave me the chance to develop anything properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that competition within fatherhood is but a root of fear and thus only teaching a child fear, instead of how to properly effectively develop something/skills/abilities without it being a competition for a prize as the prize is only momentarily where as the result is forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a loser as a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with other fathers to be the best father that I will lose and the other fathers and their kids will win, be more than me and my kid, seeing and realizing that this is a self-interest fear and not what’s bets for all life as it is about how I will feel and not about how the physical work in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not compete with how I raise my child that my child will fall behind within how skillful/intelligent/able my child is, seeing and realizing that this is and has always been only my own fears and what I have faced all my life and thus not my child’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already as a father to be project my apparent disabilities that I make myself believe that I have my child’s and to within this want to prevent my child from having these apparent disabilities through acting in fear and within competition, seeing and realizing that I can instead utilize what I have fucked up within myself and see how I did this and how I created it and to within this learn from myself and to give the insight/understanding to my child so that he/she can accordingly make common sense self-honest decisions on the points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate within the competition construct within this world with my child as being the father that I will be a failure as a father within the eyes of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my child will be born without fear/without thoughts or memories and that what I give is what will be received and thus if and when I fear and I project that fear and live it physically within this world I will teach my child fear instead of prevention and so create what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being accountable, seeing and realizing that I fear this because I know I will be held accountable for all outflow and consequences within and as my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself within others that has already been fathers to see if I am ready or not, seeing and realizing that I am ready, I just don’t what to be a father like everyone else as it is quite scary what fathers are currently and that it is accepted as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comparison to imprint fear within me through taking what I see with my eyes from other fathers and making it a valid way of being a father and then fear within myself to having to be like that to be a father, seeing and realizing that I do not have to be like any of the fathers within this world to be a father as I am redefining father for myself to that which is best for all life and to bring about a new way of life for all life.

To be continued.

Father to be - Preparing the way Day 330 Part 4

Day 327
Day 328
Day 329

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in what I see and observe from within my environment within other humans words and behaviors and what they say/do as all being facts and ways of life, and that what I see and learn and hear must be what I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what fathers/mothers live and how they raise their children is something that they have learned from a book, seeing and realizing now that I am full grown that there never was a book and it all was simply done from guessing and from those that has gone before them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the scam in my own head that parents and my parents that raised me was qualified first before their had me to be able to raise me, seeing and realizing that I was raised within hope/belief/luck/faith, instead of actual direction and principals that is concrete with concrete results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a father is someone that has been trained to be a father, and that within everything a father teaches and do and show and tells me was/is always right and the way, seeing and realizing now that I am almost a father and that it was only an idea/expectation I had within my mind of and from the believe I have created about fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being pre-pared to be a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the expectations of a father within the idea of what a father must be within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I MUST divine myself as a father within societies idea of a father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into what society wants and needs of me to be an acceptable father, seeing and realizing that the father idea and what is being lived within the current society isn’t what is best for all life as the evidence is within society as the world the humans have created and still accept and allow through the sins of the fathers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-confidence within myself to be a father to my child equal and one with how I would/can be a father to all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as myself as life identified as a father within society and still to stand as myself within this identity and to not give into society itself and to raise my child within what is best for all life, as common sense/self-honesty/practicality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear society and the expectations of society and what happens as reactions within society when and as those expectations that define a father isn’t met, but instead a new way, a way that is best for all life. For instance no religion/tradition/culture etc, but a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is a wrong way of teaching, seeing and realizing that it isn’t about wrong or right, but to teach what is best for all life, as I see and realize that what is right and wrong within society is currently extremely sickening and abusive and thus not best for all to teach my child the rights and wrongs of society to accept and allow, but to instead teach the problems and the solutions as what’s best for all life, to teach common sense and self-honesty where the child will be given tools to have perspectives and insight and to determine through that self honestly what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only wish to teach my child the right way – seeing and realizing that there is no right or wrong way, but only what is best for all life as I see and realize that what is right and wrong within society is currently extremely sickening and abusive and thus not best for all to teach my child the rights and wrongs of society to accept and allow, but to instead teach the problems and the solutions as what’s best for all life, to teach common sense and self-honesty where the child will be given tools to have perspectives and insight and to determine through that self honestly what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my child to the bullshit existing within this world that corrupts the children of today, seeing and realizing that if and as I teach my child effective common sense and giving my child to opportunities to develop self-honesty that there is not need for me to fear that or to keep my child from it, as he/she will have the tools to determine what’s BS and what’s not and to make his/her own decisions based on what’s best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad father within teaching and being an example, seeing and realizing that it is simply a fear of the mind and thus not real, I must trust myself within and as the physical here breathing and focusing on what’s real as always.

