Day 250 – The Death Of My Horse Part 8 – The Journey to Life

Me and Titan in 2009 February been with Titan for about 2 months almost

continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life
and – Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 the Journey to Life

and – Day 246 – The Death of My Horse Part 4 the Journey to Life

and - Day 247 - The Death of my Horse Part 5 - The Journey To Life

and – Day 248– The Death of My Horse Part 6 – The Journey to Life

and – Day 249 – The Death of My Horse Part 7 – The Journey to Life

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Continuing from this Part.

Quote: “because this system and world is so big all I have ever done was trying to dominate and control to try and prevent this death I fear. “

So continuing from the point where I had this general fear around Titan. every time I was with him this fear would already be the reaction towards something else existent within me, it was always to protect self interest.

I would for instance have a thought where I see myself getting hurt, or I would Fear that Titan would not work with me and that I would Lose control, or where I see Titan taking chances with me and that I am not in control.

These type of thoughts would come up and then I would react, the reaction as a negative experience would be interpreted as Fear, and thus I create fear/anxiety within me.

But looking at what started it as the Thoughts I can see within the understanding that Thoughts come from Memories which is from Past experiences, and since Titan was my first horse and this fear and the thoughts were already here I had to look deeper into where does these thoughts come from, what memories. Because Titan was pushing these buttons of mine every day – Showing me what is existing within me and that I need to sort that out.

So I can see within looking into my past as a child How Adults was the Bigger Beings, just like Titan, and that the Adults has superior strength and everything over me, and that the Adults used this to their advantage to control and dominate me as a child, so that I do not step out of line, or so that I do not cause anything and so that everything can always just be okay all the time, and the Adults did all of this from the starting point of Fear as they were taught from those before them.

So I learned that I had to always be in control and dominate anything or anyone I can to remain in control, because losing control was shown and connected to be BAD and not good and to be dominated and controlled wasn’t nice, that’s what I experienced as the child being controlled and dominated.

So here is my Childhood experience all over again, a Bigger Being Titan as representing the adult of when I was a child that Can dominate and control me, which I have connected as BAD and negative and that I don’t want to feel small and stupid again.

So I constantly wanted and attempted and did control and Dominate Titan in this fear of it being done onto me, when the solution is obvious – it is to work together as equals in terms of what is here in and as the physical within practicality and common sense, this does not require control and dominating, it requires communication and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to control and dominate other life forms in the fear of that they might do so to me if I do not do it first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to control and dominate other life forms out of the fear that it will be done onto me if I do not do it first is stupidity and evil as I am saying it is okay if it happens to others but not be yet I fully understand how if feels and that it isn’t nice and can and will lead to abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that if and when I live to control and dominate that I will never actually Live life within self honesty as that which is best for all life but that I will always only be trapped within my own fears and trying to prevent them and call that living life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to control and dominate other beings from the starting point of fear and self interest will only create fearful and self interest driven beings as that is what I am living and showing them all the time within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I all I have ever done within living in the anticipation of my fears is creating the past from which my fears were born in the present and that I am in fact creating and manifesting them within who I am as that determines what I do.

Seeing and realizing that as I live as Fear as who I am that all I will and can do as Fear and self interest is create and manifest my own fears, through constantly trying to dominate and control life in fear of Life being alive lol, because that has been judged as being bad and out of control.

To be Continued.

Day 249 – The Death of my Horse – The Journey to Life

continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life
and – Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 the Journey to Life

and – Day 246 – The Death of My Horse Part 4 the Journey to Life

and - Day 247 - The Death of my Horse Part 5 - The Journey To Life

and – Day 248– The Death of My Horse Part 6 – The Journey to Life

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Many beings die every day, and I can say most if not all of them do not die of old age as all the deaths are not natural, it is consequences/outflows of how we as the humans life here on earth, instead of with earth one and equal.

I mean everything we do DOES in fact have constant influences onto everything else, for instance air pollution in itself makes and all deaths not natural, even if someone does die of old age, due to air pollution that death isn’t natural because it reduced the beings natural life spam over all already which is man created. 

But one thing is always for sure, death is inevitable, it comes for everything one, no matter how hard we try and deny it or run away from it, no matter how much we try and cover up th fact of death with constantly flooding ourselves with happiness and positive energy that makes us feel alive to create the delusion while living that one will stay alive for ever, yet that’s it exactly how it works. 