To be continued.

Father to be – Define Father Self forgiveness Day 329

Father to Be - Define Father Day  327
Father to Be - Define Father Day  328

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the Idea of being a father and that I must then be the one to discipline them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a father must be the one to teach a child how to be disciplined through physically disciplining the child, seeing and realizing that it is to show discipline, and to give a definition to the child of what discipline is and so that the child can live that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being a father to having to be the scary one that must be the “bad cop” when self-responsibility wasn’t taken or abuse took place, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to be scary as being the father figure, but that It is me as a being taking responsibility for my creation to align whatever went wrong within oneness and equality as that what is best for all through giving the child consequential outflows of what could happen within their actions to give and teach the child self-responsibility within understanding of their actions, and so when the self-responsibility wasn’t taken and “discipline” is required to give the child physical consequences one and equal so that they can learn and see that everything we do have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that a father must hit his children to be able to teach the child discipline, seeing and realizing that having to teach the child through physical discipline is already a sign that me as a father wasn’t disciplined within teaching my child and thus it is me that has to be held accountable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that physical discipline onto and towards a child is the manifestation of avoiding taking real responsibility as the father as the child can only do what he/she is taught or have seen from those as the examples..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a father that is feared, seeing and realizing that this can only be real if and when I am acting and living in fear and reactions instead of breathing and directing the physical one and equal as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hope” to be a father that the child wants to be with and “love” seeing and realizing that it is for my own self interest and not what is best for all life, as a relationship such as that will only be a enslavement of the child to me for my own happiness and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse enjoyment with love, seeing and realizing that love is a energetic connection based on feelings/emotions that becomes dependent on each other as the polarities require each other and thus creating a cycle of enslavement, where as enjoyment is a physical doing such as swinging someone or picking them up or just being with them or even when just being in each other’s presence which can be applied to all life equally as it requires no energy but only physical relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as the father I must be a serious person to be able to be a good father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a serious father is a stable father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a serious father is a strong father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a happy father is a cool father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a father that has two sides is a real father, when the father is able to have fun but also a serious side that can come up, seeing and realizing that it isn’t to live a specific character around the father to be a father but to be a living being that is here sharing and teaching and not pretending but to be real within self-honesty/common sense and living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as certain specific characters in front of my child that I believe will show my child weakness or instability and to within this already want to create fake characters to hide the other characters, seeing and realizing that this is only teaching the child how to hide and how to not face oneself and to always have to look a certain way, instead of facing what is here as the characters and removing the characters which then do not require more characters to hide it as one has forgiven self and moving forward.

Facing The Sins of the Father to Be – Define Father Part 3 Day 328

 From Day 325 Part 1 - father to be Define father

exploratory writing.

So I have defined being a father as being an example, what the father does, the actions of the father, is the father teaching me this or that or isn’t he, I have defined father as what they do determines who they are, but it is who they are that determines what they do, and as my dad was working day in and day out to provide, it shows that who my father was, was caring and willing to give up his family to have a family, so that I could have toys and savings and food and water and cloths and all that, so my judgment as a kid was completely disordered and based on self-interest instead of common sense and what happening in reality – people need money.

Who I am determines what I do – who you are determines what you do, so to be an example for a child isn’t to be a constant doing parent to show the child who you are as a parent, so that they can learn from that, it is to be an example of who you are at ALL times to teach/live/show a principal, a principal that who you are determines what you do, this empowers the child to create who they are and thus what they do. The principal of what is best for all life in all ways. Love thy neighbor as they self, do onto another as you would like to be done onto.