See there are two options/choices either we are LIFE or NOT, that’s it, if we are life as life one and equal in fact we die as our bodies but well its the physical/life so we simply remain  here, when we choose the Mind as energy and we die, it is GONE. None existent as energy simply ends without getting a constant feed/substance to fuel it.

So the point I am getting to is With Titans Death I faced that point of death once again, I have lost many many pets in my life time due to cancer in my rats, or sick birds or birds that got attacked by cats, or dogs that had to be put down and many other ways, and I have always faced this point of death within myself in those moments. 

What I found different with Titan is that Titan resembled a bit More of Me, because what made Titan different for me from all the other animals was that he was BIG, this one point that was different as simply being the size of the animal showed me again that Death comes to all equally. 

I know that there is/was no difference between the life’s of all the other animals and Titan and their deaths, it is simply within my mind and how my mind made it all seem through the ideas and beliefs.

The beliefs I had was that Big animals such as humans Live a long time, this long time can easily make one delusional that death will never come, specifically for myself, death usually always happens out there to someone else, never to me.

Take bugs for example, Billions die each day, and Tens of Thousands die each minute, and no one gives a shit, no one cares, no one even notices it, because they are Tiny and not even they die of natural causes, it is human cause/effect, so Titans death was more Noticeable to me, but not different.

I faced quite a interesting point within this, I was Who I am and have been Towards Titan in the past four years that I participated with him. 

Who I was/am with him was complete control and dominating him, even when I was having fun with him, it was all from the starting point of Fear, Fear towards Titan and that he could hurt me or Kill me because he was a big animal with extreme superior physical strength in comparison to me.

So here comes the Fear of Death.

Now Titan wasn’t the fear, his is the interesting point, Titan only showed me who i am existing as fear n general, because Titan was simply being himself, a horse doing what he does with his life and co existing, the fear always only existed within me, this constant fear of death, fear that the world and the system we are all living in will Kill me, because this world and this money system we are all accepting and allowing to exist everyday is so big, and because this system and world is so big  all i have ever done was trying to dominate and control to try and prevent this death I fear. 

To be continued on this point

 with Self forgiveness

Day 248 – The Death of My Horse Part 6 – The Journey To Life

continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life
and – Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 the Journey to Life

and – Day 246 – The Death of My Horse Part 4 the Journey to Life

abd - Day 247 - The Death of my Horse Part 5 - The Journey To Life

Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day  147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse

Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3

Not Everyone can have a horse, I did have a horse and I am grateful for the support and assistance from Titan, that is why I am sharing these points that I have faced, walked through and changed within.

One of the main over all points I walked with Titan was Awareness, the awareness I am talking about is real awareness of all that is here in each breathe as me.

What do I mean by this – when and as I walked and participated day to day with Titan I became aware of myself a lot more, especially in relation to all my internal conversations/back-chat and the thoughts and the reactions and the emotions and feelings and memories etc.

This happened mostly when and as I was doing Titans Stable such as picking up Poo, I mean doing poo is quite relaxing, I go into the stable and I have a bucket and rubber gloves on and I go down and I start picking up the poo, within these moments I found the weirdest things coming up, things from the past, from years ago, because it was quite and it was me alone in the stable with myself and Titan.

I would for instance sit down and start picking up poo and suddenly I am talking to myself in my head – Like I am finishing a conversation from years ago the way I wanted it to actually go, random stuff like that, I never got why it happened, but I faced my Mind in all its corners, and even sometimes get stuck in my mind, like the thoughts/feelings/emotions that come up during my time with Titan would bring these things up.

The there is the real actual Awareness as the physical, obviously I wasn’t to concerned about this awareness since I have always only known my Mind and my thoughts/feelings/emotions and nothing else to consider and take into consideration.

Titan which was a BIG animals with four legs and a Limited amount of space to move within the stable quickly woke me up to the real world, the physical reality, Because here I am sitting on the ground picking up poo and I am in my mind, I am trapped within thoughts/feelings/emotions that just spin out of control, running wild in my mind, and then the next thing I know something is moving and smacking into me, It is Titan, he had to move, He wanted to see what’s going on outside of his stable, there was a noise.