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear being a bad example for my child, through all the good and bad judgments I have made about fathers in my child years and to within this have defined what bad/good fathers are based on my fears that I have created based on the impressions I got from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that the words I use/speak in moments of unawareness of from and as reactions will damage my child and that I will thus be a bad father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to do enough things for/with my child to show my child who I am,, seeing and realizing that it is a excuse and a justification as who I am determines what I do and thus for example coming home when it is dark can only be a excuse if I am defining who I am based on what I do, but when who I am determines what I do I am constantly in all moments doing something to be a example as what’s best for all life and so for my child one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear not being a good father through the words I use/speak and how I use them, seeing and realizing that this fear currently exists because of self-judgments I have of myself from actual physical experiences I have had/have where I react or speak in moments of not breathing and being aware and knowing that they do have consequences and thus fearing that I will thus face the consequences within my child and what he/she learned from my words and the actions within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will teach my child the wrong definitions of words through what I speak and what my actions show for what I speak, thus seeing and realizing that I have to re-define the words I am living so that the words I use is one and equal to what I am living and not creating bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child the energies that I have connected to words from my own personal experiences within me through using the words with the energy connections towards my child or within the environment the child is within and that the child will thus take my personal energy signatures that I have connected within words as experiences and make it his, seeing and realizing that I have to take responsibility for myself within the words I use and what’s behind them through breathing and placing a guard in front of my mouth till I am clear and only speak when the words are physical and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking my child up with the same shit that I know I have within me that I am aware of and have been aware of for years, that I haven’t yet taken self-responsibility for, thus I see and realize that because I haven’t taken self-responsibility for what exist within me that I know is in me deliberately not taking self-responsibility and that I have till now still continued within participating within the shit that exist within me that I have left it to influence my world and myself, and only now that I am about to be a father do I actually realize the consequences of not taking full self-responsibility for what I experience within me and that it is infectious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now want to take self-responsibility once my own self-interest is at risk, where I will have a child and that I have to help in raising the child and that within me raising the child I will face the consequences of who I have accepted and allowed myself to remain to be to be taught to my child and that my child will become and reflect that back to me and so the sins of the fathers will be given to the children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child to react to people whenever they ask of him/her to do something as that is what I am still accepting and allowing to exist within and as me and thus if I do not take self-responsibility and change who I am within that point then that is what I will create within my child, that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will teach my child to not want to read and learn new things, because that is what I am still existing as within and as who I am and thus as I am still a living example of that to myself then I can but only be that to my child as a example and thus I see and I realize that I have to take self-responsibility for who I am within this point and change to that which is best for all life as an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear teaching my child how to have only excuses for not taking self-responsibility, as I see that I am still existing as excuses within not taking full self-responsibility within my daily living and only creating excuses and thus as that is what I am accepting and allowing to exist within and as me as who I am then all I can teach my child is but from me as who I am and thus creating my exact fear, because no matter how much I speak and say things, if I am not that example it will not be real but only be empty words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that I will not be home enough to teach my child the skills I have and that is awesome skills as I will be at work most of the day till it is dark already and that my child will not have that part of me as an example to learn from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that Who I am determines what I do and thus I see and realize that within this basic simple example, I do not need to be home all the time to teach things as to what I can do to show who I am, but that who I am will be a teaching within itself, as I will and can be the example for my child that who you are determines what you do which means that my child will not need me to show him/her stuff because they will develop themselves as who they are and through that they will determine what they do.

I am exploring all the corners here within self-forgiveness and my perspective is expanding and I am seeing within my writing where I am still blind or even making excuses/justifications and so forth.

To be Continued.

Father to be - Define father Day 327 Part 2

Continuing from Define Father Day 325 part 1

To be clear, these blogs about fatherhood and looking into my past isn’t to define what is a bad father or a good father, it is to look at where does the father construct in me come from, it is to learn and see those that has gone before me so that I can see myself and what I have learned. This is not about my father, or other fathers, it’s about me and my inner process and to change that.
Continuing from my previous blog on this topic, I am now going to take a look at when I was still a kid and I had friends and how their fathers sounded like through how the kids talked about their fathers and what their fathers is in comparison to how my father was,,,, as this created a lot of new definitions that I connected to what a father must be or can be or should be.

I remember in school as a young child kids used to come from the weekends and they would share with the other kids what they did, and a lot of the stories would be what the boys did with their fathers, this would be activities like camping and fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boat rides and all the things that dads would do with their sons, like teaching their kids what and how to do things, and usually my weekend stories would out using barbeque or just being at home or me walking in the streets and exploring the town I lived in by myself.

Through this interactions I felt that I was missing out on a lot, i did not get any of that from my dad every weekend, we went camping, but once a year maybe, and the other activities like fishing and hunting and riding bikes and going on boats never happened, we did not have all those things to start off with in the first place, this in general made me feel less than the others, like I was less skilled and less of a Man, inferior if you will.

I remember saving up money that I got every month that wasn’t a lot, to go and buy myself fishing equipment, because I wanted to see what it is to fish and how it is done, I knew so little about fishing that I saved up very little money, I had just enough to buy a roll of fishing line and a hook and sinker, I went to the shop with my dad, because I asked him and thought this is how it is supposed to be, me and my dad getting fishing stuff, it ended up with my dad staying in the car and me going into the shop and buying what I thought I needed, I got the stuff and I once again thought it was good, my dadjust asked if I got everything, your line and hook, I said yes, and he said ok so now you must just go and see if you can catch a fish, I then took my fishing equipment one weekend to the dam that was but a hundred meters away from our house at the harbor, I put the hook on the like and the I put it in the water, I sat there for at least an hour and said to myself it isn’t really working and quite, never went back.

I learned how to ride bike from my dad and my grandfather, and I learned how to swim from my father and other family members, but I can say within those basic lines my dad helped a lot.

Overall the point I am exposing within these writings are what I have seen and defined as to what a father must be, and it isn’t a fact, it isn’t something written in a book somewhere of what a father must be, this all comes from observations and from interactions within my world.
My father was a good father in terms of what one knows about being a father the way I learned, we all learn from those that has gone before us. My Life was easy and nice and wonderful, if I compare it to what other people have/had in this world.
Is it the right way? Is it the wrong way? No it isn’t, there is no right or wrong, there is doing what’s best for all life, raising a child must be raising a human being to live what’s best for all life, and that means that the child must be all the child can be. And this is where the Mother/Father roles come in, to be the example. A living example.
Back to the topic, what I noticed here as well is, I never saw as a kid the awesome skills I learned from being on my own, from hanging out with myself a lot and keeping myself occupied and learning about things by myself, how to be creative and how to not have fear. How to stand on my own and how to be responsible for myself to a certain point though.
So my dad did teach me through not teaching me all the things other dad’s apparently taught their children, I say apparently because I don’t know for fact, it was always just hear/told from and by the other kids.
So now fatherhood becomes a comparison, a competition, can I be the best dad, a better dad, will my child be all knowing and strong and independent and knowing how to do all these things, and this is what I can see I created through all the observations, because through the observations I create fears within myself and within that I have already made decisions on how I am going to raise my child one day or not, according to my fear, which is not best for all.
To be continued.

Father to be- Define Father - Day 325 Part 1

I realized after the self-forgiveness that I am writing in circles because I haven’t written out my actual experience in relation to becoming a father, and what my reaction are towards the word father and why.

I am going to write all of that out tonight and then continue on the self-forgiveness then as it will be more specific and not just based on floating information but constructive.

Currently I am not yet realizing the facts YET about what it means to be a father, I still only have Ideas and beliefs and definitions from my past of what it should be, or what it is supposed to be to be a father.

I have all these fears and definitions but it is useless writing them out if I cannot see how I have created them and where they come from and why I made them.

The first impression I had from what it means to be a father is obviously from my own father, the person I was raised to call father, and what I learned and how I have defined father and being a father was from my own father's actions and secondly his words, I connected action to the words that was used, it is how i remember how I defined them, not using words to define actions, that is impossible actually lol. You can’t hear a word and live it, there must be an example first.

here is my first definition of what a father is supposed to be, an Example for the child, An example is a living thing, a action, it is what one show to another what you have and are living and why/how/when/where/who/what etc. from my memories and what i can recall from my father and how he was as a example, he wasn’t really much around for us, so my definition from my father of father is where the father isn’t really around much, the father does not play a big role in raising the child, the father is out and working and bringing money into the home for us to be able to be raised and have a home and all those things, I only saw my father late at nights, and usually when he comes home I did not see him, I was either sleeping or playing with my brothers, this was during the week.

Part of the definition is that the father must obey the mother's words and that the father will always obey what is asked from the mother, this part comes in where my mom used to threaten us with my father and for when he comes home, so I have defined part of being a father as being the scary one, the one that must discipline and hit the children when it is asked of the mother, I have also defined father as being the person you fear, the person you don’t want to come home, the person that is consequences, the person that makes everything serious.

I see it like this, my father was never home but when he was home it was like a stranger that now suddenly has to punish you for what your mother asked of him.