Now here is the interesting part, ever time something like this happened which was basically daily, I would immediately react and get angry, I would Judge Titan as not being aware, not taking me into consideration while I am working in his stable, I would push him and chase him to the other side of the Stable to teach him to not do that, because he can seriously hurt me.

But what I never saw in those moments was, that I reacted to Titan because he showed me in that moment where I was, I wasn’t here, I was in the mind lost in some alternate reality that isn’t real, and Titan was the realness hitting me in the face, Titan showed me that when and as I participate within the mind I will NOT and can NOT be aware of what is here and that is what creates the consequences that is always to Late, because Titan Hitting me is already to Late, the consequences hit me and the outcome is always un predictable, he could break my neck, or simply crush my finger, or snap my leg, or hit me in that moment of impact.

I also saw that I reacted to Titan because I knew that I wasn’t aware, I knew that I was being dishonest with myself and within what is here, I reacted not to Titan in fact, I reacted towards myself and what I was doing in that moment to myself enslaving myself to the mind as the thoughts/feelings/emotions.

The reactions I experiences was Like me saying – HOW DARE YOU WAKE ME UP TO REALITY, and then the Interesting thing happened over Time, It seems that just never learned my lesson, it just kept on happening, Titan kept on Hitting me moving around in the stable, he just did not give a fuck, Because I did not give a fuck about myself, I was telling myself through participating within the mind that I don’t care about myself HERE as the physical, so why should Titan?

I also discovered within these incidents How much Power I have given the mind, that not even physical consequences that actually directly inflict harm upon me could snap me out of my illusions as the thoughts/feelings/emotions of the mind and that I was so deeply trapped within it all within my mind and completely a slave to it.

Titan has stepped on my feet at least three times, I lost skin on my toes and I have ahd very saw toes for weeks even, and a bit swollen.

Interestingly enough I learned through my feet how important they are and how the physical work to some extent, when for instance even just one toe got hurt, my entire body is compromised, and what i found interesting through this was, that through having these small pains that Titan gave me in moments that I was not here and not aware and did not take self responsibility through breathing and willing myself into awareness that the pain of the toe and the entire body that is compromised through that that I could not participate within the mind.

The pain and the physical immediately takes priority over the mind, because what does the mind know, that without the body the mind cannot exist, but the body can exist without the mind, so the mind simply stayed out so that the body can focus/be aware and prevent and heal itself to get back to normal.

It was within these moments that I saw what is here and what is real and how I have completely missed it all, it is within these moments, even with the saw toe and my body compromised, that I could prevent Titan from hitting me, because I was aware of what is here I could see within Titans Body language when and if he wanted to move or not and I could already way before hand stand up and tell him not to.

So Is consequences and suffering First required before awareness can come to light for the Human race, does everyone have to suffer and go through extreme pain before we all see what is real and what is not, do we have to create HELL on earth with the possibility of never getting out of it just for the sake of seeing and realizing that the physical is real and here and that Must take self responsibility for it all – NO it isn’t required.

BUT we all seem to want it, we all seem to just go for it straight forward, not even stopping to consider something else.

We are all saying FUCK prevention, lets dive into hell and burn and only then hope for change, yet the cure is simple -- BE aware of what is here as LIFE as the physical and this way we can see what is here and what we are in fact doing and prevent and stop abuse and change the god for shaken world, because it is possible.

As I have seen and proven to myself to what extent I have enslaved and trapped and controlled myself within and as the mind as all the experiences/memories/thoughts/feelings/emotions/back-chat as energy (positive or negative) that awareness as LIFE as the physical is something that a self willed being must walk and it won’t come by itself as I have seen/lived it.

The correction that I lived was to always breathe when and as I am around Titan, and this does not only start once I am at the stables, it starts from the moment I wake up, to breathe and to prevent all and any thoughts/feeling/emotions, not to suppress it or deny it, but to prevent it, real prevention, and when it comes up to apply the tools of self forgiveness, self corrective statements and living them, common sense and self honesty.

Every day I check myself with no Judgment, I see what is here as the thoughts/feelings/emotions and anything that comes up doing stables and the back chat; it is a reference for me to see who I am when and as I am alone or with others, what am I accepting and allowing and how and why, stop it through breathing using what is here to bring myself back to awareness to see with my real eyes.