I remember when I used to get saw of hurt myself that I would only call for my mom, even when my father was right there and ready to help, I would run past him or scream past him for my mother.

Here I can see fears coming to surface as i write the fear of being in my father’s position, not by choice but because of work and all the physical things that is taking place that forms such relationships.

I fear not being there for my child and that all I will be seen as will be a unpleasant experience, a fear, a consequence, a hurt, a stranger, and that my child will forget about me and not even know me till much later when the child is older and have been brainwashed to understand what a father is (the person who’s sperm created you with the mothers egg).

My father was busy all the time at work, I knew who he was as a symbol, not as a being, I know he smiled and looked tired all the time and just wanted piece and quite when he came home, I know he was in arguments with my mom quite a lot, My dad was always the one that had to only hear what happened during the day while my mother was taking care of the three of us (boys) and how my mother would tell my dad what we did and how we must be discipline and punished, and how my father would defend us and not really want to punish us, but my mother always won for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad as it might sound, what I mean is - the words being used that people have defined as evil and criminal and abusive such as “punish” – “discipline” – “screaming”. It was quite okay, but yet the example was all the things I observed from my father’s actions/words and what a father is then, and my mother, but I am focusing on the father point.

From this I have learned that mothers are always right and fathers are always wrong, fathers must keep the mother happy or there is hell on earth, fathers must work all day and come home and listen to the mother even though the father really does not care lol.

I have learned by example that the father is the good guy in being the bad buy, like a weapon, you fear it because of the fact it can be used as a weapon by somone else, and all the actions from the father is forced by the mother and that the father does not really want to do it, but has to.

The mother will have peace if the children are crying after punishment from the father. I started seeing more and more of my father as I grew up, as I was able to go to bed later and later and have more time during the day to do stuff, well night.

This is where I also started having more fun with my dad in weekends and having talks with my dad and sitting with my dad outside and just wonder about the universe, and how he would play music and smoke or read a book most of the time.

My dad started sharing with me more and more stuff, mostly about what he has red and his philosophies and theories and politics and so forth, I never really understood it, but that is what I got from my father, a father must be knowledgeable. A father must be reading a lot and be quite and be stable and be able to talk and be open about any conversation and even be inviting to expand on what to talk about and how to see the world and everything. I observed that my father was always very clean and neat, he kept his stuff always on a certain spot where he knew he would find it, he would be very organized and have routines, it worked for him and he stick to them, my dad also had a dancing side, he would listen rock and roll music and dance around a bit, well move his body and just enjoy the music. my father was able to cook and clean and he was very loose on raising us, he basically allowed us to do what we want with certain conditions that was purely precautions, after having talks with my mother first lol, he did not like to go out much, every now and again he would like to go to a movie, but mostly my dad was on saving money and not spending it on stuff that does not really matter but is purely for pleasure, although as a father that must be given to the mother to have a happy life lol – from this I can see I have defined this as being responsible.

To be continued. .

Day 136 – Living Commitments – Day 8 of 21 – Conversations with myself.

This is a continuation of Day 135 Day 7 of 21.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate positive and or negative experiences within myself through internal conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify the world and how Life currently is as Abuse of life within internal conversations with myself – where there is no real feedback but only me always winning and being right, never allowing myself to actually face reality and taking self responsibility for and as the physical as Who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip and judge others within my mind within internal conversations so that I may always feel better/good about myself, not seeing the evil I am doing onto others and myself as there is never any feedback that is real, but only me talking to myself as multiple characters that I designed in childhood to always only fight for me and win, even when it is at the cost of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Glorify myself within my mind through having internal conversations with myself where I will only praise myself and make myself feel good through constantly Re-playing conversations from the past in my mind of memories in different/modified ways to create the energetic experience I seek that I have identified myself with and as being alive – not seeing and realizing that this is an outflow from a past memory where I was glorified or made special by those that has gone before me and that I experienced myself a certain way and now I constantly seek this experience through creating conversations with myself in my mind that is similar, creating the past over and over the present, never moving on or seeing what is really here as LIFE as I trap myself within these energetic experiences I seek and create myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all internal conversations is but past memories that I have connected with certain energetic experiences that I have liked or hated, and when and as the conversations start within my mind where I re-create the experiences I am simply reliving the past and trapping myself within the past and to within this Identify myself as these past experiences – never realizing myself as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself within talking to myself or having internal conversations with myself, to stop and to ask myself, why am I doing this?, what si the energetic experience I am feeding/creating and why? And to within that realize that it is completely useless and not necessary as I am here breathing and able to move myself physically in breathe and to write and self forgive myself for trapping myself within such conversations that I have with myself and to re-birth myself as LIFE and to not continue on as the past as memories and experiences that just keep repeating and repeating, realizing that this is how the world is in the state it is now, from the past always being re-lived/created in the present and people trapping themselves within the mind as these conversations within the belief that they carry meaning just because they have some sort of energy experience.

Day 135 – Living Commitments – Day 7 of 21 – conversations with myself.

Day 7 of 21 – conversations with myself - It is a trans – it takes over without me even knowing it, when I realize it is to late – I am talking to myself in my head about really weird stuff – how a movie should have ended, what I would have done instead of... such random distractions within the mind. Literally the conversations of multiple characters, each character consist out of one opinion and each opinion has to have their say – yet it is only me talking to myself. Keeping me pre-occupied within my mind, a personal prison so that I may never see the light of day and what the fuck is really going on in this world.

how did I create such a prison for myself -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the “interesting” CONversations I have within my mind to such an extend that I actually created multiple characters each with a different opinion and view point, so that they may play a TV show in my mind about basically anything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this is a side effect/out-flow of when I was a child, and my parents would tell me to go sit somewhere and be quite, and to within such events where I was Suppressed and handled as being a “problem” for adults for just being here in this world, as I was always asked to sit still and be quite as the Adults are talking, and to within this find an escape within my mind, as a way to not to have to face the reality of things – where I now have created characters from each and every situation where this happened. and then where they talk to each other and give opinions to each other on the matter at hand and to entertain each other.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the Internal conversations I have created was/is a outflow of how I was raised, where as a child I was not allowed to talk back or stand up to my parents within their actions, or I would be smacked or yelled at, and through this I have created characters as my parents as voices in my head, where I now can within my mind talk back to them and say what I wanted to say just to give myself a sense of release from the anger/powerlessness I experienced as not having any free speech, and within and through this, I have created multiple characters for all characters in my physical reality within my mind where I entertain myself with these characters and say to them what I wanted to say, where I always WIN and feel good about it, seeking the opposite experience of what I actually experienced when it happened, and through this Never taking self responsibility for this reality as I always belief/believed I solved the problems in my head because I felt better, yet nothing substantial or physical ever changed and so the sins of the fathers continue of a society of oppression and suppression and where mental instability is created within the child and and does create mental disorders that has physical outbreaks and that is harming life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why/how I have created and accepted and allowed internal conversations as normal, realizing as I have never questioned this I have never seen the actual problem and thus only continued living the lie, where I “make Belief” in my mind that I am solving problems within having conversations with myself, yet physically not living anything, as I know that the conversations in my head is always only about me winning and me being right and thus not valid within the actual solution to actually talk about the points. Thus I realize the solution is to stop the internal conversations and to Breathe and to bring myself back to the physical reality with actual real physical communication to that I can see the actual real solutions as Myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift off into my mind into the secret internal conversations I have with myself. without even noticing myself slipping into the mind, only to discover myself in deep conversations with myself, where I - as a character talk to myself as another character so that I may always WIN, realizing that I have created this within myself because I know that if and when I have to physically communicate such points with others I will not always win and feel good, because I will receive actual real feed back – thus I see and realize that I have connected actual real physical feedback as a point to avoid/fear as I always only got punished in the past as a child, for speaking up or simply being a child making noise as a expression of sound and that it was made to be BAD and an annoyance and a interference with the adults life’s, and that I must instead keep my sounds/questions/common sense and conversations in my mind - where I am save and wont be abused, realizing that this also gave the perfect environment for evil to grow in secret as the conversations was only heard by me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the internal conversations/thoughts/secret-mind is an outflow of the parenting and the education and the environment that a child is brought up in, as it is not within support of life where all life is equal but within a society where the mind as Beliefs/opinions/ideas/judgments as the tree of Good and Evil rules over the physical as the tree of LIFE, and thus only create And manifest children through physical programming such as abuse/shouting/hitting and completely molding a child into a certain way the parents have of life. as their religions/cultures/beliefs/ideas/opinions etc - and to thus live in the mind. As reality was/is constricted by those that has gone before and thus limited and enslavement to the sins of the fathers.

To Be Continued...

Day 132 – Living Commitment – Day 4 of 21

Continuing from Day 131 day 3 of 21 from this section – 

Quote: “So I learned that Authority has the power to punish you without even explaining in detail what was happening, what is happening and why and why was it asked of me to stop and to sit still, or to not scream, or to not touch a certain thing in the house, this gets taught to me only when I am older and all the damage was already done through the parents reactions/emotions/feelings instead of breathing and directing situations in common sense in real physical support as to what is here in this physical reality, it is not like a baby is born with the knowledge of what everything is. This should be a basic common sense point.” End Quote.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to accept and allow that Authority has the power to punish without reason and that I must accept it as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow Authority to Punish and to abuse without having a reason that is within the best interest of all life and that I have within this always just accepted and allowed the world to continue in abuse due to the decisions Authority make in this world even if it is destroying forests and the oceans and killing animals and creating wars, as I have learned to accept and allow that “Authority” knows best and therefore I can “trust” what they are doing even if it is Killing LIFE, as what was taught to me as a child, within the belief that it is for love, that the decisions and actions taken by Authority is done so because the Authority loves me/us and always have our best interest as heart, when in fact it is but only self interest and money that makes the decisions and the only love authority have for me/us is to give them the authority they want/need to do as they please, and this is done easily as long as I/everyone beliefs we are BAD people and deserve to be punished and suffer and that we as the Bad people have no right to speak up, to question and to SAY NO MORE and that we demand change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all people have the belief that they are born into sin, thus the belief that we are all BAD people and have no Right to to do anything but subject and give up and give in and be punished as our daily survival, as survival is based on the Idea that you must fight for your food/roof/water because you are to bad to have it simply given to you in a perfect world system such as the Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as the belief of myself that I am a bad person and within this belief have the attitude of “I have no right to trust myself, belief in myself, to give a new world to myself that is best for all life” because I am so bad, look at the world, the world is telling me I am so bad all the time, the Media says I am fat the whole time, the Media says I am unhealthy the whole time, the Media says I am not working hard enough the whole time, the Media keeps showing me what I should have had by now if I was a Good Hard working person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the world is built and kept the way it is because of people that has been brainwashed and educated to belief they are BAD and thus created Broken characters that keeps the Broken world the way it is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as Long as the Media such as the newspapers and magazines and TV shows me perfect clear pictures and advertisements they are in opposite telling me I am not that and thus a bad person if I have not self respect/honor or integrity to not accept and allow bullshit that is only made to capitalize of the billions through deception/manipulation and mind control through constantly putting in ideas/pictures/opinions into the human mind that was never perfected as a part of life and thus is completely vulnerable to anything those with money wants to do with them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I breathe in awareness as myself as the director breathing I can not process thinking (brainwashing/mind control) and thus as long as I am thinking I must realize that I am busy with brainwashing myself and controlling my mind by myself and participating in the religion of self and that this is all a malfunction of the human robot not being perfected in the first seven years of life to what is here and how everything functions as LIFE and thus can and IS used against you for self interest and profit gain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that Breathing is the KEY to stopping all brainwashing and mind control and all of that which isnt me directing and deciding for myself to LIVE as that which is best for all life in ALL ways.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into fear and anxiety of Authority to breathe and to stop the thoughts that resonate within me as energy that takes over the body as a resonant possession and to breathe and to bring myself back here and to realize through the breathing that the thoughts is but a creation of myself and that I am the one creating them and thus I can stop them, and to realize that they have no meaning unless I give them meaning as to participate within them and give them power and following them.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am not breathing that I am in fact within thoughts/mind, to stop and in awareness breathe and be here, to breathe and be here, and to breathe and be here and to continue supporting myself with and as Breathe till the thoughts stop, the same way I created them in space and time I will remove/stop them in space and time through breathing, till only breath remains and I am here as self support for myself within re-birthing myself as Life one and equal.

I commit myself to when and as I see/realize I am not breathing -- to within the understanding of – that when I am thinking I am not breathing but in fact only participating within my internal reality as thoughts/feelings/emotions which is me in the process of creating my own fears/anxiety/stress and thus I can within the knowing apply my knowledge practically through stopping the creation of my fear/anxiety/stress by BREATHING, as I have proven to myself that when I breathe in awareness there is no time within me for feelings/emotions/thoughts as I am Focused on breathing and what is really here as the physical.